IT'S BETTER TO BE AWFUL THAN UGLY

1. G-Force/Disney Wknd/$ 32.2 Total/$ 32.2
2. Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince Wknd/$ 30.0 Total/$ 221.8
3. The Ugly Truth/Sony Wknd/$ 27.0 Total/$ 27.0
4. Orphan/Warner Wknd/$ 12.8 Total/$ 12.8
5. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs/Fox Wknd/$ 8.2 Total/$ 171.3
6. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Wknd/$ 8.0 Total/$ 379.1
7. The Hangover/Warner Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 247.1
8. The Proposal/Touchstone Wknd/$ 6.4 Total/$ 140.1
9. Public Enemies/Universal Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 88.1
10. Bruno/Universal Wknd/$ 2.7 Total/$ 56.5

TINY, JASON, MARK AND PRINCESS AREN’T IN THIS
G-Force opens at number one demonstrating the short attention span of kids…or proving that talking animals beats everything. Because I’m a geek, when I saw “G-Force” my mind immediately jumped to the cartoon Battle of the Planets, which was the American adaptation of Gatchaman from Japan. On the show they were called “G-Force” and for American audiences they added an R2D2 clone called 7-Zark-7. The show was great, but the dumbed down portion was horribly bad.

WHAT KIND OF KOOL-AID DO THEY HAVE AT HOGWARTS?
Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince drops to number two and every day I expect a news report about a mass suicide where everyone was found wearing stupid wizard hats. Yes, you’re all part of a cult.

STICK WITH THE AWFUL TRUTH
The Ugly Truth opens at number three and could this look worse? I mean, seriously, how could this ever have been a good idea for anyone involved? I’m a romantic comedy whore and I love Katherine Heigl, but even I couldn’t see giving up one moment of my life for this. In the 21st Century are we really still doing a story this lame and clichéd with the uptight woman and the piggish man with no hint of subtlety or shading? Seriously? And he’s going to teach her how to get a man? As if this was ever an issue for a pretty, large-breasted blonde in the history of all humanity? More like how to keep the legions of dogs away. Someone should remind Gerard Butler that 300 was two years ago and since then he’s made shit like P.S. I Love You, making him a prime candidate for “Signs You’re In A Bad Romantic Comedy: either Matthew McConughey, Kate Hudson or Jennifer Garner is there.” And it’s not like he had the most sterling resume beforehand. You were the best friend of Christian Bale in Reign of Fire and you died and the ex-boyfriend of Angelina Jolie in Lara Croft 2 and you died. Christian Bale is now Batman and the first ex-boyfriend of Lara Croft was Daniel Craig and is now James Bond. Clearly they’re choosing roles better than you are. Lucky for Katherine Heigl, she still has her day job, though it’s anyone’s guess how much she really wants it. She’s still got more successful starring movies than she does failures, but unless she learns to choose her scripts better she won’t for long.

SPOILER OR THE MOST ENTICING PIECE OF INFORMATION EVER?
Orphan opens at number four and while I haven’t seen this, it may just be the greatest movie ever made. Why? Because of the alleged “twist” that’s not so difficult to guess. Okay, you’ve been warned so here it comes: SHE’S A 30-SOMETHING DWARF HOOKER WHO IS PRETENDING TO BE A CHILD!!! Is that not the most amazing shit you’ve ever heard!?! I want to see it now solely because of this, but I can’t because it can never live up to the hilarity of such a premise. I want to see scenes where they find pictures of her at Lollapalooza or with the “Rachel” haircut or have her break down screaming how the death of the lead singer of Blind Melon pushed her over the edge because she used to follow them around on tour, upon which she then starts dancing around in the bee girl outfit to “No Rain.” This may be the first instant camp classic in a very long time.

IT MAY NOT EVEN BE ABOUT GIANT ROBOTS
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs is down to number five, followed by Transformers Revenge of the Fallen at number six and remember how Josh Duhmael’s character was given a touch of depth by having him longing to see his baby daughter for the first time? Well, that’s all gone this time around. In fact, he might as well be a totally new character given how little attention they pay to either him of any of the other soldiers involved. Megan Fox said that Transformers movies were not about acting and she wasn’t wrong, but she left out they’re not about writing either. Or directing for that matter. Or…

HITCHCOCK WOULD ODDLY UNDERSTAND
The Hangover is down to number seven and remember the creepy guy in Road Trip who goes after Jamie King’s toes? Or the creepy guy in Old School who shows up at Luke Wilson’s house for the gang bang? Well that’s the director and he shows up again here as a creepy guy who’s about to have sex in a elevator. Oh, and remember the cursing wedding band from Old School? We’ll they’re here as well, because, after all it’s about a bachelor party, so it serves there’s a wedding. What would have truly been funny would be to have them show up in every wedding movie. Rachel Getting Married, Margot At The Wedding, god knows Bridal Wars needed something.

THE PART WHERE I ALIENATE EVERY WOMAN I KNOW...AND POSSIBLY SOME 50-YEAR-OLD DUDES
The Proposal is down to number seven and this has been so successful ($40M budget, $162M worldwide gross) that Sandra Bullock has jokingly said she’s going to be naked in every movie from now on. She looks good, but you know that’s not the body of anyone even close to 20. Yeah, I said it. She said she worked out hard for it, but a few more reps wouldn’t have hurt. Look at her co-star. Ryan’s ripped. But what’s this bullshit of not doing nude scenes when you’re in your 20’s and your body is perfect but doing them in your 40’s after a coupla kids and gravity’s come calling!?! First Meg Ryan and now her. How does that make sense? I blame Harvey Keitel putting his bloated 50-something ass out there for the world to see and taking away all sense of shame. I don’t pay to see the realties of time and age. This isn’t foreign or indie film. I pay for perfection and illusion (not that the digital brush isn’t as obviously at play here making her sometimes look like a piece of CGI)! This is why I always advise doing your nudes young. Not that I did. And even if I did it was pre-digital. In fact I think it was an etching, so there’s no way you can see it.

SKINNY, PALE, PASSABLY ATTRACTIVE BLONDES ALL LOOK THE SAME TO ME
Public Enemies is down to number nine and I made a mistake last week confusing Chloe Sevigny with LeeLee Sobieski, who is actually the actress in the film, but it just means I was dead on in her probably doing this to be remembered for other films, because the brief moment of heat this girl---who looks like she was made out of some leftover Helen Hunt DNA from the set of Mad About You---had was scary in its brevity. Remember when it was somewhat scandalous when she was the Lolita-esque girl who tempts Tom Cruise in Eyes Wide Shut? Let me put it this way: she was in Joyride with Paul “Pretty Boy” Walker and Steve Zahn and was Joan of Arc on TV at the same time Mila Jovovich was Joan of Arc at the movies. We know what happened to Paul Walker and next week Steve Zahn and Mila Jovovich are starring in a movie together. Maybe she, Chris Klein and Josh Harnett were all cursed together in Here On Earth?

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS FINALLY OVER
Finally Bruno closes out the top ten at number ten, now will it please just go away!?!

MANY THINGS I HATE ABOUT GOOD TV
I really, really, really, really wanted to hate the TV version of 10 Things I Hate About you, not the least of which is my love of movie, which is a teen adaptation of Taming of the Shrew. Shakespeare as a weekly show? This is madness, but there is method in it. The show is actually smart and funny and is a pain because the last thing I needed was something else to fill up my DVR. Because it has the advantage of time, it gets to take its time with the story, not to mention develop the supporting cast more, not that they didn’t in the movie. Cat and Patrick are still flirt/fighting and Cameron pines away for an oblivious Bianca. All that’s missing are the many background jokes that were constantly going on. But they have a heavyset Asian girl clearly in love with Cat, so I guess they’re making this an antidote to the “Teen Christian Morality Hour” better known as The Secret Life of the American Teenager.

DAISY OF CONTINUING BAD DECISIONS
London? Are you fucking kidding me!?! He got passed out drunk the first night! He ran out supposedly when he was feeling too much! And worst of all, he’s a fucking musician still trying to make it with his band at 30. Do you really think this is going to change!?! A wise woman once said people show you how they’re going to fuck up the first time you meet them. It’s your fault if you choose to ignore it. Guess what she’s doing? Somewhere down the road she’s going to be upset that a) he’s never around because he’s trying to make it, b) gets pass out drunk too much or c) runs away emotionally. Gee, it’s not like there were any warning signs or anything. Well, on the upside, this pretty much guarantees Daisy of Love 2. In fact I wonder if the producers begged her to pick him for just that reason. And um, whatever happened to her single? You know, the one that debuted on the first episode? Have we heard that again? Didn’t think so.

VIDEO GAME OF DEATH
Having lifted the embargo on buying DVD’s I continue to pick up things I missed on eEbay. Never paying more than $10---which includes shipping---so I’m actually never paying more than $5-6. I finally picked up The Dark Knight and believe it or not I haven’t seen it since that first time in the theater last year. I also picked up the extended cut of Sex & the City and the annoying fashion aspect aside, the dramatic bits hold up quite well. I also found the old 60’s Superman animated series from the 60’s for $5 in a store. Well, it was a “2 for $10” and my second film was my guiltiest of all pleasures: DOA: Dead or Alive. No, not the classic film noir, but the cheesy videogame adaptation. It may be one of the best because a) it was directed by HK action auteur, Cory Yuen, b) never takes itself seriously and c) when choosing hot girls to fight in as little as possible (two blondes in bikinis fighting in the rain in slow motion and no, I’m not kidding), they actually chose some with some athletic skill. While they’re clearly not martial artists, it’s pretty clear every girl has a background in something, probably dance (and a quick IMDB search shows ballet all over the place). The entire cast combined probably doesn’t amount to 8% bodyfat. But because I’m me, the Superman series went into the DVD player first. Oh, the memories. Remember when Filmation ruled Saturday mornings? Not to mention your heart?

ISN’T THERE SOMETHING ZEN ABOUT INACTIVITY AND ROUND BELLIES I CAN LATCH ONTO?
So this triathlon I’m not doing has entered the realm of seriously not doing. Yes, I can now pull off running three miles without stopping, but the cost is ridiculous. After five straight days of running, swimming and biking, I’m a sore mess by the weekend. I cannot imagine doing all that in just a few hours. Especially doing anything after running. I’m just a heaving, sweaty mess after a run. At one point I felt almost shamed into attempting this after having dinner with The French Woman and two of her friends. Of course they’re from crunchy, healthy San Francisco and when I mentioned it was a sprint triathlon, both women of course had done it. Of course. What else to they do out there but try to shame the rest of an obese, sedentary nation, with their acceptance of homosexuality and organic foods? The ultimate irony being, Star Trek Woman, who’s always trying to get me into crazy things like this (over the last two weeks there have been suggestions for a city-wide scavenger hunt and The Annual Underwear Run which was before the official NYC Triathlon this weekend, whose set up screwed up my Saturday ride) has a hurt ankle and it still learning to swim. So she’s pushing for something she may not even do. I’ve got one bad influence in my life (and that fucker’s biking 14 miles every morning). I don’t need another. Where my fat, lazy doughnut eatin’ friends at!?! Holla atcha boy!

I’VE HEARD IT SIZZLES
It’s old, but it’s new to me. Trance Groove’s “Paris.” Listening to it makes me want to break out my passport and finally take that trip I had planned when my passport arrived on September 10, 2001.

13,000 DAYS OF JENNIFER

1. Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince Wknd/$ 79.5 Total/$ 159.7
2. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs/Fox Wknd/$ 17.7 Total/$ 152.0
3. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Wknd/$ 13.8 Total/$ 363.9
4. Bruno/Universal Wknd/$ 8.4 Total/$ 49.6
5. The Hangover/Warner Wknd/$ 8.3 Total/$ 235.9
6. The Proposal/Touchstone Wknd/$ 8.3 Total/$ 128.1
7. Public Enemies/Universal Wknd/$ 7.6 Total/$ 79.5
8. Up/Disney Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 279.6
9. My Sister’s Keeper/Warner Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 41.5
10. I Love You Beth Cooper/Fox Wknd/$ 2.7 Total/$ 10.3

ANGRYGEEK AND THE CONTINUING REJECTION OF BOY WIZARDS
Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince opens at number one and I am not a part of this cult nor will I ever be until the presence of children in my life forces me to. In other words: never.

MUDBONE: THE ANIMATED MOVIE
Ice Age Dawn of the Dinosaurs holds at number two and the B and C listers doing voices here aren’t even worth my time listing. Remember when Dennis Leary was actually threatening to be edgy? Now he’s doing this. Everyone gets old, kids, but you can do it with some dignity. I find myself sadly glad Richard Pryor died before someone could throw money at him to do shit like this because you know he would have. Drug addicts who grew up in whorehouses don’t turn down money made this easily. Not to mention he didn’t give a shit what you thought of him.

IT’S NOT LIKE IT’S CALLED “REVENGE O’ DA FALLEN”
Transformers Revenge of the Fallen holds at number three and there’s a small controversy over the “racist” portrayal of a pair of Transformer twins who are clearly meant to be black (jive talking and one even has a giant single gold tooth). If you haven’t heard of it it’s probably because even the people offended by it realize that the entire movie is an offense to anyone with an IQ above room temperature. It’s all awful and this is just another part of it. It’s not like the movie is enjoyable except for that, like say Mickey Rooney in Breakfast At Tiffany’s. It’s just another odious aspect to an overall miserable experience.

REUNITED IN DEATH
Bruno is down to number four and if you want to see the Michael Jackson jokes, I guess you’ll have to wait until the DVD since they cut them in wake of his death. I’m not going to point out the full anal-sex scene will probably be restored as well, though I’m sure you see the irony.

HE’S STILL GREEN, BUT FOR OTHER REASONS
The Hangover is down to number five followed by The Proposal at number six and Bradley Cooper has got to be pissed about losing the role of Green Lantern to none other than Ryan Reynolds. I would have preferred Cooper myself, since Hal Jordan is meant to be a cocky fighter pilot, but not an obnoxious wiseass like Reynolds plays all his roles. Of course in a perfect world, a 30-something Nathan Fillon would have been Hal Jordan, because aside from Paul Newman, on whom the character was visually based, it was a role he was born to play. Here’s how strong this belief is amongst the geeks:



AND THE OUT-OF-NOWHERE CAMEO ROLE GOES TO…
Public Enemies is down to number seven and once upon a time Johnny Depp was going to be Speed Racer and that would have been some perfect casting. How we got from him to Emil Hirsch I don’t know. Also in this movie for some odd reason is Leelee Sobieski (whom I mistook for Chloe Sevigny). Yeah, that’s what I thought. She just shows up as one of the girls who accompany Dillinger to his fateful movie trip. Guess she was just trying to get on Michael Mann’s radar for future work.

REPLACING MEGAN FOX IN TRANSFORMERS 3
Up holds at number eight, followed by My Sister’s Keeper at number nine and Abigail Breslin is clearly at the Nicholas Cage portion of her career, aka, “take the money and run.” She’s gotten the critical accolades in indie film and the Oscar nomination, so now it’s money for college with mainstream studio work with big stars. This disappointment comes after such less-than-spectacular work as Nim’s Island with Jodie Foster (whom I’m sure had some solid child star advice to give) and Gerald Bulter; No Reservations with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Aaron Eckart and Definitely Maybe with Ryan Reynolds, Rachel Weisz and Isla Fisher. It’s only a matter time before she’s in something from Jerry Bruckheimer or Michael Bay.

INSERT JOKE ABOUT TRAFFIC ON A ONE-WAY STREET HERE
I Love You, Beth Cooper is down to number ten and right now someone is glad Heroes is getting an undeserved fourth season. And the writer of the book really doesn’t have many people to blame as he also did the screenplay. Of course, when Chris Columbus is your director you’re kinda doomed no matter what. I’m convinced the first movie this hack made is the best movie he ever made: Adventures in Babysitting.

THERE WAS 35 SECONDS OF SUSAN, BUT I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Not breaking the top ten is the highly overrated 500 Days of Summer, which is about the 500 days one guy spends thinking about a girl named Summer, before, during and after their relationship (if I did one it would be called 13,000 Days of Jennifer, considering it started when I was in the 7th Grade and won’t seem to fucking stop). Just as your mainstream romcom has its stupid clichés, so do your wannabe-different indie romantic comedies. There’s no “meeting cute” like in mainstream romcoms, but there are things like the painfully overused sardonic narration from the omniscient narrator. When done well, you get things like Mr. Jealousy and even The Royal Tennabaums (which wasn’t that great but the narration was used appropriately), but when the product of a lazy writer you get movies like this, because the narration isn’t consistent. It clearly pops up when they were unable to convey something otherwise. It’s a cheat like a montage. And don’t think there’s not one here either, because there is and it’s as conventional as it gets. It’s the “broken-hearted-person-pulls-themselves-back-together-by-focusing-on-work” montage and like any mainstream film, the character strangely doesn’t have to worry about money after quitting his job. The job, of course he was always over-qualified for, not following his true calling, which he does only in the wake of the break-up. It’s cliché after cliché with nothing really new thrown on top of them. Look, there’s a totally unexpected musical number (complete with an animated blue bird landing on someone’s shoulder) using a top 40 hit, but not an over known top 40 hit ‘cause we’re indie so it’s actually a type of hipster kitschy cool. Yawn. Even the jumping back and forth through time is a cliché and someone needed to watch Annie Hall again to see it done right. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a good actor when given good material but he can’t lift this above what it is and Zooey Deschanel has been an indie “it” girl for so long I can’t even remember why. Was it “almost famous” that gave her this cache that’s she’s never lived up to? All The Real Girls maybe? In either case, it was a long time ago to the point where other actresses are making a living just imitating her like Anna Friel in Pushing Daisies and she’s not really doing anything to set herself above it all.

I REMAIN COMMITTED TO MY NON-COMMITTAL
So, in my continuing non-training for this triathlon I will not participate in, I went to Bally’s Gym and got their 7-day free membership to try the pool to see how long it takes me to do 400 meters. Their pool is 25 meters so it was just a matter of timing 16 laps. I actually did it in about 10-15 minutes which was surprising given I paused after nearly every one and haven’t been in a pool in over a year. In fact, given how cheap the membership is (and probably cheaper for me given my job has discount I didn’t bother looking up) I may just join there so I can swim occasionally, because while I do miss it, the repetition of it reminded me why I stopped. Also, there’s a difference between this gym and Crunch and it ain’t pretty, literally. Crunch tended to get a lot of somewhat attractive people, while Bally’s…not so much. Imagine seeing the male cast of The Sopranos naked and you’ll have an idea of what I saw. Not to mention, the guys who wore bikini briefs at Crunch were clearly gay with the ripped bodies to match. These guys are clearly straight with the paunchy bodies to match. And brutha, please. Take off your fucking doo-rag in the sauna! But as much as I resent my body for its continuing betrayal of me, I have to admit it’s surprised me by not falling completely apart when I started running. I’m not nearly as crippled as I expected to be. Same with the swimming. I expected one lap to do me in, but I did about 30 before leaving. I’ve actually made modest concessions on what I eat and the worst part is seeing results to your effort is you just can’t quit because you want more. It doesn’t help seeing 50-something Billy Idol being all toned, or the guitarist for Def Leppard just as old and equally fit. If they can do that after all the shit they’ve done, I can keep from moving up a jeans size, right (or maybe not because lead singer Joe Eliot is one paunchy bastard). But with this new problems arise, like needing more workout gear, having more laundry to wash and multiple showers in the day is annoying as hell. Sigh. Apparently I only got the fat part and not the jolly part.

MANCHILD IN BON JOVI LAND
That disturbance you felt in the universe was me leaving the isle of Manhattan to visit a friend in New Jersey last week. Alas, the ideal realization of the quarterback and the cheerleader living happily ever after did not happen and with her kids being away with dad for a week, I went out to lend some support. I took the ferry out, which is the way to go to Jersey if you have to go. I actually missed the first one and killed an hour in a nearby bar where I met a nice couple visiting from South Africa who implored me to visit because it was so beautiful there. I must confess to being a typical New Yorker and tried to avoid conversation with them when they first tried to strike it up, but they were too nice and I was actually raised with manners so it was unavoidable. Though was was still enough me to leave as soon as my beer was done to wait in a nearby park. One funny thing about the ferry ride is that I was the only minority on it, which is difficult to do in NYC. Maybe it was just that I was riding it in the middle of the day, but I doubt it. And if you’re wondering about the boat staff, clearly you know nothing of Black people to think they’ve got jobs on the water. I hadn’t seen The Former Cheerleader in a few years and then she’d recently given birth to her second daughter, so I was initially looking for someone a bit heavier, which is why I missed the blonde with the rack waving at me the first time around. As it turns out she’s now teaching dancing at the very school where she learned as a girl so there’s something to that Dance Your Ass Off show. We’d met while working together so a good deal of our conversation was catching up on old gossip and who we’d spoken to recently. She was one of the girls I’d enjoyed discussing movie gossip with (Angelina Jolie Smile was one of the others) and she surprised me by not only agreeing with me that George Clooney was a bit of a douche for his taste in 20-something waitresses, but took it a bit further by saying his whole self-effacing routine was just that: a routine. The man knows he’s the shit, but is smart enough to try and hide it. She also pointed out that Bruce Springsteen never, ever denied boning that guy’s wife, just stating that his own marriage was strong. After buying wine for later---okay, so maybe we had a glass first---we went out to dinner on the ocean where nearby one godawful band was destroying songs like “Bohemian Rhapsody.” When I made note of an older gentleman with a cigar literally about a foot long in the company of an over-tanned blonde with gold lame heels, The Former Cheerleader informed we that this was where Soprano-land came to summer. Ah, Jersey. After dinner, our night was spent drinking and watching TV and movies. Former Cheerleader confessed to a love of reality shows and I introduced her to one of my favorites: She’s Got The Look (aka, America’s Top Over 35 Model) and she loved it immediately. Given that we both worked in movies and she’s seen pretty much seen everything I have, I was surprised to find out she’d never seen Mean Girls, which I’d brought with me along with The Thomas Crown Affair and Center Stage. It’s always fun seeing a good movie with someone who hasn’t. You get to experience things all over again, like the shock when the bus hits Regina George. Afterwards we watched The Thomas Crown Affair, which, like all my friends she loves. In fact, it’s part of the test to see if you’re worthy of knowing me. I also gave her a copy of the movie Fall, which is one of those movies I’m drawn to though it’s because I love to hate it. It’s from Eric Schaffer and if you know who that it is you know what you’re in for. Let me put it this way: you’d be hard pressed to find an ugly man presenting himself to be hot shit any great than outside of a porn movie where the fat old producer/director does all the scenes with young girls himself. He makes Woody Allen casting himself as the lover of Julia Roberts seem modest in comparison. But I watch it whenever it’s on cable and I always think of her because she’s the only other person in the world who even knows that movie exists, much less what it’s about (a married supermodel who falls for a cabbie).

SOMETIMES FRIENDS FIGHT

A recent conversation between my junk and myself:

Junk: Awright, mate. We’re leaving. (my junk is Cockney English)

Me: What!?! Why!?!

Junk: You bleeding know why! You make us ashamed to be here!

Me: I don’t understand.

Junk: Did you have to iron the slip, mate? Bad enough you picked out the dress and ironed that too, but the fucking slip!?!

Me: What? It’s part of the package. Do you know nothing of women’s clothing?

Junk: See? That’s what I’m on about! That’s why we’re leaving! Well that and all the bicycle bollocksing we’re getting.

Me: But I bought a new seat.

Junk: Maybe the arse liked it—

Ass: We do! Thanks!

Junk: ---but for us it’s the difference between being hit with a bat and being hit with a bat with a gel cushion. We’d rather not be hit at all. Whatever happened to swimming?

Me: Get over it. We’re biking now so I can still look down and fucking see you.

Junk: See us do what!?! We don’t do anything because you’re too busy ironing fucking knickers! We. Are. Out. Peace!

Me: It’s not like we didn’t get anything. We got pancakes.

Junk: Yeah, that’s really going to help you see us, fat boy. And until you start shoving them in your knickers what do we get out of it? You ironed a slip, my good son. And don’t think I didn’t see you picking out jewelry too.

Me: Did you also see that the request to iron was made by someone wearing only a towel?

Junk: Really? Oh. Didn’t know that.

Me: Really? You making an uninformed decision before jumping into action. How shocking. Like you haven’t been doing that to me since I was 12.

Junk: Hey, we’ve only got the one eye---

Me: Well, I’ve got two and they decided it was definitely worth a little ironing.

Junk: Okay, but this is the last time. I swear to Christ if we catch you washing hose in the sink with nothing to show for it, you’ll wake up and just find a note between your legs.

THE SUMMER OF DEATH
Death clearly is not taking a summer vacation claiming both Walter Cronkite and author Frank McCourt. But these aren’t so bad as Uncle Walter was 92 and Frank McCourt was 78, so they’d seen some life. And I’m pretty sure every time TMZ or Fox News came on, Walter Cronkite prayed for death.

I AM NOT IRON MAN

1. Bruno/Universal Wknd/$ 30.4 Total/$ 30.4
2. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs/Fox Wknd/$ 28.5 Total/$ 120.5
3. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Wknd/$ 24.2 Total/$ 339.2
4. Public Enemies/Universal Wknd/$ 14.1 Total/$ 66.5
5. The Proposal/Touchstone Wknd/$ 10.5 Total/$ 113.7
6. The Hangover/Warner Wknd/$ 9.9 Total/$ 222.4
7. I Love You Beth Cooper/Fox Wknd/$ 5.0 Total/$ 5.0
8. Up/Disney Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 273.8
9. My Sister’s Keeper/Warner Wknd/$ 4.1 Total/$ 35.8
10. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3/Sony Wknd/$ 1.6 Total/$ 61.5

I GET IT. I JUST DON’T CARE
Bruno opens at number one and I am not a fan of this type of humor. Acting like an asshole to provoke other people into acting like assholes then sitting back and laughing at them like you’ve accomplished something is bullshit to me. Only an asshole would do that so your high ground is all an illusion. It’s something different to just let people embarrass themselves like The Daily Show does, when they know full well you’re out for a laugh, but going all out to push their buttons is something else indeed. I didn’t watch Ali G on HBO, I didn’t see Borat and I’ll never see this. I’m just glad it’s finally opened so all these fucking commercials and ads will go away.

THE ENEMY OF MY ENEMY IS MY FRIEND
Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (and I believe we’ve discussed the oxymoron of “ice age” along with a dinosaur presence) actually lost out last week so if Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen---which has then dropped two places to number three---had any redeeming feature that was it. Keeping Ice Age out of the number one slot.

BAND OF THE MANN
Public Enemies is down to number four and Michael Mann is one of those directors who specializes in populating his film with character actors. From Manhunter to this, look down the cast lists and that’s what you’ll find. Some famous, some not so famous, but all know you’ve seen many times, providing his films with gravitas. In this case it’s a lot of guys who came up with Johnny Depp and had their brief moments in the “Young Hollywood” arena, but never made to stardom that way like Depp and now have become full-grown character actor men. Stephen Dorff, Rory Cochrane, Giovanni Ribisi, Shawn Hatosy even Billy Crudup----doing a very nice turn as J. Edgar Hoover, shown here in all his true malice, despite being on the side of law and order. They join such seasoned players like James Russo and Stephen Lang, a Mann alum (he was in Manhunter as well as the TV show, Crime Story) who actually makes more of a dramatic impression here as a Texas Ranger become FBI Agent than both Depp and Christian Bale, despite a tenth of the screen time.

NOT THAT CAMERON DIAZ IS DOING THAT WELL HERSELF THESE DAYS
The Proposal is down to number five and also in this is Cameron Diaz 2.0, a.k.a., Malin Ackerman, but actually she’s more like a female Ryan Reynolds in that she’s a very attractive person who appears in a lot of A-list movies but never seems to catch on until years later. The difference is, men have that time. Women do not and she may be done at 31. I’m not saying it’s fair, but if a sitcom comes her way, she should grab it with both hands. By the time she was 31, Sandra Bullock had already done Speed and was starring in While You Were Sleeping, establishing herself as the star and not some dude.

THOSE WHO DON’T LEARN FROM THE PAST ARE DOOMED TO REPEAT IT
The Hangover is down to number six and by now everyone knows that one of the most successful movies of the year ($35M budget, $284M worldwide gross) was turned down by Lindsay Lohan because she felt the role played by Heather Graham (who should send her a fruit basket) wasn’t substantial. Well, duh, but beggars can’t be choosers. And in return she’s being sued for her spray tan and getting paid to host her own birthday party. She truly is the Shannon Doherty of this generation---except she’s actually talented which makes all this worse.

AVOID THE CHEERLEADER, SAVE YOUR CAREER
I Love You, Beth Cooper opens up poorly at number seven and hopefully this is a sign that Hayden Panttiere’s undeserved fame is finally over. I mean, she was just an underage blonde in a cheerleading outfit. That’s the sole source of it all, because it’s not like she’s overly pretty or talented. Just when you think you know how sad men are, something like this occurs and you realize it’s worse than you think. And what idiot releases a film about high school graduation a month after most high schools have graduated!?!

THE END
Up is down to number eight, followed by My Sister’s Keeper at number nine and Night At The Museum: Battle for the Smithsonian, hanging at number ten like a paper cut that won’t heal.

BLOOD SIMPLETON
Not breaking the top ten is Blood: The Last Vampire, and despite my geek status, I have very little use for anime. I fully admit to being put off by the whole look of it all; the big eyes, the fact that everyone is drawn as “white” when it’s purely Japanese…it just creeps me out. Oh, then there’s that non-stop “schoolgirl rape by demons” thing. This why I never heard of Blood: The Last Vampire before seeing the trailer on the Underworld: Rise of the Lycans DVD. It looked like fun and I sure as hell wasn’t going to see I Love You Beth Cooper, so there I was on a Saturday morning with a bunch of other dudes. Oh, you know it was all dudes. And it was all dudes who afterwards probably adjoined to either the nearby comic book or porn stores (not that I haven’t done that, but that particular day was about running shoes which we’ll get to later). The funny thing about Japanese anime and works based on it, is that the sight of a girl in a school uniform is deadly serious, while Buffy The Vampire Slayer in a cheerleader outfit (our comparable fetish) was meant to be a joke. Now these aren’t technically vampires (they’re demons), but they do suck blood, so the title almost makes sense. Sya is the apparent teen vampire slayer except she’s centuries old and apparently a bit of a demon herself, as she needs to drink blood which is provided to her by one of those mysterious “councils” that exist to fight evil in all these movies. This is oddly a western production, which may be part of the problem, although I actually liked Kiss of the Dragon, which came from the same director (I’m clearly in the minority). I say this because far too much time is paid to the character of the American girl in this. I didn’t go see it for her and could give a shit if she lived or died, so all the time spent on her was a waste of time. We’re here to see somebody kill vampires, period. The film is uniquely set in Japan during the Vietnam War era, suggesting that the carnage there led to the demons’ arrival, but why bring up such a provocative idea if you’re just going to toss it aside? Seriously, nothing is served in making it a period piece, rather than making it contemporary and then allowing for more money to be spent on your bad guy, who aside from not being that pretty is a horrible actress. Granted, I live in NYC, but I could step outside and probably find someone prettier and more talented. On the upside, some of the fight scenes are fun and I’m actually interested in seeing the original anime.

IT’S GOOD TO BE ME
Who’s king of the geeks? I am. Why? Because I bought an new screen for my Powerbook, and with no previous experience or knowledge, installed it myself, found it didn’t work, took it apart, found pieces were missing, took my old one apart, took out the pieces from that and put them in the new one, then sold the old one---even with the pieces missing---on eBay, thus making my total outlay $15. WHO’S YOUR MUTHAFUCKING GEEK DADDY!?!

I AM NOT IRON MAN
I’ve never cared for the workout sub-cultures that so permeate the city, though I do belong to at least two (biking, martial arts). There’s an inherent snobbery that they give off when you see them in the streets in their workout gear (which I never do), which they do deliberately so they can let you know they’re better than you. “See this yoga mat slung over my shoulder that matches my work out gear? It means I’m a supple toned slice of perfection, while you, you gelatinous fuck, are anything but. Excuse me while I buy my protein shake/designer vitamin water while you suck down that soda, fat ass.” And it’s worse with men because then you have the stink of testosterone and competition inherent in all we do. If more men did yoga, there’d have to be a “winner” at it. Inner peace and tone simply would not be enough. This is why you see them likewise decked out in perfectly coordinated workout gear (why does your helmet need to match your tights) as they run/bike/whatever all over the city. It’s also not so much about fitness is it is trying to relive former jock glories or just reach them for the first time now that your competition is just another account manager and not someone truly gifted in athletics. This is why it’s a bit odd that I find myself tempted to join their numbers. Star Trek Woman is trying to get me to join a triathlon since I already bike and used to swim. It seems that I could just throw a run into that and, voila! An Ironman is born. It’s what’s called a “sprint” in that it’s relatively short. It’s 400 meters swimming, 12 miles biking and 3 miles running. When I used to swim, I did 50 lengths in a 23-yard pool, which is about 21 meters, meaning I did 1050 yards every time I hit the water, so 400 meters is nothing. My average ride is 16 miles, making 12 pretty simple. My curiousity sparked, I decided to put foot to pavement and run for the first time in over a decade to see if running was also possible. I did two miles the first time (ran to the Jacob Javitz Center, rested, and ran back) then I did 3 miles the second time (ran up to the Pier 1 Café on the Upper West Side, rested, then ran back), so apparently this is possible. There’s just one problem: I FUCKING HATE RUNNING! Oh, my god the misery! Painful, slow, boring…my god, it’s nothing but sheer misery. I took up swimming and biking to avoid that shit and the toll it takes on your body. It was one thing when I lived near Central Park and used to run around the reservoir (sometimes I’d even have sex first, then go run. Ah, my 20’s) where running on the soil would cause less impact on your joints. Now it’s asphalt and the brutal concrete, the worst surface you can run on. But I can’t deny its effectiveness. The morning after every run I was briefly and instantly five pounds lighter. Also, being kung fu free at the moment, I need some thing to work towards. I guess this is why I bought a new pair of running shoes on Saturday afternoon. I initially when to Jack Rabbit Sports where Chasing Amy had sent me to get my winter biking gear. There they have a whole set up to help you pick out a running shoe, complete with filming you running on a tread mill to see how you responded to the shoe. I’m an underpronator, which is why I constantly wear down the right side of my heels (what’s great about this is that it totally justified my hunt for those sneakers because I need arch support). But in the end I balked at paying $100 for shoes I might not wear beyond August. Of course I then took the info I’d gotten from them (I bought something for my bike there to assuage my guilt at using them that way) and went online to look for the best sneakers for me, then off to Modells! Of course having the most average fucking body on earth, anything appropriate and in my price range was sold out. Asics, New Balance…gone. Nike sucks. Know this now. I can’t see how anyone runs in that shit. I was actually on my way to do counterproductive shopping (since when have they started making Command & Conquer for the Mac again and why didn’t anyone tell me?) when I ran across City Sports who were having 20% off already discounted items. This is how I wound up with a pair of Sauconys for $35. But I still haven’t decided I’m going to do it. Aside from the fact I don’t have a place to swim any longer, it’s in a month. Training would have to start yesterday. Then there’s the inescapable fact I’d really have to change how I eat. Oh, and did I mention I FUCKING HATE RUNNING!

DEMOLITION PLAN
It may come as no surprise that I was ultimately banned from Jezebel in wake of Michael Jackson’s death because I refused to pretend he wasn’t a sexual predator. The person who banned me I’ve met a few times and knowing she’s my age and Black I fully understand why, even though it’s total bullshit. If R. Kelly or Chris Brown died, there’d be none of this “but it’s about the music’ bullshit. Not that it matters. Like every relationship I’ve ever had with a woman, I knew there was a shelf-life going in and this one just reached its end. Besides, I made a lot of good friends and Sunday night was at a party one of them thrown for the pre-demolition of her apartment because the wiring will all have to be redone, thus destroying her place for a few weeks. But in all honesty, if I’d known how far out it was (Church Street stop on the “Q”) I probably would not have gone. But I had fun. All her friends (only one Jezebel showed up) were smart and funny and one had a mother who had to be one of the most interesting women alive. Not only did she show up to an airport with a .22 and a straight razor in her bag, but she referred to her son’s girlfriend that she disliked as “the dicklicker.” For a second I wondered if we were related because that sounds like shit my family says. Also when family questioned if her 44-year-old single daughter was gay, she replied, “She likes dick as much as anyone.” Yeah, we might be related. We were also encouraged to write on the soon-to-be-destroyed walls and since she’s been very open about her sex life to me, I made the appropriate comments in as many places as I could. Though I feel I lost out to the guy who made a nude sketch of her on the wall---which his wife found very funny. Also, because we’ve discussed beauty of bacon many times, that was my gift. Not wine, but a pound of maple bacon. Yes, I am the man.

NO OFFENSE TO YOU FAT BOTTOMED GIRLS
It may seem odd, but I realized that while I have fun riding, I don’t really do leisurely fun riding much. I’m doing 15-20 mph and trying for more on the bike path, not cruising the city streets looking around. I tried to amend this on Sunday with a leisurely ride around the SoHo/Tribeca area. It’s pretty and usually deserted on the weekends, though I probably would have been better off doing it last Sunday on the holiday weekend when I was walking down there and it was truly empty. Not as much this weekend, but still a nice ride. I was planning to finally see the High Line, but there was a fucking line, which kinda defeats the purpose, no? For those of you outside of NYC, the Highline is an abandoned piece of elevated train track in NYC’s chic West Village which has been renovated into a public part of sorts. But you don’t wait in line to visit a park, so everyone doing so was a fucking moron. I’ll take a day off and see it. And while I’m the most vocal critic of flabby people who reveal themselves in the summer sun, let’s take a moment to appreciate those 10% who are physically fucking perfect. Thank you for giving us all an aesthetic oasis in a desert of fat-ass genetic lottery losers. You know who you are in both camps.

YOUNG NAMASTE SLUTS
So I’m a firm believer in the idea that watching a fitness show or reading a fitness magazine is the same as working out, so this is how I found myself watching Yoga on FitTV. It’s pretty much yoga porn. I knew this, but was surprised when my roommate walked in and vocalized the same sentiment---though she said it like it was a bad thing. It’s pretty actresses doing passable yoga in a variety of lovely settings, from a forest to a mansion to a…warehouse? All very well lit and looking like a rock video or some high-end porn. Also, all wearing yoga gear so form fitting, “camel toe” is a given, not the exception. But having seen women in the streets in their workout gear, this is more accurate than you’d like to admit. But the best part came in a commercial when I saw someone I knew hosting a fitness show. Madonna Grimes is a successful fitness instructor (Miss Fitness America 1994), which is pretty much what she was doing while getting her masters in dance at NYU when I met her. On one hand it’s got to be a bit disappointing to have more success at your “day job” than your career path, but as least she’s succeeded in something that doesn’t require her working for “the man” like the rest of us. And I met Leroy from Fame once because of her, so she’s aces in my book.

HUMP DAY
Maxwell has a new album and does it really matter if it’s good or not? It’s just background music while we all get our swerve on. I’ve got a bottle of wine and will be over around 7:00.

IF YOU CAN'T GO DEEP, GO FAST

1. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs/Fox Wknd/$ 42.5 Total/$ 67.5
2. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Wknd/$ 42.5 Total/$ 293.5
3. Public Enemies/Universal Wknd/$ 26.2 Total/$ 41.0
4. The Proposal/Touchstone Wknd/$ 12.8 Total/$ 94.2
5. The Hangover/Warner Wknd/$ 10.4 Total/$ 204.2
6. Up/Disney Wknd/$ 6.6 Total/$ 264.9
7. My Sister’s Keeper/Warner Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 26.0
8. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3/Sony Wknd/$ 2.5 Total/$ 58.5
9. Year One/Sony Wknd/$ 2.1 Total/$ 38.1
10. Night At The Museum 2/Fox Wknd/$ 2.1 Total/$ 167.8

ONLY THE MORE SHALLOW CAN BE NUMBER ONE
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs opens at number one. Well, maybe. It’s too close to call at this point, but it’s fitting that it’s battling it out with Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, because you’d be hard-pressed to find two more soulless sequels. Granted this is mere conjecture on my part because I haven’t seen Ice Age 3, but given how horrible the original was, I hardly think it’s gotten better. This is an excellent example of the superiority of the Pixar product because all the Pixar films, even those that aren’t so great (yes, Cars, I’m looking at you) come from some place personal in the filmmakers. Exactly where did the idiot plot of Ice Age come from, much less number three? This clearly came from the imagination of an accountant who thought the only thing a movie about life after dinosaurs needed was dinosaurs. Kids love them dinosaurs, so let’s get that money. Transformers, however, has shown the limits of even stupid summer movie taste with a 60% drop from last week. This means the geeks who saw the original multiple times are not so inclined this time around. But neither Bay nor Universal cares. It’s already made almost $600M worldwide, meaning it’s going to turn a profit even before DVD, which is amazing for a movie with a $200M budget.

I THINK WE CAN GUESS THE PORN TAKE-OFF TITLE OF THIS
Opening at number three is the latest from Michael Mann, Pubic Enemies, the story of John Dillinger (not to mention Babyface Nelson and a super brief Pretty Boy Floyd) and Melvin Purvis, the FBI agent chasing him. Mann usually makes good crime films that even when they don’t quite make it (I’m looking at you, Miami Vice), they’re still entertaining. When they don’t succeed on any level you have the forgettable Collateral. This, unfortunately falls closer to Collateral than Miami Vice or Heat, which it actually more resembles as we go back and forth from Johnny Depp as Dillinger to Christian Bale as Melvin Purvis, two professionals pursuing their profession, which just happens to be cops and robbers. It all seems very “surface” despite the talents of all the actors involved. You never really feel these are three-dimensional characters so much as the historical figures they are. Even the romance Dillinger has with Oscar Winner, Marion Cotillard (Mann pays homage to legend by having her show up in red, though the actual woman he’s with at the end isn’t her and is in orange), still fails to provide much depth to him. What the movie needed was a jolt of urgency, something Mann’s sprawling crime films occasionally lack because they’re so damn long and trying to cover so much. What should have been more of breathless jaunt, comes across as more leisurely stroll. It would make more sense if this were a total bio pic, following Dillinger’s whole life, but we come in with him already famous as a bank robber so this should be about the break to the finish line of his life as the FBI comes after him full force. Both Heat and Miami Vice kicked up the juice for the last thirty minutes, but staying accurate to the details of Dillinger’s life prohibits that, so it should have been applied to other scenes. If you’re not gonna go deep, you’d better go fast (go ahead and make your sex jokes, children). For all the time we spend with Melvin Purvis we don’t know a thing about him. Even Dillinger gives his love interest a brief autobiography. We never learn anything about Purvis even though casual conversation. And that’s another problem. You never get any “casual conversation” with the characters. Every single word seems to be calculated to drive the story forward and get the story across, which also robs it of depth. Digital Video, which Mann now loves, does not help. It’s a cold format, though it lets us know in no uncertain terms who is really pretty and who is not and neither Depp nor Bale suffer from its ruthless gaze.

GOOD GENES
The Proposal is down to number four and Craig T. Nelson and Mary Steenburgen play Ryan Reynolds’ parents, which is pretty much what you expect from someone who looks like him. Especially Mary Steenburgen, who is still incredibly hot after all these years. She also played Reese Witherspoon’s mom in Four Christmases, Will Ferrell’s mom in Step Brothers, which was ironically after playing his stepmother in Elf. Craig T. Nelson, however, beat her in one fell swoop by playing the father to Luke Wilson, Dermot Mulroney and Rachel McAdams in The Family Stone.

KIEFER SUTHERLAND IS THE ONLY BIG WINNER FROM LOST BOYS?
Up is down to number six, followed by My Sister’s Keeper at number seven and also in this is Jason Patric, who has had one interesting career. And by “interesting” I mean, he’s good-looking and talented enough that he keeps working after twenty years in major films, but his pretentious douchebag behavior kept him from stardom. Here you have this guy who’s one part Johnny Depp and one part Robert DeNiro, but with all their asshole behavior combined. He doesn’t really do promotion or interviews, something people who are footing the bill for a $100M film don’t appreciate. Also you can get him younger in Mark Ruffalo. Looking at his resume the man has made maybe one film every other year for the last twenty. I’m sure he’d say it was by choice, but I’m sure he’s got a Ashley Judd reputation, speaking of people who were supposed to be huge 10-15 years ago. People of a certain age will remember him most from Lost Boys. They’ll also remember he was one of Julia Roberts’ conquests and it was rumored he picked up a little heroin habit by going method on the film Rush and shared it with her. 96-97 was supposed to be the years he really blew up with Speed 2 and Sleepers, but only the people with attractive personalities like Sandra Bullock and Brad Pitt made it out of those disasters. But I won’t front. The man is awesome when it comes to make dark films with dark characters. Narc is a promise director Joe Callahan never lived up to and he’s good in it. And his portrayal of the consummate misogynist sociopath in Your Friends and Neighbors makes what Tom Cruise attempted in Magnolia a joke.

IGNORE THOSE ADAM SANDLER MOVIES IF YOU COULD TOO
The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3 is down to number eight and I’m sure John Turturro would rather you think of this than Transformers when you think of his career.

I’M TELLING YOU IT’S GONNA BE THE LOUVRE
Year One is down to number nine followed by Night At The Museum: Battle for the Smithsonian finally going away, but at $361M worldwide there will be a third one. That’s both a threat and a warning.

A CAUTIONARY TALE IF YOU WILL…
So Death continues her summer rampage, going relatively young this time around with quarterback Steve McNair, best known for bringing his team back against the then dominant St. Louis Rams in the second half of the 2000 Super Bowl, fighting down to literally the last play in the last seconds of the game to almost steal victory. Sadly, it appears his 20-year-old girlfriend may have killed him. McNair was 36 and married with children. Yeah, it’s like that. Not every girl has the same reaction to the realization that “I’m going to leave her for you” is total bullshit. Some clearly don’t take it very well and an angry call to your wife becomes positively mild in comparison. Hear me now and believe me later: yes, the crazy girls are hot, but there’s always a price to be paid and when your couch is on fire her idea to ask her girlfriend from college to join you doesn’t seem all that interesting.

SATURDAY IN THE PARK, I THINK IT WAS THE FOURTH OF JULY
It was oh-so-appropriate that the weather for a Saturday Fourth of July was perfect. My bike, which I gave to the bike shop for a tune up after attempting my own repairs, was back and the cost meant we’re pushing back a return to kung-fu for another month (turns out my front derailleur was also shot and had to be replaced). But hey, it’s actually working well for the first time, since the gear shifting has always been suspect. I just had nothing to compare it to. This meant I had to work the hell out of it as soon as possible to justify the money spent. Of course I took it out Friday, having the day off (god bless corporate America) and I realized just how spoiled I am riding at night. All you fuckers decided to come out and screw up my ride, with your kids and your pets and your elderly parents crowding the joint path. Luckily, the further up I go, the less crowded it becomes. Though even that suffered on Saturday when again every fucker and his kids, pets and old folks decided to come out. Now, I’m used to the families being out cooking and throwing parties when I ride, but it was insane. It didn’t thin out until I was almost at the George Washington Bridge. And the people of color of NYC would like the city to know your rules about where we can and cannot set up a grill, are viewed more as “suggestions” which we choose to ignore. I don’t do the Upper East Side ride much any longer because it’s just so unattractive visually, but the upside is it’s usually empty as all hell and even on the Fourth this was no exception. I also decided to complete a trip I planned last year and rode over to Randall’s Island and went along the bike path there. Only about a fourth is done, but it’s still very nice. There’s even a small wetlands preserve there. Coming back I decided not to continue down the east side and instead came down Fifth Avenue along “Museum Mile” then cutting into the part just past the Met. I then rode the path back up and around the park and in doing so realized I’m the only man in the city ashamed of his man-boobs and belly, because I saw so many flabby muthafuckas just letting it all hang out. Trust me on this. Until all the gay men leave the city for the weekend, you have no idea just how many ugly, out-of-shape bastards are out there. I can only think all the men who are in good shape but are straight are actors or models and were also out of the city. I mean, where’s the shame!?! The self-awareness!?! The respect for your fellow citizens not to put that shit out there!?! The occasional gorgeous bikini-clad girl could not make up for the legions of fat bastards out on display. It’s almost enough to make a man eat right and exercise daily. Almost. Instead I’ll just keep my nudity confined to my apartment.

FOREVER IN BLUE JEANS, BABE
It’s the seventh month of the year and I bought a seventh pair of jeans. Don’t judge me, monkey. I had no choice. Another pair developed a crotch hole. I’m beginning to wonder what’s going on with my balls.