CHICKS WIN!

1. Baby Mama/Universal Wknd/$ 18.3 Total/$ 18.3
2. Harold & Kumar Escape Wknd/$ 14.6 Total/$ 14.6
3. The Forbidden Kingdom/LGF Wknd/$ 11.2 Total/$ 38.3
4. Forgetting Sarah Marshall/Univer Wknd/$ 11.0 Total/$ 35.1
5. Nim’s Island/Fox Wknd/$ 4.5 Total/$ 39.0
6. Prom Night/SGem Wknd/$ 4.4 Total/$ 38.1
7. 21/Sony Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 75.8
8. 88 Minutes/Sony Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 12.6
9. Horton Hears A Who/Fox Wknd/$ 2.4 Total/$ 147.9
10. Deception/Fox Wknd/$ 2.2 Total/$ 2.2

BUT NO DRAMA
Opening at number one is Baby Mama, which is a surprise to many who were sure that women were done at the box office, most importantly that douchebag at Warner Brothers who flat out said they weren’t going to make movies with women in the lead. This was made at Universal and I’m sure they’re laughing at him. Not only did it beat out this week’s dick oriented comedy, but it made more than last week’s testosterone inspired laugh fest. I’m sure most of the people who went to see this were unaware that Tina Fey didn’t write it. Nope. She obviously went over it with Amy Poehler, but the actual screenplay is the work of the director, Michael McCullers, which is probably why it lacks some of the ruthless humor of 30 Rock and some of the knowledgeable humor about pregnancy that Fey could and should have brought. But given he’s also a former SNL writer it’s still very much in her vein, which is what makes it enjoyable nonetheless. The real star of the movie, however, may be Amy Poehler who definitely gets the “fun” role of the “baby mama.” After all, Tina Fey is essentially playing herself the way she always does, while Amy Poehler gets to pull out another one of her white trash characters and put it good use (but this one has two legs, so don’t get your hopes up). Even Dax Shepherd as her equally trashy “common law” husband comes off well. In fact, it’s got a nice supporting cast with Sigourney Weaver (a willing target of one of the truly vicious running gags in the movie), Maura Tierney, Greg Kinnear and an uncredited Steve Martin. One definite Fey influence is that the setting eschews New York City for Philadelphia, her hometown and I actually like it, because I’d rather not see New York than see New York constantly done wrong the way it tends to be in movies, even by people who live here and I’m pretty sure anyone who actually lives in Philly would question how generic it looks here. Better Philly suffers this fate than us.

HAROLD & KUMAR GO TO HARDER DRUGS
Opening at number two is the movie everyone expected to be number one, Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay, the sequel to Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle and I can think of two reasons why: 1) everyone can relate to the story of going out to get some junk food when you’re stoned (though I don’t smoke, so I’m usually drunk when I want a grilled cheese with fries at 3:00 am) so the first film was relatable while this one obviously is not and 2) the NFL draft. I’m not one to really put stock in these things, but this is a frat boy type of movie and they were too busy drinking beer, watching the draft and making predictions for the next football season this weekend. If even I’m watching it, you know real dudes are (Falcons got a new QB!). Also, I personally didn’t find the first one all that great. When Doogie Howser is your comedic high point, you’re in trouble. But at least they recognized he was the high point and brought him back for this one. Besides, the first really made its money on DVD and so will this one when it comes out this fall just in time for the new school year.

THE PEOPLE IN THE MOVIE GETTING LESS ATTENTION THAN A MAN’S DICK
The Forbidden Kingdom is down to number three followed by Forgetting Sarah Marshall at number four and as Sarah Marshall herself is Kristin Bell who has achieved some odd geek cred due to Veronica Mars (for those of you who wanted a third season, the pilot where she becomes an FBI agent is available on YouTube) and I really don’t understand why. It wasn’t science fiction, fantasy or horror and is being a teen detective really enough, because in that case Nancy Drew is an unheralded geek heroine. It doesn’t help that I get a total bitch vibe from her. Seriously, it’s like she fell out of the bitch tree and hit every branch on the way down, so she was perfectly cast as the cheating girlfriend here. But she knows on which side her bread is buttered and constantly says things about how much she loves geeks, which only makes me respect Sarah Michelle Gellar more, as she never played the geek ass kiss game no matter how much the geeks worshipped her. Bell’s also sucking up to Apatow here in a way that Katherine Hegl never did, but Katherine Hegl still has a damn good day job and a movie career. Her counterpart here is Mila Kunis who scarily only got prettier as That 70’s Show progressed, as opposed to Laura Prepon as Donna who kinda lost a little as she grew older (going blonde didn’t help). Now she’s freaking gorgeous and you understand why she was chosen to play a younger version of Angelina Jolie in Gia (they even share the “no hips, no ass” type body). I’d love to say that only in Judd Apatow world is Jason Segel going from Kristin Bell to Mila Kunis, but the truth is, he’s about 6’3” and women do excuse looks for height (the same men excuse looks for breast size or a vagina). Also, he’s a composer for a television show, which means he’s got some measure of success, so it’s not beyond the realm of probability. Though the fact he’s playing husband to Willow on How I Met Your Mother is a better approximation to his level of attractiveness (yes, the hard truth is that Xander was always too good looking for her).

GEORGE CLOONEY IS ABAGAIL BRESLIN’S BITCH
Nim’s Island is showing some legs, holding on at number five this week. In comparison, everything else that opened a month ago (Leatherheads, The Ruins) is gone from the top ten. It’s now made budget, so by the time DVD rolls in, this will turn a profit, so everything Gerald Butler has done since 300 won’t be a total failure.

MEN DON’T MAKE PASSES AT WOMEN WHO CAN KICK THEIR ASSES
Prom Night is down to number six, followed by 21 at number seven and 88 Minutes at number 8 and also in this are Helen Hunt-lookalike Leelee Sobieski and Alicia Witt and I’d normally suggest that Kristin Bell and Mila Kunis are pay attention to these former “hot young things” now propping up Al Pacino’s aging ass here. But their situation is a bit different. Both are tall. Alicia Witt is 5’9” and Leelee Sobieski is freaking 5’10”. Let’s not pretend it doesn’t matter. It puts them literally head and shoulders above most men in Hollywood in front of and behind the camera and dudes don’t usually like that. This limits their leading men to about three or four guys (and Sobieski has worked with almost all of them including Paul Walker, Josh Harnett and Chris Klein). Alicia Witt wound up on Law & Order: Criminal Intent playing Chris Noth’s partner for awhile so great the shortage is (apparently the show became science fiction if she’s supposed to be a detective). Hell, if anything, they should have been cast opposite Jason Segel, as it would be one of the rare times they could wear heels with a role. Amy Brenneman is here because, well, she drank her way out of an easy payday on CSI: Miami. The lesson here? Be short, be sober.

JEDI KNIGHTS WEREN’T KNOWN FOR BRINGIN’ THE LOVIN’
Horton Hears a Who is down to number nine followed by Deception at number ten and this is a pairing of wasted heat with Hugh Jackman and Ewan McGregor, two guys who had enormous amounts and wasted it with bad film choice after bad film choice. Yeah, McGregor was in the Star Wars prequels, but I could have played Ben Kenobi and they still would have made money. It didn’t matter and it really didn’t help him. No one thinks he can open a movie because of it and this certainly proves it. And Hugh Jackman… His bad choices outside of X-Men are legend. Kate & Leopold, Somebody Like You, Swordfish, Van Helsing, The Fountain and The Prestige all amount to nuthin’. McGregor’s list is too freaking many to count. And now they can both add one more to the list. Forget the trailer pretty much gives it all away (using one f the plot points of Mystery Date no less), how ridiculous is the idea that Ewan McGregor could be mistaken for Hugh Jackman? Ewan McGregor “mistakenly” gets Hugh Jackman’s cell phone and begins to live his life as part of a sex club, answering his calls from women like Natasha Henstridge. Please. Not on the best day of his life has he been a third of that hot. No one mistakes a Renton (I still don’t accept him as Obi Wan Kenobi) for a Wolverine even if they’ve never met them. I’m pretty sure “He’s 6’3” would show up in any conversation pertaining to him. Remember what I said about most men in show business being short? That’s how you get a bunch of dudes thinking they could all slide into Hugh Jackman’s slot if only given a chance, which is how casting like this happens.

I COULD HAVE LEGALLY GOTTEN A GUN BY NOW
The journey to become the dragon continues and believe it or not, but we’re finally zeroing in something. This week it was two taekwondo schools on the opposite ends of the city; one in Tribeca and the other in Harlem. The first was the Taekwondo Martial Arts Center in Tribeca, on Broadway and Reade and this had to be one of the better schools yet. Aside from being in a part of the city I enjoy, it was big enough for so they could section off part of the dojang for my free trial lesson, it also was International Taekwondo as opposed to World Taekwondo, which means the forms were the same so I wouldn’t have to learn anything new. Also, ITF is more traditional. And if this search has accomplished nothing else, it’s knocked some of the rust off me, to the point where none of the instructors I’ve worked with believe it’s been nearly 25 years since I last studied. That’s the beauty of learning something young; it stays with you, whether you like it or not. Surprisingly I was told I probably wouldn’t be starting off again as a white belt, which I was fully prepared to do. Of course you get what you pay for, so again a really good school is $200 a month, which is just not happening (the irony is this is what I used to spend on guitar lessons once upon a time). The next stop on our neverending search was at Harlem Taekwondo on 116th Street between Adam Clayton Powell and Fredrick Douglass (which is like saying between “Nubian” and “Ebony”). But lest images of Shaft or even New Jack City enter your mind, this place is so freaking gentrified now, it should be called “Harlem Lite” and I personally don’t consider anything below 125th to be Harlem. Again a nice place, good sized, disciplined, International Taekwondo and a much more manageable price. It was also a uniquely New York experience because at the class I attended, I was literally the only person born in the US. My only concern now is that I’m leaning to taekwondo because it’s safe and easy. I won’t be starting at bottom and I essentially know it already, whereas if I go with kung fu, I’ll be starting from scratch and I think we all know how I feel about making an exceptional effort. Well, I’ve just one more school on the list, so by next week I’ll possibly be making second visits to at least two of the previous schools to make a final decision. Or just giving up entirely and going with the bullshit black-and-green school two blocks from my house because I’m just so tired of this shit and need to be doing something. I’m just grateful the weather cooled off enough, delaying the wardrobe change that would reveal how much I’ve porked up.

DON’T ALWAYS BET ON BLACK
So Wesley Snipes is going to jail for tax evasion. This should tell you something. You can kill someone and walk, but god forbid you try to keep millions from the government because they will get your ass. My favorite part is how he tried to play the part of the naïve actor who didn’t know better when before this he was one of those nuts trying to insist you didn’t have to pay taxes at all. I think the real reason they nailed his ass to the wall is that he was encouraging others. He might have gotten a break if it were just his money, but he was trying to spread the word and “The Man” has no sense of humor about that shit. But he must have the worst lawyers in the world. I mean, since when do famous rich people go to jail!?! This is America for god’s sake! This is how you know the Bush era is coming to a close, when shit like this happens.

MANCHILD IN THE PROMISED LAND

1. The Forbidden Kingdom/LGF Wknd/$ 20.9 Total/$ 20.9
2. Forgetting Sarah Marshall/Univer Wknd/$ 17.3 Total/$ 17.3
3. Prom Night/SGem Wknd/$ 9.1 Total/$ 32.6
4. 88 Minutes/Sony Wknd/$ 6.8 Total/$ 6.8
5. Nim’s Island/Fox Wknd/$ 5.7 Total/$ 32.9
6. 21/Sony Wknd/$ 5.5 Total/$ 70.0
7. Street Kings/FoxS Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 19.9
8. Horton Hears A Who/Fox Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 144.4
9. Expelled/RM Wknd/$ 3.2 Total/$ 3.2
10. Leatherheads/Universal Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 26.6

KUNG FU 101
Opening at number one is The Forbidden Kingdom, giving the world the dream paring of Jet Li and Jackie Chan----only 10 and15 years after their physical peaks. It’s like Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone making an action film now rather than in the 80’s. Sigh. Well, I guess you can’t have everything. After all, Clint Eastwood and John Wayne never made a western together. This is basically a kung fu starter course with everything you’d ever see in a traditional martial arts movie with its two biggest stars. The Monkey King? Check. Drunken Old Master? Check. Novice on a quest? Check. Training sequence as we watch him develop? Check. Character searching for vengeance over dead loved ones? Check. Hot babe in that way that only Asian women can be? Check. White Haired Witch? Check. Monastery of Shaolin Monks you just happen to stumble upon which aids you in the final battle? Check. Evil warlord to fight? Check. The only glaring omission is a battle in a bamboo forest, which is almost inexcusable. How can you have a kung fu movie without a battle in a bamboo forest!?! Now, I know economically, you had to have a white boy as the star of this. I mean, it would have been nice to have say an Asian American kid be the hero, but that’s not where the money is. And it had to be a kid to get the kids and adults in because what man didn’t want to the teen star of a kung fu movie? But did he have to be ugly? This kid looks like a cross between Bud from Married With Children and Shia Lebouf. In fact, they probably asked Shia Lebouf first and went with this guy. Also, he knows martial arts so that was another factor. You had to have someone who knew his stuff, so he could do the fight scenes in the end. That also limits you aesthetically, because it’s only ugly little geeks who feel the need to learn how to kick people in the head. Ashton Kutcher has never felt the need to learn a sidekick but Ozzy Osborne’s formerly fat drug addict son is now heavily into kickboxing. And I started at 15. ‘Nuff said. But the film recognized its limitation with him and actually doesn’t place too much focus on him. And two of my pet peeves are addressed 1) Unless speaking to him, the characters speak CHINESE, NOT ACCENTED ENGLISH!!! 2) Jackie Chan explains there is no such martial art as kung fu. “Kung fu” is the mastery of a discipline, any discipline. Eric Clapton is a “kung fu master” because he mastered the discipline needed to play the guitar at the level he does. Michael Jordan is a “kung fu master” in terms of basketball. “Wu Shu” is the correct term for Chinese martial arts. There is a Jet Li/Jackie Chan battle, but like I said, compared to what they both used to be (especially Chan) it’s seriously on the light side, even with Woo-Ping Yuen, master choreographer at work.

AKA THAT MOVIE WITH THE GUY’S DICK
Forgetting Sarah Marshall opens at number two and this is another one from the Apatow machine, with Freaks & Geeks and Knocked Up alum Jason Segel not only starring but writing the screenplay. Because Apatow neither wrote nor directed there is a tad more shading given to the women in story, both Kirsten Bell as the TV star girlfriend who dumps him and Mila Kunis as the hotel clerk who helps to heal him. You even discover she was not at total fault for dumping him, but this is still pretty much a dude’s movie and she has to be more wrong in the end while he’s right even though he obviously is a manchild who needed to grow up and only by her dumping his ass was he able to do so. But males with arrested development isn’t a genre Apatow and his buddies created, only mine it better than anyone in the last few years since Adam Sandler decided he wanted some respect. And I won’t lie, no matter what their flaws Apatow movies manage to draw some solid laughs from the most uncomfortable situations, beginning with getting dumped while you’re naked and refusing to get dressed (yes, full frontal male nudity alert). And I personally can only applaud the bunt and graphic treatment of sex. Sex has pretty much died in American film over the last 20 years because everyone wants the all-powerful PG13 to get the whole family in (as this week’s number one film demonstrates), but comedies have recently bucked the trend. Still, note that you can only put sex onscreen in mainstream films if you’re making fun of it (though maybe one day Apatow will hire a female lead who actually does nudity so we can dispense with “wearing a bra during sex” scenes). You will never see a drama where the male lead can’t get an erection and the female lead starts blowing him to help. All but stealing the film as Sarah Marshall’s new rock star boyfriend is Russell Brand whose performance ranges from idiocy to self-aware with masterful aplomb. The film refreshingly doesn’t make him a bad person. Even Jason Segel’s character admits he’s “a cool guy.” He’s just the guy she picked---who also happens to be an unrepentant hedonist, utterly oblivious to people who might be hurt by his pursuit of sexual pleasure. His instruction on sex techniques using giant chess pieces on the beach is only one of his film stealing moments.

“MY NAME IS ELI ROTH AND WELCOME TO BENNIGANS.”
Down to number three is Prom Night and speaking of the power of PG13, no wiser decision was made than to make movie about a prom, released in prom season and making it PG13 because this was one of the best openings of the year. And because I hated the horror snuff porn of Saw and the like so much, I hope this starts a whole new successful trend of PG13 horror to put those fuckers out of business, at least for awhile.

THAT’S AN HOUR AND TWENTY EIGHT MINUTES YOU’RE NEVER GETTING BACK
88 Minutes opens at number four and this just looks stupid beyond measure. Al Pacino is a criminal psychologist used by the FBI who gets a call saying he’s going to be killed in 88 minutes and things start happening to suggest it will happen. If anything happens but him going directly to the FBI and giving them the phone, then this is a stupid, stupid movie and it looks like that’s exactly what he doesn’t do. I’ve little tolerance for the “idiot plot” the plot that stops dead the moment every person involved stops acting like an idiot. What the hell is Al Pacino doing here anyway? This is an Anthony Hopkins type of whoring. He should stick to the Sean Connery plan it seemed he was following of making movies with hotter, younger actors (Johnny Depp, Russell Crowe, Matthew McConughey, Colin Farrell, Jamie Foxx) and stop trying to be the star. It’s “lion in winter” time, Al! Let someone else do the heavy lifting while you just steal the movie with a supporting role.

MORE ABOUT THE MONEY
Nim’s Island is down to number five, followed by 21 at number six, another argument for the power of PG13, having made $70M in a month with a $35M budget.

AND EVEN MORE ABOUT MONEY ‘CAUSE IT AIN’T CALLED “SHOW ART”
Speaking of younger actors for Al Pacino, Street Kings, the latest from his one time costar, Keanu Reeves, is down to number seven and before anyone screams, “Bomb!” know that this cost only $20M to make and has pretty much made that back. Foreign has yet to come in, but between the two this will be a profitable film and any director who can get this kind of a movie out of just $20M is a guy you want to hire. Everyone wins here. Similarly, Horton Hears A Who is down to number eight, having grossed $144M, but it cost $85, so it will need overseas and DVD to make profit like most mediocre animated flicks.

MEN’S NIPPLES: NO GREATER PROOF OF A LACK OF INTELLIGENT DESIGN
Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed opens at number nine and this is a documentary about “Intelligent Design” not being allowed in schools and it never ceases to amaze me how Christians in America continue to try and paint themselves as some sort of “victimized minority” simply because they don’t have the same stranglehold over the country the way they one had. This was funded by a right wing group who not only lied to scientists about the movie’s subject matter in order to get them to participate, they then intercut the scientists footage WITH HITLER AND THE NAZIS! They even lied to Ben Stein to get him to be in it (former Nixon speechwriter most famous for saying “Bueller? Bueller?” in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off). So yeah, it’s from the Michael Moore school of unbiased documentary making, meaning it’s just serving an agenda by any means necessary.

ANTHONY EDWARDS STILL WONDERS “WHY HIM AND NOT ME?”
Leatherheads closes out the top ten at number ten and I’m afraid this type of disappointment is only setting us up for an Ocean’s 14, which no one in the world needs. No. One. And it’s “Strike 2” for that dude from the Office that every woman seems to love. I don’t watch the show, so I couldn’t tell you if they’re right or all suffering from some state of mass delusion. But some people are simply meant only to be small screen stars. You put them on a big screen and suddenly it’s, “Wait, why did I like this person again?” And given how many misses Clooney still has as opposed to hits, he’s not as far from it as you think. The irony is, with her pinched face, Renee Zellweger probably couldn’t get a job on TV. So it was either movie star or nothing.

TO SIDEKICK OR NOT TO SIDEKICK, THAT IS THE QUESTION
Because I actually enjoyed the kung-fu lite of The Forbidden Kingdom, I went out and rented, Curse of the Golden Flower, which I always meant to see, but had left the theaters before I got around to it. Starring nothing less than Gong Li and Chow Yun Fat it’s the story of a ruthless emperor, his equally conniving wife and their three sons in the struggle for revenge and power climaxing with an awesome battle scene (with an equally impressive battle-clean-up scene following it and no, I’m not kidding). Imagine The Lion In Winter in China by way of Braveheart and a little Hamlet----but with kung fu. And like a good kung fu movie everybody knows some, from the emperor on down to the court doctor’s daughter. It’s also so fucking beautiful it almost hurts to see. The costumes and the colors are amazing, so I’m a little sad I didn’t see it on the big screen. Needless to say, it was nominated for an Oscar for Costume Design, but how it missed out on Art Direction and Set Design I’ll never know. I have to say, however, that the more I see Gong Li, the more I wonder why she’s considered one of the most beautiful women in the world. I’m just not feeling it. I’m putting it all down to stardom. Kinda like how Julia Roberts is seen as beautiful when she’s really just average. Oh, and big boobs. Gong Li’s got some knockers on her and don’t think they don’t come out to play during the course of this film.

THE NEVERENDING STORY
If you think you’re tired of my search for a martial arts school, imagine how I feel. On the upside I’m getting at least one or two workouts a week, but it still blows. First up was the disappointment of Professional Taekwondo on 23rd street between 7th and 8th. I was a bit suspicious by the name alone. I mean, what the fuck does that mean? It sounds like they’re training you for a career in taekwondo like one of those commercials for data processing on late night TV. As if there’s a career in kicking guys in the head that’s not in or against law enforcement (“Yo, I’m Tony ‘Nutcracker’ DiNunzio and I learn to collect for the Gambinos at Professional Taekwondo and so can you!”). Second, there was a negative online review of their east side location, complete with instructors hitting on a student (who later quit). But since this was the west side and I’m not a chick, I gave it a shot. The class itself wasn’t bad. Disciplined, good on basics and at the end there were even forms and one-step fighting techniques done. Aside from even the higher belts continually dropping their hands as they kicked (a good way to get knocked out), the downside came in the mystery of what was in the instructor’s hand. I couldn’t figure out what it was…until the music started. Not just music, bad dance music. He was holding a remote control for the sound systerm. It was only played at the beginning and the end of class, but it was still too much for me. Also, the forms were different and again, if I’m just going back, I’m going back to the same not something slightly different. As I’d decided it would be either taekwondo or kung fu (ironically, in The Forbidden Kingdom someone with taekwondo gets his assed kicked by kung fu) my next stop was the Chinese Kung Fu Wu Shu Association, which took me to the west 20’s for the third time on this little quest. This initially seemed to be an old school place, as they don’t let students take more than two classes a week so they can monitor their development, but when I got there the atmosphere was sufficiently casual and the highest minority quotient I’d seen since I started (as The Last Dragon taught us, Bruthas love themselves some kung fu). One woman even brought her infant son who was watched over by her pre-teen daughter during the class. Judging by the reaction, this was not uncommon and people smiled at his chatter during the class. It was someone’s birthday so he got the special birthday treatment: he had to spar every single person in class. I don’t know if you know anything about fighting, but it’s as taxing as hell. You become exhausted in a matter of minutes and he was up there forever. He pretty much sat out the rest of the class. And this was light-contact, pad-free sparring. I could hear flesh on flesh contact from across the room, which made me wince a bit. I came on a bad night because this night was devoted to tumbling techniques. They broke out the mats and did all sorts of flips and tumbles…and that is simply not happening with my 41-year-old body. Nope. No way, no day. And did I mention the music that played for the entire two hours? What the fuck is it with the music. Who can’t study martial arts without a fucking soundtrack like they’re in a movie!?! It wasn’t obnoxious dance music, nor was it the crappy Asian-theme stuff form NY Shaolin, but it still irked me a bit. But even the technique of the less-experienced students seemed solid and if the presence of kids wasn’t a clue, the atmosphere was very communal. Nonetheless, the search continues. I’ve got yet another Shaolin place to see (there’s only like a couple hundred in the city) and I’m going to have suck it up and travel even further downtown for another taekwondo place. Tribeca to be precise. But never, ever the east side! Death before a crosstown bus!

WASTING AWAY AGAIN IN YOU-KNOW-WHERE…
It actually rose to over 75 degrees and you know what that means!?! First frozen margaritas of the season! Oh, daddy has missed you so! Of course this only drives the urgency of finding someplace to work out even more. Things that taste wonderful are rarely kind to the gut. Sadly, I gave my “fat jeans” to the Salvation Army years ago. Sigh.

ONE MORE TRY
I have to admit it, I’m a George Michael fan. I’m enough of a George Michael fan that I watched every episode of Eli Stone just because he was an occasional guest star and despite the fact he’s obviously gotten one of those really a bad eye jobs desperate celebs get in their 40’s (which is why he never takes his sunglasses off anymore). I even contemplated buying this latest greatest hits, “25” because unlike the first greatest hits a decade ago (Ladies and Gentlemen: The Best of George Michael) this not only includes Wham songs, but they remastered everything. Fuckers. But I won’t get it because it doesn’t have some of the Wham stuff I want, like the last two hits “Edge of Heaven” and “I’m Your Man.” And I’m not going to his show either. It’s going to be a sea of middle age women and their middle-aged gay best friends. In other words, it would be like going to see Madonna.

BILLY JACK WOULD UNDERSTAND

1. Prom Night/SGem Wknd/$ 22.7 Total/$ 22.7
2. Street Kings/FoxS Wknd/$ 12.0 Total/$ 12.0
3. 21/Sony Wknd/$ 11.0 Total/$ 62.3
4. Nim’s Island/Fox Wknd/$ 9.0 Total/$ 25.3
5. Leatherheads/Universal Wknd/$ 6.2 Total/$ 21.9
6. Horton Hears A Who/Fox Wknd/$ 6.0 Total/$ 139.6
7. Smart People/Miramax Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 4.2
8. The Ruins/Paramount/Dream Wknd/$ 3.3 Total/$ 13.4
9. Superhero Movie/MGM Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 21.2
10. Drillbit Taylor/Paramount Wknd/$ 2.1 Total/$ 28.5

YOU KNOW WHAT’S SCARIER? MY ACTUAL PROM NIGHT.
Prom Night opens at number one and aside from my usual rule of “not doing the scary” I also saw the original with Jamie Lee Curtis during her “scream queen” reign and honestly, I prefer that plotline of someone killing people off revenge in their complicity for the death of a child to this, an obsessed teacher slaughters a girl’s family then her friends. As I get older, I just have less and less of a tolerance of mindless slaughter, much less the mindless slaughter of characters that are essentially innocent. I mean, where’s the fun in that? Not to mention, innocent people are rarely ever interesting to begin with, so the time following them before they die is dull. The original Prom Night also had a totally gratuitous scene where Jamie Lee Curtis shakes her ass on the dance floor and on her best day, this little girl simply cannot compare to Jamie lee Curtis in her prime. No way, no day.

SAN DIEGO CONFIDENTIAL?
Street Kings opens at number two and imagine if Russell Crowe’s character and Kim Basinger’s character eventually had a son who looked like Keanu Reeves and moved back to LA to become a cop like his dad in the same brutal manner. If you like that idea then you’ll love Street Kings, because Keanu Reeves is essentially the same type of unstoppable, force-of-nature-killing machine of a cop that everyone knows and fears. The film opens up with him killing a house filled with the kidnappers of a pair of twin girls, similar to Crowe’s rescue of the rape victim in LA Confidential, all the way down to him placing guns in their hands after he’s shot them. Also, like LA Confidential, there are apparently no good cops in LA, but cops who do bad things for the right reasons and cops who are just bad. And if Keanu Reeves is Russell Crowe’s son, then Chris Evans is grandson of Guy Pearce’s Exley, the ambitious pretty boy detective and Forrest Whittaker is the bastard son of Police Chief Dudley, who unleashes Keanu Reeves. Needless to say, this comes from the pen of James Ellroy, who wrote LA Confidential and whose novels are about the nastier side of LA, especially law enforcement. This doesn’t have nearly as Byzantine a plot, mainly because you’re only following one character around. Like Russell Crowe, Keanu Reeves is tortured, only he’s not tortured by an abusive childhood, but a dead wife. But rather than a hooker with a heart of gold to help ease his pain, there’s a nurse, whose role is so miniscule, you could have removed her outright with no real impact on his character. Keanu Reeves is obviously not the actor Russell Crowe was so they compensate by having him kill even more people, cops and criminals alike, with and without weapons, brushing off bullet wounds like mosquito bites.

YOU KNOW IT’S BAD WHEN THE ENGLISH GUYS ARE SEX SYMBOLS
21 is down to number three and aside from given Kate Bosworth’s career a much-needed shot in the arm, it finally gives Jim Sturgess’s career a foothold in the states. Yes, another English guy taking work away from American actors because he proves you can be good looking and talented. I mean, would you rather see Shia LeBouf here? I know I wouldn’t and I’m pretty sure Kate Bosworth is grateful to be spared that love scene with him too. In fact, she’s the latest in an impressive list, as Sturgess was with Rachel Evan Wood in Across The Universe and was also in The Other Boleyn Girl with Natalie Portman and Scarlet Johansson. All he’s missing now is a few Jessicas (Biel, Simpson, Alba). That’s the difference between being a hot young actor and a hot young actress. If you’re a hot young actor, you have hot young actresses as your love interests. If you’re a hot young actress, you have middle-aged actors as your love interests.

I LOVE YOU, PINCH-FACE!
Nim’s Island is down to number four, followed by Leatherheads at number five and I am a Renee Zellweger fan and I don’t care what’s going on with her face. She can do no wrong for me. Between Bridget Jones and Chicago, she’s got a long way to go before her goodwill is exhausted. And while this breaks no new ground for her it’s still better than the mediocre animated work she keeps doing (Bee Movie, Shark Tale). Someone should tell her agent about this place called Pixar…

SMARTS AND THE CITY
Horton Hears A Who is down to number six, followed by Smart People opening at number seven and this was supposedly a big hit at Sundance and charm of the actors aside, I can’t imagine why. Dennis Quaid plays a misanthropic widowed Carnegie Mellon professor who has raised two very smart kids, a son who doesn’t seem to care too much for him and a daughter who is becoming a similarly unhappy version of him (we see Quaid eating his lunches alone and find out later she does the same). Into this comes Thomas Hayden Church as Quaid’s charming adopted ner-do-well brother (we know he’s charming because we first meet him Xeroxing his crotch to the delight of the ladies at Carnegie Mellon) and Sarah Jessica Parker as a former student who is now the ER doctor that winds up taking care of Quaid after an accident. In the fine tradition of film, the non-intellectual brother and introduction of a new love helps to jolt Quaid back to life. I know this because it happens, not because I saw anything change in him onscreen. Quaid stays in his curmudgeon persona pretty much without change so it’s a bit shocking when he’s suddenly in bed with Sarah Jessica Parker. Similarly, Thomas Hayden Church just makes wiseass remarks most of the time, which somehow aids in this. The irony is, at one point Quaid actually admits there’s been no great change in him, only that he has hope of it and apparently this is enough. Then there’s Ellen Page as the smart daughter who is starving for affection and as a result of her uncle’s attentions makes a move on him, prompting him to start spending his nights in his nephew’s dorm room (you’d think such a charming rogue could just get a girlfriend, but apparently he’s lost without a copying machine). Her issues are given only the most surface explanation and no real attempt at solution other than, “Hey, go be happy.” And if you’re looking for an exploration or resolution with his son, look elsewhere, because apparently he wasn’t a priority with the filmmakers. I guess that’s why we don’t see him in any of the advertising. And for a movie that’s about a family of academics (the son writes a poem the New York buys just as dad’s book on literary criticism gets published) aside from few ten-dollar words tossed about in an SAT discussion, the conversation really doesn’t reflect that of intellectuals. Compare it to the characters in Woody Allen films. There’s was never any question you were dealing with overly intellectual people, but here, like in so many other aspects, you only know because people say so, not because of anything conveyed onscreen. I mean, if Ellen Page is so brilliant why doesn’t she get a full scholarship to Stanford instead of the cost of it being some kind of issue? There would have been more dramatic tension over it if there were no question of her being able to leave home.

NO THE MOVIE’S TITLE IS NOT A COMMENTARY ON HER CAREER
The Ruins is down to number eight and if Ellen Page is the latest indie film princess, then Jena Malone was one of her predecessors, also playing the not-conventionally attractive girl advanced beyond her years (as all indie girls do to justify the sexual situations indie directors place them in, see Ricci, Christina) in movies like The Dangerous Live of Altar Boys, Donnie Darko, Saved, Life As House and most recently, Into The Wild. And she didn’t just talk the talk, she walked the walk, speaking openly on her conception as a one night stand and later legally winning emancipation from her mother at 15. She also is blunt about taking a role like this to make herself more marketable after deliberately walking away from it. Doing a horror film is a wise move as I’ve mentioned before, but next time get yourself a nice slasher remake like Prom Night and stay away from movies about KILLER PLANTS! I still cannot get over the total lameness of it. I won’t even get into how the natives know the place has killer plants but have never bothered to, oh I don’t know BURN THE FUCKING PLACE WITH GASOLINE!

THE END
Superhero Movie is down to number nine with Drillbit Taylor closing out the top ten at number ten.

WHERE’S THE FUN IF I CAN’T KICK PEOPLE IN THE HEAD
So my martial arts search continued for another week. First off was New York Shaolin, the one that had been closed the previous Saturday and sent me to the jiu-jitsu class. I had high hopes for it but was pretty much immediately disappointed by the lack of sharpness from the higher belts (though a Chinese style they wear gi’s from a time when the grandmaster had to leave China and had to disguise it as Japanese style). Then there was the kid who was blue belt and had zero discipline. I mean that’s kind of the goal of teaching kids martial arts, giving them discipline. I’m starting to realize that even though I took taekwondo in a freaking sports club, I was incredibly fortunate, because so many flat out schools fail to meet the standards my instructor set. Every class was strong on basics because if you can’t throw a simple punch, or block, a jumping spinning inside out crescent kick was pretty useless to you (and yes, there was a time in my life I could throw a jumping, spinning inside-out crescent kick). It also means that as a first timer you wouldn’t get lost. Not so here. Nothing was ever really explained, it was just watch and catch up. Now there is a precedent to this in martial arts, but that’s a really hardcore type of teaching where you sink or swim and this was anything but a hardcore place. Hardcore places don’t have water breaks (hell, in my kendo class, the sensei told us not to drink water and would turn a hose of cold water on us in the shower afterwards). Again not even the cute blonde girl with the pixie cut (who is an actress I’ve seen in commercials though I can’t remember it right now) could motivate me. At least not with those weak kicks of hers. And no, I’m not being a taekwondo “kicking snob.” All the techniques, seemed…sloppy. Next on the journey was Seido Karate on 23rd street between 5th and 6th. This is the end result of nagging from an old friend who studied there with her husband. She was the manager of the video store where I once worked and I would occasionally house and dog-sit for them. She was tall and wore her hair (which changed colors regularly) Annie Lennox short and was attractive enough to once have none other than Jodie Foster put the moves on her---much to the chagrin of the out and proud lesbian assistant manager. So, every time I complain about martial arts, Annie Lennox sends me an email telling me to try her old school so finally I did. And she was right. It’s a good place. Strong basics and bears the unique standard of actually being the headquarters of its particular style. The trial class was only about half an hour but was unique in that the instructor took us to a separate part of the dojo rather than have us sit in with a class. I was fortunate enough to take my trial class alongside another potential student who also had a martial arts background so he didn’t have to baby us. Everything was tiptop but karate is just too similar to taekwondo to make it interesting to me. I’d feel as though I was wasting my background to do something that close. I might as well just go back to where I started. Also, there was something not doing head shots when sparring. Excuse me? How can you train and not take shots at people’s heads!?! That’s your first freaking target, groin notwithstanding! It’s also the source of probably my best moment in martial arts. When I was 17 I was sparring with my burly, bearded instructor and at one point I actually reached that place they call “the zone” where you can tell your body to do anything and it does it. I told my body that when he threw a jab, to feint a kick to his chest with my front leg then go up and tap him gently on the head. To both my surprise and his, it did just that. It may be unrealistic, but that’s kinda where I’d like to get back to and I can’t at someplace that doesn’t allow for it. So even though one of the best so far (the other being the first taekwondo place I tried out almost a year ago), I’m taking a pass, though it did cement in me the decision to either go back to taekwondo or do kungfu. To that end, the next stop was Hung Ga kungfu, back in the west 20’s (apparently were a lot of schools are as it’s still a crappy neighborhood). This was another good place. Disciplined but not totally hardassed. Strong on basics, I went in with the regular class, though a higher-ranking student was instructed to help me with the techniques. Also, at a certain point he took myself and the other guy (also on a search though he told me he’d actually hauled his ass out to Queens, while I won’t even leave the west side) aside to work on a technique while the others worked on more advanced procedures. We did it over and over and over which is very important because repetition is the key. And at the end of class was more killer conditioning. It’s definitely the number one contender at this point, though I was disappointed to find out forms are a separate class. I’ve got one more kungfu school to see and two more taekwondo places. Then something’s got to give, because the weather is getting warmer and there’ll be no more winter clothing to hide my new gut and bigger man boobs. Hell, people will think I’m that pregnant man that’s been in the news.

OSCAR’S GONNA KICK YOUR ASS…OR THANK YOU!
Rock of Love wrapped up and I’m a bit surprised he actually made the adult decision to got with a stable age appropriate woman than the utterly fucked up woman-child known as Daisy de La Hoya. Yes, the niece of Oscar, who was probably saved from a career in porn (for now at least) by being on this show. I still say crazy-ass Kristy Jo can walk in and take him and I’m hoping that’s what will happen on the reunion show.

IN PRAISE OF OLDER WOMEN…WHO DRINK

So the weekend arrives and I’m doing what I normally do. No, not that. What I normally do when I actually to dare leave my apartment: drink with chicks. However this week I was fortunate enough to be drinking with chicks my own age. Angelina Jolie Smile returned and this time with a friend of hers who’d bought a studio in one of the many new buildings in my neighborhood as a pied a terre as well as an investment (see what life could be like if you actually have some idea of what to do with it). The girls planned to use it as an occasional retreat from their lives in suburbia. I was a bit worried our conversations would be a tad muted because I assume people have friends as varied as mine, which is why I’m kinda afraid to ever put all you bitches together in the same room. I fear a spilling of blood and the loud scream, “How could you ever be friends with that bitch!?!” I didn’t think AJ Smile and I would be able to talk as freely as we normally do with her pal around. I shouldn’t’ have worried. Anal sex and strap-ons were discussed before the first drink even hit the table and truly delved into afterwards. We had dinner at Hell’s Kitchen, which is a very good Mexican fusion place on 9th Avenue, and I always have a good meal there. This was no different. However, it was a bit a bit dark, so when her friend made a comment about all the people from India who live in New Jersey, I wasn’t sure what to make of her. It was only in the light that I discovered she actually was Indian so it was a joke she was making and not a slightly racist statement. Yeah, another proud moment for me. I thought I’d be taking them on a drinking tour of the whole three places I can stand in my neighborhood, but they were happy retreating to the studio to drink on the rooftop in a one of the roof units some of the residents had. They’re all little gated allotments, which is a pretty smart idea, allowing your residents some privacy even on the roof. We drank there for awhile then headed back down to the apartment where I learned about the many joys of the suburban housewife living, such as hippie neighbors propositioning threesomes and Halloween drinking parties in your cul-de-sac, while the husbands handle the trick-or-treating. We killed two bottles and probably would have done in a third if we’d had it, so young or old my consistency in friends remains the same. But judging by the headache I had the next day and the one I had from my night out of drinking with the Jezebel girls, I may be getting too old for this shit. Either that or I need to give up wine with all its sugar and switch to vodka. Yeah, I need to drink vodka.

HOW DO YOU SAY, “DISGRACE TO YOUR FAMILY” IN SPANISH?
Viva Hollywood started on VH1 and it’s about time Latinos were allowed to embarrass themselves in front of the nation the way Blacks and Whites have been doing for years. And they didn’t waste any time at all, starting with Maria Conchito Alonzo’s age-inappropriate see-through dress and the reaction of the guy who revealed he first jerked off to her. Like 99% of all non-Spanish speaking people, I could give a crap about the Spanish soap operas called telenovellas, so I probably won’t be back for this.

LEMON FILLED DOUGHNUTS RULE!

1. 21/Sony Wknd/$ 15.1 Total/$ 46.5
2. Leatherheads/Universal Wknd/$ 13.5 Total/$ 13.5
3. Nim’s Island/Fox Wkdn/$ 13.3 Total/$ 13.3
4. Horton Hears A Who/Fox Wknd/$ 9.1 Total/$ 131.1
5. The Ruins/Paramount/Dream Wknd/$ 7.8 Total/$ 7.8
6. Superhero Movie/MGM Wknd/$ 5.4 Total/$ 16.9
7. Meet The Browns/Lions Gate Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 37.8
8. Drillbit Taylor/Paramount Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 25.6
9. Shutter/ Fox Wknd/$ 2.9 Total/$ 23.2
10. 10,000 B.C./Warner Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 89.3

BLONDE FAILURE
21 amazingly holds at number one, giving Kate Bosworth her second try to be the hot young thing that was squandered after Blue Crush fell below expectations (though I still like to watch it on USA which runs it like every other weekend), then with crap like Win A Date With Tad Hamilton (also pissing away Topher Grace’s heat), Beyond The Sea (she was a perfect Sandra Dee but Kevin Spacey was simply too fucking old to play Bobby Darin) and don’t get me started on the horrible miscasting as Lois Lane in Superman Returns. Perfect casting would have been as The Invisible Girl for The Fantastic Four. I’m probably one of the three people (the other two being her parents) who also saw her in Rules of Attraction (a great little dark movie) and Wonderland where she played the girlfriend of John Holmes. So she does get points for working both the indie and Hollywood mainstream routes, but ultimately she wound up being most famous as the girlfriend of Orlando Bloom, who also can’t seem to solidly grab success. Maybe he should make a gambling movie too.

HORSE FEATHERS IS ONLY 68 MINUTES LONG
Leatherheads opens at number two and this was George Clooney’s attempt to make an old-fashioned screwball comedy and he did a pretty good job of it. Set in the 20’s before the depression it tells the story of the growth of professional football into a legitimate sport, with no small commentary on the price that was paid for it. But that’s not what it’s really about it. It’s about George Clooney as the fast talking huckster making it happen and Renee Zellweger as the fast talking reporter who winds up covering in while actually on an assignment to bring down the national war hero and college star who can make Clooney’s dreams come true, John Krasinski. If they actually made this in the 30’s, Clooney’s role is totally Clark Gable, with Barbara Stanwyck in the Renee Zellweger role (yeah, yeah, yeah, Carole Lombard too, but that was a bit too obvious) and for the all American football player Joel McCrea or Jimmy Stewart might have filled the role. It’s almost two hours long and didn’t need to be. If they’d cranked up the pace to the levels of the 30’s and 40’s they could have told the same story in 90 minutes.

THE COWARDLY ONE
Nim’s Island opens at number three and with Horton Hears A Who down to number four, and unlike Jim Carrey, for Jodie Foster this both a superstar’s indulgence for her kids and a return from whence she started, family films (Taxi Driver not withstanding). I personally have fond memories of Jodie Foster’s Freaky Friday, though I hesitate to see it again today for fears of it suffering through my adult eyes and in comparison to the very good Lindsay Lohan version. This is based on a book that your average parent may know about but is news to me. And while it is possible to make a children’s film that adults also would enjoy, this doesn’t seem to be the case. The trailer I saw was appealing the lowest common kiddie denominator and quelled any interest in seeing Jodie Foster finally do something where she’s not suffering for a change. Know who else was wasted here? Gerald Butler. Foster plays a reclusive author and Gerald Butler is Indiana Jones type hero she writes about. He helps guide her on her own adventure that leads to Abigail Breslin, who is a fan of the books. As Romancing The Stone showed, a great part of that wouldn’t make a bad movie. As shit movie shows it can also make just that.

REVENGE OF THE HYDRAILAS!
Horton Hears A Who is down to number four, followed by The Ruins opening at number five and my interest in killer plants begins and ends with Day of the Triffids, which at least were alien killer plants. Do you think they make movies in other countries about their stupid young people who come to America and die horrible deaths because they do incredibly dumb things like choosing to go and explore an ancient temple not in any guidebook? Or in the case of New York would it be the horror movie known as “The Brownstone.” Or in California “The Split Level Ranch.” Either way, I hope they think of something better than killer plants. Yeah, having them wiggle around inside you while you try and cut them out is pretty horrible, but you know what’s worse? ANYTHING BUT A PLANT!

GEEK CONSISTANCY
Superhero Movie is down to number six and this isn’t this director’s first shot at making fun of superheroes. Years ago when Mystery Men was a big Hollywood release (and subsequent failure) there was a smaller release called The Specials with Rob Lowe and future Sandman, Thomas Hayden Church. It was done as mockumentary, so obviously the director is serious, serious geek. And fat too.

THE LAST PIECE OF WRITER’S STRIKE FALLOUT
Down to number seven is Tyler Perry’s Meet The Browns followed by Drillbit Taylor at number eight and Shutter at nine and do you ever wonder who the hell is still going to see movies like Shutter this far down the line? Newer films have opened, but three weeks later there’s someone eschewing them to go see this. Who are these people? There needs to be a study done and maybe a vaccine made to help them.

EVIL CRAP DIVIDED LEAVES YOU WITH EVIL AND CRAP BOTH
Finally, 10,000 BC closes out the top ten at number ten and if you wonder why Roland Emmerich’s movies seem to be getting even worse than they were before (and that’s saying something), it’s because he broke with his long time partner, Dean Devlin, who was---and I use this term loosely---the writer, while Emmerich directed.. He’s now the driving force behind that saddest of guilty pleasures, The Librarian movies on TNT. And yes, there is another one coming. And yes, I will see it because if nothing else, it casts B & C-list actresses that I like, such as Kelly Hu and Gabrielle Anwar. And how can you beat Bob Newhart in anything?

WHEN SHABBA DOO GOES I WILL CRY FOR A WEEK
Death took a big one this time, Moses himself, Charlton Heston. He announced he was suffering from early Alzheimer’s a few years ago, so I’m sure in its own way this was a type of mercy. Also, the man was like two hundred years old and had an amazing life. Don’t cry for him Argentina. Cry instead for Eddie Levert who is burying his second son, Sean, in less than a year’s time (Gerald died last year). This is wrong on a level I cannot describe. Also having met the Grim Reaper recently is Richard Widmark, who set a new bad guy standard in Kiss of Death many years ago. And pop and lock one time in the memory of Frosty Freeze of the Rock Steady Crew who also died last week.

AND THE CRADLE WILL UPTEMPO ADULT CONTEMPARARY R&B LITE ROCK!
Cradle of Rock is my latest guilty reality show pleasure and notable for being the first time I’ve watched MTV in about a decade. They’re still milking The Real World? Didn’t God let them know how much he hated this show by killing one of the creators a few years ago? The premise is simple: children of stars compete for a recording contract. It’s Bobby Brown’s son, who thankfully got his mother’s looks, but none of his father’s stage presence, probably because he’s not crazy. There’s Olivia Newton John’s daughter who lost the genetic lottery and looks nothing like her mother or pretty boy father, Matt Lattanzi (best known as the star of My Tutor), though she does a nice voice that’s probably better suited for theater. But she’s a little messed up (anorexia) so show business is perfect for her. Eddie Money’s daughter seems to be the best prepared for it probably because she’s got a straight up New York dad, who’s loving but pulls no punches. Compare that to Joe Walsh’s daughter who chose to sing a Don Henley song, which should tell you all you need to know about that relationship (Joe also refused to participate in this show). You won’t know Roy Johnston by name (he sang all the Doobie Brothers stuff Michael McDonald didn’t sing), but his daughter who is a little girl with a big voice in the Christina Aguilera mode. A little too normal for show business. Also too normal is MC Hammer’s daughter, who sings, not raps (thank god) and is smart enough to actually be in college. There’s Al B. Sure’s son who wins the title for dumbest name with Lil’ B Sure and seriously lost the genetic lottery, getting almost none of his dad’s looks and not even that pussy falsetto daddy did that made so many 80’s panties drop. The son of Dee Snider who was dumb enough to try and do Led Zeppelin song and blew it. And then there’s Kenny Loggins’s kid, playing the humble troubadour singer/songwriter card a little to hard, but probably gets laid like no one’s business because of it. He also lacks some stage presence. In addition to having the parents watch from the peanut gallery, they have Belinda Carlisle as a judge and Britney Spears’ once and future manager, Larry Rudolph. They’re they best because they gave the harshest judgments because they don’t have to suck up to the parents. Sadly, I will watch this to the bitter end. Especially now that Rock of Love II is wrapping up.

NEXT I’LL BE GOING TO THE WU TANG CLAN FOR INSTRUCTION
So my quest for martial arts school continues. This weekend I headed to a free class at one place on 29th street between 7th & 8th Avenue only to find it closed for a seminar of some sort in Central Park. But it wasn’t a wasted trip because just six feet from the building I ran into my old sparring partner, a guy I literally have not seen in twenty years. While I didn’t formally study in college, I would work out on my own and once a week he and I would get together and beat the crap out of each other. He was much more immersed in the martial arts community than I was and after awhile we kinda had a crowd of all types of guys happy to kick each other in the head. In any case, he was headed in for his jiu-jitsu (Japanese, not Brazilian for those of you who know something) class in the same building. I’ve had people tell me that time has been good to me, despite the fact that I stopped sleeping 8 hours a night in my early 20’s. Well, now I finally understood how they felt. Time was very good to him as he looks the same in his 50’s as he did in his 30’s when I first met him. He honestly looked not a day older, except for a little more weight and his hair now totally gray, but not a strand missing. Speaking of weight, the first thing he said to me was, “Sorry I didn’t recognize you at first because of the additional girth.” Ouch. No man wants to hear the word “girth” applied to him ever by a) another dude and b) with his pants still on. Girth is only for being naked in front of women. Then all you want to hear is surprise at one’s girth. It so traumatized me I had to have a lemon filled doughnut from Krispy Kreme on the way home (hey, I walked there and back which is a solid 4 miles). Sparring Partner had always studied a variety of arts, so it was no surprise that he was doing jiu-jitsu or that he was a black belt in it. After all it had been 20 years. He was also by his description “a crazy rank” in the karate style where I’d last known him. I had no real interest in jiu-jitsu, but I didn’t want to waste the walk or the reacquaintence, so I sat in to watch not just the class, but also the testing following. I’d tried judo and aikido in college and while aikido was bit too esoteric for me, judo was just too brutal. I left every class with my head ringing and judo actually comes from jiu-jitsu. All these trapping and locking arts may be a bit more practical for street life (when Ultimate Fighting first started, Royce Gracie, a Brazilian jiu-jitsu artist) won it for years), but I never really cottoned to them. I need to kick people in the head. Then there was the “warming of the body” part of the class, where they lightly punch and kick each other. Oh, hell no. Bad enough you’re going to be tossed around and slammed into the mat a couple dozen times each class, but the warm up is letting people punch you!?! I’m too old for all that shit. Not even the pretty Englishwoman in the class (who looked and sounded like Catherine McCormack) could motivate me. But I can’t deny the instructors were very good. Not overly hard-assed, but disciplined while remaining very sensitive to their students. This was very clear in the testing, when while pushing a green belt tester to his limits, the sensei would stop and whisper to him, at one point even one pressing her forehead to his. Also, when he was clearly running out of steam the other sensei and sempai would shout encouragement to him during breaks and take deep loud deep breaths as if to help him breathe. Still, that being thrown around is bullshit and I felt the need to ice my limbs in sympathy afterwards. I left before it was over because two hours was my limit for something I had no real interest in doing. And I really needed that doughnut.

MADONNA HATES CHILDREN
Okay, so Madonna’s single with Justin Timberlake sucks as badly as did her single with Britney. There’s a way to suck the blood of youth to prolong your own life and she just doesn’t know how to do it. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s just part of her plan to destroy the next generation so she will continue to reign supreme.