FLASHIERDANCE

1. The Final Destination 3D/WB Wknd/$ 28.3 Total/$ 28.3

2. Inglorious Basterds/Weinstein Wknd/$ 20.0 Total/$ 73.8

3. Halloween 2/Weinstein Wknd/$ 17.4 Total/$ 17.4

4. District 9/TriStar Wknd/$ 10.7 Total/$ 90.8

5. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra/Paramount Wknd/$ 8.0 Total/$ 132.4

6. Julie & Julia/Sony Wknd/$ 7.4 Total/$ 71.0

7. The Time Traveler’s Wife/Paramount Wknd/$ 6.7 Total/$ 48.2

8. Shorts/Warner Brothers Wknd/$ 4.9 Total/$ 13.6

9. Taking Woodstock/Focus Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 3.8

10. G-Force/Disney Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 111.8

INGMAR BERGMAN’S THE FINAL DESTINATION 3D

The Final Destination 3D opens at number one and no matter what I can only see this as the X-Files episode it was meant to be. The original was written and directed by two X-Files vets, James Wong and Glenn Morgan and tell me you can’t just see Mulder dragging Scully to a small town where a bunch of kids are dying mysteriously and it turns out they all escaped a disaster that should have killed them and Mulder is insisting it’s Death collecting what its due. And that’s still more interesting than watching a bunch of kids die, I don’t care how imaginative you are about it. It all boils down to someone screaming while dying horribly and while still better than the “torture porn” movement, still not something I’m interested in seeing. It only works for me if the people are working to fight it and not simply being slaughtered one by one. More interesting is to see Death modify its attempt to counteract a survival attempt like a chess match. You escape getting caught in the seaweed and drowning, but didn’t see that Death had set up a speedboat just as reached the surface. And if you see the speedboat, you probably didn’t see the shark. Bergman understood you have to play chess with Death.

BASICALLY YOU CAN PUT –PLOISTATION BEHIND ANYTHING YOU LIKE

Speaking of “torture porn” Inglorious Basterds is down to number two and director Eli Roth, who brought us Hostel, is also in this and that’s another reason I don’t want to see it. I hate his films and I hate him, but the reasons I do are clearly the same as to why Tarantino likes him: he makes exploitation films and freely admits it. He flat out tells you that Hostel was exploiting the current animosity between Europe and the United States. He’s exploiting the situation for his film. This is no doubt how he wound up with a role in both Death Trap and this, because Tarantino is all about the exploitation genre and this is actually part of the Nazi-ploistation film genre of the 70’s when the original came out, alongside films like Ilsa She Wolf of the SS.

THIS MY JUDGMENT BASED ON SEEING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

Halloween 2 is down to number three and are you kidding me? First Rob Zombie admittedly made a big stink about how he’d never do the sequel, but changed his mind when he says he realized he’d have more freedom because he felt “obligated” to do certain things in the first one out of respect to John Carpenter. Bullshit. What he saw were the checks that came rolling in. He’s just a big a hack as anyone in Hollywood. Whatever “street cred” he had from his rock background and earlier features has been completely eroded by this.

ACTUAL FACT: CASTLE WOLFENSTEIN IS BEING MADE INTO A MOVIE

District 9 is down to number four and if the guns used here seem familiar it’s because the director and Peter Jackson were supposed to do a Halo movie and the success of this brings them one step closer.

ON THE OTHER HAND, HE’S GETTING PAID NOT TO SUCK ONSCREEN

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is down to number five and also in this is Shaun Wayans in the “Wisecracking Black Sidekick” role and to show you either a) how Hollywood is fucked up or b) how good his agent is, he’s still getting paid for not playing Robin in Tim Burton’s Batman sequel. No, I’m not kidding. Can you imagine getting paid almost 20 years later for a job you didn’t do? Damn, I’m so in the wrong line of work. I’m a wiseass black guy who didn’t do shit 20 years ago. Somebody pay me!

ETC

Julie and Julia is down to number six, followed by The Time Traveler’s Wife at number seven and Shorts at number eight and here picking up a quick family film check are Jon Cryer, James Spader and William H. Macy. So is Leslie Mann, but honestly, without being Mrs. Judd Apatow, this is where she’d be anyway.

ALSO THERE ARE LESS OF THEM AROUND

Taking Woodstock finally enters the top ten at number nine and nothing prompts an eyeroll like the never-ending self-mythologizing of the baby boomers. It’s not as bad as it was in the 80’s because…well, they’re all entering Social Security/retirement age and don’t have a stranglehold on the economy they way they once did. They’re just too old now to do it. Once upon a time this would have been a MAJOR MOTION PICTURE rather than just an indie flick. I guess Viagra and regularity concerns are taking up more of their time these days.

THE END

Finally, G-Force is down to number ten.

STEP UP TO FLASH THAT LAST DANCE IN CENTER STAGE

I’m a bit of a sucker for a dance movie so long as it’s not a street dance movie. No You Got Serveds or Step It Ups for me. Give me some Center Stage if you want my time. That said, I was intrigued by the trailers for the clearly naked Flashdance remake called Make It Happen. Lousy title, clearly inspired by Step It Up, it’s the story of a small town girl who comes to the big city to attend dance school, only to wind up a bookkeeper in a, yes, burlesque club (because young girls who need money don’t seem to strip) thanks to the help of a Friendly Negro and when a dancer is out, yes, she steps up to become a star, much to the chagrin of the Bitchy Diva Star! But her dreams of the Chicago School of Dance will not be denied and she returns to the school that said she wasn’t sensual or sexy enough, utilizing her new stripper---I mean, burlesque experience and…well, I don’t want to spoil it for you. But what makes this a fun bad movie is that whenever she does street dancing, she puts a hoodie on. Hmmm, that couldn’t be so the dance double can come in could in. It’s hysterical because it’s so blatant and shameless! And as if that weren’t enough, she dances in the dark! Even at home by herself, she doesn’t turn on the lights! Now, how is it that every single female lead in D.O.A., a martial arts movie, has a background in dance but they couldn’t find an appropriate dancer for a movie about dance!?! Not that Mary Elizabeth Winstead (best known to you as Bruce Willis’ daughter in Live Free or Die Hard and apparently a distant cousin to Eva Gardner) doesn’t have a background in dance, but apparently it’s so purely ballet she couldn’t learn anything else. And apparently rhythm wasn’t on the menu at Joffrey in Chicago either.

ARE YOU ALIVE? SEMI FAMOUS? THEN DEATH IS LOOKING FOR YOU.

Death ends its merciless “Summer of Death” showing no one is safe, be it a statesman from a revered political family or a DJ with a drug problem. Clearly, the big fish this week was Senator Edward Kennedy, but again is it really that much of a shock when a 70-something man with brain cancer dies? I think not. 83-year-old Dommick Dunne, who would have been the first person to counteract looking back at Kennedy’s life through rose-colored glasses dies almost at the same time. Coincidence…or conspiracy? Also, 86-year-old Don Hewitt, who created 60 Minutes passed away. This man seriously made a mark on his world. No need to mourn here. 94-year-old Les Paul, the man without whom all modern music would not be possible, was needed to complete the greatest band in the afterlife. Continuing on with music, Ellie Greenwich died. She was one of the great Brill Building writers and the songstress behind some of the greatest girl group songs of the 60’s like “Be My Baby” and “Leader of the Pack” not to mention “Da Doo Ron Ron” (I’m a blasphemer and prefer the Shaun Cassidy version) and “Doo Wah Diddy” made the most famous, ironically, not by its chart success in the 60’s, but by Bill Murray singing it in Stripes. She also discovered Neil Diamond. Now that’s some shit. And from the sublime to the slightly ridiculous though sad, DJ AM, aka, Adam Goldstein, best known for dating Mandy Moore and Nicole Richie than his music skills (and openly admitted he couldn’t command the same money without dating someone famous), who survived that horrible plane crash a year ago and apparently learned nothing, because he overdosed on drugs and nobody knew he was dead for days. In fact, he’d done a reality show about getting over drugs. Guess that’s not going to run unless it’s a cautionary tale. That was supposed to be on MTV and between them and VH1 that’s three shows down, as that one murdering asshole took out Megan Wants A Millionaire and the next I Love Money. Their vetting process is going to be seriously looked now. “Okay, we’re going to need you not to either die or kill someone. Can you manage that?”

GLORIOUS BEETCHES

1. Inglorious Basterds/Weinstein Wknd/$ 37.6 Total/$ 37.6

2. District 9/TriStar Wknd/$ 18.9 Total/$ 73.5

3. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra/Paramount Wknd/$ 12.5 Total/$ 120.5

4. The Time Traveler’s Wife/Paramount Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 37.4

5. Julie & Julia/Sony Wknd/$ 9.0 Total/$ 59.3

6. Shorts/Warner Brothers Wknd/$ 6.6 Total/$ 6.6

7. G-Force/Disney Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 107.3

6. The Goods/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.4 Total/$ 5.4

8. Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 290.3

9. The Ugly Truth/Sony Wknd/$ 2.9 Total/$ 82.9

10.Post Grad/Sony Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 2.8

JUST KEEP HIM AWAY FROM BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS

Inglorious Basterds opens at number one and I took a pass on Tarantino’s latest visit to the genre films of his youth because, well, I could give a crap about WWII genre films to begin with (this is a remake of a 70’s action film starring Bo Svenson and Jim Brown and nothing screams B-movie more than that pairing), so I’m not going to put up with another one of his baroque bloodlettings for something I’m really not interested in. Yes, the bloom is off the rose. Well, actually it was off the rose with Jackie Brown, but I do like Asian action films, so I got suckered back in with Kill Bill (and the sight of the homage to Bruce Lee’s yellow Game of Death tracksuit). As much as I do enjoy Tarantino’s films, the non-stop shout-outs, homages and flat out rip-offs of other films can be tiring because you’re constantly being yanked out of whatever current film you’re in and back into his source material. In fact, his films operate on two levels: the film itself and the annotations going on in your head, but only if you consider the latter enjoyable. If not, the film’s not working at all. However, it can be, but only when the mental annotations stop, which usually isn’t until much later, like on cable and you can just watch the movie. And I still insist that with every passing film the importance of Roger Avary to his early films becomes more and more evident. Let’s see, it’s August, so yeah, maybe I’ll watch this on DVD when I’m home for Christmas.

THE JERK…IN SPACE

District 9 is down to number two and the CGI in this is so good I was shocked to find out it wasn’t a bunch of dudes in rubber bug suits. I mean, the cute little kid alien was obvious, but some of the adults are just great. Even more impressive is learning some scenes were improv’d, which is something that rarely occurs with special effects heavy science fiction films. Also the film dares to have a protagonist, not a hero, as he is not very likable at the beginning of the film. He’s a bit of a douchebag who laughs as he kills a hive of alien embryos, joking about conducting an “abortion” and the popping sound they make as they die. Even when he begins his transformation into an alien and becomes a victim of the same corporation he once served without question, he remains a bit of a dick and discovers no self-awareness until the film’s last ten minutes.

THE “A” WAS ACTUALLY FOR “ACTOR” BECAUSE THEY ALL DO THIS

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is down to number tree and also in this is Sienna Miller whose portrayal of The Baroness is one of the best things about the movie, but when exactly did the world become one big Hawthorne novel that Sienna Miller was painted with a big scarlet letter for her love life? Now, I’m not saying she isn’t a skank of sorts for hooking up with someone else’s man more than once, but in the 21^st Century is there really some unconscious social movement to punish her for it? And notice how Angelina Jolie got a pass for Brad Pitt and he for her, while Jude Law was totally seen as a douche and the married guy from Brothers & Sisters she was boning was actually kicked off the show, though they insist it’s totally unrelated. I guess the lesson here is, if you’re going to cheat or be the other woman, you both have be really, really, really, really pretty or you’re going down.

BEHIND EVERY GOOD WOMAN…

The Time Traveler’s Wife is down to number four and will Eric Bana be the latest member of the Michael Strahairn Club, that is, the male who can never carry a film himself, but makes a living supporting A-list females? Other members also include Dermot Mulroney and Mark Ruffalo. I ask, because when I see how this film is being sold, it’s all about her and a quick look at their resumes puts her squarely in the lead.

IT NEVER REALLY GOT BETTER THAN DESPERADO

Julie & Julia is down to number five, followed by Shorts opening at number six and this is the latest from Robert Rodriquez and he’s another director whose success continues to amaze me given how bad he is at it. His saving grace is that because he’s an asshole who’ll fuck a union over every chance he gets, his films are made pretty cheaply so profitability has a very lose threshold. I don’t know what this is about and could care less. The real question is will the same forces that are trying to punish Sienna Miller come after him and Rose McGowan?

THE OTHERS

G-Force is down to number seven, followed by Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince at number eight and The Ugly Truth still hanging around at number nine.

IN A FEW YEARS SHE’LL BE OPENLY TALKING ABOUT A GILMORE GIRLS MOVIE

Finally, Post Grad closes out the top ten at number ten I’ll bet Alexis Bleidel is a little more appreciative of being forced to make that Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants sequel now. Welcome to the real world, kid. And could this look more uninteresting? Her character more dull? “I’m pretty, white and clearly have loving, supporting upper middle class parents I can stay with until I find a job while my musician friend who actually loves me stands by until I figure it out.” Exactly what’s the conflict here? Where’s the struggle? It’d be different if she were on her own and had to work the burger place or mom and dad wanted her out or yes, even if she were a little less pretty so that we know the world wouldn’t be laid out for her, but none of that’s here. Compare it to Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada. Also pretty, white, loving upper middle class parented, but out in the world struggling, taking shit to pay bills. There’s no shit here, so there is no movie. And this should have come out in May or June anyway.

BUT DON’T THINK I’M COMING TO YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY

So one of my original Geek Girls turned 50 and there was a birthday party. Now, I couldn’t be my normal anti-social self and not attend, because this was 50. Major B-day. Hell, I didn’t think it was possible for me to have 50-year-old friends. Only my parents have friends in their 50’s. It’s at this moment the Shadow of Death put her hand on my shoulder and said, “Au contraire, mon frere.” A mutual friend who was organizing the event had asked me if I were going make artichoke dip or at least send her the recipe. Now, I was briefly infatuated with the artichoke dip for a while but one thing always bothered me: what the hell are these vegetables doing in my cheese? So for this I decided to try a cheese dip and not just any dip, a white cheese dip. The secret is a béchamel sauce as the base. To this you add a touch of garlic and minced onions sautéed in olive oil; chopped jalapeños and half a pound of Monterey jack and come up with heaven. The party was ironically enough held in the same building in the Wall Street area where The Libertine last lived with her now-husband. We were on the roof deck which seemed like a bad idea in this August weather, but it was a lot cooler downtown than it was mid-town thanks to the proximity of the ocean and it was even better on the roof. The party was a lot of familiar faces either through her annual Oscar party or from our days at Columbia House---not that I remembered anyone’s name at all, but that’s just how I do. In need of validation I made people try the cheese dip and once my ego was satisfied (though I still think the béchamel needed another few minutes) I began my drinking because it was hot and the beer was cold. You know you’ve getting old when parties no longer become an occasion for drama. No fights, no hook ups, just conversation and food. Contrast to your 20’s where there was nothing but fighting, hook-ups and rarely ever food. I remember a party once where we had to pull some guy off his girlfriend and she wound up sleeping on our sofa. Now the closest thing to it were a few French party crashers, who probably came for the trio of girls who accidentally crashed because the person who lived there wanted to show her friends the roof. They stayed and we all made conversation. Well, there also was our mutual friend who was mad that I’d never returned any of her messages (including the one about the dip) sent to me on Facebook. Hey, if you’re going to be pissed at me not returning Facebook messages, emails, texts or phone calls you need to get in line behind my mom, dad, sisters and people I’ve known for 25 years, ‘cause they’re waiting on responses too. Besides, I made the dip.

STRANGELY I DON’T HEAR THE ROCKY THEME IN MY HEAD…EVER.

It’s much to my shame and regret that I’ve become one of those people. You know, those freaks that get up early on the weekends? I did the last Summer Streets this Saturday and not because I was drunk either. I did it because I noted how otherwise empty the streets were and I’m really, really sick of people when I’m riding my bike. Asides from being dumbasses who cause collisions, so many are just so fucking slow! I was actually enjoying riding at twilight (watching the sunset on the Statue of Liberty helps to justify all I go through to live here), but I’ve had to push my ride back until actual nightfall, because of all the annoying assholes out there. Also, riding in the morning freed up my afternoon to do…shit. Oh, shut up. I’m sure there’s something I could or should be doing. In any case I got up on Saturday to ride Summer Streets taking my previous route through Central Park to exit on 72^nd and ride down, back up and then finish looping Central Park, giving me a solid 24 miles. Thankfully, not only had the rain stopped but the erratic weather had kept all the wimps away, so even though I started later, it was actually emptier this week than last week when it was sunny (and there was no awkward run-in with Chasing Amy). And yes, Central Park does look like hell with all the fallen trees. And I call the people who are up that early freaks (or failed boxers training for that one last shot) because their lack of bodyfat bears me out. Only the truly exercise-crazy are up early on a Saturday. Me, it’s my hate that has me up. Where discipline fails, anger and irritation succeed. I’m hoping to get so angry at my gut that I’ll stop inhaling cheese…but I doubt it.

NOW ONLY IF I COULD MAKE THEM TALK

No, I did not succumb to The Gap’s advertising for their 1969 jeans and their accompanying $20 off sale and buy an 8^th pair of jeans in eight months and you can’t prove otherwise.

ACCENT HOOR

It’s not new that I’m a tremendous accent whore, but it only recently occurred to me that this has crossed over into my appreciation of music as well. In addition to the track “Paris” that I had up here a few weeks ago, I just discovered “Awaken” by Sophie & Ives, which is pretty much an Australian woman talking over music. Then I realized the only track I have off of Elastica’s last album was “My Sex” which is lead singer Justine Friedman talking over music and the 90’s One Hit Wonder band, Dishwalla (Counting Blue Cars), had a hidden track called “I’m Learning To Sew” which is also just an English accented woman talking over music (in my mind it’s Naomi Campbell, don’t ask me why). I mentioned this on my Facebook page and Former Movie Buddy contributed “Exciting New Direction” from her friend’s band, The New Deal, where they have an Englishwoman reading verbatim the message from his answering machine firing him. I’m open to more suggestions. Just a woman, an accent (English, French, German, whatever) and some music.

PRETTY DUMB

Rebecca (The Noxema Girl) Gayheart her husband Eric Dane and some failed beauty queen make a tape together…AND THEY DON’T HAVE SEX!!! Finally, some actually gorgeous people make a tape and they don’t do any real fucking. That’s just great. And they wonder why we think pretty = stupid. Guarantee you Gayheart’s ugly, fat ex-boyfriend, Brett Ratner has a sex tape with her, because the last thing anyone would want to see would be that beached whale on top of her, which is why it probably exists. In high definition digital video with Dolby sound no less.

ALIEN G'S

1. District 9/TriStar Wknd/$ 37.0 Total/$ 37.0

2. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra/Paramount Wknd/$ 22.5 Total/$ 98.8

3. The Time Traveler’s Wife/Paramount Wknd/$ 19.2 Total/$ 19.2

4. Julie & Julia/Sony Wknd/4 12.4 Total/$ 43.7

5. G-Force/Disney Wknd/$ 6.9 Total/$ 99.0

6. The Goods/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.4 Total/$ 5.4

7. Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince Wknd/$ 5.2 Total/$ 283.9

8. The Ugly Truth/Sony Wknd/$ 4.5 Total/$ 77.5

9. Ponyo/Disney Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 3.5

10. (500) Days of Summer/Fox Search Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 18.0

A.W.A AND THEIR HIT “STRAIGHT OUT DA DISTRICT”

District 9 opens at number one and man did I ever need this because I don’t think I’ve seen a movie this good all summer long. Yeah, there were some nice ones (Julie & Julia), some fun ones (Wolverine) but nothing I’d call truly “good” until now. District 9 may seem like a not-too-subtle commentary on the treatment of minorities, but trust me when I say it’s merely part of the set up and not really what the film is all about, despite them setting it in South Africa (and you know it’s killing Charlize Theron to have a good movie made from home and her not being a part of it). There are aliens, there are bad guys trying to harvest alien technology for weapons and shit blows up real good---in addition into learning it’s wrong to abuse living creatures for whatever reasons. There’s even a cute little kid alien to show the movie isn’t exactly breaking new ground here, just showing it’s not so much the ideas, but their execution. This clearly isn’t Alien Nation redux. The people behind this would realize the inherent stupidity in an alien race living in LA if salt water is like acid CONSIDERING YOU CAN SMELL IT IN THE FUCKING AIR!!! It’d be like an acid breeze every morning!!! Sorry, but that still bothers me after all these years. This is also a great use of special effects to tell a story, not the story not simply being a hanger for special effects. If they’d just used human-like aliens with big ears or weird foreheads, the story and its effectiveness would not change. You can always tell how good a movie is when some of its more absurd aspects are accepted without a second thought. You never really think about the absence of the UN or other governments given the main push of the film is taking the alien technology. Wouldn’t everyone want a piece? And if they’ve been in a slum for 20 years, where’s the alien hip-hop? Also, by the last fifteen minutes the movie just flat out turns into Japanese anime when the main character hops into an alien battlesuit and starts kicking ass and taking names. There’s also a hysterical subtext about all the main bad guys being bald, so I’m just dying to see what the director’s dad looks like, because that cannot be mere coincidence.

HERE TO MAKE MICHAEL BAY LOOK SMART AND TALENTED

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is down to number two and the director of this mess is Stephen Sommers, the man who brought us the incredibly competent Mummy series (which is why Brendan Fraser turns up here in a cameo). In fact, it only fell apart when he stopped directing it, so he can do a pretty good popcorn flick. He just decided not to do it this time. Or last time when he helped Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale try to derail their careers with Van Helsing. They were both happy to get back to their respective franchises (X-Men, Underworld) after that. And what’s worse is he’s giving dumbass interviews saying that it’s not his work that’s bad, but it’s the just critics who hate fun movies. Yeah, they so hated the X-Men, Iron Man, Spider-Man, Harry Potter and they’ve stomped Pixar to death for years. Oh, wait… The opening of District 9 at number one to overwhelming good reviews is more proof of what a dumbass he is. Him using Transformers 2 as a positive example only nails that door shut.

I GUESS “TIME AFTER TIME” AS THE SONG WAS TOO OBVIOUS

Opening at number three is The Time Traveler’s Wife and while the combination of both science fiction and Rachel McAdams would seem to be the perfect combination for me, the trailer just left me cold (I never read the book) because what’s the interest here? Okay, so he bounces through time and they fall in love. And!?! There’s got to be something more, because otherwise it’s just a story about a woman who’s husband is always away at work. He’s gotta be saving the world or something else, because this just isn’t floating my boat. It would have helped if it seemed to be about her and not about them because basically he’s not here. And if this movie has a scene where he visits her when she’s old or dying then I was better off not wasting my time. For me this is yet another one-hour Outer Limits episode stretched out to movie length.

YES, MARTIKA HAD MORE THAN ONE SONG

Julie & Julia is down to number two and also in this is Stanley Tucci and this is his second movie with Meryl Streep and his second successful food movie, though I have to admit, Big Night left me cold. The food looked good, but it still felt very cold to me. Likewise, Like Water For Chocolate was a miserable experience I hope never to repeat. Any love of food was defeated by a miserable love story. They spend a lifetime apart and then die. Wow. Give me more of that. For me, you can always tell how effective a movie about food is by how hungry you are when you leave. I left this with a craving for anything made in enormous amounts of butter. When I left Eat Drink, Man Woman I needed Chinese food like I needed air. Even coming out of Woman On Top I wanted coconut shrimp and Brazilian jazz. When I finished Dinner Rush I wanted Italian food, but not when I saw Big Night. Likewise, leaving Chocolat I had no desire for chocolate or sex which should have been impossible from a movie about chocolate starring Johnny Depp and Juliette Binoche. Hell, the video for “Martika’s Kitchen” made me hungrier and hornier (but Prince did write it).

“A MAN’S GOT TO KNOW HIS LIMITATIONS” – CLINT EASTWOOD

G-Force is down to number five, followed by The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard opening at number six and believe it or not I’ve seen Jeremy Piven actually try to play other roles than this obnoxious motormouth. But this is what works so I can’t fault him for taking it and running with it, essentially only playing variations of it for the rest of his life. As John Wayne showed, if you do it long enough you might come up with something like The Searchers. Though if you do it too long you also come up with The Green Berets. Actually, if I’d realized this was opening this weekend I might have made an attempt to see it, but I didn’t like most of America apparently. This makes me think of the movie Used Cars with Kurt Russell, which was also a raunchy comedy about warring car lots. You’re probably better off renting that.

PAYBACK IS A BITCH…AND SHE’S BLONDE AND HAS A TV SHOW

Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince is down to number seven followed by The Ugly Truth, still around and kicking at number eight, having made $84M worldwide off a $38M budget. Not epic, but given that Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow were making fun of her during their press tour for Funny People it’s gotta be satisfying for Katherine Heigl. Their film cost twice as much but is already out of the top ten having made about $49M worldwide. See, I’ve got this theory a mediocre movie with two attractive people is easier to watch than a mediocre movie with two unattractive people.

IN AMERICA HE’S THE BIGFOOT OF ANIMATED FILM DIRECTORS

Ponyo opens at number nine and this is from legendary Japanese animation director Hayao Miysazaki and it’s an appropriate title because if something is a legend it means very few people have seen it and despite my geek status neither have I. Sorry, but there’s something oddly creepy about a lot of Japanese animation and this is no exception. It’s a story about a goldfish princess that wants to be human and that’s so sweet it shouldn’t melt in your mouth, but I look at the animation style and something seems…off. Even though it’s far from anime style, I still expect a tentacle to come out of nowhere and go someplace it shouldn’t.

MORE LIKE 90 MINUTES OF CRAP

Finally, 500 Days of Summer is still in the top ten and don’t go see this pretentious, unimaginative shit. Go rent Mr. Jealousy if you want to see a romantic comedy that’s not a bunch of clichés pretending that they’re something different.

UP NEXT: VODKA INFUSED BACON

Bacon infused vodka. Yeah, you read that right. Bacon Vodka. And I had it. Star Trek Woman (who’s been seriously working out and looks amazing) had invited me again to what she calls “beer & bacon” night at a bar with her friends. While it seems like a natural for me, I declined the first one because why wouldn’t I just be my normal anti-social self and eat my bacon at home where I don’t have to share it? Or wear pants. But I decided to override my natural instincts and go, though such an evening clearly required that I work out and since my normal workout time is in the evening, I’d have to do it beforehand. Luckily, I have summer Fridays at my job, which meant I got out at 1:00. Unfortunately, it also meant I got out in the middle of the afternoon heat and strangely, rather than use this as an excuse not to do something, part of me was begging for the opportunity to be a big stinking ball of sweat. So I ran. Yes, ran. I’d biked the night before so I needed to do something different, which is how I found myself the only person risking heatstroke by running next to the Hudson River that afternoon. But I wasn’t the only person out, as the grass in Hudson River Park was filled with stupid sunbathers. Hey, enjoy that skin cancer! And who the fuck are these people who can be laying around in the middle of the afternoon!?! They can’t call be waiters and some of them were far too ugly and fat to be actors. In any case, this was a good preemptive strike against the evening’s activities and I spent the rest of the afternoon napping and watching people go apeshit over Michael Vick on ESPN. The bar is over on the Lower East Side on Avenue A just off Houston and while I was late I arrived just as Star Trek Woman’s friend brought the bacon---before heading off to work at his restaurant. Nice. Now that’s big pimpin’ when you have your bacon prepared by someone who cooks for a living. And it was good. Some of it was even Maple, which is close to becoming a new addiction for me. However, having the bacon before the bacon vodka may have killed the bacon vodka for me, because I couldn’t taste anything. Sigh. And I had such hopes… The bar prides itself on being edgy, so the walls are covered with a lot of graffiti, the jukebox was pretty much punk and not much else and the video monitors ran offensive cartoons, porn and S&M videos. But it was just too calculated an attempt to be edgy. First of all, the bar was clean, well air-conditioned and didn’t smell like puke so how “edgy” could it really be? Not that I’m complaining. There were no frat boys or their ditzy female counterparts and the happy hour special lasted from 6-9 rather than the bullshit 4-7 or 5-8. Also, one of Star Trek Woman’s friends was an actual chef, so she and I talked about Anthony Bourdain and how lucky she was to do something she loved for a living, while the rest of us shovel shit and tell ourselves health benefits makes up for the daily soul crushing that occurs. Even her monotonous task of cutting oranges and grapefruit led to her having a pitcher of fresh juice which she and the staff then laced with vodka. I do expense reports and the end result is hardly a fresh cocktail though I do feel the need for a drink. After the bar, Star Trek Woman and I and another couple went to dinner at a Japanese place on St. Mark’s Place to eat. The other couple was a previously estranged married couple of an Asian woman and her European husband. The estrangement came as no surprise to me when he began explaining how the very tasty Japanese dish we were eating was a result of food being in limited supply after the bombing of Nagasaki. Sorry, but white guy + a little too much knowledge about Asian culture + Asian girlfriend or wife = fetishist. That could be any girl next to him so long as her eyes are almond and her skin is golden. But the dish was excellent. Some sort of combination of egg, lettuce, pork and mayonnaise. The source of his potbelly became clear, as the kitchen staff clearly knew him. And we had eye candy in the form of two models having dinner directly across from us and I dare say he was prettier than she was---but she had the gold Amex card while his was only green letting you know how modeling works. There was a threat of karaoke afterwards, but thankfully a previous night’s drinking had left Star Trek Woman too tired to go, much less pressure me into it. Which was good, because I hadn’t eaten all day and the beers and vodka had me drunker than I let on and I might have done it.

DON’T DRINK AND MAKE PLANS

Speaking of being drunker than I thought, because I wasn’t in a proper state of mind when I got home on Friday I decided, hey, maybe I’ll get up at 8:00 am and ride Summer Streets and stupidly set my alarm clock accordingly. Summer Streets is this city event that started last year where Park Avenue is closed down to traffic from 72^nd Street down to the Brooklyn Bridge (though Park ends at 17^th, the corresponding streets are also closed) for three weekends in August for people to walk, jog, rollerblade or ride bikes. Now, I didn’t do it last year because it’s from 7:00 am to 1:00 pm and if I wasn’t getting up to see a movie, I wasn’t getting up before noon for anything and I told Chasing Amy as much when she asked me to ride it with her this year. This is why it was somewhat awkward when I ran into her jogging at Grand Central Station. It’s like asking someone to a party, having them decline then see them show up with another date. So clearly it wasn’t the party that was the problem, it was you. But in this case it was actually liquor that did it to me as it was still somewhat affecting me that morning. As it turns out, that awkward moment aside, liquor knew what it was doing, because with each passing hour, the route became more and more crowded with very slow and annoying people, so going early was the right decision. Rather than ride back up with them from the Brooklyn Bridge, I took the bike path back up. And in response to recent crashes, I even got one of the free helmets they offer---and promptly put it right into the free nylon backpack. Sorry, but it just looks so stupid and it’s not my head I’m falling on. Let me know when the free leg pads are available.

MY CRAZY SKANKOS

My Antonio started at this weekend and this was a welcome return to crazy-ass reality show form after the disappointing Megan Wants A Millionaire. You know any woman who wants to fuck Antonio Sabato Jr. so badly she’ll let everyone watch her do it on TV (one girl flat out said as much at the beginning of the show) is crazy as shit. And poor Antonio. We’ve fallen so far since Janet Jackson videos and billboards in Time Square haven’t we? While he’s still in good shape, there’s clearly more of him to love, showing he hasn’t missed much of mamma’s pasta. And those tattoos are horrible because they’re boring and show little imagination He also proves my theory that Blacks, Italians and Puerto Ricans are pretty much the same as he kicks a woman off in the first five minutes because he didn’t like her feet. In my experience only bruthas are so crazy about shit like that. But the real winner was when Mamma Sabato turned up dressed in all black like some angel of death, speaking to her son in Italian, barely controlling her disgust that the show really took off, turning into a bad Fellini film. “You have to go because my mom doesn’t like you.” Awesome. Pure awesome.

I’LL MISS YOU. NO ONE EVER TREATED ME BETTER.

And now a moment of silence for my blender, which suffered a mortal wound (one of the blades broke off) and is now gone from us. I’ll never forget all our times together, beloved---well, if I could remember them to begin with, because we weren’t making protein shakes. And just because I’ll replace you with a younger, fitter, probably sexier model by the end of the week, it doesn’t mean our love wasn’t real. Farewell.

G.I. BLOWS!

1. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra/Paramount Wknd/$ 56.2 Total/$ 56.2
2. Julie & Julia/Sony Wknd/4 20.1 Total/$ 20.1
3. G-Force/Disney Wknd/$ 9.8 Total/$ 86.1
4. Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince Wknd/$ 8.9 Total/$ 273.8
5. Funny People/Universal Wknd/$ 7.9 Total/$ 40.4
6. The Ugly Truth/Sony Wknd/$ 7.0 Total/$ 69.1
7. A Perfect Getaway/Universal Wknd/$ 5.8 Total/$ 5.8
8. Aliens in the Attic/Fox Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 16.3
9. Orphan/Warner Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 34.8
10. (500) Days of Summer/Fox Search Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 12.3

G.I. BLOWS
G.I.Joe: The Rise of Cobra opens at number one and do you really need me to tell you this is a big piece of soulless crap? It lacks even the sense of fun of the first Transformers movie had, probably because you have no realistic frame of reference for a movie about giant robots from space, but you do for even the silliest movie about soldiers. And ironically enough, the soldiers in Transformers came off better than the supposedly super-elite guys here thanks to a more realistic attention to detail as to how a military operation is carried out. Now, when this came out, I was just beginning to transition out of my kiddie geekness into a more mature geekness, so both this and Transformers came a year too late for me to be a fan. Likewise, I looked at Knight Rider and thought, “Well this is just fucking stupid, but this Mad Max is the real deal.” Also, I was loyal to the original G.I. Joe toy (I had The Mummy’s Tomb kit) and only began to tolerate the existence of the new G.I. Joe unit when he actually made an appearance in the comic as its namesake. Because of this, 99% of everything you see here is new to me so I have no attachment and can’t muster that pure geek outrage I could do for something like Star Trek or Superman. The cruel irony is one of the reasons it sucks is the amateur efforts they put into giving these characters some shading and depth. The evil Baroness (Sienna Miller) is Duke’s (Channing Tatum) ex-fiancée, who apparently went to the dark side when her kid brother was killed in combat despite Duke’s promise to protect him. Then Duke himself abandons her out of guilt. Sorry, but when you’re doing a movie about a guy who wants to rule the world, motivations are just baggage. James Bond has gotten by for 45 years on just a naked lust for power for its bad guys and every Bond movie including Octopussy is better than this. It’s telling the best part of the movie, the conflict between Snake Eyes and his brother, Storm Shadow, requires no special effects and the more they try to explain the conflict the more it dilutes it. Then there’s the enormous Star Trek problem it suffers. Supposedly G.I. Joe is this top unit filled with hundreds of guys, but only these six people handle each and every problem the way Star Trek always had its stars doing all the work. What about the other 594 people in the background? Are they all just the G.I. Joe IT department? And while you don’t want too much reality in a movie like this, a covert ops team tearing downtown Paris apart does seem to be the height of stupidity. How is this either covert or protecting the people of Paris? Here’s a thought: given that France is a contributing nation of G.I. Joe why not let the authorities know you’ve got dangerous terrorists in Paris have them at least try to stop them? That way it makes some sort of sense that your guys have to suit up to save the day. Unlike the lack of all logic that has Duke being so outraged over his unit being killed by The Baroness that he demands to join G.I. Joe to chase her, but initially won’t tell them who she is. Also, G.I. Joe is using face recognition technology to try and find her, but can’t---even though we’re shown a flashback with her and Duke at a military function in Washington DC and her brother’s a freaking soldier!!! Oh, no. She’d never come across a camera there, much less a friggin' ATM like they mention. When your stupidity dampens the fun, you have a problem and this movie has a lot of problems.

WHAT EXACTLY IS IN HATERADE? CERTAINLY NOT BUTTER.
Julie and Julia opens at number two and don’t kid yourself; this is very good considering it made half the movie’s budget opening weekend. Meryl Streep has become not just a box office queen, but a summer box office queen and she’s done it in the Sean Connery way: pair yourself in A-list films with younger stars. Sean had a second golden age sharing screen time with Nicholas Cage, Kevin Costner, Alec Baldwin, Wesley Snipes, Christian Slater, Mark Harmon (and Meg Ryan) and even Richard Gere. Meryl had finally broken the $100M mark with co-stars like Anne Hathaway, Amanda Seyfried and now Amy Adams. None a huge star, but as up-and-coming as it gets with a track record of both quality and box office success. The combo is clearly working for her. This is based on a book, which was an adaptation of a blog (and somewhere the gods of literature are crying). The blog was about a woman who was looking for direction and decided to chronicle trying to make every recipe in the Julia Child cookbook in the space of a year. Actually, while I hate to admit it, this alone might have made a semi-interesting small film, but the decision was made to adapt it alongside Julia Child’s own autobiography of her time in Paris learning to cook. It works and it doesn’t. Just as either story gets cooking, we have to go back to the other story and it’s not as seamless as it needs to be. Midway through the film it seems to have occurred to them that maybe it would help if Julie was actually reading about Julia Childs, thus somewhat justifying that half of the movie. Meryl Streep is as wonderful as ever. I’ll say it again: she’s the best actress to ever be on celluloid. Only Bette Davis is her peer and you Katherine Hepburn fans can keep your angry emails to yourself. Every role she ever played was Connecticut friggin’ Yankee. But while Meryl Streep gets to revel in playing someone who seems to have loved life and been loved by it in return, Amy Adams has to play someone who is openly described onscreen by herself and a close friend as a bitch, who at one point descends into such narcissism that she briefly drives her husband away. This is why I think it could have made a small film on its own, but it would not have been such light and fun summer fare and there’s no way Nora Ephron could have accomplished that. If there’s a flaw with this film, it’s that she can’t handle Julie’s somewhat darker story. The lighter, frothier, we-know-it’s-a-happy-ending Julia Child portion works fine because that’s what she’s good at. Any depth is a problem. And it really does kill me to say I enjoyed this because I so despise Nora Ephron. She’s as much a hack in her own right as Michael Bay. Just because shit isn’t blowing up doesn’t mean it’s not equally shallow. But I will give her points for understanding that if you’re making a movie about food you have to show the food and show the food looking wonderful! There’s a moment in this where you want to just taste butter and I can only attribute it to a broken clock being right twice a day that Ephron can be so evocative. Yes, I’m a hater.

PARENTS BEWARE
G-Force holds at number three, so know G-Force 2 is coming soon to a theater near you, just when your kids playing it all day at home has turned your brain to mush.

FUGLY AND FUGLIER
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is down to number four, followed by Funny People at number five and also in this is Jonah Hill, whose career is pretty much to make Seth Rogen look good by comparison. If you think Seth Rogen is ugly---and I do---standing next to Jonah Hill you suddenly think, “Well, maybe he’s not so bad.” I dropped HBO for budgetary reasons, but I did see the bit about them ragging on his ugliness on “entourage” on YouTube and I thought it was funny because it’s true. But what’s funny is that “entourage” comes from Mark Walberg, who has never been pretty. Sexy? Sure. Hot? Yeah. Good looking? I think not. So for him to be behind ragging on someone’s lack of good looks makes it twice as funny. What makes it best of all is that it was Turtle ragging on Seth Rogen! Turtle, who like Seth Rogen has dropped about 20 pounds vastly improving his appeal as well.

THE NOT-SO-UGLY TRUTH
The Ugly Truth is down to number six and with a $69M take against a $38M budget, this hasn’t been a total failure and at the end of the day will probably turn a profit, but nothing anyone will brag about on their resume.

BEFORE THIS BRUCE WILLIS, SO CLEARLY SHE LOST A BET WITH GOD
A Perfect Getaway opens at number seven and Mila Jovovich marrying Steve Zahn? Uh, no. Especially when you have Timothy Olyphant in your movie. That lets you know you’re watching a movie made by guys who look more like Steve Zahn and less like Timothy Olyphant. But at least there’s only an 8-year difference in their ages rather than the usual 10. This comes from David Twohy who brought us The Chronicles of Riddick and the sooner he gets on that next installment the better. Vin Diesel needs it and I need it.

IT JUST NEVER GETS OLD!
Aliens in the Attic is down to number eight, followed by The Orphan at number nine and say it with me THIRTYSOMETHING DWARF HOOKER!!!

APPARENTLY ENDLESS SUMMER
Finally, 500 Days of Summer enters the top ten and I have to ask “Why!?!” The more I think about this that angrier I get that it’s a) doing well and b) being praised as something original when it’s a gigantic clichéd piece of shit. That gives Joseph Gordon-Leavitt two pieces of shit in the top ten as he’s also in G.I. Joe. Ignore them both and instead watch him rock it in Brick.

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW IS SEX IN SPACE
Defying Gravity premiered but I watched it as a free iTunes download. It’s pretty much being sold as “Grey’s Anatomy in Space” and they’re being kind as this is such a soap opera, Grey’s looks restrained by comparison. Set 43 years in the future it’s the story of a six-year mission around the solar system and I’m sure the reason NASA is nowhere to be seen here is that five minutes in we had astronaut instructors openly hitting on the trainees, another declaring the night before launch she wanted six years of sex in one night with one of the instructors she’s clearly been sleeping with; an astronaut who’d been drinking on launch day being cleared to go because the person in charge figures the cure to alcoholism is just to be somewhere he can’t get any, one stupid weightless sex scene and some of the worst wigs you’ll ever see on a person. So yeah, it’s bad. And they even go for the Grey’s Anatomy “crisis averted by one person talking sincerely to another” except these people are in space. Not to mention at least two scenes where bad VH1 sensitive music plays over an emotional moment. And because these writers think they’re clever in the year 2052 abortion is once again illegal. Oooooh! They’re daring! And don’t get me started on the bad science, but that’s what happens when NASA reads your shitty script and decides they’re not going to help you with your soap opera that isn’t so much about people exploring space, as it is people boning each other as they explore space. Poor Ron Livingston. He’s doomed to be known as either the guy from Office Space or the guy who dumped Carrie on Sex & The City with a post-it. And Malik Yoba is always the first sign you’re on a bad show. Were is not for my own uncontrollable geekness and the presence of Christina Cox, I never would have given this a second of my life. And that dumbass title makes me think of the musical Wicked.

ANOTHER REASON TO HATE RUNNING AND THE PEOPLE WHO DO IT
So, I ate pavement again thanks to an idiot jogger whose response to a potential collision was to not only freeze, but to move backwards into the very direction I was trying to go to in order to avoid her. To not kill her, I had to fall off my bike, thus giving me bruises and cuts on both legs along with a cut inside my mouth and actual damage to my bike this time. The chainwheel is bent. Two of them as a matter of fact. To repair it would require me investing at least another $50 into this bike and that’s where I drew the line. This is money that should be going into a new bike, not into an old one I bought for $40. The guys at the bike store know me all too well, so they did some free perfunctory repairs which worked just fine as I’m concerned. I never really deal with a gearshift below 15 anyway. This will just have to serve me until we make the jump to a new one. It figures. The TV does something weird just and the bike needs to be replaced. The cost of replacing either is about the same, because I’m not going cheap on something as important as my bike either. Fate clearly hates me. How else to you explain the cut in my mouth turning into a giant canker sore (not cold sore) and a sty in my eye on top of everything else?

IF YOU LEAVE, DON’T LEAVE NOW
Death truly took the 80’s away from me this week with the death of John Hughes. Fuck Michael Jackson, this man truly affected Generation X. Sixteen Candles nailed it for me. It was so on-point that 20 years later it still rings true. For me, ironically enough, he never hit it that well again. Yeah, The Breakfast Club is affecting when…you’re 17, but now I can’t even sit through five minutes of Judd Nelson’s nostril flaring. Weird Science was a mess then and remains one now and by Pretty and Pink and Some Kind of Wonderful he wasn’t even directing them and you could feel he was phoning it in as far as teen dramas go. Ironically, he broke with Molly Ringwald at this point because she said he’d gone Hollywood, but wound up moving his family back to the Midwest because he was afraid of how life there was affecting them. I hated Ferris Bueller’s Day off initially, because I agree with his sister: he’s an asshole so it’s 90 minutes of an asshole getting away with it. But in time it grew on me. Plane, Trains & Automobiles is a movie I’ve only seen once and never need to see again, because they chickened out in not making John Candy just annoying. No, he had to be tragic so you’d accept him. Still, I love She’s Having A Baby almost as much as Sixteen Candles and the soundtrack is nothing less than life-changing as it introduced me to Everything But The Girl, not to mention being the movie Kate Bush wrote “This Woman’s Work” for. And that’s it for me, because I don’t consider anything he didn’t write and direct truly a John Hughes film. This fortunately alleviates him of many of his crimes like Career Opportunites and Dutch and Drill Bit Taylor and bunch of crappy Disney remakes like Flubber (he also wrote the Beethoven films and Maid in Manhattan under the name Edmond Dantes). But not that of Curly Sue, which was the last film he wrote, produced and directed. Sad, huh? And sadder still this means once-promoted special edition DVDs of his best movies with deleted footage (like reportedly 90% of Elizabeth McGovern’s role in She’s Having a Baby) may never come to fruition

PAIN DON'T HURT

1. Funny People/Universal Wknd/$ 23.4 Total/$ 23.4
2. Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince Wknd/$ 17.7 Total/$ 255.5
3. G-Force/Disney Wknd/$ 17.1 Total/$ 66.5
4. The Ugly Truth/Sony Wknd/$ 13.0 Total/$ 54.5
5. Aliens in the Attic/Fox Wknd/$ 7.8 Total/$ 7.8
6. Orphan/Warner Wknd/$ 7.3 Total/$ 26.8
7. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs/Fox Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 181.8
8. The Hangover/Warner Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 255.8
9. The Proposal/Touchstone Wknd/$ 4.8 Total/$ 148.9
10. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Wknd/$ 4.6 Total/$ 388.1

UGLY UNFUNNY PEOPLE
Funny People opens at number one and the combination of Seth Rogen, Adam Sandler and Judd Apatow is one big fat failure for me. It doesn’t matter what the subject matter is. It could be a science fiction action adventure comedy or a comedy about two guys who run a strip club and I wouldn’t be moved an inch for it. Needless to say, this apparent treacle about an Adam Sandler-type star who finds out he’s dying and takes Seth Rogen under his wing as a protégé really isn’t appealing. I know it’s shallow, but I’m sick of Seth Rogen’s ugly, furry face on my movie screen and but for Happy Gilmore, I’ve always found Adam Sandler’s success to be one of life’s biggest mysteries, unless it’s to reveal just how many dumbass frat boys go to the movies. The movie also compounds its sins by having the girl who got away (played by Mrs. Apatow, Leslie Mann) be married to Eric Bana, who will undoubtedly be shown to be less than Adam Sandler, because Judd Apatow has to remind his wife that the good-looking guys she used to date were inferior to him…who keeps her working constantly as her career pretty much ended years ago. We’re already shown in a trailer he’s somewhat cheated on her by going to a massage parlor for a “happy ending.” Yeah, can’t imagine why he’d do that given the raw sexuality Leslie Mann oozes out onscreen. Yeah, I’m just an enemy to this movie and everyone involved. Let’s move on before I start talking shit about the lighting director and his wife.

WHEN THE DEVIL CALLS IN HIS MARKER, YOU VOICE HIS CRAPPY MOVIE
Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince holds at number two followed by G-Force at number three and as always let’s see what stars do the voices here and why. Are they A-list doing it for a lark or their kids or are they fading A-list or otherwise lower rung actors who can’t say “No” to a payday? Bill Nighy isn’t A-list, but clearly here for the fun of it all, while sadly, Will Arnett needed the payday. Tracy Morgan also needed it but is clearly insane so would probably be here even if he were the biggest star in the world. Here making cameos because of a debt to producer Jerry Bruckheimer are none other than Nicholas Cage, Jon Favreau, Penelope Cruz and Steve Buscemi.

NOT THAT BRETT RATNER IS ATTRACTIVE
The Ugly Truth is down to number four and this actually has the same director as Legally Blonde, which while no great feminist treatise was clearly a result of the writing and Reese Witherspoon’s performance and not him, as his resume now includes this and Monster-In-Law. It also includes the so-mediocre-it-wasn’t-interesting-enough-to-be-called-bad, Win A Date With Tad Hamilton. Clearly, wit, verve and intelligence are just words with no meaning for the guy. He’s also not bad looking for a director which only serves to support my theory that good directors tend to be fugly and actresses only sleep with them for one reason (though Tippi Hendren still wouldn’t give it up to Alfred Hitchcock). Okay, two if you count daddy issues…

RIGHT NOW PATRICK SWAYZE HAS A BETTER CAREER. WHAT!?! WHAT’D I SAY!?!
Aliens in the Attic opens at number five and let’s begin charting the sad fall of the careers of the High School Musical cast. Ashley Tisdale pretty much started wrecking her career even before the franchise was done by destroying what served to make her unique and relatable to her fan base…and by that I mean a useless nose job. Someone give her Jennifer Grey’s phone number to have this explained to her.

WHO KNOW DWARF SLUTS WERE A CLICHÉ?
Orphan is down to number six and did I mention the secret of this film is SHE’S A

MIDGET DWARF HOOKER!?! Apparently this isn’t as unique as one may think. On Batman the Animated Series 10 years ago there was a character called Baby Doll who was a famous child actress who also never grew and subsequently embarked on a life of crime. Also, Star Sister informed me that Law & Order SVU had an episode about a woman who looked like a teenager but was in her 30’s and used it to have sex with teenage boys and while I technically know that’s a crime, I’m sure she probably did those boys some good by teaching them some things. I mean who better than a pathological sexual predator with a rare genetic disorder to deflower you and teach you the meaning of being a man?

HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL
Ice Age Dawn of the Dinosaurs is down to number seven, followed by The Hangover at number eight and The Proposal at number nine and don’t fret, Bradley Cooper. Just because Ryan Reynolds got the Green Lantern role doesn’t mean there’s still not a chance for you. Reynolds didn’t show up to promote it at San Diego ComicCon this year because apparently he was fighting with his wife, Scarlet Johansson. Strange how that didn’t stop her from showing up to push Iron Man 2. Execs at Warner Brothers, who went out of their way to publicly announced a leading man competition, like it was the 40’s in an effort to drum up publicity, could not have been pleased as it’s accepted that Iron Man’s good press at ComicCon two years ago was a definite contributor to its overall success. Just remember Stuart Townsend, who was cast as Aragorn in Lord of the Rings and actually filmed scenes before being replaced by Viggo Mortensen. It ain’t over till it’s over.

THE END
Finally, Transformers Revenge of the Fallen closes out the top ten at number ten.

IN BRIGHTEST DAY, IN DARKEST NIGHT, NOTHING GEEKY SHALL ESCAPE MY SIGHT
Speaking of Green Lantern, the Direct To Video animated movie was released last week and thanks to geeks everywhere it was sold out of Best Buys everywhere. I found it at my favorite little discount shop and it’s okay. It’s not as good as the Wonder Woman movie from earlier this year, but if you’re a fan or want a quick introduction to what may finally make Ryan Reynolds (or Bradley Cooper) an A-last action star, it’s worth a look.

I DON’T THINK DONAVAN MCNABB IS WATCHING
Yes, I do watch The T.O. Show. Or as I like to call it, The 2% Bodyfat Show because they can’t seem to go an episode without him displaying the most chiseled body in football. Hell, even the poster is him naked. I find it amusing in that even his friends know there’s a difference between Terrell Owens and “T.O.” Terrell Owens is charming, likable guy, but “T.O.” is the diva who’s disrupted multiple football teams. But it’s more staged than any reality show in recent memory because I’m supposed to believe that T.O. is in LA and no A-list celebs want to hang with him? Not a one? Doubtful. They just probably couldn’t film that part. And his former-fiancée was drop-dead gorgeous on a level not seen in recent memory. Women like that are why men are driven to succeed, because you can’t have one any other way. She’s also a tribute to the nature of being a dog, because when you have a woman like that at home and you still cheat? Then you are just a dog, my friend. As Chris Rock once said, “The only thing better than pussy is new pussy.” I’m walso amused how one of his friends let it slip her disapproval of him not dating any Black women, because if he had he’d know how a sista takes care of her hair at bedtime. Besides, given that he’s in Buffalo now and one half-of this apartment is Buffalo Bill-oriented, he’s going to be a part of my life no matter what I do, so I might as well get used to it.

MEGAN OF CASH
Daisy of Love is over and now we’re on to the third Rock of Love spin-off: Megan Wants a Millionaire. Now, I love Megan because Megan is playing the game. She’s created this persona for herself dating back to Beauty & The Geek and has ridden it to her own show. What separates her from the pack is that she knows it’s a game and has never pretended otherwise. That’s why it’s sad her show just isn’t that interesting. Interesting is a big hot mess like Daisy or the bulk of the Rock of Love contestants. Now she could play the Brett Michaels role and be the sane center of it all, but unfortunately her millionaires aren’t that interesting either. Seriously rich crazy would never be on a show like this (sane rich goes without saying). But some are clearly gay, which is fun. Now, a show about her working as beard for her clearly gay millionaire “boyfriend” would be a must-see.

PAIN DON’T HURT
So, my non-training for the triathlon I wasn’t going to be in is over. First of all, it’s full. I couldn’t sign up if I wanted to. Yay! Secondly, I hurt my leg. Three weeks of running and Achilles Tendonitis has set in. Yeah, thanks for that. How this happens after three weeks when I’m in better shape than my first week in bad shoes and nearly dying is beyond me. See, running is unnatural and a slap in the face to our ancestors who, once they created the wheel and long-distance weapons and pushed us to the top of the food chain, eliminated the need for us to run. Coincidentally, I also suffered a biking injury as well. I haven’t circled the whole isle of Manhattan in pretty much a year because I just find the bulk of the ride down the Upper East Side so unattractive. I mean you’re looking at industrial Queens for most of it. And after that it’s dockside Brooklyn. The only advantage is that I’m alone for most of it. On the West Side, from Battery Park on up to 100th, it’s annoying people who are out riding just so they can say they were riding to their friends, not because they really like it. But from 100th street on over the top of Manhattan until you get down to about the 70’s on the East Side it’s near deserted and it’s wonderful. In fact the three bikers I saw this weekend were the most I’d ever seen there. It was when I got down to the seaport where I wiped out and it was because of testosterone. I’d inadvertently got into a chase with some guy I was trying to pass who didn’t want to be passed so basically I got into a race. It more or less began around the East Village, and when we came off the path that leads to the South Street path I was getting ready to pass him---when I realized I’d missed my re-entry from the street back to the path and the neared one was one of the curbs that have the rounded metal on them. Now my first spill and many near spills are because you have hit those at as straight an angle as you can. If not, your tire will just slide along it and down you go. I could have slowed down to readjust my angle, but that would have meant, well, slowing down, and that’s not something my balls would allow, so I hit it at an angle I knew was wrong and the ground came up and hit me. Sadly I’m getting better at falling because aside from tiny scratches on my left calf and right hand, there was nothing. Okay, maybe briefly a large swollen bruise but it never turned color and receded by the next day. The bike was undamaged (the new back fender I’d bought to keep crap out of my hair was thankfully fine) and after I reassured the people in the car who stopped to ask about my well-being, I hopped back on my bike and kept going. As for the fucker I was non-racing, he knew full well we were non-racing, which is why he stopped briefly to look back and see if I was okay, then kept on going. Unfortunately the initial pain of the fall didn’t allow me get back up to my top speed in time to catch him, though by the time I hit the West Side path I was back to normal and once again annoyed with all the slow fuckers. Ironic result: the pain in my calf from the fall seems to have banished all Achilles Tendonitis pain.

ALONE AGAIN, NATURALLY
One benefit of being in corporate America are things like Summer Fridays. Okay fine. Health benefits. But Summer Fridays are big too. This year we only got four, or 28 hours, which could also be used as half days. I went for the 7 half days because so many people are out on Fridays in the summer anyway, it’s not like much is going on. But rather than go home and go back to sleep like I usually do, this time I did something. I went down to the High Line. I wasn’t going to be one of those pathetic suckers waiting in line to take a leisurely stroll. Sorry, but that it’s a leisurely stroll is the fucking point. You’re not supposed to wait. And it was a perfect day for it. Aside from being in the middle of the day, it was overcast and gave way to brief showers which cleared out the weak and occasionally left me all but alone, which is just how I like it. Yes, it’s very nice and I’m looking forward to the entire thing eventually opening as for now it pretty much goes from 14th to 21st street. If you can get out in the middle of day or can take a day off, I recommend it. Do it like I did, which is to start at 21st street because then you get let out in the Meatpacking district, whose upscale transformation still hasn’t been killed by the recession. Oops. Spoke too soon. The Little Pie Company location that was there is now gone.

NO, I’M NOT OF THE FARNSWORTHIAN FAITH
My TV did something weird. Say a prayer to the TV gods as it has a bad habit of dying when I can least afford it. The last time my TV frizzed out on me I’d just been laid off. Recession heavy 2009 where a frozen pizza I paid $5.99 for a year ago is now selling for $9.49 isn’t much better isn’t much better (needless to say, we don’t buy that pizza any longer). Oh, mighty Rod Serling, please bestow your blessings upon my CRT as we are not quite ready to purchase LCD just yet…especially since we will not go below 32” or buy brands like Insignia or Vizio and they otherwise start out at $500. Amen.

HE NEVER GOT TO BE SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY
Finally, this won’t mean a lot to most of you, but if you’re Black and of a certain age know that Reverend Ike died last week. It truly is the Summer of Celebrity Death.