TIGHTY BLACKIES

1. Four Christmases/WB Wknd/$ 31.7 Total/$ 46.7
2. Bolt/Disney Wknd/$ 26.6 Total/$ 66.9
3. Twilight/Summit Wknd/$ 26.4 Total/$ 119.7
4. Quantum of Solace/Sony Wknd/$ 19.5 Total/$ 142.1
5. Australia/Fox Wknd/$ 14.8 Total/$ 20.0
6. Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa/DreamW Wknd/$ 14.5 Total/$ 159.5
7. Transporter 3/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 12.3 Total/$ 18.5
8. Role Models/Universal Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 57.9
9. The Boy In The Striped Pajamas/Mira Wknd/$ 1.7 Total/$ 5.2
10. Milk/Focus Wknd/$ 1.4 Total/$ 1.9

ONE IS ONE TOO MANY
Four Christmases opens at number one and the holiday rule of fluff (no movie about Christmas can ever have any real depth or shading) is in full effect here. Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon are a couple who normally duck their families for Christmas, only to be outed on TV when fog causes their flight to be cancelled. They then have to visit all each individual parent’s home (both come from divorced homes) in one day. Of course all four parents live in California despite all but one parent having a southern accent! Of course much hilarity doth occur. Well, it’s supposed to anyway, but they simply lack the courage of their convictions. If you’re going to go with this type of over-the-top raunchy humor where vomit and grandmothers who take pride in their blowjobs are part of it, then go for it. Don’t wuss out for the family friendly PG13 rating. After all, it was Wedding Crashers more than anything Judd Apatow did that proved R-rated adult comedies could be profitable again. I mean, at one point Reese Witherspoon is bodyslamming 6-year-olds, but by the end it’s gone completely flaccid, as the fourth home visited lacks any of the over-the-top dysfunction we’ve see from the previous three, but instead is about love and family and zzzzz…. Seriously, who gives a shit? I can get this on TV for free. What I cannot get is Kristen Chenoweth as a slightly nymphomanic older sister (inspired casting by none other than Reese Witherspoon herself) with a bisexual husband and I expect you take that ball and run with it. And if you must go touch-feely, god forbid you shade characters who actually contribute to your idea of a loving family. Vaughn’s family is shown to be a bunch of white trash nutbags, but his brother’s marriage (the one played by longtime buddy, Jon Favreau) is actually successful. But god forbid the white trash family teach us. Oh, no. It’s only the patrician WASPs who can show us the real meaning of Christmas (this is the second time Reese Witherspoon, who is a serious little Southern Debutante, has been in a movie that mocks blue collar white people, but who’s counting). And if you think that women who like sex is just such a wacky idea, what else could it be but a joke, then this is your movie as it forms the basis for at least two of the segments. Vince Vaughn pretty much does the same motor mouth shtick that he always does and less of it is more. He needs a Wilson brother as a straight man, because his female co-stars are simply not strong enough to balance him out. But they do acknowledge that he’s become a fat, bloated bastard, so there’s that.

I’M SURE KRISTIN STEWART IS REALIZING HOW MUCH WEED THAT CAN BUY
Twilight is down to number two and the sequel is on the way with a ridiculous amount of money for the stars, which makes no sense. $12M each!?! Are you fucking kidding!?! What kind of moron didn’t lock them into a sequel without having an above-the-line payoff the size of the original’s budget? They’re going to destroy all the profitability of this series if they’re not careful. I mean, it’s not like anyone came to see the stars anyway. I’m still pushing for a prettier cast. Not that I’ll see it either way.

TELLING BOLT TO GO F**K HIMSELF WAS AN AD LIB THEY DROPPED
Bolt is down to number three and it’s a bit disappointing for it to have a holiday weekend and still not break $100M. If it were a Pixar film, people would be panicking, but since it’s Disney proper, it’s bordering on being somewhat expected. A sad statement on the company that was once “the” name in animated films. Just shows if you don’t move forward, you will be left behind. Somewhere Don Bluth is laughing his ass off. Playing the kidnapped cat, Mittens, is Suzie Essmen, whom some of you know from Curb Your Enthusiasm. I don’t because I couldn’t stand George on Seinfeld and have even less tolerance for his real life inspiration with no other characters to dilute him. I can’t go three seconds without wanting to punch the TV, he’s so fucking annoying.

YES, EVEN WORSE THAN DIE ANOTHER DAY
Quantum of Solace is down to number four and is this not the worst fucking Bond theme song ever? Yes, even worse than Octopussy because it’s taking itself so seriously as being badass, when it’s just disjointed and stupid. I know Jack White and Alicia Keys sounds interesting on paper, but in reality it’s just a mess. Makes you even sadder that Amy Winehouse’s long slow downward spiral prevented her from creating one with her producer, Mark Ronson. Hell, her song “I’m No Good” practically is already a Bond theme. Think about the lyrics, “I told you I was trouble/you know I’m no good.” Of course the lyrics, “You tear me down like Roger Moore” might be a bit too meta-textual. And I don’t think even Bond is ready for the version with Ghostface Killah.

"WHERE DO I BEGIN/TO TELL THE STORY OF HOW GREAT A LOVE CAN BE/WHEN I TOOK YOUR PEOPLE’S LAND JUST FOR ME…”
Australia opens at number five and this looks like a glorious mess that might be fun drunk with a group of friends, but otherwise it’s a no go. My primary problem with it is the use of an Aborigine child as a focal point of the story. Excuse me? That’s like telling a great romantic story of the Old West in America with a Cherokee child at the center. Everything that happens is ultimately at the expense of him and his people. You might as well just call it “White Imperialist Love Story.” And if there’s anything I really wanted to see or hear it was Nicole Kidman using her Australian accent. You know, the one that’s been slipping in almost every movie she’s ever done? How can you make a movie called Australia, put her in it then have her not use it? She’s playing an Englishwoman here and yes, they are different. Australian accents are warmer. Basically it’s an English accent with a twang.

“ONE DAY THOSE FOOLS AT DISNEY WILL PAY FOR NOT RECOGNIZING MY BRILLIANCE!”
Speaking of successful animated films, Madagascar: Back 2 Africa---down to number six---comes from Dreamworks when, once upon a time it would have come from Disney and nowhere else. The irony being, the original director of Bolt now works for Dreamworks so you know he’s laughing his ass of now, plotting his revenge film like Lex Luthor in cave.

BETTER HOPE THAT GUY RICHIE MAKES GOOD FILMS AGAIN CALLS
Transporter 3 opens up at number seven and recently Jason Statham complained he wasn’t getting enough respect as an action film star. Well, now you know why, don’t you? Now, the second film wisely altered the formula, first bringing him to America and then have him working as the driver/bodyguard of a child. This has him back in Europe, and the idea that The Transporter would be tied to his car is a novel twist, but there’s only one problem: no one is chasing him!!! Why would you need to hire the best getaway man if no one is coming after you!?! That the girl in the car is a kidnap victim is pretty much unknown even to him until halfway into the movie and never really made known to the general public. What should have happened is that every police force in Europe knew and is after him, so he’d have to avoid cops in every country he visits, but that never happens. There’s exactly one car chase and even then the guys chasing him are technically on his side, trying to save the girl. Then there’s the over-the-top bid to Statham’s growing female audience with numerous shirtless scenes. And if you don’t believe me, at one point he’s actually forced by a woman to strip. And what’s the point of that when we don’t even get to see the love scene? She’s Russian so this is another role Olga Kurylenko could have played, adding to her “tough action loner” movies. Given that you’re trying to entice more women, where’s the strong active female presence, like the uzi-happy blonde in Transporter 2 who made such an impact she was in all the posters? Going back to “female victim” like in the first film, is a huge mistake (and even then she wasn’t totally helpless).

HOPEFULLY A BLACK PRESIDENT WILL PUT AN END TO THIS
Role Models is down to number eight and the real name of the black kid in this movie is Bobb’e J. Thompson. Not “Bobby”, but “Bobb’e.” Someone please call Child Protection Services and save this child from his idiot parents. This is especially embarrassing as a Black person. At least when White people give their kids stupid names they still use REAL WORDS!!! Bronx Mowgli is dumb, but those are real words. As is Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee’s son). And we know Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter) is a real word, but Anfernee and Bobb’e are not. Much less shit like “Chucktavius.” And you only wish I was making that last one up. I’m not.

HOW TO WIN AN OSCAR
The Boy in Striped Pajamas holds at number nine while Milk opens at number ten and apparently this is the Oscar performance to beat, which makes sense. Everyone knows, if you want to win as Male, you either play, drunk, disabled (physically or mentally), die or play gay. As a Female you play drunk, disabled (physically or mentally), die or play a whore. Playing a gay woman will get you nothing unless she’s a hooker. Who’s a drunk. And dies.

NOW I JUST NEED SOME IN RED AND BLUE…
So Chasing Amy read about my tight plight and recommended a place on 14th Street called Jackrabbit where she gets her running tights (she did the NY Marathon). They were having a 50% sale on Black Friday. Now, if this were a real sporting goods store the ensuing testosterone might have lead to trouble, but the sports here are running, swimming, surfing and yoga, so at best you might get someone threatening to write a bad review on Cityscape. I didn’t get there until about 2:00, but one of the staff told me they had 50 people waiting outside at 11:00 am when they opened. It must be why I couldn’t find a decent jacket at all. It’s also why I couldn’t find tights in a medium. Everyone is in freaking shape so they took them all (I settled for two in large which still works because, you know, they’re tight). Think about it. Just how many fat runners, surfers, yoga-ers do you see? They had the extra large stuff marked down even lower than 50%, but what good does that do when you don’t have fat customers to begin with? The closest things to fat there were me and the pregnant woman shopping with her boyfriend. One person definitely not fat was the tall blonde in front of me in line for the dressing room in her tights displaying perfect ass and the beauty of Chasing Amy’s “fluid sexuality” is that I could text her and tell her, knowing she’d appreciate it. Now, I wonder about people like this who essentially put on a second layer of skin and leave the house. Unless you’re totally oblivious, you know you’re pretty much showing your ass to the world so you must be totally confident about it or utterly delusional, like say, the comely brunette I’d see the next day in Lincoln Center. Yes, she was pretty, yes she was thin, yes she apparently had the nicest breasts money could buy, but slim does not equal fit and her tights sadly indicated she’d done no gym time. Which is the thing about tights. You have to be pretty fucking out of shape not to look like a superhero in them (not to mention making it clear that it’s not just my politics that go to the left). Soon after I’d seen brunette I was out and about in my own tights and I’d wondered how she could be essentially wearing three pieces of clothing (tights, boots and a sweater and the tights made it very there was no underwear) and still be warm, but warm I was. Technology has improved athletic tights wonderfully since I bought my old ones from Finals 20 years ago. In fact, I felt as though I’d had on one layer too many on top at times, but coming back on my ride I ran into a headwind and was then very grateful. Now I just have to find some socks and gloves since they’re the last remaining parts on my body still freezing when I ride.

WILL BABYSIT FOR SHOES
AJ Smile and her husband didn’t go gracefully into that good night of the suburbs, which is why they take “vacations” into the city on a regular basis like this past weekend. This time, however, the brought their kids and I joined them for dinner at Vinyl Diner at its new location between 50th and 51st Streets. In the move it’s become a little more of a hipper scene than it used to be. The kid’s menu is gone and music is always playing somewhat loudly. It made me miss the nice bar that used to be there years ago. The reason you gain weight as parent is not just because you don’t have time to work out, but because you wind up eating the food you get for your kids that they ultimately will only taste but not finish and you know it cost too much to waste. This is how AJ Smile and I wound up eating the macaroni and cheese she got for her son in addition to our own meals because it was just a bit too gourmet for kids, with the nutmeg and goat cheese. That’s simply not what your average kid wants in his mac & cheese. It’s meant to be comforting, not interesting. Afterwards we met up with friends of theirs also from the Jersey burbs and also in town with their kids. Except these friends are the same ones who own an apartment in the Chatham 44 at 44th and 10th, where we all eventually wound up (after ice cream), the kids in one room, the wine-drinking adults in another. The two groups of kids are apparently at perfect fit being of the same ages (the younger and older kids all line up) and getting along without fighting, which of course means they’re not real kids, but aliens masquerading as children. Of course they would not remain isolated for long, which is how I somehow fell into the job of “Tickle Monster.” Now, this is either a particularly brilliant or lazy version of tickle monster, because I really didn’t have to chase them, capture them and tickle them. I just had to sit on the couch of pretending like I was going to do so. But they seemed wise to this, so I had to up my game by pretending to at least try to grab them, though one had the novel idea that I always had to be touching the couch, even if it were just by a toe, as they ran around me just out of reach. It was perfect for burning off the macaroni and cheese. But at the end the night fate revealed its purpose for having me there. As it turns out, the husband of AJ Smile’s friend works for the company that runs…Kenneth Cole. Did I mention how utterly wonderful your children are?