DUKE, DUKE, DUKE

1. Lakeview Terrace/Screen Gems Wknd/$ 15.6 Total/$ 15.6
2. Burn After Reading/Focus Wknd/$ 11.3 Total/$ 36.4
3. My Best Friend’s Girl/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 8.3 Total/$ 8.3
4. Igor/MGM Wknd/$ 8.0 Total/$ 8.0
5. Righteous Kill/ Wknd/$ 7.7 Total/$ 28.8
6. The Family That Preys/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 7.5 Total/$ 28.4
7. The Women/ Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 19.2
8. Ghost Town/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.2 Total/$ 5.2
9. Batman: Dark Knight/WB Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 521.9
10. The House Bunny/Sony Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 45.7

“SUSPENSE COMES SPECIAL DELIVERY…”
Lakeview Terrace opens at number one showing the “_____ From Hell” concept never gets old. It can be everything from “mistress” (Fatal Attraction) to “roommate” (Single White Female) to “fan” (um, The Fan) to “secretary” (The Temp). Basically any person you meet can make your life hell and people will come to see their worst nightmare come to life (I’m still waiting on one about a crazy mailman). This time around it’s not just a cop from hell (which was done in Illegal Entry), but a neighbor and cop from hell. I think that’s the wave of the future, combining the entries. It’s not just your mistress trying to destroy you, but your mistress is also your lawyer. It won’t just be your roommate after you, but your roommate will also be your doctor---and he’s a proctologist! And so on… I have no basic interest in these movies because I already subscribe to Sartre’s belief that “Hell isn’t a place, it’s people.” I really don’t need for someone to be crazy to make my life a pain. Just feel the need to ask me how my day is every fucking time I buy orange juice from you and we’re already there. Trying to kill my bunny is just semantics at this point. I don’t know if the fact that our protagonists are an interracial couple has anything to do with what sets Samuel L. Jackson off, but I’d be surprised if they went that way, because usually when a white guy has a minority girlfriend or wife, no one ever really mentions it, but if a white woman has a minority lover, it’s the story, period. It’s also seems a bit too inflammatory for such a genre type of film, but Neil LaBute is directing and he doesn’t exactly shy away from controversy (In The Company of Men anyone?). And I’m sure he’ll make sure to remind you how horribly shallow the pretty people are and therefore somewhat deserving of their suffering.

HE REMEMBERED ROSEANNE’S LAST FEW SEASONS
Burn After Reading is down to number two and where are the screaming fat men? If there was one sign of a Coen Brothers film it was a screaming fat man and most of the time that fat man was John Goodman, so I guess I’m asking where’s Coen Brothers mainstay, John Goodman? Or did he take a look at this script and immediately take a pass, sensing their comedy glory days were long over (though Intolerable Cruelty has strong first act and decent third act, not to mention a role that looked tailor-made for Goodman).

MOM WAS WITH A-LIST DUDES UNTIL HER 50’S.
My Best Friend’s Girl opens at number three and I believe we are no longer pretending that Kate Hudson is an A-list star. Her co-stars pretty much make that clear. Cameron Diaz makes movies with Ashton Kutcher. She makes movies with Dane Cook and Jason Biggs. I think that says it all. The real question is what is Alec Baldwin doing here? He sees quality comedy scripts every week, so how could he have thought this was a good idea? Maybe he just needed money for lawyers for his neverending legal battle with Kim Basinger. And this movie borders on science fiction, that B-list star Kate Hudson would be dating someone like Jason Biggs, or that she would then fall for Dane Cook. I fully expect everyone in this movie to get around on jet packs or find out that all the other men have died in a plague that consumed the world that left only dweebs and douchebags alive to compete for the women. Forget science fiction. It’s nothing short of Gandalf level fantasy that Dane Cook is making a living by being a date so bad women return to their boyfriends. Who’s really gonna care if they had a bad date with Dane Cook? Again, if you go out with Ashton Kutcher and it sucked you might resign yourself, but Dane Cook? I think not.

THAT’S PRONOUNCED “EYE-GOR”
Igor opens at number four and the idea of a movie about Igor sounds great to me. An animated movie about Igor even better. And an animated movie where all mad scientist assistants are called Igor but one wants to be a scientist himself sounds like the best of all. So why didn’t I see this? I didn’t even know the damn thing was coming out this week. They had zero advertising, which suggests they knew they had a turd on their hands. I hate to say it, but this is a movie Tim Burton should have done. Though I then I wouldn’t have watched it on general principle of hating his ass.

WARNING A SPOILER FOR THIS CRAPPY MOVIE
Righteous Kill is down to number five and I’m still trying to deal with the sight of Robert DeNiro doing Carl Gugino doggiestyle that’s seared into my brain. But to let you know where she sat on this, she did no nudity. She did nudity for Sin City, but none for Bobby. And if you thought it was a cheap male fantasy to begin with that she’s a decades younger hottie who digs rough sex, note that for daring to be a woman who likes sex, she eventually suffers the fate of most women in movies who dare to like sex and gets raped. Oh, and beforehand she first ridicules DeNiro for his inability to fuck her rough then pushes him away emotionally, so it’s obviously punishment for her rejection of “the nice guy.” Yeah, someone’s got issues with vagina. It’s time to get over the hot girl in high school who banged everyone but you, dude.

EVIL NEVER DIES, IT JUST DRESSES IN DRAG
The Family That Preys is down to number six and while it probably cost about half of what Righteous Kill did to make, it’s now made as much money, insuring Perry’s reign of onscreen terror.

HOW IS RENEE SOFER NOT HERE?
The Women is down to number seven and how much snickering do you think went on when Jada Pinkett-Smith was announced to be playing a lesbian? And this isn’t just an all-star B-list cast, but a C and D list as well. Also here are Debbie Mazar, Carrie Fisher, Joanna Gleason, Lynn Whitfield, Ana Gasteyer (of SNL) and other vets like Bette Midler and Candice Bergen who obviously owes Diana English and had to be here. Movie trivia: Candice Bergen plays Meg Ryan’s mother here just as she did over 20 years ago in Rich & Famous, the last film by someone who actually knew how to direct women, George Cukor.

IF THEY DON’T USE THE SONG BY THE SPECIALS…
Ghost Town opens at number eight and I’m simply not a Ricky Gervais fan. I’m not a fan of comedy of watching unaware morons fulfill their destiny, so the guy who’s currently doing it better than anyone else means nothing to me. And there’s obviously a sub-genre of comedy all about ghosts and I am not a fan of it. The best it gets is Ghostbusters and their job is to get rid of the ghosts. Not even Cary Grant in Topper alters my opinion. And if your movie is a comedy about a curmudgeon who is forced to do good things in order to be left alone, shouldn’t those funny missions be your selling point? I’m much more interested in whatever he has to do in order to make the Naked Ghost go away than I am in the “romance” that’s inevitably supposed to develop between him and Tea Leoni.

IT’S A PLAY ON WORDS, GET IT?
The Dark Knight is still around at number nine and also in this for you Tick fans is Nestor Carbonell as the mayor of Gotham City. In the live action adaptation of The Tick cartoon, he actually played “Batmanuel” (who in the cartoon was called Die Fledermaus which means “The Bat” and yes, it’s from the opera) and I wonder how many times he mentioned that on-set. “Hey, isn’t it funny I’m in a Batman movie when I played Batmanuel? Right? Right? Guys? I’m in the sequel, right?”

THE END
The House Bunny closes out the top ten at number ten

AS I WALK THROUGH THIS WORLD/YOU WILL BE MY DUCHESS OF EARL
Opening in limited release to begin the long, sloooooooow march to the Oscars is, The Duchess and is the first notable contender since Heath Ledger’s performance in The Dark Knight. And once again, it’s not the main role we’re talking about. Kiera Knightley is fine as the legendary Duchess of Devonshire (whose name was in fact Spencer and is actually related to the late Princess Di) but she never really takes it to another level. Ralph Fiennes, however, as The Duke all but steals this film. If he has excelled at anything it’s playing cold aristocrats, but like Dennis Hopper and villains, he never does two the same way. Here he manages to imbue the Duke with a level of humanity and sadness with just a look, a sigh or even a grunt, effectively conveying to us that while The Duchess is a prisoner of her life, so is he. His cage just happens to be a little bit larger. But I really shouldn’t chide the script over it, because I’d rather not be subjected to out-of-character speeches explaining it to me. That’s the kind of costume crap you can save for The Tudors. Needless to say, Best Costume Design is also on the menu because The Duchess was a fashion plate of her time and oddly enough not enough is made of this. History lesson: fashion trends actually come from people striving to emulate royalty and royalty changing so as not to look like the common people (don’t say you don’t learn anything here). Also, oddly underplayed, in fact, totally eliminated is her younger sister, who may have actually led an even more interesting life. Like her latter day relative, The Duchess was married to an older member of royalty (though he was only 26 to her 17) and also like her latter day relative had affairs outside the marriage. The only difference is her lover was Charles Grey, who became Prime Minister of England, fought to abolish slavery in England and give Catholics civil rights in Ireland and had the tea named after him, while Princess Diana picked a douchebag who can’t keep his mouth shut. Oh, and The Duchess actually bears him a child. Also, Camilla was hardly Diana’s best friend much less living with her and Prince Charles, the way The Duchess initially unwillingly shares her husband with Lady Elizabeth Frazer.

ODDLY THE GINO VANELLI SONG IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND
Also not cracking the top ten but not getting any Award attention either is Appaloosa and this has everything you expect from a western: evil boss, nasty henchmen, quick draw sheriff, loyal deputy, new-in-town love interest, beleaguered town leaders at their wits end, Indians on the prowl, guns for hire brought in and interesting facial hair. Like any western it’s about dudes, in this case law-for-hire Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen. They’re hired by the town of Appaloosa to protect it from Jeremy Irons. We get hints to a darker depth to the story because the agreement requires the word of Ed Harris to be law. If you think this will lead to more harm than good, think again, because it’s never followed up upon one way or the other. Also, at one point Ed Harris beats the shit out of an innocent man because he feels momentarily embarrassed. Also never followed up on. Even when it embraces the complexity of Renee Zellweger being the type of woman who pretty much hooks up with the alpha male, even if he’s just kidnapped her and put a gun to her head, there’s still no real examination over it. She’s a widow but that’s all you learn about her past. Given her actions you think finding out exactly how her husband died might be of interest, but Ed Harris doesn’t care. He still wants her warts and all, even when she makes a move on Viggo Mortensen (his love interest isn’t even given a name). The movie goes on far too long and should have paid more attention to Rio Bravo, the movie it briefly becomes when Ed Harris actually puts Jeremy Irons in jail and has to wait for the judge to arrive. Instead, we actually get a trial! Did we really need to see the trial? I think not. More gunfights are what we needed. The best part of the film is the relationship between Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen, which is yet another western depiction of manly love. Viggo makes this clear when he tells Renee Zellweger “You’re with him. And I’m with him.” And the final act of the film is all about said manly love. But you can’t be hip and revisionist while trying to be traditional so the film ultimately fails, by winding up all over the place.

YOU CAN SMELL THE DESPERATION COMING OFF THE SCREEN
The new PC ads are just as much a failure as the initial ones with Jerry Seinfeld because by addressing the Apple ads they’re admitting defeat. If they weren’t kicking your ass, you wouldn’t need to bring them up. Notice the Mac ads aren’t a response to any PC ad. But this doesn’t mean you fuckers shouldn’t chip in and get me an Xbox now that the price has dropped to $200. I do so much for you all and get nothing in return. This is the least you can do, because god knows if I develop and actual life I won’t have time to do this any more. You don’t want that do you? I didn’t think so.

THAT AIN’T RIGHT
Death took some heavyweights this week and tried to take a few lightweights. Nate Dogg is recovering from his second stroke, which his own family blames on his lifestyle Also, Travis Barker and DJ AM almost went out classic rock style in a plane crash. I’m glad they didn’t because it’s offensive they should die in the same way as Sam Cooke and Stevie Ray Vaughn. Yeah, yeah, I’m evil. Get over it. Granted I never gave a shit about Fletch, but I’m sure the passing of Gregory McDonald who wrote the novels was sad to some. Richard Wright, keyboardist for Pink Floyd died from cancer, but what got me personally was the loss of Norman Whitfield, Motown writer and producer and a driving force behind both Marvin Gaye and The Temptations. He co-wrote “Heard It Through The Grapevine” which instantly makes him one of the greatest songwriters ever. Other songs like “Pride & Joy” “Ball of Confusion” “Car Wash” “Just My Imagination” “Son of a Preacher Man” “Papa Was A Rolling Stone” and “War” were just gravy.

AND DID I MENTION THE UPPER EAST SIDE SUCKS?
I took my ride up around Manhattan again this weekend only to realize the East Side sucks so much it actually looks worse on a pretty day. The gray overcast weather of my initial trip actually leant itself to the bland surroundings. But this time I went down St. Nicholas Avenue like I was supposed and not only is there a bike lane, but that sucker is pretty much all downhill for thirty blocks. It was a bit chilly despite the sun being out which reminded me that if I’m going to continue riding in the fall, I’m going to have to bundle up. Already a few night rides have been unexpectedly cool. I went to Old Navy and got myself a nice all-white hoody for $12 so I can ride at night and not---what’s the word---yeah, die. Don’t know what to do about the legs though. I have full-length lycra tights that used to wear to work out in college. Now I only use them for those winter days when the wind chill is below zero. It may be time to return them to their original function. But I don’t want to look like those douches that bike dressed like they’re in the fucking Tour de France, head-to-toe in fucking gear. Especially the tubby fuckers, whom I will no doubt resemble. Some even ride with their race numbers still pinned on. Exactly who do you think is impressed by that? Exactly one bike racer alive is getting laid and his name is Lance Armstrong. The rest of you had better settle for the friction from your seat.