INCREDIBLE JERK

1. The Incredible Hulk/Universal Wknd/$ 54.5 Total/$ 54.5
2. Kung Fu Panda/Dreamworks Wknd/$ 32.3 Total/$ 118.0
3. The Happening/Fox Wknd/$ 30.5 Total/$ 30.5
4. You Don’t Mess With The Zohan Wknd/$ 16.4 Total/$ 68.8
5. Indiana Jones 4/Paramount Wknd/$ 13.5 Total/$ 275.3
6. Sex & The City/New Line Wknd/$ 10.2 Total/$ 119.9
7. Iron Man/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 297.4
8. The Strangers/Rogue Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 45.4
9. Prince Caspian/Disney Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 131.7
10. What Happens In Vegas/Fox Wknd/$ 1.7 Total/$ 75.1

INCREDIBLE JERK
The Incredible Hulk opens at number one and this is what the first movie should have been, rather than Ang Lee’s dull, dense treatise on anger and relationships between fathers and sons (I sold my copy on eBay three years ago and haven’t been tempted to replace it). This is what you do with an A-list cast (Ed Norton, Liv Tyler, William Hurt, Tim Roth) in a comic book movie. Granted, I’m still geek enough to be annoyed that no one ever thinks to include Rick Jones, whose character would provide some much needed comic relief, but this does have some semblance of levity, which the previous version was utterly lacking. Sorry, you can’t do a movie about a giant in purple pants and not have at one person making jokes about it. This also pays respect to the TV series. Both Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno make appearances and there’s also the piano theme that appeared at the end of every show. Simply put, this movie came to entertain and entertain it did. You’re paying to see Bruce Banner suffer under the weight of his curse, Betty Ross to cry for her love’s pain, General Thunderbolt Ross bark orders, the army to attack and for The Hulk to smash! And you get it all here. Ooh, and he actually says “Hulk smash!” in this one. Another big flaw in the first: no talking Hulk. This also clocks in at under two hours while this went almost two-and-a-half. Reportedly, Edward Norton isn’t doing press because he was unhappy with this cut of the film, which lost a good 70 minutes. Sorry, but if you can make a film shorter and shut Ed Norton the hell up, you’ve been very productive. He’s extra-sensitive on this one because he also co-wrote the screenplay, and would literally rewrite things every day (though he ultimately gets no credit). The cherry on top of this has been given away in the commercials: Robert Downey Jr. appears as Tony Stark dropping another hint about The Avengers. In addition there are references to Captain America if you know anything about the origin of the character. I was geeking pretty hard throughout.

MAYBE GRANDMASTER FLASH WIIL BE IN THE SEQUEL
Kung Fu Panda is down to number two and I’ve been sold on this since learning of the title two years ago. You can’t go wrong with Kung Fu Panda. Not even with Jack Black in it. And then you tell me that the animals in it are the actual animal styles of kung fu, tiger, crane, monkey, snake and mantis!?! And they’re called “The Furious Five!?!” Yeah, baby. And I’m not ashamed to admit I had a good time. Not actually seeing Jack Black helps tremendously. An actual panda is much more appealing than some panda-shaped dude. And they sit on his personality in favor of the character, which also helps tremendously. But don’t get me wrong. This ain’t Pixar, kids. There’s a notorious lack of depth and character development. You could barely fill a saucer with what’s going on here. What’s the point in having Angelina Jolie do a voice (she plays Tiger) if you’re not going to give her something to do than just be angry? And don’t get me started on the utter waste of none other than Jackie Chan as Monkey. The biggest martial arts star on the planet and he has maybe three lines. Sigh. But I give it points for actually trying to keep the martial arts accurate (and thanks to my recent classes, I could tell) and make each animal actually match the style that bears its name. Not only has the head animator at DreamWorks has studied martial arts for years, but they even went as far to have the animators take a few lessons. What’s funny is, as much as pandas are loved in Asia, they probably never would have made film like this, but yet another freaking Monkey King movie. Hell, even Forbidden Kingdom was in its heart about The Monkey King. The problem with monkeys is, as much as we love them, they’re too much like us, so there’s equal reason to hate them. Pandas, however, just look cuddly. And unlike say, other bears (yes, DNA shows them to be bears and not raccoons), you’ve never heard of someone being mauled to death in a panda attack. At worst, you’ll see that sneezing panda video and die of terminal cuteness.

NO RERUN AND ROG ARE NOT IN THIS
The Happening opens at number three and I am no fan of M. Night Shyamalan and his over-long Twilight Zone episodes and this doesn’t seem to be an exception. Something “happens” and people all over the world start killing themselves. Shymalan has already given away what the cause is, and while I won’t give it away it’s not a bad idea, it’s just that I’m not going to give him another chance with execution, much less subject myself to another one of his overlong cameos. You know Hitchcock never even spoke in his. Shymalan can’t be onscreen less than 15 minutes in his movies. Not since Woody Allen cast himself as Julia Roberts’ lover has a director been so self-indulgent.

ANNOYING IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY
You Don’t Mess With The Zohan is down to number four and I’ve never had any tolerance for Adam Sandler. He managed to hit the target once with Happy Gilmore (no, I never saw The Wedding Singer), but that’s it. I will acknowledge that he has grown up a little this time by not going back to his angry manchild shtick, but I still don’t care and it still looks stupid. An Israeli soldier who quits to be a hairdresser is a Saturday Night Live sketch, not a full-length movie and certainly not in the hands of Adam Sandler and his crew. And I sure as hell don’t want to see his 40-something ass with Emmanuelle Chiquri as his Palestinian love interest (yeah, there’s a whole “give peace a chance” sub-plot running through it). Apparently every actress over the age of 35 was unavailable for this.

INDIANA JONES AND YO’ MOMMA
Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is down to number five and word has leaked out about one of the earlier versions of this, Indiana Jones & The City of God where there was no freaking Shia LeBeouf character! Not to mention, Marion isn’t a kidnap victim, but running her own expedition that Indy joins. Unfortunately, there’s no place for Cate Blanchett in it either so obviously we’re forced to take the good with the bad here. There’s also the original version, Indiana Jones & The Saucer Men, which is the bullshit George Lucas want to do, but both Spielberg and Harrsion Ford said, “Hell, no!”

WAIT UNTIL THE SEQUEL: SATC 2 - VAGINAL DENTALIS
Sex & The City is down to number six and what the fuck is up with the reaction of some men to this movie? You’d think it was a movie called How To Castrate Men & Take Their Money they way they’ve been reacting. In a world where 99% of summer movies are directed at men where women are just there to be arm candy, you’d think just one that’s not for them wouldn’t be a problem. Au contraire. Apparently any role other than “Female Love Interest” is unacceptable to some douchebags. I can only surmise that more men have tiny, tiny dicks than I ever thought possible to be so threatened by one friggin’ movie. This is the real reason Buffy never really had a bigger audience

7 DEGREES OF COMIC BOOK FILMS
Iron Man is down to number seven, giving Robert Downey Jr, not just two movies in the top ten, but two movies in the top ten playing the same role, while The Strangers---which is down to number eight---also gives Liv Tyler two films in the top ten and one of those roles is in the same movie as Robert Downey Jr. Sigh. If only Kevin Bacon were here then we’d have a real game. Liv Tyler has said in a recent interview that Empire Records was one of the best times she ever had making a movie. Of course you did. You were young, making a movie with a bunch of other young people (like Renee Zellwegger, playing sexy for perhaps the last time) so it was probably a non-stop party. However, it remains a very crappy movie. And I wanted to like it. The best part of is that damn Gin Blossoms song.

TALES OF BARSOOM
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian is down to number nine and the failure of this is rumored to have sent Disney to try and develop Edgar Rice Burroughs’ John Carter Warlord of Mars series as its next franchise. This fills me with mixed emotions. I loved the John Carter books, but under Disney I see them hopelessly castrated. I’d rather them not be made than made poorly. Then again, I might get a Speed Racer situation where I love it just fine, but no one else does, so it remains mine all mine!

ONE DOES NOT LIVE BY SEQUELS ALONE
Finally, What Happens In Vegas closes out the top ten at number ten and this has made over a $100M overseas, so couple that with its $75M take here an you’ve not seen the last of Michael Kelso on the big screen any time soon. And this is a much-needed shot in the arm for Cameron Diaz, who hasn’t had a hit where you could see her face in quite awhile.

WHERE THEY LOVE THE GUVNA, WOO-OOH-OOH
So there was no top ten last week due the naked emotional manipulation by my family to force me to attend my cousin’s wedding in Birmingham, Alabama. They actually brought up not just my dead grandfather, but my grandmother’s advancing age as well. Bastards! When I insisted it was just a money issue, they cruelly offered to buy my $600 plane ticket, knowing that would make me feel like shit. But aside from the cost of the plane ticket (I managed to get it cheap on Priceline, thank you Captain Kirk), there was still that suit issue. Remember how I split the pants on it? Well, I managed to get out of going to a wedding with Chasing Amy (she reunited with her boyfriend in the nick of time), but this time I was just going to have to literally suck it up or…buy a new suit. Which is how I found myself in K&G looking at their 2-For-$150 sale the Thursday night before I left. I ultimately opted not to, but my family was not having it. When I got home, my dad used a connection to get the suit from K&G that I was unwilling to buy for myself. Only it was too big. At least to everyone but him. I don’t wear a 42 regular. I wear a 40 short. Emphasis on the “short.” My dad was so insistent that he was right and I was wrong, that when we went shopping for the tie I’d forgotten to bring, he had the salesmen bring me a jacket in a 42R to try on and get them to weigh in on it. Of course they said he was right. When I insisted the sleeves were too long, the salesman replied, “Oh, they’re all made that way to be tailored.” I was back home in the south so I couldn’t let 20+ years of New York living give the response I was thinking: “So, it’s a fucking racket is what you’re saying, ‘cause god fucking forbid I buy a goddamn suit that fits to begin with.” I have to admit however, that aside from the weight gain, the last couple of years of swimming have changed my shoulders to the point where I may need a new suit size. But that size ain’t 42R. Now, normally the rehearsal dinner for the bridal party alone, but that’s only when you haven’t turned the wedding into a makeshift family reunion, which is why we were all there. While I fought it tooth and nail I must admit I was pleased to see my extended family again, though my younger cousins being funnier than I am still bothers me to no end. The relative who I mentioned at Christmas as an undercover geek let me know he does read this and wondered if that title was a compliment. Dude, it is. Trust me on this. It’s always best to have people surprised you like comics than have them surprised you like football, which is the shit I get on a regular basis. He actually married my first cousin who was like my sister when we were kids (something my sisters repeated with their same age cousins). She told me their son had oddly turned out like me. I was a bit skeptical until he suddenly blurted out without provocation or encouragement “I like cheese.” I suddenly regretted I had so little time to spend with him to teach him the ways of Gouda. He also wanted to see Iron Man and Speed Racer but no one had taken him and I again cursed our limited time together. This boy needs geek schooling, stat! I made the best of what time we had by allowing him to take me through his Pokemon collection (which he apparently carries with him) and we made and threw paper airplanes until both our respective mothers told us to stop. But for the rest of the weekend he was known as my “shadow.” At this dinner, people were asked to give words of wisdom to the couple. My dad had a few drinks and instead made jokes about how hard marriage was. My mom understandably took umbrage at this and went and tried to repair the damage. Unfortunately she’d as had a few drinks. Ultimately, my sisters wound up apologizing to my cousin and his bride and pointed out that my our parents met when they were 13 and were still together at 60, so even if they couldn’t tell you how it works, they did really know. This was the same weekend of the east coast heat wave, so whatever you went through, I went through---only in Alabama and Georgia. Thankfully, it was not only a night wedding, but the church was air-conditioned and we arrived just minutes before it began. And it was only 30 minutes. Seriously, they got in and got out and I don’t think I loved my cousin more for it. But this is the south so if you were expecting the pastor to talk about how marriage was about love, think again. More than once it was mentioned how God should be feared and you were going to be judged and when the bride tried to just say “Love and honor” and leave out “obey” HE MADE HER DO IT AGAIN! See, this is when I would have told him to go fuck himself, south or no south. He should have been told beforehand, “You want your check? You better leave that ‘obey’ shit out.” The reception was at Vulcan Center & Observation deck in Vulcan Park, which is on top of Red Mountain. There’s a 56-foot statue there of the god, Vulcan, representing the city’s history as a steel-mining town (it was originally supposed to be in the center of the city, but he’s naked and a pagan, which ain’t happening in Birmingham). My mom actually ran down a brief history to where the men in her family worked in the various mills. As if to make up for the brief ceremony, the bride and groom took forever to get there, leading to one of my Bronx born cousins cursing out the poor lady in charge because we weren’t allowed into the dining area until they arrived. The highlight of the reception was when Shalamar’s “For The Lover In You” came up and pretty much every woman in my family jumped up and started stinging along, including my mom, which surprised me. I took photos and with every shot their group got larger and larger and larger… My second favorite moment was whenever the son of one of my other Bronx-born cousins would dance. He was also the ring bearer (his dad was one of the groomsmen), so he was in his is little tux cuttin’ up a rug. More than once his dad was told to get him an agent quickly, before the cute wears off. And yes, because this was a Black wedding, the night did not end before there was sliding going on. I don’t do that. And apparently neither does my “shadow” who never ventured once onto the dance floor. Excellent. You’ve learned well, young jedi. Though I hate to admit it I did enjoy the trip and am glad I went. I’m also doubly resolute that I will never put my family through such an event and will just elope to Vegas. When I told my mother she thanked me (though she questions my choice of Star Trek ceremony over Elvis). Now, I just have to get this friggin’ suit tailored…

ONLY LOSERS PLAY IN THE SUN
The summer TV season is here and I’m down for In Plain Sight, which will hopefully succeed the way Karen Sisco should have all those years ago. There just aren’t enough ass-kicking broads on TV. It tried a little too hard in the first episode of a wiseass US Marshal in charge of witness relocation, but it will hopefully settle down and make a nice companion show to Burn Notice, which returns in July. Also on the docket is She’s Got The Look, which could also be called America’s Top Middle-Aged Model (yes, they used that damn Roxette song). My reasons for watching are obvious. Hot women my own age. What could be better? What I like about it is that they don’t pretend these women are all neophytes. If you’re tall and attractive, you aren’t going to make it 40 years without someone, somewhere asking you to model and more than a few of these women are following up on a missed opportunity 20 years ago. But because it’s a reality show and we need drama, we include the 63-year-old woman and the painfully, insecure big black lesbian. My personal favorite is the 40-year-old belly dancer, Roxanne, because aside from looking a little like Joan Allen, she basically came to win and the others hate her for it (especially the California Blonde who is her only real competition). Totally confident, rocking the mid-riff the way few 40-somethings can and ultimately sabotaging herself while trying to make others look bad. Do I have to tell you she’s a redhead? Of course not! Just telling you she’s evil let you know that. I also like the 5’5” sista named Hope, because she confessed to liking 18-year-old guys. Needless to say, the mom who missed her family and the 63-year-old were the first to go and I think they only got rid of the mom (who looks like Cindy Crawford crossed with Sela Ward) to make cutting the old lady less obvious. They’ll probably cut the California Blonde alongside the Painfully Insecure, Big Black Lesbian to make that less obvious too. It’s odd this is hosted by Kim Alexis given that all the real supermodels from the 80’s are also in their 40’s now and would have been my first choice for a gig like this, but I guess they weren’t going to be a part of helping some new bitch take already scarce work away from them. Whereas Kim Alexis and Beverly Johnson really don’t have jobs to steal. Oh, shut up. You know it’s true.