JUST TWO GUYS WITH GUNS AND NO CHICKS

1. Dear John/Screen Gems Wknd/$ 32.4 Total/$ 32.4

2. Avatar/Fox Wknd/$ 23.6 Total/$ 630.1

3. From Paris with Love/Lions Wknd/$ 8.1 Total/$ 8.1

4. Edge of Darkness/Warner Wknd/$ 7.0 Total/$ 29.1

5. The Tooth Fairy/Fox Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 34.3

6. When In Rome/Touch Wknd/$ 5.5 Total/$ 20.9

7. The Book of Eli/Warner Wknd/$ 4.8 Total/$ 82.2

8. Crazy Heart/Fox Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 11.2

9. Legion/SGem Wknd/$ 3.4 Total/$ 34.7

10. Sherlock Holmes/Warners Wknd/$ 2.6 Total/$ 201.6

LOVE ME OR DIE TRYING

Giving the appearance of being a masterstroke of counter-programming, Dear John opens at number one this week, pushing Avatar down to the number two slot. Over the coming year you’ll probably see a half-dozen female-oriented films opening on the weekend of big sporting events hoping to generate a similar result, because it’s not like anyone thinks this movie is good and its initial success is based on quality. But I call this an appearance because the Super Bowl is only on one day, Sunday. So how do you explain box office results on Friday and Saturday? This would have opened big regardless, dooming us I feel to an even worse fate: more Nicholas Sparks books and movies. Let me guess what happens here: boy meets girl, they fall in love, and something tragic happens off-screen in the final act. Given he’s a soldier, he probably dies, because that’s how Sparks appears to work. When your audience is primarily women, you kill the dude. Even in The Notebook, he doesn’t get to outlive her. You’re either loving her or you’re a corpse (can you say “Titanic?”). This is so calculated, so cynical and so clearly effective I almost respect him for it. Almost.

NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT.

From Paris With Love opens at number three and this might also be seen as a the result of opening an action movie on Super Bowl weekend, but again, where were the dudes on Friday and Saturday? Seeing Dear John with their girlfriends, that’s where. It’s time to face the fact that John Rhys Meyers is the new Colin Farrell. A short, pretty, not-wholly untalented Irishman who gets many shots at the brass ring with big stars, but just not connecting and this is the latest example of it. Like Farrell, things that should be surefire, don’t make it because there’s just something missing. This is as basic an action movie as you can get. Seasoned pro gets partnered with rookie and they embark on a path of mayhem. The problem with this particular film is that it’s not fast enough to support its non-stop action storyline and simultaneously doesn’t slow down enough to flesh out the characters more. It pushes suspension of disbelief that a secret agent would cause this much public damage with no repercussion. We never feel the sense of urgency it would need to justify it, like say, an episode of 24. Also Travolta is little more than a cartoon character. We know no more about him at the end of the movie than we learn in the first five minutes. We don’t need a crying scene about how he lost his wife and kids or anything like that, but something more than a Pulp Fiction joke two-thirds of the way through the movie. What makes this more inexplicable is that we do get a two-second bit of expository dialogue from Jonathan Rhys Meyers explaining his past, which should have been the cue for a similar response from Travolta, but nothing. Now, a homoerotic angle is part of any buddy action film, but when Travolta has a shaved head, goatee, an earring, designer scarf and complains about Rhys Meyers’ girlfriend you have to ask if they’re finally in on the joke.

GIVE ME PASSION, GIVE ME INTENSITY, GIVE ME OILY!

The Edge of Darkness is down to number four and has Danny Houston ever been in a movie where he wasn’t the bad guy? It seems that he’s joined that elite club of Christopher Walken and Dennis Hopper as the go-to villains for A-list stars. It’s more difficult than you know to just “seem” oily, but he does it with consummate ease. Also here is Damian Young and you probably don’t know the name, but again when you need an asshole boss, ex-husband, or in this case politician, he’s made a career out of it. Let me put it this way: he was Mr. Big’s boss interrupting Samantha’s toast in the Sex & The City movie. He was also Karen’s fiancée on the first season of Californication. Now you know him. How can Mel Gibson not be the bestest of good guys when these assholes are on the other side?

MOMMA MONTANA?

The Tooth Fairy is down to number five and also in this is Ashley Judd, rumored to be such a pain some actors refuse to work with her. I can’t say as if I’m all that surprised. She looks very much like someone who thinks they’re easygoing, but is actually a tremendous pain in the ass. She was the “Next Big Thing” for a hot moment with Kiss The Girls and Double Jeopardy under her belt, but instead of wisely sticking with the estro-thriller, she tried to make a series of A-list dramas from Where The Heart Is to Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood and they all died. When she tried to return to the estro-thriller with High Crimes (complete with a reunion with Morgan Freeman) it flopped because it blew the central rule of the genre (SPOILER ALERT): if you’re fighting to save your husband from being framed as an assassin for the military, he can’t wind up actually being an assassin for the miliatry! Add to this one of Hugh Jackman’s many non-X-Men flops (he’s crashed with every leading lady from Halle Berry to Nicole Kidman to Meg Ryan), she’s now here beside The Rock doing kids movies and next will probably be playing mom for Miley Cyrus or someone like that.

THE MAN TO GO TO WHEN YOU WANT TO END YOUR CAREER

When In Rome is down to number six and there is no greater demonstration of the fleeting nature of fame and success than Jon Heder, who is also in this. For one brief, shining moment he was white hot with the cult success of Napoleon Dynamite, but a few bad movie choices later and he’s not even mentioned as a supporting actor in this one. Which, by the way, comes from one of the worst directors in the world, Mark Stephen Johnson, he of the odious Daredevil and Ghost Rider movies. And I never get tired of mentioning that John Irving so knew any adaptation of A Prayer for Owen Meany would suck, he made it a condition that the name be changed to disassociate it from the novel. He even came up with the alternate name: Owen Birch…which also starred none other than Ashley Judd. Honestly, this dude has never made a good movie.

WHAT A FEELING!

The Book of Eli is down to number seven and also in this as the mother of Mila Kunis is…Jennifer Beals? Say whatever you want about Jennifer Beals, but very few actors are still working in A-list films almost 30 years after their only real cinematic success. And the thing that’s most famous about it she didn’t even do! Seriously, what the hell else does Jennifer Beals have in the movie “win” column but Flashdance!?! From 1983!?! Yeah, we all loved The L Word, but it was never a “must see” cable show like Sex & The City or The Sopranos or even Dexter. And this is actually her second movie with Denzel Washington, as she was the namesake of Devil in Blue Dress, playing a role that was practically made for her: the Black woman passing for White. Yeah, I said it.

HEY, THERE’S MORE GOING ON IN TRON THAN YOU THINK!

Crazy Heart finally enters the top ten beginning Jeff Bridges’ long overdue march to the Oscar podium. I like him so much I don’t even have to see this to want him to win for it…and I really don’t want to see it. This is such an old story and we saw it just last year with Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler. Sigh. But I probably will.

THE END

Legion is down to number nine, followed by Sherlock Holmes at number ten.

AIN’T NO PARTY LIKE A BACON PARTY

So I was social for a second consecutive Saturday night, heading off to meet with the other batch of girls I know from Jezebel and as a tribute to how well they know me, not only was there bacon, but the bacon didn’t come out until I arrived. Unfortunately the host only had one pound of maple bacon. Fortunately, however, she warned me about this before I came out and I brought a second pound and given how quickly it was eaten, I should have brought two. The difference between the Jezebel groups is that one group is at least 50% lesbian and a party with them is a straight up party with music and dancing and at this last one an actual disco ball. This group is most straight (bisexuality does not count) and it’s a party in the hang out, eat, drink and talk about politics and art sense. I know the lesbian dance party sounds better, but there’s never any bacon there much less maple bacon, so I’m going to have to mark them as equals.

WHAT DO YOU CALL THE BIGGEST BOWLING GAME THEN? THE SUPER DUPER BOWL? ULTRA BOWL?

I’m disappointed the Colts lost because I like Peyton Manning and as an Atlanta Falcons fan I’ve hated the New Orleans Saints all my life, but unlike say, the Vikings who defeated themselves, the Saints actually won this one and this week cannot be over soon enough so all the recaps and analysis on ESPN will stop. But honestly, the game wasn’t all that exciting and sadly this year’s commercials reflected that. Pepsi took the year off to give to charity and the rest all seemed to be about “women are bitches who don’t let us have fun.” The exceptions were the Doritos commercials and they won me with the very first one of the dog who takes off his anti-bark collar and puts it on the guy taunting him, then starts barking. Nothing but win there. The much debated Tim Tebo commercial was funnier and not nearly as polarizing as we’d been led to believe and the “Nothing but net” commercial remake with Lebron James only reminded you how good the original one was. And I hope you people who complain about unrealistic images in TV, magazines and films enjoyed that CareerBuilder.com commercial. That’s what real people look like. Who the fuck wants to see that!?! And then there was the Dockers commercial with more “real people.” In tighty-whiteys no less! As if anyone would choose those horrible pants for any reason. And Half-Time with what used to be The Who was just sad. One old man is deaf, the other old man had throat cancer and his epic voice has long since faded away...I couldn’t even watch it was so painful. I instead made my first sloppy joes in over 30 years. Damn. How have I gone so long without them!?!

NEWSFLASH: FAST FOOD IS BAD FOR YOU. NO, SERIOUSLY. IT’S BAD FOR YOU.

One thing I can go without for another 30 years is KFC. The agency I work for represents them and there was a photoshoot with a couple hundred bucks of it and they gave it out afterwards. I went home with a bucketful (Extra Cripsy, no less), but not your normal bucketful. It was actually a few buckets shoved into one, so no matter how much I ate, it never seemed to make a dent. Its effect on my body was immediate and devastating. Five pounds in three days with actual growth in the already present jelly belly. That’s how dangerous fast food can be. Then there was the mild semi-sick coma I’d be in each time I ate it. There’s a reason I only eat Popeye’s 2-3 times a year and never any sort of large meal. I never want to learn to hate it.

GRUMPY OLD MEN...WITH GUNS

1. Avatar/Fox Wknd/$ 30.0 Total/$ 594.5

2. Edge of Darkness/Warner Wknd/$ 17.1 Total/$ 17.1

3. When In Rome/Touch Wknd/$ 12.1 Total/$ 12.1

4. The Tooth Fairy/Fox Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 26.1

5. The Book of Eli/Warner Wknd/$ 8.8 Total/$ 74.4

6. Legion/SGem Wknd/$ 6.8 Total/$ 28.6

7. The Lovely Bones/Par Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 38.0

8. Sherlock Holmes/Warners Wknd/$ 4.5 Total/$ 197.6

7. Extraordinary Measures/CBS Wknd/$ 7.0 Total/$ 7.0

9. Alvin & The Chipmunks 2/Fox Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 209.3

10. It’s Complicated/Universal Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 104.0

CHICKS AND GUNS! A MATCH MADE IN 14-YEAR-OLD-BOY HEAVEN!

Avatar holds at number one and also in this is Michelle Rodriquez and it should just be a rule that she has to appear in every movie in a tank top with a gun. She did it in S.W.A.T. and it was hot and she does it here and again, it’s hot. Then again I’d be hard pressed to find any woman who wouldn’t look hot wearing a tank top carrying a large firearm. But it helps if you’ve got a presence like hers. If Cameron made Aliens today, you know she’d be playing Vasquez. “Let’s rock!”

CLEARLY HE’S NOT TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT

Edge of Darkness opens at number two and Mel Gibson is kinda, sorta back. Like most aging action heroes, he’s now playing the grumpy old man kicking ass in the name of his kids. Liam Neeson scored big this year in Taken on a similar theme: mess with my little girl and I’ll kill you. Unfortunately, in this case, she’s not just taken but killed outright in front of him and dies in his arms. Then it’s bad guy killing time. Like Neeson, he’s not just any dad but a 30-year-cop in Boston, not to mention a former Master Sergeant, using a classic action movie archetype of the trained killer being reawakened. He starts investigating the circumstances of his daughter’s murder, beating up or killing anyone in his path, which is pretty much what I paid to see, so I was satisfied. This is by no means an exceptional action movie. The bad guys are so obvious they might as well be wearing shirts that read “No One Knows I’m Evil.” Point of fact: no good guy since the 70’s will ever be seen in a silk robe while wearing gold chains. Because Mel Gibson is a working-class cop, all bad guys wear expensive suits and have oily hair. There’s also your usual disregard to logic and gaping plot holes (she’s actually been poisoned with radiation, though the police autopsy reveals none of this because it would have drastically changed the plot), but it moves quickly enough for you not to dwell on it. You can tell Mel’s not the star he once was because they don’t shy away from showing how short he is. More than once he’s placed next an actor easily over six feet with no attempt to hide the discrepancy (Tom Cruise, this will be you one day). And his face is a walking argument against smoking. The lines and crevices are deep and unforgiving. It’s hard to believe he was once a pretty boy.

WHEN USING A SCREENWRITING PROGRAM

When In Rome opens at number three and romantic comedy whore I am, I was tempted to see this, but the more they showed of it in the commercials the worse it got. Basically, the plot is a girl takes three coins from a fountain in Rome, which causes the three guys who threw them in to come after her. But of course there’s a real love interest they’re interfering with. Now that’s not a bad plot, but you wouldn’t know this from any of the commercials because they’re highlighting the incredibly unfunny joke about breaking the vase. And honestly, I hate Kristen Bell. Someone suggested that Josh Duhmael is like the guy who loses the girl to the hero. Well, it’s appropriate that Kristen Bell is his love interest here, because she’s like the bitchy girl who loses her nice guy boyfriend to female hero. A role she’s already somewhat played in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Plus she just gives off a “bitch vibe” to me. I was never a Veronica Mars fan so I don’t come with any of that built in love. And I’ve got serious, serious issues with movies that clearly film in New York City, but then light it so it looks like a studio lot. What is the fucking point!?! This will be seen on cable in about a year. Probably on a double feature with Leap Year.

THE SOUND OF MUSIC OWNS YOUR ASS

The Tooth Fairy holds at number four and also in this is Julie Andrews and you know you’re a beloved icon when you can continually do shit like this and still be loved and still get reviews that say you bring “magic” to a role you’re clearly sleep-walking through. I’ve never seen the Sound of Music and I never will because clearly it’s like some sort of Julie Andrews heroin.

BECAUSE FROM MEL TO VIGO, PEOPLE IN THE POST-APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND ARE GORGEOUS

The Book of Eli is down to number five and also in this in the dual role of the princess who gets saved and the whore who gets redeemed is Mila Kunis. She’s the daughter of the girlfriend of town boss Gary Oldman, so she’s a princess of some sort, but at the same time he pimps her out to try and get Denzel Washington to stay reducing her to whore. Of course our hero would never do such a thing, but instead teaches her about prayer. No, I’m not kidding. Later, reading lessons come in. And if you don’t see the ending coming a mile away, then you haven’t seen enough movies. It almost makes me sad this movie hasn’t done well enough to warrant a sequel.

BE CAREFUL WHO YOU BEFRIEND ON THE WAY UP, BECAUSE YOU MAY HAVE TO BE IN THEIR CRAPPY MOVIES LATER

Legion is down to number six and how far has Dennis Quaid fallen to just be another piece of cannon fodder in a movie like this? He’d have been better off as one of the famous faces scattered throughout 2012. At least that was fun. He must have needed some money quick to do this. At least GI Joe looked like easy franchise money. This? This is just whoredom. Or maybe everyone lost a bet because Meredith from Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice is here as well and we know she doesn’t need the money. Playing her husband is Jon Tenney, who is Kyra Sedgwick’s husband from The Closer. Another bet loser, Tyrese Gibson as…well, The Angry Black Guy. Not to be confused with Charles Dutton as The Old Black Guy. Yeah, I’m thinking everyone here owed someone a favor to be in this.

THE OTHERS

The Lovely Bones is down to number seven, followed by Sherlock Holmes at number eight and Alvin & the Chipmunks The Squeakuel at number nine.

THE END

Finally closing out the top ten at number ten is It’s Complicated and I’ve really tried to see this, I really have. I loves me some Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin has finally fulfilled the comedic promise of 20 years ago, but clearly this is just not to be. I even tried a Saturday night run---which I never do---but fate and movie times were against me. See you on cable in a year.

BARELY A TWO

Long after its debut and fall from the top ten is the movie I did wind up seeing on Saturday night: Nine. And if you wonder why such a seeming hit (Six Oscar winning Actors in a Tony-winning musical from the director of the Oscar winning film version of Chicago) failed so totally know this: the two best musical numbers come from Kate Hudson and Fergie. Yeah, exactly. This the film adaptation of the musical adaptation of the classic film Fellini film, 8 ½. It became the musical Nine in 1982 with Raul Julia and won a Tony (it actually beat out Dreamgirls) and was revived twenty years later to win another Tony with Antonio Banderas and I’m sure given director Rob Marshall’s success with Chicago this seemed like money in the bank, especially given the casting of Daniel Day Lewis, Judi Densch, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, Marion Cotilliard and Sophia Loren. How Fergie and Kate Hudson snuck in we’ll never know, but ironically they got the best numbers. It seems that Rob Marshall is more at home with lowbrow than he’d like to believe. That they are also the more grandly choreographed numbers clearly plays to his origins as a choreographer, but Marion Cotilliard has two ballads that also work very well, though still not enough to save this. What works onstage doesn’t necessarily work on film and whatever needed to be translated clearly was not. I never saw the film (much less the Broadway show) so I can’t compare it to this, but this honestly is what I always fear about seeing: a shambling, near incoherent mess centered on a person I could give a shit about.

SADLY, THIS IS NO TKO

So Death enjoyed last year in the world of creativity so much it’s continuing this year. It’s only January and already we’ve lost everyone from J.D. Salinger to Robert B. Parker to the creator of Gumby to Teddy Pendergrass. Needless to say Teddy Pendergrass bothered me the most. Another genuine R&B singer is gone and his successors are few and far between. Nee-Yo? I think not. Also gone, Pernell Roberts, Jean Simmons, Eric Rohmer, Erich Segal and the creepy small person from Poltergeist, Zelda Rubenstein. Not even porn is immune as both Juliet Anderson and Erica Boyer have died. The latter was actually killed in a car accident (which kills porn stars like planes kill rock stars) on New Year’s Day, which is the most fucked up thing in the world. She has a son who has to deal with mom dying on the day that most symbolizes a new beginning. It’s almost as bad as dying on Christmas.

SHE SINGS CRAZY SONGS/I SING SIMPLE ONES/BUT I MADE MORE MONEY…

As always, I recorded the Grammys to watch later at fast-forward to skip all the dull talk and country numbers (seriously, if it’s not the pretty money-making blondes, why do they even include them?)…Lady GaGa is making a career out of putting on the best show at an awards ceremony. And unlike a lot of people I could name she’s actually fucking singing. And is it really surprising to see her with Elton John? I think not. She’s just as much his descendant as she is Madonna’s. It’s a shame no one remembers Captain Fantastic as much as they do this portly middle-aged guy in a suit…I preferred Green Day when they were just young punks and before they became adults and gained awareness. I mean look at the gut on the drummer. The drummer! That’s when you know you’re successful and old when even your drummer gets fat…the most interesting thing to me about Beyonce’s performance is her all-girl band. Sorry, but I just don’t care and better singing doesn’t improve Alanis Morisette…and you know Seal is happy. Look at how fat he is even in black. You’d think his model wife could help him dress to hide that. Then again, hiding fat is not something she’s familiar with…Pink the balladeer is also boring and it doesn’t matter how stunning the aerial gymnastics are. But her body is a rock from having to do this on tour almost every night…Fergie, however still has her curves from doing Nine where she played an Italian hooker and I’d rather they just jump to the overplayed hit than make me listen to other albums tracks that aren’t hits for obvious reasons…and we’re skipping the country music performance…I hate Jamie Foxx, so we’re going to fast-forward through this, stopping only to see Slash for the whore he’s been since working with Michael Jackson…don’t care about the Joe Brown Band and I don’t care about Taylor Swift either, but Stevie Nicks compels me to stop and watch and hear that Taylor Swift cannot sing anything other than her own songs and honestly she sounds awful there too. Ouch…not having the necessary 3D glasses means the Michael Jackson number was lost on me to a certain extent, though I remain unmoved. And I’m trying not laugh at his INCREDIBLY WHITE CHILDREN coming up to the podium. Yes, I’m an evil bastard…is it just me or is Bon Jovi getting shorter as he gets older?...the road to hell is paved with good intentions and overblown remakes of old songs. Who is really going to buy this version of “Bridge over Troubled Water”?...they have not printed enough money to make me listen to Dave Matthews…Maxwell and Roberta Flack. That’s some R&B up in your face, bitches. Roberta Flack can still sing but needs help with her make up. And that wig? WTF? And keep clinging to the idea that Maxwell is straight, ladies. Divas don’t react that way to straight men…the roll call of death, but only Les Paul deservedly gets the tribute number…well, I just heard half a rap song thanks to all the bleeping and of course the blondest, whitest girl in the universe, Taylor Swift is up and bouncing to it…and she won Album of the year in typical, middle-of-the-road-safe-Grammy-Fashion. See you next year!

WHERE'S SATAN WHEN YOU NEED HIM!?!

1. Avatar/Fox Wknd/$ 36.0 Total/$ 552.8

2. Legion/SGem Wknd/$ 18.2 Total/$ 18.2

3. The Book of Eli/Warner Wknd/$ 17.0 Total/$ 62.0

4. The Tooth Fairy/Fox Wknd/$ 14.5 Total/$ 14.5

5. The Lovely Bones/Par Wknd/$ 8.8 Total/$ 31.6

6. Sherlock Holmes/Warners Wknd/$ 7.1 Total/$ 191.6

7. Extraordinary Measures/CBS Wknd/$ 7.0 Total/$ 7.0

8. Alvin & The Chipmunks 2/Fox Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 204.2 4.

9. It’s Complicated/Universal Wknd/$ 11.0 Total/$ 98.7

10.The Spy Next Door/LGF Wknd/$ 4.8 Total/$ 18.7

REMEMBER: SHIT FLOATS, DIAMONDS SINK

Avatar rises back to the number one spot and apparently there’s some griping from Kathryn Bigelow fans because Cameron won Best Director over The Hurt Locker at The Golden Globes. Get the fuck over it. First of all, when did the fucking Golden Globes become respectable!?! They are the Pia Zadora Awards for fuck’s sake! Second, since when does quality beat popularity? Titanic was a piece of crap, but the biggest grossing film of all time (not adjusted for inflation) and so it beat out L.A. Confidential. Forrest Gump was a piece of crap and beat out Pulp Fiction. And Dances With Wolves, which is what Cameron fully admits this is, beat GoodFellas. She’s not special. This is not the patriarchy slamming her down. Not to mention, Cameron---who is her ex-husband---is the reason she directed The Hurt Locker to begin with.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS PLOT NEEDS? HMMM. COULD IT BE…SATAN!

Legion opens at number two and if you must see one angels vs. humanity film, then go rent The Prophecy and save your money on this. It’s disappointing too, because the idea of an angel with a machine gun trying to defend humanity from God himself just sounds awesome. Unfortunately, the people behind this clearly thought that was enough and didn’t go beyond it. Basically, God has tired of humanity and sends angels down to wipe us out, only the angels apparently need to possess human bodies to do this, even though we see they can come down as themselves when they want. And when they possess someone, people take on a demonic appearance, which is odd considering they’re angels. Also the one angel who’s decided to rebel against God is Michael and in the only subtle yet effective scene of the film we see you clearly lose your obedience collar if you’re willing to sacrifice your wings. Of course this begs the question of why exactly an angel needs an obedience collar? Don’t expect answers because we’re too busy with horror/disaster movie exposition, as we meet the group of people who are going to be trapped to face of with the angels, learning just enough about them so we’ll supposedly miss them when they die. We don’t and this is time that would have been better spent on explaining why the baby the waitress is carrying will be the salvation of all mankind. Or more importantly WHERE THE HELL IS SATAN!?! Seriously, God comes after mankind, the key is an unborn child…how much more interesting would it have been if Satan showed up to take advantage of the situation!?! He does in The Prophecy and is played by none other than Vigo Mortensen. Yeah, you’re really better off seeing that.

IT REMINDED ME ODDLY OF GENE WILDER CARRYING AROUND THE TORAH IN THE FRISCO KID

The Book of Eli is down to number three and we’ve got a little more God on tap as the book Eli is carrying in a post-apocalyptic world is The Bible. This is basically every lone gunman/samurai movie you’ve ever seen---not that it’s a bad thing. It’s a well-used plot for a reason. Lone badass comes into town, doesn’t want to get involved, gets pushed and the head baddie and his henchmen live to regret it. Well, they don’t live, but they regret it. We’ve even got the whore who needs to be saved, except they don’t make the mistake that the producers of Pretty Woman made decades ago: it’s her first time and the hero saves her from that fate. Seriously, the reason I truly hate Pretty Woman is because she was supposed to be this hooker who still remained innocent inside, whereas if they’d made it her first night ever and Richard Gere actually saved her from being a hooker it truly is a fairy tale wouldn’t be such a goddamned offensive movie. Here, Denzel Washington refuses to help turn Mia Kunis into a whore, which is a bookend from a decade ago when his dick alone managed to get Mila Jovovich (another Russian-born beauty) to give up being a hooker in He Got Game (from Spike Lee, of course). And like any good gunfighter/samurai, she becomes his charge, joining him on the road. They even have the head henchman wanting her! In fact, if there’s anything missing from this, it’s more gunfights/swordfights. Eli just kicks ass a bit too easily. One nice ironic twist is that they don’t deify The Bible. It’s nothing but what Denzel Washington and Gary Oldman believe it to be. Denzel sees it as part of mankind’s salvation, while Gary Oldman realizes he can use it to manipulate and control people and flat out calls it a weapon. There’s even the reason there are no Bibles left: they were destroyed because they were seen as the cause of the war that’s all but wiped out mankind.

CAN YOU SMELL HOW THE ROCK IS WHORING?

Speaking of whores, The Tooth Fairy opens at number three and The Rock continues to make Walt Disney a happy pimp. Now the gruff guy dealing with kids is as old as movies. Even Cary Grant did it in Father Goose, but what makes this take on it suck is how utterly saccharine they feel it needs to be. The Rock as The Tooth Fairy does bring a smile to your face, but one look at the trailer shows you, like the producers of Legion, they thought that was enough. I’ll probably spend more creative energy thinking how to trash it than they put into trying to make it entertaining for anyone over the age of four who can’t stop laughing at a giant man in fluffy wings.

IF I WANTED THIS, I’D READ BOOKS

The Lovely Bones is down to number four and living in NYC I forget that we’ll get movies opening weeks before the rest of the country so this seems like it’s been around forever for me…around forever not sparking the slightest bit of interest. Sorry, but a book about a girl watching her family trying to carry on after she’s raped, murdered and dismembered is not a book I’m going to read, I don’t care how good it is. Similarly even though the movie decides not to include the rape or dismemberment or show the murder, I’m still not that interested. Only when dad is a tough cop or ex-CIA agent who gets to kill lots and lots of people to avenge her would this interest me. A suburban family falling apart because they can’t deal with the cruelty forced upon them by fate isn’t going to get it. I saw The Sweet Hereafter (where a bus filled with schoolchildren goes into a frozen lake) and as good as it was, that’s enough for one life. I was grateful to see this got poor reviews, but it’s clear from the trailers that Peter Jackson decided to make a movie to fit his strengths (widely criticized CGI depictions of the colorful afterlife of the girl) than make a movie to properly reflect the book (can you believe some people are upset about the missing rape and dismemberment!?!). And I’m sorry, but even after all these years, I can only take anything with Marky Mark so seriously because I’m just not buying him outside of certain roles. Loving suburban dad? I don’t think so.

I’M NOT SAYING IT’S HER FAULT, BUT…WAIT, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’M SAYING

Sherlock Holmes is down to number six and Guy Richie needed this like he needed air. His gangster movies started bombing and when strayed from formula and tried to get arty and his producer proved he could do them even better with Layer Cake. Then came his disastrous remake of Swept Away with Madonna and their eventual divorce. He needed a winner and got one as this has made $363M worldwide off a $90M budget. What’s sad and funny is that there’s a pretty good chance that if he and Madonna had stayed together, she might have had the Rachel McAdams role---and don’t think she doesn’t know it. His biggest hit ever and she’s nowhere in sight to enjoy it. He’s somewhere laughing his ass off over that…just before he gets into bed with at 20-year-old model himself.

THAT OLD GUY CLAIMS TO HAVE MADE THE KESSEL RUN IN LESS THAN 12 PAR SECS. YEAH, I KNOW. A PAR SEC ISN’T A MEASUREMENT OF TIME.

Extraordinary Measures opens at number seven and when the hell did releasing all these damn Hallmark Hall of Fame movies into theaters become acceptable!?! I mean, it’s from CBS where Hallmark Hall of Fame movies usually run for god’s sake. How is this difference from a dozen other films just like it? Oh, they don’t have Harrison Ford in them, that’s what. As my mom said when she saw the commercial for this, “My baby had to get old eventually, I guess.” Yes, Harrison Ford is an old man and now best suited to playing cranky old men who don’t get love interests so they don’t creep us out by touching the younger woman they would inevitably pair him with. And given Han Solo is now 70, younger will mean 50-something and that’s still two friggin’ decades. I’m sure this is touching and all, but I really don’t give a crap. I don’t watch it TV so I’m sure as hell not going to pay to see it.

THE CINEMATIC CIRCLE OF LIFE!

Alvin & The Chipmunks 2 is down to number eight, followed by It’s Complicated at number nine and The Spy Next Door at number ten and after all the bone-breaking work Jackie Chan has done in his four decade career (he’s actually a stuntman in Enter The Dragon with Bruce Lee) he’s earned a right to do crappy children’s films like this, but do they have to be so clearly awful? His job now is to assume the role left by Mako when he died last year: cranky teacher to the next young martial arts superstar. You know, like Mako was for him in The Big Brawl in 1980? But he is doing that too, I guess, playing the Mr. Miyagi role in the remake of The Karate Kid.

PLUS THERE’S LOTS OF VIOLENCE!

I don’t watch The Simpsons any longer, dropped South Park when I realized I gave up 30 minutes of my life literally watching a piece of shit; never watched The Family Guy because it is shit and Robot Chicken doesn’t seem to run new episodes, so as far as animated shows go, Archer was a gift from heaven. This ascended almost immediately to my favorite new show, it’s so fucking funny. Archer is a secret agent at an agency his mother runs complete with all the issues that might suggest. Let me put it this way Archer is either planning to kill someone for sleeping with his mother or getting an erection when someone describes killing his mother. Yeah, it’s like that. And it’s on FX, so the language and situations are pretty adult. And by adult I mean Archer fighting with another agent naked in the locker room and stopping when they realize their penises are touching. Add to this an office filled with equally crazy employees---one of whom is Archer’s ex who dresses like Modesty Blaze and has a porn fetish---and you have a show I cannot wait to see each and every week.

TAKE A CHANCE ON ME

Also new this year is The Human Target, based on a comic book character that exists in the same comic book universe as Superman and Batman. Needless to say, they aren’t here. I don’t remember a lot about the old Human Target back up stories in Action Comics, but I do recall his thing was to actually impersonate the person in danger, hence the title “The Human Target.” He once took actually Bruce Wayne’s place. That’s the not case here. Here he’s just some bodyguard you hire. But there aren’t that many action series on today beyond your typical police procedurals and this had one of the best mano-a-mano fight scenes I’ve seen on TV in a long time, maybe ever. For the promise of more of that I’ll be coming back. Plus, I’ve liked this guy since Keen Eddie.

PRETTY PEOPLE SHOULD BE EVIL, CRAZY OR STUPID. OTHERWISE IT’S NOT FAIR.

So this didn’t happen last week because I’ve been oddly social recently. First, I had a long-delayed dinner with a friend I hadn’t seen since I was in the hospital. The Sunday after that I had dinner with my cousin who’s been taking advantage of being assigned to Washington (she works for the Justice Department) to visit NYC and see shows as many shows as she possibly can, and the Monday after that I had lunch with the Tall Canadian Blonde Who Looks Like Joan Allen I used to work with at the real estate agency, who I also hadn’t seen since being in the hospital. Needless to say which one I enjoyed the most, all due respect to family and my old friend. I so adore the Tall Canadian Blonde Who Looks Like Joan Allen, I went to the Upper East Side for lunch with her. It’s always odd being around people who are genetically blessed and know how to dress. They look like a walking clothing ad. T.C.B.W.L.L.J.A. almost always looks like a Ralph Lauren ad. It’s a joy to behold and appropriate given she’s Canadian and Ralph Lauren is a Jew from The Bronx, but both project this clean all-american image. She’s also as nice as she is lovely, which just freaks me out because if I looked like Taye Diggs or George Clooney, it’s be on a path of world domination. I’d get away with murder based on a tight t-shirt and a smile.

HE WAS BORN ON A GEEKY DAY, 1966…

I also went out to see live music like I keep swearing to do but never actually manage to. It’s always a result of someone else because I’m apparently incapable of opening a paper or magazine to see who’s in town. This time Surrogate Sister’s actual brother was playing with his band Flying Machine at Webster Hall as part of a show for 101.9. For the first time they added covers to their act one of which was Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t Fear The Reaper” and the other was none other than Andrew Gold’s 70’s AM classic, “Lonely Boy.” Surrogate Sister mocked me for enjoying it so much, pointing out only I was old enough to remember it. The irony is, they both came out the same year and “Lonely Boy” was the bigger hit. So fuck you all! After the show we went drinking which I honestly didn’t expect because she and her husband had to get back to Long Beach. This was problematic for me because I hadn’t eaten dinner, having opted for a nap after work. Yes, the upside is you get drunk faster and cheaper, but the downside you get seriously, painfully drunk if you’re not careful and once we started approaching midnight I decided to tap out. Good thing too, because even though I ate dinner right after leaving, I was still far from peak the next morning. And as it turns out, Surrogate Sister was actually still drunk for her trip back to Long Beach the next morning. But before I left I was introduced to a friend of hers who actually represents comic book artists for a living and this is a result of one of those stories you always read about. He was an investment banker, bought comic book art, became friends with the artists who knew dick about how to sell their work like all artists, said he’d help them and boom! He left the corporate world and has a job he loves. Jealousy had me torn between murder and suicide.

RETURN OF THE EVIL BLOODSUCKERS!

1. Avatar/Fox Wknd/$ 48.5 Total/$ 429.0

2. Sherlock Holmes/Warners Wknd/$ 16.6 Total/$ 165.2

3. Alvin & The Chipmunks 2/Fox Wknd/$ 16.3 Total/$ 178.2

4. Daybreakers/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 15.0 Total/$ 15.0

5. It’s Complicated/Universal Wknd/$ 11.0 Total/$ 76.4

6. Leap Year/Universal Wknd/$ 9.2 Total/$ 9.2

7. The Blind Side/Warner Wknd/$ 7.8 Total/$ 219.2

8. Up In The Air/Paramount Wknd/$ 7.1 Total/$ 54.0

9. Youth In Revolt/Warner Wknd/$ 7.0 Total/$ 7.0

10. The Princess & The Frog/Disney Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 92.6

WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN BLACK PEOPLE CAN’T EVEN PLAY BLACK PEOPLE?

Avatar holds at number one and also in this, kinda, is Zoe Saldana who is rapidly becoming a geek goddess. First, she plays Uhura in the new Star Trek where she gets to hook up with Spock, which guarantees that she has to be upfront in the plot from here on. Then she’s in this, now one of the biggest films in recent history and next she’s going to be in the adaptation of the comic book, The Losers. Oh, and she was actually in the first Pirates of the Caribbean and I would always point out that she got dicked by not being in the sequels. Seems she and her agent knew more than I did, given this has now passed all of them and she’s got a much larger role---though technically she’s never onscreen. Oh, and she’s in my beloved Center Stage. Could we finally have the person ready to ascend to Halle Berry’s throne as “the go-to” black actress? I mean, even though she’s not really black but Dominican? Somewhere Joy Bryant is pissed.

BUT IF SHE WANTS TO PLAY CATWOMAN IN BATMAN 3…

Sherlock Holmes holds at number two and also in this is one of my favorite young actresses, Rachel McAdams as the Catwoman to Sherlock Holmes’ Batman. Based on a real character from the novels of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, she’s one of the few to actually outwit him and why she’s never been given a more prominent movie role until now is a mystery. It’s ironic as they up the ante on the “bromance” between Holmes and Watson they introduce a truly suitable romantic interest. Or maybe that’s why they did. But honestly, I wasn’t buying McAdams in the role. Her character is supposed to an American, but an American sticks out like a sore thumb here. Not to mention McAdams just feels too contemporary for the role. But I’m glad she’s in a hit. She needed to wash The Time Traveler’s Wife off of her.

SUCK IT!

Alvin & The Chipmunks 2 holds at number three because evil is hard to kill, followed by Daybreakers opening at number four which returns the idea of vampires being evil to the forefront. Enough of these tragic romantic pretty boys! It’s time to return to the idea of bloodsucker bastards who need to be put down! This movie continues the recent idea of vampirism seen as a disease, not a magical transformation and 95% of the human population on earth has been transformed. The rest are either food or headed that way. This of course has lead to a shortage, because without fresh human blood the disease continues and transforms vampires into a bat-like monsters. Ethan Hawke is a vampire working to find a substitute to stop the destruction of all humanity, while Sam Neil is the head of the corporation providing human blood who just wants it to save his business and drive up the price of human blood which he has no intention on ceasing to provide even if an alternative is found. Into this comes William Dafoe as a vampire turned vampire hunter, proof there is a cure and he wants Ethan Hawke to recreate it. If his own conscience wasn’t enough, Ethan Hawke is also motivated by the hot girl with William Dafoe. But I guess Ethan Hawke is still a concession to the modern vampire. He’s moody, self-loathing, hot (though looking more like Josh Brolin than himself), doesn’t drink human blood and turns against other vampires (including his brother) to save humanity. Needless to say, he’s not as much fun as the very thinly veiled character of Sam Neil, a literal bloodsucking corporate head, looking for the short-term money solution rather than the long-term beneficial solution. Oil!?! What’s this got to do with oil?

IN THE GRAND WOODY ALLEN TRADITION, ONLY NOT AS GOOD

It’s Complicated is down to number five and on Saturday Night Live this week Charles Barkley, as his wont, vocalized what many people think about movies like this: they are incredibly White. Not just White, but moneyed white, which begs the question: is it better to be honest about these surroundings or to insist upon a token Black sidekick? This is a story about family and friends. Is it so strange the look all the same or is it strange that there are no equally moneyed minorities the world that Meryl Streep and Alex Baldwin inhabit…which is clearly the same world that Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet inhabited or that Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton inhabited, which is the world of Nancy Meyers’ films.

TWO CAREERS WITH ONE STONE

Leap Year opens at number six and romcom whore I may be even I drew the line here. How is this a valid premise? In the 21^st century since when are women obligated to wait for a proposal? This was based off a film from the 40’s and as such should have been done as a period piece because in a modern setting it makes absolutely no fucking sense. Clearly Amy Adams has no idea what to do with the heat produced by Enchanted and like so many other actors will piss it away on bad romantic comedies. And speaking of not knowing what to do with yourself, also here is Matthew Goode. Tall, good-looking, English and keeps making crap rather than taking the place of Hugh Grant. You know him best from deflowering Mandy Moore in Chasing Liberty. That he was Ozymandias in The Watchmen isn’t something you want to brag about, as he was horribly miscast in a movie filled with horrible miscastings. If you want to see a movie about an American girl who falls for a rakish Irishman, rent The Matchmaker with Jaenene Garafalo. It takes a bit to get started but there are worse ways to waste 90 minutes. And her Irishman is actually fucking Irish.

WHO LAST WON AN AWARD FOR NEGRO SAVING?

The Blind Side is down to number seven and if she gets an Oscar nomination for this piece of shit….

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO

Up in The Air is down to number eight and also in this is…Young MC! Yes, we “Bust A Move” a scene that, in the words of Homer Simpson “Is funny because it’s true” because you know being the entertainment at corporate gatherings doing his one hit is Young MC’s sad, sad fate now.

NICK AND NORA WAS YOUR LAST CHANCE, KID

Youth in Revolt opens at number nine and while I have to admit being somewhat tempted by the premise, I’m just tired of Michael Cera playing this role again. Granted, you only need look at the film just above this one to see that actors do this all the time. But you want to be George Clooney. You don’t want to be Michael Cera. It’s no accident that his biggest films are Juno and Superbad, where he either wasn’t the lead or was paired with someone who made him look good in comparison (it’s hard to look worse than Jonah Hill).

THAT LATIN PRINCESS MOVIE JUST TOOK ONE GIANT STEP BACK

Finally, The Princess and The Frog closes out the top ten at number ten and this is actually a bit of a disappointment for Disney making only $93M so far after a budget of $105M and the question becomes why? The return of singing (which I personally hate)? The return of hand drawn animation? Or, them coloreds being the lead? I’m gonna blame singing. It literally almost put me to sleep and has been clearly absent from almost every single CGI animated film. More comedy adventure of the frogs and less singing and we have something here. The last hand drawn Disney film with singing to do well was Mulan, which also had a minority lead only it had action and at least one good song. This had no action and not one good song. A better villain wouldn’t hurt either as the bad guy here actually disappears for a while. That’s not good. He should be pursuing them throughout the movie.

THANK ‘EAVEN FOR LEETLE GIRLS…

That groan of agony you heard Saturday night was my mother feeling that while I’m giving her no grandchildren, I was entertaining the children of others. This time they were daughters of the Married NJ Housewife (soon to be the Divorced NJ Housewife, unfortunately). Her oldest daughter was turning 9 and the birthday wish had to do with hotels, room service and American Girl dolls, so they came into the city to visit American Girl, stay in a hotel on Park Avenue and I’m gonna guess some room service came into play. Dinner was at a very kid-friendly place in the West Village called Sweetiepie that I recommended after a quick internet search and questioning the NYC mommies that I know. It got rave reviews, as they apparently will treat the birthday girl like a queen and you get to leave with balloons. I’ve only met her oldest daughter at intervals of years, but apparently they stuck, because I’m mentioned regularly. I guess it helps that I’ve sent presents over the years, like a plush Krypto the Superdog, a plush Comet The Superhorse and either a Batgirl or Wonder Woman Barbie. I can’t remember which. Kids always fondly recall the people who give them stuff and little girls seem to love me until they turn 12, then they start throwing rocks at me. Since my presence was requested by the birthday girl, I made it a point to continue the practice of gift giving with a mini-amp for her guitar. It seems she’d begged forever to take lessons and for Christmas got a Hannah Montana guitar, which, despite the clearly merchandising opportunity is an actual Washburn guitar, not a kid’s toy. It’s one of those legit ¾ models that are made for kids to play. Now the last time I saw her she was four and her baby sister had just been born so there was another little person to account for and you know you cannot buy a gift for one sibling and overlook the other. Seriously, you can’t do it at 9 and 5 and you can’t do it at 29 and 25. In fact, it’s probably worse if you do it at 29 and 25 because then one of them will complain about this going on for the last 20 years. One the last times I’d hung out with Married NJ Housewife she’d mentioned the 5-year-old daughter making a CD singing for her father and of her plans to be singer when she grew up. This is how I arrived at a pink t-shirt with Blondie on it. The evening clearly had a theme. In true kid fashion the shirt seemed to go unnoticed for a while then she abruptly got up, went into the bathroom and put it on, let us see it then took it off again. The oldest daughter loved the amp and we bonded over taking guitar lessons and not practicing. Her guitar teacher was taking her along the basics slowly and I find it odd that the impatience of kids wasn’t understood. My instructor tried to teach me a song on my first lesson because he knew that if people don’t see some result they can appreciate they will get frustrated. “Three Blind Mice” is legitimately a walking-before-you-can-run exercise, but what it is not is interesting to someone who wants to play Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA” or Kei$ha’s “Tik Tok”---so we used her Disney Princess netbook she’d also gotten for Christmas and I showed her the tab sites where one day she could use them to play those songs exactly, having brought along my guitar for that purpose (after wiping all the dust off). Also, while major chords are beyond her now, she brightened up when I showed her how heavy metal power chords only require the top two strings especially when you filter it through the distortion on the amp (her younger sister was also a big fan of the crunching noise when means if the singer in her isn’t nurtured she might wind up in a fishnets and a mini-skirt backstage in about 12 years). She also liked it when I showed her how to play the Peter Gunn bass line also just using the top two strings. This is probably when my mother felt a disturbance in the force, the “Where the fuck are my grandchildren!?!” force. And if she felt it then, she must have had a “death of Alderan” moment when I was leaving and the 9-nine-year-old ran out to where I was standing in front of the elevator to hug me and tell me she loved me and I just melted. Pretty much any viable woman within 20 feet of me was in danger of becoming a baby mama at that point. Alas, it faded by morning because then once again I realized that children would mean not thinking of myself first and being forced to share my cheese and toys. Sorry, mom.