THE MAN IN BLACK

1. Saw 3D/LionsGate Wknd/$ 22.5 Total/$ 24.2

2. Paranormal Activity 2/Parmount Wknd/$ 16.5 Total/$ 65.7

3. Red/Summit Wknd/$ 10.8 Total/$ 58.9

4. Jackass 3D/Parmount Wknd/$ 8.4 Total/$101.6

5. Hereafter/Warners Wknd/$ 6.3 Total/$ 22.2

6. Secretariat/Disney Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 44.8

7. The Social Network/Sony Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 79.7

8. Life As We Know It/Warners Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 43.5

9. The Town/Warners Wknd/$ 1.9 Total/$ 87.6

10. Conviction/Fox Searchlight Wknd/$ 1.8 Total/$ 2.4

WHAT? SHE GETS HER HEAD CHOPPED OFF, RIGHT?

Saw 3D opens at number one and this is the granddaddy of the torture porn movement we’ve been subjected to for nearly a decade…and by “we” I mean you idiots who actually paid to see gross depictions of murder and sadism trying to pass as horror. The only horror is the lack of imagination and talent on display. In the case of the first Saw film, however, I will say the concept of having to do something horrible or die a horrible death is a nice concept for a movie, but it’s clear that’s what the audience loved and not necessarily anything around it. Certainly no one has been able to use this to springboard into something else, not even the producers, who swear this is the last one. Probably because---aside from diminishing returns---it’s not exactly impressive on the old resume. “So you want to remake Anna Karenina. What else have you done? Seriously? Get the fuck out of my office.”

MILD SPOILERS FOR PEOPLE WHO DON’T GIVE A SHIT

Paranormal Activity 2 is down to number two and unlike the previous entry, this series is based purely on scaring the shit out of you through technique and I did read Themoviespoiler.com and actually this isn’t so much a sequel, but a prequel. The family in question is the family of the sister of the girl in the first and again at the heart of it is the dickhead they chose to be with. In the first one her asshole boyfriend ignores advice on dealing with the demon and in this one her asshole brother-in-law tries to bury his head in the sand over the fact they’re being tormented by a demon and then does something, really, really stupid that actually causes the events of the first film to occur. The message is clear ladies: the only thing worse than a demon in you lives is a dumbass man.

A MINOR STAR IN THE CONSTELLATION OF GEEK

RED holds at number three and also in this is Ernest fucking Borgnine. Seriously. You have no idea how high the age curve in this goes. And he’s actually fun to see. More of the real old guard in Hollywood needs to be given work like this. They instantly lend a sense of gravity to it, because as much as I like minor geek god, Karl Urban, he ain’t doing it. In fact unless you’re a geek, you don’t know who he is. But if you are a geek you know this dude has been in everything. The Bourne Supremacy (the badass Russian hitman), Lord of the Rings 2 & 3 (um, some guy), Doom (disappointing millions by being the hero instead of The Rock), Star Trek (doing a perfect Dr. McCoy) and my personal favorite Cupid on Xena. No, actually it’s Lord Vakko in Chronicles of Riddick, but it’s hysterical he was once Cupid. Next up in his geek pantheon: he’s going to be the new Judge Dredd, which this role shows he can do quite well.

SOMETIMES SLUT SHAMING IS JUSTIFIED

Jackass 3D is down to number four and I don’t mean to be cruel, but if his simply being famous made you sleep with a guy who calls himself Wee Man, then you’d be better off if your daddy issues only had you stripping. Or doing porn. Seriously.

SERIOUSLY, HE’S A LOSER

Hereafter is down to number five, followed by Secretariat at number six and one thing they have to leave out of a movie like this is that owner of Secretariat had actually won with another horse before Secretariat, so it’s not like she would have been a failure without him. It’s like finding out that Rudy was actually a champion tennis player while trying to get on the Notre Dame football team. He wasn’t. He wasn’t good at anything but being a living representation of “If you throw enough at the wall, something’s gotta stick.”

IT ALWAYS COMES BACK TO THIS

The Social Network is down to number seven and the geek connection in this film is that the actor playing Eduardo, Andrew Garfield, will be the new Spider-Man in the reboot.

TV IS CALLING, DUDE. DON’T IGNORE HER SIREN SONG.

Life As We Know It is down to number eight and also in this is Josh Lucas. Remember him? Seven years ago he would have been the male lead, but now he’s just the cute pediatrician, undoubtedly here as a device to make Josh Duhamel jealous thus propelling the contrived relationship with Katherine Heigl. Where’d it all go wrong, Josh? Sweet Home Alabama put you on the map to being a romantic leading man. Being a less-skeevy version of Matthew McConughey should have been the way to go, but your choices (i.e., your agent) doomed you. I know a movie with Robert Redford and Morgan Freeman directed by Lasse Hallstrom (who is actually a painfully overrated director) sounded good on paper, but the fact that Jennifer Lopez was the female lead should have let you know it was doomed. After all, she couldn’t make a good movie with the real McConughey. Stealth was so bad it cooled off Jamie Foxx’s Oscar heat and a Poseidon Adventure remake? Dude, there had to be a shitload of crazy money on the table for that to seem like a good idea. Now, instead of successful career like Mark Ruffalo of supporting A-list women, you’re the guy who doesn’t even get the B-List lead of Katherine Heigl. You’re the B-list Ralph Bellamy. Somewhere Matthew McConughey sits with his shirt off and laughs.

BECAUSE I’M TOO MATURE TO USE THE TERM “BUTTERFACE”

The Town is down to number nine followed by Conviction, or as I call it The Annual Hillary Swank Oscar Bait Movie That Doesn’t Require Looks For The Female Lead. Oh, shut up. Who are we kidding? Hillary Swank has talent by the ton, but she’s not conventionally attractive so she’s doomed to play shit like this for the rest of her leading woman career. It won’t matter once she starts playing moms, but for now it leads to one of the most morose resumes ever, filled with true life drama after true life drama. Three Hilary Swank movies in a row and you’re ready to kill yourself. Yeah, she tried something more mainstream, but even in P.S. I Love You she’s a freaking widower dealing with the death of her husband. She needs to put that rocking bod to use and play an action hero. She would have been much more believable beating the crap out of people than the stick-figure-armed Angelina Jolie.

HELL NIGHT? MORE LIKE “HECK NIGHT”

So I was actually semi-social this Halloween weekend. Normally, I just board myself up in my apartment like the people in Night of the Living Dead, but this time I went out to Brooklyn for a party thrown by one of the Jezebels. Now, I was never a big partier when I was younger, but when I did nothing really started one before nine and shit seriously didn’t get going until 11:00 or midnight. These kids today are half in the bag by midnight and packing it in around one. Sad. This is the reason the days of Studio 54 can’t come back to NYC. The blood has gotten weak. In any case, by the time I got to 9:00 party at 11:00 the hostess was already drunk and I wind up partially taking care of a girl that I already knew dressed like a Harry Potter character. She told me which one, but I don’t know that cult, so I only know she wasn’t one of the main ones. Between monitoring her I did manage to meet Portia, who was smart, funny didn’t mind tasting my jalapeño margarita and of course there with her own girlfriend of six years. There were also the two girls with unique idea to go as Daria and Jane, but were burdened with having to explain it to everyone. I wasn’t much better. Normally, I just wear a blue suit with a Superman shirt under it and go as Clark Kent, but this time I wore a black suit with a mask and a sword and went as Johnny Mo of the Crazy 88 from Kill Bill. Of course I had to explain it and only then did someone suggest I should have gone one-armed and covered with blood. That’s a better idea, but it also sounds like work. My back up was to have sunglasses in my pocket and go as either Mr. Smith from The Matrix or a Man In Black from Men In Black. I could even be Fox Mulder from The X-Files. A suit is the perfect costume for the lazy man. A guy who tried was the musician who went as The Phantom of Opera from the musical, but he wouldn’t even sing. Whatever happened to commitment to the role!?! Of course many felt no obligation to even try, such is the way of jade Brooklyn hipster. But there was still the generic “sexy” costume on display and we should ask ourselves as a people why so many women flock to this idea? If it’s sheer laziness, I understand, but it strikes me as something more. But if loving the pretty Asian girl in the Sexy Schoolgirl outfit I saw on my way out there is wrong, then I don’t want to be right. Another occurrence which still freaks me out was three sistas discussing Lord of the Rings in detail. Not just geek girls, but geek black girls. As my boy O.G. (Original Geek) said to me, we are men out of time. Such options were not open to us when we were young. Again, because the blood is weaker these days, around about 1:00 am the party began to peter out and even the hostess was surprised. I wound up putting the Drunk Harry Potter Girl in a gypsy cab with the help of NYPD, which quite the feat giving she doesn’t like cops in the way that only an Upper Middle Class White girl can. It’s almost cute. Almost because it’s not her that was going to get shot if she started insulting them like she wanted to. She could pull a gun, but it was still that black guy in the suit going down.

DON'T PRETEND YOU DON'T LIKE IT

Willow Smith's song, "Whip My Hair" is awesome. Don't act like it's not. The only thing better is the remix with Sesame Street.