NU SHOOZ

1. Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa/DreamW Wknd/$ 63.5 Total/$ 63.5
2. Role Models/Universal Wknd/$ 19.3 Total/$ 19.3
3. High School Musical 3/Disney Wknd/$ 9.3 Total/$ 75.7
4. Changeling/Universal Wknd/$ 7.3 Total/$ 20.6
5. Zack & Miri Make A Porno/Weinstein Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 20.9
6. Soul Men/MGM Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 5.6
7. Saw V/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 52.3
8. The Haunting of Molly Hartley/Free Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 10.2
9. The Secret Life of Bees/Fox Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 29.9
10. Eagle Eye/Par-DW Wknd/$ 2.6 Total/$ 92.4

HURRY BOY IT’S WAITING THERE FOR YOU
Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa opens at number one and I almost saw this. I didn’t care too much for the sum of the first one, but did like many of its parts, most notably the penguins, the monkey and the lemurs. And I’m not the only one, as the penguins not only return, but also they had a short on the DVD and will also be getting their own TV show. What I could care less about were the main characters as voiced by Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, Jada Pinkett-Smith and David Schwimmer, all of whom are as grateful to this as Cameron Diaz and Mike Meyers are to Shrek for paying the bills with very little effort. And Jada Pinkett-Smith and David Schwimmer pretty much have no career without it, so you know they’re already planning on how to spend the check for the inevitable Madagascar 3.

ROLE WITH IT
Role Models opens at number two, giving all the teenagers who wouldn’t be caught dead in Madagascar somewhere to go. Again, this is an obvious offshoot of the Apatow machine, starring and co-written by frequent player, Paul Rudd. Also here is Elizabeth Banks from The 40 Year Old Virgin and Christopher Mintz-Plasse aka, Maclovin’ from Superbad. The difference? Well, you’ve still got your gooey center despite all the R-rated humor, but looking at Sean William Scott and Paul Rudd for 90 minutes is a helluva lot easier than looking at Seth Rogen and his ilk for two fucking hours. It’s also much easier to believe that Elizabeth Banks is with Paul Rudd than her lusting for Seth Rogen. We’re still in the manboy area, but it’s a bit more “man” than “boy” as Paul Rudd is in an angry, bitter rut at 35. It’s a purely adult frustration he suffers from, whereas Sean William Scott is wallowing in his immaturity, happy to dress up like a Minotaur as a way of making a living while chasing everything in a skirt. When Rudd’s anger bubbles over, they find themselves doing community service at a Big Brother Type of organization. Of course, William Sean Scott is the nicer of the two and gets the meaner kid, while Rudd gets one of the geekier characters in recent memory: a kid totally devoted to Live Action Role Playing. Imagine if Dungeons & Dragons met a Renaissance Fair. And you without your machine gun. To their credit they don’t go too much for the cheap joke of merely mocking these people and eventually does afford them a begrudging respect. Which is more than I ever would have done, because I truly, truly hate them. I’m a Star Trek and Superman geek and I still look down on these people. But there’s a nice running joke about the band Kiss that pays off in both unexpected and expected ways (hint: Elizabeth Banks has the same first name as her character). The only thing missing is an appearance by a member of the band.

KEEPING THE ANGRY IN “ANGRYGEEK”
High School Musical is down to number three as the kids and teenagers who were seeing it have all found other movies to occupy their time, and it’s followed by Changeling at number four and this was written by J. Michael Stryczynski who is best known to you people as the creator of Babylon 5, but to me he’s one of the worthless cocksuckers who have been ruining the Spider-Man comic book for the last decade or so. He’s responsible for such notable stories as Peter Parker not being Spider-Man because he was bitten by a radioactive spider, but the spider was merely trying to give him his powers before the radiation killed it. Basically, magic. Yeah, it’s stupid. Even more stupid was his idea that Gwen Stacey had gotten pregnant by Peter Parker and their mutant children had rapidly grown into adults and were now trying to kill him. This incredibly stupid idea was changed by the editors into Gwen Stacey instead sleeping with Norman Osborn, The Green Goblin, and their mutant children had rapidly grown into adults and were trying to kill Peter Parker because they thought he was their father BECAUSE IT WAS FUCKING RIDICULOUS TO ANYONE THAT GWEN STACEY WOULD FUCK NORMAN OSBOURN!!! He also wrote a horrible, horrible 9/11 issue of Spider-man where all the supervillains like Dr. Doom and Magneto were in tears over the Twin Towers, even though they’d all tried to utterly destroy the city if not the entire fucking planet themselves. Such crap. This is why I love Heroes. Stryczynski also created a comic book series called Rising Stars, which was about ordinary people suddenly getting super-powers. Sound familiar? Tim Kring, the creator of Heroes, says someone recommended he read the book but he decided not to because he didn’t want to be “influenced” by it. Translation: if I use his ideas I have to pay him. I love that Kring has made millions and this douche gets jackshit for the same idea. Oh, and supposedly Star Trek Deep Space 9 was made after Paramount rejected Babylon 5. It may not be true, but I like to think it is. Hey, this ain’t happygeek.com.

EVEN SLUT BLONDES ARE PREFRRED
Zack & Miri Make A Porno is down to number five and speaking of Spider-Man, this gives Elizabeth Banks two films in the top ten. In case you didn’t notice she played Betty Brant in all three films and as longtime fans know, Betty was Peter Parker’s girlfriend before Gwen Stacey and Mary Jane Watson. She left him when her stupid criminal brother got himself killed by a guy Spider-Man was trying to save them from. Elizabeth Banks and Malin Akerman (the Cameron Diaz-looking blonde who had the threeway with “E” on entourage and the wife of the freak in Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle) are loved by people like Judd Apatow, Kevin Smith and The Farrelly Brothers because they are cute blondes who are down for any and every kind of dirty joke. And Malin will even do nudity, which Banks will not, even in a movie about making porn. She also recently played Laura Bush in W, so now “real” directors are noticing her, meaning dick jokes may soon be a thing of the past.

NOT THAT I’M ASKING FOR A COMMODORES REUNION, ‘CAUSE I’M NOT
Soul Men opens at number six and this is just depressing as both Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes are both in this. Apparently at the end there will be Samuel L. Jackson and cockroaches. Honestly, even if he were alive I’d have no interest in this. It looks dull and formulaic and not even the personalities of the stars can save it. They should have made it about the reunion of an old 70’s soul band like an R&B version of Still Crazy and just filled it with every middle-aged Black actor and/or comedian they could find. And maybe even some real musicians like Lionel Richie or something. Now, that I would have gone to see.

THE OTHERS
Saw V is down to number seven, followed by The Haunting of Molly Hartley at number eight and The Secret Life of Bees at number nine.

YOU CAN’T “WILL” THE MONEY OUT OF PEOPLE’S POCKETS
Closing out the top ten is Eagle Eye and now is the time to let it go, Spielberg. This movie is not going to break $100M. In the words of Nelson Muntz: “Ha-ha.”

DAMME DAY AFTERNOON
Not breaking the top ten is JCVD, one of the most surprising movies you will ever see, mainly because of its star: Jean-Claude Van Damme. Yes, it’s about him being taken hostage in a bank robbery, but it’s not an action movie. It’s about middle-aged, has-been actor Jean-Claude Van Damme home in Brussels and being taken hostage in a botched bank robbery because he needs money being wired to him by a producer friend because he’s broke. The twist is, everyone believes he’s robbing the bank, a fiction the real crooks force him to maintain or they’ll kill people (why is it the crook with the worst hair is always the killer?). The entire movie is shot in grainy, diluted colors and it’s also all in French, so he’s keeping it pretty real. This kind of metatextual exercise commands a total surrendering of ego and he does it all the way to the surprising end. Of course, it’s not without missteps and it’s a doozy. A five-minute monologue about his life and career that threatens to undo all the goodwill earned in the previous 90 minutes. Also, not enough is done with the crowds outside, who still love their hometown hero even though they think he’s robbing a bank! It needed a bit more of a push to the absurd, though it spends quite a bit of time there. They’d have been better off dropping the monologue scene for another Steven Segal or John Woo joke and there are plenty of Steven Segal and John Woo jokes.

SHOES FOR CHANGE
So yes, we have a new president and no, this isn’t about my politics. It’s about how that was an excuse for me to buy new shoes. See, on Election Day Kenneth Cole had a 44% off sale (get it? 44th Presidential election?) and I had no choice but to buy the shoes I’ve been looking at for the past few months, waiting for the price to drop, because I simply cannot fathom paying $165 for what are essentially a pair of upscale low-cut Chuck Taylors. Even with the 44% off, I resisted. I consulted my baby sister, who told me to go for it (and helped me pick a color). I consulted one of my bosses whom I like because she drinks tequila, curses like a sailor and somewhat resembles Debra Messing (“It’s because she’s a tall, loud Jew and I’m a tall, loud Jew” she explains). She told me to wait for the inevitable holiday sales. I wound up giving in because these shoes would be a celebration and I had to stay positive. To not get shoes would mean I thought we would lose. I actually picked them up on the way to an election party in Brooklyn with my Jezebels and if anyone says I cried, called my dad (who marched in Birmingham with Martin Luther King and faced off with cops and fire hoses) and cried some more, they’re lying. I just got tequila in my eyes. Because of my tequila tears, I didn’t wake up the next day until 1:00, but it was okay, because I’d already arranged for the day off. Yes, on the day of one of the greatest achievements of Black people in America, I fulfilled a stereotype and didn’t go to work because I’d been boozing it up with mostly White women. I also used my day off to get myself a sex toy. There were all sorts of consumer Election Day specials other than Kenneth Cole. Starbucks gave you free coffee, Ben & Jerry’s gave you free ice cream, Krispy Kreme cage you a free doughnut and Babeland gave you a free sex toy. For women it was a vibrator and for men it was a…”Maverick?” Yeah, I had no idea either, but I had to have one on principle alone. It turns out to be a “dick sheath.” Imagine a big, thick rubber ribbed condom turned inside out to rub against you rather than inside the woman. Yeah, it looks scary (it comes inside out, so it looks like a cactus). Which is why it’s still in the box sitting on my DVR. It’s only funny if it’s never used. Other than that it’s just fucking sad, because no vagina I’ve ever felt feels like a bunch of rubber nodules rubbing along it. If it did, I’d get her a doctor. Sadder still are the reviews of it on the Babeland site! Dude, even if you had one why the hell would you tell the world you’re wearing it out and need another!?! Then there’s the wife who got one to keep her husband off her... Again, if he’s finding equal relief in giant ribbed rubber, he probably was no fan of fucking you either. Oh, and before you judge me? This special goes on until November 11th. Let’s see you resist.

THEY CAN’T ALL BE WINNERS
You’d think that with all the shows shooting in NYC, I’d see more stars, but as it is, it’s been Cedric The Entertainer in the Food Emporium on 49th and 8th and Peter Dinklage walking his dog on 5th Ave and 8th. How sad is this? Fucking Cedric the Entertainer? Sigh.

SEE, AMERICA IS ALREADY BETTER
And if the election wasn’t good enough news, the proposed Dick Grayson TV series about his life before Batman called “The Graysons” where he’d be called “DJ Grayson” has been shut down in the planning stage. First of all, this was a stupid, stupid idea. Who the fuck wants to see the adventures of a carnival family? What were they going to do? Go from town to town stopping crimes? Unlike Clark Kent or Bruce Wayne whose paths to being heroes were as kids, so you do have that history to mine, Dick Grayson’s path before his parent’s death was to just be another circus entertainer. And this show has a shelf life because Dick Grayson has to be young when his parents die. The whole “ward” thing doesn’t work if he’s 28. Now, I haven’t been buying DVDs because I’m planning an eventual upgrade to a HDTV and Blu-Ray DVD player, but to celebrate this, I bought the 4th Season of the recent Batman animated series when Robin was introduced. The best episode is the take-off of Assault on Precinct 13, when Robin and Batgirl have to defend a police station when The Black Mask’s gang comes to break him out. Robin rules, bitches.