BUFFY THE VAMPIRE LAYER

1. Twilight/Summit Wknd/$ 70.6 Total/$ 70.6
2. Quantum of Solace/Sony Wknd/$ 27.4 Total/$ 109.5
3. Bolt/Disney Wknd/$ 27.0 Total/$ 27.0
4. Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa/DreamW Wknd/$ 16.0 Total/$ 137.4
5. Role Models/Universal Wknd/$ 7.2 Total/$ 48.0
7. High School Musical 3/Disney Wknd/$ 2.0 Total/$ 86.8
6. Changeling/Universal Wknd/$ 2.6 Total/$ 31.6
8. Zack & Miri Make A Porno/Weinstein Wknd/$ 1.7 Total/$ 29.4
9. The Boy In The Striped Pajamas/Mira Wknd/$ 1.7 Total/$ 2.7
10. The Secret Life of Bees/Fox Wknd/$ 1.3 Total/$ 35.6

DREAMY AND DEAD
Twilight opens at number one and not being a female, much less a teenage female this is both unappealing and unknown. Well, unknown until I read about it in Entertainment Weekly, but it remains unappealing. I had more interest in Blood & Chocolate (also based on a series of books) because at least there the female protagonist was the werewolf. She had the power. Here, she just a girl in love with a dude who happens to be a vampire. She’s not killing them or anything. And I’m sorry, but the dude playing the vampire lead, is ugly. Just. Plain. Ugly. How they’re selling him as the dreamy lead is beyond me. See, it’s a cruel irony, but when a man is pretty, he’s actually prettier than his female lead (see: Depp, Johnny or Bloom, Orlando). That’s not the case here and irony is the female lead kinda looks like a very pretty boy and has actually played that in the past. Given its huge opening vs. minimal production costs, if they aren’t in production on the sequel by summer, they’ve fucked up. You’ve got the book rights, if you had half a brain, you locked up the actors for sequels, so you should be able to just back the truck up to the mint and take the money home. And if anyone gives you shit, honestly, you can fire them. The story is genuinely the star here, so you might be able to fire anyone and everyone given they’re all damn near unknowns. Maybe this time you’d actually get a pretty cast.

NEXT UP: SALMA HAYEK AS THE GERMAN BARMAIDEN
Quantum of Solace is down to number two and as the hot girl in this is Olga, Kurylenko, whom you might know as the hot girl from Hitman earlier this year or the hot, doomed girl in Max Payne a few weeks ago. Basically, if you’ve got a movie about a troubled loner with a gun, she’s your exotic go-to girl. But only Hitman used her to her full potential, which is to say, naked. Ironically, though Bond has upped the level of the violence, it maintains its almost Victorian views of female nudity---unless you’re dead and covered with a foreign substance. She’s strangely cast as a Bolivian Secret Service agent. First, Bolivia has a secret service? Second, she’s Russian and never speaks a word of Spanish in the film. I guess they figure we can’t tell one accent from another and sadly, they’d be right.

I’D MAKE A KRYPTO JOKE HERE, BUT NO ONE WOULD GET IT
Bolt opens at number three and initially, I was going bypass this as yet another Pixar-wannabe effort from Disney, who can’t seem to grasp that it’s more than just a look, it’s the heart of their films that puts Pixar on top. Then I saw the hamster (in the film we learn his name is “Rhino”). Maybe it because I could relate to a fat little TV obsessed character. It helps that this was in production (Disney had a falling out with the original director and had briefly shut it down) when Pixar re-upped with Disney, so they came in and did a little work on this film, though not quite enough because it only operates on one level. What you see is what you get here, but fortunately what you get isn’t all bad. Bolt is dog starring in a show about a super-dog and his “person” Penny. The twist is, to get a better performance out of him, they do all they can to make him think its real, so when he escapes into the real world he can’t quite understand why his powers don’t work (yes, it’s a little Buzz Lightyear). One aspect of the story that isn’t explored at is that while he obviously has no superpowers, many of the tricks he learned on the show involving do work quite well. He’s actually more of a superdog than he thinks and in a real Pixar film this would have been examined. It’s actually one of his attempts to use his superpowers that lands him in New York, where a couple of guido type pigeons trick him into kidnapping the cat that’s been extorting food from them. The gag of pigeons is used twice more in the film, but it’s the LA pigeon joke that’s the funniest and feels more like a Pixar joke (there’s also a direct imitation of the seagull joke from Finding Nemo used here in a kennel filled with dogs). The first few minutes of the film is from the Bolt TV show and watching it I was taken by how much I really enjoyed the superdog story and given how Disney almost always makes a TV version their films, if they make it about the superdog and follow the plot of him fighting the evil Calico (get it?), I may have to watch it. But they have to write the hamster in as a sidekick.

AND HE WAS ONLY ONE OF FOUR WRITERS ON “GLAMOROUS”
Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa is down to number four and aside from Bernie Mac also hopping onboard this animated gravy train are Alec Baldwin, Andy Richter, and Will I. Am and Fergie---most likely because Will I. Am won’t let her out of his sight, because she’s now his gravy train given every other endeavor he’s made without her has failed, most notably the solo album from the lead singer of The Pussycat Dolls. The singles tanked so badly, they wouldn’t even release the album. Basically, she’s a pop music Mick Jagger, the frontman and sex symbol of a successful group who cannot buy solo success.

AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT BOOBS
Role Models is down to number five and special points for having every topless woman in the movie possessing real breasts. Yes, it does matter.

THE OTHERS
Changeling is down to number six, followed by High School Musical 3, which was the greatest casualty to the release of Twilight.

AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT PENISES
Down to number eight is Zack & Miri Make A Porno and if one of your complaints is the lack of male frontal nudity (i.e. “dick”) in Hollywood film, Kevin Smith’s competition with Judd Apatow is working for you, as no one else is putting more schlong onscreen than they are. Unfortunately it’s never from anyone you’d like to see. So in a film with none other than Superman himself, Brandon Routh, or even Justin Long, the “Mac Guy” all you get is longtime Smith Alum, Jason Mewes, best known to most of you as the Jay in “Jay & Silent Bob.” Hey, it could have been worse. It could have been Kevin Smith himself.

I’M HERE TO EASE YOUR GUILT OVER BLOWING THIS OFF EVEN WHEN IT’S ON CABLE
The Boy In The Striped Pajamas opens at number nine and if there’s a Holocaust movie released, it must be Oscar season, because as Roberto Begnini has taught us, it doesn’t matter how much your movie sucks, if it’s a Holocaust movie you can still win an Oscar. Now, I don’t know if this is any good or not, but it would have to be great to see another Holocaust movie because I am pretty much burned out on them, much less one whose central plot point depends on a Jewish kid in a concentration camp being able sit unnoticed at a fence and talk to a German boy. I’m not even going to get into the horrible fact that kids who couldn’t work were usually killed immediately in the camps. Yeah, these kinds of uplifting facts are what keep me away. Suspension of disbelief is for ugly fat guys getting hot chicks, not movies like this. You’re probably better of seeing Au Revoir Les Enfant if you want to see how the Holocaust contributes to a loss of childhood innocence (trivia: Reservoir Dogs came from Tarantino’s time working in a video store because that’s what a dumbass customer asked for when looking for Au Revoir Les Enfant).

THE END
Finally, The Secret Life of Bees closes out the top ten at number ten.

MY CONTINUING DESCENT INTO INSANITY
If you told me back in the spring I’d seriously consider paying $50 for tights so I could ride my bike in the November cold, I’d have choked on my double cheese pizza laughing at you. But after a week of not doing my usual nighttime rides because of the weather (be it rain or cold) and not making my kung fu classes (stupid job), I had to do something, so Saturday afternoon, I dragged out my old workout lycra (anyone remember Finals in Soho?), layered myself on top and hit the bike path---straight into a fucking headwind blowing southeast as I headed north up the Westside. Holy. Shit. I was fine when the path took me off the river, but on the river “the hawk” was all on my ass, blowing so hard it knocked my speed from 15-16 mph to 9-10 mph. Suddenly, $50 for some Under Armour Cold Gear seemed perfectly reasonable if not cheap. And I wouldn’t give up my resulting time in a hot shower for sex. In fact, I’d kick any woman who tried to join me out (that’s my hot water, bitch!). Ditto for the chili and spicy cornbread I had to have later (that’s my cornbread, bitch!).

AND YES, I STILL INSIST RAP KILLED TRADITIONAL R&B IN THE 90’S
I have to admit, the McDonald’s commercial done like a typical R&B video makes me laugh. What’s worse is that it’s one of the few time you’ll actually hear an R&B song these days rather than a rap song.

AND HERE’S THE PART WHERE I SUMMARIZE AN AWARDS SHOW…
The American Music Awards…yes, Christina Aguilera has a great voice and for better or worse this goes hand-in-hand, step with her love of being devotedly gaudy and tacky. You’d think she’d be more or a gay icon. But it’s not a good sign when you have to do a career encompassing melody to remind people just who you are. Let me put it this way, do you think Justin Timberlake or Britney would have do it? Exactly.…okay, Jamie Foxx is living proof of why certain men cannot wear boots with the pantsleg tucked in…I won’t front. I like the New Kids On The Block song “Single” and they just should have done that rather than this melody because every thing else they’ve ever done just sucks. But notice how a group trying to come back has to do a melody…Pink all glammed up. Who’d a thunk it? It works as a nice contrast to the fact the song is totally modern. Not to constantly slam on Christina, but she wasn’t this interesting…I know who Taylor Swift is, but I don’t care who Taylor Swift is. It’s not even that it’s country music---no, wait. It is…and while I know little and care less about Country, even I know that Rascal Flatts sucks…I like the fact that Nee Yo is trying to continue doing R&B and even tries to throw some old school flava on it, but no matter how much I try, I just don’t like his music. And if he’s here, why didn’t he join New Kids on “Single”? Oh, that’s right, they fucked it up with a melody…because I’m fast forwarding and not listening, I had to wonder what happened to Beyonce for a moment, only to realize it’s Leona Lewis. The bulk of her existence has totally flown past me and I’m grateful for it…and this may seem odd, but I find Miley Cyrus to remarkably normal given her place in the world. Of course this may seem funny in ten years when she’s on her third marriage, fourth child and back in rehab. But she’s like Debbie Gibson in that she’s kinda dull because she’s not fucked up given how successful she is…for a second I have to wonder exactly what U2 song Coldplay is doing. And someone should tell him, his voice isn’t strong enough for him to move an inch, much least jump around…Mariah Carey. Snore…weren’t The Fray supposed to go away by now? Seriously. They’re boring and their music sucks….okay, just how much power will women need to have before high heels, much less high heels while fucking dancing, are a thing of the past? Think Hillary would have stopped it if she won? I wonder if this was chosen for the song because Justin Timberlake dancing to it was so popular last week on Saturday Night Live, because it’s actually worse than “If I Were A Boy” and that’s saying something. I love that she’s not only got an all chick band, but it’s an all-black all chick band…The Jonas Brothers. Um, no. I’ve got nothing against pop, but this sucks and their nasally voices are horrible. Haven’t their balls dropped yet? And why do I know that they’ve dated Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift? I’d kill myself if I knew exactly which brother…Pussycat Dolls. Okay, where’s my vertical split? Wait are they actually letting one of the other girls make a distinct vocal impact? That’s what happens when your solo work bombs and you have to stay. Stripper poles? Well, at least we’re not pretending. Aw, the vertical split isn’t as impressive if she’s leaning on something…Annie Lennox is a fucking goddess. I can’t believe they had enough taste to acknowledge this…so does Daniel Bedingfield now just manage his sister’s money? And if Natasha’s last single hadn’t kinda tanked, she wouldn’t be doing a medley either...sorry, Rhianna, but an eyepatch may seem like a good style idea, but it ruins your balance, because you’re used to having two eyes. I wonder how many times she fell in rehearsal? And now it’s gone for probably that very reason. And this song by Justin Timberlake is just a revamping of “Whatever Goes Around”…crazy ass Kanye West. I know he’s good at what he does, but I have zero interest in it. I prefer him working for other people…Sarah McLachlan? Unfortunately, I now associate this song with saving dogs and Pink showing up doesn’t change that. Any moment now I expect the stage to be filled with stray pets while Sarah talks about how your money can help save them. I wonder if this duet is a result of them both having the same divorce lawyer?...as Steven Tyler and Joe Perry come out I think of that site that features pictures of men who look like middle-aged lesbians…and Alicia Keys is boring the hell out of me before Queen Latifah comes out. Well, after they turn on her mike anyway. And Kathleen Battle comes out and it just gets weird. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and this odd combination is what you have to listen to as you walk it. It only it had ended five minutes ago.