A VIEW FROM THE TOP

SATAN’S WORKING CLASS LOYALTIES

The Rite opens at number one and notice how it’s only in movies where white, educated, upper-middle-class people get possessed by the devil. In real life it’s minority, uneducated, working-class, heavily religious people who always show up on those TV shows about “actual possessions.” In other words, the people most likely not to seek medical attention or understand what schizophrenia is. I mean if you’re Satan don’t you want to grab someone who could a) actually affect the lives of others and b) won’t think immediately to go get a priest? And while grabbing a priest like the movie suggests is what happens seems “clever” and “ironic” it’s actually as dumb as the usual tact of grabbing the 9-year-old daughter of a migrant worker. Better to grab an agnostic head of a television network and try to influence millions with really, really bad TV. Which may have already happened, because how the fuck else does The World According To Jim run for half a decade?

NOTHING’S MORE AUTHENTIC THAN A BARE BREAST

No Strings Attached is down to number two and aside from the obvious reasons of this sucking, one that personally annoys me is this bullshit of doing an explicit R-rated comedy but with no nudity. What the fuck? Are you concerned about your craft or not, Natalie Portman? I mean, to her credit it’s consistent. She wouldn’t do it for the movie that got her nominated for an Oscar and she’s not doing it here, but I still call bullshit on any and all sex scenes where a woman keeps a bra on. If you can’t fulfill the requirements of the role, let someone less shy and more respectful of the work step in.

REAL MEN USE SQUIBS!

The Mechanic opens at number three and while I never saw the Charles Bronson original, I find it a touch sad that kids today don’t know what an action icon the man once was. His name was synonymous with violence in our society. Now, he’s just one of the guys from The Magnificent Seven. That said, never underestimate how good actors and a little character development can improve an action film. Ben Foster as Donald Sutherland’s wastrel---probably violent sociopath---son who goes into the family business of assassination elevates this movie considerably. Prone to impulse and bad judgment he lends this movie a suspenseful edge because you know he’s going to fuck up and ruin the cold, professional work of Jason Statham, but you don’t know exactly when and where he’s going to do it. Otherwise you have another generic story of super-cool professional assassin betrayed by his bosses, goes for revenge, blah-blah-blah. Probably due to the original source, this has a near-70’s edge to it of gratuitous sex and violence. The only thing that derails it at times is the use of CGI at every seeming opportunity. God forbid you let some fucking stuntmen earn their pay on the top of a Chicago skyscraper or the SFX guys build an actual head that explodes like it was shot. No, we have to have clearly obvious greenscreens and digital blood spatters. Man up, Hollywood!

BECAUSE YOU CAN’T PUT A PRICE ON GOOD WEED

The Green Hornet is down to number four and really, Cameron Diaz? Third lead behind Seth Rogen and an Asian actor no one knows? This must have been a lot of money for about two days work for you to be here. Or, Rogen hooked you up with some really good weed and you owed him. I’m thinking the latter.

PSSST! MEMBERS OF THE BRITISH ROYAL FAMILY RARELY LOOK LIKE MOVIE STARS!

The King’s Speech is down to number five and also in this is Guy Pearce, all but stealing scenes as the wastrel Nazi-sympathizing and eventually abdicating Prince Edward, but only two of those three are in the movie and it’s come under fire for ignoring how Edward was German-friendly and Churchill was a die-hard supporter of him despite it. Well, it’s not about Churchill or Edward so get the fuck over it. It’s also a dramatic story, not a fucking history lesson. If you’re dumb enough to get your facts from movies then you’ve got bigger problems than historical inaccuracy or not understanding the term “dramatic license.”

AND SHE’S A DAMN SIGHT BETTER THAN NATALIE PORTMAN

True Grit is down to number six and Hailee Steinfeld is the fucking lead of this movie. Her Best Supporting Actress nod is studio bullshit hedging their bets by with the age-old practice of shoehorning actors into the categories where they have a better chance of winning.

FUCK YOUR CAREER GENTLY WITH A CHAINSAW

The Dilemma is down to number seven, followed by Black Swan at number eight and Winona Ryder is in both. Clearly she’s starting to work again, but sadly no longer in leading roles and not getting the hot dudes and when she does it’s part of a joke because she’s also married to someone like Kevin James. Also, the Black Swan is an unintended statement of her place in Hollywood. There was a time she was the crush of an entire generation (that would be “X”) just as Natalie Portman is now. Now her roles can best be described as “blowsy.” The hard-drinking promiscuous aunt of the lead character roles. Yeah, you know ‘em. Well, at least even at her most desperate they never did that damned Heathers sequel they kept talking about.

I’D MAKE A LIL’ ABNER JOKE, BUT NONE OF YOU ARE OLD ENOUGH TO GET IT

The Fighter is down to number nine and again, this is drama, not a documentary---which is a good thing for the sisters of Mark Walberg’s character, because they are basically white trash cartoons in this movie. One of the actresses I actually recognize from playing a variation on this years ago, as “Italian Girl In The Background” in Goodfellas. She was also one of Madonna’s girlfriends in the “Papa Don’t Preach” video and has the sad infamy of being the girl who blows Harvey Keitel in Bad Lieutenant.

YOU KNOW, SOMETHING YOU REGRET THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN FUN THAT WON’T GO AWAY?

Finally, Hollywood’s version of a cinematic venereal disease, Yogi Bear, hangs around at number ten.

NO ONE TOLD YOU IT WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY

I got Showtime back solely because I love to hate on Californication. Fortunately, it doesn’t feel like a total waste because Episodes is actually funny. It’s a sitcom about two British writers who are asked to reproduce their hit English show in Hollywood with predictably disastrous results. Matt LaBlanc stars as (I hope for his sake) a slightly more obnoxious version of himself, yet not a total cartoon character. I wonder if he finally realizes from the quality of these scripts how much “friends” sucked? Fairly Legal had me the moment they cast Sara Shahi in San Francisco, but it’s spectacularly clichéd and mediocre. She’s a lawyer---oh, no! twist---she was a lawyer, but now she’s a mediator who hates the legal system, but of course finds herself drawn into cases that she’s mediating, seeing things that no one else does because no one else cares as much. And of course she constantly gets drawn into mediating in the street for ordinary people like cab driver vs. bicyclist or shop owner vs. guy trying to rob him. It’s. Awful. The highlight of the first two episode as been her coming out of her houseboat (get it!?! it’s quirky!) braless into the cold harbor air and then realizing her nipples were clearly visible she goes back in to put on a sweater. Aside from the cheap thrills that was a genuine moment in 45 minutes of artifice and contrivance.

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS

Okay, that picture is from Casey Jordan, one of the porn stars paid to hang out with Charlie Sheen. Okay, first, what kind of celebrity has to “pay” a porn star to hang out with them? If that isn’t a clue to how far you’ve fallen, then I don’t know what it is. I guarantee you no male member of the Gossip Girl cast would have to pay a porn star to hang out with him. Secondly, he didn’t have sex with them. He would instead drink, do drugs and watch porn in his home theater and talk about it with them. Finally, that photo is…actually pretty good. The composition is strong and it tells a story, summing up the entirely of Charlie Sheen’s life. Honey, you don’t have to suck dick for a living. You can be behind camera…capturing other people sucking dick.

THE POSTMAN MAY NOT HAVE STOPPED, BUT DEATH SURELY DID

Death continues taking Gladys Horton of The Marvelettes. She sang lead on their most famous track, “Please Mr. Postman” and if you don’t have their Greatest Hits you’re missing some great stuff.

YOU READ IT HERE FIRST

There is no greater enemy than Haagen Daz Dark Chocolate ice cream. Not since the late Ben & Jerry’s Deep Chocolate Fudge (which was chocolate ice cream with a thick fudge swirl in the middle) has there been such a threat to me seeing my own feet. And fucking Food Emporium keeps putting on sale! Usually being cheap saves me from my baser impulses.

SOMEBODY'S SLEEPING IN MY BED

1. No Strings Attached/Paramount Wknd/$ 20.3 Total/$ 20.3

2. The Green Hornet/Sony Wknd/$ 18.1 Total/$ 63.4

3. The Dilemma/Universal Wknd?$ 9.7 Total/$ 33.4

4. The King’s Speech/Weinstein Wknd/$ 9.2 Total/$ 58.6

5.True Grit/Paramount Wknd/$ 8.0 Total/$138.6

6. Black Swan/FoxS Wknd/$ 6.2 Total/$ 83.6

7. The Fighter/Paramount Wknd/$ 4.5 Total/$ 73.0

8. Little Fockers/Universal Wknd/$ 4.4 Total/$141.2

9. Yogi Bear/Warners Wknd/$ 4.1 Total/$ 88.9

10. Tron Legacy/Disney Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$163.3

WHEN CLICHÉ MET CONVENTION

No Strings Attached opens at number one cementing Natalie Portman’s status as a star. Notice as I said “Natalie Portman” and not “Ashton Kutcher” because he’s not in any critically acclaimed Oscar bait or has a history and future of blockbusters (Star Wars, Thor). This movie is hers. I wish I could say I was surprised by this success, but the large number of young women in the theater in groups let me know this was going to do well. It only cost $25M and made $20 its opening weekend. Any potential for this to be her “Norbit” and fuck up Portman’s Oscar chances were washed away by the mounds of cold, hard cash that are coming in. See, the Oscars needs movie stars at the ceremony and not a bunch of indie people you don’t want to see, so if anything this just guaranteed her nomination. Yeah, nobody ever said life was fair. But it’s not so much bad as it is just not good. Basically, it’s mediocre and clichéd to the point of being offensive in its unwillingness to deviate from formula. At least bad can be interesting. This isn’t even that. God forbid we ever have a film where the friends who are fucking, just remain friends! It was supposedly the premise of the shithole that was When Harry Met Sally, but in the end they had to be a couple and like this, in the end they have to be a couple. And in the most annoying Hollywood cliché anyone who appears might get in the way of this has to be punished. Yes, Lake Bell is smart, funny, a bit quirky, works in the same business as Ashton Kutcher and helps him achieve his life-long professional goal (not to mention being taller with larger breasts, thus looking more like a woman than a girl), but she dares briefly distract him by being infinitely more appropriate for him than Natalie Portman so she has to be humiliated twice. First by being abandoned by Ashton Kutcher, then in the closing credits by whom she winds up with. Same for Portman, who of course cannot be with the tall, good-looking, crew-rowing, Harvard-educated doctor she works with and he too has to be abandoned by her and in the closing credits to be shown to be less of a man than Kutcher. Even Ralph Bellamy was treated better.

LOOKS ARE ALL THAT MATTER AND STOP TRYING TO TELL ME THAT THEY DON’T!

The Green Hornet is down to number two and nothing with Seth Rogen in a starring role will get my money ever again. Like Jack Black, he’s a fucking sidekick and an annoying one at that. Luckily, I was never so much a Green Hornet fan that this would bother me too much. Yes, I get it. Everyone knows Bruce Lee was the star of the old show so this movie makes Kato the real hero and The Green Hornet a bit of a fuck up. That doesn’t make the presence of Seth Rogen any less annoying. I see him? I hear him? No.

REMEMBER WHEN DANNY DEVITO WAS BRIEFLY A STAR? (SHUDDER)

The Dilemma is down to number three and ugly guys with beautiful girls have always been a part of storytelling because ugly guys are the ones telling the stories. Hell, if I looked like Taye Diggs do you think I’d be writing this!?! No. But it’s still annoying seeing movies like this where women like Jennifer Connelly and Winona Ryder are either wan to marry or are married Vince Vaughn and Kevin James, respectively. In real life Jennifer Connelly is married to Paul Bettany and Winona Ryder fucked Johnny Depp. And no, the fact that she’s cheating on Kevin James with Channing Tatum does not make up for it (though it does make perfect sense). What makes no sense is that he has her to begin with. Needless to say, I will never see this. I like equally pretty people onscreen. If you’re going to do “beauty and the beast” acknowledge the beast as being “the beast.”

APPARENTLY EVERY GENERATION GETS ONE

The King’s Speech is down to number four, followed by True Grit at number five and The Black Swan at number six, giving Natalie Portman two films in the top ten this week…neither of them all that good, but oddly very successful. Clearly the movie gods hate me. Just when I thought I was rid of Julia Roberts and her plague on cinema with movies being critically praised and successful no matter how bad they were, this happens. Well, at least Portman’s genuinely pretty.

BAHSTUN

The Fighter is up to number seven and finally Christian Bale’s weight loss movies might pay off, because this is pretty much a shoo-in for Best Supporting Actor and the proof is in the appearance of the real life person he plays appearing in the closing credits. His portrayal is dead fucking on. It’s an old story of “the fighter with one last shot who makes good” but has the virtue of being based on real life events (notice I didn’t say an actual “true story” because who knows what shit they changed). It’s not revolutionary filmmaking but it’s told in a way that doesn’t insult you. My only quibble with the film is how it seemingly exploits the lower class nature of the sisters of Mark Walberg’s character. They aren’t people but caricatures to be laughed at. Basically, the same thing that was exploited in Flava of Love, Rock of Love and currently on The Jersey Shore, because this is an arthouse film, meaning it was made by people who pride themselves on their intellectualism. They clearly know better. Or maybe it was just the Upper West Side Manhattan audience I saw it with who took too much joy in laughing at these people. When one Mark Walberg’s sisters dares to side with him against their domineering mother, she crushes her daughter with the fact that the daughter owes her money. It’s not so much funny as utterly sad, but there were nothing but gales of laughter from the audience. Fuckers.

WE’RE ALL WHORES

Littler Fockers is down to number eight followed by Yogi Bear at number nine and didn’t Anna Faris give the illusion of being a comedic leading woman recently. What happened that she’s doing this? Clearly someone need to buy their parents a house.

IT’S WHAT 30 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE GETS YOU

Finally, Tron Legacy closes out the top ten at number ten bringing us to the end of Jeff Bridges having two completely different films in the top ten. As diametrically opposed as Natalie Portman’s two films, not all that remarkable in either case like Natalie Portman’s two films, but nonetheless better than Natalie Portman’s two films.

BEST DAMN R&B SONG OF THE 90’S

So I actually left the house on all three days of this weekend. Part of my new 2011 philosophy. Friday night I saw Amel Larrieux play at the Blue Note. Because I stopped going to see live performances back in…well, I was never one for live performances, so this is remarkable on a basic level. But when I saw this listed in the Friday paper and saw it was only $20 to sit at the bar, well I was in. I even overcame my anxiety at not working out that day to it (seriously, where the fuck did that come from?). I don’t think I’ve been to The Blue Note in over 20 years and my own reclusiveness aside, part of it is that smaller A-list clubs like this are usually very expensive, so I figured whatever they charged for beer of food I could swing for a $20 cover. I got there around 7:30, not expecting much of a crowd on such a cold night and I was right, though the place eventually filled up. Had I gotten there 15 minutes earlier I might have even gotten a seat at the bar, which was filled with 30-something females. It threw me for a loop for a second, but then I realized Groove Theory was big about 15 years ago, which would put it squarely in the middle of their teen years. What was interesting was that the bulk of the people at the bar were not black, but the bulk of the people seated were---but of course the largest group was all Asian. I love New York. And seeing so many good looking Black people (seriously, it was annoying) just reminded me the reason I don’t see more is because---for better or worse---it’s rare I’m even in a majority Black environment. A multi-cultural environment, yes, that’s not the same as being in a place where you are prevailing standard. A deep thought for another day. As most of you know, Amel Larrieux was the voice of Groove Theory, which had one good R&B album back in the mid-nineties then broke up. Amel then started her solo career while he tried to briefly replace her. She’s fared a bit better with her third album coming out this March and who knows what the fuck he’s doing. Still, I can’t pretend Groove Theory wasn’t her peak. For some reason she thinks she’s a Jazz singer. She’s not. She’s not even an R&B singer; she’s a lightweight R&B singer, which is why Groove Theory was so perfect for her. But few people are going to tell someone that pretty they’re wrong, least of all her producer husband, so more than a little bit of the show was dull, from her own music to her uninspired covers of jazz standards and Joni Mitchell. However, her upcoming album shows more pep and she threw in a small tribute to Teena Marie, covering “Square Biz.” Again, Teen Marie was no hardcore R&B singer either, so she fit Amel Larrieux like glove. Of course the show ended with “Tell Me” but she would have done better to include more of her peak years. One interesting note was that her incredibly gorgeous keyboardist was actually her 16-year-old daughter (she had to have been born right when they blew up). If dad doesn’t own a gun already, he needs to invest in one. Seriously. He’s in the music business. He knows what’s going to be coming her way. Rappers, lead singers and guitarists. Very few of whom will be 16 or care that she is.

NO ONE EVER SEEMS TO VISIT WHEN IT’S WARM

Saturday and Sunday I actually ventured outside to meet with visiting friends. Saturday was one of the Jezebel girls I met online who actually lives in London (though she’s from Australia). Her boyfriend brought her to America “on holiday” so we met for a cup of coffee in SoHo. Well, she had coffee. I don’t drink it so I had a cup of hot chocolate on Prince and Mulberry that was so good I wanted to bathe in it. And it was in a combination bookstore and café, which is exactly what you imagined should be in SoHo. And everyone inside it looked like someone who should be in a café in SoHo, being either gorgeous or perfectly styled in a downtown fashion. Seriously, I felt like a fucking country troll. Next time I go, I’m going to be better dressed. Sunday night Angelina Jolie Smile (and rack) was in town taking a break from suburban life. We occasionally get together to watch a football playoff game since no one in her immediate family understand how she can sit there from 1:00 to 11:00 pm every Sunday watching games (and her screaming makes her young daughter cry). We went to a sports bar in my neighborhood where we were fortunate enough to find seats in front of one of the 20 flatscreens they have to watch both the Jets and the Bears learn you just can’t play the last two quarters and hope to win. You have to play all four. During the game we discussed our mutual passion of movies, TV and celebrity gossip and were both amused by the continued existence of “the bar girl.” You know, that moderately attractive girl who is in every bar, drinking a little too hard, trying a little to hard for attention. Except that these two were well into their 30’s and quite frankly too old to be doing this shit especially on a Sunday night. Did they not have jobs!?! Only the unemployed can do the walk of shame on a Monday morning. The rest of us have to get the fuck up. They were eyeing our seats the entire time they were there and we actually spoke briefly before they resigned themselves to the fact we weren’t giving them up and left with some poor bastard who clearly thought this was going to be the best night of his life, but was more than likely going to buy a lot of drinks for two women who would either be too drunk to fuck him or would abandon him at the drop of a hat for someone better. Which wasn’t hard, because he was kind of a dweeb. Trust me. We can smell our own.

DEATH’S GETTING A GUT

Clearly Death needed a personal trainer, as she took none other than Jack LaLanne, America’s first fitness guru. She also took Susannah York and none other than Don Kirschner of Don Kirschner’s Rock Concert to finally mount a show with all those dead musicians.

IT’S WHERE I SPEND 100% OF MY TIME

Finally, I have a new bed. Well, a new bed frame. A NoHo or a SoHo depending on who's selling it. Seems I was being an immature loser to still have the futon sofabed I bought when I got out of college, like it was on the fucking floor or something. But that’s okay. Fine. Just know that I got it because it bothered me that I was sleeping on 20-year-old wood, not to please the judgmental bitches I call friends who roasted me over it. After all, none of them will ever be in it. Bitches. I looked into regular mattresses, but after being on the futon so long, I prefer it. I like the way it gives, but is still firm. Mattresses either give too much or not at all. Yes, I know. It doesn’t bounce back when you fuck on it, but it hasn’t exactly slowed down the population of Asia, now has it? Not to mention there’s something called “doggiestyle.” Still, this mattress is a few years old, but a new one, a good new one, will cost pretty much as much as the bed frame, because it’s a queen so it’s gonna have to wait. And I’m not exactly thrilled with this duvet either (it turned out to be yellow instead of gold, remember). Damn it! I hate these types of grown up purchases. I should be spending my money on blu-rays and videogames. You know, insuring that no one is ever in this bed but me.

SILLY KUH-NIG-ITS!

1. True Grit/Paramount Wknd/$ 15.0 Total/$110.4

2. Little Fockers/Universal Wknd/$ 13.8 Total/$124.0

3. Season of the Witch/ Wknd/$ 10.7 Total/$ 10.7

4. Tron Legacy/Disney Wknd/$ 9.8 Total/$147.9

5. Black Swan/FoxS Wknd/$ 8.4 Total/$ 61.5

6. Country Strong/ScreeGems Wknd/$ 7.3 Total/$ 7.4

7. The Fighter/Paramount Wknd/$ 7.0 Total/$ 57.8

8. The King’s Speech/Weinstein Wknd/$ 6.8 Total/$

9. Yogi Bear/Warners Wknd/$ 6.8 Total/$ 75.6

10. Tangled/Disney Wknd/$ 5.2 Total/$175.9

TECHNICALLY A WESTERN

True Grit jumps to number one and I tried to watch the original this weekend but couldn’t. The monologue about his ex-wife and that Jeff Bridges gives in the new version gives is a corny conversation between John Wayne and Kim Darby in the original and the sad thing is, Wayne was not a bad actor. He could have done justice to the dialogue without any simplistic cornpone help. If you’ve ever seen him slow go mad in Red River you know what I’m talking about. Granted he always played the same role, but he knew how to mold it and create variations on it, which is why the obsessed man in Red River is not the obsessed man in The Searchers. But those were actual westerns, which this is not. It’s a western like Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman was a western.

WHEN SHE’S DRUNK I’M SURE SHE RAGS ON BOOGIE NIGHTS

Little Fockers holds at number two and poor Teri Polo aka, The Girl You Once Called When Heather Graham Was Busy (now you don’t call either, but Amanda Seyfried). Meet the Parents gave her a second shot at the brass ring (Mystery Date and Aspen Extreme didn’t quite do it for her) and she tried to make the most of it, but the sitcom (based on the life of Brooke Shields no less) didn’t take and the movie choices, though with A-list stars didn’t pan out. Now every other year between steady TV work she looks to this dung heap for an easy payday. But I must admit, without these crummy movies, she probably never would have posed for Playboy, so I’m grateful for that at least. What can I say? She made quite the impression on me in her checkered short-shorts in the movie Quick. You just don’t expect ass like that on a skinny blonde white girl.

WE’RE TO THE POINT WHERE JUST HIS NAME MEANS IT’S GOING TO BLOW

Season of the Witch opens at number three and it’s easy to say Nicholas Cage only did this because he has IRS bills to pay, but he’s been doing shit like this for the last 15 years which caused the bills. Pretty much as soon as he got his Oscar he decided, “Do ‘em all. Let history sort it out.” And honestly, he’s made worse films (yes, Ghost Rider, I’m looking at you). This is just a made for SyFy channel movie that somehow escaped into theaters. It’s cheap and looks it and is fairly low-key action-wise. One of the bigger sequences is them taking a heavy across a rickety bridge. You only wish I were kidding. It’s ridiculous, because there’s no suspense. Nicholas Cage is on the bridge with the wagon and since you know he’s not going to die and the girl accused of being a witch can’t die either, what’s there to worry about? It’s just money and time wasted to watch guys roll a wagon slowly over a bridge. Then they fight wolves. Not werewolves or monster wolves, just wolves. That’s worse than bad. It’s dull. It would have been more fun had it been worse, campier, something you could yell at the screen over. That he doesn’t even attempt an insanely bad English accent was a great disappointment to me. Of all the time he chooses not to go over-the-top, a move about disillusioned Crusader knights escorting a witch is it!?!

ARE WE MEN OR ARE WE COMPUTER PROGRAMS!?!

Tron Legacy is down to number four and also in this is Michael Sheen, in danger of becoming a minor geek god. He was Lucien in the Underworld series, he’s a vampire in the Twilight series and channeling David Bowie here he’s the most interesting non-CGI thing about it. Apparently he’s the only person who thought maybe it should be fun, clearly having learned on Underworld how to take lemons and make lemonade because he and Bill Nighy chewing the scenery were the best part of those films.

TO YOUR RIGHT HAND SHE’LL ALWAYS BE VERONICA SAWYER

Black Swan is up to number five and the most accurate criticism I’ve heard of it recently is that Natalie Portman is the only person who didn’t know this was joke and looking back over the campy performances, it’s true. It’s damn clear Winona Ryder as a boozy-over-the-hill dancer knew. And what must that have been like for her to play a version onscreen of what happened in real life? Of her little doppelganger, Portman, taking her place in the minds and pants of men and boys who love women who look like young girls? Though Alicia Silverstone and Britney Spears both occupied that role between them, they were on another level thanks to their work in geek films.

WE’RE ALL JUST LINT IN HER BELLY BUTTON. IF HER BELLY BUTTON HAD LINT.

Country Strong enters the top ten at number six and I’d wonder how Gwyneth Paltrow felt when the film’s advertising changed from being about her to being about the Gossip Girl and Tron Boy (giving him two films in the top ten) with little mention of her---if I didn’t know she was utterly oblivious to anything about her that’s not about her. You know, like when she talked about how she got in shape for Iron Man 2 OBLIVIOUS to the fact she has no real action scenes in the movie. But I love her still and there’s nothing you can do about it. I will see this. I fucking hate country music and bad southern accents and this promises to have plenty of both, but I will see this.

NEXT UP: CHELSEA HANDLER AND ELIZABETH BANKS NEED TO PLAY SISTERS

The Fighter is down to number seven and we missed casting greatness when Matt Damon dropped out as Mark Walberg’s brother. Yeah, I’m sure Christian Bale is great, but that’s right up there with Jake Gyllenhaal and Tobey Maguire playing brothers. All they needed was Joaquin Phoenix and then they could have played triplets because they’re all the same kinda fugly Frankenstein-headed dude.

F-F-F-FUNNY

The King’s Speech is up to number eight and despite the look of the “Oh-so-important-historical-drama” this is surprisingly light, so if you’re putting it off for that reason, don’t worry. He has a stammer, not polio and the film is aware of this. Everyone has a wonderful dry British wit and it is often on display.

WE CALL IT A BAD FILM; HE CALLS IT PURGATORY

Yogi Bear is down to number nine and in this as Ranger Smith is Tom Cavanagh and remember when his show Ed was going to be the new Northern Exposure? Yeah. Betcha he does too. But Love Monkey was an awesome show that I watch on the ION Networks since music licensing means it’ll be a cold day in hell before it hits DVD. Know who else was on Ed? Justin Long and Julie Bowen. I’m sure that’s gotta sting.

IF COMPUTER STUFF WEREN’T EXPENSIVE, ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL WOULDN’T HAVE NEEDED HER UNDERPANTS.

Finally, Tangled closes out the top ten at number ten and at $322M worldwide, this just basically didn’t flop because it cost $260M. Why? Well, they tried for years to make it and so those development costs got tacked onto the final budget. Also, a new computer program had to be developed for that fucking hair and that’s not cheap.

EVERY MAN’S FANTASY: TO BE AN UNPUNISHED DOUCHEBAG

Californication started up again and while I hate that show, I am compelled to watch it as I am most shows about writers. It’s why I watched every single episode of the odious October Road. Luckily it was a free Showtime weekend to kick off its latest attempt to catch-up to HBO’s original programming so I won’t have to pay for this shit until next week. Yeah, Showtime’s got half a dozen channels, but they’re filled with utter shit so I can wait. This latest season improved dramatically simply because none other than Carla Gugino is now on the show, suggesting she’s got a taste for stories about douchebags, having also been on “entourage.” But it’s still the same menopausal male fantasy piece of shit it has always been. He’s an asshole who says and does whatever he wants, fucks every hot woman who looks at him and still maintains the love of his girlfriend and their daughter in the end despite of all the destruction he leaves in his wake. Let me put it this way: in this season’s opening episode, some 20-something actress wants to fuck him (of course his love for his girlfriend and daughter is what seals the deal for her) and she’s wearing a Foreigner t-shirt, quoting CSN lyrics and The Rolling Stones “Sympathy For The Devil” plays in the background. How the fuck does that appeal to any male under the age of fifty? Hell, I’m in my forties and it screams pathetic to me. But I’ll watch every fucking episode.

I GUESS “THE CODPIECE” DIDN’T HAVE THE SAME IMPACT

TV’s latest attempt to have superheroes is The Cape and while this initially seemed awful, more recent commercials suggested a show more gleefully over-the-top than the underwhelming blandness initially on display. It knew what it was, but respected it. Surprisngly, the show is the same. It knows it’s a superhero show occasionally joking about its conventions (the name “The Cape” is mocked, a man gives a heartfelt dying speech then pops up a few seconds later pissed he’s not dead), but plays it mostly straight. The setup is a mixture of a half-dozen comic book clichés, but they’re clichés for a reason: they work. I mean, it’d be nice if they didn’t test your suspension of disbelief so heavily by having him walking around unnoticed when his face is on the cover of every paper. Seriously would it have been so hard that he used to have a beard and mustache and shaved it off? Or dyed his hair? But again, it’s a knowingly silly action show and a miracle it’s as entertaining as it is.

SHE’S FUNNIER WHEN SHE HATES HERSELF AND NOT OTHER PEOPLE

So, I’ve actually been making use of my instant Netflix through my Playstation 3. Comedy specials mostly, because I can’t decide of the dozens of films I’ve always wanted to see that I can now watch instantly. There are just too many choices. So instead I’ll give up 45 minutes for a comedy special. I can watch it and do other things because listening to jokes doesn’t exactly require a lot of focus. The Kevin Hart special was okay and I’ve seen Kathy Griffin before, but I just wanted to hear it uncensored. It was, however, nice to see Jaenene Garafolo return to form after years in the wilderness of being a humorless harpy intent on screaming politics to her audience. Granted it showed up, but it was only a tiny peace of her act. I guess Obama’s election calmed her down a bit (hopefully it had the same impact on Margaret Cho). In fact I’ll give her the biggest compliment I can in saying it briefly reminded me of Richard Pryor in Live on the Sunset Strip when she did bits about her drinking problem and basically confessed to her ideal life would be as functioning alcoholic. The difference is Richard Pryor would have done a beautifully mastered bit about the whole intervention process as he did with Jim Brown trying to intervene with him. Garafalo only gives us a small taste of what could have been great.

ONE OF THE REASONS I HATE QUENTIN TARANTINO

Finally, Death hits the ground running in 2011 with Pete Postlewaite, Gerry Rafferty and Peter Yates, who brought the world Bullitt.

NOW AMY CHASES ME

1. Little Fockers/Universal Wknd/$ 26.3 Total/$103.2

2. True Grit/Paramount Wknd/$ 24.5 Total/$ 24.5

3. Tron Legacy/Disney Wknd/$ 18.3 Total/$130.9

4. Yogi Bear/Warners Wknd/$ 13.0 Total/$ 66.1

5. Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of Wknd/$ 10.5 Total/$ 87.1

6. Tangled/Disney Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$168.0

7. The Fighter/Paramount Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 46.4

8. Gulliver’s Travels/Fox Wknd/$ 9.1 Total/$ 27.2

9. Black Swan/FoxS Wknd/$ 8.5 Total/$ 47.4

10.The King’s Speech/Weinstein Wknd/$ 7.6 Total/$ 22.8

AND LO, THE BEAST COMMISSIONED A SEQUEL. AND THEN ANOTHER.

Little Fockers holds at number one proving once and for all there is no God, so stop pretending there is. I hated the first one, never saw the second and damn sure will avoid this one at all costs----as sure as I will avoid the next three when we follow the kids to college and DeNiro to the grave. I mean how sad is it that Dustin Hoffman, Robert DeNiro and Harvey Keitel are together in a film and it’s this piece of shit. If this were 1976 that would be the mother of all gritty, dramatic New York castings. Now it’s just pathetic, one-note fluff. I mean, Jessica Alba is in it. Jessica Alba sharing screen time with Barbara Streisand. What more do I need to tell you? No. God.

THE DUKE WOULDN’T PLAY SECOND FIDDLE TO A GIRL

True Grit holds at number two and never having seen the first I can’t tell you how this measures up in comparison, nor can I tell you how it compares to the book. All I can tell you is that the title refers to not so much Jeff Bridges’ character (even though it’s used in reference to him within the film), but to the young girl at the center of the film (actress Hailee Steinfeld), whose own “true grit” in search of justice for her father’s murder propels it. It’s Jeff Bridges and Matt Damon who are supporting her as she proves as tough as every man she encounters, her force of will beating back every one no matter what the disadvantage. And this is the core of the film, so if you’re expecting a typical western think again. This is more a character study that happens to have a plot and for that it makes 90 minutes feel like 120. As good as all the performances are and as much I normally enjoy the patois of the Coen Brothers---which is on full display here as well as their penchant for odd facial hair and at least one fat man screaming (all that’s missing is John Goodman who could have easily have been Rooster Cogburn)---I could have used a little more “bang, bang” and a little less “talky, talky.” You get her will is pretty much a force of nature the first ten times it’s displayed. You don’t need ten more. This is more Coens’ workmanship than inspiration. Which reminds me I haven’t seen Miller’s Crossing in awhile.

GEEK LEGACY

Tron Legacy holds at number three and listening people bitch about this I have wonder what film are they comparing it to because it’s just like the minor cult classic that comforted a generation of lonely computer-loving geek boys (shut up!) in pretty much every way. What you want to see is more of someone fighting computer games for real---especially the awesome light cycles---and what happens is you get precious little of it and at the end of the day it’s just pretty, though this did get the superior soundtrack thanks to the epically inspired decision to have Daft Punk do it. They were made to score films like this. But I must admit that it misses the conceit of the first film in that the computer world Jeff Bridges traveled to mirrored the real world he left. The programs looked just like their users and played similar roles. None of that is to be found here which makes me think that like the whining audience, the producers of this didn’t see the first film either. The film is at it’s best in the few moments when Jeff Bridges is just allow to show his laid back charm. Like the light cycles, there’s just not enough of it.

HELL, ISN’T A PLACE; IT’S ENDLESS CRUMMY CGI MOVIES

Yogi Bear is down to number four and remember what I said about there being no God? Exhibit #2. This fucking thing shouldn’t even exist. Even as cartoons the Hanna Barbera group were weak sisters to the legendary Warner Brothers characters (thanks to their epic cheapness), which is probably why they were never really passed down to more recent generations. Any 5-year-old knows who Bugs Bunny is, but ask him about Snagglepuss and see what happens? But I will admit, the casting of Justin Timberlake as the voice of Boo-Boo is perfection. Cry me a river, Yogi. Cry me a river.

MORE LIKE THE LOWER ARCHDUKE OF THE RINGS

Down to number five is The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyages of the Dawn Treader and who the fuck is still seeing these films for them to keep making them!?! Are you so desperate between Harry Potter installments and still hung up on Lord of the Rings that you people are keeping this alive? And how the fuck do they keep getting reputable directors for it? Michael fucking Apted did this? Yeah, the man behind 7 Up, 14 Up and 21 Up. Then again he did do The World is Not Enough, so he put on the metaphorical fuck-me pumps a while back.

AMIEE MANN AND MICHAEL PENN THEY ARE NOT

Tangled is down to number six and the voice of Rapunzel here is none other than Mandy Moore, so a decade later all the four top little blonde pop stars are still around and working---though Britney is the only one still making a living as a pop star. What’s really sad is that this is Mandy Moore’s most successful film and it’s the one where you don’t see her at all. Hint, hint. Sorry, but I have no sympathy for her. She treats her big hit “Candy” like some sort curse, like she’s got other hits that anyone knows or gives a shit about. This is why fate won’t give you another. Your utter lack of appreciation. That’s why it made you marry Ryan Adams.

NOT SINCE JURASSIC PARK MAKE DINOSAURS WALK…

The Fighter is down to number seven and the Oscar this should be up for is Best Make Up for making Christian Bale look less attractive than Mark Walberg, which is definitely not the case. Seriously, I’m thinking some sort of CGI had to be involved, like the kind that makes Jeff Bridges look 26 in Tron.

AND LO, THE BEAST WAS NOT DONE WITH ITS EVIL MOVIE MAKING

Gulliver’s Travels holds at number eight and remember what I said about there being no God? I rest my case.

SHE’S DANCING AS FAST AS SHE CAN

The Black Swan is down to number nine and yes, I am among the minority who was less-than-impressed by this overripe melodrama and I knew going in it was going to be an overripe melodrama about an artist descending into madness. Actually for me it wasn’t over-the-top enough. I mean, if you’re going to do this, do it! Don’t half-ass it and for me they half-assed it. Give me a gritty movie about dance or give me a baroque nightmare. Even Natalie Portman’s performance was just looking worried for two hours to me and Mila Kunis is getting kudos for simply being a break from all the strum und drang with a bit of comic relief. She still delivers her lines like she’s still surprised to even be making a movie. But do not for one moment think this is some kind of horror movie about her being stalked, much less being stalked by Mila Kunis. I cannot believe the level of deception in those commercials. I mean, you don’t even need them. People are going to see it to watch Mila Kunis go down on Natalie Portman. An entire generation of men dropped a load just hearing about that and then another when it actually happened onscreen. You’d think it’d be a problem given neither actress does nudity, but you have to realize they’d been imagining it for so long the blanks had already been filled.

NAZIS COUNTS AS HOLOCAUST. I’M JUST SAYIN’.

Finally, The King’s Speech closes out the top ten and let’s just give Colin Firth his Oscar now. Seriously. This has “Oscar Winning Prestige Film” written all over it. Period piece, true story, English accents, wartime, Nazis…all that’s missing are cute kids and a Fallen Woman who dies. Whoops, we see Elizabeth as a cute little girl, so it’s only the “Fallen Woman” who’s missing. And what’s sad is that it’s actually very good. It’s not some over-the-top art piece, but simply and directly told with just enough artistry so it doesn’t look like a made-for-tv film. And Colin Firth is simply as good as everyone keeps telling you. It doesn’t hurt that surrounding him are Geoffrey Rush, Derek Jacobi, Helena Bonham Carter, Guy Pearce, Jennifer Ehle (that actress who looks like a clone of Meryl Steep down to her talent) and Michael Gambon. Guy Pearce is a scene-stealer as the soon-to-abdicate Edward and Gambon shows there are no small parts only small actors as their father, King George.

WHERE’S TRON WHEN I NEED HIM?

So, this has been gone awhile thanks to my yearly computer meltdown. Seriously, at least once a year something happens. Literally moments after my last posting, I heard a dreaded grinding noise from my hard drive and that was all she wrote. And all I wrote. Massive troubleshooting to no avail, then buying a new one, then thankfully the old one coming back to life long enough for me to restore all the data I thought I’d lost, which is incredibly scary in this time of only digital pictures. Seriously. For the last 150 years you had to have a fire to lose photos, now one stray magnetic field and kiss the first five years of your child’s life in photos and movies goodbye. Though I’m by no means a hardcore computer geek, I do know enough that visits to both Tekserve and the Genius Bar at Apple resulted in them either doing what I’d done or saying they’d only do what I’d done and then telling me for $200 they could at least rescue my lost data. Thankfully, I have no children, so fuck that.

BECAUSE I’M NOT SOCIALLY ISOLATED ENOUGH

So I bought a Playstation 3. Yeah, yeah, I know. I’ve bought Playstations at least three times before this one and each time I wound up selling them because of the enormous wastes of time and money they wind up becoming. Unlike a computer, which actually serves a purpose, you can’t do anything on a Playstation that doesn’t result in money and time lost and I have precious little of either to spare. It was my sister’s Wii that did me in. Not having to pay for it, I enjoyed it. Then came Need For Speed: Hot Pursuit for the Playstation 3. Need For Speed was always one of my favorite games right next to Midnight Club (basically the same thing; illegal street racing) and seeing the new one just pushed me over the edge. Still, I couldn’t rationalize coughing up $300 for a gaming system that would be gathering dust in a few months so when asked what I wanted for Xmas I said Best Buy gift cards which offset the bulk of the cost and I’m selling off my blu-ray player since the PS3 has one. But then you factor in the additional shit you have buy (another controller, games, etc) and you’re counting the minutes until I sell this fucker off again. Though I must admit, the whole Netflix on-demand function is pretty sweet. I thought I’d never use it, but have already done so and the more silly crap they put on there the more it will get used.

WHEN PUSH COMES SHOVE, WHEN YOU NEED A LITTLE LOVE

We lost Teena Marie. Fuck you, Death. You had to get that last one in before the New Year. Bad enough you took Steve Landesberg too, but “Lovergirl” had to go too? And somewhere Mickey Rooney weeps and begs for sweet release.

NOW AMY CHASES ME

“I’m hopelessly gay, but we should hang out.” That in a nutshell sums up not only my New Year’s Eve, but pretty much my social life since I was 15 and a girl in my class chose me to be her buddy and my friend to deflower. Seriously. One of our first conversations was how she was going to pop his cherry. “Well, what about me?” “Oh, don’t be silly. We’re friends.” I’m sure he hasn’t seen her since their brief relationship in high school. I, on the other hand, had dinner with her when she was in New York on business. In any case this was the annual New Year’s Eve party in Brooklyn with the girls I’d met on Jezebel. Now, the first year, there was joke that the basement was “The Lesbian Basement” because three of the four girls crashing there were gay. The second year this took on a new life thanks to the fact they invited their friends and a disco ball and a DJ (gorgeous lesbian of course) was added. This year the party was 99.9% gay women, now co-hosted by the DJ’s equally hot girlfriend and unlike straight people, the gays actually go to the parties they’re invited too. I learned a great many things that evening. That gay women party as hard as the men I’d learned long ago, but what I didn’t know was that after a certain time they had the same disregard for wearing shirts and there’s apparently a Rat Pack like subculture amongst lesbians, because there was a group of them dressed like they were shooting Ocean’s 11 in Park Slope. But though the straight populace was small, we still managed to out-sleaze them. The guy the host invited to her hook-up that night wound up making out in front of her with her friend, a tall, attractive blonde lawyer who was one of the four straight women there. Now, we (me, Hot DJ’s Girlfriend, Random TV Loving Bisexual) initially thought Lawyer Barbie was just doing that just to have someone to make out with on New Year’s then go home alone. That’s before he started finger fucking her against a pillar in the basement, which was also the middle of the dance floor. Then they vanished into the bathroom for about a half hour. Now we (me, Hot DJ’s Girlfriend, Random TV Loving Bisexual) thought given she was a lawyer, she was not going to fuck this guy in a bathroom and just blow him, but there was far too much bumping around going on for too long for a hummer, but who knows. It could have just been dry humping. I just give lawyers more credit. Clearly our host was offended and the lesbians began to ask me just what I was going to do about it as the other straight guy there. I protested that she was my friend and I couldn’t fuck that up…leaving out my half-hearted pursuit of yet another friend of the host’s. A drop-dead gorgeous, the full-blooded Greek girl I’d recently given a Wonder Woman t-shirt too for her birthday because she’d talked about dressing up like her for Halloween. I’m not above drunkenly hooking up with anyone, but not at the chance of jeopardizing something potentially awesome. Luckily it worked itself out as one of the lesbians had invited her straight co-worker, a nice guy who looked like a young Aidan Quinn and that’s who the host wound up in a bathroom with at the end of the night, so she traded-up big time, as the guy who blew her off for the Lawyer Barbie I found quite ordinary and tad be schlubby, making me wonder why the fuck I’d bothered going to the gym just that morning. You can still be a schubbly douchebag and bone hot, blonde lawyers in the bathroom, so why sweat and eat turkey bacon? Though at the end of the night when she left, Lawyer Barbie left alone. He tried to go with her, bringing me back to no actual intercourse in the bathroom. If he’d hit it, he wouldn’t have been so desperately after her. Sorry, but that’s just how men are. But the lesbians won out in obviously in sheer numbers of making out and grinding pretty much everywhere. It was a party after all. Now you’d think watching gorgeous women make-out on the dance floor would be hot for a man, but actually it’s very depressing, because these are women who have no interest in you whatsoever, though there were kindly enough to include me in the various group dancing on the floor. But unlike one dude, I knew the sweaty grinding and making out was not for me. It was for The Hot DJ. And her girlfriend. And the Hot Blonde Doctor who joined them. Actually the girlfriend and the Hot Blonde Doctor were going at it first which I thought was going to cause a problem of obvious reasons, not the least of which being I also know Hot Blonde Doctor’s girlfriend, but clearly there were different rules going on there. As I said there were actually other straight guys there, but we thought they were gay. You only knew they were straight by the fact that, despite the fact this was BIG LESBIAN PARTY, they were still trying to get some. Dude, she’s not taking off her shirt to dance with you. She’s taking off her shirt to dance with the other shirtless girl. That’s when it was time for me to go, so as not to be one of those guys. Thankfully, I’d stopped drinking long before, with the exception a shot of whiskey, served to me by girl who while “hopelessly gay” still wants to hang out with me. I said yes and we exchanged numbers but it’s doubtful. My dance card of women who have no interest in my dick is pretty full and I don’t know if I’ll have time for her. Especially since now I have a Playstation again.