SILLY KUH-NIG-ITS!

1. True Grit/Paramount Wknd/$ 15.0 Total/$110.4

2. Little Fockers/Universal Wknd/$ 13.8 Total/$124.0

3. Season of the Witch/ Wknd/$ 10.7 Total/$ 10.7

4. Tron Legacy/Disney Wknd/$ 9.8 Total/$147.9

5. Black Swan/FoxS Wknd/$ 8.4 Total/$ 61.5

6. Country Strong/ScreeGems Wknd/$ 7.3 Total/$ 7.4

7. The Fighter/Paramount Wknd/$ 7.0 Total/$ 57.8

8. The King’s Speech/Weinstein Wknd/$ 6.8 Total/$

9. Yogi Bear/Warners Wknd/$ 6.8 Total/$ 75.6

10. Tangled/Disney Wknd/$ 5.2 Total/$175.9

TECHNICALLY A WESTERN

True Grit jumps to number one and I tried to watch the original this weekend but couldn’t. The monologue about his ex-wife and that Jeff Bridges gives in the new version gives is a corny conversation between John Wayne and Kim Darby in the original and the sad thing is, Wayne was not a bad actor. He could have done justice to the dialogue without any simplistic cornpone help. If you’ve ever seen him slow go mad in Red River you know what I’m talking about. Granted he always played the same role, but he knew how to mold it and create variations on it, which is why the obsessed man in Red River is not the obsessed man in The Searchers. But those were actual westerns, which this is not. It’s a western like Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman was a western.

WHEN SHE’S DRUNK I’M SURE SHE RAGS ON BOOGIE NIGHTS

Little Fockers holds at number two and poor Teri Polo aka, The Girl You Once Called When Heather Graham Was Busy (now you don’t call either, but Amanda Seyfried). Meet the Parents gave her a second shot at the brass ring (Mystery Date and Aspen Extreme didn’t quite do it for her) and she tried to make the most of it, but the sitcom (based on the life of Brooke Shields no less) didn’t take and the movie choices, though with A-list stars didn’t pan out. Now every other year between steady TV work she looks to this dung heap for an easy payday. But I must admit, without these crummy movies, she probably never would have posed for Playboy, so I’m grateful for that at least. What can I say? She made quite the impression on me in her checkered short-shorts in the movie Quick. You just don’t expect ass like that on a skinny blonde white girl.

WE’RE TO THE POINT WHERE JUST HIS NAME MEANS IT’S GOING TO BLOW

Season of the Witch opens at number three and it’s easy to say Nicholas Cage only did this because he has IRS bills to pay, but he’s been doing shit like this for the last 15 years which caused the bills. Pretty much as soon as he got his Oscar he decided, “Do ‘em all. Let history sort it out.” And honestly, he’s made worse films (yes, Ghost Rider, I’m looking at you). This is just a made for SyFy channel movie that somehow escaped into theaters. It’s cheap and looks it and is fairly low-key action-wise. One of the bigger sequences is them taking a heavy across a rickety bridge. You only wish I were kidding. It’s ridiculous, because there’s no suspense. Nicholas Cage is on the bridge with the wagon and since you know he’s not going to die and the girl accused of being a witch can’t die either, what’s there to worry about? It’s just money and time wasted to watch guys roll a wagon slowly over a bridge. Then they fight wolves. Not werewolves or monster wolves, just wolves. That’s worse than bad. It’s dull. It would have been more fun had it been worse, campier, something you could yell at the screen over. That he doesn’t even attempt an insanely bad English accent was a great disappointment to me. Of all the time he chooses not to go over-the-top, a move about disillusioned Crusader knights escorting a witch is it!?!

ARE WE MEN OR ARE WE COMPUTER PROGRAMS!?!

Tron Legacy is down to number four and also in this is Michael Sheen, in danger of becoming a minor geek god. He was Lucien in the Underworld series, he’s a vampire in the Twilight series and channeling David Bowie here he’s the most interesting non-CGI thing about it. Apparently he’s the only person who thought maybe it should be fun, clearly having learned on Underworld how to take lemons and make lemonade because he and Bill Nighy chewing the scenery were the best part of those films.

TO YOUR RIGHT HAND SHE’LL ALWAYS BE VERONICA SAWYER

Black Swan is up to number five and the most accurate criticism I’ve heard of it recently is that Natalie Portman is the only person who didn’t know this was joke and looking back over the campy performances, it’s true. It’s damn clear Winona Ryder as a boozy-over-the-hill dancer knew. And what must that have been like for her to play a version onscreen of what happened in real life? Of her little doppelganger, Portman, taking her place in the minds and pants of men and boys who love women who look like young girls? Though Alicia Silverstone and Britney Spears both occupied that role between them, they were on another level thanks to their work in geek films.

WE’RE ALL JUST LINT IN HER BELLY BUTTON. IF HER BELLY BUTTON HAD LINT.

Country Strong enters the top ten at number six and I’d wonder how Gwyneth Paltrow felt when the film’s advertising changed from being about her to being about the Gossip Girl and Tron Boy (giving him two films in the top ten) with little mention of her---if I didn’t know she was utterly oblivious to anything about her that’s not about her. You know, like when she talked about how she got in shape for Iron Man 2 OBLIVIOUS to the fact she has no real action scenes in the movie. But I love her still and there’s nothing you can do about it. I will see this. I fucking hate country music and bad southern accents and this promises to have plenty of both, but I will see this.

NEXT UP: CHELSEA HANDLER AND ELIZABETH BANKS NEED TO PLAY SISTERS

The Fighter is down to number seven and we missed casting greatness when Matt Damon dropped out as Mark Walberg’s brother. Yeah, I’m sure Christian Bale is great, but that’s right up there with Jake Gyllenhaal and Tobey Maguire playing brothers. All they needed was Joaquin Phoenix and then they could have played triplets because they’re all the same kinda fugly Frankenstein-headed dude.

F-F-F-FUNNY

The King’s Speech is up to number eight and despite the look of the “Oh-so-important-historical-drama” this is surprisingly light, so if you’re putting it off for that reason, don’t worry. He has a stammer, not polio and the film is aware of this. Everyone has a wonderful dry British wit and it is often on display.

WE CALL IT A BAD FILM; HE CALLS IT PURGATORY

Yogi Bear is down to number nine and in this as Ranger Smith is Tom Cavanagh and remember when his show Ed was going to be the new Northern Exposure? Yeah. Betcha he does too. But Love Monkey was an awesome show that I watch on the ION Networks since music licensing means it’ll be a cold day in hell before it hits DVD. Know who else was on Ed? Justin Long and Julie Bowen. I’m sure that’s gotta sting.

IF COMPUTER STUFF WEREN’T EXPENSIVE, ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL WOULDN’T HAVE NEEDED HER UNDERPANTS.

Finally, Tangled closes out the top ten at number ten and at $322M worldwide, this just basically didn’t flop because it cost $260M. Why? Well, they tried for years to make it and so those development costs got tacked onto the final budget. Also, a new computer program had to be developed for that fucking hair and that’s not cheap.

EVERY MAN’S FANTASY: TO BE AN UNPUNISHED DOUCHEBAG

Californication started up again and while I hate that show, I am compelled to watch it as I am most shows about writers. It’s why I watched every single episode of the odious October Road. Luckily it was a free Showtime weekend to kick off its latest attempt to catch-up to HBO’s original programming so I won’t have to pay for this shit until next week. Yeah, Showtime’s got half a dozen channels, but they’re filled with utter shit so I can wait. This latest season improved dramatically simply because none other than Carla Gugino is now on the show, suggesting she’s got a taste for stories about douchebags, having also been on “entourage.” But it’s still the same menopausal male fantasy piece of shit it has always been. He’s an asshole who says and does whatever he wants, fucks every hot woman who looks at him and still maintains the love of his girlfriend and their daughter in the end despite of all the destruction he leaves in his wake. Let me put it this way: in this season’s opening episode, some 20-something actress wants to fuck him (of course his love for his girlfriend and daughter is what seals the deal for her) and she’s wearing a Foreigner t-shirt, quoting CSN lyrics and The Rolling Stones “Sympathy For The Devil” plays in the background. How the fuck does that appeal to any male under the age of fifty? Hell, I’m in my forties and it screams pathetic to me. But I’ll watch every fucking episode.

I GUESS “THE CODPIECE” DIDN’T HAVE THE SAME IMPACT

TV’s latest attempt to have superheroes is The Cape and while this initially seemed awful, more recent commercials suggested a show more gleefully over-the-top than the underwhelming blandness initially on display. It knew what it was, but respected it. Surprisngly, the show is the same. It knows it’s a superhero show occasionally joking about its conventions (the name “The Cape” is mocked, a man gives a heartfelt dying speech then pops up a few seconds later pissed he’s not dead), but plays it mostly straight. The setup is a mixture of a half-dozen comic book clichés, but they’re clichés for a reason: they work. I mean, it’d be nice if they didn’t test your suspension of disbelief so heavily by having him walking around unnoticed when his face is on the cover of every paper. Seriously would it have been so hard that he used to have a beard and mustache and shaved it off? Or dyed his hair? But again, it’s a knowingly silly action show and a miracle it’s as entertaining as it is.

SHE’S FUNNIER WHEN SHE HATES HERSELF AND NOT OTHER PEOPLE

So, I’ve actually been making use of my instant Netflix through my Playstation 3. Comedy specials mostly, because I can’t decide of the dozens of films I’ve always wanted to see that I can now watch instantly. There are just too many choices. So instead I’ll give up 45 minutes for a comedy special. I can watch it and do other things because listening to jokes doesn’t exactly require a lot of focus. The Kevin Hart special was okay and I’ve seen Kathy Griffin before, but I just wanted to hear it uncensored. It was, however, nice to see Jaenene Garafolo return to form after years in the wilderness of being a humorless harpy intent on screaming politics to her audience. Granted it showed up, but it was only a tiny peace of her act. I guess Obama’s election calmed her down a bit (hopefully it had the same impact on Margaret Cho). In fact I’ll give her the biggest compliment I can in saying it briefly reminded me of Richard Pryor in Live on the Sunset Strip when she did bits about her drinking problem and basically confessed to her ideal life would be as functioning alcoholic. The difference is Richard Pryor would have done a beautifully mastered bit about the whole intervention process as he did with Jim Brown trying to intervene with him. Garafalo only gives us a small taste of what could have been great.

ONE OF THE REASONS I HATE QUENTIN TARANTINO

Finally, Death hits the ground running in 2011 with Pete Postlewaite, Gerry Rafferty and Peter Yates, who brought the world Bullitt.