THAILAND STUPID

1. Bangkok Dangerous/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 7.8 Total/$ 7.8
2. Tropic Thunder/Par-DW Wknd/$ 7.5 Total/$ 96.8
3. The House Bunny/Sony Wknd/$ 5.9 Total/$ 37.0
4. Batman: Dark Knight/WB Wknd/$ 5.7 Total/$ 512.2
5. Traitor/Over Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 4.7
6. Babylon A.D./Fox Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 17.2
7. Death Race/Universal Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 29.8
8. Disaster Movie/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 3.3 Total/$ 10.9
9. Mamma Mia/Universal Wknd/$ 2.7 Total/$ 136.3
10. Pineapple Express/Sony Wknd/$ 2.4 Total/$ 84.2

SPHINCTERTHUMP PAINFUL
Bangkok Dangerous opens at number one and there was a time seeing this would be a no-brainer for me. I would have either been in the theater immediately after work or first thing Saturday morning to avoid the mouth breathers who frequent action movies. No more. I’m older, more impatient, much cheaper and this just looked like so much crap. Nicholas Cage is an old man and he and his revolving wig collection simply cannot pull off this kind of role any longer. His segue into a more cerebral adventurer in National Treasure was the right move. And quite frankly, the idea of the professional hit man suddenly finding his soul has been done to death and needed a spin, which this doesn’t seem to have. Oh, wait, the original did have a spin with the hitman being a deaf mute, but you don’t pay guys like Cage $20M+ to just emote with their eyes. The irony being, Cage has very emotive eyes and could have done it. I’m also scarred by years of bad low budget martial arts films made in Thailand. Just the thought of it turns me off. I’d be expecting guys like Don “The Dragon” Wilson and Michael Dudikoff to come around the corner in every scene. And I haven’t even gotten to the silliness of the name. I know it may sound cool in Asia, but in the west you can’t have “bang” next to “kok” and not get giggles. It sounds like a porn title. You might as well call it “Slamdick Deadly” or “Pussypop Fatal.” Now that last one I might actually see…

NO SMALL ROLES ONLY ACTORS
Tropic Thunder is down to number two and while this may seem like a hit, bear in mind it had a budget of $92M and has just barely passed that domestically after almost month in release, including a holiday weekend. Also in this a firm member of the Apatow Clan, which I just realized is actually a sub-category of the Stiller Clan given that Apatow worked on The Ben Stiller Show and can actually be seen in a few of the segments, is Jay Baruchel, best known as the lead in the underrated Undeclared. He was also one of Seth Rogan’s disgusting roommates in Knocked Up. Though oddly, his most famous role may be from Almost Famous” as Vic, the Led Zeppelin fan.

GENE THERAPY
The House Bunny is down to number three and also in this is Rumer Willis, the daughter of Demi Moore and you-know-who. Now, I’m not going to pretend I haven’t made lots of mean jokes about her looks over the years, but I feel validated because she not only hadn’t earned her D-list fame, but seemingly wasn’t working for it either, just showing up and partying with people like Lindsay Lohan. If your only claim to fame is being someone’s kid and you’re not at least trying to be an actress/musician/whatever, then I’m just going to compare you to your famous parents and in her case the best you could say was that she was prettier than her dad. In a world of Shiloh Jolie-Pitts and Zoe Kravitzs, she wound up in the room with Alexia Ray Joel. She’s even mentioned how she was teased about her jawline in high school, being called “Jay Leno.” But she had company because also in this film is Colin Hanks, who also doesn’t look as good as his famous parent, but lucky for him Tom Hanks was never really known for his looks as much as his nice guy demeanor, so he won’t suffer as much in comparison. Also, despite having been working for the last few years most people don’t even know he exists.

HE MAN WOMAN-HATERS CLUB
The Dark Knight is down to number four and this is officially the number highest grossing domestic film in history----unadjusted for inflation. It’s also at $949M worldwide and you’d think this would get a Wonder Woman movie on the fast track, but you’d be wrong.

THUNDERBURKA
Traitor holds at number five and the story about an American Muslim secret agent may have seemed good on paper, but if learned anything over the past few years is the only thing the American viewing public wants to see less onscreen than movies about the Middle East be it war or terrorism it’s possibly Speed Racer. It’s got some good indie actors in it, but that’s part of your problem. This was still released in summer and nothing says “unfun summer film” like indie + political. For this to work, it needed to be more Jason Bourne and and less Fahrenheit 9/11. You have to slip in your little political message under the cover of an action movie, but this seems to play its hand too soon. I mean, it couldn’t get me in to see it and I actually like Don Cheadle and Guy Pearce.

WHERE HAVE YOU GONE JEAN CLAUDE A NATION TURNS ITS LONELY EYES TO YOU?
Babylon A.D. is down to number six and this is currently most famous for being trashed by its own director, but I’d take it with a grain of salt because I don’t see how more of his vision would have made this better. Ever see the early Jean-Claude Van Damme movie Cyborg? In it he has to transport former model Dayle Haddon across a post-apocalyptic world to save humanity. Or maybe Children of Men where Clive Owen has to transport the first pregnant woman in twenty across a dystopian England to also save humanity. Well, in this Vin Diesel has to transport as mysterious woman from a nunnery across a dystopian Russia for an undefined purpose, but a mysterious religious organization insists it’s to save humanity. So this has not only been done already, it’s been done better by Jean-Claude Van Damme and the director of Alien From L.A. (though to be fair he also directed The Sword and the Sorcerer). The director has said he wanted to show more of the refugee situation in a Russia, which as essentially collapsed and is run by gangsters (one of whom is played by a near unrecognizable Gerard Depardieu). Yeah, that’s what we wanted to see more of, more visions of a depressing future and not say, a freaking explanation for what the fuck is going on. Vin Diesel plays another Vin Diesel character, meaning a badass living by his own code. This time he’s a mercenary hired to carry a strange girl from a nunnery to New York. The girl’s guardian is played by Michelle Yeoh who must wonder why every time she makes a movie in Hollywood it sucks out loud. And what Charlotte Rampling is doing here I’m sure is a mystery to even her. The problem with this movie is that it thinks it’s some sort of intellectual vision of a dark future when what it's just a goofy science fiction action film with weak action scenes that makes no sense. Let me put it this way: at one point one of the factions who wants the girl delivered nukes another faction. They have enough power to launch a nuke, but can’t smuggle one girl?

BECAUSE HE’S TOO SCARY TO PLAY A MAGICAL NEGRO
Death Race is down to number seven and also in this is Tyrese Gibson who is pretty much “The Young Black Guy” who will bolster, but is ultimately too bland to really threaten, your B-list male lead. He’s no threat to Jason Statham here the way he was no threat to Paul “Pretty Boy” Walker in Too Fast, Too Furious the way he was no threat to Josh Duhamel in Transformers the way he was no threat to James Franco in Annapolis. I really don’t like him so I’m enjoying his sad fate and pray that his threat to portray Luke Cage: Power Man onscreen never comes to fruition. For those of you who with actually saw another human naked while in high school, Luke Cage is a B-list Marvel Comics superhero created in the 70’s to cash in on Blaxsploitation films. His trademark phrase was “Sweet Christmas!” which was pretty much the equivalent of “Aw, shit!” Nicholas Cage actually took his name from the character. Later, Marvel teamed him with their kung-fu exploitation character Iron Fist. Any my instantaneous knowledge of this is why I’m single with no children.

CTDs (CINEMATICALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES)
Disaster Movie is down to number eight and this series is a herpe on the movie screens of the world. A nasty result of one good time you once had that you hope will go away, but keeps popping up. Not that I know anything about that.

THE END, HOPEFULLY
Momma Mia is down to number nine followed by Pineapple Express closing out the top ten at number ten and can we please be done with fucking Seth Grogan and Apatow films for the year!?! Please!?!

KONICHIWA, BITCHES
I have a high tolerance for utter crap. I can watch most anything in a genre I like and at least have some fun with the badness. I mean how else could I reference movies like Cyborg or Worth Winning (Mark Harmon and Madeline Stowe in a movie so bad I think they’d rather have a gay sex tape released)? But then I see something like Samurai Girl on ABC Family and threshold is overcome. You’d think a movie about a young girl forced to fight against her adopted father’s Yakuza clan would have some dumb fun, but you’d only be half right. I couldn’t watch this for more than five minutes at a time before my brain insisted I either fast forward or be shut down with another hemorrhage. Everything is bad. The script is bad, the direction is non-existent, the actors sound like they learned their lines phonetically…and I watched all six hours (albeit in about two). And while ABC Family does get some credit for minority women in leading roles (they asked that the female lead in the excellent The Middleman be cast as a Latina), they take two steps back because the male love interest must always be a White guy---who in this case, just happens to be ninja as well. Yeah, White guy ninja. Brendan Fehr, best known as the guy who wasn’t the lead in Roswell, is supposed to be some sort of master with a blade, who of course can beat any Asian guy who comes his way. What’s even more ridiculous is that in San Francisco the only Asians present are the ones who come over from Japan. In fucking San Francisco!!! Now, Asians play other Asians all the time so it’s not that big a deal. I mean, if a Greek person plays Italian it’s only the most hardcore people who give a crap, but you mean to tell me not one fucking Japanese actor got a role in this!?! Not one!?! And I pity any and every young Asian actress out there to lose out the title role in this to a girl whose claim to fame was being on MTV’s The Real World. All your classes, all your training and you lose to a reality star who sucks and isn’t really a star at all. That’s worse than losing to a rapper. I know these are based on a series of books and those books may suck too, but you can always make a good movie out of a bad book. Well, maybe you could, but these people couldn’t.

DID YOU HEAR THE 90’S WERE OVER? NOT EVERYONE DID.
Speaking of Asians on TV and in San Francisco, The Margaret Cho Show started on VH1 and like one of more recent routines it’s heavy on her love of the Gay and Lesbian community, issues with her looks and ultimately not that funny. But her mom and dad are on it and they are absolutely adorable. Strangely missing from the show? Her husband. But big points to him for opting out of it.

SUMMERTIME AND THE LIVING IS EASY
I took a few days off last week for an end-of-summer vacation. I’d planned to use it doing all the things I claim to never have time for. I did none of them. At best I visited Angelina Jolie Smile and her two adorable kids in New Jersey. Now, there’s a reason I never leave the city. I get lost easily. I actually wrote down my stop, but I missed it so she had to drive to the next town over and pick me up. Downtown Trenton: catch the excitement! She told me that her daughter really liked the picture of Burt Ward as Robin that I had on my Facebook page for awhile, so I not only wore my Robin t-shirt, but I brought her a little girl Robin action figure (it’s a long story I won’t go into now, but there are at least two girls who have been Robin). For her older brother, Batman. Within the hour she’d popped both Robin’s and Batman’s heads off while her brother kicked my ass at Mario Kart, a game I’d been able to play quite well while drunk a month or two ago (so I think we know the secret to good game play). While we watched the kids play outside with their friends, riding their bikes, electric cars and Green Machines (which will never be the equal of a Big Wheel in my opinion), we talked about how our parents never did that with us. There was also another mom out watching and every time a car came by she’d yell out a warning. When I was kid, I’d hop on my bike and leave around noon and my mom wouldn’t see me again until nightfall. There was no one watching even when we were at my house riding down the nearby hill to build up enough speed to hit the incline in my driveway to produce a “jump” (how none of us were killed doing this I’ll never know). There was also no supervision when I used the stop sign in from of my house as a target for practice with my BB gun when I was 10! Of course when I was 10 my parents were all of 28. I wouldn’t let a 28-year-old watch TV unsupervised much less a child. The only other thing I accomplished on my days off was to finally go biking in Central Park. I know it seems odd that I’m only doing it now, but Central Park is filled with those things I hate. You know…people. I figured the middle of day, in the middle of the week after summer was over would be pretty empty and it was. I won’t get into how gorgeous it is. Everyone knows that already, but I remain amazed at these people who were still out during the middle of the fucking day jogging, bike riding and sunbathing. They have to be actors. They were far too fit to be normal and who the hell else doesn’t have to be trapped somewhere by a job. My favorite spot remains the small pond near the 100th Street entrance near where I used to live. It’s the definition of picturesque, tree shrouded with ducks and on this particular day two mothers with their kids playing, one of whom was butt naked but for a little hat on his or her head. It was so sweet I felt a cavity spontaneously develop in my mouth. It was also a problem because I was trying to take pictures of the lake and if I got someone’s naked kid I’m looking at prison time and you know what they do to soft geekboys in prison. And once again I did a good deed sans one of my many geek shirts. I was wearing one the day before and wearing one the day after, but when I found some woman’s pearl necklace while stopping to take photos, I was free of geek apparel. Just as well because then I’d have to make jokes about my shirt while they thanked me (“Guess you really are a superhero. Ha-ha-ha.”) and I’d really prefer not to. My shirts are no laughing matter.

80 HOURS IN HEAVEN
80 Hours of the 80’s was my crack over the Labor Day weekend. Any time I started watching it, I couldn’t stop. I went to bed watching it and woke up watching it. They played shit I literally have not seen in 20+ years. I mean, one hit wonder and Madonna clone, Regina doing “Baby Love”!?! But it wasn’t perfect. Yes, I know The Pixies and Jane’s Addiction were technically together in the 80’s but they were really more 90’s bands. And how the fuck do you not play Prefab Sprout!?! The bigger artists got at least for videos while lesser artists got two (.38 Special actually got two), but even with at least four Prince videos (none of them his really old bikini briefs stuff) they didn’t play one video from The Time! No Vanity Six either! But my beloved The Producers got one in, even though it oddly wasn’t their biggest hit. And how can you play Warrant and not play “Cherry Pie” (though they did play “Down Boys”) the video some saw as the beginning of the end!?! And why on god’s green earth would you waste time with Patty Smythe’s version of “Downtown Train”!?! I’m no Tom Waits purist because I actually like Rod Stewart’s version, but that’s another one-hit wonder who got gypped out of a slot. They really, really needed me to program this for them.

BACK IN MY DAY…WELL, IT SUCKED THEN TOO
I don’t know why I bother watching the MTV Music Awards any more. I don’t know these bands and it was never what I’d call good. I mean, videos are essentially commercials for songs so you’re voting for commercials. I didn’t get it 25 years ago when they started. I don’t get it now. Not that anyone cares about the awards. Like the Grammys, it’s all about who’s performing. This is why I tape the show and fast-forward to the musical acts. Why Rhianna is doing this weird opening number I don’t know but maybe she’s actually moved on beyond being Aliyah 4.0 (Ashanti was 2.0, Ciara was 3.0 and Cassie was a sad 3.5)…Russell Brand proves once again that English humor tends not to translate well…Okay, so basically, it was “Britney if you show up we’ll give you an award because you are the only reason this show is considered relevant to anyone.”…The Jonas Brothers don’t bother me because you could take them and drop them into almost every pop era unchanged. In fact, those clothes are serious teen pop group 1963. I’m actually more curious as to what Hanson thinks of them. And why is the middle brother always the pretty one and the oldest the ugliest?..Katy Perry sucks and so does her song, but her cover of “Like A Virgin” isn’t half bad…why does it make perfect sense that a big goofy looking white boy like Michael Phelps loves someone like Lil’ Wayne. And the way the Pussycat Dolls were looking at Phelps, I fear for his safety. Well, the safety of his foreskin, anyway because it may be rubbed off before the night is over…Personally, I hate Lil’ Wayne. I know it’s wrong, but he’s just too disgusting looking for me to overcome. And T-Pain just annoys me. I’m old. So very old…I could make a joke about Lindsay Lohan keeping the company of lesbians given she just came done with Ciara, but those are just rumors…I will not apologize for loving the lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls or the one with short blonde hair who can extend one leg straight up from a standing position. That’s wife material. And weren’t there six of them?...I love Paramore. And they did “Misery Business.” Baby, you can’t headbang and sing. Headbang between verses…Xbox 360 is now only $200? This could be bad for me. Especially with the warm weather ending soon…Pink did that stunt live. I’m impressed. But that open shirt is driving the director crazy. The cut-aways to prevent an errant nipple-flash are ridiculous…Slipknot is still around working this lame gimmick?...I know John Legend is short, but damn…How is T.I. not in jail again?...okay, when did Rhianna basically become the queen of MTV? The director is dealing with nippleflash fear again…poor Christina Aguilera. No matter what, she’ll always be #2 who tries too hard. If Britney wanted to perform they’d have bumped her off in a heartbeat. And now she’s singing along to a track so much she might as well be lip-syncing. But that babyweight looks good on her. Now do you believe she’s a Latina?...Okay, it’s guys like the lead singer of Tokio Hotel (whom I’ve never heard of) that give young girls complexes. Face it: he’s prettier than you will ever be. No wonder Chase Crawford had to introduce him…”Going Back To Cali” may be LL Cool J’s best song ever. Too bad it’s older than half the people in audience and onstage…I would so much rather have seen Lupe Fiasco perform than pretty much everyone else tonight…Kid Rock, let the 70’s go. Hell, let the 90’s go. Your time is done. Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? Not even Lil Wayne can make this relevant to the kids in the audience…Yeah, they seriously promised Britney awards if she showed up.

IT’S CALLED THE GRIM REAPER, CHARLIE BROWN
Death begins her year-end clearance taking Jerry Reed, movie voiceover king, Don LaFontaine and in an icy stab to heart of the child in all of us, Bill Melendez, who directed Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown and produced and directed all the rest. He was also the “voice” of Snoopy and Woodstock. He was also 91. Excuse me, but I’m gonna need a minute. Got something in my eye…

LET IT BEGIN! LET IT BEGIN!
My Falcons won! I am now unavailable on Sundays for the next 16 weeks!