1. Couples Retreat/Universal Wknd/$ 35.3 Total/$ 35.3
2. Zombieland/Sony Wknd/$ 15.0 Total/$ 47.8
3. Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs Wknd/$ 12.0 Total/$ 96.3
4. Toy Story 1&2 3D/Disney Wknd/$ 7.7 Total/$ 22.7
5. Paranormal Activity/Paramount Wknd/$ 7.1 Total/$ 8.3
6. Surrogates/Touchstone Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 26.4
7. The Invention of Lying/Warner Wknd/$ 3.4 Total/$ 12.3
8. Whip It/FoxSearchlight Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 8.8
9. Capitalism: A Love Story Wknd/$ 2.7 Total/$ 9.1
10. Fame/MGM Wknd/$ 2.6 Total/$ 20.0
SWINGER’S RETREAT
Couples Retreat opens at number one and this is actually the latest collaboration between Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau going back over a decade now to Swingers, through mainstream fare like The Break-Up and indie work like Made. They’re listed as two of the writers on the film, but I’ve got to think that’s a loose term, because it’s more of their routine where they’re essentially riffing on one another. There’s a third writer listed but maybe they needed a fourth because this is as generic and incomplete as it gets. I hate to break it to you, but you’ve seen the funniest bits in the trailers. Nothing is better than that and it rarely rises above made-for-tv-fare and in fact this is yet another Lifetime/Oxygen movie that has escaped into the wild and picked up some bigger stars on the way to the big screen. Four couples go to a couples therapy vacation retreat for the benefit of only one, when in actuality, only one doesn’t needed therapy. Now, the irony of this should have been the central factor of the film, but it isn’t. A Lifetime/Oxygen movie would have actually dealt somewhat with the fact that some couples do actually need help because if you want a happy ending there needs to be a journey. There is no journey here. Just one night and suddenly all problems are fixed in the most clichéd fashion possible. Also the casting doesn’t help, as all the women are uniformly beautiful while the men…not so much. Malin Ackerman’s Cameron Diaz-done-better looks with the bloated Vince Vaughn? I think not. Kristin Davis was always the prettiest member of the Sex& The City crew and here she’s finally playing up her sex appeal (Charlotte’s body with Samantha’s mind) but you’re just not buying her married nearly 20years to everyman Jon Favreau. Even Jason Bateman who might have been a proper match for Kristen Bell WHEN HE WAS HER AGE A DECADE AGO! Sorry, but we’re supposed to believe they are contemporaries when he’s clearly much older? You can’t help but think maybe their age difference has something to do with their problems. And you’re just not buying Faizon Love’s fat ass with anyone.
THE OTHERS
Zombieland is down to number two, followed by Cloudy After A Chance of Meatballs at three and the 3-D Toy Story double feature at number four.
THE HOME VIDEO MONSTER PROJECT
Paranormal Activity finally enters the top ten at number five and this is one of those horror films done in documentary style which can be horribly effective and apparently it is which means I’ll never see it. Just reading the spoiler summary screwed me up for a bit. It’s pretty much the account of a couple who experience strange activity in their house and the guy decides to tape them sleeping to see what he captures. It’s downhill for them from there. But by the same token, these types of films can also fail utterly and you’re just sitting there bored senseless fighting nausea. It’s your dime. I’ll never see it. Ever. Same way I’ve never seen The Blair Witch Project, which this is being compared to.
UNFORTUNATELY NO ONE GET MEDIEVAL ON ANYONE
The Surrogates is down to number six and is this really the first reunion of Bruce Willis and Ving Rhames since Pulp Fiction? How sad is that?
SHE HAS A BAND BUT THE LESS SAID THE BETTER
The Invention of Lying is down to number seven, followed by Whip It at number eight and you’d think a hip little indie-type comedy like this would use some jangling guitar rock from a band you’d never heard of for its montage training sequence, right? Well, maybe if your director isn’t pushing 40, because here you get nothing less than .38 Special’s “Caught Up In You.” Speaking of pushing 40, also in this is Juliette Lewis who has pretty much been playing the same role for the last 15 years (some oddly feral child-woman), and this is no exception. And honestly, she’s not really acting. This is pretty much who she is. And remember, she once dated Brad Pitt and when it was over, he was the one left pining. Makes sense. Crazy people usually are better in bed.
THE END
Capitalism A Love Story drops to number nine, followed by Fame closing out the top ten at number ten and remember the Fame TV show that came after the movie with a lot of the cast strangely hanging around a high school? I was initially interested because I had a thing for Lori Singer, but when they broke out into a song in the middle of a music store, (which may have been episode one) I knew I was done. I expected singing, but that was a bit too much for me. And we won’t even discuss Fame LA.
DO I REALLY HAVE TO EXPLAIN NAPPY TOO?
Good Hair doesn’t break the top ten and probably deserves to more than anything Michael Moore has done, because regularly demonstrating his moral superiority isn’t a part of Chris Rock’s agenda. “Good hair” is actually a phrase used in black culture to designate hair that is more “white” or “European.” It’s a sad statement of self-hatred used till this day. It’s even how my sisters describe my hair in comparison to their own (and one of my sisters does hair). The documentary explores the hundred million dollar industry behind the desire of Black women to have so called “good hair.” It doesn’t go very deep, but then again, you don’t expect it to. It’s Chris Rock and he’s not going to go for deep explorations in sociology at the expense of a laugh. Still, it’s odd in how it overlooks well-known facts, like how the first Black millionaire in America got that way selling hair products for this very purpose. I mean, isn’t that a given? Also, where are the A-list celebrities? We see pictures and videos of the megastar Black women who are clearly on the same track, but why weren’t they interviewed? Where’s Beyonce and Tyra? The movie builds itself around a hair company convention which includes a competition and while interesting the competition between the hairdressers has nothing to do with the central topic and ultimately is a waste of time that should have been spent exploring other topics such as one that pops up in the last seconds of the film: that white women also use weaves. The quest for an idealized type of hair is not something limited to the Black community (there’s zero mention of taming the Jewfro). Even Asian women who regularly sell their hair go through unnatural processes to achieve something that just doesn’t exist in nature. Given that Asians pretty much control the weave market that should have been an interesting piece of irony. Nonetheless, the interviews with everyone from Ice-T to Mya Angelou (who kept it natural until she was 70) are interesting and amusing (learning that the asymmetrical haircut trend that Salt & Pepa helped originate in the 80’s was a result of a bad perm was hysterical). Nia Long also stands out for her brutal honesty and Ice T for being as funny as hell.
IF YOU NEVER REALLY UNDERSTOOD WHY JOCKS GET THE GIRLS…
ESPN released what it calls “The Body Issue” (as if we needed another magazine to help us feel worse about ourselves) apparently having noticed that for the past decade In Style has had a successful issue built around celebrity nudity, as has Allure and for a million years Playboy has made money on nude celebrities. They’re a little better than other magazines as they only use actual athletes in various forms of undress. Serena Williams should never stop sending them thank you notes because she’s never looked more feminine and who knew a frigging jockey could be cut. But the absence of well-known bodies like Terrell Owens and Dana Torres (who are constantly pretending to be carved out of marble) is odd. But it’s not all pretty. They have a section on the cost of being the best with the damage it does and I could have lived without ever seeing the salt water-cracked heels of surfer Laird Hamilton or the dislocated fingers of wide receiver Torry Holt.
AND I HEAR THERE’S SOME THEATER AND MUSEUMS HERE TOO
Toby Lightman played at our offices in a minor fund raiser for Breast Cancer Awareness month and while I wasn’t all that impressed with her touchy-feely, made-to-play-on-Grey’s-Anatomy music (she does a decent cover of Mary J’s “Real Love” that you can find on YouTube ‘cause god knows she didn’t play it for us), I did enjoy seeing live music again so soon (it was Phoenix in Central Park a few weeks ago) and may have to try and make this habit given I live in one of the music centers of the freaking world.
OH, AND I HATED KRAMER TOO
I loved Seinfeld when it was on the air, but I hated George. I hated George so much there are episodes I’ve never seen because I just couldn’t stand looking at him. Needless to say, this means I’m no fan of Curb Your Enthusiasm, which is pretty much “The George Costanza Show” as creator Larry David was the basis for George. In fact, it’s a running gag on the show that he gets offended when actor Jason Alexander (who played George) talks about what a loser George was. Nevertheless, given I’m using the free month of HBO and Cinemax, I decided to check out the “Seinfeld non-reunion” episode---where I fast-forwarded it anytime there wasn’t a Seinfeld cast member onscreen, because I just. can’t. take. it. He’s so goddamned annoying to the point I can’t find it funny. But in his meeting the Jason Alexander they did use the joke again about George being horrible and annoying which made me smile.
I’M A GEEK WITH A PROBLEM
Superman/Batman: Public Enemies is yet another DC Comics direct-to-video release done in the actual style of the comic. Now, this is an idea that took waaaaay too long to happen when it should have been common sense, however, it’s a lousy, lousy storyline that they chose to use. It centers of Lex Luthor somehow becoming addicted to a drug with kryptonite in it and Superman and Batman being hunted by the government using other superheroes. It’s stupid and unbelievable even by comic book standards. If you must appease some kid or your curiosity, rent it or get it used. Of course I bought it first day, but I’m a stupid geek.
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