THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

1. Megamind/Paramount Wknd/$ 47.7 Total/$ 47.7

2. Due Date/Warners Wknd/$ 33.5 Total/$ 33.5

3. For Colored Girls/Lions Gate Wknd/$ 20.1 Total/$ 20.1

4. Red/Summit Wknd/$ 8.9 Total/$ 71.9

5. Saw 3D/LionsGate Wknd/$ 8.2 Total/$ 38.8

6. Paranormal Activity 2/Parmount Wknd/$ 7.3 Total/$ 77.2

7. Jackass 3D/Parmount Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$110.8

8. Hereafter/Warners Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 28.7

9. Secretariat/Disney Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 50.9

10. The Social Network/Sony Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 85.0

AN IDEA SO NICE THEY USED IT TWICE

Megamind opens at number one and by my count this is the second film this year that was seemingly borne of someone watching The Incredibles and thinking, “Hey, suppose we did a movie just about the villain? That would be hysterical!” This is how good the Pixar work is, when one aspect of the complete film is enough for another movie entirely. The first was the stylish, yet shallow Despicable me. This isn’t quite as stylized, but more entertaining mainly because it’s not pretending to be anything more than what it is. Despicable Me made pretensions of heartwarming family comedy, while remaining no deeper than a saucer. This is pretty much a spoof of heroes and villains, focusing specifically on Superman and Lex Luthor and succeeds in its modest goals. It’s Superman from jumpstreet as we see both Metro Man and Megamind being the sole survivors of doomed worlds rocketed to Earth, only Metro Man lands in the lap of luxury, while Megamind lands in prison. They meet again in the same elementary school and while trying to emulate Metro Man popularity due to his super-powers, Megamind only causes havoc, so chooses to just indulge in it. A better film (aka, a Pixar one) would have delved more into “nature vs. nurture” and would have followed the Superman/Lex Luthor relationship more closely and made them friends, but this is happy to be all about surface, so when Megamind finally does kill Metro Man (though the commercials give away that he’s only faked his death to get away from the burden of being a hero), he’s lost without someone to fight. This leads to him deciding to create his own superhero to fight, but as we’ve seen before his plans never work and this is no exception. It’s a pleasant enough 90 minutes, but needed a little more bite. When your satirical high point is a spoof of Marlon Brando from Superman, you’ve got problems.

PLANES, TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES, PART DEUX

Due Date opens at number two and for me Zach Galifianakis is like a funnier Jack Black, which is to say he’s actually funny. But by the same token a little of him goes a long way, so an entire movie with him doing his annoying weird guys shtick sounded like work to me, so I gave Due Date a pass. Let me put it this way: I’ve on seen Planes, Trains and Automobiles once and hope never to see it again before I die and this just looks a bit too much like that. Road movies about being stuck with an annoying person aren’t funny to me. They’re just as hellish as actually being stuck with an annoying person. Maybe if they’d added one more person to it like The Hangover to dilute him by a third, but knowing it would be all about an annoying person was just too much. Not to mention, Robert Downey Jr. as the straight man? Talk about a waste of talent. And the only other star in this is Jamie Foxx who I also find annoying as hell? Seriously passing.

FOR BLACK PEOPLE WHO CLEARLY HAVEN’T SUFFERED ENUF AT THE MOVIES

For Colored Girls opens at number three and I do not give Tyler Perry my money, period. There is nothing sadder than the fact the only way a film like this could be made is with him. And what the hell is Janet Jackson doing in a serious drama anyway? So long as Angela Bassett has breath in her body, there’s no reason she shouldn’t still be at the top of everyone’s list, even if it means working with people like Tyler Perry. And I’m not happy about Anika Noni Rose---who gave the best performance in Dreamgirls and you know it---being here either. I know we all need work, but surely some TV show needs a tough, Black female lieutenant or some white actress needs a best friend. Better to serve in heaven than rule in hell.

IT WAS ALWAYS INTEGRAL TO THE PLOT…ABOUT BEING HORNY AND 17

Red is down to number four, followed by Saw 3D at number five and because I’ve never seen one of these I had no idea they’ve been a bit of a comeback for Betsy Russell, who is best known for being hotter than Phoebe Cates in the infamous 80’s sex comedy, Private School, which is saying something, because Phoebe Cates is imprinted on the adolescence of an entire generation. Then again, Phoebe had stopped her wonderful nudity at this point so Russell had to do the heavy lifting. Or should I say, topless horseback riding.

FINE, SCORSESE. BUT IF I WIN, YOU HAVE TO HIRE JON LOVITZ

Paranormal Activity 2 is down to number six, followed by Jackass 3D at number seven and Hereafter at number eight and how exactly does Jay Mohr wind up in a Clint Eastwood movie? Seriously, who’d he fuck or kill (or both) to get this gig? Or did Clint take a bet to show he could make any loser look like an actor or did he just lose one?

THE END

Secretariat is down to number nine with The Social Network closing out the top ten at number ten.

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

Yes, I bought a replica of the sword Duncan McCloud used in Highlander. No, I don’t know why. Yes, I was sober when I did it. No, it’s not one of the good $100+ ones made in Spain, but one the cheap made-in-China $30 ones. Yes, the one Duncan uses is different from Conner’s. No, I’m not going to get that one because I don’t like its design. Yes, I did take pictures of myself with it. No, you can’t see them.

DEAR DEATH, I NEVER THOUGHT ANY OF THOSE OBITS WERE TRUE

Death has been busy these last few weeks with the help of cancer, which is insult to injury. Why should someone in their 80’s die of cancer? Tom Bosley and Barbara Billingsley passing makes me think Florence Henderson needs to watch her back. Seeing the new, awful Hawaii Five O probably killed James McArthur. Remember Debra Winger’s slutty best friend in An Officer and A Gentleman? Her name was Lisa Blount and later she actually won an Oscar for a short film. She was only 53. I always thought Jay Ward created Rocky & Bullwinkle, but he only created the show. A man named Alex Anderson (who was Ward’s childhood friend) created the characters and he died at the age of 90. An Unmarried Woman is one of my all time favorite films and I always loved Jill Clayburgh because of it, so her death is particularly sad, but because I’ve been masturbating since I was twelve, nothing hit me harder than the loss of Bob Guccione, the creator of Penthouse and the man who brought full-frontal nudity to mens’ magazines. And let us not forget the greatest gift to men ever: Penthouse Forum with its letters, so popular it eventually became its own magazine, Penthouse Letters, which is also still being published. Guccione lost the magazines a few years ago and they haven’t been the same since. Granted the main magazine went needlessly hardcore (including watersports), but the Letters were hysterically over-the-top and have since been grounded.