LOST CRUSADE

1. Indiana Jones 4/Paramount Wknd/$101.0 Total/$ 126.0
2. Prince Caspian/Disney Wknd/$ 23.0 Total/$ 91.1
3. Iron Man/Paramount Wknd/$ 20.1 Total/$ 252.3
4. What Happens In Vegas/Fox Wknd/$ 9.0 Total/$ 54.2
5. Speed Racer/Warner Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 36.2
6. Made of Honor/Sony Wknd/$ 3.4 Total/$ 39.0
7. Baby Mama/Universal Wknd/$ 3.3 Total/$ 52.1
8. Forgetting Sarah Marshall/Univer Wknd/$ 1.8 Total/$ 58.3
9. Harold & Kumar Escape Wknd/$ .9 Total/$ 35.9
10.The Visitor/ Wknd/$ .7 Total/$ 3.4

MORE LIKE A LOST CRUSADE
Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull opens predictably at number one and no this does not live up to the originals, but before we go to gazing at the past through rose-colored glasses let me point out that the two sequels to Raiders of the Lost Ark weren’t that great either. The second was a tremendous let down, beginning with Kate Capshaw as the female lead instead of Karen Allen and Last Crusade was essentially a remake of the first, only redeemed by the presence of Sean Connery as the father of Indiana Jones. So lets not pretend the bar was so high to begin with. But this doesn’t even measure up to them. First of all, the pace is…slow. Maybe it’s the age of everyone involved, but the action sequences seem to move at half speed. And the story…well, does it really matter? They’re all the same. Something old and mysterious is found that leads to a greater discovery of something long ago lost to history and when you find it booby traps and mysterious powers await you---much to the chagrin of the evil guy in a uniform speaking a foreign language next to you, ‘cause it’s gonna kill him. It’s nice that they don’t pretend time hasn’t passed and we’re now with Indiana Jones in the 50’s where the Red Scare is in full swing. Ironically the actions of the Soviets on US in this film pretty much justify those fears and I wonder if this occurred to them. We’re supposed to look down on the FBI harassing Indiana Jones after he is kidnapped and taken to Area 51 (yes, Indiana Jones was involved in Roswell), but the way Cate Blanchett and her little Red Army run around killing at will kind of backs up their paranoia. Sorry, but that’s a problem in the screenplay that should have been addressed. But don’t worry. They disappear and are never to be seen again, which is odd considering they might be a wee interested into why the Soviets invaded a US base, risking war. A straight laced FBI agent following Indiana Jones around couldn’t have been much any worse than Shia LeBouf as the motorcycle-riding, leather-jacket kid who joins Indiana Jones this time around. And I’m sure by now everyone knows he’s also his son. My own hatred of Shia aside, his character is a total failure. First and foremost, he’s not good-looking enough to be Henry Jones III. Sean Connery’s and Harrison Ford’s genes do not lead to this. Second, he’s supposed to be some 50’s rebel kid and that’s just not happening here. James Franco, who won acclaim and awards playing James Dean would have been better. But he’s an actor and never the same guy in every role he plays. Besides, Spielberg’s obviously on a mission to give the world it’s first dweeby Jewish hero and will not be stopped (he also chose Shia LeBouf for Transformers). It’s like if I made this movie and Indiana Jones’s son was some geeky black kid with glasses. Good casting or me working out my own fantasies/issues? I’ll probably buy this for my mom when it comes out this Christmas, but it won’t join the others on my DVD shelf. I have no desire to see it again, unlike Iron Man which will be on “repeat” in my house.

A HISTORY OF IRON 101
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, is down to number two, followed by Iron Man at number three and for those of you who dated in high school…and college…or at all, you probably wouldn’t know this but the character Terrance Howard plays, Rhodey, also winds up in a suit of armor one day. Actually, in the comics when Tony Stark succumbs to alcoholism, Rhodey takes over as Iron Man until Stark recovers. Then he goes on to get his own armor under the designation, War Machine, another armor Stark created for an obvious purpose. So there’s your clue to upcoming sequels and possible spin-offs. This comic book history moment brought to you by poor social skills and an overall hatred of humanity.

THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN
What Happens in Vegas is down to number four, followed by Speed Racer at number five and What Happens in Vegas has now out grossed Speed Racer. Ouch. Bear in mind WHIV cost $35M and Speed Racer cost $120M. Double ouch. And I’m still not sad, because the Wachowski Brothers needed humbling and they need a leash. They haven’t had one since the first Matrix movie and we know how that’s turned out. Some people, no matter how talented and brilliant need limitations otherwise they will just spiral off into excess and think everything that crosses their minds needs to be released (can you say Prince?). I think the Matrix sequels established they’re well along that path. They won’t have a blank check on their next film and it will be all the better for it.

BALLS = CASH
Made of Honor is down to number six followed by Baby Mama at number seven and Forgetting Sarah Marshall at number eight and this has grossed $80M worldwide, so while not up to the same level as Knocked Up or Superbad, the Judd Apatow gravy train of male arrested development (and you bitches who just don’t understand) continues.

WEED + BALLS = CASH
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay is down to number nine and this has actually turned a profit already, but when you only cost $12M it’s pretty easy. This means you can count on a third film. I’m thinking they go into space like Josie and the Pussycats.

WHERE TALENT GOES TO DIE
And holding on to the number ten spot is The Visitor and am I the only person who saw this title and immediately thought of crappy old horror film from 1979 that had a great poster of an eyeball with evil claws? I never saw it, but it was a great poster. The movie starred none other than Glenn Ford, John Huston, Shelly Winters…and director Sam Peckinpah? There’s a 50/50 chance this could just be a home movie from a Hollywood old age home pawned off as a film.

ENTERING THE DRAGON
So we’ve finished our first week of Hung Ga kung fu and are five pounds lighter as a result. This is important because last weekend we topped out at 200 lbs. I’m 5’8”. No one that short should weigh that much. Yes, I know muscle weighs more than fat, but there are football players who are taller and weigh less and they’re not regretting giving their fat jeans to Goodwill! Chasing Amy briefly asked me if I would go to a wedding with her and not only could I barely fit into my suit pants, but to add insult to injury, it caused a small rip in the seat like fat guy joke in a movie. Thank god she reunited with her boyfriend and freed me from the obligation or it would have been a long night. Aside from the quick weight loss---which might have been helped by me replacing the gigantic bowl of Fruit Loops I normally eat for dessert with watermelon and snacking only on Turkey Bacon (a “Black Man’s Diet” if ever I heard one)---I’m also in a certain amount of pain. Most is to be expected from the underused muscles in my back, legs, arms, abs. But then we have the strange pain in places. Why does my stomach hurt on the outside? Oh, that’s right. From the exercise where we punched each other in the stomach. Why do my forearms hurt? Oh, that’s right. From when we slammed our forearms into one another’s. My palms hurt? Hand slapping exercise. The inside and outside of my thighs? From the exercise where your partner kicks you on the inside and outside of your thighs. Yes, all the torturous training you’ve seen in kung-fu movies is based in reality. At one point they even broke out the iron ring, though I was fortunate enough to have missed it this time. I’m just waiting for the day I walk in and have to carry a smoldering hot cast iron pot with my forearms so the dragon symbol can be seared into them. Of course when I signed up and coughed up the money I felt immediate buyer’s remorse, thinking I should have gone to the more familiar taekwondo, but that’s passed now. When we got a small history lesson at the end of one class I knew my decision was the right one, because that’s part of the “art” of “martial arts” and you don’t get that in a kickboxing class. Granted, this style isn’t big on kicking people in the head (low stances, low kicks, so I’ll have to do that on my own), but it was still the right way to go.

BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO RIDE THE GREAT AMERICAN VOMIT MACHINE
Aside from a good health plan and being two blocks from my house, my job unveiled another tremendous perk last week by sending the entire company to Six Flags (they’re a client). Now, I haven’t been to Six Flags in almost 25 years. Not since I briefly worked there in high school. But that’s what working some place does to you. You don’t ever want to go there again no matter what. People who work at McDonalds don’t want Big Macs and I’m pretty sure some ex-porn stars don’t see what the big deal is about orgies with midgets either. In any case, I suddenly felt a mad desire to ride rollercoasters, which was odd because I’ve never been a bigger, faster guy (as any woman I’ve slept with can tell you). I was never big to get on the hot new ride, but now I was making a list of what I wanted to hit and first on that list was none other than Superman. Superman straps you in, then positions you horizontally so you’re “flying” along the track as it takes you up and down and all around. I realized then and there I could have never become a test pilot. I wisely didn’t eat beforehand and my slight dizziness and nausea backed that up. Nonetheless, I followed that up with The Great American Scream Machine. Same result, but by the time I walked to Rolling Thunder I was fine. Only Rolling Thunder wasn’t working and the line I’d actually gotten into was Kingda Ka, the fastest, tallest rollercoaster on earth with a 45-story vertical followed by a four-story 270-degree vertical drop at 128 mph. I’d have gotten out of line, but then I saw women I worked with and they saw me and my penis swore it’d leave me for good if I wimped out then (and I’m sure talk around the office wouldn’t have been much different: “I heard he got out of line at Kingda Ka because his penis is really small!”). It was okay, but honestly, Superman did more damage to me. El Toro would have been next, but I wasn’t waiting 40 minutes to ride anything. This is how I wound up at my undoing: Medusa, which was the first “floorless” rollercoaster in the world, which means it was the first they eschew actual cars for it’s 14 story ups and downs and 360’s. After that, Runaway Train was a walk in the park and a bit dull. But even the walk over to Batman hadn’t cured my nausea. Nonetheless, I had to do Dark Knight because I thought it would be tied to the movie. Unfortunately, aside from showing Aaron Eckert as Gotham City District Attorney, Harvey Dent, it was pretty lame ride, like something you get in a local carny. But it was the final nail in my coffin. No Batman and no Nitro. My next ride was then the Ferris Wheel. Needless to say the free lunch they were providing was out of the question and after blowing $5 trying to win a Superman guitar, I bought myself a $5 Superman cape. That made me happy. I hopped on the first bus home, which took us through the Safari on the way out and I have to wonder if a lot of those animals belong in this climate. I’m pretty sure your average White Tiger has a problem with a New Jersey winter. But that’s it for me. I’m officially retired from rolllercoasters and one of the benefits of not having kids is there’s nothing on earth to get me back on one.

HERE TO TAKE ALL THE WOMEN
Celeb sightings are few and far between these days, but I have to mention I saw Gossip Girl pretty boy, Chace Crawford outside of Coppersmith’s on 9th Avenue. He’s barely 5’9” and was hanging with his buddies, none of whom were fellow cast members. And I have to say, I do think he’s straight. He seemed a little to male-bonding douchey to be gay.

YES, ALL WELSH SINGERS HAVE CHEST HAIR, EVEN THE WOMEN
Since Amy Winehouse is dead set on well, being dead we should cast our eyes on others, as England is having an apparently rush on 20-something chick singers right now, from Corinne Bailey Rae (whose dumbass jazz musician husband overdosed himself a few months ago) to Lilly Allen to the aforementioned Instrument of Self Destruction to the latest, Duffy. Duffy follows the path of Welsh White Soul blazed by Tom Jones. Because I’m old, I first read about her months ago in Blender magazine, but couldn’t find anything to download, legally or illegally. That’s hardly a problem now, but I did buy the album. If Blue-eye English girl soul is what you want, this is it. The up-tempo numbers are the best, so of course there’s only two or three of them, including the single, “Mercy.” The best song isn’t even on the US release and it’s called “Tomorrow” and sounds like something Tina Turner would have done in her 80’s comeback. It’s a free download if you buy the CD from Best Buy, but it’s a fucking WMA, which doesn’t work for me, so I just stole it online. Hey, I bought the CD! I had a right to it! Apparently some Black English soul singers are pissed the White girls are getting all the attention. Well, to be honest, English soul is really that soulful and all pretty much sounds the same, Black or White. R&B is American, baby, and don’t you forget it!

GODLY CINEMA

1. Prince Caspian/Disney Wknd/$ 56.6 Total/$ 56.6
2. Iron Man/Paramount Wknd/$ 31.2 Total/$ 222.5
3. What Happens In Vegas/Fox Wknd/$ 13.9 Total/$ 40.3
4. Speed Racer/Warner Wknd/$ 7.6 Total/$ 24.4
5. Baby Mama/Universal Wknd/$ 4.6 Total/$ 47.3
6. Made of Honor/Sony Wknd/$ 4.5 Total/$ 33.7
7. Forgetting Sarah Marshall/Univer Wknd/$ 2.5 Total/$ 55.1
8. Harold & Kumar Escape Wknd/$ 1.8 Total/$ 33.9
9. The Forbidden Kingdom/LGF Wknd/$ 1.0 Total/$ 50.3
10.The Visitor/ Wknd/$ .7 Total/$ 3.4

WHAT MOVIE WOULD JESUS SEE?
Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian opens at number one so I guess this means “Extended Fantasy Metaphors for Christ, 1” and “Extended Metaphors for Atheism, 0” because The Golden Compass is not going to have a sequel and this is the second movie of The Chronicles of Narnia. I didn’t see the first and I won’t see this. I can barely stomach all this kind of kiddie fantasy, or Christianity so as far as I’m concerned this sucker is “0 and 2.”

BRETT RATNER MORE EVIL THAN MAGNETO? GEEKS SAY “YES!”
Iron Man is down to number two and word has it the sequel is already in trouble because Paramount strangely neglected to lock in director Jon Faverau to a multi-picture deal, so now they have to re-negotiate his contract. Now, if Batman and The X-Men have taught us anything, the proper directorial pairing in these suckers is critical. You get Christopher Nolan or Bryan Singer and you’ve Batman Begins and the first two X-Men movies. But if you put Bryan Singer on Superman or Ang Lee on The Hulk (or Mark Stephen Johnson on anything) and you’ve got butt-numbing exercise in tedium and CGI. And then there’s the mess that was X-Men 3…

DON’T YOU WISH YOU HAD A DOUBLE VOWEL NAME?
What Happens in Vegas holds at number three which is actually somewhat impressive. Also in this as Cameron Diaz’s galpal is Lake Bell, best known for that lame science fiction show that no one watched called Surface. And earlier this year she had the indignity of competing the ghost of Eva Longoria in Over My Dead Body, make the list of her starring work that no one ever sees longer by the day. But she does have one of the movie’s funnier bits, which is being obsessed with punching men in their “junk” and it does have a pretty funny payoff in the end. But don’t let this sway you into thinking this is a particularly good or funny movie, ‘cause it ain’t. It’s just not as awful as others.

MY PRETTY…
Speed Racer is down to number four and as it turns out, this was actually the number three movie last week, having been beaten out by What Happens In Vegas. And you know what? I’m okay with that. See, now that it’s a failure, it’s mine. Mine! Mine! Mine! I don’t have to share it with you fuckers the way I have to share Iron Man now. I won’t have to talk about it with you people and answer your inane questions about how the Mach 5 can do what it does and if Speed and Trixie ever get it on (nightly, bitches, ‘cause that’s how Speed literally rolls!). It’s going back to its cult status and I’m okay with that. There’ll be a few other people who’ll understand, but the same fuckers who love American Idol won’t be among them. Now, my only goal is to upgrade my DVD player and TV to HD by the time it comes out on DVD this fall so I can see it how it was meant to be seen.

MEAN GIRLS 2: ELECTRIC BUGALOO
Baby Mama also holds at number five and at the very least it’s made more than its budget, so while not a blockbuster success, it’s no failure either. Tina Fey doesn’t need Lindsay Lohan nearly as much as Lindsay Lohan needs Tina Fey, but it obviously wouldn’t hurt.

APPARENTLY HE’S HUGE IN THE NETHERLANDS. NO, NOT A JOKE.
Dropping to number six is Made of Honor and also in this is Kadeem Harrison!?! Dwayne Wayne!?! Man, what the hell happened to you!?! Shouldn’t “Black Best Friend” be something you started playing 15 years ago? Yeah, you played it to Wesley Snipes in White Men Can’t Jump, but that doesn’t count and you were tossed aside for Woody Harrelson in the end anyway. How cruel is that? Replaced as a basketball buddy by a White guy. Oddly, he was in a science fiction B-movie that I liked called Drive about a cybernetic super assassin on the run and Kadeem Harrison is the guy he kidnaps to help his getaway. It’s pretty funny, the action sequences are good and has the strange plot complication of Kadeem Harrison fending off the advances of…Brittney Murphy? The shit you find on 3:00 am cable.

NEXT WEEK WE’LL TALK ABOUT THE BARTENDER
Forgetting Sarah Marshall is down to number seven and also in this is Jack McBrayer also known as Kenneth The Page from 30 Rock or the computer repairman in Mariah Carey’s video. He plays a part of virginal Christian couple and while his wife is ready to get down, he’s having reservations. He turns to the hedonistic rocker dating Sarah Marshall who then gives him a crash course in sex on the beach using giant chess pieces and this is one of the funniest bits in the film.

SPECIAL CRAZY “THUMPER” EDITION!
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay is down to number eight and this actually gives Rob Corddry two films in the top ten and I’m sure he’s probably the funniest thing in this one too. I’ll know in a year when it’s on cable or if I rent the inevitable “Unrated Special Edition.” For all you suckers who think you’re getting something extra depraved when you see that, all it means is that it wasn’t submitted to the MPAA for a rating. Technically, every movie released without a rating is the “unrated edition” even if it’s just Bambi.

OH, IMBLEE-BLEE, YOU’VE TAUGHT ME TO APPRECIATE BUTTERFLIES AGAIN!
The Forbidden Kingdom is down to number nine followed by The Visitor entering the top ten at number ten. This is the story of a college professor sleepwalking through life who comes to his apartment in New York to find it occupied by a Syrian drummer and his Senegalese girlfriend who were the victims of a real estate scam. He lets them stay and of course these warm foreigners soften his heart with their music and kind ways. Yeah, I’m mocking a film the world probably needs at this place and time, but even sweet clichés are still clichés and this sucker’s giving me a cavity just reading it. Did I mention the part about the drummer being arrested and scheduled for deportation and when his mother comes to help a romance develops with the professor? Again, we probably need something like this, which according to critics is a very well-made slice of sweetness, but in the end it’s nothing new and is yet another movie about a White person who rediscovers the meaning life thanks to the big-hearted brown people he encounters who lead a simpler, happier life not filled with books or higher learning. Oh, no. That’s what brings you down. I want to see this like I want to see another true story about a White teacher in the ghetto helping the kids. Let’s see a disillusioned Black man rediscovering what life means after spending a weekend with a rich WASP family in The Hamptons. Now that’s a movie!

I ONLY DRINK MODERATELY. GOT A CASE OF IT IN THE CAR.
Okay, let me clear up something right now. I do not booze it up with gangs of women every single weekend. Yeah, they’re having a boozy barbeque even as I write this, but notice I’m not there. I just couldn’t see myself getting drunk in Brooklyn on a Sunday night (not that Brooklyn becomes more likely on a Friday or Saturday night). Unfortunately, “I stayed sober” does not make interesting reading. That said, Chasing Amy was having romantic difficulty and I got the call. We started off at this great little Mexican place on Sullivan just above Houston. She was late, so while I stood outside and waiting, playing the Breakout-type game on my iPod, I had a semi-sad encounter with the woman who thought I was her blind date. If I’d know I was going to be standing there for half an hour I might have agreed to be “Tom.” The place was great and will now be our new “go-to” spot for starting a night of drinking. Aside from some nice kick ass drinks (East LA Margarita, baby) the food was good (so that’s what a taco salad is supposed to taste like!) and there was the additional entertainment of the group of Jersey chicks celebrating their friend’s birthday with a girl’s night out) and the bartender whose iPod was very 80’s Lite FM. Remember last week when I said Player’s “Baby Come Back” Ambrosia’s “How Much I Feel” and Paul Davis’s “I Go Crazy” were all the same song? Well, he played two of the three in addition to Ambrosia’s other two hits with some Joe Jackson and Ray Parker JR with Raydio on the side. Chasing Amy joked that if The Jets “You’ve Got It All Over Him” came up we had to leave. Sure enough it came up and I told the bartender to skip it or we were gone. We’d just ordered another round, so he complied. On the downside they close around midnight, which just sucks. So we began the bar hop down into SoHo, first at some place that was a bit Eurotrashy and basically playing the entire Thriller album. Some girl had her mom out or aunt out with them and while she was ready to party, when they left she was put into a cab so the girls could be free to be trampy as the purple suede pumps one of them was wearing would allow. Again, this pussy bar was doing last call around 1:00 am so we wound up at the wine bar nearby where our evening’s drinking was curtailed by an all cash policy and a lack of nearby ATM machines. When we finally left to go home who do we see but Purple Suede Pumps on Houston near West Broadway, and her galpal is making out furiously with some slightly butch blonde chick! No wonder mom had to go home! Couldn’t let her see where the night was really heading! I got home around 3 (strangely with hiccups I that continue to plague me). But I swear this rarely happens! There’s not a chick gathering, broken heart or visiting NJ housewife every weekend. I’d be dead or in rehab if there were. Of course now that Chasing Amy is single again, she wants to hit the streets, so by the end of summer that may change. Oh, Hung Ga Kung Fu, save me!

MUSIC BUSINESS COMPLAINT #4058920
Okay, this crap has bothered me since the 80’s, but now everyone is doing it and I will continue to follow the path I set in the 80’s: if I buy your fucking album, I’m not paying again for your celebrity filled remix of the single! That’s getting downloaded for free online, so suck it! You shouldn’t dick over people like that. Yes, I’m looking at you Maroon 5, who redid “If I Never See Your Face Again” with Rhianna, who oddly compliments the lead singer’s nasal whine quite well.

I’VE GOT MY OWN MTV
So, one of my bosses gave me a little gift packet for Administrative Assistants’ Day, which simultaneously helped to take the sting out of the sad fact that I’m once again an administrative assistant while reminding that I’m once again an administrative assistant. Nonetheless, she’s my favorite because not only does she remind me of Debra Messing, but she curses like a sailor, which always endears me in women. One of the things was an iTunes gift card and since it was money to burn I used it to buy something I normally wouldn’t: videos. The selection is odd and kinda limited on iTunes. How can you have Duran Duran’s “Planet Earth” but not “Girls on Film”? If you have nothing else by them, you have “Girls on Film.” Because I did get things like “If It Isn’t Love” by New Edition, “Every Little Thing You Do” by Christopher Williams, “Do Me Right” by Guy, “Poison” by Bell Biv Devoe, and other stuff with Jeff Buckley, Daryll Hall, George Michael’s “Freedom 90” (with real supermodels, goddamnit), the last two Wham videos and a total throwback to my youth, “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” with Elton John and Kiki Dee. I remember watching that on the fucking Midnight Special and Don Kirschner’s Rock Concert. If you don’t know what they are, well then run to the store and get grandpa his medicine and he’ll explain it to you.

DEMON ON WHEELS

1. Iron Man/Paramount Wknd/$ 50.5 Total/$ 177.1
2. Speed Racer/Warner Wknd/$ 20.2 Total/$ 20.2
3. What Happens In Vegas/Fox Wknd/$ 20.0 Total/$ 20.0
4. Made of Honor/Sony Wknd/$ 7.6 Total/$ 26.3
5. Baby Mama/Universal Wknd/$ 5.8 Total/$ 40.4
6. Forgetting Sarah Marshall/Univer Wknd/$ 3.8 Total/$ 50.8
7. Harold & Kumar Escape Wknd/$ 3.2 Total/$ 30.7
8. The Forbidden Kingdom/LGF Wknd/$ 1.9 Total/$ 48.3
9. Nim’s Island/Fox Wknd/$ 1.3 Total/$ 44.3
10. Redbelt/SPC Wknd/$ 1.1 Total/$ 1.2

CRAP YOU’RE BETTER OFF NOT KNOWING
Iron Man holds at number one and by now the “secret” is out that after the credits there’s a scene with Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury, head of S.H.E.I.L.D. the super spy organization of Marvel Comics coming to Tony Stark about something called “The Avenger Initiative.” Whee! Geek wood! If you know anything at all about Nick Fury, you know he doesn’t look like Samuel L. Jackson. David Hasselhoff actually looked more like him in that horrible TV movie. Well, a few years ago they created a second line of Marvel Comics called “Ultimate” where they restarted everything in a more modern environment. For example, Peter Parker isn’t a photographer but a kid who works on the Daily Bugle’s website and the Hulk is still Bruce Banner, but a result of trying to re-create Captain America. He’s also much more a monster, not only killing people but he also eats them. In this “Ultimate Universe” Nick Fury was drawn looking just like Samuel L. Jackson as an “in” joke, so when they started making successful Marvel movies the question was continually asked when or if Nick Fury would appear and if Samuel L. Jackson would play him. It makes sense that he would appear in an Iron Man movie because in the comics Tony Stark was one of the people who recruited Nick Fury to be in S.H.I.E.L.D. You know, it’s knowledge like this that kept me from dating in high school and it continues to take up space in my brain that most people use for sex and social skills.

HE’S GAINING ON YOU SO YOU BETTER LOOK ALIVE!
Speed Racer opens at number two and low expectations are the key here. Given the negative buzz that’s been generated by this, I wasn’t expecting too much, so naturally when it wasn’t utter crap, I had a pretty good time. I believe the key is video games. If you’ve played video games the non-stop multi-color assault is just another day. In fact the futuristic setting and warring cars are pretty much the type of game I used to play. This is another film in the style of Sin City and 300 in that nothing was filmed in the real world, but on green screen and added later. Of course the big flaw of these movies has been the story and while Speed Racer isn’t Shakespeare, it’s not supposed to be. It’s a family film with just enough language and violence thrown in to make a “PG” and avoid the “G” kiss of death that would kept a lot of teen boys out. The story is oddly big corrupt business vs. the small honest businessman, given that it’s coming from none other than TimeWarner. Speed Racer is apparently the last honest racer in this current-day-yet-futuristic world where all cars jump and slamming into one another to win is expected (no casualties thanks to a safety device that ejects the driver in a foam bubble no matter how spectacular the explosion). The film does a good job of translating a great deal of the series to the screen, including the infamous rally races across various environments---complete with the prerequisite stop in the middle of a race for a fist fight with the bad guys. First, Speed races on a futuristic track, then in a cross-country rally, which has a great car battle scene in the desert, to the “Grand Prix” (and there’s always a Grand Prix to win on Speed Racer) on another futuristic track that’s also part obstacle course. All the character elements are here as well. Kid brother Spritle (who talks like a kid from a 40’s Dead End Kids movie), chip pal Chim Chim, mechanic Sparky (who’s now Australian), girlfriend Trixie in her helicopter (played by Christina Ricci who always looked like an anime character with her big eyes), Mom & Pops Racer (Susan Sarandon and John Goodman in the role he was born to play) and Racer X who’s secretly Speed’s older brother (played by Matthew Fox). Even Inspector Detector is here. And for geek purists like me they even throw in Speed doing a few of his orgasmic “Ohs” and “Ahs while racing. And yes, he does the opening credits free frame when he jumps out of the car. Sorry, no Car Acrobatic Team. If anything the flaw is the very bland Emile Hirsch as Speed. It only makes you wonder what this would have been like if Johnny Depp had played him when this was announced years ago. Maybe he would have done him as Elvis, whom Speed was pretty much drawn as.

WHAT HAPPENS IN A LAME SCREENPLAY SHOULD ONLY STAY A SCREENPLAY
What Happens In Vegas is another place where low expectations come in handy, as this is a by-the-numbers romantic comedy. Expect crap and this barely competent production isn’t the worst way you can spend 90 minutes with a decent looking cast and at least one truly funny supporting cast member in Rob Corddry. Cameron Diaz is a type-A Wall Streeter who gets dumped by her boyfriend in front of all their friends and Ashton Kutcher is a slacker who gets fired by his own father. They both wind up in Vegas to drown their sorrows and get married while drunk. Annulment plans are disrupted when Kutcher wins $3M dollars at a slot machine and they are refused a divorce unless they submit to a court supervised marriage for six months. I think we know how this works. Opposites fight, then attract and over six months they learn to actually love one another. It’s not awful and I have seen worse, but what’s frustrating about this type of cookie-cutter movie is just an ounce or more of actual effort would have made it a decent film. Especially when Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher are not without charm or comedic skills. Though nothing can save you from a director with no visual sense whatsoever. You have to be particularly untalented to film in both Las Vegas and New York City and still make them look like studio sets. This director is one such person. I won’t even get into having a star couple like this and not giving us at least a PG13 sex scene. Nobody goes to the movies to see pretty people shake hands. But it’s not totally without humor and does have Rob Corddry who makes the most of his limited role as best friend (while Zach Galifianakis and Jason Sudeikis are totally wasted).

IF HE’S NOT SCOTTISH, HE’S CRAP!
Made of Honor is down to number four and another reason to dislike this movie is that they have the nerve to cast none other than Kevin McKidd in the Ralph Bellamy role as the guy who loses the girl, when anyone can tell you Lucius Vorenus does not loose women to fucking McDreamy! And take into account HE ACTUALLY GETS TO USE HIS SCOTTISH ACCENT! Yeah, this is bordering on science fiction. And do I have to point out that he’s only 3 years older than Michelle Monaghan, while McDreamy is a full decade her senior.

THAT GENE IS NO SLOUCH EITHER
Baby Mama is down to number five and also in this is Maura Tierney who is perfectly cast as Tina Fey’s sister. I say perfectly because that I adore them both. Granted not enough to watch Maura Tierney on e.r. (yes, it’s still on the air), but the impression she made on me as Lisa on Newsradio remains unaffected by time. That they would be sisters is pretty much a geek’s sex fantasy. Also, Holland Taylor pulls in front of Blythe Danner as playing the mom of the most stars, as she’s their mother in this.

EVERYONE IS WORKING BUT JOE PISCAPO…WHICH IS HOW IT SHOULD BE
Forgetting Sarah Marshall is down to number six and with a $50M box office, it could be the Apatow gravy train is finally coming to the end of the line having yet to double it’s budget. Also in this is Bill Hader and between this, Baby Mama and What Happens in Vegas you have no less than five SNL members in the top ten. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that you also have two sink peeing scenes and two instances of something being expelled from an orifice into a woman’s purse. Classy comedy, sirs. Classy comedy.

THE LAST REMNANTS OF SPRING
Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay is down to number seven, followed by The Forbidden Kingdom at number eight, and Nim’s Island at number nine.

WHAT IF GODDARD DIRECTED ENTER THE DRAGON?
Finally jumping into the top ten at number ten is Redbelt, which is looking like an action movie for pretentious pseudo intellectuals, all of whom tend to study martial arts at some point in their lives, usually during their “eastern culture phase” (which is just code for “trying to sleep with Asian women”). Redbelt allows them to get all the ass-kicking pleasure of an action film, while laboring under the delusion that it’s somehow superior to Five Fingers of Death, when we know that’s just impossible!

THE MAN WITH THE CHILD IN HIS EYES
So, after seeing Speed Racer I came home and broke out my DVD of the TV series and was initially surprised at how crude the animation was. In my child memory it’s as perfect as any Disney film. But, as I continued to watch I was actually surprised to see that the Mammoth Car still scares me a little with that weird noise it used to make and when it circled like a snake around Speed and Trixie, sending them to the bottom of Lake Icy Chill (no, I’m not making that name up) when they tried to jump free. It was long week to wait until they got out, but worth it when the Mammoth Car melted to reveal it was actually made of the stolen gold! What sucks about the DVD’s is that there is no set in the US, just 5 separate DVD’s and the fact that the movie didn’t go gangbusters isn’t going to cause one to be released. It sucks, because a set would probably top out at $30 and this is a total of $50. Is it really worth it for me to hear “Melange still races!”

SO MANY HEADS TO KICK, SO LITTLE TIME
Okay, so the votes are in and I’m surprised that the majority of you think I should just go back to swimming. Obviously you are trying to keep me fat, because even at three times a week of weight-training and swimming the gut would not leave. I was threatening to become one of those short guys who goes wide because he can’t go up. You also are trying to prevent me from being able to kick people in the head. This is what I’ve been missing since 1988 and what I sorely need every time some idiot says something like, “I liked Michael Keaton as Batman,” or “Ghost Rider was excellent!” Head-kickings needed, all around. My real friends would support me in this need to dispense justice. So, I’m going to roll with the number two choice, Hung Ga (not “gar” like I mistakenly wrote). But I’m going to wait a week to start mid-month so when they milk me for the uniform (it’d be cheaper for me to just buy my own gear, but they never let you do that) I’ll only have to pay for half the month.

BE CAREFUL, BARRY MANILOW
Death comes for easy listening of the 70’s with none other than Paul Davis or “ Cool Life” “’65 Love Affair” “I Go Crazy” (the song you probably confuse with “Baby Come Back” by Player and “How Much I Feel” by Ambrosia because they’re pretty much the same sentiment told the same way) and “Sweet Life.” Also Al Wilson of “Show & Tell” fame also passed and so did Danny Federici, the keyboardist of Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band.

IRONY

1. Iron Man/Paramount Wknd/$100.8 Total/$ 104.3
2. Made of Honor/Sony Wknd/$ 15.5 Total/$ 15.5
3. Baby Mama/Universal Wknd/$ 10.3 Total/$ 32.3
4. Forgetting Sarah Marshall/Univer Wknd/$ 6.1 Total/$ 44.8
5. Harold & Kumar Escape Wknd/$ 6.0 Total/$ 25.3
6. The Forbidden Kingdom/LGF Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 45.1
7. Nim’s Island/Fox Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 42.5
8. Prom Night/SGem Wknd/$ 2.5 Total/$ 41.4
9. 21/Sony Wknd/$ 2.1 Total/$ 79.1
10. 88 Minutes/Sony Wknd/$ 1.6 Total/$ 15.4

I GUESS WE CALL THIS “IRONY”? GET IT?
Iron Man opens spectacularly at number one and the only real surprise is how well this all turned out given what was initially the miscasting of Robert Downey Jr. as any kind of superhero. Let me put it this way: in the comics Tony Stark was supposed to be a take on , Errol Flynn. Then there’s Gwyneth Paltrow as Pepper Potts (in the sad tradition of Spider-Man a blonde was hired and her hair dyed red rather than just give some albino freak a job). It’s ironic that the unconventional casting is what makes Iron Man work. I personally would have cast 6’3” pretty boy Billy Campbell---and he would have been stiff as a board and awful. Though he claims to have based this interpretation on Howard Hughes, Downey pretty much plays the same character he always plays, mercurial and quick-witted and there’s the rub. That’s the secret to every successful superhero movie ever made: humor. Superman The Movie had a sense of humor about itself, though taking its story about a flying man from another planet in primary colors deadly seriously. The X-Men, while making an analogy between superpowers and homosexuality knew when to crack a joke. Batman Begins wisely used Alfred to get a jibe or two in. The Hulk, however never managed so much as a grin over its circumstances. Also, like Batman Begins (another movie about a billionaire whose fortune and misfortune comes from weapons as the Waynes made their money in munitions) this movie is mostly about the alter ego and when you actually hire a talented actor and get some decent writers (their last movie was Children of Men) the brightly covered suit is just icing on the cake. Continuing the Batman Begins comparison, this doesn’t flinch on the A-list cast. Between Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, Terrance Howard and Jeff Bridges (not to mention one uncredited super geek out cameo that comes after the credits SO STAY IN YOUR SEATS), there are no less than 8 Oscar nominations between them and they take their roles seriously which is why it all works. But Jon Favreau deserves a great deal of the credit because he comes through, even better than Christopher Nolan did on Batman Begins, because unlike Nolan, Favreau can do a half-decent action sequence---even if it is all just CGI and the climatic battle is stupidly set at night.

MADE IN HELL
Made of Honor opens at number and I love romantic comedies. I also love Michelle Monaghan. So you’d think Michele Monaghan in a romantic comedy would be perfect for me, right? Wrong. Like The Heartbreak Kid before it, I’d rather die than see Made of Honor. Maybe because I’ve unfortunately lived it, but the guy-in-love-with-his-best-friend premise just annoys me now. Mainly because saying you’re in love with someone who doesn’t love you is like saying you played tennis by hitting a ball against a wall. If you’re not interacting with the person, it’s not really love, just narcissism. It’s a fantasy that only exists in your mind, because if you’re not smelling their bad breath in the morning or their weird sex noises, it’s just not real. Also, it’s utterly selfish. It’s different if the guy is an ass, but when he’s great and she loves him, well then you’re just a dick. And he’s just a dick here. Finally, I’ just don’t dig Patrick Dempsey as a leading man. I so don’t dig him, I don’t want him to get back together with Meredith on Grey’s Anatomy. Hell, I even think the nurse he’s with is too hot for him. Not to mention it would be more interesting to see her dating. After all, it’s not called “McDreamy’s Anatomy.” And once again they’re supposed to be the same age when he’s clearly got a decade on her. But it really comes down to the premise, which makes it a “switch” that goes off in his mind that he loves her. To make this work, it’s got to be the unrequited love of years. And to make it more than just a crap movie cliché, he should sincerely try to be the best maid of honor possible and let her discover her feelings for him, instead of this bordering-on-sociopath “I’m gonna ruin the wedding because it makes me happy” bullshit. They openly admit this is pretty much a male version of My Best Friend’s Wedding. Well, you know what? That sucked too. I mean really, really sucked. But at least that had the novel ending of not forcing the characters together. I sincerely doubt this shit will be so daring.

NOT SO WILD, NOT SO CRAZY
Baby Mama is down to number three and also in this and remarkably free from all advertising is Steve Martin and usually when this is happens it’s not so much a case of modesty, but too much ego. Gene Hackman was missing from all promotional material for The Firm years ago because his contract stated that his name always come before the title (even on Superman this was the case), but Tom Cruise’s contract insists that he be alone above the title, so he opted not to be mentioned at all (though in the film itself his name comes after Tom Cruise’s and before the title). It could be Steve Martin has a similar clause and god knows he ain’t the star of this so you obviously couldn’t do that, so he gets nothing. But he is funny and it’s been a long time since I said that about him.

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE…
Forgetting Sarah Marshall holds at number four and also here from the Apatow repertory is Carla Gallo who was the female lead on Apatow’s TV Undeclared and pops up in his movies in what we’d politely call “ego free comedic cameos” while others may suggest it’s threatening to become a series of demeaning roles. She was the Toe-Sucking Girl who gets kicked in the face by Steve Carell in 40-Year-Old Virgin, the Period Blood Girl in Superbad and here she’s a one night stand who’d liked to be gagged (she had a non-slutty role in Knocked Up, but it was cut). She may have also had the infamous “Do the backdoor because all the johnnies go in front” line from Carnivale, but she can’t blame Apatow for that one (and it's still creeping me out). You have to wonder if she wonders why she couldn’t have the Kristin Bell or Mila Kunis role. I know I do. And god forbid he cast her in the roles he’s been giving to his wife. But at least she got this. Poor Monica Keena has gotten nothing and hasn’t been seen since playing E’s cheating girlfriend on entourage.

PUSSY. THERE. I SAID IT.
Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay is down to number five and there was a little interview with the writer/directors and some of the cast on Cinemax and apparently they were trying to set a record for most vagina ever seen on a mainstream film, apparently having hit every strip club in the south for women willing to do it. And they were specific about vagina and not just pubic hair, which is something that’s always bothered me. Until the Brazilian wax took over there was no true female frontal nudity. Men obviously show their genitals in frontal nudity but what women show is pubic hair. Until now. But can you imagine these girls telling their friends. “Hey, I’m in Harold and Kumar! I’m the third snatch from the left in the living room! Whee! I’m a movie star!”

GENRE FILMS
The Forbidden Kingdom is down to number six followed by Nim’s Island at number seven and Prom Night at number eight.

COUNT THEM OUT
21 is down to number nine and with 88 Minutes closing out the top ten at number ten they represent the alpha and omega of numerical movies. One’s a big hit, the other a sad failure.

BLONDE MUSIC
So, Madonna and Robyn both released new albums recently and I picked up one out of habit and the other out of genuine desire. Needless to say, the genuine desire was the better choice. I can’t remember much about Madonna’s new one except there were maybe two songs I liked. Madonna’s never been a true original, but at best she hopped onto something that was relatively new. Timaland, Kanye West, Pharell and Justin Timberlake are not relatively new. Everybody’s been there, done that and nailed it shut. She did better work with European dance producers. I actually found Britney’s last album more interesting to listen to and definitely a better club album. On the other hand I like pretty much everything on Robyn’s new one. It was called “Konichiwa Bitches” overseas, but sadly that title only remains as one of the tracks. Robyn was unfortunate enough to be a Swedish teen pop star two seconds before Britney, Christina and boy bands made it with Swedish pop tracks. Fate can be cruel that way. But “Show Me Love” and “Do You Know What It Takes” remains solid pop singles .

BOBBY’S BIG DOWNTOWN PARTY
The Tribeca Film Festival snuck up on me this year, so I didn’t get to invest myself in it as much as I’d liked. But even after looking over the movies I didn’t see anything that truly captivated me. None of my favorite directors from the past had anything new and a great deal of the bigger films (Speed Racer, Baby Mama, War Inc) were going to be released soon anyway, so why bother? My only real miss was Trucker starring none other than Michelle Monaghan. A lot of the documentaries seemed interesting, but I don’t watch documentaries. They’re like some well made broccoli; it’s really good if you eat it, but you never really want to eat it. Ultimately, I only managed to squeeze in two films in one day: Terra and Fighter.
Terra is an animated science fiction film set in the far future where a race of peaceful tadpole-like creatures find their lives disrupted by the last survivors of the planet Earth, looking for a new home. One of the Earth pilots crashes while pursuing one of the inhabitants and she takes care of him in order to find out why they took her father. Because it’s aimed at kids, he has a cute robot companion who instantly teaches her English and she just happens to an inventor who can help him repair his ship. Of course the pilot (voiced by Luke Wilson) realizes that it would be wrong to kill these inhabitants to save themselves, but it’s too late because the military has overthrown the civilian government of the earth-ark (which is women and minorities while the military leader is a white male) and plans on wiping them out by changing the atmosphere to breathable oxygen. The film actually gets better as it gets darker, because apparently the producers simply had no clue how to make this a straight-up kids film.

Ever see Girlfright the movie that made Michelle Rodriguez a star? It’s about a girl from the New York projects who takes up boxing and winds up in the ring against her love interest. Well if you ever imagine what that would be like with martial arts, then I’ve got a movie for you. Fighter is about a young Turkish girl in Sweden who is secretly studying kung-fu against her family’s wishes because it’s in a mixed-class and good little Muslim girls can’t be around boys. That she develops a flirtation with a guy in class doesn’t help. This becomes a problem when her brother becomes engaged and one of the friends of his future brother-in-law turns out to be a student and notices their connection. This leads to a food-fight-kung-fu battle between the two in the kitchen at the engagement party. No, I’m not kidding. If you were looking for your average gritty, slice-of-life story of immigrants in a new land, look elsewhere. This takes that story and adds a little over-the-top martial arts to it, with backflips and slow-motion gravity-defying leaps. It saves the film from being a depressing indie cliché, but it removes it too much from reality. It would have served itself better to be a bit more grounded (not to mention not forced so much use of the obvious Asian girl stand-in). And she’s just not good enough to kick ass the way she does in the climatic tournament (where she faces off against both her crush and the Turkish guy who betrayed her secret, naturally). But the characters are all well drawn and given depth. The father is shown to genuinely love his daughter, even though he forbids her to study martial arts. He’s afraid it will damage her future and he wants her life to be better that his. But when her study does, in fact jeopardize her brother’s engagement, he is unsparingly brutal to her (emotionally, not physically). I both fear and look forward to the inevitable American remake.

A LITTLE ART FILM WHOOP ASS
Redbelt was at the Tribeca Film Festival, but since it was opening this weekend, I opted not to kill myself trying to see it and paying $15 there. This was written and directed by David Mamet and I’m not a Mamet fan. Let me make that clear. Yeah, the dialogue can border on poetry with its rhythm and use of language, but it often threatens to become a parody of itself and women are usually no damn good. Plus, he loves con men and scams. He’s said as much. I hate cons and capers. I’d rather watch paint dry. However, a movie about a martial artist clinging to his personal sense of honor in a corrupt world appealed to me, so I caved and sure enough he still manages to get a con or two into it (complete with Ricky Jay and Joe Mantegna along for the ride). Sigh. Chiwetel Ejiofor, aka, Most Likely To Succeed Denzel, is a Brazilian Jiu-jitsu instructor in LA. One night lawyer Emily Mortimer stumbles into his dojo and when she accidentally shoots out his front window by grabbing a cop’s gun, sets the entire movie into motion. He can’t afford to pay his rent and replace the window so he goes to his brother-in-law for a loan, only to learn the brother-in-law failed to pay that same cop for bouncer work earlier, so there’s no bouncer. So when a movie star gets into a fight, he’s the one to break it up. The movie star then invites him to his house where he reveals a training technique he uses, which is then stolen by the promoters of a mixed martial arts tournament. A tournament his brother-in-law is part of promoting. That the movie star’s manager is also part of promoting. Using Mortimer, he tries to sue for the use of his idea only to find out they know all about the gun incident which could land them all in jail for covering it up, which ultimately leads to him bending his own code to fight for money. Basically, he is the only good man in a town filled with lying scum. Unfortunately the poster pretty much gives away the ending, but I have to say I’m impressed with Mamet going for a somewhat feel-good ending, where the good guy just whoops ass and comes out on top. By the way, the title refers to the highest level one can achieve in Japanese martial arts---which is why the Koreans made red belt the last stop before black in taekwondo, just to fuck with them.

CHOOSE THE DRAGON’S PATH
So my quest for a school is over. Not that I found anything, it’s just because I cannot do any more searching. I’m mentally exhausted from it all. My final scouting mission was at Shaolin Kung Fu Training Center, which I spied while leaving the Chinese Kung Fu WuShu Association a week ago. This was much better than NY Shaolin, but probably not as hardcore as that Shaolin Place in SoHo. The shifu (teacher) actually comes from the Shaolin Temple, which is why, three days later I can barely walk. I’m not exaggerating. My legs are literally buckling constantly under me and it’s not funny. Again, we’re in the west twenties, not twenty feet from Hung Gar Kung Fu, and a block away from both NY Shaolin and Chinese Kung Fu WuShu Association. This was more of a “sink or swim” mentality. I was just kinda expected to follow along with their routine with no explanation of it. And the low horse stance. That’s why my quads are non-functioning now. Constant low fucking horse stances. Didn’t hurt at the time. Didn’t really hurt too much the next day. Saturday, I was a fucking invalid. On the upside the workout is solid and after basics there were forms done and I got to learn the first part of one. But again, no name was given and not much explanation to it. But it was heavy on repetition, so it’s pretty much imprinted in my mind now. One huge, odd downside for me was that the floor wasn’t clean. I’m sorry, but how could your training hall not be clean? Isn’t that what new students are for, to sweep? This place had fucking dust bunnies and when we were made to run around for the warm-up our jet stream spread them around. That actually bothered me more than anything. Also, the instruction seemed a bit…distant. Like he knows he’s just selling his art to Americans who don’t give a shit, so he’s not really investing himself too much. You’d have to prove you want this to for him to really go that extra mile for you. So now what? I’m sick of going to schools to the point I’m thinking of rejoining Crunch (I found out if I stay a year, my job reimburses me at least $350, so that’s pretty much $30 a month off any gym I join). Okay, because I’m just tired of this, I’m going to let you people pick for me. Here are your choices.

NY Shaolin – Cons: Sloppy technique, crappy music played during part of the work out, instruction is cordial but non-explanatory. Pros: Asian instructor, only $50 a month, I’d probably be the best student in no time, I can walk home in good weather and cute blonde actress black belt.

Harlem Taekwondo – Cons: Distance, non-Asian instructor (which I know makes no sense considering my first instructor wasn’t Asian and was great). Pros: solid discipline, my old style and maybe in Harlem I’ll find a wife to make my family happy (even though the instructor is African and married to a white woman and they have a little carmel-colored son running around the dojang). $120 a month.

Hung Gar Kung Fu – Cons: New style to learn from the ground up, forms taught as a separate class. Pros: Asian instructors, solid discipline, good personalized instruction, basics every class, can walk home in good weather. $120 a month.

Alan Lee Wushu Kung Fu – Cons: Non Asian instructor, new style to learn from the ground up, tumbling exercises, crappy music played throughout class, no free trial class to actually experience it, only two classes a week allowed for beginners. Pros: Affordable, everyone looked top notch from what I saw, can walk home in good weather. $60 a month for the two classes

Shaolin Kung Fu Training Center – Cons: Training hall dirty, somewhat perfunctory instruction. Pros: real deal Asian instructor, my legs are still quivering three days later so you know the workout is solid, forms and basics every class and can walk home in good weather. $120 a month for two classes a week ($80 for one class a week and given my thighs, that might just be enough).

Premier Martial Arts – Cons: BLACK AND GREEN UNIFORMS! Though they claim taekwondo it’s actually mixed martial arts so nothing approaching traditional, which the hot chick in the shorts pretty much admitted to while doing her sales pitch. Pros: It’s only three blocks away so there’s no excuse not to go and the aforementioned hot chick in shorts. $75 a month.

OR - Chuck it all and go back to swimming at Crunch.

Cast your votes!