NOW AMY CHASES ME

1. Little Fockers/Universal Wknd/$ 26.3 Total/$103.2

2. True Grit/Paramount Wknd/$ 24.5 Total/$ 24.5

3. Tron Legacy/Disney Wknd/$ 18.3 Total/$130.9

4. Yogi Bear/Warners Wknd/$ 13.0 Total/$ 66.1

5. Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of Wknd/$ 10.5 Total/$ 87.1

6. Tangled/Disney Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$168.0

7. The Fighter/Paramount Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 46.4

8. Gulliver’s Travels/Fox Wknd/$ 9.1 Total/$ 27.2

9. Black Swan/FoxS Wknd/$ 8.5 Total/$ 47.4

10.The King’s Speech/Weinstein Wknd/$ 7.6 Total/$ 22.8

AND LO, THE BEAST COMMISSIONED A SEQUEL. AND THEN ANOTHER.

Little Fockers holds at number one proving once and for all there is no God, so stop pretending there is. I hated the first one, never saw the second and damn sure will avoid this one at all costs----as sure as I will avoid the next three when we follow the kids to college and DeNiro to the grave. I mean how sad is it that Dustin Hoffman, Robert DeNiro and Harvey Keitel are together in a film and it’s this piece of shit. If this were 1976 that would be the mother of all gritty, dramatic New York castings. Now it’s just pathetic, one-note fluff. I mean, Jessica Alba is in it. Jessica Alba sharing screen time with Barbara Streisand. What more do I need to tell you? No. God.

THE DUKE WOULDN’T PLAY SECOND FIDDLE TO A GIRL

True Grit holds at number two and never having seen the first I can’t tell you how this measures up in comparison, nor can I tell you how it compares to the book. All I can tell you is that the title refers to not so much Jeff Bridges’ character (even though it’s used in reference to him within the film), but to the young girl at the center of the film (actress Hailee Steinfeld), whose own “true grit” in search of justice for her father’s murder propels it. It’s Jeff Bridges and Matt Damon who are supporting her as she proves as tough as every man she encounters, her force of will beating back every one no matter what the disadvantage. And this is the core of the film, so if you’re expecting a typical western think again. This is more a character study that happens to have a plot and for that it makes 90 minutes feel like 120. As good as all the performances are and as much I normally enjoy the patois of the Coen Brothers---which is on full display here as well as their penchant for odd facial hair and at least one fat man screaming (all that’s missing is John Goodman who could have easily have been Rooster Cogburn)---I could have used a little more “bang, bang” and a little less “talky, talky.” You get her will is pretty much a force of nature the first ten times it’s displayed. You don’t need ten more. This is more Coens’ workmanship than inspiration. Which reminds me I haven’t seen Miller’s Crossing in awhile.

GEEK LEGACY

Tron Legacy holds at number three and listening people bitch about this I have wonder what film are they comparing it to because it’s just like the minor cult classic that comforted a generation of lonely computer-loving geek boys (shut up!) in pretty much every way. What you want to see is more of someone fighting computer games for real---especially the awesome light cycles---and what happens is you get precious little of it and at the end of the day it’s just pretty, though this did get the superior soundtrack thanks to the epically inspired decision to have Daft Punk do it. They were made to score films like this. But I must admit that it misses the conceit of the first film in that the computer world Jeff Bridges traveled to mirrored the real world he left. The programs looked just like their users and played similar roles. None of that is to be found here which makes me think that like the whining audience, the producers of this didn’t see the first film either. The film is at it’s best in the few moments when Jeff Bridges is just allow to show his laid back charm. Like the light cycles, there’s just not enough of it.

HELL, ISN’T A PLACE; IT’S ENDLESS CRUMMY CGI MOVIES

Yogi Bear is down to number four and remember what I said about there being no God? Exhibit #2. This fucking thing shouldn’t even exist. Even as cartoons the Hanna Barbera group were weak sisters to the legendary Warner Brothers characters (thanks to their epic cheapness), which is probably why they were never really passed down to more recent generations. Any 5-year-old knows who Bugs Bunny is, but ask him about Snagglepuss and see what happens? But I will admit, the casting of Justin Timberlake as the voice of Boo-Boo is perfection. Cry me a river, Yogi. Cry me a river.

MORE LIKE THE LOWER ARCHDUKE OF THE RINGS

Down to number five is The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyages of the Dawn Treader and who the fuck is still seeing these films for them to keep making them!?! Are you so desperate between Harry Potter installments and still hung up on Lord of the Rings that you people are keeping this alive? And how the fuck do they keep getting reputable directors for it? Michael fucking Apted did this? Yeah, the man behind 7 Up, 14 Up and 21 Up. Then again he did do The World is Not Enough, so he put on the metaphorical fuck-me pumps a while back.

AMIEE MANN AND MICHAEL PENN THEY ARE NOT

Tangled is down to number six and the voice of Rapunzel here is none other than Mandy Moore, so a decade later all the four top little blonde pop stars are still around and working---though Britney is the only one still making a living as a pop star. What’s really sad is that this is Mandy Moore’s most successful film and it’s the one where you don’t see her at all. Hint, hint. Sorry, but I have no sympathy for her. She treats her big hit “Candy” like some sort curse, like she’s got other hits that anyone knows or gives a shit about. This is why fate won’t give you another. Your utter lack of appreciation. That’s why it made you marry Ryan Adams.

NOT SINCE JURASSIC PARK MAKE DINOSAURS WALK…

The Fighter is down to number seven and the Oscar this should be up for is Best Make Up for making Christian Bale look less attractive than Mark Walberg, which is definitely not the case. Seriously, I’m thinking some sort of CGI had to be involved, like the kind that makes Jeff Bridges look 26 in Tron.

AND LO, THE BEAST WAS NOT DONE WITH ITS EVIL MOVIE MAKING

Gulliver’s Travels holds at number eight and remember what I said about there being no God? I rest my case.

SHE’S DANCING AS FAST AS SHE CAN

The Black Swan is down to number nine and yes, I am among the minority who was less-than-impressed by this overripe melodrama and I knew going in it was going to be an overripe melodrama about an artist descending into madness. Actually for me it wasn’t over-the-top enough. I mean, if you’re going to do this, do it! Don’t half-ass it and for me they half-assed it. Give me a gritty movie about dance or give me a baroque nightmare. Even Natalie Portman’s performance was just looking worried for two hours to me and Mila Kunis is getting kudos for simply being a break from all the strum und drang with a bit of comic relief. She still delivers her lines like she’s still surprised to even be making a movie. But do not for one moment think this is some kind of horror movie about her being stalked, much less being stalked by Mila Kunis. I cannot believe the level of deception in those commercials. I mean, you don’t even need them. People are going to see it to watch Mila Kunis go down on Natalie Portman. An entire generation of men dropped a load just hearing about that and then another when it actually happened onscreen. You’d think it’d be a problem given neither actress does nudity, but you have to realize they’d been imagining it for so long the blanks had already been filled.

NAZIS COUNTS AS HOLOCAUST. I’M JUST SAYIN’.

Finally, The King’s Speech closes out the top ten and let’s just give Colin Firth his Oscar now. Seriously. This has “Oscar Winning Prestige Film” written all over it. Period piece, true story, English accents, wartime, Nazis…all that’s missing are cute kids and a Fallen Woman who dies. Whoops, we see Elizabeth as a cute little girl, so it’s only the “Fallen Woman” who’s missing. And what’s sad is that it’s actually very good. It’s not some over-the-top art piece, but simply and directly told with just enough artistry so it doesn’t look like a made-for-tv film. And Colin Firth is simply as good as everyone keeps telling you. It doesn’t hurt that surrounding him are Geoffrey Rush, Derek Jacobi, Helena Bonham Carter, Guy Pearce, Jennifer Ehle (that actress who looks like a clone of Meryl Steep down to her talent) and Michael Gambon. Guy Pearce is a scene-stealer as the soon-to-abdicate Edward and Gambon shows there are no small parts only small actors as their father, King George.

WHERE’S TRON WHEN I NEED HIM?

So, this has been gone awhile thanks to my yearly computer meltdown. Seriously, at least once a year something happens. Literally moments after my last posting, I heard a dreaded grinding noise from my hard drive and that was all she wrote. And all I wrote. Massive troubleshooting to no avail, then buying a new one, then thankfully the old one coming back to life long enough for me to restore all the data I thought I’d lost, which is incredibly scary in this time of only digital pictures. Seriously. For the last 150 years you had to have a fire to lose photos, now one stray magnetic field and kiss the first five years of your child’s life in photos and movies goodbye. Though I’m by no means a hardcore computer geek, I do know enough that visits to both Tekserve and the Genius Bar at Apple resulted in them either doing what I’d done or saying they’d only do what I’d done and then telling me for $200 they could at least rescue my lost data. Thankfully, I have no children, so fuck that.

BECAUSE I’M NOT SOCIALLY ISOLATED ENOUGH

So I bought a Playstation 3. Yeah, yeah, I know. I’ve bought Playstations at least three times before this one and each time I wound up selling them because of the enormous wastes of time and money they wind up becoming. Unlike a computer, which actually serves a purpose, you can’t do anything on a Playstation that doesn’t result in money and time lost and I have precious little of either to spare. It was my sister’s Wii that did me in. Not having to pay for it, I enjoyed it. Then came Need For Speed: Hot Pursuit for the Playstation 3. Need For Speed was always one of my favorite games right next to Midnight Club (basically the same thing; illegal street racing) and seeing the new one just pushed me over the edge. Still, I couldn’t rationalize coughing up $300 for a gaming system that would be gathering dust in a few months so when asked what I wanted for Xmas I said Best Buy gift cards which offset the bulk of the cost and I’m selling off my blu-ray player since the PS3 has one. But then you factor in the additional shit you have buy (another controller, games, etc) and you’re counting the minutes until I sell this fucker off again. Though I must admit, the whole Netflix on-demand function is pretty sweet. I thought I’d never use it, but have already done so and the more silly crap they put on there the more it will get used.

WHEN PUSH COMES SHOVE, WHEN YOU NEED A LITTLE LOVE

We lost Teena Marie. Fuck you, Death. You had to get that last one in before the New Year. Bad enough you took Steve Landesberg too, but “Lovergirl” had to go too? And somewhere Mickey Rooney weeps and begs for sweet release.

NOW AMY CHASES ME

“I’m hopelessly gay, but we should hang out.” That in a nutshell sums up not only my New Year’s Eve, but pretty much my social life since I was 15 and a girl in my class chose me to be her buddy and my friend to deflower. Seriously. One of our first conversations was how she was going to pop his cherry. “Well, what about me?” “Oh, don’t be silly. We’re friends.” I’m sure he hasn’t seen her since their brief relationship in high school. I, on the other hand, had dinner with her when she was in New York on business. In any case this was the annual New Year’s Eve party in Brooklyn with the girls I’d met on Jezebel. Now, the first year, there was joke that the basement was “The Lesbian Basement” because three of the four girls crashing there were gay. The second year this took on a new life thanks to the fact they invited their friends and a disco ball and a DJ (gorgeous lesbian of course) was added. This year the party was 99.9% gay women, now co-hosted by the DJ’s equally hot girlfriend and unlike straight people, the gays actually go to the parties they’re invited too. I learned a great many things that evening. That gay women party as hard as the men I’d learned long ago, but what I didn’t know was that after a certain time they had the same disregard for wearing shirts and there’s apparently a Rat Pack like subculture amongst lesbians, because there was a group of them dressed like they were shooting Ocean’s 11 in Park Slope. But though the straight populace was small, we still managed to out-sleaze them. The guy the host invited to her hook-up that night wound up making out in front of her with her friend, a tall, attractive blonde lawyer who was one of the four straight women there. Now, we (me, Hot DJ’s Girlfriend, Random TV Loving Bisexual) initially thought Lawyer Barbie was just doing that just to have someone to make out with on New Year’s then go home alone. That’s before he started finger fucking her against a pillar in the basement, which was also the middle of the dance floor. Then they vanished into the bathroom for about a half hour. Now we (me, Hot DJ’s Girlfriend, Random TV Loving Bisexual) thought given she was a lawyer, she was not going to fuck this guy in a bathroom and just blow him, but there was far too much bumping around going on for too long for a hummer, but who knows. It could have just been dry humping. I just give lawyers more credit. Clearly our host was offended and the lesbians began to ask me just what I was going to do about it as the other straight guy there. I protested that she was my friend and I couldn’t fuck that up…leaving out my half-hearted pursuit of yet another friend of the host’s. A drop-dead gorgeous, the full-blooded Greek girl I’d recently given a Wonder Woman t-shirt too for her birthday because she’d talked about dressing up like her for Halloween. I’m not above drunkenly hooking up with anyone, but not at the chance of jeopardizing something potentially awesome. Luckily it worked itself out as one of the lesbians had invited her straight co-worker, a nice guy who looked like a young Aidan Quinn and that’s who the host wound up in a bathroom with at the end of the night, so she traded-up big time, as the guy who blew her off for the Lawyer Barbie I found quite ordinary and tad be schlubby, making me wonder why the fuck I’d bothered going to the gym just that morning. You can still be a schubbly douchebag and bone hot, blonde lawyers in the bathroom, so why sweat and eat turkey bacon? Though at the end of the night when she left, Lawyer Barbie left alone. He tried to go with her, bringing me back to no actual intercourse in the bathroom. If he’d hit it, he wouldn’t have been so desperately after her. Sorry, but that’s just how men are. But the lesbians won out in obviously in sheer numbers of making out and grinding pretty much everywhere. It was a party after all. Now you’d think watching gorgeous women make-out on the dance floor would be hot for a man, but actually it’s very depressing, because these are women who have no interest in you whatsoever, though there were kindly enough to include me in the various group dancing on the floor. But unlike one dude, I knew the sweaty grinding and making out was not for me. It was for The Hot DJ. And her girlfriend. And the Hot Blonde Doctor who joined them. Actually the girlfriend and the Hot Blonde Doctor were going at it first which I thought was going to cause a problem of obvious reasons, not the least of which being I also know Hot Blonde Doctor’s girlfriend, but clearly there were different rules going on there. As I said there were actually other straight guys there, but we thought they were gay. You only knew they were straight by the fact that, despite the fact this was BIG LESBIAN PARTY, they were still trying to get some. Dude, she’s not taking off her shirt to dance with you. She’s taking off her shirt to dance with the other shirtless girl. That’s when it was time for me to go, so as not to be one of those guys. Thankfully, I’d stopped drinking long before, with the exception a shot of whiskey, served to me by girl who while “hopelessly gay” still wants to hang out with me. I said yes and we exchanged numbers but it’s doubtful. My dance card of women who have no interest in my dick is pretty full and I don’t know if I’ll have time for her. Especially since now I have a Playstation again.