LOVE AT FIRST BLOOD

1. A Christmas Carol/Disney Wknd/$ 31.0 Total/$ 31.0

2. Michael Jackson’s This Is It Wknd/$ 14.0 Total/$ 57.9

3. The Men Who Stare at Goats/ Wknd/$ 13.3 Total/$ 13.3

4. The Fourth Kind/Universal Wknd/$ 12.5 Total/$ 12.5

5. Paranormal Activity/Paramount Wknd/$ 8.6 Total/$ 97.4

6. The Box/Warner Bros. Wknd/$ 7.9 Total/$ 7.9

7. Couples Retreat/Universal Wknd/$ 6.4 Total/$ 96.0

8. Law Abiding Citizen/Over Wknd/$ 6.2 Total/$ 51.4

9. Where the Wild Things Are/Warner Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 69.3

10. Astro Boy/Summit Wknd/$ 2.6 Total/$ 15.1

“YOU, BOY. WHAT DAY IS IT?” “CHRISTMAS DAY, 2568, SIR!”

A Christmas Carol opens at number one and Robert Zemeckis is going to keep making these ugly CGI animated features until we stop going to see them. Yes, I said we, because I got sucked into Beowulf, which sucked so badly it actually stopped for ten minutes to do a bunch of Austin Powers like dick-based sight gags. Why he’s obsessed with trying to duplicate people is a mystery known only to him. You don’t see Pixar doing it. In fact, without IMAX, this would have died with The Polar Express whose children with big soulless unblinking eyes probably caused dozens of nightmares amongst the kids who saw it. I know they bothered the hell out of me and I only saw the trailers. But at least that was new. I mean, A Christmas Carol!?! Again!?! Couldn’t you at least do something new with it. Set in space or Japan or something. Hell, Mr. Magoo would do. Anything but turn of the century England again. And who the hell thinks Jim Carrey’s voice will somehow elevate this? I mean who was thinking, “You know I had no interest in seeing that one millionth version of A Christmas Carol, but then I heard Jim Carrey was doing voices and that just changed everything.”

IT’S ONLY ACCEPTABLE TO BE HEAVY AND FEMALE IN MUSIC IF YOU CAN SING

Michael Jackson’s This Is It is down to number two and there’s something about a chick that can wail on guitar especially if she’s easy on the eyes and even Michael Jackson recognized this in Orianthi, who is his guitarist here and was going to be mouthpiece of his shows. She gained notoriety outside guitar circles when pretty much stole the spotlight from Carrie Underwood during her appearance on the Grammy’s earlier this year. She’s also been praised by none less than Steve Vai and Carlos Santana, who said he could pass the baton to her (and she’s not even using her pinky finger yet). And yes, we’re kidding ourselves to think her being thin, blonde and pretty has nothing to do with it. Somewhere there’s a young, heavyset brunette who’s being ignored as she wails away. Unfortunately like so many guitar virtuosos she’s kinda dull in the lead slot (see, Stevens, Steve). She needs to accept her job is to make something good better, because lots of non-stop trilling in dull songs is appealing only to a small group of males between the ages of 16 and 35, usually wearing a black t-shirt with their favorite metal band on it. Steve Vai pays his rent with their support.

THE MOVIE WHICH ISN’T AS FUNNY AS ITS TITLE

The Men Who Stare At Goats opens at number three and unfortunately, this isn’t as funny as you want it to be. It’s “humorous” to be sure, but never shifts into the level of over-the-top absurdity it needs to truly be funny. As a documentary this would have been hysterical, but as a narrative, not so much. It would have done better to just abandon reality altogether and use what happened as a jumping off point, not as a plotline to actually be followed. Clearly, no soldiers had psychic powers, but what if one truly had? That would have opened the story up for the crazy adventures it needed to have to make this work, because the metatextual joke of George Clooney telling Ewan McGregor the way to be a “jedi warrior” isn’t really enough to float it, even for a sparse 90 minutes.

THE FIFTH KIND: CASUAL DATING

The Fourth Kind opens at number four and speaking of overused ideas, the “based on a true story of alien abduction” is another one that seems to come out all the time and honestly, I was over gray aliens with big eyes and skinny necks back in the 80’s. I mean basically, this is people traumatized by being abducted. Yeah, so? If aliens aren’t planning something nefarious and are just conducting weird experiments on people in Alaska, then who the hell cares? It’s basically just a movie about posttraumatic stress.

AND FROM NOW ON ALL HOLOCAUST MOVIES MUST REFERENCE SCHINDLER’S LIST IN THE TITLE

Ironically, Paranormal Activity---down to number five---got a boost from none other than Steven Spielberg, who is the reason The Fourth Kind is called “the fourth” though actually, Close Encounters of the Third Kind is about the return of people who have been abducted.

CLEARLY THEY ARE UNFAMILIAR WITH WHAT MAKES UP THE SOUL OF WIT

The Box opens at number six and this is pretty much a Twilight Zone or Night Gallery episode given the big screen treatment and therein lies the problem. It’s just not a two-hour concept (it’s based on a short story by Richard Matheson) no matter how interesting: press the button and get a million dollars---but someone, somewhere will die. Now, of course this will end badly for you because you dared put your financial gain before a human life, so now this innocent person’s death is going to cost you down the road. It’s a simple morality play with an ironic twist and I don’t care if it came from the director of Donnie Darkko, there’s just not two hours of story there, which makes me think there’s a whole lot of overly-complicated nothing going, probably explaining where “the box” comes from which defeats the point. You don’t explain the monkey’s paw either. That’s not what the story is about.

ALL WE’RE MISSING ARE VINCENT GALLO, PARKER POSEY AND ERIC STOLZ

Couple’s Retreat is down to number seven, followed by Law Abiding Citizen at number eight and Where the Wild Things Are at number nine and this fairy tale of misery grows increasingly more unpleasant in my memory. Also here doing voices are Catherine O’Hara, Forest Whitaker, Chris Cooper and Lauren Ambrose and this isn’t your typical kids film so they clearly aren’t here for money, so much as hipster cred. And Catherine Keener clearly owes Spike Jonze for her Oscar nod for Being John Malkovich, which is why she’s here playing the mom.

THE MERCIFUL END

Finally, Astro Boy closes out the top ten at number ten.

NOW THAT DAMN “PALLISADES PARK” SONG IS STUCK IN MY HEAD

So apparently I’m getting wussier as I get older, because while crossing the George Washington Bridge unnerved me the only time I’ve ever done it, when I did it, it scared the shit out of me. When I stopped to take pictures my hands were literally shaking and I don’t remember that happening the first time. I couldn’t even bring myself to look over at the view as I rode either. I just kept my head down and focused on getting to the other side, trying not freak every time a biker came from the opposing direction, none of whom seem to share my overwhelming fear of plummeting to one’s death in the Hudson and a having their parents find a frighteningly large amount of porn in their apartments. Once over, I went through Fort Lee Park like I’d done before, but this time all of it and it’s just as exciting as you can imagine. Some poor girl was with her parents and apparently had to do a report on it, because as she went from exhibit to the other, she was taking notes. I think she found it as about as interesting as I did. After leaving Fort Lee, I was just going to follow the path that’s supposed to be down the Jersey side of the river and thought I was doing so when I followed another biker going down the road, but where we were really heading was Palisades Park, which was fine because I’d always meant to go there. If you’ve never been the entrance is a long, winding downhill road, which is a lot of fun for obvious reasons, not to mention gorgeous with the fall foliage now in full effect. However, once you reach the bottom and hit the river you’re then faced with a very long climb back up which takes twice a long. Not to mention I went in one side and came out the other that left me a few miles beyond the GWB on Palisades Avenue. So not only did I have to cross that fucker again, this time on the side facing the river (from the city is traffic side, to the city is water side) but now I was dead tired and with night falling. Of course I’m probably going to go back next week because there’s a lot more biking to be done there. And that damn bridge will not beat me---though I may walk my bike across from now on.

“TOO MANY DICKS ON THE DANCE FLOOR” THANKFULLY PUSHED “PALLISADES PARK” OUT OF MY HEAD

Continuing my downward spiral in my old age was my venture to a party in Brooklyn on a Saturday night, two things that were once unheard of for me. It was for the re-housewarming party of one of my Jezebels who had a pre-renovation party back in the summer. Last time it was oddly held on a Sunday night resulting in a modest attendance. This time, however, a normal party night resulted in a much larger crowd, including as we learned later, the guy who dumped her by text, clearly eager to atone for his mistake. I was late as usual, but who the hell arrives at a party before 9:00 considering it starts at 7:00? Who the hell starts a party at 7:00 on a Saturday night for that matter!?! Between this and that texting while dancing thing I saw, I’m beginning to think you kids just don’t know how to get down anymore. What hurt me the most about this was that a great deal of the cheese had been eaten before I got there. However, there was still a lot of the great chicken she’d bought and before the icebox cake came out, so it wasn’t that late. There were also a few of the other Jezebels there, though technically they have their own website where they call themselves Harpies. Yes, it’s all about irony and “owning” the insult. One of them is not only from Georgia like myself, but also from the adjoining suburb of College Park. As we continued to talk things got oddly southern when she said she called one of her relatives “Miss Bernice” which is how my grandmother was referred to. This was to the delight of a few other party guests who strangely found people from Georgia fascinating, so to have two in one space just captivated them. Strangest part of all? They were from fucking Virginia. Now after my recent drinking experience that left me a little worse for wear, I really haven’t been drinking much. In fact, until that night it didn’t dawn on me that I hadn’t had anything to drink in about two weeks. But judging by the quick effect the prosecco had on me (and the headache the following day) that’s a muscle that didn’t appreciate the neglect. As before I closed the party out around 2:00 am, with a little geek Jezebel at my side, though not my kind of geek as she’s obsessed with Lord of the Rings. Still, she won special points with me because she was born and raised in Manhattan (her father a professor at Columbia who married one of his students and while they’re divorced, to this day she still resents getting an A- in his class) and that was the first time she’d ever ridden on the Q train in her life. That’s right. Some trains are strictly the province of “you people” not us Manhattanites. But one dark taint I do have from the party was that I was made to watch various videos from Flight of the Concords, a show whose cult I’ve successfully avoided like others such as Lost, Mad Men, True Blood and The Sopranos. Unfortunately, that shit was damn funny so I may have to drink the kool aid now.

LOVE AT FIRST BLOOD

I won’t lie: I’m in love with that soccer player who was beating the shit out of the other girls on the field. I’d put a ring on that.

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WHERE THE DYSFUNCTIONAL THINGS ARE

1. Michael Jackson’s This Is It Wknd/$ 21.3 Total/$ 32.5

2. Paranormal Activity/Paramount Wknd/$ 16.5 Total/$ 84.8

3. Law Abiding Citizen/Over Wknd/$ 7.3 Total/$ 51.4

4. Couples Retreat/Universal Wknd/$ 6.1 Total/$ 86.7

5. Saw VI/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 22.8

6. Where the Wild Things Are/Warner Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 22.8

8. Astro Boy/Summit Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 10.9

9. Amelia/Fox Searchlight Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 8.3

7. The Stepfather/SG Wknd/$ 3.4 Total/$ 24.7

10. The Vampire’s Assistant/Universal Wknd/$ 2.6 Total/$ 71.2

I GUESS “LAST GRASP AT RELEVANCY” WAS A LITTLE TOO ACCURATE

Michael Jackson’s This Is It opens at number one and I think it says it all that the first thing that comes to mind is the Kenny Loggins’ song. They couldn’t think of a better title more pertaining to his work? What could be better than “Michael Jackson’s Don’t Stop ‘Till You Get Enough”? My personal feelings about the man aside, I won’t deny his skill as a performer so there is some curiosity to see this…when it airs on MTV in a few months. Or should I say, VH1?

DEMON OR CPA? WHICH IS WORSE?

Down to number two is Paranormal Activity which is now the most profitable movie ever made, meaning in terms of dollars spent to dollars earned, it’s made more money than anything else, theatrically speaking. It cost under a million dollars and has made $87M so far, whereas Titanic cost $200M and would have to have grossed $17.4 BILLION DOLLARS to be the equivalent. It made 1.8. Now, let’s see how much of this money actually gets back to the filmmakers. They only think they know what horror is. Wait until they meet Hollywood accounting.

AND THEN THEY FELL IN LOVE

Law Abiding Citizen actually rises to number three due clearly to the lack of anything else even resembling testosterone in the top ten. What the hell else are two guys without dates supposed to see? “Yo, dude. What about that movie with that dude from 300?” “Yeah, bro! I loved 300!” And that’s how that happened.

OKAY, MAYBE DENNIS QUAID IN JAWS 3-D

Couples Retreat actually rises to number four while Saw VI actually falls to number five on Halloween weekend no less. Who saw that coming? Clearly not the struggling young actors who saw getting cast in this genre franchise as quick career boost. Sorry to break it to you kids, but it wouldn’t have worked. Either way you’re going to go down in infamy alongside those nameless bodies of previous franchises like Friday The 13^th, Nightmare on Elm Street and Halloween. Now that I think of it, did anyone ever come out of a horror franchise sequel? Sure, James Cameron came out of Piranha 2, but that was hardly a franchise and Johnny Depp was in the first Nightmare on Elm Street. This has also got to be a disappointment for the falling stars trying to hitch their wagons. Not that Costas Mandylor was ever a star. Nor was the bodacious Betsy Russell, who will forever be known to a generation of men as the much hotter girl Matthew Modine should have cheated on Phoebe Cates with in Private School.

NEXT: GO, DOG, GO AS EXAMINATION OF PUPPY FARMS

Down to number six is Where the Wild Things are and while I finally got around to seeing it and I have to admit, the real reason I was slow was my own desire or lack thereof. Let’s face it: if I really want to see your movie, I’m there at midnight Wednesday like I was for Batman Begins or 10:00 am Sunday morning like I was for Death Race. As it turns out I was correct in my reticence, because what I remember of Where the Wild Things are wasn’t a fairy tale of dysfunction monsters miserable on an island visited by an equally dysfunctional kid. How Max became the angry product of a broken household who carries his issues of rage and need for attention over into fantasy is something only the mind of hip indie director could tell you, as clearly, happy stories are just for the illiterate masses. Surely, I’m not the only person who saw the main monster who looks like an evil H.R. Puffinstuff (here called Carol with the voice of James Gandolfini) and didn’t necessarily think, “Oh, he should have anger issues due to his fears.” Basically, he’s Max’s primary alter ego in the film, as in the beginning we see Max playing alone and when his teenaged sister first ignores him then doesn’t see to him when her friends accidentally hurt him while playing with him, his response is to then go to her room and trash it. When “Carol” gets upset, he trashes things. Oh, and that the monster with the horn was passive-aggressive also eluded me, as did the idea that the one who looked like a goat suffers from low self-esteem. I won’t say the film is bad, but this is simply not an interpretation I agree with. But it has the stamp of approval from none other than Maurice Sendak himself, so I guess a happy, lyrical adaptation of his book (with music for someone who lives outside Williamsburg might appreciate) wasn’t on his mind either. I didn’t mind it being a little scary because the book always had a hint of that for me (they are monsters after all), but emotionally fearful was a bit much for me. I couldn’t wait to leave Max’s dysfunctional real life at the beginning for the Wild Things, but after five minutes with the Wild Things who are seemingly only capable of expressing emotions good and bad through violent acts (when Max is declared king, we see the bones of the previous kings that have been killed), I kinda needed him to go home so I could too.

CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT BUFFY

The Stepfather is down to number seven, followed by Astro Boy at number eight and while you could pass off Nicholas Cage’s participation here as part of his well-known geekdom (though he’s currently suing his accountant because of millions in back taxes), let’s see who’s here for fun and who needs the career boost. Samuel L. Jackson, Bill Nighy, Charlize Theron, Donald Sutherland and even Nathan Lane and Eugene Levy don’t need the boost. Also for Freddie Highmore this is part of the gig as a kid, so actually we’re missing the usual “grasping for straws” suspects like Ed Begley Jr or Tara Reid. Only Kristin Bell is clearly using this solidify her geek cred, which I’m still at a loss to understand as Veronica Mars was neither science fiction nor horror. I know the initial days Post-Buffy The Vampire Slayer were empty, but did you damn geeks have to hop on anything that came down the pike?

ACCOUNTANTS DO CRY

Amelia enters the top ten at number nine and apparently this is as dull and as turgid a biopic as it looks and Hillary Swank is apparently going to set some kind of record with “Most Bad A-List Movies From An Oscar Winner.” Yeah, you can say her agent got her two Oscars, but that’s all he’s gotten her. She has yet to make a film that anyone takes pleasure in seeing. Neither Million Dollar Baby nor Boys Don’t Cry are what I’d call fun and when she tries for light you get things like The Core and P.S. I Love You (with the other career suicide specialist, Gerard Butler).

LOOKS LIKE IT’S TWILIGHT FOR THEM. GET IT? SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

Finally, Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant closes out the top ten at number ten and as it turns out this is actually based on the second book in the series so they were clearly hoping the teen vampire thing would carry them. They were wrong.

I’M TOO SEXY, TOO SEXY FOR MYSELF, SO SEXY IT HURTS

So Dr. Drew’s Sexual Rehab show started and among the people in sexual rehab are: a pro surfer who had HPV in his throat; the former drummer for Skid Row, the Playmate who made the sex tape with Colin Farrell; a film director whose taste for “beautiful straight boys” developed in prison; former Miss USA Teen who lost her title because she posed for Playboy; Amber Smith, back from the drug show who has exchanged drugs for men, though not necessarily sexual, and of course porn stars. The first is Kendra Jade who made the tabloids by supposedly hooking up with K-Fed, but the most notable thing to me is that she’s married to Lukas from Rockstar: Supernova a few years ago! Also there is porn star Penny Flame (it makes perfect sense to me her real name IS JENNIFER) and true to the C-list nature of this show she was never a big star in the world of porn either, and it’s a sad sign when at the beginning of the show she insists she’s “kind of a big deal.” I suppose having a sex addiction and being a porn star makes sense to people, but it’s more like being an alcoholic and being a taster for Budweiser. Of course at least two people have admitted to childhood molestation (in one instance it was then coupled by multiple rapes during the teen years), a third is coming and frankly Dr. Drew clearly suspects it of everyone. It’s also sadly telling that there are more women than men because having a lot of sex isn’t considered a “problem” for a man and is a lot less likely to fuck up his life so long as he keeps it from affecting his job. A woman is a lot more likely to feel the effects of a sexual addiction from society at large and be motivated to seek change. It’s also telling that every woman was technically in the business of being desired, from teen beauty queen, to model to porn star. That lets you know they aren’t as different as you’d like to think. While all the men are here have been successful because of skills they possess. Yeah, I couldn’t watch the drug rehab show because it was just too depressing. I don’t think this is going to be any different.

WORKING CLASS HORNDOG

I love to hate the show Californication, but right now I just love it because Rick Springfield is on it playing…Rick Springfield. Or rather an exaggerated version of himself (in reality Rick has been married for 25 years, not out going down on housewives who pay a thousand dollars to spend the day with him) and it is an unexpected treat for me having Showtime back. And Susan Sarandon clearly gave her daughter the gift of boobs, which are on display, as she’s playing a stripper who’s sleeping with her teacher, David Duchovny, still playing this menopausal male fantasy role, where his students male and female want him (yes, Chuck Bass briefly played a student in love with him), his Teaching Assistant wants him (and is sleeping with him) and the dean’s wife (played by that woman Mark Darcy was dating in Bridget Jones’s Diary) wants him. I have no doubt the writing staff of this show looks like collision between a Weight Watchers meeting and a Rogaine seminar.

LULLABY OF CLUBLAND

1. Paranormal Activity/Paramount Wknd/$ 22.0 Total/$ 62.5

2. Saw VI/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 14.8 Total/$ 14.8

3. Where the Wild Things Are/Warner Wknd/$ 14.8 Total/$ 54.0

4. Law Abiding Citizen/Over Wknd/$ 12.7 Total/$ 40.3

5. Couples Retreat/Universal Wknd/$ 11.1 Total/$ 78.2

6. Astro Boy/Summit Wknd/$ 7.0 Total/$ 7.0

7. The Stepfather/SG Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 20.4

8. The Vampire’s Assistant/Universal Wknd/$ 6.3 Total/$ 6.3

9. Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 115.2

10. Zombieland/Sony Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 67.3

GHOSTS HATE FRAT BOYS

Paranormal Activity jumps to number one and supposedly there’s a warning tale of sexism here because while the couple is warned about their haunting and the girl is terrified, the boyfriend disregards her fear and continues the tapings that make up the film. I think we know what happens to people who are warned not to fuck with the supernatural…

SAW XVI IN 2019

Saw VI opens at number two behind a movie that’s been out for over a month and is in a thousand less theaters. Are people finally turning away from the torture porn for a horror film that relies on actual skill? You wish. This only cost $11M to make and made $14M opening a week before Halloween. Imagine what it’ll make next week. Look for Saw VII next year.

AND NEVER EVER WHEN THE MOON IS FULL

Where the Wild Things are is down to number three and nope, I still haven’t seen this. Now that football has started I’ve pretty much lost Sunday as a movie day, because I just don’t go during the week. Or at night. Or on days with an “R” in them. Just kidding about that last one, but not that week thing.

TRULY HOOKIN’ A BRUTHA UP

Law Abiding Citizen is down to number four, followed by Couples Retreat at number five and Faizon Love must be a buddy of Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau (he was in the Favreau directed Elf) because there’s no other reason this fat non-acting bastard has this role which requires something requiring acting skill. Think of all the other talented Black actors who missed out on the “One Black Friend” role.

SIT IT RIGHT NEXT TO GODZILLA AS JAPANESE CONCEPTS WE CANNOT DUPLICATE

Astro Boy opens poorly at number six and this is one of the most famous anime characters of all time and if you don’t know that, well that says it all about why it opened the way it did. I can honestly say I’ve never really seen any Astro Boy cartoons though I’ve known about him all my life and always wondered what the hell was up with him running around in a pair of shorts and nothing else. He’s a little boy. Could you be more creepy? In any case, in the original story Astro Boy is a robot created by a scientist to replace the son he lost in a car accident (notice how he’s got no motivation to recreate his wife). When he realizes the robot will never replace his son, he sells him to the circus where he’s eventually rescued and begins his adventures fighting evil robots and alien invaders. One huge mistake the film makes is actually letting us meet the boy Astro is based upon, so we have to watch him die. Seriously. We see the kid killed. What. The. Fuck? Why would you do that? This only serves to place all our sympathies with his creator Dr. Tenma (voiced by Nicholas Cage). Then there’s the matter of how he uses a hair from his late son to build Astro, technically making him a bit of a clone, but this isn’t played up, which is also a mistake. Also, Astro Boy was an adventure manga and cartoon. He fought evil robots and aliens. Know who he fights here? The leader of the city who’s trying to start a war to get reelected. Yeah, exactly. Sure there are robots used, but it’s not the same. You need a real bad guy. Real bad robots. And for the luvva Pete, a cute gang of orphan kids? Really? Do we really need this still!?!

HOW NOT TO MAKE A CAREER IN ONE EASY LESSON

The Stepfather is down to number seven and the question is which Gossip Girl cast member will be able to use the show’s heat to their advantage? Well, judging by the performance of this film, it ain’t Dan, aka, Penn Badgley. But if he needs a warning about how not to make the most of a hot show, he’s got Sherry Stringfield here in the cast. Remember her from e.r’s white-hot glory days? She walked away from the show at its peak apparently for love---only to return a few years later, not that anyone was still watching to notice.

AWWWW, FREAK OUT

Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant opens at number eight and clearly not every book about a teenage vampire is going to take. First of all, where’s your teenage girl so they can long chastely for one another? I know nothing about this and like most people I’ve no interest in learning and honestly, playing up the teen vampire thing actually put me off. I was more interested in a kid joining up with a freak circus than that.

THIS WEEK ON ZOMBIELAND: GEORGE WENDT STOPS BY FOR A CHEERS REUNION

Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs is down to number nine, followed by Zombieland and believe it or not, this was originally pitched as a TV series. Seriously. Who the fuck wants to watch a zombie comedy week after week!?! So know there are built in sequels coming. Also in this is Amber Heard, who has apparently built a career on based on websites like TheSuperficial and Egotastic, because it’s the only place I’ve ever seen her name. She’s also “the girlfriend” in The Stepfather, so if you need an up and coming pretty girl to just be that, she’s your go-to right now. She must have been on at least one Maxim cover by now. Her one starring role was All The Boys Love Mandy Lane, which had a lot of buzz but never got a theatrical release.

WHAT THE YOUNG PEOPLE ARE DOING WHILE WE’RE WATCHING SNL

So last week I was hanging out in New Jersey with an ex-boss and this weekend I was hanging out with another ex-boss in final outing of her “I quit” trifecta. She resigned and arranged for multiple “goodbye” outings. Hell, she took us out for drinks just to tell us she was leaving. The first outing was for drinks at a Mexican place where sadly, I was the first casualty. How does that happen? Well, I’ll tell you how. First, I had no idea I’d be drinking that night so I couldn’t do my prep, which is usually a heavy, greasy lunch. Wendy’s has always been my go-to choice for before a night of drinking. But this time I had a very light lunch. So when I not only drank my tequila shot but the shots of a few other people (I remember four, maybe five) along with the margaritas I was drinking…it wasn’t long before someone was helping me into a cab and I was taking up my traditional slot wrapped in comforter on the hallway floor in front of my bathroom. It’s been a while since I’ve been that drunk. In fact, the last time was when I first started my job and again, it was tequila, my bitch goddess. I woke up 12 hours later, went to a movie, and then burned off my hangover with a bike ride. The next outing was a week later at a local bar on her official last day and with the memory of the previous outing still fresh in my mind, I drew the line at one shot and just drank from the “tower of beer” that we kept getting refilled. That’s when I discovered another problem: I can’t eat crap like I used too. The bar food which came in great quantities began to affect me almost immediately. Since when have nachos and wings and spring rolls been a problem? I tell you when: if they’re frozen and not fresh. A recent bad experience with frozen chicken pot pie has taught me that even though my diet doesn’t seem that great, it’s not packed full of preservatives like this crap and its effect on me was devastating. So I wasn’t the first to leave, but I was done by 9:00, which is usually unheard of. This final night out I did my prep with a nice turkey burger and soda from Lucky’s. As it turns out my now ex-boss was once married to a DJ and was quite the club hopper, so the final party was at a club called Rebel on 30^th street between 8^th and 9^th. We got in free and by “we” I mean me. With the exception of her nutritionalist and her personal trainer and his friend, everyone else seemed to bail because of the weather. I felt for her. When I’m your only attendee on a Saturday night, your party has truly failed. That said, the club was interesting. It was two stories divided into three spaces. The first space was the ground floor and they were playing more Depeche Mode sounding work, which was empty and remained so. On the mezzanine was a small lounge area and coat check. On the second floor were the two remaining dance spaces, the largest being the “house” room with a central dance floor surrounded by booths, one of which was ours, which was oddly next to a booth filled with a group of hearing-impaired people. Um, okay. I guess you can feel the beat if you can’t hear it. The "house" room had the largest crowd, but frankly I find that repetitive music boring as hell. But apparently you can dance to it and text at the same time, which made it clear I come from another generation. The final, smallest room was the hip-hop room, where we wound up because that’s the music my ex-boss prefers---along with her love of black men. Oh, yes. The things you learn while out drinking with co-workers. But that thankfully never applied to me because people (men and women) with a preference for Black men usually like them to be hypermasculine, borderline stereotypical. Professional athletes and rap stars. You know, like the way Madonna liked her bruthas. Not geeks like me. And basically once her nutrionalist left there she was in the hip-hop room with a bunch of black guys and at one point sandwiched between two of them on the dance floor. But she wasn’t the only one. There was another white girl there with her black boyfriend who pretty much lapdanced for her pleasure while she sat back sipping her drink. And then there was there was the white girl there in the mini-skirt and knee-high boots with her tall, gawky, crewneck-sweater-wearing boyfriend and when he stopped attempting to dance, she kept going---with the black girls who came in, much to their surprise, but they rolled with it because we tend to like white people who are very enthusiastic towards us. As much as I do enjoy the people watching it grows old without someone to do it with and since Chasing Amy had blown me off yet again, I packed it up around 1:30, which is pretty early as far as clubbing goes. I can’t remember the last time I actually set foot in a club, so it may be another million years before I do it again.

I FINALLY UNDERSTAND THOSE WOMEN WHO DON’T KNOW THEY’RE PREGNANT

I can be spectacularly obtuse at times, so when I began to feel uncomfortable in my clothes I genuinely had no idea why. Suddenly, my belt was hurting me, pushing in against my stomach. How? Why? These are the questions I asked myself…AS I MADE A BOWL OF MOLTEN CHEESE! Seriously, it never occurred to me that eating a cheese dip made from butter, white flour, whole milk and half-a-pound of cheese every week for two straight months would result in even more gut. My belt wasn’t suddenly pushing in, I was suddenly pushing out more. So this weekend there was no cheese dip. Nor were there frozen margaritas. And then the ultimate step: I rejoined a fucking gym which is why I’m just one mass of aching flab right now (if I don’t stop taking Advil I’m going to be like that girl on Grey’s Anatomy who took so much to work out it killed her) Yeah, I could have gone back to kung-fu, but I’m still not there mentally yet. My discipline is weak. I still need to be on my own schedule. Not to mention this is a lot cheaper (a third of the cost) and there’s a pool. I have missed the water more than kicking people in the head. Sadly, the beautiful pool set up at Crunch is a thing of the past. They were another recession victim so a pool on third floor with thousand foot ceilings and giant windows to let in the sun or see the stars is a thing of the past. Now I’m under fucking Worldwide Plaza in the basement at Ballys. Sigh. And if leave-nothing-to-the-imagination yoga pants were dangerous in the street, they’re going to kill me in the gym when I’m hoisting weights over my head. Lady, we get it: your ass is a thing of wonder. Can you put on some baggy sweats now? And raven-haired Russian girl in the pool? If you’re killing it in your little bikini (and you were) and the guy you’re talking to still won’t give you more than “I’ve been busy. I’ll call” then he’s just not that into you.

OCEAN’S 1

One thing I like about the shows on the USA Network is that they’re usually about smart people who are very good at their jobs but with a cynical sense of humor. Burn Notice and In Plain Sight are like this and now White Collar joins the group with an exceptional thief and con man partnered with the FBI agent who caught him. It’s very much fantasy fluff, but it’s the kind I like. Of course the only reason he breaks out of jail is for love. Of course when he’s told he had to buy his clothes at a thrift store he runs into Dianne Carroll donating her late husband’s designer wear to charity. Of course they fit him perfectly. Of course when he’s told he can’t live anywhere that costs more than $700 a month she’s got a room for him for just that much in her $100M mansion. Of course her beautiful granddaughter sometimes stays there. But the show is self-aware enough to have the FBI Agent be upset that all these things just managed to happen for him. The lead is best known to some of you as Bryce Larkin from Chuck and while I like Chuck well enough, I do prefer my heroes to be good looking and they don’t come much prettier than this guy and there’s at least one scene where he must show off his chiseled torso. But we all like a good pretty boy thief with their heart in the right place, going back to Cary Grant trying to clear his name in To Catch A Thief, to Robert Wagner working for the government in It Takes a Thief to George Clooney and Brad Pitt just plain old stealing in the Ocean’s movies. Plus, they have my great weakness: they clearly film it here in NYC.

WHERE THE TIRED OLD THINGS ARE

1. Where the Wild Things Are/Warner Wknd/$ 32.5 Total/$ 32.5

2. Law Abiding Citizen/Over Wknd/$ 21.3 Total/$ 21.3

3. Paranormal Activity/Paramount Wknd/$ 20.2 Total/$ 33.7

4. Couples Retreat/Universal Wknd/$ 17.9 Total/$ 63.3

5. The Stepfather/SG Wknd/$ 12.3 Total/$ 12.3

6. Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs Wknd/$ 8.1 Total/$ 108.3

7. Zombieland/Sony Wknd/$ 7.8 Total/$ 60.8

8. Toy Story 1&2 3D/Disney Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 28.6

9. Surrogates/Touchstone Wknd/$ 1.9 Total/$ 36.3

10. The Invention of Lying/Warner Wknd/$ 1.9 Total/$ 15.5

A LITTLE LESS WILD RUMPUS ON MY PART WAS NEEDED

Where The Wild Things Are opens at number one and I tried to see this but the Saturday morning screening I went to was actually cancelled. Not sold out, but cancelled! I tried again on Sunday morning, but this time I was betrayed by my body, which informed me that the past week of bad food and drinking was going to cost me more than the usual gut and man boobs and refused to let me get out of bed. So until I get to see it my favorite thing about the release of the movie so far is Maurice Sendak saying that any parent who thinks the movie is too scary for their kids “can go to hell!” And honestly, is anyone surprised? The book scared me as a kid, though I loved it. It would be incomplete for me to lack any anxiety of some sort.

RELEASING THOSE CRAPPY ALBUMS ISN’T HELPING, JAMIE

Law Abiding Citizen opens at number two and Gerard Butler continues to piss away his 300 heat in bad movie after bad movie and no, I don’t have to see this to know it’s bad. Butler plays some sort of former government agent getting revenge on the system for letting the murderer of his wife and child go free even though he’s already killed the murderer himself. Joining him in this downward spiral is Jamie Foxx, clearly set on joining those for whom winning an Oscar results in a surprised response due to how much overwhelming crap otherwise fills their resume. You know, like how Shelly Winters was at the end. He could blame Stealth on being pre-Oscar. This, not so much. And for Butler this comes barely two months after Gamer. You know what did make money? The Ugly Truth. $170M worldwide from a $38M budget, so look out, Matthew McConughey, someone’s coming for your B-List “lovable rogue changed by the love of a good woman” romantic comedy throne.

YEAH, I KNOW WHAT I SAID TO GERARD BUTLER, BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT

Paranormal Activity jumps to number three and my feelings on this are clear. It looks scary. I will not see it. But I want the stars of this to grab as much work thrown their way as humanly possible. You know the people from The Blair Witch Project wish they had.

SWEET CHARLOTTE

Couples Retreat is down to number four and did I mention how much I loved Kristin Davis finally being allowed to play sexy? Not to mention the tropical setting requiring a wardrobe made up of bikinis? Well, I did. It’s flat out my favorite part of the movie. Even though her being married to Jon Favreau is a bit of a stretch for me. First that troll on Sex & The City and now this? When does she get the dude as hot as she is? Though I must admit it makes a little more sense once we’re told he was the high school football star and she was a cheerleader and they got married because she got pregnant. But don’t bother looking for those scenes in the trailer where they cheat on each other. They were cut. One nice touch is that their daughter is a hottie, which is what you expect from any child of Kristin Davis.

CLEARLY THE RESULT OF STEPMOTHERS TIRED OF BEING VILIFIED

The Stepfather opens at number five and this is remake of a very creepy little movie about a guy who starts killing people if his family isn’t perfect. It’s clearly been remade as a teen “stepdad from hell” flick starring Dan from Gossip Girl, instantly making it more appealing to one group and less appealing to another. I had no interest in the original and I don’t have any interest in this one.

EVEN BETTER IF THEY INCLUDE A ZOMBIE DANCE NUMBER

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs is down to number six, followed by Zombieland at number seven and what the hell is Abigail Breslin doing in this!?! If you tell me she’s a zombie, I may have to reconsider my decision not to see it. Zombie Little Miss Sunshine would be a must-see.

BECAUSE GOD FORBID THEY CAST AN OLDER WOMAN

Toy Story 1&2 3D is down to number eight, followed by The Surrogates at number nine and also in this is Rosamund Pike, better known as Miranda Frost, the traitorous cold-but-sexy agent from Die Another Day. She plays Bruce Willis’ wife and while she plays her age as a robot, they age up her human appearance so she can appear to be as old as Bruce Willis, whose robot self is de-aged with special effects, so he can simply play his age as himself. Everybody got that?

THE END

Finally, The Invention of Lying closes out the top ten at number ten.

NO NICE & SMOOTH EITHER? DAYUM.

VH1 Hip Hop Honors was devoted to Rick Rubin and Russell Simmons, aka, Def Jam and it’s easily the most consistently entertaining Awards show, because it’s all about performances (i.e, no speeches), but you could feel the energy level drop when it switched from the older stuff to the later and despite all claims to the contrary, as Def Jam became more successful, the work became slicker. And where the hell were Reverend Run and DMC? Yeah, the ultimate irony is that one of the greatest rap acts ever wasn’t on the greatest rap label even though they were brothers, but still, how could they not at least be there or be interviewed? And those Tracy Jordan comedy bits just sucked and we could have sacrificed them totally to have Oran “Juice” Jones sing more than just a few bars. And where was Slick Rick!?! Hello!?! It should have gone from Slick Rick’s “Bedtime Story” and segued into Montel Jordan’s “This Is How We Do It.” Not to mention 3^rD Bass is sitting in the audience right behind Rick and Russell and don’t get so much as a mention. And even though I entered NYU in 1984 at the same time Rick Rubin started the label, I tell myself that it was before I got there in the fall. I mean, the only time I even went to the hellish Weinstein Dorm was to eat breakfast and try to talk to a talk Greek girl on the fencing team. I only succeeded in getting breakfast. I’d rather not think I missed out on both booty and the opportunity of a lifetime. It’s like saying you were in Liverpool in the 50’s never seemed to run into The Beatles or in Paris in the 30’s but missed the whole expatriate thing with F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemmingway.

WOULD YOU LIKE A LITTLE DINNER WITH YOUR WINE?

So, I actually went to Hoboken to have dinner with my ex-boss (no, this doesn’t mean I’ll come to Queens for you). And by dinner, I mean killing a bottle of wine while trying to decide what we were going to eat then taking another to dinner (where they turned it into sangria) with us because apparently BYOB is very common in Hoboken. I liked my ex-boss from the first moment I met her because of three main reasons: 1) she cursed like a sailor, 2) clearly thought the first two or three buttons of every blouse were merely decorations as she never used them and 3) kinda looks like a cross between Debra Messing and Ellen Pompeo (Meredith Grey to you). She’d actually heard the Debra Messing comparison before and attributed it them both being tall, loud Jews. She also had a great fashion sense, occasionally rocking some of her mother’s clothes from the late 60’s early 70’s. She even told me she’d just bought a few pairs of flat boots because they were making fun of her at her new job for always wearing stiletto boots, which make her around six feet. We’d never really hung out before, but once out at a local Mexican place, she pretty much confirmed being like all the other women I know who suffer no fools gladly---especially jocky frat boys like the table next to us, which was filled with them. The irony being, during her college days, that’s who she dated, being a jock herself. Well, as much of a jock as you can be in Canada. What? What’d I say? By the end of the night we’d pretty much finished three bottles of wine so I was semi-left to my own devices to get home. She had no idea when the bus ran that had brought me out, so basically called a cab and told me go wait outside for it despite having mentioned she still felt Hoboken was a bit dodgy. I didn’t get that feeling, but then again, I was a black guy in a black leather coat. Who’s a threat to me in fucking Hoboken? My cab just drove past me and after waiting for a few minutes, I realized he wasn’t just circling the block. I walked back over to Washington Street, which is the main thoroughfare, and waited a few more minutes to see if the bus was going back into the city so I could use my round trip ticket. It wasn’t, so I took the number off a passing cab, called one for myself and had it take me to the PATH train where I went against the flux of delusional people coming back from the city, valiantly trying to convince themselves that living there was just as good as living in Manhattan. No. No, it isn’t. You’re all losers.

NOT THAT I DON’T HAVE EXCELLENT TASTE
There are a many great things about shopping in New York, but one that strangely goes unmentioned is the unsolicited opinion of gay men while shopping alone. Seriously, when faced with a decision and without a friend to turn to, whatever would we do without the eyerolls, snickers and flat out mockery of total strangers and their boyfriends? Of course the downside is some of your more extravagant choices which should probably kept to yourself will be encouraged, because these aren’t people known for moderating or suppressing one’s true self. I think that’s how I got my pirate-Jesus shirt, which I threw in the goodwill pile last week after not wearing it for two years. And the beautiful, beautiful butter-soft tan leather trench I was trying on despite it being a size too small, was endorsed by a diminutive Latin man who told me, “If I could wear that color, I would get it.” I got it again Just last week I was in Old Navy looking for something to wear while working out in the cold weather. I was trying on a golden performance fleece top (I’ll be wearing it at night while riding, so the brighter the better) and was a little worried about whether or not the size was right when I noticed two old queens easily in their 60’s behind me in the mirror smiling. I turned for judgment and was told that I looked great in and should buy it. So I did. Now that I no longer have my shopping buddy, these moments are more important than ever.

Montell Jordan - This Is How We Do It
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