BACON ON MARS!

1. Batman: Dark Knight/WB Wknd/$ 43.8 Total/$ 394.9
2. The Mummy 3/Universal Wknd/$ 42.5 Total/$ 42.5
3. Step Brothers/Sony Wknd/$ 16.3 Total/$ 63.0
4. Mamma Mia/Universal Wknd/$ 13.1 Total/$ 88.0
5. Journey To The Center… Wknd/$ 6.9 Total/$ 73.1
6. Swing Vote/Touchstone Wknd/$ 6.3 Total/$ 6.3
7. Hancock/Sony Wknd/$ 5.2 Total/$ 216.0
8. Wall-E/Disney Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 204.2
9. The X-Files: I Want To Believe Wknd/$ 3.4 Total/$ 17.1
10. Space Chimps/Fox Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 22.1

YOU’LL NOTICE NICOLE KIDMAN GOT HER OSCAR AFTER THE DIVORCE
Hanging onto the top spot for the third week in a row is The Dark Knight and if you’re Katie Holmes, how much are you kicking yourself right now? Even moreso, how much are you kicking the middle-aged munchkin you married to advance your career only to see a career effort you made before him come to fruition on a level that’s going into the record books and maybe Oscar night? Apparently she missed that the majority of Nicole Kidman movies tanked. But while we all love Maggie Gyllenhaal to pieces (she’s a real New Yorker, born on the Lower East Side) she doesn’t have as much to do in this film as Katie Holmes did in Batman Begins and in fact she may actually have less. In Batman Begins, as Assistant DA she has the bad guys coming after her because she’s a threat to them. Here, The Joker only goes after Maggie Gyllenhaal to mess with Batman and Harvey Dent. And let’s not kid ourselves, even with her partial stroke victim face, Katie Holmes is still prettier than Maggie Gyllenhaal and this was pretty much a pretty girl role and a bit of a waste of Maggie’s talents. Christopher Nolan gave her nothing really to do but worry about the men who fight battles and be a victim who needs to be saved. So basically it’s like every other action picture out there in that respect. Told you it wasn’t perfect. And don’t get me started on Robin again…

KNOW WHAT ELSE IS IN THAT TOMB? YOUR CAREERS.
Narrowly missing the number one slot is The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor and this should have been all kinds of kick ass. I’ve enjoyed the Raiders of the Lost Ark-lite nature of The Mummy movies over the years and the thought of a new one with not just an Asian slant but with Jet Li and Michele Yeoh actually made me anticipate this. Needless to say, I was horribly disappointed. This will not go on my DVD shelf next to the other two and will join the ignominious history of lame second sequels. First of all, not only die Rachel Weisz pass on this, but director Stephen Sommers as well (though he is credited as a producer). You quickly realize he was the driving force behind the films, as he also wrote as well as directed. His replacement? Rob Cohen. The man behind The Fast & The Furious, XXX and Stealth. Yeah, that guy. The writing is even worse as it’s two hacks from Smallville. They piss poor imitations of all that you’ve seen before all the way down to Brendan Fraser running into an old buddy who can fly a plane for them. And it’s incompetent on every level. It’s supposed to 1946 and now their young son is fully grown, but not only is he no strangely longer blonde or possessing an English accent, but they can’t be bothered to try and age Brendan Fraser and Maria Bello a bit. Let me put it this way: Michele Yeoh is here as an immortal guardian and she has gray hair and they don’t! That’s how incompetent these people are. I love Maria Bello something awful, but accents are not her thing and whomever her dialect coach was, they’d be wise to keep this one off their resume. As the bad guy Jet Li brings enough presence to show why he’s a star, but also shows why he never really made it in Hollywood because he keeps picking crap like this. How sad is it that Romeo Must Die, his first Hollywood leading role is still better than most everything that followed? And it wasn’t that good! Basically, everyone is just here getting a paycheck. There’s not one moment of genuine inspiration on anyone’s part or enthusiasm from outside. You know how when a sequel comes out, they start running the originals on TV? When Indiana Jones came out, all the other movies were running nonstop on TV. When Batman came out they ran every single Batman film but the one with Adam West (a big mistake if you ask me, ‘cause it’s awesome). Even when The Incredible Hulk and Hellboy came out they ran the first films. Neither of the previous Mummy films much less The Scorpion King (which a bit of a prequel to the second) were anywhere to be seen this weekend. Bad sign.

SOPHIE’S CHOICE IS NOW BIG BILLS OR SMALL
Step Brothers is down to number three, followed by Mama Mia at number four and between this and Sex & The City women have showed a little muscle this summer regarding films that your average dude wouldn’t be caught dead attending. At the rate this is going, we’re coming up on $100M for a freaking musical, which never happens. But it warms my heart to see Meryl Streep raking in dough at this stage of her career. Oh, and while I was joking apparently Lindsay Lohan is plenty pissed over the success of this with her former co-stars as she couldn’t even get an audition for it. If it makes you feel any better, I sincerely doubt Meryl Streep is going to make a movie with Lacey Chabert any time soon.

MAY YOU ENCINO MAN LOVERS BURN IN HELL
Journey To The Center of the Earth is defying all expectations by actually holding at number five. Who are you Brendan Fraser fans and could you please explain his goofy-ass appeal to me!?! Okay, I enjoy Blast From The Past on cable when it comes on, but it derailed his career as much as it did Alicia Silverstone’s. The failure of Bedazzled didn’t help and the coffin was nailed shut with Monkeybone (which was destroyed by Chris Columbus who didn’t understand the director’s vision). Yeah, he was in Crash, but that helped whose career exactly? That movie is going to go down in Oscar history alongside Roberto Benigni winning Best Actor as a “What The Fuck Were We Thinking?” moment. And no, he’s not going to be in the GI Joe movie as Gung Ho as rumored. That means dick to me, but somewhere a geek just got a woody and potentially wet his pants.

THE LAST OF THE SWING SHIFT, SWING KIDS TRILOGY
Swing Vote opens at number six and given what a douchebag Kevin Costner is, let’s all enjoy that he paid for this with his own money. I was tempted to see this Capra-esque fantasy until I found out the running time is two freaking hours. This concept cannot stand up to two hours of scrutiny. It just can’t. A running time that long for an idea that slight means that it tries to probably legitimize itself with some needless drama and ultimately some tears. Again, anyone going to see a comedy about both parties having to kiss the ass of some dude who doesn’t care doesn’t want drama. And shouldn’t this becoming out in the fall anyway? Who the fuck wants to see an election comedy in the summer? Not that anyone really wants to see any sort of political comedy at all. Sadly, this might push him to make that Bodyguard sequel he keeps talking about.

WITHOUT SPIELBERG THERE’D NO HOME ALONE OR RUSH HOUR. ‘NUFF SAID.
Hancock is down to number seven and this was directed by Peter Berg who just stinks of a douche who imagines himself much more talented than he really is. Little does he know someone with genuine talent doesn’t rely on the camera tricks and stunts he never stops pulling. Actors-turned-directors tend to go in one of two ways. There’s the “Never Touch The Camera” sparse style, which is owned by Clint Eastwood, and then there’s the “Never Leave The Camera Alone” style epitomized by people like Peter Berg. It indicates a distinct lack of respect in the writing and sad need to let the public know the director is the real “author” of the film. What puzzles me is that none other than Michael Mann likes his ass and not only produced The Kingdom from last year, but also makes a cameo here in this film. Like Spielberg, he’s got shitty tastes in disciples.

AND THE SAME TALENTLESS FUCKER WROTE CRASH TOO!
Wall-E is down to number eight and any talk of this being nominated for a real Oscar because of a lack of contenders so far this year is both sad and premature. Also, it’s good, but it ain’t that good (it lacks a genuine bad guy other than human foibles). I’m gonna say it until I die: The Incredibles was the best film of 2004, period. Clint Eastwood and Million Dollar Baby can kiss my ass.

HOW CAN YOU BE FAMOUS AS A RAPPER WITHOUT A SUCCESSFUL RAP CAREER?
The X-Files: I Want To Believe is down to number nine and yes that is X-Zibit as the FBI Agent. Apparently pimping cars is done with. Too bad. That was actually a very entertaining show (I’m still in love with the yoga instructor they had on it once). But god knows this movie could have used a little “pimpin’ out.” May they’ll finally wrap up the alien invasion storyline in a made-for-DVD movie. It’s the fate they deserve for crapping all over their audience with this.

RULE #1: MONKEY FUNNY. RULE #2 PIGS ARE ALMOST AS FUNNY AS MONKEYS.
Finally Space Chimps closes out the top ten at number ten. And you know what really hurts about this? It dampens any chance of any other animals in space movies, specifically, that Pigs In Space Movie I’ve been waiting for all my life. Muppets In Space was just a cruel tease.

YES, I WILL GUSH AGAIN
So, my love affair with my bike continues as I slow start to pimp it a bit with new grips, a gel seat cushion (ah, my groin) and a water bottle and holder. I even installed hooks so I can hang it up like every other apartment dweller. Though in retrospect I shouldn’t have done that while drinking. Power tools and tequila don’t always end well. Still, I can’t get myself to cough up $75 for that Captain America jersey. My geek is weak today. Oddly enough, my friend Crazy Personal Trainer (crazy because she’s in great shape but still thinks she needs to lose weight and actually recently gave up sugar itself) tells me the reason I’m not necessarily getting any thinner despite doing something active six out of seven days a week is because I’m possibly not eating enough and because I’m doing too much. Can you believe that shit!?! You know what it takes for me not to lay on my ass and just eat for pleasure? I’m supposed to rest for two days and normally this would be easy, but when the weather is nice it now kills me not to get on my bike. I thought I’d get help from weather to stay in, but it rained only briefly on Saturday and by the late afternoon, the sun was out and drying the road. I couldn’t resist. I hopped on my bike and rode uptown, this time all the way to the George Washington Bridge (yes, I saw the Little Red Lighthouse). The view going up the west side is arguably better than the view going down to Battery Park, because while there’s no Statue of Liberty to be seen, there are also fewer and fewer buildings as you go up and by the time you hit the GWB there’s nothing on the Jersey side of the river to be seen but trees. It’s gorgeous. And I finally found out where the houseboat sits where Mickey Rourke took Kim Basinger in 9 ½ Weeks! I’m sure it’s not a surprise that once you pass 100th street the bicycle path isn’t nearly as smooth as it was before, because you know, the black and brown they don’t bike unless they’re delivering something so why should the city care? And you know how in every movie where they show people out jogging and rollerblading, it’s always these insanely perfect people, so you know it’s just a movie and those are just actors and models? You wish, because if I see one more guy with a perfect jawline and six pack abs jogging along with his shirt off mocking me with his manly perfection, I’m gonna hit him with my bike. And is there some rule that says “hot girls must rollerblade?” Yes, there are attractive women running and riding bikes, but the hottest are inevitably on rollerblades, which gives more substantive weight to Heather Graham’s role in Boogie Nights than I ever, thought possible.

ARE YOU READY FOR REAL SPORTS AGAIN!?!
You know what was on TV this weekend, right? Football. Pre. Season. Football. I’m sad because it means the summer is almost over, but this is the silver lining to that cloud.

JESSIE’S GIRL PROBABLY HAS A GRANDDAUGHTER NOW
Not that anyone will hear it, much less care to buy it, but Rick Springfield has a new album out (where he nakedly begs for a Victoria's Secret commercial). Why am I telling you this? BECAUSE HE’S ABOUT TO TURN SIXTY, THAT’S WHY! YOU ARE OLD!!!