SIGNS OF THE INVASION ON INDEPENDENCE DAY

1. Battle: LA Sony Wknd/$ 36.0 Total/$ 36.0

2. Rango/Parmount Wknd/$ 23.1 Total/$ 68.7

3. Red Riding Hood/Warners Wknd/$ 14.1 Total/$ 14.1

4. The Adjustment Bureau/Universal Wknd/$ 11.5 Total/$ 38.5

5. Mars Needs Moms/Disney Wknd/$ 6.8 Total/$ 6.8

6. Hall Pass/Warners Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 34.9

7. Beastly/CBS Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 17.0

8. Just Go with It/Sony Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 94.0 9

9. The King’s Speech/Weinstein Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$129.1

10. Gnomeo And Juliet/Disney Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 89.0

DON’T THEY WANT OUR WOMEN ANY MORE?

Battle: Los Angeles opens at number one and while I enjoyed this, it could easily be called “Marines vs. The Alien Invaders” so completely and utterly clichéd it is. Don’t get me wrong. There’s a reason we keep using these stock characters and situations: when done properly, they work very well. But would have killed them to at least try to do slightly original with them? But I guess if you don’t try you can’t fail and they don’t fail in making an entertaining science fiction action movie (though truth be told you could replace the aliens with Nazis and LA with Paris and you’ve got the same movie). We start out with, a 20-year marine about to retire after a tragedy in his last tour; a marine visiting the grave of his brother (gee, think they’re connected?), a young lieutenant with a baby on the way, a kid who signed up at 17 and is a virgin, another Marine out preparing for his wedding with his best friend helping out and into their lives comes a mysterious meteor shower headed to Earth. Of course the retiring marine gets assigned to the unit containing the young lieutenant, the virgin, the bridegroom and the brother of the solider he lost. Of course they get the assignment to go rescue civilians, which includes beautiful vet, Bridgette Moynihan and her niece (not her daughter, because the paternal bonding has to occur between our 20-year vet and a little boy). Of course there are heroic sacrifices, surprise deaths that are actually clichés in themselves because the “Oh, He’s Not Going Do Die” death has also been done to death. In addition heroic rallying speeches and the heroes saving the day in a way that only they can because everyone else in the world took stupid pills that morning. There’s not one ounce of “wink nod” irony in anything they do which is odd given the film is clearly self-aware of being an science fiction action movie, the biggest moment being the reason the aliens have come which appears to be a flat-out middle finger to Signs. They should have quit while they were ahead, because it’s not smarter than Signs for it, only a different kind of stupid. They just could have left it at the aliens invaded us “just because.” I didn’t come for reasons. I came to see aliens being blown the fuck up and this gives me just that.

DOES ANYTHING TRAUMATIZE KIDS LIKE A KID’S FILM?

Rango is down to number two and the “Spirit of the West” which looks and sounds a lot like Clint Eastwood is voiced by none other than Timothy Olyphant. He and Johnny Depp are the flip side of to the coin of falling stars who do shitty animated films for money and people who are clearly on top doing it for the fun of it. This is a wink and a nod to his current success as basically a modern day gunfighter on Justified. But again, no kid in the audience gets that joke (much less the appearance of Hunter S. Thompson). Joining them here are Isla Fisher, Abigail Breslin, Ned Beatty, Alfred Molina, Bill Nighy, Stephen Root, Harry Dean Stanton and Ray Winstone. And to his credit and that of the animators, Bill Nighy as Rattlesnake Jake (Based on Lee Van Cleef in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly) actually scared me so I can’t imagine what it did to kids.

SO THE SEQUEL IS THE THREE LITTLE PIGS?

Red Riding Hood opens at number three and I had to give this teen gothic adaptation of the classic fairy tale a pass. I was a little curious, but ultimately sleep seemed more appealing. Maybe an “R” rating with the promise of some actual blood and sex could have gotten me in, but not a PG-13. Not to mention, didn’t Neil Jordan do this already in A Company of Wolves? But who would have thought that the dumb blonde from Mean Girls would have a career while Lindsay Lohan floundered? Just say no to drugs, kids.

WHAT SATURDAY NIGHTS ON THE SCI-FI CHANNEL ARE MADE OF

The Adjustment Bureau is down to number four and though I thought it was impossible, I actually seem to care less this week. This is yet another movie based on the work of Philip K. Dick. Other movies include Blade Runner, Total Recall, Minority Report, A Scanner Darkly, Paycheck, Imposter and Screamers. Yeah, mostly bad movies with big stars (Harrison Ford, Arnold Schwarzanegger, Tom Cruise, Keanu Reeves, Ben Affleck) and big directors (Ridley Scott, Steven Speilberg, John WooA).

OPUS THE MOVIE NEEDS TO HAPPEN

Mars Needs Moms opens at number five and this is based on a book by the creator of Bloom County, Berke Breathed. Now, given his distinct artistic style and the fact you’re using animation, why on fucking earth would you not only not follow it to try and make it look like real people but use soulless motion capture? Oh, yeah. “Directed by Robert Zemeckis.” That explains everything.

AND YOU THOUGHT ZAC EFRON HAD IT BAD

Hall Pass is down to number six followed by Beastly at number seven and as Beauty in this is Vanessa Hudgens and as the witch who curses him is…Mary Kate-Olsen? Is this where kid stars go to die? Well, at least she was able to provide her own wardrobe.

CRASH INTO OBSCURITY

Just Go With It is down to number eight and also hidden in the cast is Dave Matthews as Nicole Kidman’s husband. Now he deserves to be in a movie like this and if nothing else it prevents him from making more of that noise he calls music. It was the music of douchebags before the word became ubiquitous and if auto-tune, Ke$sha and Katy Perry mean less of him then more power to them all.

THE END

The King’s Speech is down to number nine, followed by the blight known as Gnomeo and Juliet closing out the top ten at number ten.

I’M THINKING DOING IT MAKES YOU A TWIT

Yes, I’m Tweeting. I don’t see the point, but I am because the minutia of my life is clearly fascinating. But the upside you get to follow others. Now, anyone can follow Charlie Sheen, but I choose to follow Denise Richards and Bree Olsen (one of the porn stars he’s shacked up with). Ironically, they both talk about puppies and what’s happening in Japan…that is when Bree Olsen isn’t sharing her disturbed sexual fantasies about falling asleep on a beach and waking up to being raped (now you understand why she’s with Charlie Sheen). I also follow William Shatner and this attractive blonde physicist I met at this year’s Oscar party. I figure the physicist alone clears me to follow at least two more porn stars, because what she tweets is in English but it might as well be Vulcan so far is it from my understanding. It gets even crazier when other physicists respond. I like to think they’re talking about time travel.

BECAUSE YOU’RE HERE FOR A PURPOSE

While Mickey Rooney testifies before Congress on elder abuse and prays the trip alone will kill him, Death remains in California and takes Jane Russell.

YOUR FAVORITE 80'S SONG TITLE HERE

1. Rango/Parmount Wknd/$ 38.0 Total/$ 38.0

2. The Adjustment Bureau/Universal Wknd/$ 20.9 Total/$ 20.9

3. Beastly/CBS Wknd/$ 10.1 Total/$ 10.1

4. Hall Pass/Warners Wknd/$ 9.0 Total/$ 27.0

5. Gnomeo And Juliet/Disney Wknd/$ 6.9 Total/$ 83.7

6. Unknown/Warners Wknd/$ 6.6 Total/$ 53.1

7. The King’s Speech/Weinstein Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$123.8

8. Just Go with It/Sony Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 88.2

9. I Am Number Four/Touchstone Wknd/$ 5.7 Total/$ 46.4

10. Justin Bieber/Parmount Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 68.9

WHAT? NO BLAZING SADDLES?

Rango opens at number one and like most non-Pixar animated films, this lacks the cohesion needed to be exceptional but is enjoyable nonetheless, especially if you like or know westerns. It begins almost immediately with a “Greek chorus” of mariachi band playing and narrating much like Nat King Cole did in Cat Ballou. Next a doomed desert frog screams at Rango after being taken by a hawk (wearing a Silver nosepiece like another character in Cat Ballou), “You son of a----“ before being drowned out like the end of The Good, The Bad & The Ugly. It all culminates with an appearance by “The Spirit of the West” who looks and sounds a lot like Clint Eastwood as The Man With No Name, complete with a bag filled with gold statues. The story isn’t new of someone pretending to be a badass gunfighter and inadvertently becoming sheriff. James Garner made a few movies about it. The problem is the movie can’t decide if Rango is just running a game and merely stumbling into some sort of success as sheriff as when he kills the hawk that attacks the town. Or he actually wants to be who he pretends he is as shown when he demonstrates some degree of deductive skill (which fits because the plot is lifted from Chinatown complete with a character based on John Huston). But while these provided a steady stream of amusement for me, what about the kids who of course have no idea about these things? What’s filling the void of actual storytelling and character for them? Not much.

AS ALWAYS, 12-YEAR-OLD BOYS RUN THE MOVIES

The Adjustment Bureau opens at number two and there are some moments when I become a total 12-year-old geek in spite of myself and this movie is one of them as any interest I had in the science fiction plot was completely destroyed by the movie looking like the most banal of love stories. Of course the irony is, that interpretation is what most likely brought in a female audience that never would have seen it otherwise. But I have to admit, even the plot of a group of secret men (whose fashion sense stopped in 1954) actually controlling everything in the world makes no sense to me given how much the world sucks. It would make them the most colossal of sadists. Also, how do you think a tribesman in the rainforest feels about a white guy dressed like Don Draper controlling his life? And after he’s told that if they stay together it destroys them both but still he fights it without some hint of their fallibility. Which makes me wonder why exactly we’re on Matt Damon’s side. Oh, for love. And the 12-year-old in me again says, “Hell, no.”

NICE TRY, 12-YEAR-OLD GIRLS, BUT NO

Beastly opens at number three and I guess if the females over the age of 21 were in The Adjustment Bureau, then the rest were here in this retelling of Beauty and the Beast which also has to be one of the least convincing given how they “disfigure” him does nothing to alleviate his bone structure or six-pack abs. Now he’s just a hot guy with a bunch of weird tattoos. He could be the guitarist in half-a-dozen bands. He’s supposed to be ugly not a different kind of hot. Hell, he might get more pussy this way. Saturday Night Live nailed this perfectly in its parody where he turns into a dweeb. Just as Dermot Mulroney looks like an uglier Keanu Reeves they should have hired two similar actors to play the character. Of course some poor bastard would have to deal with being called “ugly” but I’m sure his frequent failure to get leading roles would have confirmed that for him long ago. Man up, kid.

REMEMBER WHAT I SAID ABOUT THE POWER OF 12-YEAR-OLD BOYS?

Hall Pass is down to number four and who keeps giving the Farrelly Brothers money to make these adolescent comedies? They must really deliver on home video, because theatrically, they disappoint. The Heartbreak Kid was saved by making almost $100M overseas, but Shallow Hal, Fever Pitch, Stuck on You and Osmosis Jones at best didn’t lose money. Not to mention, they peaked artistically with There’s Something About Mary and it’s been downhill ever since. There is nothing about this I find the least bit appealing from the premise of two guys getting a week off from marriage to try and get laid to the casting. First off, who would marry these fucking adolescents to begin with? If they’re like this now, they were worse years ago. And second, since when is being married to Christina Applegate an issue!?! If she only fucks you once a year you’re still better off than 90% of the populace. Not to mention the main reason men want to have sex with hot chicks is so they can brag to other men about having sex with hot chicks, so you’re still able to say you’re banging Kelly fucking Bundy no matter how infrequently.

THE MOST TALENTED WHORES MONEY CAN BUY

The abomination known as Gnomeo and Juliet is down to number five and the list of people who had an overdue car payment to appear in this atrocity is staggering. James McAvoy, Emily Blunt, Michael Caine, Maggie Smith, Jason Statham, Ozzie Osborne, Julie Walters and Patrick Stewart!?! Damn. Maybe they were all tricked into thinking they’d actually be doing an animated Romeo & Juliet and then found out it was this shit after the contracts were signed.

GOOD POETS BORROW; THE BEST POETS STEAL

Unknown is down to number six and I’m stealing the best line I read about this from the internet: “I think maybe he really wanted to be the star the Bourne series, but his agent said it wouldn't do very well. So now he's like, ‘You dropped the ball on the Bourne Identity, so I wanna see scripts where I'm in Europe, and I'm beating the living hell out of people.’” I’m man enough to admit when I’ve been out-snarked.

NEXT UP, THE KING’S ESSAY

The King’s Speech is down to number seven and while winning an Oscar didn’t do much for it financially, it didn’t need to. It had already made over $100M off a $15M budget which is the only reason people make movies anyway.

THIS IS HOW YOU TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN

Just Go With It is down to number eight and is there something in Nicole Kidman’s contract that says you can’t advertise that she’s in this movie? If so I can understand. She got paid to go to Hawaii but no one associates her with this. Well played, madam. Well played.

I AM THE SECOND BAD CAREER CHOICE

I Am Number Four is down to number nine, giving the pretty boy two bad movies in the top ten and sadly that’s both better and worse than Teresa Palmer whose second film Take Me Home Tonight, didn’t even break the top ten, but we’ll get to that. It’s better because, well, it’s two films in the top ten. It’s worse because at least she’s not the star of either and in this case is the best thing in it. Timothy Olyphant is technically in two films as he does a voice in Rango, but like Dianna Agron (whose name sounds like she should be questing with hobbits) he’s got a day job. These other two, not so much and pretty boy is one second away from playing the douchebag who loses the hot girl to the less-attractive-but-lovable lead.

THE END

Finally Justin Bieber: Never Say Never Closes out the top ten at number and the Saturday Night Live skit about him was dead on perfect. “Swagger coach.” Don’t make me like you, Miley Cyrus.

I GUESS “HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF” WAS TAKEN

Not breaking the Top Ten is Take Me Home Tonight (told you we’d get to it) and you know you’re old when your youth is the subject of period films. I was actually working in a video store right after graduating from college in 1988 like Topher Grace. Granted, it was only part time and I didn’t live with my parents, but still. It struck a little too close to home. But honestly, the most 80’s thing about this movie is its lack of originality, which doesn’t stop at the song-based title, itself a very 80’s marketing technique (Jumping Jack Flash, Stand By Me, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, etc). It’s also every 80’s comedy about the dweeb going after the hot girl that you’ve ever seen with absolutely nothing new to add, in fact there’s less. Even the setting at a massive party is lifted directly from Sixteen Candles. There’s so much wrong with this I have to think there’s half-a-script laying in the garbage somewhere---or that the writer is just some middle-aged hack cranking out a fantasy about the girl he never got. Honestly, it could be either one. The girl in question (Teresa Palmer, who needs a new agent) was supposedly the hottest girl in school, but only Topher Grace is after her? If it’s right after college every guy in school should have been at this party should be taking a shot of her, especially if they feel “transformed” after college. In fact, a lot of them should have been his fellow geeks trying to stab him in the back. And the film utterly ignores the irony of him dismissing a girl from high school who was hot for him at the party. Self-awareness is as missing from this as any use of the time period. Honestly, aside from some fashions and pop culture references, there’s no hint of the time frame. Nothing even remotely culturally relevant specifically to 1988. On one hand there are no painful “winking” jokes about things we know are going to happen, but on the other hand, what’s the point in setting it 23 years ago if you’re not going to make use of what happens over the next decade and how it pertains to the main character. There aren’t even the required-by-movie-law scenes at the end that tell the characters’ various fates over the unfolding decades. We’re even hinted at something the first scene with Topher Grace and a classmate who did find his way ultimately pertains to his future, but it’s never followed upon, though he reflects back to it in the film’s final scene. The movie. just. stops. Given that Topher Grace is clearly a slacker the 90’s should have been a golden age for him, but we’re given not a clue. His twin sister was an aspiring writer, his stock movie character best friend (fat, drunken, horny) had just lost his job and was at loose ends and even the girl hates her investment-banking job. All we know is that three of them had breakfast together. The end. Oh, and “Take Me Home Tonight” is never used in the film.

DRIVE BROKE

Gone from the top ten is Drive Angry, the latest entry on Nicholas Cage’s “I’ve got to pay off the IRS” tour." Well at least that’s what we’re blaming his choices on now. Back when he was doing shit like Con Air it was just because he was a whore. The irony is, money from movies like Con Air are what got him into trouble and this movie is actually better than Con Air. Not that it’s saying much. This is very much the type of 70’s grindhouse flick that Tarantinio and Rodriquez keep trying so hard to do as a self-aware exploitation flick, which is why you have sex, cursing, nudity, violence and car chases almost as soon at the lights go down. It’s not a bad plot. Nicholas Cage is such a badass he escapes from hell to save his granddaughter (I guess the marketing team thought saying it was his daughter made a 50-year-old man seem younger) ironically from Satan worshippers---whom Satan himself doesn’t so much care for. We know this from the movie’s best character: The Accountant who is sent to bring Cage back. He has all the best lines and is played to perfection by William Fitchner, the guy you call when Christopher Walken isn’t available because he is the only person who could have done this role better. Honestly, for a B-movie it’s not bad at all and in the hands of someone a tad more talented could have been a true guilty pleasure.

I NEED DUMBER FRIENDS

Another Oscars came and went and as usual I spent it at my traditional Oscar party, though this year the person who always cheats off me, but changes one or two answers to win declined to play. Didn’t save me, though. Every year I make the mistake of voting with my heart instead of my mind and it costs me. This time it was wanting The Kids Are All Right to win something, which was stupid. It was going to be The Black Swan and The King’s Speech all the way. Any idiot knew that. And to top it off I invited an equally knowledgeable friend to the party and she won. Bitch. Okay, it’s been a week, but here’s what I remember…the show itself blew but it being good is the only time it’s remarkable. Sucking is the status quo. Why they decided to go with actors WHO NEED SCRIPTS TO BE INTERESTING is beyond me. There’s a reason stand-up comedians and talk show hosts usually get this job. They know how to think on their feet. And doing the Billy Crystal bit where they insert themselves into other films just fell flat…what the fuck was the normally reliable Cate Blanchett wearing? It looked a giant cameo and there should be a picture of her great-grandmother there…at least we now know who Scarlett Johansson was fucking to get her hair that way….while he had a certain amount of charm, watching Kirk Douglas was painful. We were all afraid he was going to drop dead right there…I’ve no hate for Melissa Leo and frankly she should have been cursing more…Christian Bale didn’t forget his wife or daughter’s names. He tries never to discuss them in public, so get the fuck over it…given that fucking Berlin has an Oscar and so does Lionel Richie, that Trent Reznor now has one should not be shocking. But if you didn’t know GenX was middle-aged before, you sure as shit know it now. Somewhere Courtney Love laughed because she looks a lot better than that…my god. Did Oprah not have the biggest tits in the world?...so sue me. I liked the bit where they turned movies into musicals. It was certainly funnier than anything the hosts did. And how long is James Franco going to insist he wasn’t stoned? It’s better to be stoned than to stand up there and openly not give a shit. Kiss your future Oscar chances goodbye otherwise…unlike the hosts, Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law actually had chemistry and I’d rather watch their homoerotic bickering…Randy Newman is a plague on music. But “Short People” rocks…with all due respect to Lena Horne you’d have been better off including more people than giving her a segment of her own. Not to mention her granddaughter Jenny Lumet is an Oscar nominated screenwriter. A little more appropriate than Halle Berry unless your goal was to match up Hollywood’s favorite light-skinned Black women…I was joking for weeks that Annette Benning will never win because everyone is getting back at Warren Beatty for either fucking them or fucking their wives, daughters and girlfriends. It’s getting funnier because it seems to be true…I love those schoolkids from YouTube, but ending with them and the winners was a mistake. They find new ways to fuck it up every year. We got rid of that five nominees presenting bullshit only to do something even more stupid.

I AM THE 400TH RIP OFF OF THIS IDEA

1. Unknown/Warners Wknd/$ 21.8 Total/$ 21.8

2. I Am Number Four/Touchstone Wknd/$ 19.4 Total/$ 19.4

3. Gnomeo And Juliet/Disney Wknd/$ 19.2 Total/$ 50.3

4. Just Go with It/Sony Wknd/$ 18.5 Total/$ 50.3

5. Big Momma 3/Fox Wknd/$ 16.3 Total/$ 16.3

6. Justin Bieber/Parmount Wknd/$ 13.3 Total/$ 48.2

7. The King’s Speech/Weinstein Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$103.2

8. The Roommate/SGems Wknd/$ 3.9 Total/$ 32.5

9. The Eagle/Focus Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 15.1

10. No Strings Attached/Paramount Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 66.0

THEN HE’LL TAKE ON THE KILLER BEES

Unknown opens at number one and Liam Neeson has begun a second career as an aging action star battling the collective fears of society. First, he stops those dirty foreigners from taking your virginal daughters because the weak-ass French sure as hell can’t do it and now he’s going to snap the necks of anyone trying to steal your identity. In the next one I want him to kill people who steal your wireless internet signal. You can tell he’s a bigger star now because in the last one the 20-something actress played his daughter. Here the 20-something actress plays his wife. Honestly, because this just looked so much like Taken and because they gave so much away in the trailer (it’s clearly a plot against him and apparently he’s got ass-kicking skills no normal doctor would have) sleeping in looked like a more enjoyable option.

THE AMAZING POWERS OF BUFFY ON THE ROSWELL/SMALLVILLE BORDER

I Am Number Four opens at number two and I’ll admit, this was a guilty pleasure to me, but given I’ve watched ten years of Smallville is that a surprise? Superpowered teens have been a part of pop culture since Superboy first popped up sixty years ago and has continued on through Spider-Man, Buffy and technically the Twilight series. That last example is especially relevant when you consider this is based on Young Adult novel from the fiction factory of none other than disgraced novelist, James Fry (by fiction factory I mean his name is on it, but it’s written by one of a group of writers). But the real wonder is how the creators of either the Powers of Matthew Star or Roswell aren’t suing them for essentially copying their idea. Basically, the last members of the elite of an alien race are all hiding on earth and each has a guardian. Judging by the looks of them, this was a planet of supermodels, as pretty boy Alex Pettyfer (who aside from being a model is the son of a model) is the charge and Timothy Olyphant is the guardian. This is what makes their “blend in” strategy so hysterical. Yeah, no one’s going to notice the tall, good-looking father and son duo. Especially when the kid dyes his hair blonde of all colors, because no one notices a tall, good-looking blonde. But on a basic level it works, especially in the last twenty minutes, where all the teen angst stops and the powers, explosions and special effects come out. Just don’t ask yourself logical questions, like, if their guardians know these kids are to be the super-powered defenders against evil why the fuck aren’t they training them? When the kid throws a tantrum and uses his newly awakened powers against Timothy Olyphant, Olyphant the uses a precise strategy to kick his ass anyway. You’d think that lead to a lecture about his powers not being enough against someone used to fighting them (like their enemies clearly did to wipe out their race) but it doesn’t. Little details like that are what prevent this from at least being a decent little teen action movie. Another reason the last half-hour is a lot fun is entrance of the no-nonsense Number Six, a cute blonde on a motorcycle who actually knows how to kick ass using her powers, but a smarter producer would have introduced her to the film midway through, not in the final act. It’s not like it’s a good book you’d be changing.

BLONDE, PRETTY, BIG BOOBS…SINCE WHEN DO PEOPLE LIKE THAT?

The cinematic herpes known as Gnomeo & Juliet holds at number three, followed by Just Go With It At Number four and what is it about Brooklyn Decker that I’m not getting? Even on a purely physical level (not that there’s anything else) what is it about her that makes seeming every male cream in their jeans? Honestly, Bridgette Wilson in Billy Madison was hotter.

MARTIN THE MOVIE WOULD BE BETTER

Big Momma: Like Father, Like Son opens at number five and there just are no words for this…abomination. Seriously, this looks like one of those 30 Rock joke movies that Tracey Jordan has made. As Eddie Murphy said about Beverly Hills Cop 3 “It’s hard to turn down $15M dollars” but there shouldn’t be any amount of money in the world that would get you to do this. Will Smith, you should help your boy out and make Bad Boys 3 to stop him from doing shit like this. No, the world doesn’t need Bad Boys 3 either, but it needed this even less.

POTENTIAL AND FIFTY CENTS WILL GET YOU A CUP OF COFFEE

Justin Beiber: Never Say Never is down to number six, followed by The King’s Speech at number seven and The Roommate at number eight and also in this is Billy Zane who is like a rocket that just simply couldn’t make orbit. He’s been around forever and always seemed like just one step away from being a star, from having a role in Titanic to being the titular star of the potential Phantom movie franchise, but it just never happened to the point he was reduced to a joke about mostly being famous for dating models, as shown in Zoolander. Know who else was in The Phantom? Catherine Zeta Jones. He was also the psycho who tormented Nicole Kidman and Sam Neil in Dead Calm. And was the funniest part of Only You with Marisa Tomei and Robert Downey Jr. Yeah, that’s gotta hurt seeing how many of your own generation have succeeded and now you’re just supporting the next generation. Well, at least you’re working. Can’t remember the last time I saw your sister, Lisa Zane. Maybe she’s hanging out with Angelina Jolie’s brother.

MANLY MEN DOING MANLY THINGS

The Eagle is down to number nine and this is the manliest movie in the manliest sense because there are no women in it. I mean there are women of course, but none with an actual speaking role that I can remember, much less a character of any substance or weight. Even the book has at least one woman who actually saves the life of Jamie Bell’s character in the arena. In the movie Channing Tatum does it so the “No Girls Allowed” sign can stay on the clubhouse door. It’s funny because I mocked Centurion for its somewhat forced inclusion of the beautiful woman who helps the lead. You just can’t win with me.

THE SECOND IN THE HISTORY OF STAR WARS

No Strings Attached closes out the top ten at number ten and far from crushing Natalie Portman’s Oscar chances with a Norbit like torpedo, this may actually bolster it by showing her as a successful box office force. It’s made $88M worldwide on a $25M budget without a single special effect and Black Swan has made $200M off a $13M budget. Gasp! Is Natalie Portman finally a genuine A-list star?

I WAS BORN IN A SMALL TOWN

Not in the top ten is Cedar Rapids a comedy about Ed Helms as a small-town manchild who loses his innocence in the wilds of Cedar Rapids. This is one of those films that simultaneously exalt the virtues of middle America but at the same time ripping off the veil. Helms is genuinely a simple innocent, but the film opens with him boning his former 5^th grade teacher, played by Sigourney Weaver. He loves the small insurance firm where he works and idolizes its best salesman---who then dies of autoerotic asphyxiation. He genuinely does not know the girl talking to him in front of the hotel is a hooker and gives her butterscotch but later winds up doing meth and making out with her. Yeah, it’s like that, but believe it or not, it all works thanks in no small part to an army of talented supporters from the aforementioned Sigourney Weaver to Stephen Root to Anne Heche to John C Reilly (as the foul-mouthed agent who helps lead him down the path of awakening) to Rob Corddry to Isaiah Whitlock Jr, providing a meta joke as very square insurance salesman who loves “HBO’s The Wire.”

ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST

I love you, Judy Greer, but Mad Love is yet another bad TV show you’re on and I cannot put myself through it just for you. I remain eternally sad love monkey didn’t work out. Even that show on ABC with as a guidance counselor was better than this.

DO YOU LIKE MOVIES ABOUT GLADIATORS?

1. Just Go with It/Sony Wknd/$ 31.0 Total/$ 31.0

2. Justin Bieber/Parmount Wknd/$ 30.3 Total/$ 30.3

3. Gnomeo And Juliet/Disney Wknd/$ 25.5 Total/$ 25.5

4. The Eagle/Focus Wknd/$ 8.6 Total/$ 8.6

5. The Roommate/SGems Wknd/$ 8.4 Total/$ 26.1

6. The King’s Speech/Weinstein Wknd/$ 7.4 Total/$ 93.9

7. No Strings Attached/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 59.9

8. Sanctum/Universal Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 17.5

9.True Grit/Paramount Wknd/$ 3.8 Total/$160.3

10. The Green Hornet/Sony Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 92.3

BEAUTIES AND THE BEAST

Just Go With It opens at number one and I’d like to rant on about this as another instance of ugly men with gorgeous women half their ages in movies, but it’s always been like this. Humphrey Bogart is a movie god, but he was not good looking and Lauren Bacall was half his age. Ugly men run the movies and always have. If they were good looking, they’d be in front of the camera. You don’t see Ryan Reynolds making any business decisions do you? No boy from Gossip Girl is going to be deciding who gets hired and fired. No one with an aquiline nose, chiseled jaw, full head of hair and a flat stomach decided, “Hey, let’s put Adam Sandler with a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model.” No, Adam Sandler decided that and his legions of equally aesthetically-challenged fans let the world know it was all right, the same way they did when he cast Bridget Wilson, Julie Bowen, Winona Ryder, Courtney Cox, Jessica Biel, Emmanuelle Chirqui, Kate Beckinsale and Salma Hayek as his love interests. Drew Barrymore, not so much. With the exception of Happy Gilmore, I find Adam Sandler’s humor to be one colossal lowbrow failure and I’ve got nothing against a good lowbrow joke. He’s just not funny. That he’s ugly doesn’t help. Needless to say I did not and will not see this.

NEW EDITION, NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK…THE LIST IS ENDLESS

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never opens at number two and he’s always freaked me out because while it’s a running joke that he looks like a lesbian, I know a lesbian who does in fact look just like him. That said, he doesn’t bother me. Seriously, Katie Perry bothers me more. Bieber is just the latest in a tradition of teen idols going back to Frank Sinatra with everyone from Elvis, Michael Jackson and Justin Timberlake in between. People who hate him either have no sense of history or are just painfully stupid. Not to mention, that clip of him drumming at two is better that I can drum right now, so I can’t deny he’s probably more talented on some level than 90% of the populace.

NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS

Gnomeo & Juliet opens at number three and you have got to be fucking kidding me. Just when you think you have hit rock bottom with Alpha & Omega, they clearly have started tunneling with shit like this. But it always makes money because every parent in the country will take their child to this just to have 90 minutes of peace. Not the parent taking them, but the one who gets to stay home, who will owe the other big time.

NO, WE ARE NOT ENTERTAINED

The Eagle opens at number four and what the hell is this return to movies about the Roman Empire? Is this still a residual effect of Gladiator? But it’s not big mainstream work, but smaller indie films that are doing it. Earlier this year it was Centurion, which was about the loss of the legendary 9^th Legion, which was annihilated by the Northern British tribes, without one single survivor to tell the tale. This is about Channing Tatum as the son of the general who led the 9^th into disaster trying to redeem his family’s honor by finding “The Eagle” the symbol of Roman military might. Aiding him in this is his British slave, Jaime Bell, whom he saved from death in the arena when he [Bell] wouldn’t fight to amuse the Romans. Now, I give the film credit for trying to do more than just be an action movie and spending time to show the details of both Roman life and that of the tribes of Britain who justifiably hated them, but that only makes sense if the movie were about Tatum’s growing awareness of the flaws of Rome and his eventual realization of the rights of those people. It’s not. It’s about him finding the fucking Eagle and pretty much killing the people who stand his way. There’s never any real doubt whether or not his slave will turn on him though they give it lip service. Of course he’s so impressed he is with Channing Tatum’s quest for honor he forgets about how his father had to kill his own mother to keep her from being raped by Roman soldiers. How can you give your situation depth but not give your main character the same consideration? There’s even a moment where the beautiful daughter of the chieftain who has The Eagle takes notice of Tatum. You know where this is going, right? Wrong. It leads to nothing. It’s dismissed as quickly as it comes up is the possibility his father didn’t die fighting, something he suggests early in the film. Basically, showing history in more detail is easy, creating a fully realized character is not. And while this is drama and not history (something critics of The King’s Speech need to learn) it still pisses me off that they do so much to show details of life of that period, they still get the fucking “thumbs” wrong. When the emperor wanted someone to die, he gave thumbs up to say “Yes, do it!” Thumbs down was “No, he lives.” One fucking painting has epically defined general knowledge of this.

AND SHE LOOKS KINDA PORNY

The Roommate is down to number five and there are actors who were made for TV and actors who were made for the movies. Alyson Michalka is a TV actor. Tall, blonde and attractive you’d think she have her choice of roles, but the fact is, her look isn’t…innocent enough to be “The Girl” for whom our hero longs for. In this she’s the suspicious best friend who meets a bad end (thank you trailer for giving it all away) and in Easy A she’s the annoying friend who turns on her. On TV, however, where women hold the most viewing power, she’s the lead of her own series. Discuss amongst yourselves.

THERE’S NOTHING WORSE THAN GEEK SLOPPY SECONDS

The King’s Speech is down to number six and I had the worst crush on Helena Bonham Carter beginning back with the still perfect Room With A View (whoever stole my copy, you’ll pay for that in hell) carried on through every other period piece she did and climaxed with a full frontal nude sex scene in The Wings of the Dove. Then Tim Burton tainted her forever with his seed. I know they’ve broken up, but his gothic geek stench remains.

MRS. RALPH BELLAMY

No Strings Attached is down to number seven and also in this is Lake Bell. This is her second movie with Ashton Kutcher and in both she’s the more interesting second banana female. She’s funnier and tougher than Cameron Diaz in What Happens In Vegas and is funnier and more interesting than Natalie Portman here (with a better boobs than both). She was so Meryl Streep’s nemesis in It’s Complicated. Again, on TV she was the lead in her own ill-fated series about weird alien undersea creatures, but in the movies she cannot get the guy.

THE END

Sanctum is down to number eight, followed by True Grit at number nine and The Green Hornet closing out the top ten at ten.

I’M NOT GAY AND DON’T HAVE GOLDFISH

Again, trying to keep to my New Year’s resolution of going out more, I wound up at a karaoke, where everyone now clearly bases their song choices on this week’s episode of Glee (they should really get a cut of how they’ve probably improved karaoke business over the last year). I was at a bar near midtown on 38^th street with a few of the Jezebels though they’re more Tumblr people these days and apparently it’s something I need to be doing. Dunno. Daddy can barely handle Facebook. Tumbling and Tweeting may be a bit much. Besides, none of our lives is actually that interesting. We were doing traditional karaoke this time, $1.50 per song in a bar with others, rather than the painfully expensive private room, but I still made the same mistake as always: too much time talking loudly in a bar before trying to sing. My voice was shot before a single note. I mean it was going to suck no matter what, but now it was going to be execrable. Fortunately, there are songs that don’t require actual singing like Cameo’s “Word Up” and Justin Timberlake’s “Sexy Back.” Trying to do Maroon 5 “If I Never See Your Face Again” was a mistake, however, though he really can’t sing either. I could oddly hit the high notes however and the group of sistas at the bar helped me out. Of course the best part of any karaoke experience are others, even though their pathetic behavior may strike a bit too close to home. Namely the lonely middle-aged drunk queen who started off by massacring Swing Out Sister’s “Breakout” they proceeded to annoy our group all night. He started by believing the myth that as a gay man he’s got a bond with every larger-sized black woman on the planet and commented on the coat of a girl in our group. Then he starting hitting on one-half of the gay couple until he was told in no uncertain terms to “Go the fuck away.”…which only sent him to try and strike up conversation with the girls in our group. Finally, he left…only to return and continue to annoy everyone around him. Clearly there was no one at home (I’m sure even his goldfish were annoyed by him) and judging by his musical choices his best years were the 80’s. Like I said, pathetic behavior that struck a little close to home. Then he left again…and came back again, only to finally find someone he couldn’t annoy, two guys who were characters in their own right. One was shorter larger-sized guy and the other was his taller, thin longhaired friend. Basically the comic relief sidekicks to the main character in any movie you’ve seen. The thin guy even had a pathetic growth on his face that he was trying to call a goatee. Basically think of that tall geek from Freaks and Geeks. He didn’t seem to annoy them, but we feared for their future if they got too drunk with him. They might wake up the next morning to find their friendship had crossed line. We left karaoke to go another bar nearby but the area between Madison and Fifth is where K-town becomes Murray Hill, is unfortunately filled with the douchebaggery the east side has been known for. It was initially the Upper East Side that was populated with the crowd who can’t seem to leave college, then it sprouted up on Park Avenue in the area between 18^th street and 23d and now Murray Hill fills the gap. The guys who wear Axe and women who get roofied by them. None of us could stand it so we then went to place in K-Town that promised fried chicken with cocktails---only to be disappointed to find it closed. However, there was another Korean fried chicken place just across the street that was open (it was after midnight after all) and yea, it was good. After that we closed the night out at an Irish bar between 5^th Avenue and Herald Square where I continued my new thing of whiskey. Yes, today I have become a man…thanks to the lesbians who made me drink it on New Year’s Eve.

HALF THE MUSIC, ALL THE ANNOYANCE

My DVR is so full it not only wouldn’t record all The Grammys for me, but started deleting stuff on top of it. Sigh. Okay, I came in at Katy Perry and she doesn’t annoy because of her music---which is just recycled 80’s hooks, which is why Nicole Kidman loves it so much---it’s the lyrics. It’s not that they’re bad. I mean, I grew up on Duran Duran, so I know bad, but they’re not even interesting. They’re worst than bad. They’re banal, boring. There is no greater sin in art...Norah Jones, Keith Urban and John Mayer doing his best Johnny Depp doing Dolly Parton ain’t bad at all…If you’d told me 5-6 years ago that Rhianna would still be around and a megastar I’d have called you crazy. And I don’t even know who the second singer with Eminem is. You know you’re old when the Grammys are more current than you…poor Esperanza Spalding, the curse of “Best New Artist” is on you now. Just ask Men at Work, Taste of Honey or even Christina Aguilera who won it over Britney what it means for your future…the musical role call of death…MICK! Clearly doing a tribute to someone who meant something to him. This is what a superstar looks like, kids. Holy shit is that Raphael Saddiq on guitar? You can’t push him like you push Keith. He’s not used to it….Kris Kristofferson when did you get so old?...Babs and another example of what a superstar looks like, kids. Though that dress isn’t doing her any favors…Nicki Minaji clearly loved that Bride of Blackenstein sketch on SNL last week…P. Diddy needs to stick to classic suits. Trying his own edgy style looks like shit…so how is it with all the men Rhianna worked with, none of them beat the shit out of Chris Brown?...JLo is The Bride of The Zombie…it’s okay, Babs. Beyond a bunch of hipsters who are undoubtedly upset that “their” band is even on the Grammys, no one knows or gives a fuck about Arcade Fire. Though I do like the idea that winners get to close the show.