LOST CRUSADE

1. Indiana Jones 4/Paramount Wknd/$101.0 Total/$ 126.0
2. Prince Caspian/Disney Wknd/$ 23.0 Total/$ 91.1
3. Iron Man/Paramount Wknd/$ 20.1 Total/$ 252.3
4. What Happens In Vegas/Fox Wknd/$ 9.0 Total/$ 54.2
5. Speed Racer/Warner Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 36.2
6. Made of Honor/Sony Wknd/$ 3.4 Total/$ 39.0
7. Baby Mama/Universal Wknd/$ 3.3 Total/$ 52.1
8. Forgetting Sarah Marshall/Univer Wknd/$ 1.8 Total/$ 58.3
9. Harold & Kumar Escape Wknd/$ .9 Total/$ 35.9
10.The Visitor/ Wknd/$ .7 Total/$ 3.4

MORE LIKE A LOST CRUSADE
Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull opens predictably at number one and no this does not live up to the originals, but before we go to gazing at the past through rose-colored glasses let me point out that the two sequels to Raiders of the Lost Ark weren’t that great either. The second was a tremendous let down, beginning with Kate Capshaw as the female lead instead of Karen Allen and Last Crusade was essentially a remake of the first, only redeemed by the presence of Sean Connery as the father of Indiana Jones. So lets not pretend the bar was so high to begin with. But this doesn’t even measure up to them. First of all, the pace is…slow. Maybe it’s the age of everyone involved, but the action sequences seem to move at half speed. And the story…well, does it really matter? They’re all the same. Something old and mysterious is found that leads to a greater discovery of something long ago lost to history and when you find it booby traps and mysterious powers await you---much to the chagrin of the evil guy in a uniform speaking a foreign language next to you, ‘cause it’s gonna kill him. It’s nice that they don’t pretend time hasn’t passed and we’re now with Indiana Jones in the 50’s where the Red Scare is in full swing. Ironically the actions of the Soviets on US in this film pretty much justify those fears and I wonder if this occurred to them. We’re supposed to look down on the FBI harassing Indiana Jones after he is kidnapped and taken to Area 51 (yes, Indiana Jones was involved in Roswell), but the way Cate Blanchett and her little Red Army run around killing at will kind of backs up their paranoia. Sorry, but that’s a problem in the screenplay that should have been addressed. But don’t worry. They disappear and are never to be seen again, which is odd considering they might be a wee interested into why the Soviets invaded a US base, risking war. A straight laced FBI agent following Indiana Jones around couldn’t have been much any worse than Shia LeBouf as the motorcycle-riding, leather-jacket kid who joins Indiana Jones this time around. And I’m sure by now everyone knows he’s also his son. My own hatred of Shia aside, his character is a total failure. First and foremost, he’s not good-looking enough to be Henry Jones III. Sean Connery’s and Harrison Ford’s genes do not lead to this. Second, he’s supposed to be some 50’s rebel kid and that’s just not happening here. James Franco, who won acclaim and awards playing James Dean would have been better. But he’s an actor and never the same guy in every role he plays. Besides, Spielberg’s obviously on a mission to give the world it’s first dweeby Jewish hero and will not be stopped (he also chose Shia LeBouf for Transformers). It’s like if I made this movie and Indiana Jones’s son was some geeky black kid with glasses. Good casting or me working out my own fantasies/issues? I’ll probably buy this for my mom when it comes out this Christmas, but it won’t join the others on my DVD shelf. I have no desire to see it again, unlike Iron Man which will be on “repeat” in my house.

A HISTORY OF IRON 101
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, is down to number two, followed by Iron Man at number three and for those of you who dated in high school…and college…or at all, you probably wouldn’t know this but the character Terrance Howard plays, Rhodey, also winds up in a suit of armor one day. Actually, in the comics when Tony Stark succumbs to alcoholism, Rhodey takes over as Iron Man until Stark recovers. Then he goes on to get his own armor under the designation, War Machine, another armor Stark created for an obvious purpose. So there’s your clue to upcoming sequels and possible spin-offs. This comic book history moment brought to you by poor social skills and an overall hatred of humanity.

THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN
What Happens in Vegas is down to number four, followed by Speed Racer at number five and What Happens in Vegas has now out grossed Speed Racer. Ouch. Bear in mind WHIV cost $35M and Speed Racer cost $120M. Double ouch. And I’m still not sad, because the Wachowski Brothers needed humbling and they need a leash. They haven’t had one since the first Matrix movie and we know how that’s turned out. Some people, no matter how talented and brilliant need limitations otherwise they will just spiral off into excess and think everything that crosses their minds needs to be released (can you say Prince?). I think the Matrix sequels established they’re well along that path. They won’t have a blank check on their next film and it will be all the better for it.

BALLS = CASH
Made of Honor is down to number six followed by Baby Mama at number seven and Forgetting Sarah Marshall at number eight and this has grossed $80M worldwide, so while not up to the same level as Knocked Up or Superbad, the Judd Apatow gravy train of male arrested development (and you bitches who just don’t understand) continues.

WEED + BALLS = CASH
Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay is down to number nine and this has actually turned a profit already, but when you only cost $12M it’s pretty easy. This means you can count on a third film. I’m thinking they go into space like Josie and the Pussycats.

WHERE TALENT GOES TO DIE
And holding on to the number ten spot is The Visitor and am I the only person who saw this title and immediately thought of crappy old horror film from 1979 that had a great poster of an eyeball with evil claws? I never saw it, but it was a great poster. The movie starred none other than Glenn Ford, John Huston, Shelly Winters…and director Sam Peckinpah? There’s a 50/50 chance this could just be a home movie from a Hollywood old age home pawned off as a film.

ENTERING THE DRAGON
So we’ve finished our first week of Hung Ga kung fu and are five pounds lighter as a result. This is important because last weekend we topped out at 200 lbs. I’m 5’8”. No one that short should weigh that much. Yes, I know muscle weighs more than fat, but there are football players who are taller and weigh less and they’re not regretting giving their fat jeans to Goodwill! Chasing Amy briefly asked me if I would go to a wedding with her and not only could I barely fit into my suit pants, but to add insult to injury, it caused a small rip in the seat like fat guy joke in a movie. Thank god she reunited with her boyfriend and freed me from the obligation or it would have been a long night. Aside from the quick weight loss---which might have been helped by me replacing the gigantic bowl of Fruit Loops I normally eat for dessert with watermelon and snacking only on Turkey Bacon (a “Black Man’s Diet” if ever I heard one)---I’m also in a certain amount of pain. Most is to be expected from the underused muscles in my back, legs, arms, abs. But then we have the strange pain in places. Why does my stomach hurt on the outside? Oh, that’s right. From the exercise where we punched each other in the stomach. Why do my forearms hurt? Oh, that’s right. From when we slammed our forearms into one another’s. My palms hurt? Hand slapping exercise. The inside and outside of my thighs? From the exercise where your partner kicks you on the inside and outside of your thighs. Yes, all the torturous training you’ve seen in kung-fu movies is based in reality. At one point they even broke out the iron ring, though I was fortunate enough to have missed it this time. I’m just waiting for the day I walk in and have to carry a smoldering hot cast iron pot with my forearms so the dragon symbol can be seared into them. Of course when I signed up and coughed up the money I felt immediate buyer’s remorse, thinking I should have gone to the more familiar taekwondo, but that’s passed now. When we got a small history lesson at the end of one class I knew my decision was the right one, because that’s part of the “art” of “martial arts” and you don’t get that in a kickboxing class. Granted, this style isn’t big on kicking people in the head (low stances, low kicks, so I’ll have to do that on my own), but it was still the right way to go.

BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO RIDE THE GREAT AMERICAN VOMIT MACHINE
Aside from a good health plan and being two blocks from my house, my job unveiled another tremendous perk last week by sending the entire company to Six Flags (they’re a client). Now, I haven’t been to Six Flags in almost 25 years. Not since I briefly worked there in high school. But that’s what working some place does to you. You don’t ever want to go there again no matter what. People who work at McDonalds don’t want Big Macs and I’m pretty sure some ex-porn stars don’t see what the big deal is about orgies with midgets either. In any case, I suddenly felt a mad desire to ride rollercoasters, which was odd because I’ve never been a bigger, faster guy (as any woman I’ve slept with can tell you). I was never big to get on the hot new ride, but now I was making a list of what I wanted to hit and first on that list was none other than Superman. Superman straps you in, then positions you horizontally so you’re “flying” along the track as it takes you up and down and all around. I realized then and there I could have never become a test pilot. I wisely didn’t eat beforehand and my slight dizziness and nausea backed that up. Nonetheless, I followed that up with The Great American Scream Machine. Same result, but by the time I walked to Rolling Thunder I was fine. Only Rolling Thunder wasn’t working and the line I’d actually gotten into was Kingda Ka, the fastest, tallest rollercoaster on earth with a 45-story vertical followed by a four-story 270-degree vertical drop at 128 mph. I’d have gotten out of line, but then I saw women I worked with and they saw me and my penis swore it’d leave me for good if I wimped out then (and I’m sure talk around the office wouldn’t have been much different: “I heard he got out of line at Kingda Ka because his penis is really small!”). It was okay, but honestly, Superman did more damage to me. El Toro would have been next, but I wasn’t waiting 40 minutes to ride anything. This is how I wound up at my undoing: Medusa, which was the first “floorless” rollercoaster in the world, which means it was the first they eschew actual cars for it’s 14 story ups and downs and 360’s. After that, Runaway Train was a walk in the park and a bit dull. But even the walk over to Batman hadn’t cured my nausea. Nonetheless, I had to do Dark Knight because I thought it would be tied to the movie. Unfortunately, aside from showing Aaron Eckert as Gotham City District Attorney, Harvey Dent, it was pretty lame ride, like something you get in a local carny. But it was the final nail in my coffin. No Batman and no Nitro. My next ride was then the Ferris Wheel. Needless to say the free lunch they were providing was out of the question and after blowing $5 trying to win a Superman guitar, I bought myself a $5 Superman cape. That made me happy. I hopped on the first bus home, which took us through the Safari on the way out and I have to wonder if a lot of those animals belong in this climate. I’m pretty sure your average White Tiger has a problem with a New Jersey winter. But that’s it for me. I’m officially retired from rolllercoasters and one of the benefits of not having kids is there’s nothing on earth to get me back on one.

HERE TO TAKE ALL THE WOMEN
Celeb sightings are few and far between these days, but I have to mention I saw Gossip Girl pretty boy, Chace Crawford outside of Coppersmith’s on 9th Avenue. He’s barely 5’9” and was hanging with his buddies, none of whom were fellow cast members. And I have to say, I do think he’s straight. He seemed a little to male-bonding douchey to be gay.

YES, ALL WELSH SINGERS HAVE CHEST HAIR, EVEN THE WOMEN
Since Amy Winehouse is dead set on well, being dead we should cast our eyes on others, as England is having an apparently rush on 20-something chick singers right now, from Corinne Bailey Rae (whose dumbass jazz musician husband overdosed himself a few months ago) to Lilly Allen to the aforementioned Instrument of Self Destruction to the latest, Duffy. Duffy follows the path of Welsh White Soul blazed by Tom Jones. Because I’m old, I first read about her months ago in Blender magazine, but couldn’t find anything to download, legally or illegally. That’s hardly a problem now, but I did buy the album. If Blue-eye English girl soul is what you want, this is it. The up-tempo numbers are the best, so of course there’s only two or three of them, including the single, “Mercy.” The best song isn’t even on the US release and it’s called “Tomorrow” and sounds like something Tina Turner would have done in her 80’s comeback. It’s a free download if you buy the CD from Best Buy, but it’s a fucking WMA, which doesn’t work for me, so I just stole it online. Hey, I bought the CD! I had a right to it! Apparently some Black English soul singers are pissed the White girls are getting all the attention. Well, to be honest, English soul is really that soulful and all pretty much sounds the same, Black or White. R&B is American, baby, and don’t you forget it!