WHO WEARS SHORT SHORTS

1. Wall-E/Disney Wknd/$ 62.5 Total/$ 65.2
2. Wanted/Universal Wknd/$ 51.1 Total/$ 51.1
3. Get Smart/Warner Wknd/$ 20.0 Total/$ 77.3
4. Kung Fu Panda/Paramount Wknd/$ 11.7 Total/$ 179.3
5. The Incredible Hulk/Universal Wknd/$ 9.2 Total/$ 115.5
6. The Love Guru/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.4 Total/$ 25.3
7. Indiana Jones 4/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.0 Total/$ 299.9
8. The Happening/Fox Wknd/$ 3.9 Total/$ 59.1
9. Sex & The City/New Line Wknd/$ 3.8 Total/$ 140.1
10. You Don’t Mess With The Zohan Wknd/$ 3.2 Total/$ 91.2

I ROBOT
To no one’s surprise, Wall-E opens at number one and the Pixar animation juggernaut continues unabated. Yeah, Cars and Ratatouille were nowhere near the level of The Incredibles and even this isn’t on the level of it or Finding Nemo, but it’s a step up from the previous two. Wall-E is actually a Waste Allocation Load Lifter Earth class. He’s the last one still doing his job on a now-abandoned earth, building literal skyscrapers of garbage. Wall-E also collects pieces he finds interesting, which include a videotape of Hello, Dolly he’s rigged to play on an iPod. Wall-E is also very lonely, despite the company of apparently the last living thing on earth, his pet cockroach (whom he feeds Twinkies, which have survived the apocalypse just as predicted). So the humans send an Extra Terrestrial Vegetation Evaluator, aka, Eve (which is both a stretch and wrong, and should either be TVE since it’s originally from Earth to begin with or ETVE) and Wall-E falls immediately in love---despite the fact she’s got an itchy trigger finger and almost kills him twice. Wall-E courts Eve by showing her the things he’s collected from human trash and one of these just happens to be the first plant to grow on Earth in almost a millennia, which is exactly what Eve was there to find. This has her recalled to the human ship and Wall-E hitches a ride. Pixar films have never shied away from social criticism and if it wasn’t clear with the trash-filled Earth scenario, it comes with both barrels this time around, showing us a space-ship with humans so pampered by the robots they’ve built, they’re literally too fat to walk and are pretty much unaware of anything not on a video screen in front of them, including the stars they’re currently flying through. And apparently the world wasn’t being run by any government at the end, but a corporation called BNL (Big ‘n Large). Finally, there’s a direct shot at the president as well when “Stay the course” is used to advocate avoiding a creative change and maintaining an ultimately doom status quo. But the real story of Wall-E is, of course, him. Remember what I said about there being a lack of depth in Kung Fu Panda? Well, this has it in spades, as the first twenty minutes of the film are essentially silent as we discover what makes Wall-E, Wall-e and all the nuances of his personality. And like any good story much of what is laid down for you in beginning comes back for a pay-off in the end.

NICE PEOPLE DON’T SHOOT STRANGERS IN THE HEAD
Opening at number two, but with a pretty damn good box office is Wanted, the latest adapted-from-a-comic film this year, and the third this summer alone. And out of the three, I’d place it at number three, failing to have the personality of Iron Man and not fully engaging the essence of the work the way The Incredible Hulk did. The comic mini-series Wanted was about a world where super-villains won. They won, took over the world and then wiped the memories of everyone on earth about their victory. Why? Well, no one wants chaos, so they let the order stand but they live in impunity, doing whatever they like when they like. The central character is an angry, frustrated corporate drone who discovers that he’s the son of the greatest assassin who ever lived and now he’s going to take his father’s place. He’s jumps at the chance to literally rape, maim and murder. It’s the blackest humor possible with no bounds of taste, allowing the protagonist (he ain’t no hero) at one point to essentially rape Britney Spears just because he can (and this is after murdering a precinct full of cops). And I hate to say it, but this movie lacks that dark anarchic energy. In this movie the protagonist is the same suffering drone, but when he is inducted into the Fraternity of Assassins, he doesn’t do what pretty much anyone would do if they became a superpowered assassin: kill every person who ever pissed him off. This is part of the cost of dropping the plot of the book about evil winning. They’re now “good assassins.” They kill for the greater good, because the people selected would apparently go on to cause greater harm, as shown to us in a ridiculously heavy-handed flashback involving Angelina Jolie’s character. Since they’re not technically “evil” they can’t go around doing superego type shit. Also, in the original work, war ultimately breaks out between the super-villains with some wanting to openly rule the world and terrorize humanity rather than just rule quietly (one Nazi supervillain is pissed he wasn’t allowed to kill all the Jews when they won). Now it’s apparently just one member of the Fraternity coming after them. One guy versus all the other assassins in the world. Pardon me if I’m not feeling a sense of conflict or dramatic tension. At the very least it should have been an entire group who’d broken off. But the biggest disappointment is the waste of Angelina Jolie as a total badass. With no one to really fight, we don’t get to really see her cut loose and unleash mayhem. Also, in the book her character is the lover of the main character. Not here. That trailer is deliberately cut to make it look like they have a sex scene and all they essentially share a single kiss. But if all you need are some incredible looking stunts involving flying cars and bending bullets, this is your flick. I would have preferred they at least kept the social satire that started off the film, with moments like his ATM telling him he’s a loser, or when he smashes the face of his supposed best friend (whom his girlfriend is sleeping with) with a keyboard and the flying keys spell out “F-u-c-k-y-o” with the “u” being filled out by a bloody loose tooth. This all stops the moment the assassin storyline begins and doesn’t come back until the last minute of the movie. Robocop showed you could have both action and satire, but apparently the producers missed that.

LISTEN, BUD, ACTION IS THEIR REWARD
Get Smart is down to number three and remember when I said the family film was a flotation device of a failing career which is why The Rock was doing them? Well, he pretty much owns up to it in a recent interview in Entertainment Weekly and is reinventing himself as a family film guy. On one hand you have to respect someone who reads the writing on the wall and would rather rule in hell than serve in heaven. On the other hand…what a pussy. You didn’t seen Dolph Lundgren, Jean Claude-Van Damme or Steven Segal wuss out like that when their big screen action careers failed. To this day, you can find them on cable in a movie that was made last year that you’ve never heard of with the words “Death” “Kill” “Blood” or “Vengeance” in the title. That’s what real men do. They continue working even though the average moviegoer thinks they died in car crash in 2003 (come on, you all thought Jean Claude was dead). Oh, and he’s dropping “The Rock” too and trying to just go by “Dwayne Johnson” apparently forgetting no one on earth wants to be called “Dwayne” which is why he started calling himself “The Rock” to begin with.

EVEN ANGELINA IS MUY MACHO
Kung Fu Panda is down to number four and given that Angelina Jolie is one of the voices here, it gives us two films where she’s wasted, though her Tigeress character does get a little more time than the others. Ironically, the flashback here explaining her current character works better than the one in Wanted. Then again, who wouldn’t be moved by the sad face of a baby kung fu tiger? Shut up. I’m still more man than Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

THE OTHER PASTY MIDDLE AGED INDIE DUDE IN THIS MOVIE
The Incredible Hulk is down to number five and also in this is Tim Blake Nelson as Samuel Sterns whom most comic fans (aka, geeks) know will become one of The Hulk’s biggest foes, The Leader. They actually set it up pretty well, as even before the machinations that will lead to him changing occur, you can see he’s pretty much a mad scientist already. The gamma radiation is just putting gasoline on a fire. Tim Blake Nelson does a really nice job here and I’m glad to see him making a little loot after years doing solid indie film work. He was also reduced to doing family films, but you won’t see him acting like it’s something he wants to do. Maybe he should start calling himself “The Rock.” He certainly deserves it more.

THERE ARE PLENTY OF SECOND ACTS IN AMERICAN LIVES. THIRD IF YOU COUNT CABLE.
The Love Guru is down to number six and while this is currently seen as a failure, the Entertainment Weekly article on Mike Meyers points out that the original Austin Powers wasn’t that big a hit. It was home video where it was ultimately successful, so that when the second film came out it was a major production. So this isn’t as over as you might think. It could become a favorite of stoned college students everywhere and ultimately save him. Though I hope not.

IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE IT’S TRUE
Indiana Jones and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is down to number seven and Shia LeBeouf blows. Yes, we’re gonna rip on him until this damn film is gone from the top ten.

THEY HAVE BEEN TO THE MOUNTAIN TOP
The Happening is down to number eight and Zooey Deschanel is in this and like virtually every member of the cast of almost famous she seems doomed for it to be the best movie pretty much she will ever make, because most of them have not made a film as good or better since it came out eight years ago and that includes writer/director Cameron Crowe. Philip Seymour Hoffman and Frances McDormand have persevered, but they were making good films even before that. All the kids, however, have been ruined by doing something so great, so early. Though I’m not sure what’s Cameron Crowe’s excuse.

MONEY AND HER POCKET
Sex and the City is down to number nine and this has made $311M worldwide and Kim Catrall was right to shut this fucker down until all the actresses were paid the same, because as a producer Sarah Jessica Parker will be getting cut of that money while the other actresses will not. And they really need to let the idea of a sequel go. They’re all married moms now, so what stories are really left to tell? And age-wise we’re getting to the point where those jokes about it being like The Golden Girls are too close to the truth to be funny.

BUT I’M THINKING NOT SO POPULAR IN SAUDI ARABIA
Finally, You Don’t Mess With The Zohan is down to number ten and apparently Israelis love this freaking movie because it actually addresses how many of them would like to get out and get away from the fighting all the time. I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day, so it was only a matter of time before some truth appeared in his comedy. Damn sure aren’t many laughs in it.

BESIDES, EVERYONE LOVES A TRAMP
So I was going to cancel my Showtime when The Tudors ended this season, but I was quickly sucked into Diary of a Call girl. Light-hearted sexual fluff involving accents. I’m really not hard to please. This was apparently a cause for scandal in England when it premiered because they felt it showed the life of a whore to be a desirable one. Well, shit, MASH didn’t exactly make war in Korea look depressing, but I’m sure no one thought that. I’m also sure no suburban moms are taking up pot dealing because of how it looks for Mary Louise Parker on Weeds. Lighten up, people. This is supposedly based on the writing of a real life hooker. Again, if she thinks she’s empowered having guys like Elliot Spitzer in her various orifices for money, you should pity her, not hate her. And we’re all whores for something. Prostitutes are just a little more honest about it. What I’d do for a flatscreen TV would sicken and disgust you. And be available on Pay-Per-View for $9.99.

MEN IN BLACK AND GRAY
Also on my summer viewing list (cause going outside is for losers) is The Middleman a little Men In Black type show where a young girl is recruited into a secret organization that fights threats to the Earth by aliens and mad scientists (like Men In Black, it too was based on a comic book). A lot of the jokes are very geek in jokes because I don’t think the average person is going to understand why the main character was offended when asked which Flash she loved, “Barry Allen or Wally West?” See, you don’t get that and you shouldn’t, but I did and laughed my ass off. The Middleman himself is an all American squared jawed hero who eschews cursing and drinks milk while slamming a goomba’s head repeatedly into the side of a car. But part of the joke is he knows he’s an all-American square jawed hero. The pithy back and forth between the two of them can seem a little forced, but works for the most part. The female lead is Natalie Morales, who is apparently the girl you call when Rosario Dawson isn’t available and cup size isn’t a deal breaker. She even wears the glasses. This makes perfect sense given Dawson is a geek favorite and was in Men In Black 2.

SALES OF NAIR SUDDENLY SHOT UP
Okay, so where was I when short-shorts took over and just became shorts so every woman everywhere is now wearing them? Apparently the standard is now to end at buttock, while every man including myself is running around in cargo shorts that are lucky to stop at the knee. I’m trying to enjoy the maximum exposure of flesh I really am, but I’m old and seeing a 16-year-old girl like that only makes me feel creepy. Also, some people need to be covered, period. Flabbly thighs need to be covered as much as humanly possible. I don’t care if it’s hot! I’m not showing my man boobs and hiding my gut as much as possible, so you cover that shit up too.

DID I MENTION I WAS WEARING MY SUPERMAN SHIRT THE ENTIRE TIME?
Earlier this summer the Metropolitan Museum of Art opened an exhibit called “Superheroes: Fashion and Fantasy” in the costume wing. I was waiting for the crowds to die down before I could see it, but honestly, if Former Movie Buddy hadn’t wanted to see it as well I probably would have let it slip past me like so many other exhibits. She brought her daughter as well, so I continued my program of corruption by bringing her a Superwoman figure. It was originally Supergirl but in retrospect I decided for a dark haired 3-year-old, a blonde in a mini-skirt and midriff was inappropriate and possibly damaging. She’ll find out soon enough the tyranny of skinny blondes that exists (if she doesn’t know already, being a child model), so we’re not going to rush into it. Superwoman is from universe where all the roles are reversed and she fights alongside Batwoman and Wonder Warrior, but she’s still Kal-El from Krypton, raised by The Kents on a farm just like Superman---who is pretty much the first thing you see when you enter the exhibit JUST LIKE GOD INTENDED. The costume on display for Superman is the Christopher Reeve version which is good, but why not the new one which was much more detailed and intricate? I mean, this is about fashion, after all. Next to the most famous superhero is the most popular: Spider-man. They had both the red and blue original as well as the black costume, along with “fashions influenced” by it from well-known designers, which is of course shit you’d never wear. Rather than being broken up by hero or genre, it’s broken up by the “body” represented. Superman and Spider-man were “the Graphic Body” while Wonder Woman was “the Patriotic Body.” Sadly because there’s not yet a Captain America movie, there was no representation of the most famous “patriotic body” and the Wonder Woman costume Lynda Carter wore was poorly maintained. It was horribly faded as if they left it out in the sun. And it was only the modern version with the high cut crotch. “The Virile Body” was represented by The Hulk and The Thing, but they didn’t have any costumes for them, only the fashion interpretations of this type of “rock hard” body, which basically meant shoulder pads, like a football player. No, I didn’t get it either. And why none of the Fantastic Four costumes from the movie? “The Paradoxical Body” was pretty much the fucked up way women are represented in comics, which is why I had to change what gift to give. They had the Catwoman costume with subsequent fashion versions, but only one. No Juliet Newmar or Halle Berry. Only Michelle Pfeiffer’s. Batman and Iron Man were “the Armored Body” and they had Christian Bale’s outfit and the silver Iron Man armor. Again, if anything was a fashion-type outfit it was that nipple shit that George Clooney wore and it should have been there. And this is the fucking Met. You couldn’t get the red-and-gold Iron Man? There was “the Aerodynamic Body” as demonstrated by the skintight outfits that athletes wear and their inspiration was The Flash, but they wisely didn’t have that crap outfit from the TV show. “The Mutant Body” was just the feathered stuff Rebecca Romijn wore and none of the actual black costumes from the X-Men Movies. Ghost Rider and The Punisher represented “The Post Modern body”, but again, they only had The Punisher and not Ghost Rider. Ultimately, I was disappointed because there was sooo much missing and I can’t believe the Met couldn’t get it if they really wanted it. So in addition to multiple Superman, Batman, Catwoman, Iron Man and Wonder Woman costumes, X-Men costumes, Fantastic Four costumes, , we should have also seen Supergirl, Daredevil, Elektra, Blade, The Crow and Judge Dredd just to name a few. Apparently no geeks are working for The Met.

MEAN GIRLS
So after seeing the Met exhibit I actually took my ass out to Brooklyn to drink with my Jezebel girls. I’d normally have blown it off, but since we’ve had a no kung-fu week because of my leg, might as well top it off with some boozing. I was early and hadn’t eaten so I stopped at this little seafood type of place on Smith near the bar. It was fine---until I pulled the hair out of my mouth while eating fries. See, this is why I don’t leave the city. 25 years in Manhattan and no hairs in the food. At least it was a long hair so I knew it came from someone’s head. The group has been getting together enough now that a hierarchy has formed no matter what anyone says. There are queen bees now and once the group reached maximum capacity, they broke off to go smoke outside and pretty much didn’t come back. Just like in high school, the cool kids always smoke. The remainders of us inside were obviously the AV squad, but ultimately I feel it was a matter of the weather. It was hot and not having a nicotine addiction I wasn’t going to endure it when I could drink inside with the AC. Besides, inside we got to hear stories from Muscha Girl (the girl with the Muscha tattoo on her back, only this time we got to see the Jean Gray Phoenix tattoo below it) about buying clothes for John Rhys Meyers who greeting them at the door wearing nothing but boxers and Doc Martens and then proceeded to hit on both of them. Then there was the opportunity to live in a huge duplex in SoHo for only $700 a month---if she was willing to occasionally walk around bottomless. Since we were all jaded New Yorkers, no one responded with “Ew, pervert.” No we instead asked about details such as, if this would include utilities and maybe cable? Look, I like to be naked at home anyway, so this would have been no problem for me. The Queen Bees eventually came inside where the shot drinking and picture taking began until we adjourned for the “after party” at the lawyer’s duplex after making a food and beer run. But it was more weed smoking than drinking at this point, so I was literally and figuratively the odd man out. But was good, because they probably would have burned the place down as only I remembered the frozen pizza was done cooking. There’s always a moment in the night when you know you’re done. In this case it was when women begin yelling at each other, “Get your tits out!” So I and the other Manhattan resident hopped in a cab to make the journey home, swearing the next gathering would be in the city or would not see us. I mean, if I wanted hair in my mouth while eating I’d be dating.

“GET OUT OF TOWN SHERIFF OR WE’LL FUCK YOU!”
So George Carlin died because apparently Death wanted a comedian who hadn’t been funny since 1978. Yes, yes, I know. He was one of the few entertainers who could actually be described as culturally significant, but after the famous “7 Dirty Words” and his bits on cowboy movies and the differences in baseball and football, he became just an angry old crank with an audience probably stoned so they’d laugh at anything or replaying older, funnier jokes in their heads.