1. Superbad/Sony Wknd/$ 18.0 Total/$ 68.6
2. The Bourne Ultimatum/Universal Wknd/$ 12.4 Total/$ 185.1
3. Rush Hour 3/New Line Wknd/$ 12.3 Total/$ 109.0
4. Mr. Bean’s Holiday/Universal Wknd/$ 10.1 Total/$ 10.1
5. WAR/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 10.0
6. The Nanny Diaries/MGM Wknd/$ 7.8 Total/$ 7.8
7. The Simpsons Movie/Fox Wknd/$ 4.4 Total/$ 173.4
8. Stardust/Paramount Wknd/$ 3.9 Total/$ 26.5
9. Hairspray/New Line Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 107.5
10. The Invasion/Warner Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 11.5

NO GROWTH, NO LEARNING
Superbad holds at number one because there are more teenage boys our there than you know, even if their driver’s licenses say something different. And one of the reasons this movie is so immature when it comes to the opposite sex is because the writers started this screenplay when they were 12---and obviously didn’t do a lot of growing. Then they hooked up with Judd Apatow, which meant no further growth or understanding would be required. But Apatow’s not completely distant from the girls. Just as Seth Rogen came from Apatow’s Freaks & Geeks, I noticed that the girl who was part of the unfortunate menstrual blood scene looked familiar as well. Turns out she was Lizzie on Freaks & Geeks. That’s gotta hurt.

“Hey, Carla. Judd Apatow remembers you and wants you to be in a movie he’s producing.” “That’s great! What’s my role?”
“You’re the girl on her period who bleeds all over a character’s leg while dancing. It’s gonna be hysterical.”

But she’s not alone. Kevin Corrigan, who was in the first episode of Freaks & Geeks, plays her boyfriend. Also, appearing is David Krumholtz, who did a few episodes of Undeclared himself, as did Matthew McClane. No who’s not here? Tom Welling, aka Clark Kent on Smallville, who auditioned for Undeclared and while Apatow claimed he loved him and did give him a small role in the pilot, he just had no regular place for a 6’4” former Abercrombie & Fitch model (he used to model with Ashton Kutcher). God forbid he maybe show up briefly in Knocked Up as Katherine Heigel's ex-boyfriend or something. Admittedly he’d seriously have no place in this land of losers, unless he was Hot Cool Girl’s older brother, whom she didn’t want to ask to buy booze.

ARI GOLD AT WORK?
The Bourne Ultimatum holds at number two and if I’m an actor in Hollywood, I’m trying to get hooked up with Matt Damon’s agent right now! Are you listening Ben Affleck? He’s got not one, but two franchises in Ocean’s and Bourne and then there was The Departed last year and even high profile work like The Good Shepard (which is seemingly been remade for TV as The Company; are there really that many people out there this interested in the origins of the CIA?). Here’s part of it. Since 2002 when he appeared on Will & Grace, he’s only starred in ten films and three of them where released in the last year. Only Nicholas Cage seeming has to work every five minutes. So, choosing wisely is very much part of it. The only clue is what’s next, because both franchises need to end right now---and Ocean’s 11 never even should have had a sequel to begin with.

SCHAUDENFRAUDE IS MY RELIGION
Rush Hour 3 is down to number three and one of the things missing from this sequel is the addition of new faces, specifically female faces. Zhang Ziyi and Roselyn Sanchez (as good girl and bad girl respectively) brought a spark of energy to the second (not to mention Roselyn’s smoking ass). It helped to engage your female audience by having women as more than just eye candy. This one just drops that altogether, which is an obvious mistake, as shown by its disappointing return. Heh-heh-heh.

IT’S ALL MONTY PYTHON AND BENNY HILL
Mr. Bean’s Vacation opens at number four and who are you people that like this character? Sometimes I find English humor so inexplicable, that I question their origins as our mother country. I want a cultural DNA test! Now, I could get Black Adder (kinda) but Mr. Bean is a mystery, much less the need to translate him to the big screen, much less produce a freaking sequel. Then again, I don’t understand how dumbass slapstick gave the Pink Panther movies a hundred sequels, much less a recent rebirth. Who above the age of ten thinks tripping and falling is funny? Who are you people?

IT’S GOOD FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, NOT EVEN ACTION MOVIES
WAR opens at number four and the difference between good movies and bad movies usually isn’t just the big things like budget or top talent, but in the little things. Take for example the scene where Jason Statham arrives at the home of his now deceased partner. When he approaches the house, he’s naturally stopped by the police because crime scenes are cordoned off. He produces his FBI identification and is let through. But before that we see him drive up to a police car blocking off the scene and in a better movie that’s where he would have been stopped. Also, in the midst of all remnants of the fire he “just happens” to notice a shell casing on the ground, where in a better movie the guys working the crime scene would have found it and he would have gotten it later. But the best part has to be when the local police ask him to leave so forensics can come in. Oh, did I say “forensics”? Because the actual term in the movie used is “C.S.I.” No, I am not kidding you. They actually use the term “C.S.I.” Not forensics, not even “crime scene”, but C-fucking-S-fucking-I. I kept waiting for David Carrusso or William Petersen to show up. This, more than anything lets you this movie will be complete and utter crap. And it is. There aren’t nearly enough fight scenes for this type of utterly stupid movie. And I mean hand-to-hand fight scenes. I can get gun battles anywhere, but Statham and Li are famous for kicking people in the head and since this is a stupid movie about a Triad/Yakuza war (Chinese organized crime vs. Japanese organized crime), there should have been endless scenes where men mysteriously don’t use guns but fight hand-to-hand---like the scene where ninjas show up with swords. Again, I’m not kidding. Ninjas make an appearance. That’s how dumb this is, but it refuses to fully embrace its “dumb fun” persona, which is why it blows in the end.

NOT TO MENTION A WHITE AMERICAN NANNY IS ALMOST SCIENCE FICTION
The Nanny Diaries opens at number five and it’s supposed to be this year’s The Devil Wears Prada, as it’s based on a book which was about a young outsider’s actual time in New York City’s upper class (then high fashion, now nannies for the rich), stars a rising young female actress (then Anne Hathaway, now Scarlett Johansson) coupled with an older respectable talent (then Meryl Streep, now Laura Linney). There’s even a generic pretty boy with more successful day job (then Fantastic Four’s Chris Evans, here Entourage’s Adrian Grenier) and “Black Girlfriend” (there Cold Case’s Tracie Thoms, here none other than Alicia Keys). But this didn’t get the same type or reviews or business and I’ll tell you why. Everyone can relate to or have some interest in fashion. Nannying? Not so much. Anne Hathaway doesn’t have such a defined public persona so she can be the “everygirl” protagonist. Whereas you know where Scarlett Johansson’s vagina has been (or should I say, who’s been in it). And while I loves me some Laura Linney, she ain’t no Meryl Streep. I am apparently one of the few heterosexual males who could give a shit about Scarlett Johansson. Seriously. I don’t care. Blonde hair, big lips, big tits. Theoretically that’s supposed to be what America is all about, but she just leaves me cold. In fact the best thing about her to me is her uncharacteristically deep voice. And I need more than just my beloved Laura Linney playing a bitch. At least Meryl Streep was queen bitch of fashion; the best at what she did. Laura Linney is just some ice queen housewife. And Alicia Keys may even be more famous than Scarlett Johansson but she’s barely in the advertising. Doesn’t matter how small the role is, she’s arguably the most famous person in your movie and especially big with the young people.

BACK IN MY DAY WE DID THE COMEDY BETTER
The Simpsons Movie is down to number seven and I get upset just talking about this now. Especially when I can come home from work and see something like the “Camp Krusty” episode, followed by the one where Home becomes union leader (“Dental plan…Lisa needs new braces.”).

AND HER BONING PUFFY DADDY JUST MAKES PEOPLE SICK
Stardust is down to number eight and Sienna Miller just can’t catch a break. She remains most famous for having boned Jude Law at his “Next Big Thing” peak. Did he get a Vanity Fare cover? Is that why he failed? Or does he also need to call Matt Damon’s agent. I mean, they made a movie together, didn’t they talk on the set of The Talented Mr. Ripley?

“You know, Matt. I’m going to bloody well make as many movies as I can. Something’s got to work.”
“I dunno know, Jude. I think you should pick and choose carefully.”
“That’s because you’re not pretty and look like a Howler Monkey and aging will only help you. I’m beautiful and it fades very quickly so I have to make the most of it.”

And when you think about it, everyone in that movie has done better than Jude Law. Cate Blanchett, Gwyneth Paltrow and Philip Seymour Hoffman all have Oscars. Oh, and if you like the pretty, the guy who played Brandon on The Tudors is in this as well, though unrecognizable, which defeats the point in hiring pretty boys. And why are the English men so much prettier than the women? Both this guy and the male lead are prettier than Sienna Miller. When they’re about to fight over her I half-expected them to look into each other’s eyes and then run off together (‘cause all British males are suspect).

ACCOMPLISHING WHAT GOLDFINGER AND DR. NO COULDN’T
Down to number nine is Hairspray, followed by The Invasion closing out the top ten at number ten and also in this is Daniel Craig, who follows the fine traditions of Bonds by poorly choosing his non-Bond roles. Your first clue should be the presence of Nicole Kidman. That automatically means failure. But he sadly has a second one with her coming up.

NEXT YOU’LL BE ASKING ME TO FLOSS!
So there are some theaters that make or break whether or not you see a movie. If I’m on the fence about something and it’s playing at The Ziegfeld, then I’ll most likely go because I just love going there. However, if I’m on the fence about something that’s playing at The Angelika, then I’m not going to see it. I fucking hate that place. Aside from the fact that it’s stupidly placed so close to the subways you can feel them go by (the actual theaters are all underground), but being downtown means you not only get your typical, obnoxious, annoying art film snobs, but they’re going to be young on top of it because they’re attending NYU. So why was I there, not only watching a freaking documentary but watching Manda Bala (With A Bullet) a Brazilian documentary about that country’s corruption? Movie Buddy (there’s no point in giving a year since I only have one). She worked on this film. Now good documentaries are like broccoli; you would never willing choose it over a side of fries, but when you eat it, it’s not just good, but good for you because it makes you think. Well, this was good and it did make me think, but then there’s the other side of the equation. Documentaries are about reality, which means they’re going to be somewhat depressing, ‘cause the sucks. But foreign ones tend to be especially depressing because no matter what you think of America, it’s worse everywhere else. This is no exception because in Brazil, politicians ARE EXEMPT FROM PROSECUTION. How fucking dumb is that? Politicians, despised the world over are exempt from the law. Gee, you don’t think they’ll abuse this privilege, do you? This movie as about how one politician in particular who, using a fake frog farm, stole about $9 billion Brazilian dollars meant to develop the poorest regions of Brazil. Now, because these regions are so poor, the many people migrate to San Paulo, one of the richest cities. There they live in poverty and turn to crime, which is why it has one of the highest kidnapping rates in the world. This is why, as we chronicle the scandal, we switch back between interviews with a frog farmer, a kidnap victim who lost both ears, the plastic surgeon who now makes his living replacing the body parts of kidnappers, a San Paulo businessman who now spends half his net worth simply trying not to be kidnapped, the police and prosecutors trying to bring the corrupt politician down, and finally we climax with an actual kidnapper and the corrupt politician himself. Here the irony is driven home because as ruthless as he is, the kidnapper uses his money to take care of people in the slums, while the ultimate reason they live this way, the politician, has no interests in doing the same, which is why the kidnapper exists to begin with. There’s also a frog analogy because frogs only result to cannibalism when underfed. Socially speaking, humans don’t necessarily need the same provocation, but will also do the same. But I still had to go to the freaking Angelika and yes, I had two idiots freely expressing their ignorance of film behind me like it was a service that came with the ticket (I moved). The only saving grace was the little bohemian 20-something girl I saw in the lobby. She was wearing denim short-shorts, a loose-fitting shirt which seemed to be designed specifically to showcase the fire-engine red bra underneath and knee high leather boots. On 90-degree day. In August. Almost worth the trip.

NEXT SINGLE: MY LUBRICATING VAGINA
What is it with you people and Pink? She releases a single, it bombs, then hangs around like a nagging cough until you all develop a fever for it and it becomes a hit. It was like that with her first lame-ass single, “There U Go” which took a year to become a hit, but ultimately made her a star. She went on a streak for awhile then this latest album came out and was a bit lackluster. The singles didn’t do well (not even “Stupid Girls” which mocked Britney and Paris) and now after 8 months the third single “You and Your Hand” is a hit and the second single that tanked, “Who Knew” also seems to be coming back. This makes no sense. And I actually like “U + Ur Hand” because I’m a bit shocked that a song openly about her telling so guy he’s got to go home a jerk off because she won’t fuck him is a hit. You used to have to use a metaphor to be dirty on the radio. To this day, few people know that Cyndi Lauper’s “She Bop” is about female masturbation. And don’t get me started on “Afternoon Delight” from the 70’s.

SPEAKING OF PENISES
So, pre-season football has started and this means lots of commercials about beer, cars and limp dicks. I can take a lot, but I have to turn the sound down then that commercial for Viagra using “Viva Las Vegas” and turning it into “Viva Viagra.” What. The. Fuck? Who the hell approved that? And who thought it would sound good. You know what it sounds like? Instead of “Viva Viagra” what you hear in your mind is “My Dick Don’t Work.” And even worse, it’s a bunch of sorry looking middle-aged men sitting around singing it. Guys who, if they aren’t married to someone obligated to give it up, wouldn’t need it anyway. And no I don’t feel I’m tempting fate. Hell, given how bad my memory is becoming (yes, this was pre-bleed), the last thing I need is blood redirected from my brain for any reason.

1. Superbad/Sony Wknd/$ 31.2 Total/$ 31.2
2. Rush Hour 3/New Line Wknd/$ 21.8 Total/$ 88.2
3. The Bourne Ultimatum/Universal Wknd/$ 19.0 Total/$ 163.8
4. The Simpsons Movie/Fox Wknd/$ 6.7 Total/$ 165.1
5. The Invasion/Warner Wknd/$ 6.0 Total/$ 6.0
6. Stardust/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.2 Total/$ 19.1
7. Hairspray/New Line Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 100.6
8. Underdog/Touchstone Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 31.7
9. Harry Potter & The Order of… Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 278.6
10. I Now Pronounce You Chuck… Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 110.4

NO, THE SONG NEVER PLAYS ONCE IN THIS MOVIE
Superbad opens at number one and I almost did not see this. No one does high school humiliation better than Judd Apatow and this is one of the reasons why I couldn’t sit through an episode of Freaks & Geeks. At some point I either had to turn the channel or leave the room. I was sad when it was cancelled, but I understood. And sure enough this movie about one fat geek and one skinny geek doesn’t go five minutes before a bully literally spits on one of them. I then prepared myself for the worst---but it wasn’t that bad and easily one of the most sexually profane movies in recent memory. The humiliations are lighter probably because Apatow neither wrote nor directed this (the two writers are Seth Rogan and Evan Goldberg, while the two characters are named Seth and Evan). But most of the humor comes from the uber-geek of Fogle a.k.a., “McLovin’”. And if they’d had more of McLovin’ and less of Seth I wouldn’t have minded one bit. The movie is typical teen sex comedy about “one big night.” In this case it’s a party thrown by the Hot Cool Girl for which they have agreed to buy liquor…and like always, that’s when the trouble starts. McLovin gets picked up by the two worst cops in LA (one of whom is played by co-writer, Seth Rogen), who pretty much take him to hang out with them, getting drunk and shooting guns, while Seth & Evan have to go to plan “B” of which they do not have and results in Seth being hit not once but twice by a car (but he’s okay)! The actor who plays Evan played George Michael on Arrested Development and learned his comedy lessons well, because his delivery almost always sounds like it’s ad-libbed, blurted out from his stream of consciousness. My favorite has to be when the drunken object of his affections tells him how wet she is and he replies, “Yeah, they told us about that in health class.” But like any Apatow film, women remain the blind spot. Just as Catherine Keener strangely had no friends in 40-Year-Old Virgin and Katherine Heigel had no friends or boyfriends despite being young, blonde, pretty and in a high profile job; the girls in here are nothing less than fantasy creations or creatures of mystery (thanks to a scene involving menstrual blood that I refuse to go into). The “Nice Girl” Evan wants turns out to also have a mutual crush on him and is ready to just flat out fuck him on their first romantic encounter. While I do give them credit for not making the Hot Cool Girl a typical bitch, there’s no way he’s her only outlet to buy booze and the final resolution is nothing less than geek fantasy (Hot Cool Girls, no matter how nice, do not give the fat kid time, not even sympathy time). In fact, if I didn’t know Apatow was married, I’d question if he’d even met a woman. And we’re denied what happens “the next day” with McLovin’ (I smell DVD deleted scene)! Who does fulfill his fantasy, but as you see in the commercials, it still goes wrong, because an Apatow movie couldn’t have it any other way.

JUST DESSERTS…OR THE LACK THEREOF
Rush Hour 3 is down to number two and word around the campfire is, the disappointing return on this has resulted in Brett Ratner having financial troubles because the movies aren’t doing well enough for him to get money off the back end. Same for X-Men 3. Heh-heh-heh. Coming to direct a Sci-Fi Channel made-for-tv movie near you.

MY HEAD LOOKS MORE BALD THAN SHAVEN
The Bourne Ultimatum is down to number three, followed by The Simpsons Movie at number four and I trust we’ve all gone to The Simpsons Movie website and created Simpsons versions of ourselves? This may actually be more fun than the movie.

WHAT KIND OF IDIOT REMAKES A GOOD MOVIE FOR A FOURTH TIME?
The Invasion opens at number five and this is the fourth version of this film to be made. I still say the original is the best, but the 70’s version comes damn close and is proof not all remakes are bad (though it has that mandatory 70’s depressing ending). In fact just as the star of the first one, Kevin McCarthy, has a small role in the 70’s remake, Veronica Cartwight who was in the 70’s version has a small role here (I don’t think anyone from the third version, Body Snatchers, directed by Abel Ferrara, makes an appearance). This was actually directed by Oliver Hirschbiegel, who did acclaimed Last Days, the story of Hitler’s last days, but the producers didn’t think his version had enough punch and brought in The Wachowski Brothers to do some work and another director to do some more scenes. He’s very gregarious about it, which has to be a European thing, because an American director would be screaming bloody murder over his “baby” or issuing a very terse “No comment.” Then again, he probably knew this would disappoint and would therefore be spared the blame. And this continues Nicole Kidman’s string of box office disappointments. How long is this going to go on? Jim Carrey, who was the first $20M man, didn’t get this far before he had to suck it up and literally not get paid and just wait for money off the back end. One more time: this is how big of a star Tom Cruise really is, because marrying him was her ascension to the A-list and there she has stayed no matter what.

PRETTY COSTS MONEY. WHY WASTE IT?
Stardust is down is to number six and director Matthew Vaughn has been signed to direct the movie version of the Marvel Comics Thor. Now, just as I once was thrilled to see him signed to direct X-Men 3, this was a little disappointing and I’m not sure how he would handle something like Thor. Sorry, but the geek in me has been hurt too many times and I would rather see these movies not being made than made badly. Also, while I love Kevin McKidd, who wonderfully played Lucius Vorenus on Rome and whose name has been batted around, he is not Thor. For one, he’s too fucking old. And totally physically wrong. Thor is a big blonde god. That ain’t him. And as far as this movie goes, there were pacing problems and what’s the point of hiring Michelle Pfeiffer if you’re just going to make her hideous for half the movie? Yes, I understand it’s part of the story that the more of her magic that she uses the worst she looks and she’s in a race against time, but this could have easily be amended to having her consistently fail because she refuse to use all her power in order to keep up her beauty. It fits the story and you get your beautiful star onscreen for the entire film. Needless to say, Claire Danes’s face is unobscured for the duration. Yeah, he needs to stay away from Thor.

THE KIDS THESE DAYS…
Hairspray is down to number seven and you know you’re old when the big events in teen culture are as about pertinent to you as the biggest cultural event in India. That’s how I am about High School Musical, which is what put Zac Posen, one of the stars of Hairspray, on the map. And while High School Musical 2,which aired this weekend, was nothing short of an epic development for anyone between the ages of 6 and 16, if I didn’t read about it in Entertainment Weekly, I wouldn’t even know it existed. Though if you have kids you are probably aware of this in a way you wish you weren’t.

BUT ONLY WHORES GET YOU OSCARS
Underdog is down to number eight, followed by Harry Potter & The Order of The Phoenix at number nine and closing out the top ten is I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and you know Jessica Biel is truly a star on the rise, because not only is she love interest of someone 15 years older, but she just got her first role as a stripper. You haven’t made it as a young actress until you play either a stripper or whore.

EXCALIBUR REMAINS THE STANDARD BY WHICH ALL OTHERS SHALL BE JUDGED
Not breaking the top ten is The Last Legion which is about the legend of King Arthur, so you know I was there. In case you wondered what all the other English actors were doing while they were making Harry Potter, well, here’s your answer. It stars Colin Firth, Thomas Sangster (Liam Neeson’s stepson in Love Actually), Sir Ben Kingsley, Kevin McKidd, Peter Mullan (who you’d know if you saw him), John Hannah (who was Gareth’s lover in Four Weddings & A Funeral who read the poem), Iain Glen (whom most of you know as the evil doctor in the Resident Evil movies or the bad guy in the first Lara Croft movie), Alexander Siddig (Bridget Jones’s gay friend, the doctor from Star Trek: Deep Space 9 and the last season of 24) and James Cosmo (the big burly father in Braveheart). The funny thing is, while I call them “English” all but four of them are actually Scottish. Also along for the ride is Aishwarya Rai. An Indian woman in a story about King Arthur? Yeah, don’t ask. It’s got something to do with the Constantine Empire. The kid, Sangster, is the last emperor of the dying Roman Empire and when the Goths invade and take over Colin Firth (who is the last person you’d think of as a warrior but actually manages to pull it off) saves him and head off to Britain where there’s a garrison of Roman soldiers stationed at Hadrian’s wall (which we all saw in King Arthur, starring Clive Owen as the leader of that very same Roman garrison also leaving to support a dying Rome). The kid carries the sword of Julius Caesar, which will turn out to be the legendary Excalibur. The problem with this is, Caesar is made to be to some great just leader and his bloodline incredibly noble, which, if you know any history (or seen Rome) is just bullshit. This was made for a less informed, more naïve audience. But you know what? I enjoyed it. I’m an Arthur geek and the cheap production had no effect on me. Unlike other B-movies (and this is one, don’t kid yourself), it’s chock full of good actors who sell their roles, rather than roll their eyes at a job they obviously took for the money. Maybe that’s another difference between America and Europe. If you’ve been trained in The Royal Theater Company, you simply don’t know how to do things half-assed. Sadly, it’s actually better written than King Arthur, which isn’t saying much or that’s it’s well written (it’s based on a book, which I’m sure helps keep a coherent plot). The scenes of flirting between Colin Firth and Aishwarya Rai, are painful and only the most committed actor could have gotten through them without giggling. But like I said, I’m an Arthur geek so I’m grateful for any competent telling of the legend after so many bad ones (yes, Mists of Avalon, First Knight; I’m looking at you). When the boy meets a girl in Britain and her name is Ygraine, I couldn’t help but smile. Like I said, Arthur geek.

THE BEAUTY OF NATURAL SELECTION
Scientists predict that there might not be any more natural redheads by the year 2100. Of course this is going to happen after I’m fucking dead. Oh, and 40 percent of all the world’s redheads are in Scotland. The irony of that is, my name, while Irish, originated in Scotland and there’s a nasty strain of red hair that runs through my family.

AND DEFINITELY NO ONE CAN SEE ME DRINK MALT LIQOUR!
So, it’s still sucking to be me. Even though I made it through my first week of work, I got light-headed the first day simply by telling the story of my brain bleed. Basically, I wasn’t used to being vertical for 8 hours a day. And I still have to take naps, not because they’re fun, but because I have to. But on the upside only 1 of the 11 pounds I lost has returned because I cannot turn down a Barq’s root beer if I see it and the people at work bought me a freaking box of cookie dough from Dave’s. Well, it would be rude not to eat it! But otherwise, I’m obviously not drinking liquor, not drinking soda for the most part and---sigh---not eating bacon. Yeah, I said it, no bacon. I even had a dream about eating bacon, so I’m questioning this road I’ve taken. To help I’ve started eating watermelon rather than the wonderful ice cream in my fridge. It also does the dual purpose of keeping me hydrated, as that was oddly stressed by one of my nurses who told me to “Keep your brain moist.” I have no idea what that means, but it freaked me. And thanks to Dave Chappelle I have this hang up about eating watermelon and fried chicken in front of white people. I fear that even the most enlightened person will think, “Oh, my god! It’s true! They all really do like it!” It’s like seeing your otherwise sober Irish friend get stinking drunk or your usually non-athletic Asian friend suddenly display a knowledge of martial arts, or your previously unfunny Jewish friend do a killer set of stand up. But the down side is the frequent bathroom trips. Not only do I walk like an old man, but I go to the bathroom a dozen times a night like one. Yes, it’s still sucking to be me.

AT LEAST IT’S NOT THE FUCKING BUZZCOCKS AGAIN
You know how you see those lists in music magazines about the “Best Albums of the Last 25 Years” and it’s a bunch of shit you’ve never heard of and only one or two of the album you actually own? Well on those lists is usually “Steve McQueen” by Prefab Sprout, which for legal reasons, was called “Two Wheels Good” in the states. It’s pure pop and was produced by Thomas Dolby and I love it like I love bacon. For the 20th anniversary of its release, it’s been remastered and released with a second disc with acoustic versions of all the songs and I couldn’t happier if the songs were about King Arthur. Like any really good pop, the infectious hooks belay darker lyrics about failed love and longing. Always remember, kids: happy people make crappy art. It’s the miserable bastards that shine. Movie Buddy’s husband is a fan and when I told her she sighed, “He got it two weeks ago and has been playing it all the time.” This filled my heart with joy because it means their daughter is hearing it and the next generation of Prefab is guaranteed.

BUT I HATE THAT NAME LIKE I HATE THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS
Californication is the new show on Showtime starring David Duchovny, about a frustrated writer working out his troubles by humping everything in sight, which is a very common fantasy character created by writers (he’s even got the fantasy car of the self-loather which is the older, slighty used Porsche). Onscreen, they can’t help but get laid by beautiful women, but in real life the few women who sleep with writers are anything but. I mean, he’s not even a screenwriter, but a guy who writes books. Hot chicks don’t read books, much less instantly drop panties at the sight of guys who write them. Believe it or not, as much as I’m sadly still attracted to this idea, it has begun to annoy me because it’s right up there with ugly, fat guy gets hot chick in terms of a clichéd writer’s conceit. This clouds my judgment of the show as much as all the fake boobs shown. (well, it is set in California, so I guess that is realistic). On the plus side, I’ve always liked Natasha McElhone, who never quite made it after her big break in the painfully overrated and now forgotten, The Truman Show, and neither Ronin nor Spy Game did anything for her. So far, the best part for me was his daughter who asked if the naked woman in his bed was sick because she had no pubic hair. YES! IT IS SICK FOR A GROWN WOMAN NOT TO HAVE ANY PUBIC HAIR! Wait. Where was I? The show. Oh, yeah. The fantasy doesn’t stop there, as he beats up a guy who answers his phone in a movie theater. A writer. Kicking ass? He might as well have used The Force it’s so unrealistic. It was more realistic when his self-loathing caused him to self-destruct on a blind date by insulting her. Now that I’ve done. And it’s a sad day that I’m more interesting in his self-loathing than I am the gratuitous sex and nudity.

ONCE UPON A TIME...

1. Rush Hour 3/New Line Wknd/$ 50.2 Total/$ 50.2
2. The Bourne Ultimatum/Universal Wknd/$ 33.7 Total/$ 132.3
3. The Simpsons Movie/Fox Wknd/$ 11.1 Total/$ 152.2
4. Stardust/Paramount Wknd/$ 9.0 Total/$ 9.0
5. Underdog/Touchstone Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 24.7
6. Hairspray/New Line Wknd/$ 6.4 Total/$ 92.1
7. I Now Pronounce You Chuck… Wknd/$ 6.0 Total/$ 103.8
8. Harry Potter & The Order of… Wknd/$ 5.4 Total/$ 272.0
9. No Reservations/Warner Wknd/$ 3.9 Total/$ 32.1
10.Daddy Day Camp/Sony Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 5.0

PLEASE GOD, LET IT END HERE
Opening at number one is Rush Hour 3 and if Flava Flav is the most embarrassing Black man alive right now, then Chris Tucker is running a close second, but only because he works less. This is his first movie since Rush Hour 2 and Rush Hour 2 was his first movie since Rush Hour. The man is a walking stereotype and to top it off, he’s got the most annoying voice of anyone not from Chicago or Boston (even Jackie Chan was annoyed with him at one point). Needless to say, I’ve never subjected myself to this shit in the theaters. I’ve seen in on video where I could fast forward through his scenes to see Jackie Chan do his stuff (and see the ass of Roselyn Sanchez in Rush Hour 2). My pattern did not change with this, but this time there’s a moral imperative: Roman Polanski is in this and while The Pianist was an exception, it’s normally my place not to contribute to child rapists. I hated Brett Ratner before this, but the decision to cast him in this film just cements it in place. Unlike say, Martin Scorsese or Adrian Brody, his talent does not redeem him.

IN ORDER IT’S, UM, 1, 2, 3. WELL, THAT WAS EASY
The Bourne Ultimatum is down to number two and while I did enjoy this, I have to say it was my least favorite of the three. The Bourne Supremacy was my favorite in terms of actions, having one of the best all time car chases, but suffered in terms of humanity by the death of Franka Potente in the first 15 minutes and this has little humanity at all (again, we remain grateful for no romantic subplot with Julia Stiles), as it’s just Jason Bourne: Angry Superagent and not much else. And no, not even my beloved Joan Allen can make up for what was lost. Also, we keep getting the same bad guys in every film and it would have been nice to have someone truly evil, not just doing bad things in terms of a greater good. Yes, evil in real life tends to be a result of these types of compromises, but on the big screen, I want it bigger and worse. And wearing a cape. With long mustache that it twirls while laughing maniacally.

IT BORDERS ON SUCKING AND BLOWING
The Simpsons Movie is down to number three and the more I think about this, the more my disappointment grows. It’s right up there with the X-Files movie at this point. Bare in mind, I can’t even remember the fucking X-Files movie, only my sheer disappointment with it. And now they’re making another? For whom exactly? Who the fuck still cares other than the accountants of David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson?

STARBUST
Opening at number four is Stardust and this is based on a novel by Neil Gaiman and if you know his name you’re probably either a geeky fanboy or a girl with tattoos who would date a geeky fanboy, because 90% of Gaiman’s audience is female and just a little left of the mainstream. Gaiman’s greatest claim to fame is his creation of The Sandman, which drew heavily upon fairy tales from every culture. This is more of the same and unlike most creators, he’s actually a producer on this, which is to his credit, but also means he warrants some of the blame. I have to say, I the sheer commitment to the fantastic made me smile. Also, it doesn’t hesitate to add a little cynical humor as the hero and the falling star (played by Claire Danes) spend their first few minutes bitching each other out. And there’s a running joke of the ghosts of dead brothers who have all killed each other in gruesome ways trapped together watching the events unfold. The problem is, it’s more than just a bit too long (140 minutes) and this is a problem when you’re checking your watch rather than listening to one character express their love and devotion to the other (who’s been turned into a mouse). Also there’s the casting. Now, when you think of the living embodiment of a star, does Claire Danes really come to mind? Wouldn’t you think of someone---oh, I don’t---beautiful!?! And to make matters worse, she has to share the screen with Michele Pfeiffer, who even at 52, is more stunning than Claire Danes will ever be. Not to mention, your somewhat bland yet good-looking male hero is also prettier than she is. This is a problem and one I had with a similar, better-made film about fairy tales: The Princess Bride (in his pretty-boy prime, Cary Elwes blew Robin Wright off the screen). Oh, and the cherry on top of this is that the hero is originally trying to retrieve the falling star to win the hand of Sienna Miller (who ain’t all that, but a damn sight better). Claire Danes over Sienna Miller. Yeah, I’m sure that happens all the time. Then again she did steal Billy Crudup from Mary Louise Parker, so maybe she’s got that infamous “magic coochie” you keep hearing about, but obviously cannot show onscreen. Also, Gaiman hand-picked director Matthew Vaughn, the director of Layer Cake, the guy who bones Claudia Schiffer and the man who walked away from X-Men 3, dooming us all to Brett Ratner. And Vaughn should have known this film needed some trimming. And that the worse thing you can do is to tell Robert DeNiro that he’s playing a comedic role, because he overdoes it and this is no exception, as he plays a gay, cross-dressing pirate type trying to protect his reputation as being ruthless (can you say “Dread Pirate Roberts”?). One day this will make a decent double feature with The Princess Bride on USA on a rainy Saturday afternoon.

A RITE OF PASSAGE EVERY THEATER GIRL MUST UNDERGO
Underdog is down to number five, followed by Hairspray at number six, which approaches the $100M mark and this can only be the result of young girls and their best guy friends on whom they have secret crushes. You know, those smart, funny guys in the theater club who love to sing all the songs afterwards. Um, girls, there’s something you probably should know… But in this day and age, does anyone really hide any more? Wait, there’s Zac Posen, the male star of this and High School Musical talking about his “girlfriend.” Forget I said anything.

WHOOPS. FORGOT ABOUT NOTHING BUT TROUBLE
I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry is down to number seven and just when you think Dan Ackroyd can’t sink any lower, he turns up here. But honestly, didn’t he really hit this mark years ago with Dr. Detroit?

THE ONE THING EDDIE CAN BE GRATEFUL FOR IN’07
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is down to number eight, followed by No Reservations at number nine and closing out the top ten at number ten is Daddy Day Camp. Now, I won’t lie: I enjoyed Daddy Day Care and if he and Jeff Garlin had returned for this, I would have seen it. But I am not going to contribute to the further whoring of Cuba Gooding Jr. I hope your kids appreciate all daddy has done for them, being one step away from Cinemax soft-core porn to put them through college. Honestly, when is he going to say to his agent, “Okay, enough is enough. Just get me on a decent TV show. That way the bills can get paid and I can only take low paying quality roles over the summer.” But this just looks freaking awful. At least the first had some laughs in the trailer (especially with that bit about the kid who goes potty) but the best this has to offer is some kid explaining his mullet (“Business up front; party in the back.”), which isn’t so much funny as sad, because some people actually believe that. And I grew up with them.

IT SUCKS TO BE ME PART 672
Okay, so things have progressed. Light-headedness is all but gone. Pain from the puncture wound in my thigh is almost negligible and I saw the neurosurgeon who told me I could return to work on Monday. But then he tells me I have to take the anti-seizure medication until it’s all gone, which is longer than the initial 21 days I was given, meaning I have to wait even longer until I can drink again! Yes, I know it’s simply “forbidden fruit.” I only want it because I can’t have it. But it’s good I’m going back to work. Aside from money, there’s the fact I was bored senseless. When you wish for time at home, make sure you a) include good health and b) good weather. Being infirm while it’s 90+ degrees and humid outside is not what you want. Also, if you think you’d be productive with the time, think again. You’re not going to write that novel or screenplay. Hell, you’re not even going to read that novel. What you’re going to do is develop a sad addiction to Lifetime TV (also know as “Man Are Rat Bastards” TV), where you find yourself wondering just what will happen in the movie where Lisa Rinna and Gail O’Grady play best friends not knowing that one is the mistress and one is the wife. But this is not to be confused with that one where Mary Tyler Moore and Christine Lahti are best friends but also wife and mistress to Ted Danson and he dies and the girlfriend is pregnant. And what’s worse, you’re looking forward to the next movie where Charisma Carpenter is a psycho. Then there’s your sad discovery and subsequent interest in female-bodybuilding-porn you discover while looking for photos Robert Mapplethorpe did of Lisa Lyon back in the 80’s. Yeah, I needed to be back at work. Wait a minute! I don’t like working! Sigh.

MORE LIKE THE CLEAN UP GUY
So, I continue to try and clean out my DVR of shows, but every time I turn around it’s recording another. This time it’s The Pick Up Artist…and it makes me think men and women all need to die. It’s natural selection that these fuckers die without ever having sex so their loser gene dies with them---or they spend their time developing superior computer technology. And who is this fucking “Mystery” guy? And his total toolbox apprentices, Matador and J-Dog (one of whom is so gay it hurts, so dude, that may have been your problem)? Sorry, but what self-esteemed challenged women fall for these guys? And oh, when you’re thin and over six feet fucking tall and not utterly hideous, everything with women is a little bit easier, so a makeover by almost anyone can get you laid. Then there’s the fact he’s picking up drunk college girls in Austin, Texas. Let’s see him run this bullshit in New York or LA, where’s not even remotely interesting looking. I had to fast-forward through most of this because it was so painful, mainly because it showed the public humiliation men will go through if they think pussy is at the end of it. I’m waiting for the first post-show suicide. It’s going to be one of the fat ones.

NOT WORTH LIVING
Okay so the 11 pounds has stayed off for the past two weeks, and I’m coming to a sad, sad realization as to why. Especially given by the time I left I was not only eating the three meals a day they were serving me, I was also having food brought from the outside. And then there was all the chocolate brought to me. So what did I not have for two weeks? Bacon, soda and liquor. Just go ahead and kill me now. Seriously, what kind of life can a man lead if he can’t have a bacon cheeseburger, wash it down with root beer then go out drinking? Exactly. No life at all.

COLOR ME SUCKING
Okay, Man Band. I get using the second stringers from boy bands, but Color Me Badd was not a boy band! Not to mention it was twenty years ago and boy bands ruled the late 90’s! There should be a Backstreet Boy in here somewhere. I just…can’t. It’s just too sad. I can’t even watch. I have to draw a line somewhere and this is it. When is Scott Baio on?

FLASH! BAH!
So the latest incarnation of Flash Gordon turned up on The Sci-Fi Channel and I pity the lead actor who was last seen as the doomed Whitley on Smallville. Just when he thought scripts couldn’t get any worse. I mean, this is bad. How bad? It makes that cheesy movie look like Star Wars. Seriously, that bad. But at least they have the chance to improve on it from week to week. Yeah, hold your breath for that to happen. The best thing I can say about it is that they wisely coughed up the money to use the theme song from Queen---which was also the best thing about the movie version. Well that and Ornella Muti as Princess Aura. Of course, I’ll be watching this every week until they cancel it.

A SMALL BREAK IN THE PAIN OF A FAN
Another thing I had to catch up on was my music listening, more specifically the new Prince CD I had my sister buy for me while I was still flat on my back. He’s making the same mistake he’s been making for over a decade now: releasing an album pretty much every year with one or two good songs when he should be releasing an album every two or three years for five or six good songs. And, as always, he sucks when he starts singling about the state of the world. Even at his peak this crap was barely tolerable (can you say “Sign of the Times”). Your only break is that he seems to have stopped complaining about other people’s music. But the best song is obviously “Guitar.” And if the opening makes you think of “Sweet Child of Mine” you’re not alone.

BETWEEN THE SCOOBY GANG AND BUFFY, THEY ALONE PROTECTED US
The Monster Squad arrived on DVD in a special 20th anniversary edition and salary reduction be damned, I had to have it. I’ve loved this movie since I was a kid and I love it still. It’s a classic amongst geeks and there was even a reunion of the cast at this year’s San Diego ComicCon to celebrate the DVD’s release. But it’s funny how much it would have to be changed if they remade it today. In the first 15 minutes you have half dozen homophobic jokes and one flat out use of the word “fag.” And this is before we have someone underage smoking a cigarette. Not to mention they’re all white, which would also have to go. As would the repeated fat jokes about Horace (the actor playing him sadly died in 1992 of pneumonia and I think we know what that means). Yes, Virginia, the world has changed.

HE WON’T BE RIGHT BACK
Finally death continues with talk shows taking Merv Griffen. I actually remember the Merv Griffen show on in the afternoons. But what I remember more is Rick Moranis doing his impression of Merv on Second City. What most people don’t know is Merv created Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune, so he had all kinds of dollars. And this is before he got into real estate. Which is why that sexual harassment suit against him filed by a guy quietly disappeared.

The Bourne Smoothie

1. The Bourne Ultimatum/Universal Wknd/$ 70.2 Total/$ 70.2
2. The Simpsons Movie/Fox Wknd/$ 25.6 Total/$ 128.6
3. Underdog/Touchstone Wknd/$ 12.0 Total/$ 12.0
4. I Now Pronounce You Chuck… Wknd/$ 10.5 Total/$ 91.7
5. Hairspray/New Line Wknd/$ 9.3 Total/$ 79.0
6. Harry Potter & The Order of… Wknd/$ 9.3 Total/$ 260.8
7. No Reservations/Warner Wknd/$ 6.6 Total/$ 24.2
8. Transformers/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.9 Total/$ 296.3
9. Hot Rod/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.0 Total/$ 5.0
10.BRATZ/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 4.3

What Next? The Bourne Chicken Wrap?
The Bourne Ultimatum opens big at number one and if you liked the first two, then there’s more of the same here. Bourne being tracked by the CIA? Yep. Bourne kicking the crap out of another agent using household utensils? Yep. A nice car chase? Yep. And this time they somehow managed to film a car chase in New York! Not as nice as the one in Moscow, but impressive just for existing. If you liked the new James Bond then you have the Bourne movies to thank, as they set a new standard for secret agent movies. But at the same time, this is about as plausible as a Bond film, especially Bourne’s ability to take a licking and keep on ticking. More than once this man’s spine should have just been turned to mush (like when he drives a car off a rooftop), but he keeps going. Also, there are a few too many repeat moments from the first two films. Then there’s the matter of Bourne’s continued success. Though all the other agents are dead---two by Bourne himself---the simple fact he can do all that he’s done should flat out validate the program that created him. He’s pretty much Captain America (a super solider created by the government for World War II) and in the comics, because Cap has been so successful, they never stop trying to recreate him. Doesn’t matter how many fail, because one success is obviously nothing short of spectacular. There’s also a nice twist incorporating the end of the last film into this one. If you remember it was set in NYC and had Matt Damon calling Joan Allen. That scene actually takes place in the last half hour of this film and it’s nice the way they do it. Another continuation from the first two films is the top notch supporting cast. This time around Scott Glenn, David Strathairn and freaking Albert Finney show up. And Julia Stiles returns as what has to be the youngest CIA agent on record. They allude to some sort of past between them, but apparently wiser heads prevailed and it’s never delved into---though they do have yet another mirrored scene where she cuts her hair and dyes it black like Franke Potente. I’m glad they didn’t have it happen because I can think of a million things I’d rather see than Matt Damon hooking up with Julia Stiles. Paul Greengrass continues to balance out art with mainstream work, but he’s got to give the handheld shit a break. It didn’t bother me in the second film and adds a sense of urgency, but this time it was a bit too much and sometimes made it difficult to understand what was going on. But now that they’re done, I can finally pick up the Bourne trilogy on DVD probably this Christmas. I never bothered to pick up the first two because I knew they’d screw me with every sequel by adding more crap to the DVD. I’m not your DVD bitch anymore!

AND NO PHIL HARTMAN STILL MAKES ME SAD AFTER ALL THESE YEARS
The Simpsons Movie is down to number two and I was supposed to see this with The Lunatic as my treat for getting out of the hospital. Well, she couldn’t find the time and I couldn’t wait any longer (if I had problems making plans before, imagine how I feel about it now). I think I saved her some time because this is disappointing. For those you expecting a return to the glory days of seasons 4-9, let it go. This is more like the crap they’ve been serving up for the last five years. I understand new ideas are hard after nearly 20 years, but this is the best you could do? We have Bart sick of Homer as bad father, which was done better when he sued for emancipation. We have Marge also sick of Homer and leaving, which was done better when she left to work with seals---and that still kinda sucked! Also, given you’ve got an entire movie, why were there only two plotlines anyway? There should have been one for every family member. Then there’s the lack of use of the supporting cast. Once again, you’ve got all the time in the world and couple dozen characters to play with. Use ‘em! Let me put it this way: Patty & Selma don’t make a single appearance. Finally, The Simpsons have become somewhat notable in their use of celebrity guest stars. Know how many show up here? Three. And since Joe Mantenga is one the show regularly as Fat Tony and you really can’t call Albert Brooks a star, that leaves one, when there should have been at least a dozen. What’s the point in having Arnold Schwarzenegger as the president if it’s not really him doing the voice (no, Rainer Wolfcastle doesn’t show up either)? Basically, the best joke in the movie is when he’s singing the “Spider-pig” song and that’s just sad for a show that used to be the flat-out funniest thing on television.

THERE’S EVERY REASON TO FEAR, MORON FILMMAKERS ARE HERE
Underdog opens at number three and this is just a travesty. Why in the fucking world would you do a live-action adaptation of this show? Where was the outcry for this? Whoever came up with this idea should never work in Hollywood again and neither should the dumbass executive who approved it. It’s one thing to do live action versions of George of The Jungle and Dudley Do Right. Those were people! This is a fucking dog in a universe of funny animals. What next? An adaptation of Super Chicken using a real chicken? Mr. Peabody using a real fucking dog? Atom Ant using a real ant? Ooh, and maybe a Mickey Mouse movie with a real fucking mouse! Did they not get this was a fucking Superman parody, complete with a nosy reporter with an alliterated name!?! And what about kindly and lovable Shoeshine Boy!?! I’m supposed to be keeping my blood pressure down, but this kind of stupid shit just sets me off. Where’s my damn anti-seizure medication?

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU UNPROFITABLE
I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry is down to number four and in case you were worried this crap-fest was a success, know that it cost $85M to make and has so far only made around $92M. This rate it’s only likely to break even and barely that.

DON’T HATE THEM BECAUSE THEY’RE BEAUTIFUL
Hairspray is down to number five and making smart moves by being part of a an ensemble is X-Men and Superman pretty boy James Marsden. For a generic pretty boy, he’s choosing his roles wisely and staying in a variety of popular movies, from The Notebook to this. Providing an example for him as a pretty face survivor is Michelle Pfieffer(there but for the grace of god she could have been Morgan Fairchild), and here she is continuing the “lioness in winter” portion of her life accepting that she doesn’t need to be in the title role and surrounding herself with the young people. And just to make you women giddy with anticipation, her next role is as the older woman to younger male love interest. That younger man? Paul Rudd. Hang in there. It’s only three more months until November.

A MCDONALD’S COMMERCIAL LOVES FOOD MORE
Harry Potter is down to number six, followed by No Reservations at number seven and this was huge disappointment to me and one of the reasons mainstream American films are so roundly criticized. This is a remake of the German film, Mostly Martha. The plot is pretty generic mainstream in that of the totally solitary adult suddenly getting a child. In this case, her niece when her sister is killed in a car accident. Of course the child then begins to melt the heart of the standoffish adult. This isn’t rocket science and even Mostly Martha wasn’t exactly multi-layered, but if there was a way to make this even more generic, they found it. First, with the casting of Aaron Eckhart, whom I normally like, but why on earth would you hire one of the Waspyish actors alive to play the role of an Italian chef? In the German original, he was flat out Italian. Instead, we get this totally convoluted explanation as to why uber-wasp is an Italian chef. And even though he learned his craft in Italy, we strangely hear not a single world of Italian from him. Also, I remember more of a bond between Martha and the restaurant owner, which is gone here and the wonderful Patrician Clarkson is pretty much wasted. Finally, the original had a bittersweet ending, but this one gets so sweet it might give you a cavity and there’s simply no need for it. One thing that is welcome is that the girl doesn’t “instantly” get over her mother’s death. I hate that in so-called family films. If you lose a parent as a child you’re going to be affected by it for the rest of your life, much less the first month. Hell, Rick Springfield is in his 50’s but when talks about his dad’s death back in the 80’s, he starts crying like it was yesterday. But the biggest problem with this movie is the lack of food porn. How can you have a movie about a master chef and not show their work!?! I should have left this movie starving. In fact, Movie Buddy (no year needed, as she is the only one) brought empanadas in anticipation of this. Sadly, though they were good, they were unnecessary. This will not join the “movies about food” collection. Hell, it won’t join any collection unless you’re collecting movies where Aaron Eckhart plays a guy named “Nick” (this is number four if you’re counting).

CHARACTER ACTORS (I.E., UGLY ACTORS) PAY RENT TOO
Transformers is down to number eight and what the hell John Tuturro is doing in this film I’ll never know. I can only guess he’s got kids he needs to make a movie for or a car payment that indie films can’t cover or simply wanted the chance to meet Spielberg. God knows an indie boy like him could give two shits about someone as untalented as Michael Bay.

NOT EVEN WORTHY OF A WITTY TITLE
Hot Rod opens at number nine and I cannot stand Andy Samberg. Yes, he’s responsible for “Dick in Box” but otherwise I could go the rest of my life without ever seeing his face. Isn’t it enough he can pretty much bone every Jewish girl between 18 and 34 on the island of Manhattan? Did he really need this dumbass movie about him as a low rent daredevil? It’s simply stupid, but Paramount apparently has a deal where they have to give every SNL cast member at least one movie. I mean, how else can you explain Ladies Man?

STRAIGHT UP I’M TELLING YOU…GET SOME SLEEP
Finally, Bratz opens at number ten and this movie is most notable for causing yet another Paula Abdul breakdown (she was the choreographer) and I’m going to be a voice in the wilderness to say, I don’t think she’s a drunk. From what I know, she’s pretty much suffering from actual exhaustion, which thanks to people like Lindsay Lohan, no one takes seriously, but the symptoms of not getting enough rest is that you’re seriously impaired like you are fucked up. The only difference is, when you’re fucked up you usually get some sleep, even when it’s simply you passing out (bringing us back to Lindsay Lohan). When you’re exhausted and won’t slow down…you wind up looking like Paula Abdul. And basically, this is more interesting than a movie based on a line of dolls that parents hate because they look like sluts. And this actually gives us two movies based on toys, the first being Transformers…and Jon Voight is in both of them. I don’t have the words to explain how sad that is. Is his goal to be in so many movies Angelina can’t avoid seeing him? And Jon, if you want to see your daughter again and her grandchildren ever, STOP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT THEM!

LOVING PAIN MORE THAN BLACKS AND JEWS PUT TOGETHER
Not breaking the top ten but the summer’s surprise sleeper is Once, the story of music and love in Ireland starring the guitar player from The Commitments, Glen Hansard (who stepped in when Cillian Murphy stepped out). Remember? He and the bass player ask Jimmy to be their manager? Well, it’s 18 years later, he’s cut his hair and looks a bit like David Morse. He plays an Irish troubadour (which is really redundant; you should only designate troubadours who aren’t Irish) who meets an immigrant girl who sells flowers in the street where he performs. She’s taken by one of his original songs and their friendship is borne (The Bourne Friendship?). Both are coming off then end of relationships and she joins him in expressing their feelings through songs (in real life, she’s Czech pianist). A lot of songs. All about love and not one what you’d call “happy.” After this I’m beginning to think the Irish drink because of their music, because god knows I needed one after this movie. If you like Damien Rice you’ll like it. In fact, he’s not only thanked in the credits, but Hansard’s band used to tour with him and their duets sound very much like the songs Damien Rice does with Lisa Hannigan. Because they agree to be friends from the outset, the film is mostly about the unspoken longing that develops between the two, so if you’re looking for “boy-meets-girl, boy-gets-girl” type of movie, look elsewhere. But this it not to say it doesn’t have a happy ending. It does and it’s proof you don’t have to be fucking saccharine to have it (yes, No Reservations, I’m looking at you). But I didn’t buy the soundtrack. Sorry, but it’s just too sad for me and not nearly as beautiful as the work Damien Rice does to make up for it. In fact, it makes me want to give his last album “9” another try.

WE LOVE SLUTTY GIRLS AND HONESTLY, WHO DOESN’T?
So, I’m catching up on my TV watching after being laid up for two weeks and I cannot tell you how happy I am to see Rock of Love. I couldn’t watch Flavor of Love because Flava Flav is simply…disgusting. Sorry, I just couldn’t buy into any show where women wanted to be with him. And they weren’t much better, which made perfect sense. This is a little better, because at least Brett Michaels was the lead singer of a band and has kept himself in shape over the years. Even the rock skanks who want him are better than the skanks who wanted Flava Flav---though apparently they are no more intelligent. I mean, was anyone surprised that not only did the show have two girls named Brandi, but both have done porn? Or that at least one the other girls was a stripper (and the rest are lying because on the first episode they get drunk and hit that pole like professionals). My favorite has to be the totally unstable Rodeo, who not only thought this was destined to be true love and cried any chance she got over it---until he sent her ass home last night. There was one Black girl on the show, which is one Black girl more than I’d thought there’d be and she was proof stupidity knows no color. She looked like Wesley Snipes in drag and Wesley is ugly as a man, so imagine that as a woman. And she turned out to be a total bitch when she was eliminated. Lacey is also totally out of her mind, so it’s good she stayed. But what I don’t get is why so many of them are so young? What girl in her 20’s wants to fuck Brett Michaels? Now, Rodeo I got, seeing as she was probably his age (and a man), but the others? Wouldn’t this make more sense with someone who was big in the 90’s? Then it would make more sense with some 20-something girl trying to get someone she was hot for as a teenager. You know, like the lead singer of The Goo Goo Dolls or something. At least that guy probably still has all his own hair and doesn’t have to wear bandannas constantly to hide a receding hairline. The girl with the pink-haired Gwen Stefani look is probably the prettiest, but she also seems to have a tiny bit of a brain, so she ain’t gonna make it. It’ll probably be one of plastic breasted blondes. They’re all the same to me, so I don’t know names.

JOANIE LOVES CHACHI, BUT EVERYONE ELSE HATES HIM
But even better than Rock of Love is Scott Baio is 45 and Single. This rules because it feels real. Yes, it’s totally staged like most reality shows, but Scott Baio is actually giving out real emotions. How do you know they’re real? Because they are ugly. He resents his life coach. He views marriage as trap, even his parents’ marriage. He thinks marrying means being told what to do and he hates that. He hates his fans. He hated the Happy Days Reunion. But none of this could compare to the anger coming off the women, starting with Julie McCullough (former Playmate who Kirk Cameron had her kicked off Growing Pains when he went super Christian and found out). Though she obviously had to agree to this with the show’s producers, the resentment coming off her was so pure I’m surprised he didn’t melt from her glare. If she were that good an actress, she’d be more successful. And even his apology really didn’t really do much for her. Likewise, Sheila Kennedy (Penthouse Pet) was nothing less than brutal telling him flat out he will never get married and he shouldn’t have kids—but if you’d been dumped for Pamela Anderson, you’d have an axe to grind to. But the best part has to be his scumbag little friend, Johnny C. This guy has been Scott Baio’s best friend since he was 14, has pretty much gotten laid because of it for 31 years and he knows if Baio does settle down, he will never see pussy again without money changing hands. He has no conscience. He has no shame. And he will probably get a spin-off show once this is all over. The only flaw of this show is that they obviously cannot get Baio’s A-list conquests: Heather Locklear, Denise Richards and Pamela Anderson. But you know Baio is a true playa because before this, you never, ever heard him talk about it. It was the women who talked about him. He never said a word. That’s the mark of a true playa. Silence from him and hatred from the women.

HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN---IF MICHAEL LANDON DRANK WHISKEY AND GOT LAID
I loves me some Holly Hunter, so I was looking forward to her show, Highway To Heaven, on TNT after The Closer---which is ironic, considering Kyra Sedgwick is essentially doing an impression of Holly Hunter. It did not disappoint, as it opens with her in a pretty graphic sex scene for basic cable. Hell, that’s what I’m paying for. Holly Hunter plays what is usually the male role of a hard living cop (drinking, smoking, sleeping around) who takes it too far one night and runs someone over while driving drunk. This is when a redneck angel appears to give her a chance to change her life. He actually leaves physical evidence of his appearance, which serves to convince her that it actually happened. I personally don’t need the angel to be real. It would have been a much darker and interesting show had she actually killed someone, covered it up and that was the motivation for the change in her life. As it is, she really didn’t kill anyone. The man she thought she killed turned out to be some guy on death row who had the same angel and a chance to turn his life around. He obviously blew it. Also on the show is another actress I liked, Laura San Giacomo who never was able to turn the heat from sex, lies & videotape into a big screen career, but managed on the small screen with Just Shoot Me, which I liked for the first few seasons. She plays Holly Hunter’s best pal and medical examiner. Hopefully with The Closer as a lead in, this will be able to survive, because I can think of worse things than potentially seeing Holly Hunter having sex every week. She is going to have sex every week, right?

BY MY BODY, BETRAYED!
Well, it continues to suck to be me. I’m up and around but at a very, very slow pace (the 90 degree weather didn’t help). Because of the puncture in my groin due to the angiogram, I can’t take a regular sized stride, so I take small steps very slowly. I went to buy guitar strings and it’s normally at 20-minute walk there and back. Now it’s 40 minutes and I needed to nap afterwards. A trip to my bank (because I refuse to use an ATM machine and pay it and my bank to get my freaking money) was flat out an hour of my life. Again, a nap was due. The elderly are passing me on the streets (which is rude considering I’m now one of them). Also, the light-headedness when I’m standing remains, which blows. As does medication every four freaking hours, but that’s now over after 7 days. Now it’s just the anti-seizure meds twice a day. I finally got my sister to go home, but my roommate continues to watch my every move. I’m seriously beginning to think she’s reporting in to my parents. I know my sisters are, as they text me every day to see what I’m doing. Don’t think I don’t appreciate the love and concern. I do. But the doctors said the first 21 days were the most important. Those 21 days are over so let’s all relax a little bit. I’m obviously fine with TV and the computer (though I’ve reduced the resolution so everything is now big) and if the handheld cameras in The Bourne Ultimatum didn’t hurt me then nothing will. Worry about the war in Iraq. Worry about global warming, but don’t worry about some geek who currently spends his days watching TV and eating cereal. Unfortunately, I remain afraid of my iPod. I still have my old one, but I won’t use it. I guess because it’s going directly into my brain that it scares me still. I’m trying to schedule an appointment to see my neurosurgeon (two words you never want to put together, right behind “my cardiologist”) so I can get a timetable as to when I can 1) return to work, 2) start working out again (these man boobs were not part of the 11 pound weight loss, but my oddly freaking biceps were?) and 3) WHEN CAN I STOP THIS MEDICATION SO I CAN DRINK AGAIN!?! Obviously we don’t want to fuck with the effectiveness of the anti-seizure medication, but it was blazing hot and here I am unable to partake of frozen margaritas. Could life be more cruel? I mean, other than that “could have died” thing.

DEATH MISSED ME SO IT TOOK OTHERS
So it was a week of dying. Ingmar Bergman, whom many thought was already dead, actually kicked the bucket last week and I’m sure Woody Allen hasn’t stopped crying. Joining him was another great European director, Michelangelo Antonioni, who directed the classic film, Blow Up. He also directed The Passenger with Jack Nicholson, which is why Nicholson walked him out on the Academy Awards a few years ago so he could get condolence prize Oscar. Also, coach Bill Walsh kicked the bucket. But the one that affected me personally was Tom Snyder’s passing. When I began my nightowl days, he was still hosting the Tomorrow Show and I watched it all the time. I respected him even more when, after Johnny Carson decided he was only doing an hour and put David Letterman at 12:30, so Snyder’s show wouldn’t be started until 1:30, he decided to walk over the lack of respect he was getting. Unfortunately pride goeth before the fall and he pretty much disappeared off the radar after that. Integrity has a high price, kids, which is why so many people choose not to buy.