SHO NUFF!

1. Tropic Thunder/Par-DW Wknd/$ 16.1 Total/$ 65.7
2. The House Bunny/Sony Wknd/$ 15.1 Total/$ 15.1
3. Death Race/Universal Wknd/$ 12.3 Total/$ 12.3
4. Batman: Dark Knight/WB Wknd/$ 10.3 Total/$ 489.2
5. Star Wars: The Clone Wars/WB Wknd/$ 5.7 Total/$ 25.0
6. Pineapple Express/Sony Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 73.9
7. Mirrors/Fox Wknd/$ 4.9 Total/$ 20.1
8. The Longshots/MGM Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 4.3
9. Mamma Mia/Universal Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 124.5
10. The Mummy 3/Universal Wknd/$ 4.1 Total/$ 93.8

AS A WRITER HE’S A HELLUVA ACTOR
Much to my surprise, Tropic Thunder holds at number one and this was co-written by none other than Justin Theroux…who should really not quit his day job. You know him best from Sex & The City as the writer whose mom was Rhoda and whose dad was Illya Kuryakin from Man from U.N.C.L.E. You’d think an actor would do a little more fleshing out of characters, but that’s only for characters they’re playing themselves, which is why co-writer Ben Stiller’s character actually does get that. Only Robert Downey Jr. seemed to understand if you want more you have to take it. A secret he failed to share with Jack Black. Everyone likes to think they can be a writer, but there’s a big difference in being able to imagine something and being able to imagine something and convey well to others in a written form. Hell, I do this half in the bag. Imagine how good it’d be if I did it sober!?! The lack of spelling errors alone would reveal new layers of brilliance. And if you’re an Iron Man fan be afraid, be very afraid because he’s writing the sequel. What qualifies him to write the sequel, you might ask? Absolutely nothing, which is why geeks all are over the world are currently crying into their fan-scripts right now. It’s at times like this I’m grateful I’m not an Iron Man fan because this movie does not bode well for the future.

LEGALLY BUT PROBABLY NOT A NATURAL BLONDE
The House Bunny opens at number two and this is from the writers of Legally Blonde who decided to keep milking that cow (apparently they’re not getting cut from the musical) and so once again we have the story of a blonde rejected only to rise again but with a little more depth. Only this time they dropped it a few I.Q. points and added boobs because rather than tell the story of a girl who’s smart enough to get into Harvard Law, it’s a ditz who convinces smart girls to slut up so people will like them. I’m not saying it’s isn’t true, because there are quite a few women I suddenly became fond of when they broke out the slutwear for the company Christmas party, but is it really something to be celebrating? I guess there was just too much empowerment going on and someone felt a step back was needed. But seriously, What. The. Fuck!?! Who in the 21st century of Hilary-Almost-Made-It makes a movie about how smart women have to show their tits and look pretty to be liked? Needless to say, I’ve got a little too much estrogen-enriched testosterone to see this. The little third wave feminist in me is pissed and she’s just not having it, especially given the lack of subversive wit. There should be some thorough mocking of this “boobs before brains” story. Let me put it this way: suppose it was the story of a male model who wound up taking care of a bunch of geeky guys in a frat house, do you think they’d have cast a bunch of attractive guys and made them look dweeby so they could slap a nice suit on them and suddenly get a hottie? No, they’d cast those dudes from Superbad who’d still get the hot girls despite their lack of chiseled abs. Unlike this, their beauty makeover montage (I don’t even have to see it to know there’s a beauty makeover montage; there’s always a beauty makeover montage in movies like this) wouldn’t reveal them to look like the dudes on Gossip Girl. They’d be a little better dressed but no more attractive, whereas one of the girls here was in fact “The Hot Girl” from Superbad! Never, ever doubt that Hollywood is run by dudes.

NO, THIS IS NOT WHAT THE ACCOUNTANTS AT WARNER BROTHERS CALL SPEED RACER
Death Race opens at number three and this is a remake of the cult classic Death Race 2000 from the 70’s from schlock-meister Roger Corman, most notable for its point system where you gained them by mowing people down. Of course when you remake this movie you keep its most famous aspect, yes? No. It’s gone entirely for better or worse and is taken far too seriously. In the hands of a director with vision and intelligence this is ripe for satire on the Robocop level, but in the hands of the man who brought you Resident Evil, this is a straight B action movie, where the best thing you can say is at least he kept it down to 90 minutes. Not that this will tarnish Jason Statham’s position as the B-list Action Movie King. If anything, this will help to solidify it. The thing is, he wants to be an A-list star, but A-list has to be better than this even when it sucks. You can’t show how debased society has become and not comment on how debased society has become and this does not, though set in a future where private corporations run prisons for profit and death matches have the sanction of the government. I think there was more satire in the 1975 version, whereas this is done with a straight face. I think the most subversive thing they do is have people smoke (but not the hero). Like The House Bunny, the very premise should be ridiculed within the film itself. Even worse, it’s got an “R” rating and actually mentions that having a hot female navigator is simply part of the selling point of Death Race. But there’s no sex or nudity. Why fail to accept that particular aspect of your B-Movie status while embracing all others? And what’s the point in Jason Statham if he’s not going to kick people in the head? This is what killed Jean Claude Van Damme’s career, you know. He decided he didn’t want to be known as a “martial arts guy” exclusively. Well congrats, monsieur. No one knows you at all now (they even have the Arnold/Jean Claude moment where they explain why he’s got an accent in America). Finally, how can you do this movie without even a cameo from either Sylvester Stallone or David Carradine? Stallone may turn his nose up at it, but given that Carradine is still milking the Kung Fu days with a movie on Spike TV called “Kung Fu Killer” (playing a character named “Crane” no less) I’d say he was available.

TRUTH, JUSTICE AND BUSTING A CAP IN A MUTHAFUCKA’S ASS
The Dark Knight is down to number four and this has resulted in both good things and bad things for Superman. First the good: the overwhelming success of rebooting Batman has confirmed what a mistake it was to allow Bryan Singer to continue a franchise that stopped over twenty years ago with his lackluster Superman Returns. Warner Brothers announced last week that it would not be getting a sequel and Superman would be rebooted as a franchise. The bad news is because The Dark Knight has domestically become the second most successful film in history (not adjusted for inflation) that they would be going “dark” with Superman and every superhero film. Bear in mind this is same moron who said Warner Brothers would no longer be making films with women in the lead only to have Sex & The City go on to make $388M worldwide. So basically, having tired of fucking Superman up in one way based entirely on numbers, they’ve decided to fuck Superman up in another way entirely, also based entirely on numbers.

BECAUSE “GOOD LOOKING MANCHILD” IS APPARENTLY AN OXYMORON
Star Wars: The Clone Wars is down to number five, followed by Pineapple Express at number six and what does this have in common with Tropic Thunder? Bill Hader and Danny McBride and in both they’re funnier than the film deserves. Danny McBride has been having a breakout year, starting with The Foot Fist Way, which was loved by Hollywood’s comedy elite such as Will Ferrell, Judd Apatow and Ben Stiller, hence his appearances in their camps, having previously appeared in The Heartbreak Kid with Ben Stiller and will be in Land of the Lost with Will Ferrell. He was also in Hot Rod and DrillBit Taylor with…Bill Hader, who is well known as an SNL cast member and obviously beloved by Apatow having been in Knocked Up, Drillbit Taylor Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Superbad and this. His starring role as one of Apatow’s manchildren is just a matter of time and probably with McBride at his side.

THAT “O” ALSO MEANS OSCAR IS NOT A COINCIDENCE
Mirrors is down to number six and also in this is Paula Patton, aka “That Girl You Initially Mistake For Halle Berry” and given that Halle is down for mommy duty, she should do what Faith Hill did when Shania Twain took some time off: rush in to fill that void as best you can as much as you can! And if that means taking that top off, you’d best get to it, ‘cause there’s a shelf life on that and Halle herself got it in just under the wire of people almost not caring anymore that it could make an onscreen impact. And she needs to just work more, period. Halle didn’t do crap like B.A.P.s, because of its potential excellence. It was work and it was a starring role. Same for the TV movies she’s done. So, no more playing “the wife” for guys like Keifer Sutherland. If you must be “the wife” or “the girlfriend” make sure “the husband” or “boyfriend” is A-list. Oh, and she became friends with Oprah, probably the best career move of all.

HE TRIED AND FAILED FOR THE NOOKIE, THE NOOKIE
Speaking of Halle Berry, The Longshots opens at number seven and this was directed by none other than Fred Durst who made a video of his crap remake of “Behind Blue Eyes” just to get a chance to kiss Halle Berry, who let him know his chances by eating garlic before the kissing scene. Yeah, best stick to groupie skanks and a drunk Britney Spears, dude. This also stars Ice Cube who continues to back his truck up to the family film bank. This is based on a true story of a girl who played quarterback in Pop Warner football. How sad is it when Fred Durst is your antidote to The House Bunny? This seems like a difficult story to fuck up, but if you’re going to, hiring Fred Durst to direct is the right move to make. And what genius decided to release this before football season started and before the last holiday weekend of the summer at the very least!?! It’s rare I say this, but this needed to come from Walt Disney. They’d have known how to properly package it. Let the devil do his work.

THE END
Mamma Mia is down to number nine, followed by The Mummy 3: Curse of the Dragon Emperor closing out the top ten at number ten.

GIVING FALSE HOPE TO THE BAND LOVERBOY
Remember when I mocked Rick Springfield’s new album a few weeks ago, saying no one would ever hear it (even as I put it on my iPod)? Well, a few days after that he performed it on General Hospital and his album debuted at #28. If his agent/manager/whatever isn’t calling Victoria’s Secret everyday trying to make some sort of deal, then he needs to be fired. Oh, and apparently “Jessie’s Girl” is the number karaoke song of all time. I call bullshit on that. I’m pretty sure it’s gotta be something by Journey.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE PULL OF CHEAP CHICKEN
The odd celebrity sighting of Dylan McDermott on 9th Avenue and 40th Street. He’s not that tall. I mean still taller than me, but not by much. And like most actors, thin. He must be doing a play at one of those theaters between 9th and 10th, because there’s simply no other reason for him to be there. Unless he’s cruising Port Authority for runaways now that he’s single or buying chicken cheap at that supermarket there like I was.

ME, I’M WAITING FOR DUREX ARENA
I don’t like baseball, but oddly I do enjoy going to Shea with my brother. He usually makes me go once or twice a year, but we missed 2007 entirely due to my bleeding brain. That’s probably why I forgot where to transfer and ended up in the wilds of Queens before heading back. It was imperative we get at least one game in this year given that it’s going to be torn down and taken over by Citi Field. Seeing the game live gives the sport the actual illusion of excitement for me. Also, when at a ball game I feel comparatively thin and handsome. It’s somehow fitting the biggest sports fans are those who look least likely to be able to play even shuffleboard without having a coronary. Apparently they’re still handing out one free gold necklace with every Mets jersey you buy and if you’re especially porky, you get a second, third and possibly seventeen. Normally, we go during the week and I recognized the wisdom of this when seated in front of a row of douchebag fans, the kind who haven’t been able to look down to see their tiny dicks since the alcohol induced weight gain of college. The Mets lost, but I could have cared less. My only desire to see them win in extra innings was that the people who left early would be denied the opportunity to see it. I hate people who leave early. These are the same fair weather fuckers who can’t buy enough paraphernalia when the team starts winning or makes it to the playoffs. They justify every dickhead athlete who abandons his team for more money or prestige elsewhere. When you come to see a sport, you stay until the game ends, period. If not, you deserved to be rooked for $6 sodas.

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE ONE OF THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE…ON SKATES
All I can say about the Williamsburg Bridge is that it has one mutha of a long incline. It’s not that steep, and I’ve done worse, but it seeming goes on for-fucking-ever. The reward, of course, is coming back. And I realize why I tend not to ride until around 3:00 or 4:00 on Saturday: less people. Going out at the peak of the afternoon is a fucking mess, not the least of which is the increase in hot women rollerblading. When you hear that I’ve killed myself on my bike, know that it wasn’t lack of a helmet, but being unable to take my eyes off that one cutie bobbing along in her tank top and short-shorts, which is apparently the Hot Female Rollerblader dress code (hot male rollerbladers just dispense with the shirt entirely showing you the 8-pack is no myth). They’re all out to get me.

NOTICE THERE’S NO LAW ABOUT A CALORIE COUNT ON DRINKS
So, I was wondering why my six day a week activity plan and salads almost every night hadn’t gotten me more than the initial ten pounds I lost almost immediately in May. I was wondering about it while taking out the recyclables, which consisted of orange juice containers and tequila bottles. Yes, liquid calories are the devil, kids. You can eat those cookies, but don’t you dare eat those cookies and have a soda. Granted, I may be a little excessive in the literal gallon of orange juice I consume every three days, but I blame the heat. When it cools off, that will come down. Likewise a liter of tequila a week. Only in the summer. Only in the summer. Of course, when it cools down I’ll probably be riding less so there will be no improvement. I already have a fucking cold thanks to the recent temperature dip.

Death claimed her third older Black actor in the form of Julius Carrey, best known to the world as the prettiest, the meanest, the baddest mo’ fo’ low down around this town, Sho ‘Nuff, from The Last Dragon. Samuel L. Jackson can now rest easy, but this saddens me because I had no idea how much this silly little movie meant to me until I read about his death. Anyone remember when Busta Rhymes played Sho Nuff in one of his videos?