TIGHTY BLACKIES

1. Four Christmases/WB Wknd/$ 31.7 Total/$ 46.7
2. Bolt/Disney Wknd/$ 26.6 Total/$ 66.9
3. Twilight/Summit Wknd/$ 26.4 Total/$ 119.7
4. Quantum of Solace/Sony Wknd/$ 19.5 Total/$ 142.1
5. Australia/Fox Wknd/$ 14.8 Total/$ 20.0
6. Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa/DreamW Wknd/$ 14.5 Total/$ 159.5
7. Transporter 3/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 12.3 Total/$ 18.5
8. Role Models/Universal Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 57.9
9. The Boy In The Striped Pajamas/Mira Wknd/$ 1.7 Total/$ 5.2
10. Milk/Focus Wknd/$ 1.4 Total/$ 1.9

ONE IS ONE TOO MANY
Four Christmases opens at number one and the holiday rule of fluff (no movie about Christmas can ever have any real depth or shading) is in full effect here. Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon are a couple who normally duck their families for Christmas, only to be outed on TV when fog causes their flight to be cancelled. They then have to visit all each individual parent’s home (both come from divorced homes) in one day. Of course all four parents live in California despite all but one parent having a southern accent! Of course much hilarity doth occur. Well, it’s supposed to anyway, but they simply lack the courage of their convictions. If you’re going to go with this type of over-the-top raunchy humor where vomit and grandmothers who take pride in their blowjobs are part of it, then go for it. Don’t wuss out for the family friendly PG13 rating. After all, it was Wedding Crashers more than anything Judd Apatow did that proved R-rated adult comedies could be profitable again. I mean, at one point Reese Witherspoon is bodyslamming 6-year-olds, but by the end it’s gone completely flaccid, as the fourth home visited lacks any of the over-the-top dysfunction we’ve see from the previous three, but instead is about love and family and zzzzz…. Seriously, who gives a shit? I can get this on TV for free. What I cannot get is Kristen Chenoweth as a slightly nymphomanic older sister (inspired casting by none other than Reese Witherspoon herself) with a bisexual husband and I expect you take that ball and run with it. And if you must go touch-feely, god forbid you shade characters who actually contribute to your idea of a loving family. Vaughn’s family is shown to be a bunch of white trash nutbags, but his brother’s marriage (the one played by longtime buddy, Jon Favreau) is actually successful. But god forbid the white trash family teach us. Oh, no. It’s only the patrician WASPs who can show us the real meaning of Christmas (this is the second time Reese Witherspoon, who is a serious little Southern Debutante, has been in a movie that mocks blue collar white people, but who’s counting). And if you think that women who like sex is just such a wacky idea, what else could it be but a joke, then this is your movie as it forms the basis for at least two of the segments. Vince Vaughn pretty much does the same motor mouth shtick that he always does and less of it is more. He needs a Wilson brother as a straight man, because his female co-stars are simply not strong enough to balance him out. But they do acknowledge that he’s become a fat, bloated bastard, so there’s that.

I’M SURE KRISTIN STEWART IS REALIZING HOW MUCH WEED THAT CAN BUY
Twilight is down to number two and the sequel is on the way with a ridiculous amount of money for the stars, which makes no sense. $12M each!?! Are you fucking kidding!?! What kind of moron didn’t lock them into a sequel without having an above-the-line payoff the size of the original’s budget? They’re going to destroy all the profitability of this series if they’re not careful. I mean, it’s not like anyone came to see the stars anyway. I’m still pushing for a prettier cast. Not that I’ll see it either way.

TELLING BOLT TO GO F**K HIMSELF WAS AN AD LIB THEY DROPPED
Bolt is down to number three and it’s a bit disappointing for it to have a holiday weekend and still not break $100M. If it were a Pixar film, people would be panicking, but since it’s Disney proper, it’s bordering on being somewhat expected. A sad statement on the company that was once “the” name in animated films. Just shows if you don’t move forward, you will be left behind. Somewhere Don Bluth is laughing his ass off. Playing the kidnapped cat, Mittens, is Suzie Essmen, whom some of you know from Curb Your Enthusiasm. I don’t because I couldn’t stand George on Seinfeld and have even less tolerance for his real life inspiration with no other characters to dilute him. I can’t go three seconds without wanting to punch the TV, he’s so fucking annoying.

YES, EVEN WORSE THAN DIE ANOTHER DAY
Quantum of Solace is down to number four and is this not the worst fucking Bond theme song ever? Yes, even worse than Octopussy because it’s taking itself so seriously as being badass, when it’s just disjointed and stupid. I know Jack White and Alicia Keys sounds interesting on paper, but in reality it’s just a mess. Makes you even sadder that Amy Winehouse’s long slow downward spiral prevented her from creating one with her producer, Mark Ronson. Hell, her song “I’m No Good” practically is already a Bond theme. Think about the lyrics, “I told you I was trouble/you know I’m no good.” Of course the lyrics, “You tear me down like Roger Moore” might be a bit too meta-textual. And I don’t think even Bond is ready for the version with Ghostface Killah.

"WHERE DO I BEGIN/TO TELL THE STORY OF HOW GREAT A LOVE CAN BE/WHEN I TOOK YOUR PEOPLE’S LAND JUST FOR ME…”
Australia opens at number five and this looks like a glorious mess that might be fun drunk with a group of friends, but otherwise it’s a no go. My primary problem with it is the use of an Aborigine child as a focal point of the story. Excuse me? That’s like telling a great romantic story of the Old West in America with a Cherokee child at the center. Everything that happens is ultimately at the expense of him and his people. You might as well just call it “White Imperialist Love Story.” And if there’s anything I really wanted to see or hear it was Nicole Kidman using her Australian accent. You know, the one that’s been slipping in almost every movie she’s ever done? How can you make a movie called Australia, put her in it then have her not use it? She’s playing an Englishwoman here and yes, they are different. Australian accents are warmer. Basically it’s an English accent with a twang.

“ONE DAY THOSE FOOLS AT DISNEY WILL PAY FOR NOT RECOGNIZING MY BRILLIANCE!”
Speaking of successful animated films, Madagascar: Back 2 Africa---down to number six---comes from Dreamworks when, once upon a time it would have come from Disney and nowhere else. The irony being, the original director of Bolt now works for Dreamworks so you know he’s laughing his ass of now, plotting his revenge film like Lex Luthor in cave.

BETTER HOPE THAT GUY RICHIE MAKES GOOD FILMS AGAIN CALLS
Transporter 3 opens up at number seven and recently Jason Statham complained he wasn’t getting enough respect as an action film star. Well, now you know why, don’t you? Now, the second film wisely altered the formula, first bringing him to America and then have him working as the driver/bodyguard of a child. This has him back in Europe, and the idea that The Transporter would be tied to his car is a novel twist, but there’s only one problem: no one is chasing him!!! Why would you need to hire the best getaway man if no one is coming after you!?! That the girl in the car is a kidnap victim is pretty much unknown even to him until halfway into the movie and never really made known to the general public. What should have happened is that every police force in Europe knew and is after him, so he’d have to avoid cops in every country he visits, but that never happens. There’s exactly one car chase and even then the guys chasing him are technically on his side, trying to save the girl. Then there’s the over-the-top bid to Statham’s growing female audience with numerous shirtless scenes. And if you don’t believe me, at one point he’s actually forced by a woman to strip. And what’s the point of that when we don’t even get to see the love scene? She’s Russian so this is another role Olga Kurylenko could have played, adding to her “tough action loner” movies. Given that you’re trying to entice more women, where’s the strong active female presence, like the uzi-happy blonde in Transporter 2 who made such an impact she was in all the posters? Going back to “female victim” like in the first film, is a huge mistake (and even then she wasn’t totally helpless).

HOPEFULLY A BLACK PRESIDENT WILL PUT AN END TO THIS
Role Models is down to number eight and the real name of the black kid in this movie is Bobb’e J. Thompson. Not “Bobby”, but “Bobb’e.” Someone please call Child Protection Services and save this child from his idiot parents. This is especially embarrassing as a Black person. At least when White people give their kids stupid names they still use REAL WORDS!!! Bronx Mowgli is dumb, but those are real words. As is Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee’s son). And we know Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter) is a real word, but Anfernee and Bobb’e are not. Much less shit like “Chucktavius.” And you only wish I was making that last one up. I’m not.

HOW TO WIN AN OSCAR
The Boy in Striped Pajamas holds at number nine while Milk opens at number ten and apparently this is the Oscar performance to beat, which makes sense. Everyone knows, if you want to win as Male, you either play, drunk, disabled (physically or mentally), die or play gay. As a Female you play drunk, disabled (physically or mentally), die or play a whore. Playing a gay woman will get you nothing unless she’s a hooker. Who’s a drunk. And dies.

NOW I JUST NEED SOME IN RED AND BLUE…
So Chasing Amy read about my tight plight and recommended a place on 14th Street called Jackrabbit where she gets her running tights (she did the NY Marathon). They were having a 50% sale on Black Friday. Now, if this were a real sporting goods store the ensuing testosterone might have lead to trouble, but the sports here are running, swimming, surfing and yoga, so at best you might get someone threatening to write a bad review on Cityscape. I didn’t get there until about 2:00, but one of the staff told me they had 50 people waiting outside at 11:00 am when they opened. It must be why I couldn’t find a decent jacket at all. It’s also why I couldn’t find tights in a medium. Everyone is in freaking shape so they took them all (I settled for two in large which still works because, you know, they’re tight). Think about it. Just how many fat runners, surfers, yoga-ers do you see? They had the extra large stuff marked down even lower than 50%, but what good does that do when you don’t have fat customers to begin with? The closest things to fat there were me and the pregnant woman shopping with her boyfriend. One person definitely not fat was the tall blonde in front of me in line for the dressing room in her tights displaying perfect ass and the beauty of Chasing Amy’s “fluid sexuality” is that I could text her and tell her, knowing she’d appreciate it. Now, I wonder about people like this who essentially put on a second layer of skin and leave the house. Unless you’re totally oblivious, you know you’re pretty much showing your ass to the world so you must be totally confident about it or utterly delusional, like say, the comely brunette I’d see the next day in Lincoln Center. Yes, she was pretty, yes she was thin, yes she apparently had the nicest breasts money could buy, but slim does not equal fit and her tights sadly indicated she’d done no gym time. Which is the thing about tights. You have to be pretty fucking out of shape not to look like a superhero in them (not to mention making it clear that it’s not just my politics that go to the left). Soon after I’d seen brunette I was out and about in my own tights and I’d wondered how she could be essentially wearing three pieces of clothing (tights, boots and a sweater and the tights made it very there was no underwear) and still be warm, but warm I was. Technology has improved athletic tights wonderfully since I bought my old ones from Finals 20 years ago. In fact, I felt as though I’d had on one layer too many on top at times, but coming back on my ride I ran into a headwind and was then very grateful. Now I just have to find some socks and gloves since they’re the last remaining parts on my body still freezing when I ride.

WILL BABYSIT FOR SHOES
AJ Smile and her husband didn’t go gracefully into that good night of the suburbs, which is why they take “vacations” into the city on a regular basis like this past weekend. This time, however, the brought their kids and I joined them for dinner at Vinyl Diner at its new location between 50th and 51st Streets. In the move it’s become a little more of a hipper scene than it used to be. The kid’s menu is gone and music is always playing somewhat loudly. It made me miss the nice bar that used to be there years ago. The reason you gain weight as parent is not just because you don’t have time to work out, but because you wind up eating the food you get for your kids that they ultimately will only taste but not finish and you know it cost too much to waste. This is how AJ Smile and I wound up eating the macaroni and cheese she got for her son in addition to our own meals because it was just a bit too gourmet for kids, with the nutmeg and goat cheese. That’s simply not what your average kid wants in his mac & cheese. It’s meant to be comforting, not interesting. Afterwards we met up with friends of theirs also from the Jersey burbs and also in town with their kids. Except these friends are the same ones who own an apartment in the Chatham 44 at 44th and 10th, where we all eventually wound up (after ice cream), the kids in one room, the wine-drinking adults in another. The two groups of kids are apparently at perfect fit being of the same ages (the younger and older kids all line up) and getting along without fighting, which of course means they’re not real kids, but aliens masquerading as children. Of course they would not remain isolated for long, which is how I somehow fell into the job of “Tickle Monster.” Now, this is either a particularly brilliant or lazy version of tickle monster, because I really didn’t have to chase them, capture them and tickle them. I just had to sit on the couch of pretending like I was going to do so. But they seemed wise to this, so I had to up my game by pretending to at least try to grab them, though one had the novel idea that I always had to be touching the couch, even if it were just by a toe, as they ran around me just out of reach. It was perfect for burning off the macaroni and cheese. But at the end the night fate revealed its purpose for having me there. As it turns out, the husband of AJ Smile’s friend works for the company that runs…Kenneth Cole. Did I mention how utterly wonderful your children are?

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE LAYER

1. Twilight/Summit Wknd/$ 70.6 Total/$ 70.6
2. Quantum of Solace/Sony Wknd/$ 27.4 Total/$ 109.5
3. Bolt/Disney Wknd/$ 27.0 Total/$ 27.0
4. Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa/DreamW Wknd/$ 16.0 Total/$ 137.4
5. Role Models/Universal Wknd/$ 7.2 Total/$ 48.0
7. High School Musical 3/Disney Wknd/$ 2.0 Total/$ 86.8
6. Changeling/Universal Wknd/$ 2.6 Total/$ 31.6
8. Zack & Miri Make A Porno/Weinstein Wknd/$ 1.7 Total/$ 29.4
9. The Boy In The Striped Pajamas/Mira Wknd/$ 1.7 Total/$ 2.7
10. The Secret Life of Bees/Fox Wknd/$ 1.3 Total/$ 35.6

DREAMY AND DEAD
Twilight opens at number one and not being a female, much less a teenage female this is both unappealing and unknown. Well, unknown until I read about it in Entertainment Weekly, but it remains unappealing. I had more interest in Blood & Chocolate (also based on a series of books) because at least there the female protagonist was the werewolf. She had the power. Here, she just a girl in love with a dude who happens to be a vampire. She’s not killing them or anything. And I’m sorry, but the dude playing the vampire lead, is ugly. Just. Plain. Ugly. How they’re selling him as the dreamy lead is beyond me. See, it’s a cruel irony, but when a man is pretty, he’s actually prettier than his female lead (see: Depp, Johnny or Bloom, Orlando). That’s not the case here and irony is the female lead kinda looks like a very pretty boy and has actually played that in the past. Given its huge opening vs. minimal production costs, if they aren’t in production on the sequel by summer, they’ve fucked up. You’ve got the book rights, if you had half a brain, you locked up the actors for sequels, so you should be able to just back the truck up to the mint and take the money home. And if anyone gives you shit, honestly, you can fire them. The story is genuinely the star here, so you might be able to fire anyone and everyone given they’re all damn near unknowns. Maybe this time you’d actually get a pretty cast.

NEXT UP: SALMA HAYEK AS THE GERMAN BARMAIDEN
Quantum of Solace is down to number two and as the hot girl in this is Olga, Kurylenko, whom you might know as the hot girl from Hitman earlier this year or the hot, doomed girl in Max Payne a few weeks ago. Basically, if you’ve got a movie about a troubled loner with a gun, she’s your exotic go-to girl. But only Hitman used her to her full potential, which is to say, naked. Ironically, though Bond has upped the level of the violence, it maintains its almost Victorian views of female nudity---unless you’re dead and covered with a foreign substance. She’s strangely cast as a Bolivian Secret Service agent. First, Bolivia has a secret service? Second, she’s Russian and never speaks a word of Spanish in the film. I guess they figure we can’t tell one accent from another and sadly, they’d be right.

I’D MAKE A KRYPTO JOKE HERE, BUT NO ONE WOULD GET IT
Bolt opens at number three and initially, I was going bypass this as yet another Pixar-wannabe effort from Disney, who can’t seem to grasp that it’s more than just a look, it’s the heart of their films that puts Pixar on top. Then I saw the hamster (in the film we learn his name is “Rhino”). Maybe it because I could relate to a fat little TV obsessed character. It helps that this was in production (Disney had a falling out with the original director and had briefly shut it down) when Pixar re-upped with Disney, so they came in and did a little work on this film, though not quite enough because it only operates on one level. What you see is what you get here, but fortunately what you get isn’t all bad. Bolt is dog starring in a show about a super-dog and his “person” Penny. The twist is, to get a better performance out of him, they do all they can to make him think its real, so when he escapes into the real world he can’t quite understand why his powers don’t work (yes, it’s a little Buzz Lightyear). One aspect of the story that isn’t explored at is that while he obviously has no superpowers, many of the tricks he learned on the show involving do work quite well. He’s actually more of a superdog than he thinks and in a real Pixar film this would have been examined. It’s actually one of his attempts to use his superpowers that lands him in New York, where a couple of guido type pigeons trick him into kidnapping the cat that’s been extorting food from them. The gag of pigeons is used twice more in the film, but it’s the LA pigeon joke that’s the funniest and feels more like a Pixar joke (there’s also a direct imitation of the seagull joke from Finding Nemo used here in a kennel filled with dogs). The first few minutes of the film is from the Bolt TV show and watching it I was taken by how much I really enjoyed the superdog story and given how Disney almost always makes a TV version their films, if they make it about the superdog and follow the plot of him fighting the evil Calico (get it?), I may have to watch it. But they have to write the hamster in as a sidekick.

AND HE WAS ONLY ONE OF FOUR WRITERS ON “GLAMOROUS”
Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa is down to number four and aside from Bernie Mac also hopping onboard this animated gravy train are Alec Baldwin, Andy Richter, and Will I. Am and Fergie---most likely because Will I. Am won’t let her out of his sight, because she’s now his gravy train given every other endeavor he’s made without her has failed, most notably the solo album from the lead singer of The Pussycat Dolls. The singles tanked so badly, they wouldn’t even release the album. Basically, she’s a pop music Mick Jagger, the frontman and sex symbol of a successful group who cannot buy solo success.

AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT BOOBS
Role Models is down to number five and special points for having every topless woman in the movie possessing real breasts. Yes, it does matter.

THE OTHERS
Changeling is down to number six, followed by High School Musical 3, which was the greatest casualty to the release of Twilight.

AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT PENISES
Down to number eight is Zack & Miri Make A Porno and if one of your complaints is the lack of male frontal nudity (i.e. “dick”) in Hollywood film, Kevin Smith’s competition with Judd Apatow is working for you, as no one else is putting more schlong onscreen than they are. Unfortunately it’s never from anyone you’d like to see. So in a film with none other than Superman himself, Brandon Routh, or even Justin Long, the “Mac Guy” all you get is longtime Smith Alum, Jason Mewes, best known to most of you as the Jay in “Jay & Silent Bob.” Hey, it could have been worse. It could have been Kevin Smith himself.

I’M HERE TO EASE YOUR GUILT OVER BLOWING THIS OFF EVEN WHEN IT’S ON CABLE
The Boy In The Striped Pajamas opens at number nine and if there’s a Holocaust movie released, it must be Oscar season, because as Roberto Begnini has taught us, it doesn’t matter how much your movie sucks, if it’s a Holocaust movie you can still win an Oscar. Now, I don’t know if this is any good or not, but it would have to be great to see another Holocaust movie because I am pretty much burned out on them, much less one whose central plot point depends on a Jewish kid in a concentration camp being able sit unnoticed at a fence and talk to a German boy. I’m not even going to get into the horrible fact that kids who couldn’t work were usually killed immediately in the camps. Yeah, these kinds of uplifting facts are what keep me away. Suspension of disbelief is for ugly fat guys getting hot chicks, not movies like this. You’re probably better of seeing Au Revoir Les Enfant if you want to see how the Holocaust contributes to a loss of childhood innocence (trivia: Reservoir Dogs came from Tarantino’s time working in a video store because that’s what a dumbass customer asked for when looking for Au Revoir Les Enfant).

THE END
Finally, The Secret Life of Bees closes out the top ten at number ten.

MY CONTINUING DESCENT INTO INSANITY
If you told me back in the spring I’d seriously consider paying $50 for tights so I could ride my bike in the November cold, I’d have choked on my double cheese pizza laughing at you. But after a week of not doing my usual nighttime rides because of the weather (be it rain or cold) and not making my kung fu classes (stupid job), I had to do something, so Saturday afternoon, I dragged out my old workout lycra (anyone remember Finals in Soho?), layered myself on top and hit the bike path---straight into a fucking headwind blowing southeast as I headed north up the Westside. Holy. Shit. I was fine when the path took me off the river, but on the river “the hawk” was all on my ass, blowing so hard it knocked my speed from 15-16 mph to 9-10 mph. Suddenly, $50 for some Under Armour Cold Gear seemed perfectly reasonable if not cheap. And I wouldn’t give up my resulting time in a hot shower for sex. In fact, I’d kick any woman who tried to join me out (that’s my hot water, bitch!). Ditto for the chili and spicy cornbread I had to have later (that’s my cornbread, bitch!).

AND YES, I STILL INSIST RAP KILLED TRADITIONAL R&B IN THE 90’S
I have to admit, the McDonald’s commercial done like a typical R&B video makes me laugh. What’s worse is that it’s one of the few time you’ll actually hear an R&B song these days rather than a rap song.

AND HERE’S THE PART WHERE I SUMMARIZE AN AWARDS SHOW…
The American Music Awards…yes, Christina Aguilera has a great voice and for better or worse this goes hand-in-hand, step with her love of being devotedly gaudy and tacky. You’d think she’d be more or a gay icon. But it’s not a good sign when you have to do a career encompassing melody to remind people just who you are. Let me put it this way, do you think Justin Timberlake or Britney would have do it? Exactly.…okay, Jamie Foxx is living proof of why certain men cannot wear boots with the pantsleg tucked in…I won’t front. I like the New Kids On The Block song “Single” and they just should have done that rather than this melody because every thing else they’ve ever done just sucks. But notice how a group trying to come back has to do a melody…Pink all glammed up. Who’d a thunk it? It works as a nice contrast to the fact the song is totally modern. Not to constantly slam on Christina, but she wasn’t this interesting…I know who Taylor Swift is, but I don’t care who Taylor Swift is. It’s not even that it’s country music---no, wait. It is…and while I know little and care less about Country, even I know that Rascal Flatts sucks…I like the fact that Nee Yo is trying to continue doing R&B and even tries to throw some old school flava on it, but no matter how much I try, I just don’t like his music. And if he’s here, why didn’t he join New Kids on “Single”? Oh, that’s right, they fucked it up with a melody…because I’m fast forwarding and not listening, I had to wonder what happened to Beyonce for a moment, only to realize it’s Leona Lewis. The bulk of her existence has totally flown past me and I’m grateful for it…and this may seem odd, but I find Miley Cyrus to remarkably normal given her place in the world. Of course this may seem funny in ten years when she’s on her third marriage, fourth child and back in rehab. But she’s like Debbie Gibson in that she’s kinda dull because she’s not fucked up given how successful she is…for a second I have to wonder exactly what U2 song Coldplay is doing. And someone should tell him, his voice isn’t strong enough for him to move an inch, much least jump around…Mariah Carey. Snore…weren’t The Fray supposed to go away by now? Seriously. They’re boring and their music sucks….okay, just how much power will women need to have before high heels, much less high heels while fucking dancing, are a thing of the past? Think Hillary would have stopped it if she won? I wonder if this was chosen for the song because Justin Timberlake dancing to it was so popular last week on Saturday Night Live, because it’s actually worse than “If I Were A Boy” and that’s saying something. I love that she’s not only got an all chick band, but it’s an all-black all chick band…The Jonas Brothers. Um, no. I’ve got nothing against pop, but this sucks and their nasally voices are horrible. Haven’t their balls dropped yet? And why do I know that they’ve dated Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift? I’d kill myself if I knew exactly which brother…Pussycat Dolls. Okay, where’s my vertical split? Wait are they actually letting one of the other girls make a distinct vocal impact? That’s what happens when your solo work bombs and you have to stay. Stripper poles? Well, at least we’re not pretending. Aw, the vertical split isn’t as impressive if she’s leaning on something…Annie Lennox is a fucking goddess. I can’t believe they had enough taste to acknowledge this…so does Daniel Bedingfield now just manage his sister’s money? And if Natasha’s last single hadn’t kinda tanked, she wouldn’t be doing a medley either...sorry, Rhianna, but an eyepatch may seem like a good style idea, but it ruins your balance, because you’re used to having two eyes. I wonder how many times she fell in rehearsal? And now it’s gone for probably that very reason. And this song by Justin Timberlake is just a revamping of “Whatever Goes Around”…crazy ass Kanye West. I know he’s good at what he does, but I have zero interest in it. I prefer him working for other people…Sarah McLachlan? Unfortunately, I now associate this song with saving dogs and Pink showing up doesn’t change that. Any moment now I expect the stage to be filled with stray pets while Sarah talks about how your money can help save them. I wonder if this duet is a result of them both having the same divorce lawyer?...as Steven Tyler and Joe Perry come out I think of that site that features pictures of men who look like middle-aged lesbians…and Alicia Keys is boring the hell out of me before Queen Latifah comes out. Well, after they turn on her mike anyway. And Kathleen Battle comes out and it just gets weird. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and this odd combination is what you have to listen to as you walk it. It only it had ended five minutes ago.

I PREFER A MATURE WINE

1. Quantum of Solace/Sony Wknd/$ 70.4 Total/$ 70.4
2. Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa/DreamW Wknd/$ 36.1 Total/$ 118.0
3. Role Models/Universal Wknd/$ 11.7 Total/$ 38.1
4. High School Musical 3/Disney Wknd/$ 5.9 Total/$ 84.4
5. Changeling/Universal Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 27.6
6. Zack & Miri Make A Porno/Weinstein Wknd/$ 3.2 Total/$ 26.5
7. Soul Men/MGM Wknd/$ 2.4 Total/$ 9.4
8. The Secret Life of Bees/Fox Wknd/$ 2.4 Total/$ 33.7
9. Saw V/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 1.8 Total/$ 55.4
10. The Haunting of Molly Hartley/Free Wknd/$ 1.6 Total/$ 12.7


THE BOND IDENTITY
Quantum of Solace opens at number one and this continues the more nitty-gritty Bond that was in Casino Royale, which is to say more like Jason Bourne. But unlike Bourne Bond can still smile and crack a joke---even when he’s dressed to the nines and hell bent of making anyone connected with Vesper’s death suffer and die (this film literally begins just after the last one ended). This unfortunately leaves the plot a little muddled as it pretty much takes a backseat to the story of James Bond going off the reservation for revenge, an idea already used in License To Kill (it’s a statement of progress that they left the title as is, rather than dumbing it down the way they did for License To Kill which was originally called License Revoked). There’s even the same scene were M turns up on location (are their no other agents that M has this much time to devote to Bond?) with other agents to take Bond in and he kicks their asses and gets away. But that’s not a deliberate reference. That actually occurs at the beginning of that same scene when we see a murdered British Agent who’d been drowned in oil laid naked in Bond’s bed like Jill Masterson in Goldfinger. But it doesn’t stop there as the bad guys are the same secret organization who trapped Vesper in the first film and they are essentially a new version of SPECTRE from the older Bond films. One of the best moments in the film is their meeting at the opera for Tosca that Bond infiltrates and after disrupting it, everyone runs to the exits, the villains from Bond and Bond from their bodyguards. In a wordless scene where the only sound is the music from the opera, Bond and the central bad guy actually run into each other in the lobby. The scene cuts back and forth from opera to the ensuing firefight and is your first clue you’ve got something other than your typical action movie guy (Mark Forster, director of Monster’s Ball and Finding Neverland). This is also the second Bond movie that actually makes notice of the fact that the women around Bond tend to die (the first being Goldeneye) and I wonder if they’ll make notice of it in future films, as some plot threads were deliberate left dangling. Ironically, there’s a bit too much of Bond being physically invulnerable even as they show his emotional vulnerability. There’s just way too much jumping and falling and even though he’s shown with cuts and bruises, he’s popping back up much too quickly. Next week we’ll trying to understand why a hot Bolivian girl is played by a hot Russian and why a British girl in Bolivia is running around in Uggs and a raincoat. You wish I were kidding.

I AIN’T SCARED OF AFRICA, MUTHAFUCKA
Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa is down to number two and it’s going oddly unmentioned that Bernie Mac is also one of the voices in this, as none other than Ben Stiller’s dad. That’s my most compelling reason to see this yet.

ALYSSA MILANO REGRETS IT TOO AND SHE OUGHTA KNOW
Role Models is down to number three and the climax of the film is a big role-playing game battle where the last person standing becomes king. Given this is just a bunch of dweebs with swords made out of foam rubber with duct tape over them, I thought it was a bit strange how accomplished some of the fighting looked so I stayed to see the credits and there’s a reason: Jeff Imada did the fight choreography. It’s a tribute to my supreme geekness that I even know this man’s name, thanks to years of him being in martial arts movies. Ironically enough, he was the fight coordinator for last two Jason Bourne movies. A friend of Brandon Lee, son of Bruce, he’s worked on Daredevil, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Blade and obviously, The Crow. Because I like him I won’t bring up his involvement in Double Dragon. Oops.

COULD I GET ONE OF THOSE IN A LARGE?
High School Musical 3 is down to number four and Vanessa Hudgens has always disturbed me by being a little too hot for someone her age. She didn’t help matters any by taking that nude photo of herself in a perfect pose. Well, relief is at hand. She always seemed very familiar to and last week it suddenly dawned on me: she’s just a little Brooke Burke, whom I can lust after (and have for years) with no guilt whatsoever. Sigh. Life is good.

TV LOVES ME
Changeling is down to number five and just last week a study revealed that unhappy people watch more TV. Duh. What next? Dudes, with no girlfriends jerk off more? Lonely people eat more chocolate? This matters because also in Changeling is Jeffery Donovan, best known as the star of Burn Notice, a show I love but have strangely not watched though I have every episode from the summer on my DVR. Now could this mean I’m not as unhappy as I was last summer? You know, the summer where my frigging brain bled? Hmmm….

NOTICE HOW OLD PORN DUDES NEVER GET MAINSTREAM WORK. THAT’S SEXIST.
Zack And Miri Make A Porno is down to number six and how can you have a movie about porn without real porn stars? You can’t, hence the presence of Katie Morgan, that squeaky voiced girl from HBO and none other than Traci Lords, whom I never thought would let herself be identified this way given her time in the porn business was underaged and with a coke addiction. She should consider herself lucky, given how many girls from the 80’s and 90’s are now back doing porn as part of the “MILF” and “Cougar” trend. I mean, that’s what I heard…from a friend. You don’t know him. He’s from Canada. I was never a fan of Traci Lords back in the day and I can’t remember Katie Morgan from the one thing I know I must have seen her in. So basically Kevin Smith’s taste in porn stars sucks too. No, that’s not a pun, so get a life.

SEE!?! YOU’LL NEVER SEE TOM BYRON NEXT TO SAMUEL L. JACKSON.
Speaking of porn, making an appearance in Soul Men, down to number seven this week, is none other than Vanessa Del Rio, which tells you flat out your director is probably over 40. I’m both curious and afraid to see what she looks like now. Mostly the latter.

SOON TO BE ON A DVD SHELF NEAR YOU
The Secret Life of Bees is down to number eight, followed by Saw V at number nine and closing out the top ten is The Haunting of Molly Hartley.

GOT ANY ASS BONE CREAM?
For better or worse, global warming has given me more days of riding on my bike. I thought for sure I’d put this thing away in October and not see it again until spring. That’s because I was still thinking there were four seasons. No, it’s mid-November and I’m not only still riding my bike, but on Saturday I was riding my bike in shorts and short-sleeves. And yes, hot rollerblading women are still out there as well as those douches who feel the need to run shirtless so long as the temperature remains above freezing. I didn’t think it was going to happen because I woke up to rain, but when I came out of the movies, the sun was shining and the skies were blue, so I rushed home to get my bike on because I’ve actually become one of those guys who needs to be active a certain times a week or I get weird. It’s a betrayal of all my slacker impulses. But helping to maintain my enthusiasm is my new odometer! Now I know how far I’m going and how fast. Because I’ve no sense of these things, I had no idea I average around 15 mph, which lets me know that I’m always breaking that 5 mph rule on one of the paths. My weekday route down to Battery Park is 13.3 miles, all flat and takes me about an hour. My current weekend route is a modification of my original one; up the West Side and back down. It takes me about two hours and ranges 20-30 miles, but is not totally flat especially since I now go into Inwood Park with its steep hills and odd winding, broken trails, which get a little hairy when they’re carpeted with fallen leaves. So much of it really is broken and you may unknowingly hit the equivalent of a pothole. Add to the mix the leaves are wet on some steep hills and you’re asking for trouble. I didn’t mean to go through the park this time, only around it, but you can’t fully. That’s because it’s more a place to walk and take in the beauty of the multi-colored leaves falling---one of which fell directly onto my face, briefly blinding me. It was impressive enough to prompt a guy to shout out, “You got hit with a hot one, son!” I’m not sure how a gigantic, cold, wet leaf is a “hot one” but okay. Remember those clear, blue skies? By the time I started going around Inwood, not only were they were gone, but it got so dark street lights started automatically switching on. I always carry my Metrocard with me for occasions like this, in case the weather turns on a dime and I have to hop on the train. Luckily, it didn’t and the darkness did eventually a tiny bit. At least long enough for me to get home semi-dry. But I may need a new seat cushion because now my ass bone is starting to hurt when it never did before.

LADIES NIGHT…AGAIN.
When my liver collapses you can blame women, because these Jezebels gatherings are coming a little too frequently. This time is was at a Lower East Side bar called Tribe on St. Marks and 1st (which, of course meant a geek stop before the night was over at St. Mark’s Comics) and for the first time, I was the sole member of the core group still around with a few newbies, not the least of whom was The OshKosh B’Gosh Girl, always strangely smiling at me. It’s actually very sad when you realize in almost two years of usually being the sole male in a group of up to twenty women, this the first time anyone has even attempted flirting with me. And she was flirting because she accused me of giving her a “James Bond look.” I don’t even know what that means. I knew I had to get away from this because well, aside from her obviously being too young and talking about her boyfriend, I’m not made of steel, so as we all began to depart for the night and OshKosh B’Gosh began to make it very clear she was willing to continue blowing off the friends she’d already been blowing off most of the night, I decided to see if Dorito Cheeseburger Woman was around to save me from myself, as I was only six blocks from her apartment. She was and I was gone. The aforementioned Global Warming was still in full effect, so DCW and I went up to her roof where she proved to be more entertaining than usual, showing me how a thong was good for holding a lighter when you’re wearing exercise pants with no pockets, weirding me out by standing a little too close the edge of the roof, then telling me the amusing, yet slight creepy story of a dude trying to turn a business trip she was on into a business/pleasure trip. What made it amusing is that she told me he looks like Shaggy from Scooby Doo and imagining Shaggy trying to put his mack down is just funny (“Zoinks! You’re so fine I’d drink your bathwater.”). She also told me she’s still getting some grief over coming out as a Republican, albeit good-natured. Then she showed me her photo with John McCain and Sarah Palin that all the drivers got to take. For the sake of her career, she might want never to mention that to anyone.

BOOTS, NO LONGER JUST FOR PUSS
I’ve been thinking about this for awhile and now it’s reached critical mass: wearing boots with the pantsleg tucked in. Now for women it’s redundant. If you’re wearing boots with jeans, of course your pantsleg is tucked in, because the point of boots is to show the boot. No woman in the world is covering her $1000 Ferragamo boots with denim (though usually it’ll be a nice skirt). With men, it’s only done by gay men (their appreciation of fashion leaves no other choice), dudes in bands (trying to be different) and Eurotrash (because…they’re Eurotrash). This has nagged at me since seeing I’m Not There where Richard Gere’s amazing boots pulled me out of the movie because I want them, but have no idea how I could wear them. Now, as fall has descended, seeing women constantly in amazing boots on display everywhere leaves me envious with my boots thoroughly covered by a variety of boot cuts, but could I do it? After much discussion with both women and gay men, I’m afraid the answer is “No.” I’m simply not skinny enough, the one constant present in all the types of men who do wear boots with their pantsleg tucked in. Besides, my next fashion desires are cape and canes with swords in them and it’s such a slippery slope, that I’d best not risk it.

NU SHOOZ

1. Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa/DreamW Wknd/$ 63.5 Total/$ 63.5
2. Role Models/Universal Wknd/$ 19.3 Total/$ 19.3
3. High School Musical 3/Disney Wknd/$ 9.3 Total/$ 75.7
4. Changeling/Universal Wknd/$ 7.3 Total/$ 20.6
5. Zack & Miri Make A Porno/Weinstein Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 20.9
6. Soul Men/MGM Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 5.6
7. Saw V/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 52.3
8. The Haunting of Molly Hartley/Free Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 10.2
9. The Secret Life of Bees/Fox Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 29.9
10. Eagle Eye/Par-DW Wknd/$ 2.6 Total/$ 92.4

HURRY BOY IT’S WAITING THERE FOR YOU
Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa opens at number one and I almost saw this. I didn’t care too much for the sum of the first one, but did like many of its parts, most notably the penguins, the monkey and the lemurs. And I’m not the only one, as the penguins not only return, but also they had a short on the DVD and will also be getting their own TV show. What I could care less about were the main characters as voiced by Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, Jada Pinkett-Smith and David Schwimmer, all of whom are as grateful to this as Cameron Diaz and Mike Meyers are to Shrek for paying the bills with very little effort. And Jada Pinkett-Smith and David Schwimmer pretty much have no career without it, so you know they’re already planning on how to spend the check for the inevitable Madagascar 3.

ROLE WITH IT
Role Models opens at number two, giving all the teenagers who wouldn’t be caught dead in Madagascar somewhere to go. Again, this is an obvious offshoot of the Apatow machine, starring and co-written by frequent player, Paul Rudd. Also here is Elizabeth Banks from The 40 Year Old Virgin and Christopher Mintz-Plasse aka, Maclovin’ from Superbad. The difference? Well, you’ve still got your gooey center despite all the R-rated humor, but looking at Sean William Scott and Paul Rudd for 90 minutes is a helluva lot easier than looking at Seth Rogen and his ilk for two fucking hours. It’s also much easier to believe that Elizabeth Banks is with Paul Rudd than her lusting for Seth Rogen. We’re still in the manboy area, but it’s a bit more “man” than “boy” as Paul Rudd is in an angry, bitter rut at 35. It’s a purely adult frustration he suffers from, whereas Sean William Scott is wallowing in his immaturity, happy to dress up like a Minotaur as a way of making a living while chasing everything in a skirt. When Rudd’s anger bubbles over, they find themselves doing community service at a Big Brother Type of organization. Of course, William Sean Scott is the nicer of the two and gets the meaner kid, while Rudd gets one of the geekier characters in recent memory: a kid totally devoted to Live Action Role Playing. Imagine if Dungeons & Dragons met a Renaissance Fair. And you without your machine gun. To their credit they don’t go too much for the cheap joke of merely mocking these people and eventually does afford them a begrudging respect. Which is more than I ever would have done, because I truly, truly hate them. I’m a Star Trek and Superman geek and I still look down on these people. But there’s a nice running joke about the band Kiss that pays off in both unexpected and expected ways (hint: Elizabeth Banks has the same first name as her character). The only thing missing is an appearance by a member of the band.

KEEPING THE ANGRY IN “ANGRYGEEK”
High School Musical is down to number three as the kids and teenagers who were seeing it have all found other movies to occupy their time, and it’s followed by Changeling at number four and this was written by J. Michael Stryczynski who is best known to you people as the creator of Babylon 5, but to me he’s one of the worthless cocksuckers who have been ruining the Spider-Man comic book for the last decade or so. He’s responsible for such notable stories as Peter Parker not being Spider-Man because he was bitten by a radioactive spider, but the spider was merely trying to give him his powers before the radiation killed it. Basically, magic. Yeah, it’s stupid. Even more stupid was his idea that Gwen Stacey had gotten pregnant by Peter Parker and their mutant children had rapidly grown into adults and were now trying to kill him. This incredibly stupid idea was changed by the editors into Gwen Stacey instead sleeping with Norman Osborn, The Green Goblin, and their mutant children had rapidly grown into adults and were trying to kill Peter Parker because they thought he was their father BECAUSE IT WAS FUCKING RIDICULOUS TO ANYONE THAT GWEN STACEY WOULD FUCK NORMAN OSBOURN!!! He also wrote a horrible, horrible 9/11 issue of Spider-man where all the supervillains like Dr. Doom and Magneto were in tears over the Twin Towers, even though they’d all tried to utterly destroy the city if not the entire fucking planet themselves. Such crap. This is why I love Heroes. Stryczynski also created a comic book series called Rising Stars, which was about ordinary people suddenly getting super-powers. Sound familiar? Tim Kring, the creator of Heroes, says someone recommended he read the book but he decided not to because he didn’t want to be “influenced” by it. Translation: if I use his ideas I have to pay him. I love that Kring has made millions and this douche gets jackshit for the same idea. Oh, and supposedly Star Trek Deep Space 9 was made after Paramount rejected Babylon 5. It may not be true, but I like to think it is. Hey, this ain’t happygeek.com.

EVEN SLUT BLONDES ARE PREFRRED
Zack & Miri Make A Porno is down to number five and speaking of Spider-Man, this gives Elizabeth Banks two films in the top ten. In case you didn’t notice she played Betty Brant in all three films and as longtime fans know, Betty was Peter Parker’s girlfriend before Gwen Stacey and Mary Jane Watson. She left him when her stupid criminal brother got himself killed by a guy Spider-Man was trying to save them from. Elizabeth Banks and Malin Akerman (the Cameron Diaz-looking blonde who had the threeway with “E” on entourage and the wife of the freak in Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle) are loved by people like Judd Apatow, Kevin Smith and The Farrelly Brothers because they are cute blondes who are down for any and every kind of dirty joke. And Malin will even do nudity, which Banks will not, even in a movie about making porn. She also recently played Laura Bush in W, so now “real” directors are noticing her, meaning dick jokes may soon be a thing of the past.

NOT THAT I’M ASKING FOR A COMMODORES REUNION, ‘CAUSE I’M NOT
Soul Men opens at number six and this is just depressing as both Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes are both in this. Apparently at the end there will be Samuel L. Jackson and cockroaches. Honestly, even if he were alive I’d have no interest in this. It looks dull and formulaic and not even the personalities of the stars can save it. They should have made it about the reunion of an old 70’s soul band like an R&B version of Still Crazy and just filled it with every middle-aged Black actor and/or comedian they could find. And maybe even some real musicians like Lionel Richie or something. Now, that I would have gone to see.

THE OTHERS
Saw V is down to number seven, followed by The Haunting of Molly Hartley at number eight and The Secret Life of Bees at number nine.

YOU CAN’T “WILL” THE MONEY OUT OF PEOPLE’S POCKETS
Closing out the top ten is Eagle Eye and now is the time to let it go, Spielberg. This movie is not going to break $100M. In the words of Nelson Muntz: “Ha-ha.”

DAMME DAY AFTERNOON
Not breaking the top ten is JCVD, one of the most surprising movies you will ever see, mainly because of its star: Jean-Claude Van Damme. Yes, it’s about him being taken hostage in a bank robbery, but it’s not an action movie. It’s about middle-aged, has-been actor Jean-Claude Van Damme home in Brussels and being taken hostage in a botched bank robbery because he needs money being wired to him by a producer friend because he’s broke. The twist is, everyone believes he’s robbing the bank, a fiction the real crooks force him to maintain or they’ll kill people (why is it the crook with the worst hair is always the killer?). The entire movie is shot in grainy, diluted colors and it’s also all in French, so he’s keeping it pretty real. This kind of metatextual exercise commands a total surrendering of ego and he does it all the way to the surprising end. Of course, it’s not without missteps and it’s a doozy. A five-minute monologue about his life and career that threatens to undo all the goodwill earned in the previous 90 minutes. Also, not enough is done with the crowds outside, who still love their hometown hero even though they think he’s robbing a bank! It needed a bit more of a push to the absurd, though it spends quite a bit of time there. They’d have been better off dropping the monologue scene for another Steven Segal or John Woo joke and there are plenty of Steven Segal and John Woo jokes.

SHOES FOR CHANGE
So yes, we have a new president and no, this isn’t about my politics. It’s about how that was an excuse for me to buy new shoes. See, on Election Day Kenneth Cole had a 44% off sale (get it? 44th Presidential election?) and I had no choice but to buy the shoes I’ve been looking at for the past few months, waiting for the price to drop, because I simply cannot fathom paying $165 for what are essentially a pair of upscale low-cut Chuck Taylors. Even with the 44% off, I resisted. I consulted my baby sister, who told me to go for it (and helped me pick a color). I consulted one of my bosses whom I like because she drinks tequila, curses like a sailor and somewhat resembles Debra Messing (“It’s because she’s a tall, loud Jew and I’m a tall, loud Jew” she explains). She told me to wait for the inevitable holiday sales. I wound up giving in because these shoes would be a celebration and I had to stay positive. To not get shoes would mean I thought we would lose. I actually picked them up on the way to an election party in Brooklyn with my Jezebels and if anyone says I cried, called my dad (who marched in Birmingham with Martin Luther King and faced off with cops and fire hoses) and cried some more, they’re lying. I just got tequila in my eyes. Because of my tequila tears, I didn’t wake up the next day until 1:00, but it was okay, because I’d already arranged for the day off. Yes, on the day of one of the greatest achievements of Black people in America, I fulfilled a stereotype and didn’t go to work because I’d been boozing it up with mostly White women. I also used my day off to get myself a sex toy. There were all sorts of consumer Election Day specials other than Kenneth Cole. Starbucks gave you free coffee, Ben & Jerry’s gave you free ice cream, Krispy Kreme cage you a free doughnut and Babeland gave you a free sex toy. For women it was a vibrator and for men it was a…”Maverick?” Yeah, I had no idea either, but I had to have one on principle alone. It turns out to be a “dick sheath.” Imagine a big, thick rubber ribbed condom turned inside out to rub against you rather than inside the woman. Yeah, it looks scary (it comes inside out, so it looks like a cactus). Which is why it’s still in the box sitting on my DVR. It’s only funny if it’s never used. Other than that it’s just fucking sad, because no vagina I’ve ever felt feels like a bunch of rubber nodules rubbing along it. If it did, I’d get her a doctor. Sadder still are the reviews of it on the Babeland site! Dude, even if you had one why the hell would you tell the world you’re wearing it out and need another!?! Then there’s the wife who got one to keep her husband off her... Again, if he’s finding equal relief in giant ribbed rubber, he probably was no fan of fucking you either. Oh, and before you judge me? This special goes on until November 11th. Let’s see you resist.

THEY CAN’T ALL BE WINNERS
You’d think that with all the shows shooting in NYC, I’d see more stars, but as it is, it’s been Cedric The Entertainer in the Food Emporium on 49th and 8th and Peter Dinklage walking his dog on 5th Ave and 8th. How sad is this? Fucking Cedric the Entertainer? Sigh.

SEE, AMERICA IS ALREADY BETTER
And if the election wasn’t good enough news, the proposed Dick Grayson TV series about his life before Batman called “The Graysons” where he’d be called “DJ Grayson” has been shut down in the planning stage. First of all, this was a stupid, stupid idea. Who the fuck wants to see the adventures of a carnival family? What were they going to do? Go from town to town stopping crimes? Unlike Clark Kent or Bruce Wayne whose paths to being heroes were as kids, so you do have that history to mine, Dick Grayson’s path before his parent’s death was to just be another circus entertainer. And this show has a shelf life because Dick Grayson has to be young when his parents die. The whole “ward” thing doesn’t work if he’s 28. Now, I haven’t been buying DVDs because I’m planning an eventual upgrade to a HDTV and Blu-Ray DVD player, but to celebrate this, I bought the 4th Season of the recent Batman animated series when Robin was introduced. The best episode is the take-off of Assault on Precinct 13, when Robin and Batgirl have to defend a police station when The Black Mask’s gang comes to break him out. Robin rules, bitches.

THE RIGHT (WING) KINDA LOVE

1. High School Musical 3/Disney Wknd/$ 15.0 Total/$ 61.8
2. Zack & Miri Make A Porno/Weinstein Wknd/$ 10.7 Total/$ 10.7
3. Saw V/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 10.1 Total/$ 45.8
4. Changeling/Universal Wknd/$ 9.4 Total/$ 10.1
5. The Haunting of Molly Hartley/Free Wknd/$ 6.0 Total/$ 6.0
6. Beverly Hills Chihuahua/Disney Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 84.1
7. The Secret Life of Bees/Fox Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 25.3
8. Max Payne/Fox Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 35.6
9. Eagle Eye/Par-DW Wknd/$ 3.4 Total/$ 92.5
10. Pride & Glory/Warner Wknd/$ 3.3 Total/$ 11.6

WHEN HARRY FUCKED SALLY
High School Musical holds unsurprisingly at number one while on the opposite end of the spectrum, Zach and Miri Make A Porno opens at number two and the title gives you a heads up as to the biggest problem with this movie: it’s dated. From the title on down this feels very much like an idea Kevin Smith had in 1995 but is just getting around to making. He says he just told Harvey Weinstein the title and got a greenlight and that makes sense, because it doesn’t feel as if anyone thought this through. First of all, the current vernacular is actually “sex tape” and if it’s of the more professional variety, people say either “porno movie” or “porn.” And if you were being cutesy, you’d say “dirty movie” but that wouldn’t cause the very mild controversy this film desperately needed for some extra attention. But beyond that, the very plot makes no sense. They’re broke and need money, so they decide to make a porn movie. Um, it costs money to make a movie and you won’t see a return for months, which isn’t going to help if your power is out right now and you’re literally building a fire in your living room like they are. But even though they do hit up a friend for money, why not just do it online? It’s 2008. How does an online site never enter into this? Also, Seth Rogan’s initial selling point is that their former classmates would be their initial source of revenue, but we see they were either barely remembered or unpopular to begin with, so why would anyone pay to see them? It would be different if Miri were the former prom queen or Zack was the class brain everyone thought would ultimately be successful. Everyone loves to see the top dog fall. And Miri is unwilling to fuck a stranger on film, which is why it has to be Zack, but she’s won’t simply go to the local strip bar for quick loot? This plot hole is made even more apparent when they go to strip club to recruit talent. And even when we overlook all these plot holes, the initial story is a stock-in-trade cliché. Once they have sex, things get complicated between the friends-since-first-grade. God forbid maybe it’s Miri who decides she likes fucking on film and it’s only Zack who feels the stirrings of romance. Or how about no fucking romance at all!?! As someone with 99% female friends I assure you it is possible to know someone attractive and not harbor some lingering torch for them. This annoyed me with When Harry Met Sally and it annoys me now. God forbid anyone make a movie where friends bone and remain just friends. If Kevin Smith were operating in the here and now rather than the 90’s, he’d know of the concept of “friends with benefits” which two people in their late 20’s like Zack and Miri would be very familiar with and probably practiced it so fucking on film would hardly cause complications. Of course we need to suspend our disbelief that someone who looks like Elizabeth Banks would fuck someone like Seth Rogen under any condition. This is unintentionally tested by Elizabeth Banks lusting for literally Superman, as Brandon Routh turns up as her high school crush who is now gay and dating a male porn star---and if you thought that logically, they’d both be involved with their, you thought wrong. That makes too much sense (the porn star should have been the one to come up with the idea and convince them to do it) and given how funny it would have been, would have needlessly improved this film. The simple fact is, Judd Apatow has totally replaced Kevin Smith and his amateur hour productions (you’ve been doing this for 15 years! If you’re not a director now, you never will be so let someone else do it!) and co-opting a few of his stars is not going to help you. The only advantage Smith still has is that he gives more weight to his female characters---which is to say any at all.

MOVIE VS. ANOTHER DRINK? GUESS WHO WON?
Saw V is down to number three which is a sign this franchise might finally running out of gas given this was a Halloween weekend. If you can’t get money out of drunks in costumes, then you can’t get money.

YOU THINK GUESS HE FEELS LUCKY, PUNK?
The Changeling opens at number four and no, this is not a remake of that horror movie with the rocking chair that no one saw, but Clint Eastwood’s annual Oscar-bait movie. Every fall he releases something that is a seemingly attempt to Academy voters want to cream in the jeans, and this year is no exception. Angelina Jolie is a mother-fighting-the-system in this “based on a true story” offering and the real question is how was this not a Lifetime/Oxygen TV movie before now? I like Angelina Jolie, but am no fan of Eastwood’s sparse direction. For some movies it’s best to just let things unfold with little fanfare, but other times we need a vision and Eastwood rarely (if ever) offers you one. Oh, and it’s over two hours freaking long. That’s a lot of dry toast to eat.

PRETTY SCARY
The Haunting of Molly Hartley opens at number five and again, how sad is it to open this poorly on a Halloween weekend? Granted this had next-to-no advertising, which is surprising given the Gossip Girl pretty boy, Chace Crawford is in it, not to mention of the new 90210 girls. You’d think that alone would have been enough to leverage out a few more ducats for advertising, but apparently not. I personally would have gone back for reshoots and included a shower scene with him so useless and gratuitous, you’d think it was gay porn.

HOLY CAREER DERAILMENT
Beverly Hill Chihuahua is down to number six, followed by The Secret Life of Bees at number seven and Max Payne down to number eight and I can’t decide who is more surprising to see onscreen in this, Chris O’Donnell or Nelly Furtardo? Yeah, that Nelly. I’m gonna go with Chris O’Donnell because once upon a time he was a leading man. Or, was supposed to be. He was part of the School Ties crew, which included Brendan Fraser, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. He then blew up in Scent of A Woman (a horribly overrated movie) and the godforsaken Three Musketeers remake that I’m sure everyone is trying to forget, including Rod Stewart and Sting, who did that awful song with Bryan Adams. His heartthrob status was cemented with of the worst “Oirish” accents in history in Circle of Friends. Then came the beginning of the end: Batman Forever. After that came Mad Love, Love & War (where they had the nerve to cast him as Ernest Hemmingway), Batman & Robin and the final nail in his coffin: The Bachelor. Zach Efron, are you paying attention? One minute you’re on the top of the world and the next you’re lucky to be the guy who can’t bone Meredith Grey on Grey’s Anatomy.

I HAVE MET THE ENEMY AND SHE IS ME
Eagle Eye is still hanging around at number nine and Pride & Glory closes out the top ten at number ten and also in this is Carmen Egojo and she’s best known to (if at all) as Eddie Murphy’s girlfriend in the underrated Metro. She might have had a better career had it not been for Thandie Newton, who was also an insanely pretty, half-African, half-English actress (though technically Carmen’s mother is Scottish) who also played Sally Hemmings (Thandie on the big screen, Egojo on TV) blowing up at the same time in the late 90’s---except Thandie Newton’s buddy was none other than Nicole Kidman, who had Tom Cruise put her in Mission Impossible 2 (though he should have remembered her from Interview With A Vampire). This is why Thandie Newton is playing Condoleezza Rice right now and Carmen is…here. I’m pretty sure Thandie being skinnier and willing to do full frontal nudity had nothing to do with it.

THEY CALL ME THE SEEKER…
It seems there was one last TV show to roll out: The Legend of The Seeker, based on the Sword of Truth series of books by Terry Goodkind, but without its gore or sadomasochistic sex. I’ve never read the books because 1) I don’t read books, 2) I’m not a lonely chick or gay 15-year-old boy and 3) fantasy sucks. But I did enjoy the show. It comes from the production team that brought you Hercules and Xena, so expect a lot of Australian accents slipping on regular basis, but the production values seemed to have improved and I actually enjoyed the cheesy slow motion sword fights (but I’m a sucker for a sword fight to begin with). They also realize how important their female audience is, as not only is the female lead the first character you meet, but the first thing you see after the title is the hero shirtless, showing us his 2% body fat because that’s apparently the only way to build a bridge in fantasyland. The story is the same as always: evil wizard, heroic prophecy, goofy-ass names, blah, blah, blah, but once you accept that it’s not a bad way to spend 45 minutes a week. Just give me my slow motion sword fights and I’ll be back.

NOW I KNOW HOW MARIA SHRIVER FELT
I’ve actually managed to see Dorito Cheeseburger Woman (Karyn Plonsky) twice in year without being in a hospital bed. We had dinner last week (cheeseburgers, naturally) where I learned that not only was she a Republican, but a pretty hardcore one at that. She actually “came out” as one in New York Magazine last in a feature on the supposed rarity of a Republican in New York (alongside her brother). You wonder how any actor can be that way given that show business is filled with two things: Jews and gays and the right wing has never been a big supporter of either, but it happens. In fact, it’s because of this that douchebags like director David Zucker calls it “the new gay” because you feel pressed to hide it. I advised her to qualify it in terms of working when she quoted him in the future, because it’s a little offensive to compare yourself to people who are literally killed for being the way they are. But she’s so down, she actually got to drive around the McCain press corps when both he and Sarah Palin were in town. You know how freaking squeaky clean you have to be to get that job? Oddly, enough this makes me more attracted to her because now it’s wrong. I’m thinking I should call up T-Pain and cut a single, “I’m N Luv Wit A Republican.” I’m working on the lyrics:

Out of all the girls she be the hottest
Trying to stop gay marriage, I see u girl
No right to choose
And she lookin at me
Wants prayer in schools
The poor suffer the pain
Yea yea yea
From cuttin’ capital gains
I need to get her over to my crib and do that night thang
Cause I'm N Luv Wit a Republican

She bannin’ them books that she burnin’
She startin two wars and
I'm N Luv wit a Republican
She deregulatin so stop hatin’
I'm not goin nowhere girl I'm stayin
I'm N Luv with a Republican

THE GOOD DEATH
Death decided she needed new books, because she took Studs Terkel and well as mystery writer Tony Hillerman. She also wanted to get her freak on, because recently she’s taken porn directors Henri Pachard and Gerard Damiano, director of the legendary Deep Throat. Bear in mind a lot of these guys were in their 80’s, so it’s not quite the tragedy you might think.