LULLABY OF CLUBLAND

1. Paranormal Activity/Paramount Wknd/$ 22.0 Total/$ 62.5

2. Saw VI/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 14.8 Total/$ 14.8

3. Where the Wild Things Are/Warner Wknd/$ 14.8 Total/$ 54.0

4. Law Abiding Citizen/Over Wknd/$ 12.7 Total/$ 40.3

5. Couples Retreat/Universal Wknd/$ 11.1 Total/$ 78.2

6. Astro Boy/Summit Wknd/$ 7.0 Total/$ 7.0

7. The Stepfather/SG Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 20.4

8. The Vampire’s Assistant/Universal Wknd/$ 6.3 Total/$ 6.3

9. Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 115.2

10. Zombieland/Sony Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 67.3

GHOSTS HATE FRAT BOYS

Paranormal Activity jumps to number one and supposedly there’s a warning tale of sexism here because while the couple is warned about their haunting and the girl is terrified, the boyfriend disregards her fear and continues the tapings that make up the film. I think we know what happens to people who are warned not to fuck with the supernatural…

SAW XVI IN 2019

Saw VI opens at number two behind a movie that’s been out for over a month and is in a thousand less theaters. Are people finally turning away from the torture porn for a horror film that relies on actual skill? You wish. This only cost $11M to make and made $14M opening a week before Halloween. Imagine what it’ll make next week. Look for Saw VII next year.

AND NEVER EVER WHEN THE MOON IS FULL

Where the Wild Things are is down to number three and nope, I still haven’t seen this. Now that football has started I’ve pretty much lost Sunday as a movie day, because I just don’t go during the week. Or at night. Or on days with an “R” in them. Just kidding about that last one, but not that week thing.

TRULY HOOKIN’ A BRUTHA UP

Law Abiding Citizen is down to number four, followed by Couples Retreat at number five and Faizon Love must be a buddy of Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau (he was in the Favreau directed Elf) because there’s no other reason this fat non-acting bastard has this role which requires something requiring acting skill. Think of all the other talented Black actors who missed out on the “One Black Friend” role.

SIT IT RIGHT NEXT TO GODZILLA AS JAPANESE CONCEPTS WE CANNOT DUPLICATE

Astro Boy opens poorly at number six and this is one of the most famous anime characters of all time and if you don’t know that, well that says it all about why it opened the way it did. I can honestly say I’ve never really seen any Astro Boy cartoons though I’ve known about him all my life and always wondered what the hell was up with him running around in a pair of shorts and nothing else. He’s a little boy. Could you be more creepy? In any case, in the original story Astro Boy is a robot created by a scientist to replace the son he lost in a car accident (notice how he’s got no motivation to recreate his wife). When he realizes the robot will never replace his son, he sells him to the circus where he’s eventually rescued and begins his adventures fighting evil robots and alien invaders. One huge mistake the film makes is actually letting us meet the boy Astro is based upon, so we have to watch him die. Seriously. We see the kid killed. What. The. Fuck? Why would you do that? This only serves to place all our sympathies with his creator Dr. Tenma (voiced by Nicholas Cage). Then there’s the matter of how he uses a hair from his late son to build Astro, technically making him a bit of a clone, but this isn’t played up, which is also a mistake. Also, Astro Boy was an adventure manga and cartoon. He fought evil robots and aliens. Know who he fights here? The leader of the city who’s trying to start a war to get reelected. Yeah, exactly. Sure there are robots used, but it’s not the same. You need a real bad guy. Real bad robots. And for the luvva Pete, a cute gang of orphan kids? Really? Do we really need this still!?!

HOW NOT TO MAKE A CAREER IN ONE EASY LESSON

The Stepfather is down to number seven and the question is which Gossip Girl cast member will be able to use the show’s heat to their advantage? Well, judging by the performance of this film, it ain’t Dan, aka, Penn Badgley. But if he needs a warning about how not to make the most of a hot show, he’s got Sherry Stringfield here in the cast. Remember her from e.r’s white-hot glory days? She walked away from the show at its peak apparently for love---only to return a few years later, not that anyone was still watching to notice.

AWWWW, FREAK OUT

Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant opens at number eight and clearly not every book about a teenage vampire is going to take. First of all, where’s your teenage girl so they can long chastely for one another? I know nothing about this and like most people I’ve no interest in learning and honestly, playing up the teen vampire thing actually put me off. I was more interested in a kid joining up with a freak circus than that.

THIS WEEK ON ZOMBIELAND: GEORGE WENDT STOPS BY FOR A CHEERS REUNION

Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs is down to number nine, followed by Zombieland and believe it or not, this was originally pitched as a TV series. Seriously. Who the fuck wants to watch a zombie comedy week after week!?! So know there are built in sequels coming. Also in this is Amber Heard, who has apparently built a career on based on websites like TheSuperficial and Egotastic, because it’s the only place I’ve ever seen her name. She’s also “the girlfriend” in The Stepfather, so if you need an up and coming pretty girl to just be that, she’s your go-to right now. She must have been on at least one Maxim cover by now. Her one starring role was All The Boys Love Mandy Lane, which had a lot of buzz but never got a theatrical release.

WHAT THE YOUNG PEOPLE ARE DOING WHILE WE’RE WATCHING SNL

So last week I was hanging out in New Jersey with an ex-boss and this weekend I was hanging out with another ex-boss in final outing of her “I quit” trifecta. She resigned and arranged for multiple “goodbye” outings. Hell, she took us out for drinks just to tell us she was leaving. The first outing was for drinks at a Mexican place where sadly, I was the first casualty. How does that happen? Well, I’ll tell you how. First, I had no idea I’d be drinking that night so I couldn’t do my prep, which is usually a heavy, greasy lunch. Wendy’s has always been my go-to choice for before a night of drinking. But this time I had a very light lunch. So when I not only drank my tequila shot but the shots of a few other people (I remember four, maybe five) along with the margaritas I was drinking…it wasn’t long before someone was helping me into a cab and I was taking up my traditional slot wrapped in comforter on the hallway floor in front of my bathroom. It’s been a while since I’ve been that drunk. In fact, the last time was when I first started my job and again, it was tequila, my bitch goddess. I woke up 12 hours later, went to a movie, and then burned off my hangover with a bike ride. The next outing was a week later at a local bar on her official last day and with the memory of the previous outing still fresh in my mind, I drew the line at one shot and just drank from the “tower of beer” that we kept getting refilled. That’s when I discovered another problem: I can’t eat crap like I used too. The bar food which came in great quantities began to affect me almost immediately. Since when have nachos and wings and spring rolls been a problem? I tell you when: if they’re frozen and not fresh. A recent bad experience with frozen chicken pot pie has taught me that even though my diet doesn’t seem that great, it’s not packed full of preservatives like this crap and its effect on me was devastating. So I wasn’t the first to leave, but I was done by 9:00, which is usually unheard of. This final night out I did my prep with a nice turkey burger and soda from Lucky’s. As it turns out my now ex-boss was once married to a DJ and was quite the club hopper, so the final party was at a club called Rebel on 30^th street between 8^th and 9^th. We got in free and by “we” I mean me. With the exception of her nutritionalist and her personal trainer and his friend, everyone else seemed to bail because of the weather. I felt for her. When I’m your only attendee on a Saturday night, your party has truly failed. That said, the club was interesting. It was two stories divided into three spaces. The first space was the ground floor and they were playing more Depeche Mode sounding work, which was empty and remained so. On the mezzanine was a small lounge area and coat check. On the second floor were the two remaining dance spaces, the largest being the “house” room with a central dance floor surrounded by booths, one of which was ours, which was oddly next to a booth filled with a group of hearing-impaired people. Um, okay. I guess you can feel the beat if you can’t hear it. The "house" room had the largest crowd, but frankly I find that repetitive music boring as hell. But apparently you can dance to it and text at the same time, which made it clear I come from another generation. The final, smallest room was the hip-hop room, where we wound up because that’s the music my ex-boss prefers---along with her love of black men. Oh, yes. The things you learn while out drinking with co-workers. But that thankfully never applied to me because people (men and women) with a preference for Black men usually like them to be hypermasculine, borderline stereotypical. Professional athletes and rap stars. You know, like the way Madonna liked her bruthas. Not geeks like me. And basically once her nutrionalist left there she was in the hip-hop room with a bunch of black guys and at one point sandwiched between two of them on the dance floor. But she wasn’t the only one. There was another white girl there with her black boyfriend who pretty much lapdanced for her pleasure while she sat back sipping her drink. And then there was there was the white girl there in the mini-skirt and knee-high boots with her tall, gawky, crewneck-sweater-wearing boyfriend and when he stopped attempting to dance, she kept going---with the black girls who came in, much to their surprise, but they rolled with it because we tend to like white people who are very enthusiastic towards us. As much as I do enjoy the people watching it grows old without someone to do it with and since Chasing Amy had blown me off yet again, I packed it up around 1:30, which is pretty early as far as clubbing goes. I can’t remember the last time I actually set foot in a club, so it may be another million years before I do it again.

I FINALLY UNDERSTAND THOSE WOMEN WHO DON’T KNOW THEY’RE PREGNANT

I can be spectacularly obtuse at times, so when I began to feel uncomfortable in my clothes I genuinely had no idea why. Suddenly, my belt was hurting me, pushing in against my stomach. How? Why? These are the questions I asked myself…AS I MADE A BOWL OF MOLTEN CHEESE! Seriously, it never occurred to me that eating a cheese dip made from butter, white flour, whole milk and half-a-pound of cheese every week for two straight months would result in even more gut. My belt wasn’t suddenly pushing in, I was suddenly pushing out more. So this weekend there was no cheese dip. Nor were there frozen margaritas. And then the ultimate step: I rejoined a fucking gym which is why I’m just one mass of aching flab right now (if I don’t stop taking Advil I’m going to be like that girl on Grey’s Anatomy who took so much to work out it killed her) Yeah, I could have gone back to kung-fu, but I’m still not there mentally yet. My discipline is weak. I still need to be on my own schedule. Not to mention this is a lot cheaper (a third of the cost) and there’s a pool. I have missed the water more than kicking people in the head. Sadly, the beautiful pool set up at Crunch is a thing of the past. They were another recession victim so a pool on third floor with thousand foot ceilings and giant windows to let in the sun or see the stars is a thing of the past. Now I’m under fucking Worldwide Plaza in the basement at Ballys. Sigh. And if leave-nothing-to-the-imagination yoga pants were dangerous in the street, they’re going to kill me in the gym when I’m hoisting weights over my head. Lady, we get it: your ass is a thing of wonder. Can you put on some baggy sweats now? And raven-haired Russian girl in the pool? If you’re killing it in your little bikini (and you were) and the guy you’re talking to still won’t give you more than “I’ve been busy. I’ll call” then he’s just not that into you.

OCEAN’S 1

One thing I like about the shows on the USA Network is that they’re usually about smart people who are very good at their jobs but with a cynical sense of humor. Burn Notice and In Plain Sight are like this and now White Collar joins the group with an exceptional thief and con man partnered with the FBI agent who caught him. It’s very much fantasy fluff, but it’s the kind I like. Of course the only reason he breaks out of jail is for love. Of course when he’s told he had to buy his clothes at a thrift store he runs into Dianne Carroll donating her late husband’s designer wear to charity. Of course they fit him perfectly. Of course when he’s told he can’t live anywhere that costs more than $700 a month she’s got a room for him for just that much in her $100M mansion. Of course her beautiful granddaughter sometimes stays there. But the show is self-aware enough to have the FBI Agent be upset that all these things just managed to happen for him. The lead is best known to some of you as Bryce Larkin from Chuck and while I like Chuck well enough, I do prefer my heroes to be good looking and they don’t come much prettier than this guy and there’s at least one scene where he must show off his chiseled torso. But we all like a good pretty boy thief with their heart in the right place, going back to Cary Grant trying to clear his name in To Catch A Thief, to Robert Wagner working for the government in It Takes a Thief to George Clooney and Brad Pitt just plain old stealing in the Ocean’s movies. Plus, they have my great weakness: they clearly film it here in NYC.

WHERE THE TIRED OLD THINGS ARE

1. Where the Wild Things Are/Warner Wknd/$ 32.5 Total/$ 32.5

2. Law Abiding Citizen/Over Wknd/$ 21.3 Total/$ 21.3

3. Paranormal Activity/Paramount Wknd/$ 20.2 Total/$ 33.7

4. Couples Retreat/Universal Wknd/$ 17.9 Total/$ 63.3

5. The Stepfather/SG Wknd/$ 12.3 Total/$ 12.3

6. Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs Wknd/$ 8.1 Total/$ 108.3

7. Zombieland/Sony Wknd/$ 7.8 Total/$ 60.8

8. Toy Story 1&2 3D/Disney Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 28.6

9. Surrogates/Touchstone Wknd/$ 1.9 Total/$ 36.3

10. The Invention of Lying/Warner Wknd/$ 1.9 Total/$ 15.5

A LITTLE LESS WILD RUMPUS ON MY PART WAS NEEDED

Where The Wild Things Are opens at number one and I tried to see this but the Saturday morning screening I went to was actually cancelled. Not sold out, but cancelled! I tried again on Sunday morning, but this time I was betrayed by my body, which informed me that the past week of bad food and drinking was going to cost me more than the usual gut and man boobs and refused to let me get out of bed. So until I get to see it my favorite thing about the release of the movie so far is Maurice Sendak saying that any parent who thinks the movie is too scary for their kids “can go to hell!” And honestly, is anyone surprised? The book scared me as a kid, though I loved it. It would be incomplete for me to lack any anxiety of some sort.

RELEASING THOSE CRAPPY ALBUMS ISN’T HELPING, JAMIE

Law Abiding Citizen opens at number two and Gerard Butler continues to piss away his 300 heat in bad movie after bad movie and no, I don’t have to see this to know it’s bad. Butler plays some sort of former government agent getting revenge on the system for letting the murderer of his wife and child go free even though he’s already killed the murderer himself. Joining him in this downward spiral is Jamie Foxx, clearly set on joining those for whom winning an Oscar results in a surprised response due to how much overwhelming crap otherwise fills their resume. You know, like how Shelly Winters was at the end. He could blame Stealth on being pre-Oscar. This, not so much. And for Butler this comes barely two months after Gamer. You know what did make money? The Ugly Truth. $170M worldwide from a $38M budget, so look out, Matthew McConughey, someone’s coming for your B-List “lovable rogue changed by the love of a good woman” romantic comedy throne.

YEAH, I KNOW WHAT I SAID TO GERARD BUTLER, BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT

Paranormal Activity jumps to number three and my feelings on this are clear. It looks scary. I will not see it. But I want the stars of this to grab as much work thrown their way as humanly possible. You know the people from The Blair Witch Project wish they had.

SWEET CHARLOTTE

Couples Retreat is down to number four and did I mention how much I loved Kristin Davis finally being allowed to play sexy? Not to mention the tropical setting requiring a wardrobe made up of bikinis? Well, I did. It’s flat out my favorite part of the movie. Even though her being married to Jon Favreau is a bit of a stretch for me. First that troll on Sex & The City and now this? When does she get the dude as hot as she is? Though I must admit it makes a little more sense once we’re told he was the high school football star and she was a cheerleader and they got married because she got pregnant. But don’t bother looking for those scenes in the trailer where they cheat on each other. They were cut. One nice touch is that their daughter is a hottie, which is what you expect from any child of Kristin Davis.

CLEARLY THE RESULT OF STEPMOTHERS TIRED OF BEING VILIFIED

The Stepfather opens at number five and this is remake of a very creepy little movie about a guy who starts killing people if his family isn’t perfect. It’s clearly been remade as a teen “stepdad from hell” flick starring Dan from Gossip Girl, instantly making it more appealing to one group and less appealing to another. I had no interest in the original and I don’t have any interest in this one.

EVEN BETTER IF THEY INCLUDE A ZOMBIE DANCE NUMBER

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs is down to number six, followed by Zombieland at number seven and what the hell is Abigail Breslin doing in this!?! If you tell me she’s a zombie, I may have to reconsider my decision not to see it. Zombie Little Miss Sunshine would be a must-see.

BECAUSE GOD FORBID THEY CAST AN OLDER WOMAN

Toy Story 1&2 3D is down to number eight, followed by The Surrogates at number nine and also in this is Rosamund Pike, better known as Miranda Frost, the traitorous cold-but-sexy agent from Die Another Day. She plays Bruce Willis’ wife and while she plays her age as a robot, they age up her human appearance so she can appear to be as old as Bruce Willis, whose robot self is de-aged with special effects, so he can simply play his age as himself. Everybody got that?

THE END

Finally, The Invention of Lying closes out the top ten at number ten.

NO NICE & SMOOTH EITHER? DAYUM.

VH1 Hip Hop Honors was devoted to Rick Rubin and Russell Simmons, aka, Def Jam and it’s easily the most consistently entertaining Awards show, because it’s all about performances (i.e, no speeches), but you could feel the energy level drop when it switched from the older stuff to the later and despite all claims to the contrary, as Def Jam became more successful, the work became slicker. And where the hell were Reverend Run and DMC? Yeah, the ultimate irony is that one of the greatest rap acts ever wasn’t on the greatest rap label even though they were brothers, but still, how could they not at least be there or be interviewed? And those Tracy Jordan comedy bits just sucked and we could have sacrificed them totally to have Oran “Juice” Jones sing more than just a few bars. And where was Slick Rick!?! Hello!?! It should have gone from Slick Rick’s “Bedtime Story” and segued into Montel Jordan’s “This Is How We Do It.” Not to mention 3^rD Bass is sitting in the audience right behind Rick and Russell and don’t get so much as a mention. And even though I entered NYU in 1984 at the same time Rick Rubin started the label, I tell myself that it was before I got there in the fall. I mean, the only time I even went to the hellish Weinstein Dorm was to eat breakfast and try to talk to a talk Greek girl on the fencing team. I only succeeded in getting breakfast. I’d rather not think I missed out on both booty and the opportunity of a lifetime. It’s like saying you were in Liverpool in the 50’s never seemed to run into The Beatles or in Paris in the 30’s but missed the whole expatriate thing with F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemmingway.

WOULD YOU LIKE A LITTLE DINNER WITH YOUR WINE?

So, I actually went to Hoboken to have dinner with my ex-boss (no, this doesn’t mean I’ll come to Queens for you). And by dinner, I mean killing a bottle of wine while trying to decide what we were going to eat then taking another to dinner (where they turned it into sangria) with us because apparently BYOB is very common in Hoboken. I liked my ex-boss from the first moment I met her because of three main reasons: 1) she cursed like a sailor, 2) clearly thought the first two or three buttons of every blouse were merely decorations as she never used them and 3) kinda looks like a cross between Debra Messing and Ellen Pompeo (Meredith Grey to you). She’d actually heard the Debra Messing comparison before and attributed it them both being tall, loud Jews. She also had a great fashion sense, occasionally rocking some of her mother’s clothes from the late 60’s early 70’s. She even told me she’d just bought a few pairs of flat boots because they were making fun of her at her new job for always wearing stiletto boots, which make her around six feet. We’d never really hung out before, but once out at a local Mexican place, she pretty much confirmed being like all the other women I know who suffer no fools gladly---especially jocky frat boys like the table next to us, which was filled with them. The irony being, during her college days, that’s who she dated, being a jock herself. Well, as much of a jock as you can be in Canada. What? What’d I say? By the end of the night we’d pretty much finished three bottles of wine so I was semi-left to my own devices to get home. She had no idea when the bus ran that had brought me out, so basically called a cab and told me go wait outside for it despite having mentioned she still felt Hoboken was a bit dodgy. I didn’t get that feeling, but then again, I was a black guy in a black leather coat. Who’s a threat to me in fucking Hoboken? My cab just drove past me and after waiting for a few minutes, I realized he wasn’t just circling the block. I walked back over to Washington Street, which is the main thoroughfare, and waited a few more minutes to see if the bus was going back into the city so I could use my round trip ticket. It wasn’t, so I took the number off a passing cab, called one for myself and had it take me to the PATH train where I went against the flux of delusional people coming back from the city, valiantly trying to convince themselves that living there was just as good as living in Manhattan. No. No, it isn’t. You’re all losers.

NOT THAT I DON’T HAVE EXCELLENT TASTE
There are a many great things about shopping in New York, but one that strangely goes unmentioned is the unsolicited opinion of gay men while shopping alone. Seriously, when faced with a decision and without a friend to turn to, whatever would we do without the eyerolls, snickers and flat out mockery of total strangers and their boyfriends? Of course the downside is some of your more extravagant choices which should probably kept to yourself will be encouraged, because these aren’t people known for moderating or suppressing one’s true self. I think that’s how I got my pirate-Jesus shirt, which I threw in the goodwill pile last week after not wearing it for two years. And the beautiful, beautiful butter-soft tan leather trench I was trying on despite it being a size too small, was endorsed by a diminutive Latin man who told me, “If I could wear that color, I would get it.” I got it again Just last week I was in Old Navy looking for something to wear while working out in the cold weather. I was trying on a golden performance fleece top (I’ll be wearing it at night while riding, so the brighter the better) and was a little worried about whether or not the size was right when I noticed two old queens easily in their 60’s behind me in the mirror smiling. I turned for judgment and was told that I looked great in and should buy it. So I did. Now that I no longer have my shopping buddy, these moments are more important than ever.

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WHAT ABOUT THE JEWFRO?

1. Couples Retreat/Universal Wknd/$ 35.3 Total/$ 35.3

2. Zombieland/Sony Wknd/$ 15.0 Total/$ 47.8

3. Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs Wknd/$ 12.0 Total/$ 96.3

4. Toy Story 1&2 3D/Disney Wknd/$ 7.7 Total/$ 22.7

5. Paranormal Activity/Paramount Wknd/$ 7.1 Total/$ 8.3

6. Surrogates/Touchstone Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 26.4

7. The Invention of Lying/Warner Wknd/$ 3.4 Total/$ 12.3

8. Whip It/FoxSearchlight Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 8.8

9. Capitalism: A Love Story Wknd/$ 2.7 Total/$ 9.1

10. Fame/MGM Wknd/$ 2.6 Total/$ 20.0

SWINGER’S RETREAT

Couples Retreat opens at number one and this is actually the latest collaboration between Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau going back over a decade now to Swingers, through mainstream fare like The Break-Up and indie work like Made. They’re listed as two of the writers on the film, but I’ve got to think that’s a loose term, because it’s more of their routine where they’re essentially riffing on one another. There’s a third writer listed but maybe they needed a fourth because this is as generic and incomplete as it gets. I hate to break it to you, but you’ve seen the funniest bits in the trailers. Nothing is better than that and it rarely rises above made-for-tv-fare and in fact this is yet another Lifetime/Oxygen movie that has escaped into the wild and picked up some bigger stars on the way to the big screen. Four couples go to a couples therapy vacation retreat for the benefit of only one, when in actuality, only one doesn’t needed therapy. Now, the irony of this should have been the central factor of the film, but it isn’t. A Lifetime/Oxygen movie would have actually dealt somewhat with the fact that some couples do actually need help because if you want a happy ending there needs to be a journey. There is no journey here. Just one night and suddenly all problems are fixed in the most clichéd fashion possible. Also the casting doesn’t help, as all the women are uniformly beautiful while the men…not so much. Malin Ackerman’s Cameron Diaz-done-better looks with the bloated Vince Vaughn? I think not. Kristin Davis was always the prettiest member of the Sex& The City crew and here she’s finally playing up her sex appeal (Charlotte’s body with Samantha’s mind) but you’re just not buying her married nearly 20years to everyman Jon Favreau. Even Jason Bateman who might have been a proper match for Kristen Bell WHEN HE WAS HER AGE A DECADE AGO! Sorry, but we’re supposed to believe they are contemporaries when he’s clearly much older? You can’t help but think maybe their age difference has something to do with their problems. And you’re just not buying Faizon Love’s fat ass with anyone.

THE OTHERS

Zombieland is down to number two, followed by Cloudy After A Chance of Meatballs at three and the 3-D Toy Story double feature at number four.

THE HOME VIDEO MONSTER PROJECT

Paranormal Activity finally enters the top ten at number five and this is one of those horror films done in documentary style which can be horribly effective and apparently it is which means I’ll never see it. Just reading the spoiler summary screwed me up for a bit. It’s pretty much the account of a couple who experience strange activity in their house and the guy decides to tape them sleeping to see what he captures. It’s downhill for them from there. But by the same token, these types of films can also fail utterly and you’re just sitting there bored senseless fighting nausea. It’s your dime. I’ll never see it. Ever. Same way I’ve never seen The Blair Witch Project, which this is being compared to.

UNFORTUNATELY NO ONE GET MEDIEVAL ON ANYONE

The Surrogates is down to number six and is this really the first reunion of Bruce Willis and Ving Rhames since Pulp Fiction? How sad is that?

SHE HAS A BAND BUT THE LESS SAID THE BETTER

The Invention of Lying is down to number seven, followed by Whip It at number eight and you’d think a hip little indie-type comedy like this would use some jangling guitar rock from a band you’d never heard of for its montage training sequence, right? Well, maybe if your director isn’t pushing 40, because here you get nothing less than .38 Special’s “Caught Up In You.” Speaking of pushing 40, also in this is Juliette Lewis who has pretty much been playing the same role for the last 15 years (some oddly feral child-woman), and this is no exception. And honestly, she’s not really acting. This is pretty much who she is. And remember, she once dated Brad Pitt and when it was over, he was the one left pining. Makes sense. Crazy people usually are better in bed.

THE END

Capitalism A Love Story drops to number nine, followed by Fame closing out the top ten at number ten and remember the Fame TV show that came after the movie with a lot of the cast strangely hanging around a high school? I was initially interested because I had a thing for Lori Singer, but when they broke out into a song in the middle of a music store, (which may have been episode one) I knew I was done. I expected singing, but that was a bit too much for me. And we won’t even discuss Fame LA.

DO I REALLY HAVE TO EXPLAIN NAPPY TOO?

Good Hair doesn’t break the top ten and probably deserves to more than anything Michael Moore has done, because regularly demonstrating his moral superiority isn’t a part of Chris Rock’s agenda. “Good hair” is actually a phrase used in black culture to designate hair that is more “white” or “European.” It’s a sad statement of self-hatred used till this day. It’s even how my sisters describe my hair in comparison to their own (and one of my sisters does hair). The documentary explores the hundred million dollar industry behind the desire of Black women to have so called “good hair.” It doesn’t go very deep, but then again, you don’t expect it to. It’s Chris Rock and he’s not going to go for deep explorations in sociology at the expense of a laugh. Still, it’s odd in how it overlooks well-known facts, like how the first Black millionaire in America got that way selling hair products for this very purpose. I mean, isn’t that a given? Also, where are the A-list celebrities? We see pictures and videos of the megastar Black women who are clearly on the same track, but why weren’t they interviewed? Where’s Beyonce and Tyra? The movie builds itself around a hair company convention which includes a competition and while interesting the competition between the hairdressers has nothing to do with the central topic and ultimately is a waste of time that should have been spent exploring other topics such as one that pops up in the last seconds of the film: that white women also use weaves. The quest for an idealized type of hair is not something limited to the Black community (there’s zero mention of taming the Jewfro). Even Asian women who regularly sell their hair go through unnatural processes to achieve something that just doesn’t exist in nature. Given that Asians pretty much control the weave market that should have been an interesting piece of irony. Nonetheless, the interviews with everyone from Ice-T to Mya Angelou (who kept it natural until she was 70) are interesting and amusing (learning that the asymmetrical haircut trend that Salt & Pepa helped originate in the 80’s was a result of a bad perm was hysterical). Nia Long also stands out for her brutal honesty and Ice T for being as funny as hell.

IF YOU NEVER REALLY UNDERSTOOD WHY JOCKS GET THE GIRLS…

ESPN released what it calls “The Body Issue” (as if we needed another magazine to help us feel worse about ourselves) apparently having noticed that for the past decade In Style has had a successful issue built around celebrity nudity, as has Allure and for a million years Playboy has made money on nude celebrities. They’re a little better than other magazines as they only use actual athletes in various forms of undress. Serena Williams should never stop sending them thank you notes because she’s never looked more feminine and who knew a frigging jockey could be cut. But the absence of well-known bodies like Terrell Owens and Dana Torres (who are constantly pretending to be carved out of marble) is odd. But it’s not all pretty. They have a section on the cost of being the best with the damage it does and I could have lived without ever seeing the salt water-cracked heels of surfer Laird Hamilton or the dislocated fingers of wide receiver Torry Holt.

AND I HEAR THERE’S SOME THEATER AND MUSEUMS HERE TOO

Toby Lightman played at our offices in a minor fund raiser for Breast Cancer Awareness month and while I wasn’t all that impressed with her touchy-feely, made-to-play-on-Grey’s-Anatomy music (she does a decent cover of Mary J’s “Real Love” that you can find on YouTube ‘cause god knows she didn’t play it for us), I did enjoy seeing live music again so soon (it was Phoenix in Central Park a few weeks ago) and may have to try and make this habit given I live in one of the music centers of the freaking world.

OH, AND I HATED KRAMER TOO

I loved Seinfeld when it was on the air, but I hated George. I hated George so much there are episodes I’ve never seen because I just couldn’t stand looking at him. Needless to say, this means I’m no fan of Curb Your Enthusiasm, which is pretty much “The George Costanza Show” as creator Larry David was the basis for George. In fact, it’s a running gag on the show that he gets offended when actor Jason Alexander (who played George) talks about what a loser George was. Nevertheless, given I’m using the free month of HBO and Cinemax, I decided to check out the “Seinfeld non-reunion” episode---where I fast-forwarded it anytime there wasn’t a Seinfeld cast member onscreen, because I just. can’t. take. it. He’s so goddamned annoying to the point I can’t find it funny. But in his meeting the Jason Alexander they did use the joke again about George being horrible and annoying which made me smile.

I’M A GEEK WITH A PROBLEM

Superman/Batman: Public Enemies is yet another DC Comics direct-to-video release done in the actual style of the comic. Now, this is an idea that took waaaaay too long to happen when it should have been common sense, however, it’s a lousy, lousy storyline that they chose to use. It centers of Lex Luthor somehow becoming addicted to a drug with kryptonite in it and Superman and Batman being hunted by the government using other superheroes. It’s stupid and unbelievable even by comic book standards. If you must appease some kid or your curiosity, rent it or get it used. Of course I bought it first day, but I’m a stupid geek.

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FIGHTING SEA MONSTERS FOR THE THIRD SPOT

1. Zombieland/Sony Wknd/$ 25.0 Total/$ 25.0

2. Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs Wknd/$ 16.7 Total/$ 82.4

3. Toy Story 1&2 3D/Disney Wknd/$ 12.5 Total/$ 12.5

4. The Invention of Lying/Warner Wknd/$ 7.4 Total/$ 7.4

5. Surrogates/Touchstone Wknd/$ 7.3 Total/$ 26.4

6. Whip It/FoxSearchlight Wknd/$ 4.9 Total/$ 4.9

7. Capitalism: A Love Story Wknd/$ 4.9 Total/$ 4.9

8. Fame/MGM Wknd/$ 4.8 Total/$ 16.6

9. The Informant/WB Wknd/$ 3.8 Total/$ 26.6

10. Love Happens/Universal Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 18.9

JUST DO ANOTHER TV SERIES ALREADY. YOU’RE NOT A MOVIE STAR.

Zombieland opened at number one and I’m utterly lacking in any interest in this. I just don’t get the whole zombie thing, even as a joke. From Pride & Prejudice and Zombies (yes, Pride & Prejudice re-written with zombies in it) to Marvel Zombies (Spider-man, Captain America, The Hulk, etc all become infected zombies and eat everyone on the planet) it’s become quite popular and I just. don’t. get it. Vampires I get, because they’re scary and sexy. Even werewolves, I get because we all embrace the beast within. But zombies? They’re dead, they’re rotting, they tend to eat you. What’s the appeal? Casting Woody Harrelson doesn’t help your case much either. Were Matthew McConughey and Josh Lucas too busy? I can’t imagine with what. Not that it would have changed my reaction, but you know either of them would have loved to have had a number one film where the real star wasn’t the woman next to them…not that Woody Harrelson has even had that in a hundred years.

LET’S GO TO THE NUMBERS

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs is down to number two and don’t be fooled by this seeming success. It cost $100M and has yet to make budget even though it was in the number one slot for two straight weeks. It’ll probably get it from home video, but for now it’s nowhere near being profitable.

HOW MANY TOYS DOES THIS KID OWN TO MAKE THIS MANY MOVIES?

Toy Story 1&2 3D opens at number three, but don’t kid yourself. It’s the fact that the trailer for Toy Story 3 was part of this that did it. Had I remembered this was even out I might have seen it too.

STILL ALIENATING MYSELF FROM MY PRETENTIOUS PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL PEERS

The Invention of Lying opens at number four and you know what else I don’t get? Ricky Gervais. Yes, I’m one of those people. Well, I get him, but simply don’t care for that type of awkward comedy that’s about people being embarrassed or acting stupid. I’ve never sat through more than two seconds of either version of The Office. I made it through a few minutes of Extras years ago just to see Kate Winslet talk dirty (and it was that prophetic episode where she was doing a holocaust movie because she wanted an Oscar) but that’s about it. Still, if you recast this with Hugh Grant in the Ricky Gervais role and I’m there. Otherwise, I’m sleeping in. And only opposite Ricky Gervais is Jennifer Garner the hot girl. Yeah, I said it.

WHATEVER THE OPPOSITE OF HIGH ART IS IT LOOKS LIKE THIS

The Surrogates is down to number five and also in this is my beloved Radha Mitchell as Bruce Willis’s partner who really doesn’t do much. She’s his partner who really doesn’t have much of a character beyond her name. Guess how that works out? This was clearly a “for the money” role for her as she normally goes indie and rightly so. High Art is still a great film and I could watch it at the drop of a hat.

NO, THE DEVO SONG DOES NOT MAKE AN APPEARANCE

Whip It opens at number six and this is very much a girl power movie, but that’s not a bad thing. A teenage girl in small town Texas, frustrated by the beauty pageants her mother puts her in, blossoms when she joins the women’s roller derby in nearby Austin. She also meets a cute boy in a band (it is Austin). And that’s it. But it’s nicely done and a lot of fun. It’s very pro-girl as even the bad girls in the roller derby really aren’t that mean and are less cutthroat than the beauty pageant contestants, and even they aren’t that mean. I mean, the “rumble” between rising derby star, Ellen Page, and established star, Juliette Lewis, results in a food fight. But what could you expect from director Drew Barrymore (though Demi Moore might call bullshit on this given how both her and Cameron Diaz threw her under the bus for the disappointing returns of the Charlie’s Angels sequel)? I’m mean, her character is a clerk at Whole Foods during the day. I think that says it all. And yeah, I said “director.” She’s been producing her own films since Never Been Kissed and also Donnie Darko, but now she’s calling the shots and she thinks grrrl power is cool! But is it really so strange that people, not just women would feel a unity in their fraternity that they could be rivals but not crabs on each other’s backs?

THE WANT OF MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL!?! YOU DON’T SAY!?!

Opening at number seven is Capitalism: A Love Story and it looks like another “duh-umentary” from Michael Moore like his others where the government lies (duh), guns are bad (duh) and insurance companies don’t care about you (duh). This one investigates how bankers are evil. Say it with me: “Duh.” But my biggest obstacle remains Moore himself. He’s an asshole. I don’t care if you’re an asshole on my side, you’re still an asshole. Being right doesn’t give you the right to be a dick about and if anything obligates you not to be.

A BASIC INSTINCT FOR DANCE

Fame is down to number eight and I still haven’t made it to this because quite frankly, my Sundays belong to football and you have to be pretty important to get me to overlook that that and this just doesn’t qualify, not even with Karen from Will & Grace also in as one of the teachers. But does anyone look a that little blonde dancer in all the commercials and wonder if Sharon Stone knows they took a little of her DNA to make her

THE END

The Informant is down to number nine, followed by Love Happens closing out the top ten at number ten.

I’M A GIRL WATCHER

One of the reasons Chasing Amy and I go out is mostly to watch other people. Yeah, eating and drinking is a big part of it (especially drinking), but so is people watching. Saturday night we were in a Mexican place in her neighborhood and sat next to a table filled with 20-something girls who were celebrating the birthday of the one who was clearly the most attractive. At one point they were discussing someone not present who’d apparently sent her ex a picture of her ass saying, “Do you miss my ass? It misses you smacking it.” See, I never meet girls like that. Well, I do, but they insist on becoming my friends and it’s really goddamned annoying. But the cherry on top of this was when we were leaving and passing their table. I was used the opportunity to check out the pretty girl…while the pretty girl used the opportunity to check out Chasing Amy’s ass. Yet another warm, wonderful New York moment.

TOP TEN REASONS HE DIDN’T GET MARRIED UNTIL 60: 10. PUSSY. 9. PUSSY. 8. PUSSY…

So Letterman is a bit of a dirtbag. Are we really that surprised? Disappointed, yes, but surprised? After all, one of the writers on Larry Sanders worked on Letterman’s show and it was just too easy to picture Letterman behaving that way. What nonetheless amazes me is the same thing that amazes me in George Clooney: the choice of women. Clooney can have any woman on the planet, but chooses 20-something cocktail waitresses. David Letterman is rich, famous, tall and funny (and according rumor, hung). He has access to someone of the most beautiful women alive literally every night of the week and what does he choose? His 20-something-employees. It speaks both to a massive ego and a massive insecurity that the woman in question can’t be of equal success, but at the same time can’t be exceptionally attractive either. I know that sounds mean, but he’s not boning 20-somethings because he wants conversation, so if you’re going to go that way why not go all the way? I mean at least Clooney’s waitresses are usually gorgeous wannabes (actress, model, etc). Also, even though I’ve no doubt it was all-consensual for the reasons I mentioned earlier, it’s still creepy to have your job security possibly linked to your boss’ affection. I was once harassed through a meeting by someone who was technically my superior that I’d hooked up with. I never cared enough about the job to worry that it might get me fired, only that I didn’t want to go to any more goddamn meetings. But with the ex-girlfriend of the blackmailer that really wasn’t the issue. How do I know? Well, he’s 54 and Letterman is 62. The girl in question is now 34. She’s clearly working out some daddy issues and if it weren’t Letterman it would have been some other old dude somewhere.

THE RETURN OF SHORT EYES

Speaking of creepy old dudes, Roman Polanski is finally in custody and might see some justice. If I were a praying man I’d say they’d been answered, but this was merely the benefit of a dick contest. Polasnki’s lawyer gloated about the US not chasing them down, which is tantamount to saying, “Their dicks are too small to catch us.” Well, it was big enough to reach Switzerland. And if you’re wondering why some people (i.e., men) aren’t enthusiastic about this it’s because if Polanski can go to jail for this, you too can go to jail if you ever fulfilled your fantasy of popping Britney in her schoolgirl outfit. Or Lindsay Lohan or Natalie Portman or any of the clearly underage girls that have had legal countdown clock posted for them online over the past decade. But there’s a difference. With Polanski it wasn’t just that she was 13, it was that it wasn’t consensual. And even though he’d given her drugs and booze she still said no, but he sodomized her anyway. Yes, it was anal rape on top of all the other sordidness. But the absurdity of the Hollywood artiste community response is laughable or would be if it weren’t so dangerously stupid. For them it’s wrong because they grabbed him going to a film festival in Switzerland. How far must your head be up your own ass to think that going to a fucking film festival entitles you to some sort of diplomatic immunity!?! That the laws of the world don’t apply to you because you’re an artist!?! I know artists of all types tend to be narcissistic assholes of varying levels, but this is a height undreamt of. But they’re also cowardly sheep and if any one star of a high enough level stands up and says “This is bullshit! What’s wrong with you fuckers!?!” you’ll see support dwindle. France has already backed away from supporting him. But that it even has to take time to get there is ridiculous. And that so many are filmmakers I like just hurts. But hey, they make movies, not split the atom. Great intellectual accomplishments are not what we ask of them.

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