SHO NUFF!

1. Tropic Thunder/Par-DW Wknd/$ 16.1 Total/$ 65.7
2. The House Bunny/Sony Wknd/$ 15.1 Total/$ 15.1
3. Death Race/Universal Wknd/$ 12.3 Total/$ 12.3
4. Batman: Dark Knight/WB Wknd/$ 10.3 Total/$ 489.2
5. Star Wars: The Clone Wars/WB Wknd/$ 5.7 Total/$ 25.0
6. Pineapple Express/Sony Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 73.9
7. Mirrors/Fox Wknd/$ 4.9 Total/$ 20.1
8. The Longshots/MGM Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 4.3
9. Mamma Mia/Universal Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 124.5
10. The Mummy 3/Universal Wknd/$ 4.1 Total/$ 93.8

AS A WRITER HE’S A HELLUVA ACTOR
Much to my surprise, Tropic Thunder holds at number one and this was co-written by none other than Justin Theroux…who should really not quit his day job. You know him best from Sex & The City as the writer whose mom was Rhoda and whose dad was Illya Kuryakin from Man from U.N.C.L.E. You’d think an actor would do a little more fleshing out of characters, but that’s only for characters they’re playing themselves, which is why co-writer Ben Stiller’s character actually does get that. Only Robert Downey Jr. seemed to understand if you want more you have to take it. A secret he failed to share with Jack Black. Everyone likes to think they can be a writer, but there’s a big difference in being able to imagine something and being able to imagine something and convey well to others in a written form. Hell, I do this half in the bag. Imagine how good it’d be if I did it sober!?! The lack of spelling errors alone would reveal new layers of brilliance. And if you’re an Iron Man fan be afraid, be very afraid because he’s writing the sequel. What qualifies him to write the sequel, you might ask? Absolutely nothing, which is why geeks all are over the world are currently crying into their fan-scripts right now. It’s at times like this I’m grateful I’m not an Iron Man fan because this movie does not bode well for the future.

LEGALLY BUT PROBABLY NOT A NATURAL BLONDE
The House Bunny opens at number two and this is from the writers of Legally Blonde who decided to keep milking that cow (apparently they’re not getting cut from the musical) and so once again we have the story of a blonde rejected only to rise again but with a little more depth. Only this time they dropped it a few I.Q. points and added boobs because rather than tell the story of a girl who’s smart enough to get into Harvard Law, it’s a ditz who convinces smart girls to slut up so people will like them. I’m not saying it’s isn’t true, because there are quite a few women I suddenly became fond of when they broke out the slutwear for the company Christmas party, but is it really something to be celebrating? I guess there was just too much empowerment going on and someone felt a step back was needed. But seriously, What. The. Fuck!?! Who in the 21st century of Hilary-Almost-Made-It makes a movie about how smart women have to show their tits and look pretty to be liked? Needless to say, I’ve got a little too much estrogen-enriched testosterone to see this. The little third wave feminist in me is pissed and she’s just not having it, especially given the lack of subversive wit. There should be some thorough mocking of this “boobs before brains” story. Let me put it this way: suppose it was the story of a male model who wound up taking care of a bunch of geeky guys in a frat house, do you think they’d have cast a bunch of attractive guys and made them look dweeby so they could slap a nice suit on them and suddenly get a hottie? No, they’d cast those dudes from Superbad who’d still get the hot girls despite their lack of chiseled abs. Unlike this, their beauty makeover montage (I don’t even have to see it to know there’s a beauty makeover montage; there’s always a beauty makeover montage in movies like this) wouldn’t reveal them to look like the dudes on Gossip Girl. They’d be a little better dressed but no more attractive, whereas one of the girls here was in fact “The Hot Girl” from Superbad! Never, ever doubt that Hollywood is run by dudes.

NO, THIS IS NOT WHAT THE ACCOUNTANTS AT WARNER BROTHERS CALL SPEED RACER
Death Race opens at number three and this is a remake of the cult classic Death Race 2000 from the 70’s from schlock-meister Roger Corman, most notable for its point system where you gained them by mowing people down. Of course when you remake this movie you keep its most famous aspect, yes? No. It’s gone entirely for better or worse and is taken far too seriously. In the hands of a director with vision and intelligence this is ripe for satire on the Robocop level, but in the hands of the man who brought you Resident Evil, this is a straight B action movie, where the best thing you can say is at least he kept it down to 90 minutes. Not that this will tarnish Jason Statham’s position as the B-list Action Movie King. If anything, this will help to solidify it. The thing is, he wants to be an A-list star, but A-list has to be better than this even when it sucks. You can’t show how debased society has become and not comment on how debased society has become and this does not, though set in a future where private corporations run prisons for profit and death matches have the sanction of the government. I think there was more satire in the 1975 version, whereas this is done with a straight face. I think the most subversive thing they do is have people smoke (but not the hero). Like The House Bunny, the very premise should be ridiculed within the film itself. Even worse, it’s got an “R” rating and actually mentions that having a hot female navigator is simply part of the selling point of Death Race. But there’s no sex or nudity. Why fail to accept that particular aspect of your B-Movie status while embracing all others? And what’s the point in Jason Statham if he’s not going to kick people in the head? This is what killed Jean Claude Van Damme’s career, you know. He decided he didn’t want to be known as a “martial arts guy” exclusively. Well congrats, monsieur. No one knows you at all now (they even have the Arnold/Jean Claude moment where they explain why he’s got an accent in America). Finally, how can you do this movie without even a cameo from either Sylvester Stallone or David Carradine? Stallone may turn his nose up at it, but given that Carradine is still milking the Kung Fu days with a movie on Spike TV called “Kung Fu Killer” (playing a character named “Crane” no less) I’d say he was available.

TRUTH, JUSTICE AND BUSTING A CAP IN A MUTHAFUCKA’S ASS
The Dark Knight is down to number four and this has resulted in both good things and bad things for Superman. First the good: the overwhelming success of rebooting Batman has confirmed what a mistake it was to allow Bryan Singer to continue a franchise that stopped over twenty years ago with his lackluster Superman Returns. Warner Brothers announced last week that it would not be getting a sequel and Superman would be rebooted as a franchise. The bad news is because The Dark Knight has domestically become the second most successful film in history (not adjusted for inflation) that they would be going “dark” with Superman and every superhero film. Bear in mind this is same moron who said Warner Brothers would no longer be making films with women in the lead only to have Sex & The City go on to make $388M worldwide. So basically, having tired of fucking Superman up in one way based entirely on numbers, they’ve decided to fuck Superman up in another way entirely, also based entirely on numbers.

BECAUSE “GOOD LOOKING MANCHILD” IS APPARENTLY AN OXYMORON
Star Wars: The Clone Wars is down to number five, followed by Pineapple Express at number six and what does this have in common with Tropic Thunder? Bill Hader and Danny McBride and in both they’re funnier than the film deserves. Danny McBride has been having a breakout year, starting with The Foot Fist Way, which was loved by Hollywood’s comedy elite such as Will Ferrell, Judd Apatow and Ben Stiller, hence his appearances in their camps, having previously appeared in The Heartbreak Kid with Ben Stiller and will be in Land of the Lost with Will Ferrell. He was also in Hot Rod and DrillBit Taylor with…Bill Hader, who is well known as an SNL cast member and obviously beloved by Apatow having been in Knocked Up, Drillbit Taylor Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Superbad and this. His starring role as one of Apatow’s manchildren is just a matter of time and probably with McBride at his side.

THAT “O” ALSO MEANS OSCAR IS NOT A COINCIDENCE
Mirrors is down to number six and also in this is Paula Patton, aka “That Girl You Initially Mistake For Halle Berry” and given that Halle is down for mommy duty, she should do what Faith Hill did when Shania Twain took some time off: rush in to fill that void as best you can as much as you can! And if that means taking that top off, you’d best get to it, ‘cause there’s a shelf life on that and Halle herself got it in just under the wire of people almost not caring anymore that it could make an onscreen impact. And she needs to just work more, period. Halle didn’t do crap like B.A.P.s, because of its potential excellence. It was work and it was a starring role. Same for the TV movies she’s done. So, no more playing “the wife” for guys like Keifer Sutherland. If you must be “the wife” or “the girlfriend” make sure “the husband” or “boyfriend” is A-list. Oh, and she became friends with Oprah, probably the best career move of all.

HE TRIED AND FAILED FOR THE NOOKIE, THE NOOKIE
Speaking of Halle Berry, The Longshots opens at number seven and this was directed by none other than Fred Durst who made a video of his crap remake of “Behind Blue Eyes” just to get a chance to kiss Halle Berry, who let him know his chances by eating garlic before the kissing scene. Yeah, best stick to groupie skanks and a drunk Britney Spears, dude. This also stars Ice Cube who continues to back his truck up to the family film bank. This is based on a true story of a girl who played quarterback in Pop Warner football. How sad is it when Fred Durst is your antidote to The House Bunny? This seems like a difficult story to fuck up, but if you’re going to, hiring Fred Durst to direct is the right move to make. And what genius decided to release this before football season started and before the last holiday weekend of the summer at the very least!?! It’s rare I say this, but this needed to come from Walt Disney. They’d have known how to properly package it. Let the devil do his work.

THE END
Mamma Mia is down to number nine, followed by The Mummy 3: Curse of the Dragon Emperor closing out the top ten at number ten.

GIVING FALSE HOPE TO THE BAND LOVERBOY
Remember when I mocked Rick Springfield’s new album a few weeks ago, saying no one would ever hear it (even as I put it on my iPod)? Well, a few days after that he performed it on General Hospital and his album debuted at #28. If his agent/manager/whatever isn’t calling Victoria’s Secret everyday trying to make some sort of deal, then he needs to be fired. Oh, and apparently “Jessie’s Girl” is the number karaoke song of all time. I call bullshit on that. I’m pretty sure it’s gotta be something by Journey.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE PULL OF CHEAP CHICKEN
The odd celebrity sighting of Dylan McDermott on 9th Avenue and 40th Street. He’s not that tall. I mean still taller than me, but not by much. And like most actors, thin. He must be doing a play at one of those theaters between 9th and 10th, because there’s simply no other reason for him to be there. Unless he’s cruising Port Authority for runaways now that he’s single or buying chicken cheap at that supermarket there like I was.

ME, I’M WAITING FOR DUREX ARENA
I don’t like baseball, but oddly I do enjoy going to Shea with my brother. He usually makes me go once or twice a year, but we missed 2007 entirely due to my bleeding brain. That’s probably why I forgot where to transfer and ended up in the wilds of Queens before heading back. It was imperative we get at least one game in this year given that it’s going to be torn down and taken over by Citi Field. Seeing the game live gives the sport the actual illusion of excitement for me. Also, when at a ball game I feel comparatively thin and handsome. It’s somehow fitting the biggest sports fans are those who look least likely to be able to play even shuffleboard without having a coronary. Apparently they’re still handing out one free gold necklace with every Mets jersey you buy and if you’re especially porky, you get a second, third and possibly seventeen. Normally, we go during the week and I recognized the wisdom of this when seated in front of a row of douchebag fans, the kind who haven’t been able to look down to see their tiny dicks since the alcohol induced weight gain of college. The Mets lost, but I could have cared less. My only desire to see them win in extra innings was that the people who left early would be denied the opportunity to see it. I hate people who leave early. These are the same fair weather fuckers who can’t buy enough paraphernalia when the team starts winning or makes it to the playoffs. They justify every dickhead athlete who abandons his team for more money or prestige elsewhere. When you come to see a sport, you stay until the game ends, period. If not, you deserved to be rooked for $6 sodas.

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE ONE OF THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE…ON SKATES
All I can say about the Williamsburg Bridge is that it has one mutha of a long incline. It’s not that steep, and I’ve done worse, but it seeming goes on for-fucking-ever. The reward, of course, is coming back. And I realize why I tend not to ride until around 3:00 or 4:00 on Saturday: less people. Going out at the peak of the afternoon is a fucking mess, not the least of which is the increase in hot women rollerblading. When you hear that I’ve killed myself on my bike, know that it wasn’t lack of a helmet, but being unable to take my eyes off that one cutie bobbing along in her tank top and short-shorts, which is apparently the Hot Female Rollerblader dress code (hot male rollerbladers just dispense with the shirt entirely showing you the 8-pack is no myth). They’re all out to get me.

NOTICE THERE’S NO LAW ABOUT A CALORIE COUNT ON DRINKS
So, I was wondering why my six day a week activity plan and salads almost every night hadn’t gotten me more than the initial ten pounds I lost almost immediately in May. I was wondering about it while taking out the recyclables, which consisted of orange juice containers and tequila bottles. Yes, liquid calories are the devil, kids. You can eat those cookies, but don’t you dare eat those cookies and have a soda. Granted, I may be a little excessive in the literal gallon of orange juice I consume every three days, but I blame the heat. When it cools off, that will come down. Likewise a liter of tequila a week. Only in the summer. Only in the summer. Of course, when it cools down I’ll probably be riding less so there will be no improvement. I already have a fucking cold thanks to the recent temperature dip.

Death claimed her third older Black actor in the form of Julius Carrey, best known to the world as the prettiest, the meanest, the baddest mo’ fo’ low down around this town, Sho ‘Nuff, from The Last Dragon. Samuel L. Jackson can now rest easy, but this saddens me because I had no idea how much this silly little movie meant to me until I read about his death. Anyone remember when Busta Rhymes played Sho Nuff in one of his videos?

DRIZZLE

1. Tropic Thunder/Par-DW Wknd/$ 26.0 Total/$ 37.0
2. Batman: Dark Knight/WB Wknd/$ 16.8 Total/$ 471.5
3. Star Wars: The Clone Wars/WB Wknd/$ 15.1 Total/$ 15.5
4. Mirrors/Fox Wknd/$ 11.1 Total/$ 11.1
5. Pineapple Express/Sony Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 62.9
6. The Mummy 3/Universal Wknd/$ 8.6 Total/$ 86.6
7. Mamma Mia/Universal Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 116.4
8. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 Wknd/$ 5.9 Total/$ 19.7
9. Step Brothers/Sony Wknd/$ 5.0 Total/$ 90.9
10.Vicky Cristina Barcelona Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 3.7

SEMI TROPIC DRIZZLE
Tropic Thunder dethrones The Dark Knight after a month, opening at number one. If you’ve ever seen the old Ben Stiller Show, you know that something like this has been a long time coming (“Advantage Aggassi” a sketch about Andre Agassi as an action adventure hero). And as 5-10 minute sketch on the show this may have been brilliant, but stretched out to two hours, it’s a little thin. If you’re going to flesh it out to two hours, you have to actually give the characters something beyond their one-note descriptions. The exception to this rule being Robert Downey Jr. as an Australian actor who’s doing what he thinks is a Black man. He takes it and goes off running leaving the rest of them to struggle with what little they have, most notably Jack Black as a comedic actor trying to get some dramatic respectability while dealing with a drug problem. There’s literally no other way to describe his character he’s given so little depth. And then they don’t have the courage of their convictions when he betrays the team to get drugs. Ben Stiller is the director, so of course he gets the most backstory, but the funniest part of it is Matthew McConughey as his agent, literally named Pecker (mocking agents was always a staple of Stiller’s show). But no thin joke is more stretched out than Tom Cruise under a few layers of make-up as the obnoxious mogul producing the film. If it had been a cameo role, it might have been great, but it just doesn’t seem to end. Like most of what he does outside of his own movie star milieu, he’s trying too hard and you’d think someone as good with comedy as Ben Stiller would know enough to rein him in, but you’d be wrong. A two second joke about how he likes to dance to hip-hop, is run into the ground with dance number that ends the film and seeming goes on forever. All I can think of is how much better someone like Vince Vaughn would have been in the role.

RHETT BUTLER IS RICHER THAN BRUCE WAYNE
Batman: The Dark Knight is down to number two and if you’re wondering if this has beaten Titanic yet, stop wondering. In fact, stop thinking of Titanic as the biggest movie of all time, because when adjusted for inflation, Gone With The Wind still rules the roost, a feat all the more impressive when you realize it did so with fewer people, fewer theaters and cheaper tickets. When adjusted for inflation Titanic is actually #6 while The Dark Knight comes up at #39, though finally surpassing the first Batman movie at #48. Can you believe that piece of shit is one of the 50 biggest movies of all time even when adjusted for inflation. The real target for The Dark Knight is Spider-Man, which sits at number #33 on the All Time Adjusted For Inflation list. If it passes that, then it will be the biggest comic book movie ever made. Superman The Movie is down at #61 because you bitches are weak and lack soul. Of course if you don’t adjust for inflation, The Dark Knight is #2 to Titanic domestically and $130M behind it, which it will not make at this point. Worldwide, it’s #19 putting it behind two Spider-Man movies, two Pirates of the Carribean, two Star Wars, one Shrek, one Jurassic Park, Finding Nemo and every Lord of The Rings and Harry Potter movie.

AND I HEAR THERE’S NO CRAWL AT THE BEGINNING
Star Wars: The Clone Wars the animated feature opens at number three and once upon a time a Star Wars movie opening at anything but number one was unthinkable. Then came the prequel trilogy and now this is no surprise to anyone. I mean, who gives a shit about these lackluster events or characters!?! Especially when we know how it’s all going to end? And there’s going to be a TV series too!?! To show you just how bankrupt Lucas’s imagination really is, notice how he never does anything with Luke, Leia and Han. It’s much easier to tell the story of a rebellion than it is to tell the story of establishing a republic. God knows he couldn’t tell the story of the fall of one. I suppose I should be grateful, but that does seem the logical progression, does it not? And this has already been done once before and well with the 5 minute Clone Wars shorts on The Cartoon Network. In fact it’s sadly the success of that excellent series that this even exists. It was proof the cow could be milked and milked well. Unfortunately, one of my geeks loved it and given that I George Lucas didn’t write it I might use some free passes I’ve got laying around to go one night. I’ve got two. Who wants to come suffer with me?

WHAT’S REALLY SCARY IS THAT THREE MUSKETEERS WITH CHARLIE SHEEN
Mirrors opens at number four and I think we know how I feel about the scary, so there’s zero chance of me ever seeing this, but let me state how unusual it is to see a horror film which isn’t based on a Japanese movie or isn’t torture porn (but don’t worry, Saw 5 is coming this Halloween). Keifer Sutherland is apparently aware he can’t ride the 24 train forever and wants back into features. And what’s the easiest way to do this, kids? Yes, that’s right: genre films which have built in audiences so the stars actually don’t matter. If it succeeds it’s essentially a freebie in your “win” column. This however, is not a win. I know “counter-programming” for the summer seems like a good idea, but at this late date, you might as well wait for Halloween.

IZZAT YOU, MOOKIE?
Pineapple Express is down to number five and also in this is none other than Rosie Perez. Believe it or not, she does a lot of theater in New York these days. Yeah, with that voice. I wonder if she still talks to JLo? Right now she’s a little pissed with Kanye West who talks about her boobs in a song. Um, Rosie, you can count on one hand minus the thumb how many 40-something women are mentioned in a current song by a 20-something man, so you should take it and fucking run with it. There’s good chance 90% of the kids listening to it have no idea who you fucking are, considering you first showed those boobs onscreen in 1989.

‘MONEY, MONEY, MONEY…”
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Warrior is down to number six, followed by Mama Mia at number seven and can I tell you how much I respect ABBA for never, ever fucking reuniting. They face up to a billion dollar payoff if they do, but they won’t. Most bands, death itself won’t stop them (yes, Queen, I’m looking at you), but these guys are like, “Nope. That shit is too painful. I’m not going back.” And money really can’t move them considering their greatest hits is back at number one. They’ve never stopped getting paid.

MR. SHOW…ME MALE MENOPAUSE
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is down to number eight and Amber Tamblyn is dating old-ass David Cross. Just goes to show you no matter how counter-culture a man seems, young pussy will make liars of us all.

I MEAN YOU WOULDN’T CALL IT ALVY ANNIE MANHATTAN, WOULD YOU?
Step Brothers is down to number nine, followed by Vicky Cristina Barcelona opening at number ten probably because even art film lovers are down for a little girl-on-girl action (as if there’d ever be actual sex in a Woody Allen film). This is the latest from what will inevitably be known as Woody Allen’s “Twilight Expatriate Period” that series of films he made overseas when domestic funds ran dry that actually generated a brief spark of creativity. I’m not saying we will ever return to the halcyon days of the late 70’s and early 80’s, but neither are we at the rock bottom period of Deconstructing Harry and Celebrity or more recently, Anything Else, Curse of the Jade Scorpion and Hollywood Ending. His new muse is obviously Scarlett Johansson and I must be the only man alive who just doesn’t get it. Yes, I see the bee stung lips and the boobs, but so what? For me, the most notable thing about her is her voice. Well, this is her third film with Woody Allen so he obviously loves her. Here she plays Cristina who along with her friend, Vicky (played by Rebecca Hall), is spending July and August in Barcelona. Vicky is working on her thesis on Catalan culture, while Cristina is just getting away from a failed relationship and failed artistic endeavors. As with most Woody Allen films, this takes place within a certain monied class. The girls are staying with relatives of Vicky’s who are obviously very well off and at one point when Cristina decides to go off to Paris for two weeks, there’s never any indication how she’s paying for any of this. It’s a fantasy life we’d all like to lead, where our only concerns are art and love. The girls are approached by an artist played by Javier Bardeem and I give Woody Allen points for never pretending he’s good looking, ‘cause he ain’t. Sexy, yes, and it’s on full display here, but not good looking. He wants them both and while the wilder Scarlett Johansson is down for it, the more sensible, engaged Rebecca Hall is not. Needless to say, both he and Spain wear her down. Afterwards, however, he takes up with Scarlett Johansson while Rebecca Hall questions the plans she’s made for her life. Javier Bardeem and Scarlett Johansson began an actual relationship, which takes an odd turn when the ex-wife (Penelope Cruz) whom he obviously stilly loves though she put a knife into him returns and begins living with them and sleeping with them both (Javier Bardeem and Penelope Cruz are the rare couple who shine together onscreen). In the meantime, domesticity comes to Spain for Rebecca Hall when her nice guy, non-exciting fiancée comes to Spain to get married. It’s not a bad way to spend 90 minutes and everyone and every thing in it is easy on the eyes. If they got a tax break from the Spanish government to shoot, that was money well surrendered because it borders on a tourism ad at times. This isn’t a comedy, per se, and we’re probably better off for it, as his gifts have long since left him in that arena. This is more a light drama that’s painless to see, but no great loss if you don’t.

MORE MORON TALES OF BIKING…
Because I decided to give my injured body another week to heal before returning to kung fu I only biked last week. We get out of work early on Fridays in the summer, so I was able to grab a quick ride in the afternoon, this time an extension of the ride downtown to Battery Park that I usually during the week at night. The bike map indicated there was some way around to the path under the FDR where I’d been before, only I could never find it. On Wednesday night however, I saw a woman jogging in that direction and decided to follow her. Sure enough, she led me right to it. I took that up to Delancy, then rode over to 2nd and then take the bike lane on Prince Street back over the West Side where I’d take that path back up. It was interesting finally seeing it in the day. And I use the term “seeing” loosely as I decided to forgo my glasses for my non-prescription sunglasses. I figured the glare of the sun would leave me blind anyway so I chose the option that made me look cool. “Who’s the dead biker?” “I dunno, but he looks hot in those shades.”

IN THE LAND OF WOMEN
In a shocking development I spent my weekend mostly in the company of women, spanning the generations.

Friday
Friday night was another Jezebel drinking night, albeit a short one. The Jezebel gathering was uncharacteristically at a bar called McGee’s on 55th between 8th and Broadway, best known these days from How I Met Your Mother, which is never a good sign, considering that show blows. It was a little too testosterone-douchey for our group, even when we adjourned to the upstairs, but we made the most of it, actually having Jezebel staff members show up. One thing I have noticed about the group aside from a couple of dudes now showing up is that the color quotient has increased and by the end of the night the remaining six of us were all people of color, which became our joke. And I love the way fate fucks with me by introducing me now to a pretty Black girl getting her masters in Film Theory. Yeah, that’s funny. I will not become David Cross.

Saturday
Unfortunately, this night of drinking guaranteed I wouldn’t be up before noon on Saturday for wedding dress shopping with The Libertine at Kleinfelds’s because, yes, I am that much of a girlfriends. It wasn’t as important as it sounds, considering she already bought a gorgeous dress. This was more checking things out to reassure her choice. She did have her bridesmaid with her so I met them later at Barney’s, where she spent as much on shoes as she did on her dress, though on pair were for her bridesmaid who did accompany her to Kleinfeld’s. It was for the best I didn’t help her there either, as my choice would have been the $1000 Laboutants and not the $700 Mahnolo’s she chose. After that we walked down 5th, stopping at Tiffany’s of course to look at engagement rings, though she obviously has her rock, then to Saks to look at more shoes, passing the painfully perfect dude being forced to stand shirtless in low-slung jeans in the doorway to Abercrombie & Fitch. There was a line to apparently take pictures with him. Pretty boy bastard. After this, we were too close to Kenneth Cole not to visit and while my desire for a loafer with a buckle remained unfulfilled I did find a nice version of the military-style jacket I’VE ONLY BEEN LOOKING FOR FOR THE PAST YEAR, THANKS FOR NOTHING, PEOPLE! Unfortunately it only comes in gray. After that we headed down to The Spotted Pig on W 11th for dinner. I should say we put our names down for dinner two hours later. We killed the time by taking a trip to The Pleasure Chest, as Babeland was just too far away. The Libertine needed a new vibrator as she’s pretty much destroyed her rabbit. Also she was tired of buying batteries and this new one is a Magic Wand type of thing that not only plugs in, but also has different attachments for enhanced pleasure and apparently mixing drinks and small home repairs. I don’t watch Iron Chef so I had no idea the reason The Spotted Pig has such a waiting time is because its chef is a woman who won it. She was actually there cooking that night, as The Bridesmaid was a fan and identified her. As you may have guessed, the place is not for vegetarians, heavy on the meat products, especially the other white meat. Now, the idea of a prune wrapped in bacon may sound a bit daunting, but as we know, bacon makes everything wonderful and this particular appetizer alone was worth the wait to me, much less the burger I had with Roquefort cheese on it. Sorry, but I wasn’t southern enough to go for the pig’s ear and too American to go for the beef tongue, though now I have no doubt they were probably wonderful. The only blight on our evening was the couple next to us and the only way this asshole could have been more of a douchebag would have been to flip the collar on his polo shirt up. One of the reasons The Libertine and I get along is that we enjoy just watching people and making catty remarks, so think twice before you wear those heels with those short shorts. You might as well wear a shirt that reads, “No One Knows I’m A Slut.” And while wedges are better, not by much. That shirt reads, “No, Seriously. No One Knows I’m A Slut.” And, dude, just because you’re gay doesn’t make every fashion choice you make “adventurous.” That’s just another word for “bad.”

Sunday
The Former Miss Pretty Boy is a mom! She had her baby back in May I think (I can’t be sure since my spam filter doesn’t like her and ships all her announcements into the trash) and now that actual social smiles have begun it was time to see her because I’ve had enough of deluding myself that gas was actually meant for me. We met for brunch down on the lower east side on Ludlow & Broome near where she lives. Little Miss Pretty Boy is 14 pounds happy and healthy. Well, at least she was until apparently my excuse for facial hair scratched her cheek and she started crying. Since we all know I can’t grow facial hair worth shit, it actually turned out to be the heat, because she remained cranky for the rest of brunch, but after going to a cooler home and taking a little nap, she was nothing but giggles and smiles. Of course, being a moron, I forgot to bring my camera, but she’s two seconds away from crawling and I’ll be back for that.

OMFG!
My Gossip Girl sightings continue as I saw Serena and Dan, aka, Blake Lively and Penn Bagley on 1st Avenue near Houston. Now, all I need are Chuck, Blair and Little J.

“ THEN THE ENGLISH POP SOUL INVASION OF THE NEW MILLENIUM TOOK A SURPRISING TURN…”
Speaking of Kanye West, I love Estelle’s “American Boy.” It’s got that nice muffled bass sound I like so much. Finally, a Black girl from England is singing R&B. The irony of Amy Winehouse, Duffy and Adele from the nation that pioneered the idea of “whitness” was overwhelming. Then again, Estelle is aided by John Legend, Will I. Am and Kanye West, so basically to give English Sistas work, we had to go over and do it ourselves. Though god forbid they create some over here.

AN EARLY FALL

1. Batman: Dark Knight/WB Wknd/$ 26.0 Total/$ 441.5
2. Pineapple Express/Sony Wknd/$ 22.4 Total/$ 40.5
3. The Mummy 3/Universal Wknd/$ 16.1 Total/$ 70.7
4. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 Wknd/$ 10.8 Total/$ 19.7
5. Step Brothers/Sony Wknd/$ 8.9 Total/$ 80.9
6. Mamma Mia/Universal Wknd/$ 8.0 Total/$ 104.0
7. Journey To The Center… Wknd/$ 4.9 Total/$ 81.8
8. Hancock/Sony Wknd/$ 3.3 Total/$ 221.7
9. Swing Vote/Touchstone Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 12.0
10. Wall-E/Disney Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 210.1

BATMAN WILL NEVER ASK ABOUT THE FAREWELL DRUGS
Batman: The Dark Knight holds at number one for the fourth week in a row and how grateful is Gary Oldman for the role of Jim Gordon to give him steady work not in the villain ghetto? It was 22 years ago (yes, YOU ARE OLD) he instantly became the “Hot Young Actor” with his portrayal of Sid Vicious in Sid & Nancy and quickly became the heir to Dennis Hopper as the “Bad Guy of Weight.” Like, Dennis Hopper and Alan Rickman, if you wanted an actor who would instantly give your bad guy some weight, Gary Oldman became the guy to call. From Lee Harvey Oswald to Dr. Smith to Pontus Pilate to Dracula himself he faced off against everyone from Keanu Reeves to Bruce Willis to…Jesus (well, Jeremy Sisto as Jesus). He joked he was one of the “pale gangly Englishmen” at the time, which included Tim Roth, another “Bad Guy of Weight” with whom he’s often mistaken and appropriately made the film version of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead (they were even originally cast in the other’s role). Roth was the bad guy in The Incredible Hulk, so he didn’t make out as well as Oldman, but then again, he never acquired the brief leading man status Oldman did (though he did score by becoming one of Quentin Tarantino’s favorite players). My favorite Gary Oldman role is actually a very small one in the incredibly underrated Basquiat. It was directed by artist Julian Schnabel and Oldman plays a fictional version of him. It also stars Geoffrey Wright, Benicio Del Toro, William Dafoe, Dennis Hopper and killing both their roles, Michael Wincott as Basquiat’s agent and David Bowie as Andy Warhol.

FULLY BAKED
Pineapple Express opens at number two and it was a mistake on my part to see this because it’s just another stoner comedy. I didn’t think the Cheech & Chong movies were funny. I didn’t think Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle was funny, but as an exception to the rule, I did think Half-Baked was (but that had David Chapelle). I thought this might be a little something more, but it’s not. It’s just about two stoned dudes thrown into an unusual situation, in this case a war between drug gangs. It even starts off on a higher level, showing us top-secret military weed tests in the 30’s. Now, why would there be a top-secret military weed test? No reason, and that’s the over-the-top type irreverent absurdity this movie desperately needed. It makes me realize just how poorer the world is without Monty Python and unfortunately the guys from Broken Lizard apparently only having one good movie in them (Super Troopers). And I’ve had enough of Seth Rogen’s ass to last me a fucking lifetime. Enough already of both him and the entire Apatow clan. It’s really sad these guys have apparently taken up the mantle of the Ben Stiller/Vince Vaughn/Wilson Brothers comedy franchise because they aren’t nearly as funny. I’d sooner see Dodgeball or Zoolander before any Apatow movie. And I don’t know what to make of the increasing amount of homoeroticism in each movie that reaches a new peak here with not just the protagonists regularly expressing love and affection towards one another but the antagonists as well. Their deliberate jokes are nothing compared to the unintentional ones. But I am glad to see James Franco finally come to the forefront. Enough with the ugly, awkward dudes! We get it! And I notice you ugly, fat fuckers lack the empathy to allow for less-than-physically perfect women to succeed. Though even here, they don’t give Franco the hot girl. Instead, it’s part of the joke that Rogen is dating a hot high school senior. I’m sure in reality she relished her one scene with Franco.

SOME OF US MISS THE 90’S MORE THAN OTHERS
The Mummy: Curse of The Dragon Emperor is down to number three and also in this is none other than former pretty boy Russell Wong (remember Rising Son?), reuniting with Jet Li (they were in Romeo Must Die together) and again playing a friend who turns on him. This time it’s over Michelle Yeoh and for five whole seconds you get two Asians actually making out in a Hollywood film. Then it’s back to business as usual as Michelle Yeoh’s daughter by Russell Wong falls for Brendan Fraser’s dull as dirt son. What’s worse is that the actor himself is Australian, so a decent English accent shouldn’t have been beyond him, but we’re supposed to accept that a child raised in England, who had an English accent the last time we saw him, would now have an American accent. That will never stop being stupid. Oh, and he’s supposed to be a quarter Egyptian, something the hack writers clearly and lame casting director clearly overlooked when casting one of the WASPiest bastards on god’s green earth.

WHAT’S THE GUY VERSION ‘CAUSE DUDES DON’T SHARE CLOTHES
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 opens at number four or as I like to call it “Very Little Sex & A Few Cities” as this is the junior version of four close female friends and no review can discuss it without mentioning Sex & The City. I remember when the original came out a few years ago and the two unknowns were America Ferrara and the tall, blonde who made me feel like a dirty old man. Now they’re better known as Ugly Betty and Serena on Gossip Girl. For reasons known only to their agents, neither Alexis Bledel nor Amber Tamblyn really moved beyond their TV success. I didn’t see the first and I probably won’t see this one either. Sorry, but my estrogen count is high enough. I was probably the only dude in the audience for Centerstage and Stick It not on an FBI sex offender watch list, so I think I can be allowed to let this one slide.

THIS MAY MEAN A COMEDY TROJAN WAR
Step Brothers is down to number five and while Will Ferrell was part of the Stiller/Wilson Brothers/Vaughn comedy group, he was obviously co-opted by the Apatow clan, as this is from them and none other than Seth Rogen makes an appearance here, placing him in the top ten twice this week.

ELSEWHERE
Mamma Mia is down to number six, followed by Journey To The Center of The Earth at number seven and Hancock at number eight.

THANK HEAVEN FOR SMALL FAVORS
Swing Vote is down to number nine and Dennis Hopper is complaining about his role being cut out of this when what he should be doing is thanking someone. Maybe even sending a fruit basket. This isn’t Dark Knight or Iron Man you missed out on. It’s another self-aggrandizing Kevin Costner movie. You got paid and get none of the blame. Count your blessings.

MON-E
Finally, Wall-E closes out the top ten at number ten and here’s some odd news: Wall-E is not that successful. Its budget was $180M and it has only made $213 worldwide. That’s not good, people. The Incredibles cost $92M and made $632M. Finding Nemo cost $94 and made $865M. Ratatouille cost $150M and made $621. Even the disappointing (in my opinion) Cars made $462M from its $120M. So what went wrong with Wall-E? I’m going to stick with my judgment that you need a bad guy. Finding Nemo showed it doesn’t have to be a serious villain, but you need someone to overcome and struggle against and Wall-E lacks that. And while all Pixar films have “life lessons” it’s something else to be beaten over the head with them and Wall-E doesn’t spare the rod when letting you know that you’re a fat slob and destroying the world. Let me put it this way: I couldn’t wait to see The Incredibles again. I couldn’t wait to see Finding Nemo again. And even though it will join the DVD library, I’m not itching to see Wall-E tomorrow which is telling considering I’m a geek and it’s a science fiction movie about robots in the future in space.

IT’S FULL BODIED, JIM
The summer is winding down and it’s time to get back into a more substantial movie mode and for me began with my first indie film in fucking forever: Bottle Shock (the term refers to the damage done to a wine in travel). This is one of two films this year about the entry of California into the world wine market in the 70’s. It makes sense as when fall comes, I’ll put the tequila away and go back to drinking pressed, fermented grapes. While technically an indie film, this is a generic and clichéd as anything out of Hollywood. In fact, if it had a female protagonist it would qualify as a Lifetime movie. See, an indie film has to go somewhere a mainstream film would not either in subject matter or execution and neither is present here, so it’s a waste of a an attractive cast in a nice location with a romantic and delicious subject matter. The story takes place in the late 70’s but beyond a few fashion choices, one period song (I guess it’s all they could afford) and one really bad wig, you’d never know. Unfortunately, that bad wig belongs to what is ostensibly the main character: Captain Kirk. See, Chris Pine is going to play Captain Kirk in the new Star Trek movie and how I entertained myself when the movie disappointed me was telling myself that’s Captain Kirk up there in horrible bad wig. I’m sorry, but he couldn’t grow his hair why? And I simply was not buying him as a surf bum son of vineyard owner born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Bill Pullman as the vineyard owner is written in a horribly schizophrenic matter, given to bellowing most of the time. The movie seemingly starts off with Alan Rickman as the Englishman who organizes the tasting and comes to America to gather California wines, but then switches over to the Americans and that’s a mistake, because his story was equally as interesting and funnier with Dennis Farina as his wine-loving, expatriate sidekick. A real indie film would have gone with the less romantic character, while this one switches to the handsome young American and then fails to adequately tell his story. Even Bill Pullman’s story as the real estate lawyer who gives it all up to start a vineyard while his former partner marries his wife would have been better (and I’ve told you in one line what the movie needlessly obscures). But it does succeed in one important area where far too many movies about food and wine fail: it makes you want to drink some wine. And there’s no shortage of romanticizing it or that of the life of a vineyard owner, which are both very important. Unfortunately, this cannot overcome miscasting, a weak script and one of the most annoying musical scores in recent memory. Every other scene of forced drama is accompanied by piano so maudlin, you crave a drink just to get through it.

‘CAUSE FALL IS THE NEXT SEASON AND I FELL DOWN. GET IT?
Fall came early for me this year when I had my very first spill on my bike. I misjudged my entry from the street to the sidewalk and the next thing I know the ground came up to hit me and there was a growing pool of blood in my hand. What’s funny is that I fell so hard the earphones I was wearing shattered on the sidewalk, but I don’t have any head injuries. The irony is, I was only riding on a Wednesday night because of a previous injury, having hyper-extended my elbow. I couldn’t fully extend my arm or even lift a pair of shoes without it hurting, but oddly it didn’t bother me to ride my bike---unless I hit a bump with my arm locked. Then I wept like a child. The fall also bruised my right hip to the point were I couldn’t cross my legs and left a large swelling on my left leg. Combine those with my arm and the cuts on my hand I was feeling a little Indiana Jones-ish. It was more a question of where didn’t it hurt. Nonetheless I returned to kung-fu on Friday with a bandaged hand and an elastic brace on my elbow and on Saturday I took another trip up the West Side to the George Washington Bridge and this time I rode across it to New Jersey and into Fort Lee Park---this time with a camera. I’m not a fan of heights and I’m even less of a fan when there aren’t adequate measures stop you from falling, and the GW Bridge could use a little work. See, the guard rails are only chest high on both sides and if you’re on a bike your accidental choice of dooms are falling into traffic or over into the Hudson. Not helping are the vibrations you feel from the bridge traffic and the bike path being narrow to begin with and shared with pedestrians. It was fun to do once, but next week I think we’re going back to Brooklyn. Time to try the Williamsburg Bridge.

NOW I HAVE TO GET THAT DAMN CAPTAIN AMERICA BIKING JERSEY
On my way back home from the GW Bridge I stopped for a Dominican woman and her son who seemed to need help on the bike bath just off 131st street. I thought it might be a time or direction thing, but as it turned some kid had taken her son’s bike and she obviously couldn’t catch up to them on foot. Before giving it any real thought I went off after them, only realizing later that I might have just signed up to be that poor slob in the opening of Law & Order who winds up dead. It just looks like I was innocently shot to death by a 14-year-old bike thief but was actually set up by my boss/wife/husband-of-woman-I’m-sleeping-with because they knew that not being a real New Yorker I wouldn’t just blow the woman off like the other bikers. For a moment it looked like I wasn’t going to catch them, but as the bike path ends for a detour onto the streets, the kids stopped to switch bikes. “Hey! Where’d you get that bike!?!” I yelled and kid now mounting the bike quickly pointed to his buddy, the original rider, saying, “He took it!” I think it’s safe to say his future in crime will be very limited. I yelled at him to get off the bike and the two of them took off, the confessor on foot. Two valets from the nearby Chinese restaurant (believe it or not, there are some fairly upscale restaurants nearby) came over laughing asking about it, which was a relief because there was also the chance I’d be seen as a bike thief myself leading to another untimely demise by cop and like all my death fantasies my biggest concern continues to be the people going through my room and marveling how the comic books and action figures out-number the porn. I walked the bike back to the mother and her son realizing that whenever I actually do a good deed, I’m never wearing one of my thirty-something superhero t-shirts. I am, however, often wearing them while drinking. I’m not quite sure what that means. Of course afterwards my bleeding heart liberalism kicked in and I felt some amount of pity for the little thief. I mean, shouldn’t every kid have a bike to ride around on during the summer? Especially when your best friend does? I feel the same way about the four Spanish kids I’ve seen both weekends; three are on bikes and one is standing. Even more so now you realize he’s simply enduring his position. Now, this in no way justifies taking someone else’s bike and in fact makes it worse considering you just assigned someone else your position in life of wanting but not having. But he was still just a kid and a kid should have a bike in the summer.

SADLY, NO MEDALS FOR 100-YARD DASH TO CORNER STORE FOR CHEETOS
Okay, there’s Black guy swimming in the Olympics for the US? What’s funny is that in his little promo piece where he talks about almost drowning as a kid is that like all clichés there’s a kernel of truth to the myth that Black people can’t swim. He flat out says that African-Americans are much more likely to drown than other Americans which is why he’s using his success to build swimming programs. Note it’s African-Americans, because if you’re waiting on someone from The Caribbean to drown, you might want to get a book and make yourself comfortable, because drunk, stoned and with a shark on their legs, those muthafuckas are not going down. In other words, if you hear that Chris Brown has drowned, rest assured Rhianna is fine. And watching the Olympics just leaves me in awe, because more so than regular sports, these people have trained for at least a decade to compete at this one event. Everything else is just a warm-up. Their training is like a full time job for which they don’t get paid and they do it because they want to be the absolute best in the world at something. Needless to say it’s a mentality I cannot wrap my head around as a hangnail tends to keep me from doing something, my new bike love not withstanding. And they’re not just doing it better than anyone else in the world. Sometimes it’s better than anyone has ever done it in history. Watching the swimming competition is to see world records fall in just the speed trials before people whose bodies look like they were carved out of stone. And it’s both funny and sad listening to the commenters praise the Chinese gymnasts and bemoan how the Eastern Bloc nations aren’t the best any longer. Yeah, it’s called fucking freedom, you douchebags! I mean aside from the fact the Chinese are obviously cheating with underage girls, when someone from the secret police is going to take your parents off to a labor camp if you don’t win, you tend to hit all your marks.

I AIN’T SCARED OF DEATH, MUTHAFUCKA
Okay, what is going on with Death and the bruthas!?! Is there some government quota that needs to be met in the afterlife!?! First, Bernie Mac dies from complications due to pneumonia and I’ll echo everyone else alive and point out that Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia are perfectly healthy while George Carlin and Bernie Mac are dead. On the upside, this will hopefully put an end to any chance of an Ocean’s 14. Not to mention his funeral will be one first class Hollywood event if all his co-stars show up. First of all, if you’re Black, he probably worked with you. From Eddie Murphy to Ice Cube to Halle Berry, he worked with you. And between Charlie’s Angels and the Ocean’s movies he worked with everyone else. Then a true giant is lost in Isaac Hayes. For better or worse, he’s best known now for his time as Chef on South Park, but this is writer of the best badass theme song ever: Shaft. He was also part of the golden age of Stax records and if you don’t know what that means you need to get your commie ass out of my country because obviously the taste of Hot Buttered Soul is unknown to you. He apparently died running on his treadmill, which is yet another argument to sit on your ass. But get this: Isaac Hayes and Bernie Mac were in a movie together that’s coming out this fall. Also in it? Samuel L. Jackson, who seriously needs to watch himself in the coming months. Take whatever good luck charm Morgan Freeman is carrying around since death obviously tried to snatch his ass too.

A RAT WITH A DIAMOND
While it sickens me that Brett Farve is playing in New Jersey, it does mean that Jets games will now be worth watching.

BACON ON MARS!

1. Batman: Dark Knight/WB Wknd/$ 43.8 Total/$ 394.9
2. The Mummy 3/Universal Wknd/$ 42.5 Total/$ 42.5
3. Step Brothers/Sony Wknd/$ 16.3 Total/$ 63.0
4. Mamma Mia/Universal Wknd/$ 13.1 Total/$ 88.0
5. Journey To The Center… Wknd/$ 6.9 Total/$ 73.1
6. Swing Vote/Touchstone Wknd/$ 6.3 Total/$ 6.3
7. Hancock/Sony Wknd/$ 5.2 Total/$ 216.0
8. Wall-E/Disney Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 204.2
9. The X-Files: I Want To Believe Wknd/$ 3.4 Total/$ 17.1
10. Space Chimps/Fox Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 22.1

YOU’LL NOTICE NICOLE KIDMAN GOT HER OSCAR AFTER THE DIVORCE
Hanging onto the top spot for the third week in a row is The Dark Knight and if you’re Katie Holmes, how much are you kicking yourself right now? Even moreso, how much are you kicking the middle-aged munchkin you married to advance your career only to see a career effort you made before him come to fruition on a level that’s going into the record books and maybe Oscar night? Apparently she missed that the majority of Nicole Kidman movies tanked. But while we all love Maggie Gyllenhaal to pieces (she’s a real New Yorker, born on the Lower East Side) she doesn’t have as much to do in this film as Katie Holmes did in Batman Begins and in fact she may actually have less. In Batman Begins, as Assistant DA she has the bad guys coming after her because she’s a threat to them. Here, The Joker only goes after Maggie Gyllenhaal to mess with Batman and Harvey Dent. And let’s not kid ourselves, even with her partial stroke victim face, Katie Holmes is still prettier than Maggie Gyllenhaal and this was pretty much a pretty girl role and a bit of a waste of Maggie’s talents. Christopher Nolan gave her nothing really to do but worry about the men who fight battles and be a victim who needs to be saved. So basically it’s like every other action picture out there in that respect. Told you it wasn’t perfect. And don’t get me started on Robin again…

KNOW WHAT ELSE IS IN THAT TOMB? YOUR CAREERS.
Narrowly missing the number one slot is The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor and this should have been all kinds of kick ass. I’ve enjoyed the Raiders of the Lost Ark-lite nature of The Mummy movies over the years and the thought of a new one with not just an Asian slant but with Jet Li and Michele Yeoh actually made me anticipate this. Needless to say, I was horribly disappointed. This will not go on my DVD shelf next to the other two and will join the ignominious history of lame second sequels. First of all, not only die Rachel Weisz pass on this, but director Stephen Sommers as well (though he is credited as a producer). You quickly realize he was the driving force behind the films, as he also wrote as well as directed. His replacement? Rob Cohen. The man behind The Fast & The Furious, XXX and Stealth. Yeah, that guy. The writing is even worse as it’s two hacks from Smallville. They piss poor imitations of all that you’ve seen before all the way down to Brendan Fraser running into an old buddy who can fly a plane for them. And it’s incompetent on every level. It’s supposed to 1946 and now their young son is fully grown, but not only is he no strangely longer blonde or possessing an English accent, but they can’t be bothered to try and age Brendan Fraser and Maria Bello a bit. Let me put it this way: Michele Yeoh is here as an immortal guardian and she has gray hair and they don’t! That’s how incompetent these people are. I love Maria Bello something awful, but accents are not her thing and whomever her dialect coach was, they’d be wise to keep this one off their resume. As the bad guy Jet Li brings enough presence to show why he’s a star, but also shows why he never really made it in Hollywood because he keeps picking crap like this. How sad is it that Romeo Must Die, his first Hollywood leading role is still better than most everything that followed? And it wasn’t that good! Basically, everyone is just here getting a paycheck. There’s not one moment of genuine inspiration on anyone’s part or enthusiasm from outside. You know how when a sequel comes out, they start running the originals on TV? When Indiana Jones came out, all the other movies were running nonstop on TV. When Batman came out they ran every single Batman film but the one with Adam West (a big mistake if you ask me, ‘cause it’s awesome). Even when The Incredible Hulk and Hellboy came out they ran the first films. Neither of the previous Mummy films much less The Scorpion King (which a bit of a prequel to the second) were anywhere to be seen this weekend. Bad sign.

SOPHIE’S CHOICE IS NOW BIG BILLS OR SMALL
Step Brothers is down to number three, followed by Mama Mia at number four and between this and Sex & The City women have showed a little muscle this summer regarding films that your average dude wouldn’t be caught dead attending. At the rate this is going, we’re coming up on $100M for a freaking musical, which never happens. But it warms my heart to see Meryl Streep raking in dough at this stage of her career. Oh, and while I was joking apparently Lindsay Lohan is plenty pissed over the success of this with her former co-stars as she couldn’t even get an audition for it. If it makes you feel any better, I sincerely doubt Meryl Streep is going to make a movie with Lacey Chabert any time soon.

MAY YOU ENCINO MAN LOVERS BURN IN HELL
Journey To The Center of the Earth is defying all expectations by actually holding at number five. Who are you Brendan Fraser fans and could you please explain his goofy-ass appeal to me!?! Okay, I enjoy Blast From The Past on cable when it comes on, but it derailed his career as much as it did Alicia Silverstone’s. The failure of Bedazzled didn’t help and the coffin was nailed shut with Monkeybone (which was destroyed by Chris Columbus who didn’t understand the director’s vision). Yeah, he was in Crash, but that helped whose career exactly? That movie is going to go down in Oscar history alongside Roberto Benigni winning Best Actor as a “What The Fuck Were We Thinking?” moment. And no, he’s not going to be in the GI Joe movie as Gung Ho as rumored. That means dick to me, but somewhere a geek just got a woody and potentially wet his pants.

THE LAST OF THE SWING SHIFT, SWING KIDS TRILOGY
Swing Vote opens at number six and given what a douchebag Kevin Costner is, let’s all enjoy that he paid for this with his own money. I was tempted to see this Capra-esque fantasy until I found out the running time is two freaking hours. This concept cannot stand up to two hours of scrutiny. It just can’t. A running time that long for an idea that slight means that it tries to probably legitimize itself with some needless drama and ultimately some tears. Again, anyone going to see a comedy about both parties having to kiss the ass of some dude who doesn’t care doesn’t want drama. And shouldn’t this becoming out in the fall anyway? Who the fuck wants to see an election comedy in the summer? Not that anyone really wants to see any sort of political comedy at all. Sadly, this might push him to make that Bodyguard sequel he keeps talking about.

WITHOUT SPIELBERG THERE’D NO HOME ALONE OR RUSH HOUR. ‘NUFF SAID.
Hancock is down to number seven and this was directed by Peter Berg who just stinks of a douche who imagines himself much more talented than he really is. Little does he know someone with genuine talent doesn’t rely on the camera tricks and stunts he never stops pulling. Actors-turned-directors tend to go in one of two ways. There’s the “Never Touch The Camera” sparse style, which is owned by Clint Eastwood, and then there’s the “Never Leave The Camera Alone” style epitomized by people like Peter Berg. It indicates a distinct lack of respect in the writing and sad need to let the public know the director is the real “author” of the film. What puzzles me is that none other than Michael Mann likes his ass and not only produced The Kingdom from last year, but also makes a cameo here in this film. Like Spielberg, he’s got shitty tastes in disciples.

AND THE SAME TALENTLESS FUCKER WROTE CRASH TOO!
Wall-E is down to number eight and any talk of this being nominated for a real Oscar because of a lack of contenders so far this year is both sad and premature. Also, it’s good, but it ain’t that good (it lacks a genuine bad guy other than human foibles). I’m gonna say it until I die: The Incredibles was the best film of 2004, period. Clint Eastwood and Million Dollar Baby can kiss my ass.

HOW CAN YOU BE FAMOUS AS A RAPPER WITHOUT A SUCCESSFUL RAP CAREER?
The X-Files: I Want To Believe is down to number nine and yes that is X-Zibit as the FBI Agent. Apparently pimping cars is done with. Too bad. That was actually a very entertaining show (I’m still in love with the yoga instructor they had on it once). But god knows this movie could have used a little “pimpin’ out.” May they’ll finally wrap up the alien invasion storyline in a made-for-DVD movie. It’s the fate they deserve for crapping all over their audience with this.

RULE #1: MONKEY FUNNY. RULE #2 PIGS ARE ALMOST AS FUNNY AS MONKEYS.
Finally Space Chimps closes out the top ten at number ten. And you know what really hurts about this? It dampens any chance of any other animals in space movies, specifically, that Pigs In Space Movie I’ve been waiting for all my life. Muppets In Space was just a cruel tease.

YES, I WILL GUSH AGAIN
So, my love affair with my bike continues as I slow start to pimp it a bit with new grips, a gel seat cushion (ah, my groin) and a water bottle and holder. I even installed hooks so I can hang it up like every other apartment dweller. Though in retrospect I shouldn’t have done that while drinking. Power tools and tequila don’t always end well. Still, I can’t get myself to cough up $75 for that Captain America jersey. My geek is weak today. Oddly enough, my friend Crazy Personal Trainer (crazy because she’s in great shape but still thinks she needs to lose weight and actually recently gave up sugar itself) tells me the reason I’m not necessarily getting any thinner despite doing something active six out of seven days a week is because I’m possibly not eating enough and because I’m doing too much. Can you believe that shit!?! You know what it takes for me not to lay on my ass and just eat for pleasure? I’m supposed to rest for two days and normally this would be easy, but when the weather is nice it now kills me not to get on my bike. I thought I’d get help from weather to stay in, but it rained only briefly on Saturday and by the late afternoon, the sun was out and drying the road. I couldn’t resist. I hopped on my bike and rode uptown, this time all the way to the George Washington Bridge (yes, I saw the Little Red Lighthouse). The view going up the west side is arguably better than the view going down to Battery Park, because while there’s no Statue of Liberty to be seen, there are also fewer and fewer buildings as you go up and by the time you hit the GWB there’s nothing on the Jersey side of the river to be seen but trees. It’s gorgeous. And I finally found out where the houseboat sits where Mickey Rourke took Kim Basinger in 9 ½ Weeks! I’m sure it’s not a surprise that once you pass 100th street the bicycle path isn’t nearly as smooth as it was before, because you know, the black and brown they don’t bike unless they’re delivering something so why should the city care? And you know how in every movie where they show people out jogging and rollerblading, it’s always these insanely perfect people, so you know it’s just a movie and those are just actors and models? You wish, because if I see one more guy with a perfect jawline and six pack abs jogging along with his shirt off mocking me with his manly perfection, I’m gonna hit him with my bike. And is there some rule that says “hot girls must rollerblade?” Yes, there are attractive women running and riding bikes, but the hottest are inevitably on rollerblades, which gives more substantive weight to Heather Graham’s role in Boogie Nights than I ever, thought possible.

ARE YOU READY FOR REAL SPORTS AGAIN!?!
You know what was on TV this weekend, right? Football. Pre. Season. Football. I’m sad because it means the summer is almost over, but this is the silver lining to that cloud.

JESSIE’S GIRL PROBABLY HAS A GRANDDAUGHTER NOW
Not that anyone will hear it, much less care to buy it, but Rick Springfield has a new album out (where he nakedly begs for a Victoria's Secret commercial). Why am I telling you this? BECAUSE HE’S ABOUT TO TURN SIXTY, THAT’S WHY! YOU ARE OLD!!!