SOMEBODY'S SLEEPING IN MY BED

1. No Strings Attached/Paramount Wknd/$ 20.3 Total/$ 20.3

2. The Green Hornet/Sony Wknd/$ 18.1 Total/$ 63.4

3. The Dilemma/Universal Wknd?$ 9.7 Total/$ 33.4

4. The King’s Speech/Weinstein Wknd/$ 9.2 Total/$ 58.6

5.True Grit/Paramount Wknd/$ 8.0 Total/$138.6

6. Black Swan/FoxS Wknd/$ 6.2 Total/$ 83.6

7. The Fighter/Paramount Wknd/$ 4.5 Total/$ 73.0

8. Little Fockers/Universal Wknd/$ 4.4 Total/$141.2

9. Yogi Bear/Warners Wknd/$ 4.1 Total/$ 88.9

10. Tron Legacy/Disney Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$163.3

WHEN CLICHÉ MET CONVENTION

No Strings Attached opens at number one cementing Natalie Portman’s status as a star. Notice as I said “Natalie Portman” and not “Ashton Kutcher” because he’s not in any critically acclaimed Oscar bait or has a history and future of blockbusters (Star Wars, Thor). This movie is hers. I wish I could say I was surprised by this success, but the large number of young women in the theater in groups let me know this was going to do well. It only cost $25M and made $20 its opening weekend. Any potential for this to be her “Norbit” and fuck up Portman’s Oscar chances were washed away by the mounds of cold, hard cash that are coming in. See, the Oscars needs movie stars at the ceremony and not a bunch of indie people you don’t want to see, so if anything this just guaranteed her nomination. Yeah, nobody ever said life was fair. But it’s not so much bad as it is just not good. Basically, it’s mediocre and clichéd to the point of being offensive in its unwillingness to deviate from formula. At least bad can be interesting. This isn’t even that. God forbid we ever have a film where the friends who are fucking, just remain friends! It was supposedly the premise of the shithole that was When Harry Met Sally, but in the end they had to be a couple and like this, in the end they have to be a couple. And in the most annoying Hollywood cliché anyone who appears might get in the way of this has to be punished. Yes, Lake Bell is smart, funny, a bit quirky, works in the same business as Ashton Kutcher and helps him achieve his life-long professional goal (not to mention being taller with larger breasts, thus looking more like a woman than a girl), but she dares briefly distract him by being infinitely more appropriate for him than Natalie Portman so she has to be humiliated twice. First by being abandoned by Ashton Kutcher, then in the closing credits by whom she winds up with. Same for Portman, who of course cannot be with the tall, good-looking, crew-rowing, Harvard-educated doctor she works with and he too has to be abandoned by her and in the closing credits to be shown to be less of a man than Kutcher. Even Ralph Bellamy was treated better.

LOOKS ARE ALL THAT MATTER AND STOP TRYING TO TELL ME THAT THEY DON’T!

The Green Hornet is down to number two and nothing with Seth Rogen in a starring role will get my money ever again. Like Jack Black, he’s a fucking sidekick and an annoying one at that. Luckily, I was never so much a Green Hornet fan that this would bother me too much. Yes, I get it. Everyone knows Bruce Lee was the star of the old show so this movie makes Kato the real hero and The Green Hornet a bit of a fuck up. That doesn’t make the presence of Seth Rogen any less annoying. I see him? I hear him? No.

REMEMBER WHEN DANNY DEVITO WAS BRIEFLY A STAR? (SHUDDER)

The Dilemma is down to number three and ugly guys with beautiful girls have always been a part of storytelling because ugly guys are the ones telling the stories. Hell, if I looked like Taye Diggs do you think I’d be writing this!?! No. But it’s still annoying seeing movies like this where women like Jennifer Connelly and Winona Ryder are either wan to marry or are married Vince Vaughn and Kevin James, respectively. In real life Jennifer Connelly is married to Paul Bettany and Winona Ryder fucked Johnny Depp. And no, the fact that she’s cheating on Kevin James with Channing Tatum does not make up for it (though it does make perfect sense). What makes no sense is that he has her to begin with. Needless to say, I will never see this. I like equally pretty people onscreen. If you’re going to do “beauty and the beast” acknowledge the beast as being “the beast.”

APPARENTLY EVERY GENERATION GETS ONE

The King’s Speech is down to number four, followed by True Grit at number five and The Black Swan at number six, giving Natalie Portman two films in the top ten this week…neither of them all that good, but oddly very successful. Clearly the movie gods hate me. Just when I thought I was rid of Julia Roberts and her plague on cinema with movies being critically praised and successful no matter how bad they were, this happens. Well, at least Portman’s genuinely pretty.

BAHSTUN

The Fighter is up to number seven and finally Christian Bale’s weight loss movies might pay off, because this is pretty much a shoo-in for Best Supporting Actor and the proof is in the appearance of the real life person he plays appearing in the closing credits. His portrayal is dead fucking on. It’s an old story of “the fighter with one last shot who makes good” but has the virtue of being based on real life events (notice I didn’t say an actual “true story” because who knows what shit they changed). It’s not revolutionary filmmaking but it’s told in a way that doesn’t insult you. My only quibble with the film is how it seemingly exploits the lower class nature of the sisters of Mark Walberg’s character. They aren’t people but caricatures to be laughed at. Basically, the same thing that was exploited in Flava of Love, Rock of Love and currently on The Jersey Shore, because this is an arthouse film, meaning it was made by people who pride themselves on their intellectualism. They clearly know better. Or maybe it was just the Upper West Side Manhattan audience I saw it with who took too much joy in laughing at these people. When one Mark Walberg’s sisters dares to side with him against their domineering mother, she crushes her daughter with the fact that the daughter owes her money. It’s not so much funny as utterly sad, but there were nothing but gales of laughter from the audience. Fuckers.

WE’RE ALL WHORES

Littler Fockers is down to number eight followed by Yogi Bear at number nine and didn’t Anna Faris give the illusion of being a comedic leading woman recently. What happened that she’s doing this? Clearly someone need to buy their parents a house.

IT’S WHAT 30 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE GETS YOU

Finally, Tron Legacy closes out the top ten at number ten bringing us to the end of Jeff Bridges having two completely different films in the top ten. As diametrically opposed as Natalie Portman’s two films, not all that remarkable in either case like Natalie Portman’s two films, but nonetheless better than Natalie Portman’s two films.

BEST DAMN R&B SONG OF THE 90’S

So I actually left the house on all three days of this weekend. Part of my new 2011 philosophy. Friday night I saw Amel Larrieux play at the Blue Note. Because I stopped going to see live performances back in…well, I was never one for live performances, so this is remarkable on a basic level. But when I saw this listed in the Friday paper and saw it was only $20 to sit at the bar, well I was in. I even overcame my anxiety at not working out that day to it (seriously, where the fuck did that come from?). I don’t think I’ve been to The Blue Note in over 20 years and my own reclusiveness aside, part of it is that smaller A-list clubs like this are usually very expensive, so I figured whatever they charged for beer of food I could swing for a $20 cover. I got there around 7:30, not expecting much of a crowd on such a cold night and I was right, though the place eventually filled up. Had I gotten there 15 minutes earlier I might have even gotten a seat at the bar, which was filled with 30-something females. It threw me for a loop for a second, but then I realized Groove Theory was big about 15 years ago, which would put it squarely in the middle of their teen years. What was interesting was that the bulk of the people at the bar were not black, but the bulk of the people seated were---but of course the largest group was all Asian. I love New York. And seeing so many good looking Black people (seriously, it was annoying) just reminded me the reason I don’t see more is because---for better or worse---it’s rare I’m even in a majority Black environment. A multi-cultural environment, yes, that’s not the same as being in a place where you are prevailing standard. A deep thought for another day. As most of you know, Amel Larrieux was the voice of Groove Theory, which had one good R&B album back in the mid-nineties then broke up. Amel then started her solo career while he tried to briefly replace her. She’s fared a bit better with her third album coming out this March and who knows what the fuck he’s doing. Still, I can’t pretend Groove Theory wasn’t her peak. For some reason she thinks she’s a Jazz singer. She’s not. She’s not even an R&B singer; she’s a lightweight R&B singer, which is why Groove Theory was so perfect for her. But few people are going to tell someone that pretty they’re wrong, least of all her producer husband, so more than a little bit of the show was dull, from her own music to her uninspired covers of jazz standards and Joni Mitchell. However, her upcoming album shows more pep and she threw in a small tribute to Teena Marie, covering “Square Biz.” Again, Teen Marie was no hardcore R&B singer either, so she fit Amel Larrieux like glove. Of course the show ended with “Tell Me” but she would have done better to include more of her peak years. One interesting note was that her incredibly gorgeous keyboardist was actually her 16-year-old daughter (she had to have been born right when they blew up). If dad doesn’t own a gun already, he needs to invest in one. Seriously. He’s in the music business. He knows what’s going to be coming her way. Rappers, lead singers and guitarists. Very few of whom will be 16 or care that she is.

NO ONE EVER SEEMS TO VISIT WHEN IT’S WARM

Saturday and Sunday I actually ventured outside to meet with visiting friends. Saturday was one of the Jezebel girls I met online who actually lives in London (though she’s from Australia). Her boyfriend brought her to America “on holiday” so we met for a cup of coffee in SoHo. Well, she had coffee. I don’t drink it so I had a cup of hot chocolate on Prince and Mulberry that was so good I wanted to bathe in it. And it was in a combination bookstore and café, which is exactly what you imagined should be in SoHo. And everyone inside it looked like someone who should be in a café in SoHo, being either gorgeous or perfectly styled in a downtown fashion. Seriously, I felt like a fucking country troll. Next time I go, I’m going to be better dressed. Sunday night Angelina Jolie Smile (and rack) was in town taking a break from suburban life. We occasionally get together to watch a football playoff game since no one in her immediate family understand how she can sit there from 1:00 to 11:00 pm every Sunday watching games (and her screaming makes her young daughter cry). We went to a sports bar in my neighborhood where we were fortunate enough to find seats in front of one of the 20 flatscreens they have to watch both the Jets and the Bears learn you just can’t play the last two quarters and hope to win. You have to play all four. During the game we discussed our mutual passion of movies, TV and celebrity gossip and were both amused by the continued existence of “the bar girl.” You know, that moderately attractive girl who is in every bar, drinking a little too hard, trying a little to hard for attention. Except that these two were well into their 30’s and quite frankly too old to be doing this shit especially on a Sunday night. Did they not have jobs!?! Only the unemployed can do the walk of shame on a Monday morning. The rest of us have to get the fuck up. They were eyeing our seats the entire time they were there and we actually spoke briefly before they resigned themselves to the fact we weren’t giving them up and left with some poor bastard who clearly thought this was going to be the best night of his life, but was more than likely going to buy a lot of drinks for two women who would either be too drunk to fuck him or would abandon him at the drop of a hat for someone better. Which wasn’t hard, because he was kind of a dweeb. Trust me. We can smell our own.

DEATH’S GETTING A GUT

Clearly Death needed a personal trainer, as she took none other than Jack LaLanne, America’s first fitness guru. She also took Susannah York and none other than Don Kirschner of Don Kirschner’s Rock Concert to finally mount a show with all those dead musicians.

IT’S WHERE I SPEND 100% OF MY TIME

Finally, I have a new bed. Well, a new bed frame. A NoHo or a SoHo depending on who's selling it. Seems I was being an immature loser to still have the futon sofabed I bought when I got out of college, like it was on the fucking floor or something. But that’s okay. Fine. Just know that I got it because it bothered me that I was sleeping on 20-year-old wood, not to please the judgmental bitches I call friends who roasted me over it. After all, none of them will ever be in it. Bitches. I looked into regular mattresses, but after being on the futon so long, I prefer it. I like the way it gives, but is still firm. Mattresses either give too much or not at all. Yes, I know. It doesn’t bounce back when you fuck on it, but it hasn’t exactly slowed down the population of Asia, now has it? Not to mention there’s something called “doggiestyle.” Still, this mattress is a few years old, but a new one, a good new one, will cost pretty much as much as the bed frame, because it’s a queen so it’s gonna have to wait. And I’m not exactly thrilled with this duvet either (it turned out to be yellow instead of gold, remember). Damn it! I hate these types of grown up purchases. I should be spending my money on blu-rays and videogames. You know, insuring that no one is ever in this bed but me.