THREE MORE WORDS. CHOCOLATE BACON CANDY.

1. How To Train Your Dragon/Para Wknd/$ 15.0 Total/$ 178.0

2. The Back Up Plan/CBS Wknd/$ 12.3 Total/$ 12.3

3. Date Night/Fox Wknd/$ 10.6 Total/$ 63.5

4. The Losers/Warner Wknd/$ 9.6 Total/$ 9.6

5. Kick Ass/LGF Wknd/$ 9.5 Total/$ 34.9

6. Clash of the Titans/Warner Wknd/$ 9.0 Total/$ 145.6

7. Death At A Funeral/ Wknd/$ 8.0 Total/$ 28.4

8. Oceans/Disney Wknd/$ 6.0 Total/$ 6.0

9. The Last Song/Touchstone Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 55.4

10. Alice in Wonderland/Touchstone Wknd/$ 2.2 Total/$ 327.5

DON’T CARE HOW WE GOT IT, IT’S OURS NOW!

How To Train Your Dragon holds at number one, or as I realized later, continues to benefit from kids who wanted to see Kick Ass, but knew their parents would never take them so they bought tickets to this, then snuck in. Well done, children. Well done.

SETTING THE BAR LOW FOR JENNIFER ANNISTON

The Back-Up Plan opens at number two and like Jennifer Anniston and Meg Ryan before her, Jennifer Lopez is too old to be making these damn “Single Girl Looking For Love In The Big City” movies (more ironic still is Jennifer Anniston has a version of this plot coming out later this year). This looks like something the decade-younger Kate Hudson should be doing, so yes, it looks that freaking bad. Overly cute (“OMG! I meet the perfect guy on the exact same day I get artificially inseminated”), with incredibly forced humor with New York City overlit so much that it looks like a studio backlot, which is my biggest pet peeve because there used to be a time where a romantic comedy clearly shot in New York would have instantly had my dollar, but I’m not going to watch JLo make out with another white guy in a city where Hispanics are 17% of the population. I mean seriously, is there no shame in this? Especially for someone who never dated anything but a minority in her real life? The only thing I do respect is the use of younger, C-List beefcake, whose body was exploited constantly in the commercials. Usually, that would be the job of some starlet propping up an aging romantic lead looking for a comeback. You’ve come a long way, baby.

SAD FELLA

Date Night is down to number three and also in this is Ray Liotta. As a mob boss. Whom we actually meet while eating Italian food in his place downtown. How sad is that? Remember when he was the hot character actor of the moment, just burning up Something Wild and holding his own with Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesci in GoodFellas? Shoeless Joe in Field of Dreams? Now, this. Standard Mafia Role #1. And he tried very hard to breaking away from the crazy villain role, always taking a shot a comedy (remember him playing a crazy version of himself on Just Shoot Me), but it just didn’t take. I blame the acne. Would only there was Pro-Active 20 years ago to not only help his career, but also provide a celebrity endorsement. Only there wasn’t so here he is, ironically in a comedy, but just playing a two dimensional role. If the director had any sort of imagination he would have told him to do a riff on his GoodFellas role. If.

BABY, EVEN THE LOSERS GET LUCKY SOMETIMES

The Losers open at number four and this is the latest movie adapted from a comic book. In this case a non-superhero, straight action-adventure one adapting the name of a classic WWII Comic by the name of The Losers. The premise is essentially the same as the movie: someone in the CIA tries to kill a special ops team when they interfere in something hardly related to national security. But while the book is R-rated and deals in the shady, almost black history of this nation’s intelligence community, the movie is a PG-13 action comedy, where the bad guy is clearly rogue. And on that level it totally works. There’s a good chemistry between all the actors, the action scenes are nice and it’s not ADD oriented in its direction. Nothing extraordinary, but for 90 minutes or so a good time. My particular favorite scene is the use of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’.” Jeffery Dean Morgan is the lead (his second comic book based movie after The Watchmen) and let’s face it, he’s the guy you call when you can’t get George Clooney. Middle-aged, just the right amount of “experienced” gray in the hair and completely and utterly masculine. When you see Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise, do you think scotch whiskey drinker? Exactly. In this movie Johnny Walker shows up not once but twice. He may be less handsome, but he’s taller and cheaper. I hated Denny Doucette on Grey’s Anatomy so much I pretty much despised him on sight, but this goes a long way to removing that stain. But how can you have a movie called The Losers and not use Tom Petty’s song?

NOT THAT I EVER DID SUCH A THING

Kick Ass is down to number five and as we mentioned before actually has more people seeing in than indicated given the kids are paying for How To Train Your Dragon and sneaking into it. This makes sense, as it’s really geared to an angry, sexless 15-year old’s tastes. But also in this is Elizabeth McGovern who also turns up in Clash of the Titans, down to number six this week. Elizabeth McGovern!?! Yeah, I can’t explain it either. In Kick Ass she’s his mother who is just onscreen for three second then she dies, and in Clash she plays the stepmother of Perseus so she’s onscreen for whole five minutes before she dies, but that she was onscreen at all is nothing short of shocking. Clearly someone has a new agent. But she’s not only one collecting an easy paycheck. Danny Houston is here as Poseidon with one line. Polly Walker briefly as Cassiopeia. Jane March is Hestia and I don’t think she speaks. Alexander Siddig as Hermes, Izabella Miko as Athena and model Agnes Deyn as Aphrodite and none of them speak. The other non-speaking model is Natalia Vodianova who, in the closest thing to creativity this movie displays, is the face of Medusa. That’s a wonderful interpretation of the legend.

YES, WE ALL KNOW EACH OTHER

Death At A Funeral is down to number seven and also in this are Zoe Saldana and Columbus Short who are also in The Losers, but if you’re black (or Dominican and people think you’re Black) and there are two films that have a significant number of minorities, you’re going to be seeing a lot of one another. And do you think Danny Glover had any words of wisdom for the kids? You know about how to maximize your time on top, because one day it’ll be over and Mel Gibson will still be a megastar and you’ll be playing cranky old man supporting roles.

EVEN THOUGH YOU PAY FOR CABLE, IN YOUR MIND IT’S FREE

Oceans opens at number eight and while I’m sure this is lovely and wonderful, who pays to see what they can get on Discovery every night of the week?

THE END

The Last Song is down to number nine, followed by Alice in Wonderland, closing out the top ten at number ten.

MY OWN PERSONAL XXX FILE

Not breaking the top ten anytime soon is the indie film Boogie Woogie, supposedly a comedy about the ruthless and sordid world of art dealing in London. Yeah, I know I’ve been avoiding indies for about two years now, but how can you overlook a cast consisting of Gillian Anderson, Alan Cumming, Heather Graham, Danny Houston, Christopher Lee, Joanna Lumley, Charlotte Rampling, Amanda Seyfried and Stellan Skarsgard? Especially, when it involves Gillian Anderson giving a blowjob in a bathroom stall? And while we’ve all seen Heather Graham naked enough for a lifetime she doffs her top as a prelude to some girl-on-girl action with a lesbian video artist who records every aspect of her life as a self-portrait. But they had me at Agent Scully giving head. The gist of it is this: oh, look hysterically self-centered and vicious these people are! Only they’re not hysterical. Being mean onto itself is not a laugh riot. Just because it’s satirical, doesn’t mean it’s funny. You have to write some fucking jokes. Basically, Heather works for Danny who sells to Gillian and Stellan, but Heather is sleeping with Stellan who plans to back her new gallery and she tells him of Christopher and Joanna who own a painting Stellan wants and can get cheaper by skipping Danny, whose new assistant is Amanda Seyfried. Got all that? Now, Heather Graham and Amanda Seyfried aren’t playing sisters like you’d think, but they are playing odd doppelgangers in a way you think might have given Heather Graham pause. I mean, Amanda Seyfried is the blonde, saucer-eyed “it girl” of the moment, given recently to nude scenes. 13 years ago Heather Graham was the blonde, saucer-eyed “it girl” of the moment most famous for her full-frontal nude scene as Rollergirl in Boogie Nights. Oh, did I mention that Amanda Seyfried first shows up on roller blades? In the context of the movie, Seyfried follows in Graham’s footsteps both personally and professionally, but with a twist so bizarre I can only hope there was more meaning attached to it in the book, because in film it’s just an oddly insane thing that happens. If Heather Graham has any sense of self-awareness, it had to affect her. Maybe she’s okay with it and views it with a zen-like serenity as just the way things are. Or maybe she went home to have a nightly date with Mr. Vodka. Hell, I’m drinking just thinking about having to work with my replacement on a daily basis. And has to know full well guys her age that she’s worked will probably be working with Seyfried tomorrow without a hint of irony or suggestion of the tremendous age difference. It’d be like asking Winona Ryder to work with Natalie Portman.

‘CAUSE BACON GOES WITH EVERYTHING

So, by helping a friend of mine in SoHo basically steal a shitload of music from a coworker (I maintain all she had to do was ask and it would have gladly been given to her) I was rewarded with a Chocolate Bacon Candy bar from a store that does naught but sell chocolate bacon candy a few doors down on Spring Street. Not only is it a chocolate bacon store, but it’s a gourmet chocolate bacon store. Greatest city in the world, bitchez! Damn good thing it’s too far away for me to visit regularly. And don’t think they’re not aware of how much this means to some of us. Check out the softcore porn copy on the package: “Breathe…engage your five senses, close your eyes and inhale deeply. Be in the present moment, notice the color of the chocolate, the glossy shine. Rub your thumb over the chocolate bar to release the aromas of smoked applewood bacon flirting with deep milk chocolate . Snap off a piece and place it in your mouth, let the lust of salt and sweet coat your tongue.” Sorry, but you replace “chocolate” with “dick” and it’s the same thing. But let’s not do that “snap off” thing, okay?

TWO WORDS: BACON. SMOOTHIE.

1. How To Train Your Dragon/Para Wknd/$ 20.0 Total/$ 158.6

2. Kick Ass/LGF Wknd/$ 19.8 Total/$ 19.8

3. Date Night/Fox Wknd/$ 17.3 Total/$ 49.2

4. Death At A Funeral/ Wknd/$ 17.0 Total/$ 17.0

5. Clash of the Titans/Warner Wknd/$ 15.8 Total/$ 133.0

6. The Last Song/Touchstone Wknd/$ 5.8 Total/$ 50.0

7. Why Did I Get Married Too/Lions Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 54.9

8. Hot Tub Time Machine/MGM Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 42.5

9. Alice in Wonderland/Touchstone Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 324.0

10. The Bounty Hunter/Sony Wknd/$ 3.2 Total/$ 60.4

I STILL SAY THE TITLE IS DIRTY

How To Train Your Dragon actually rises to the number one slot, which is pretty freaking amazing. I mean, I liked this movie and it still surprises me, but then again nothing opened for the kids this week and you have to get them the fuck out of house and get yourself at least 90 minutes of peace until it’s over. And this needed it because while it has grossed $321 worldwide, it cost $165M to make, so at the very least it needs to double budget to be a minor theatrical success. Remember the rule kids: it’s not in the black until 3x budget.

ONE DAY, ALL TOP TEN MOVIES WILL BE FROM COMIC BOOKS

Kick Ass opens at number two and do you really need to be told this is a satire of superhero comic books? Given how people are viewing this as controversial I feel the need to sit them down and speak them in a calm deliberate tone: “Do you not get that Nicolas Cage in a Batman-like outfit teaching his daughter to kill people is making fun of Batman taking Robin out to beat the shit out of criminals? That, after smiling at Robin and other kid sidekicks beating the crap out of grown men for 70 years, it in fact is quite a sick idea and this movie is exaggerating it to make that clear? Do you also get that Jonathan Swift was not actually advocating eating babies?” Seriously people, this is all about the sheer stupidity of having no powers and even thinking you can accomplish anything, because the point is that Kick Ass himself does little more than generate media hype. He pretty much just gets the shit beaten out of him constantly. I never read the comic because I’m not the biggest fan of the writer, Mark Millar, who was most accurately described as “someone who writes stuff that a 15-year-old boy thinks is cool.” And what 15-year-old boys like is ultra-violence, which is a hallmark of Millar’s work. Let me put it this way: he wrote the comic that Wanted was based upon, and the comic was actually about how great it would be to be a supervillain who could rape and kill at will. It was cleaned up considerably for the movie. Fortunately, in this case one of those things a 15-year-old boy would like is a foul-mouthed 11-year-old girl assassin. Hit Girl saves this film, because ninety minutes of the sad sack irony of Kick Ass himself would have been a bit much. And the further irony is that while Kick Ass fails, because realistically no one with no superpowers and no training is going to become a superhero, Big Daddy and Hit Girl are quite effective, accomplishing feats that are borderline superhuman. I do know enough about the book to know they’ve done the same “clean up” here that they did for Wanted. They had to. The inhabitants of Mark Millar’s universe are usually quite disturbed and this is no exception. In the book, Big Daddy is just a nutcase who brought his daughter into his insane world of killing criminals. In the film, he’s a good cop who is a victim of those criminals first and basically driven insane. And if you’re still not getting he’s satire of Batman, that Nicholas Cage does an Adam West impression whenever he’s in costume is quite the fucking clue.

FEEL THE VIBRATIONS

Date Night is down to number three and also in this is Mark Walberg essentially playing Mark Walberg and surprising willing to mock his own shirtless beginnings as Marky Mark----are you ready for it---21 years ago! Yeah, you’re old. Then again, they probably didn’t tell him it was a joke so he’d play it straight, given his sense of humor isn’t that great. It’s just a few degrees above Sean Penn’s, which is to say he has one at all. And I was more than delighted to see he gotten soft just like all of us. That chiseled torso of his 20’s is looooong gone. So there!

DENZEL WASHINGTON IN THE SEVENTH SEAL

Death at A Funeral opens at number four and I’ve had it with Chris Rock thinking “Hey, this would be great if we replaced it with Black people.” He saw Heaven Can Wait (which itself was a remake of Here Comes Mr. Jordan) and thought, “He’d this would be great if we replaced it with Black people.” He saw I Love My Wife and thought “Hey, this would be great if we replaced it with Black people.” He then saw Death at a Funeral and thought, “Hey, this would be great if we replaced it with Black people.” Please don’t let him see Au Revoir Les Enfant. Not to mention Chris Rock, Martin Lawrence and Tracey Morgan are hardly a comedy trifecta that needs to be seen. Give me David Chappelle, Chris Rock and Eddie Murphy and I might give you my dollar. Hell, just take Martin Lawrence out and you might have had me here. But honestly, I didn’t have any interest in seeing the English original, so I have no interest in an American remake. It just seemed like someone decided “What if Four Weddings & A Funeral was one wacky funeral?” Um, no.

THE OTHERS

Clash of the Titans is down to number five, followed by The Last Song at number six and Why Did I Get Married Too at number seven.

SWEEP THE LEG!

Hot Tub Time Machine is down to number eight and also in this is the ultimate 80’s villain, William Zabka, aka, “Johnny From The Karate Kid.” He was also the douche in Back To School and the very underrated Just One of The Guys, which I almost hope is remade given it’s about a girl who disguises herself as a boy when she feels her teacher overlooks her writing work based on gender. First of all, a kid today would opt for a lawsuit and he’d probably be fired immediately. Not to mention, the “girl/boy” would probably instantly be seen as gay and adopted by the new school’s gay populace. And the guy she became friends with would also probably see her as gay and not so much a buddy and his attraction to her/him would confuse him. Then, just to make things more interesting her actual boyfriend would probably hit on her as a guy, while her female best friend would suddenly become more interested in with her new totally butch look. And ultimately when it all came out, she’d wind up on Oprah. On second thought, leave it the hell alone.

AS IF DISNEY NEEDED ANY MORE FUCKING MONEY

Alice in Wonderland is down to number nine and this has made $828M worldwide from a $200M budget. What. The. Fuck. How to Train Your Dragon was better. But that doesn’t have a hundred year literary history made for CGI to depict the insane creations of Lewis Carroll, much less an annoying hipster fanbase. But the end effect is Tim Burton’s career of style over substance isn’t stopping anytime soon.

THE END

Finally The Bounty Hunter closes out the top ten at number ten.

GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS

Though I’m not a part of the Jezebel online community the way I was before being kicked off for calling Michael Jackson a child-rapist when he died, the ties I have are binding and tend to drag me not only out of my house but my borough. Even the guest commentator of last week is a Jezebel. It was a twofer this week starting with a book signing by Anna Fields, aka, Rebel Debutante, for her book Confessions of a Rebel Debutante about her life rebelling against her southern upbringing in boarding school to her time as Diana Ross’ personal assistant. Anna was a Jezebel who befriended a mutual Jezebel who just happened to be in publishing and pushed her to put her Rebel Debutante into a book---which, of course, she was in charge of, so of course she was there for the reading at the Barnes & Noble at Lincoln Center. I didn’t know this initially, but once I did I had no choice but to buy the book and support the team (plus, I’m a little afraid of Publishing Jezebel). And it’s always odd meeting in person someone you’ve known for years online. The anonymity of the internet has allowed you reveal the most personal things, but once you’re face-to-face you realize you’re actually strangers. It’s like thinking you know a celebrity because you read their autobiography. I’d see Publisher Jezebel again that week for a birthday party for yet another Jezebel with whom she writes a blog called Pursuit of Harpyness. Unfortunately, to attend that birthday party I’d have to miss the birthday party of still another Jezebel in still another part of Brooklyn. But that was okay since I’d seen her two weeks ago when still another Jezebel was in town from Chicago and we met at a bar where I actually watched the NCAA Championship Game. Yes, I’m aware of the irony of being a straight dude who only watched a sporting event because of a bunch of women. Come into the 21^st century, you knuckle draggers. My other reason for attending this birthday party is because the boyfriend of the birthday girl has been trying to become my buddy for a while now and I’ve been inadvertently blowing him off. Well maybe not inadvertently, but I’m pretty devoted to my life as a recluse and god forbid your plans interfere with my “after-work-nap.” Now, this is Jezebel B whose parties are not quite the raucous affairs of Jezebel A and I attribute that to the lack of homosexuality. Sorry, but while gay men have the party reputations, the lesbians do their own fair share of blowing the roof off the mutha. I took my guest commentator with me because I do think she’s an excellent writer (stop being younger and more talented than me, bitch) and I wanted her to reconnect with Publisher Jezebel and hopefully motivate her and it worked to a small extent as they talked about the pros and cons of grad schools and MFAs. The highlight of the evening however was another partygoer discussing how her friend had made out with Jonah Hill at one point. Needless to say, we all recoiled in horror, but it got worse as he then blew the girl off only to be upset she blogged about it then tried to push up on her on the dance floor weeks later, sticking his hand between her legs. Seriously? Dude, unless you were in Twilight or starring on Gossip Girl there’s no way you’re pulling that off. Ugly dudes cannot be that forward. The only downside to the night is that we were promised some Guitar Hero and it didn’t happen. See, this is why I don’t like going to Brooklyn. It’s a land of broken promises.

IS IT SAFE?

My life has become one of hell. About two weeks ago, two of my teeth started hurting. Okay, that’s a lie. A few months ago, four of my teeth started hurting, but two weeks ago, two of them became unbearable. Nothing too cold or hot could touch them. I tried to make a dentist appointment and was told two weeks. I then asked for suggestions and Surrogate Sister had one that could see me in a week. Unfortunately I found out that my insurance had actually assigned me a dentist, so I had to go to him. I’d chosen the previous dentist because his proximity to me, but fortunately my assigned dentist was literally two blocks away, so it was no problem. It’s on Central Park South near Sixth Avenue, so it’s totally walkable for me and that’s a good thing too, because after the costs of it, I’m going to need to save on bus fare. A quick exam told me things I’d been told by my last dentist 6 years ago: all the crap work done by my crap dentist in the past would have to be redone. How crappy was he? His other patients sued him and he no longer practices. But for now we’d start with one of the problem crowns. It would be replaced. Then he said what no one wants to hear from their doctor or dentist while looking at x-rays: “Whoa!” It seems that right behind the bad crown was a massive cavity, so it was going to be twice as much blood and drilling. Also, unlike the 100% my last dental plan paid, this was only going to be 75%, which is quite a chunk when your average crown is about $1200-1300. And it was “pay to play” so there was no putting it off. The only good thing is my ailments in recent years have totally increased my pain threshold. Needles into your gum are nothing compared to blood running down your spinal cord or a massive hemorrhoid. Hell, even my current groin pull hurts more. So the payment was the most painful thing about it all. But I saved money immediately being unable to eat. Half my mouth is off limits thanks to the temporary crown and what I can eat can be neither crunchy, nor chewy. For a man whose daily intake includes crunchy bacon and cold orange juice each and every morning and chewy stress-relieving Resin candies all day at work, it’s like being told not to breathe. So now eating, which was my favorite physical pleasure, has been taken from me. Publishing Jezebel joked “At least it’s not your dick” and I had to remind her I use my mouth for pleasure more than my dick. Now, I eat only when I’m hungry since it’s too annoying otherwise. Even with soft foods, I have to take small bites so it stays on one side of my mouth and chew slowly and thoroughly so when it inevitably slips over I don’t cry from the pain. Oh, and it’s smoothie heaven in my house now. And yes, I made a bacon smoothie because I cannot, will not be denied! It was okay. I’ve decided instead to just suck up the pain and eat my goddamn bacon the way god intended.

BECAUSE I’M NOT DYING FAST ENOUGH

Luckily, the Double Down premiered the day before my dentist appointment so my last gift to my mouth was two slices of cheese, two strips of bacon and a sauce between two fried chicken fillets. I was pretty sure I’d be dead halfway through the meal. It was…meh. Let’s face it: it’s a cordon bleu/chicken club variation and with some honest effort it might be a wonderfully decadent dish. It’s first on my list of things to try and cook for myself when I get my mouth back...next month.

NOW YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR

Finally, I hate the use of Gene Wilder singing "Pure Imagination" in that damn commercial. I don't even know what the commercial is for I'm so annoyed by it. That was my Willy Wonka; the real one. Not that shit with Johnny Depp looking like Michael Jackson from Tim Burton.

WE HAVE TO KILL THE YOUNG PEOPLE WHO ARE BETTER THAN US

1. Date Night/Fox Wknd/$ 27.1 Total?$ 27.1

2. Clash of the Titans/Warner Wknd/$ 26.9 Total/$ 110.5

3. How To Train Your Dragon/Para Wknd/$ 25.4 Total/$ 133.9

4. Why Did I Get Married Too/Lions Wknd/$ 11.0 Total?$ 48.5

5. The Last Song/Touchstone Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 42.4

6. Alice in Wonderland/Touchstone Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 319.3

7. Hot Tub Time Machine/MGM Wknd/$ 5.4 Total/$ 37.0

8. The Bounty Hunter/Sony Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 56.0

9. Diary of a Wimpy Kid/Fox Wknd/$ 4.1 Total/$ 53.8

10.Letters to God/ Wknd/$ 1.3 Total/$ 1.3

THE OUT-OF-TOWNERS 2: THIS TIME LESS ANNOYING

Date Night opens at number one and can you remember the last time a female comedy superstar was paired with a male comedy superstar? Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn? It would seem to be the easiest and most obvious casting idea possible but there are two problems with it: 1) male ego and 2) middle-aged male ego. Basically, dudes tend not to be want to compete with someone of equal stature, much less a woman their own age. You can have one or the other, but you can’t have both. Just ask Adam Sandler, who strangely has never worked with a female SNL member or Ben Stiller, period. Cameron Diaz wasn’t his equal when they made There’s Something About Mary and once she achieved that, she didn’t rejoin him or the Farrelly Brothers for the Heartbreak Kid. No, they just found someone who looked just like her but younger (but she laughed all the way to the bank when she was paired almost equally with Ashton Kutcher in the disturbingly successful What Happens In Vegas). Luckily, Steve Carell didn’t have thast problem because it’s when you have weak shaggy dog type scripts like this that you need talented comedians who can just take your mediocre material and run with it. Aside from having nice chemistry with one another, both Fey and Carrell are trained comedians who have written their own material, so when this script so clearly falters they more than pick up the slack and if the outtakes are any clue, should have been allowed more of that freedom. The premise is as flimsy as most star-driven works are: married suburban couple out on a “date” is mistaken for another couple wanted by the mob and hilarity ensues. And by “hilarity” I mean enough jokes for 90 minutes that you don’t feel ripped off, but not so many you’re thinking how you just have to have this on DVD. I still can’t get Fey’s line of “I want you to get in there and work that pole like a runaway” out of my mind. Close second is the alternate version in the credits, “I want you to get in there and work that pole like a Russian immigrant.” They’re both fun for the same cruel reason: they’re true.

DROPPING SOME GEEK KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS!

Clash of the Titans is down to number two and also in this is Alexa Davalos who not only looks like she was made from the leftover DNA of Dina Meyer (Dizzy in Starship Troopers) but is clearly on the same career path of science fiction, horror and fantasy. First it was Gwen Raiden on Angel, then it was Chronicles of Riddick, then it was The Mist and now she’s here as Andromeda, who in an interesting turn is no longer the love interest of Prometheus. In a semi-modern turn, the hero gets to fall for Io who is actually helping him on his quest and not spending most of the movie tied up to a rock. Here Io is a woman cursed by a god with immortality for refusing his advances, but if you know anything about Greek Mythology (like most comic book loving geeks), you know she was a woman Zeus was boning whom he turned into a cow to save her from Hera’s wrath. Hera then put Argus the watchman with a hundred eyes on her, trapping her as a cow until Zeus sent Hermes to literally bore Argus to death so she could be freed, though Hera then chased her down into Egypt using gadflies until Io was eventually free of her and bore Zeus a son and become a queen. For his trouble, Hera put the eyes of Argus into the tail of a bird, creating the peacock. Thus endeth the lesson for today!

YOU’LL SEE HIM RIDING A FLYING DRAGON FIRST

How To Train Your Dragon is down to number three, followed by Why Did I Get Married Too and now Tyler Perry is talking about the women he’s dated. You know, the ones he’s never, ever been seen with? Yeah, Ricky Martin would like a word with you about how unconvincing it is to talk about your heterosexuality when you’re rich, famous but strangely not using it to have your pick of women. That’s not something a lot of straight men do.

YOU KNOW HE LOVED THE PIG MORE

The Last Song is down to number five and playing the mother of Miley Cyrus is none other than Kelly Preston who probably looks at every Charlie Sheen news story and wonders, “What the fuck was I thinking?” To be fair, she had him at his bad boy peak in the 80’s which was undoubtedly attractive to a young actress, but the bloom was off the rose when she was “accidentally” shot in 1990. Now, knowing what we know does anyone still believe it was an accident? Hell, I didn’t believe it then. But fate was kind to her. She also got to date George Clooney after that. She’s the one who actually gave him that pig.

DOES THIS MAKE ME KRIS KRISTOFFERSON OR JAMES MASON?

Alice in Wonderand is down to number six and occasionally, I clearly run out of ways to rip a movie apart especially if it just annoys rather than angers me, so to this end I’ve decided to contract out to one of my new crop of geek girls. The old ones have well, gotten old, so I need a new crop. Unfortunately, I wasn’t expecting her to be this smart and this funny, so know now you’ll never hear from her again:

Hot Tub Time Machine (down to number seven this week) is like the George Clooney of Generation XY man comedies. Its simple, attractive package dictates you're supposed to swoon over it (especially because everyone else around you seems to think it's awesome), but you just can't muster a ladyboner over the fanfare (NOTE: Don't hate me for this observation about Clooney. You only like him because you're supposed to. Search your feelings--you know it to be true). Hot Tub Time Machine (hereafter known as HTTM) is a movie about just that---a hot tub time machine. It doesn't pretend to be anything else, which is its most admirable trait. And yet, that's also HTTM's downfall, because in an effort to simplify itself, HTTM does away with smart references involving time travel in favor of pleasing an audience that knows fuck all about Lane Meyer being chased by a psychopathic paper boy while careening downhill on one ski. The movie is rife with nods to pop culture though not sharp satirical manner it should be. As the protagonists realize they've been transported back to their youth (and one back to his nonexistence), the 80's references and actors--George McFly! "Sweep the leg" Johnny!--- smack you in the face like a dominatrix with a PVC glove. But as it drags on, you realize that this is not "nostalgia" as you would see it, but "nostalgia" as seen by a generation of youngsters whose extent of 1980's pop culture knowledge is cleaned from VH1 marathons featuring comedians and actors who can't otherwise get work. The dick jokes, "you're a pussy" jokes, and "fuck your mother" situations scattered throughout the movie indicate that this movie wasn't made for those who relish the comedic value of Hughesian teenage awkwardness and longing, but by people who...well, think dicks and cocks (or, rather, "dix" and "cox") are the golden path to hilarity. Craig Robinson is the emasculated token whose emasculation makes no sense, or at least whose story of "being a pussy" isn't given enough backstory to make any sense. He's a funny guy as his time in Judd Apatow films and on The Office demonstrates, but he’s wholly wasted in moments where a) he’s so afraid to get his dick sucked by Rob Corddry that he faints (you get a homophobia/"black dudes have monster dicks" two-for-one in that scene) and b) he cries as he's getting a hot tub shag from a pair of gratuitous tits attached to someone who warrants billing in the movie for no other reason than flopping her tits. Rob Corddry's penchant for pithy punchlines (wooo! alliteration!), as seen in his "Daily Show" stint, is also wasted, as he's basically a dick who's obsessed with cocks and dicks. He fucks someone's mother, does air drums in his car to a Motley Crue song, and, in a moment that was side-splittingly hilarious to everyone else but me, vomits on a squirrel. That's all you need to know about him. Last but not least, the most emotion I could muster about this movie came from the sobering aspect of John Cusack's role. I know you're wondering where the hell anything "sobering" falls within a pseudo-80's romp, but it's this: John Cusack in a movie about traveling back in time to a decade where he was John Cusack-esque is a sad meta loop. John's made some top-notch efforts at a decent adult career (see Grosse Pointe Blank and High Fidelity), but he could never shake Lloyd Dobler. Even in his most recent hit (2012), he's an older caricature/imitation of his former self. It's a vicious circle that needs to be broken, and yet will never be broken. Put John Cusack out of his misery, or in a David Simon drama. After leaving the theatre, I filed away my moviegoing experience and shrugged HTTM off, like a George Clooney who approached me at a cocktail party with a dick joke as his opening line.

THE MOVIE THAT PLAYS IN MY HEAD

The Bounty Hunter is down to number eight and do you think when Brad and Angelina see what new crap movie Jennifer Anniston has come out with or what celebrity she’s dating, they look at each other and start laughing and then when it subsides then chide each other with, “That’s so wrong. We’re evil” then start laughing all over again before having the godlike sex that only people who look like that can? That’s exactly what I think happens.

SANTA’S MORE LIKELY TO COME THROUGH

Diary of a Wimpy Kid is down to number nine with Letters To God entering the top ten at number ten and this is one of those movies made for super-Christians by super-Christians. It really has no place for the rest of us sinners who think you’d probably be better off writing letters to Santa. Yeah, I said it.

IF YOU DON’T WATCH IT, I’LL KILL YOU MYSELF

Cable is a wonderful dangerous thing because you often find yourself watching things at 3:00 am that you wouldn’t otherwise. In this case it was Starship Troopers 3: Marauder (yes, there was a #2). This not only has the satire of the original, but also has back none other than Johnny Rico, now a colonel. Sadly Doogie Hauser isn’t back and neither is Denise Richards instead we have a new “old friend” (in the same SS getup made even funnier by the fact he’s black and apparently seven feet tall) and a new “old love interest” (played by Jolene Blalock who was a pretty good Vulcan on Star Trek: Enterprise despite the fake boobs) who is now the lover of his old friend. The plot is immaterial. Only know that it’s filled with twice as many Public Service Announcements from the Federation about being a good citizen and supporting the war effort, which is the best part. This time around religion is bad unless it helps the war effort and if you’re a peace protester you’re going to get hung for sedition. And did I mention the new Field Marshall has a Number One hit single “It’s a Good Day To Die For The Federation?” Oh, and the brain bug is back from the first film as well as a bunch of new bugs, who don’t have the big budget SFX of the original, but aren’t done too badly thanks to CGI making effects like this now relatively cheap. It’s not a bad little rental. Plus, for fans of the book, the battlesuits they were always supposed to be wearing finally make an appearance

MIDDLE-AGED, GIFTED AND BLACK

When I got my flatscreen I stopped watching any channel that wasn’t in HD, so I lost VHI, so I had no idea they’d suddenly discovered Black women have a solid, professional middle class that advertisers would like to reach. Why else would they have a block of celebrity reality shows about Chili from TLC, Shaquielle O’Neal’s soon to be ex-wife and Ray J and Brandy? And before this there was a show about Pepa from Salt n’ Pepa. These shows are aimed squarely at women of a certain age (sorry, but if you’re a TLC fan, you gotta be at least 30) and if you’re clearly in certain socio-economic block to relate to women who have made their own money (though in the case of basketball wives, married it). Now, for the sake of curiosity I had to watch the first episode of each. Well, I tried to. I could give a shit about basketball, so you can imagine how I feel about basketball wives, which doesn’t even follow its own title. Shaunie O’Neal is soon-to-be an ex-wife, another one is an ex-fiancée, while still another is an ex-girlfriend and still another is pretty much just a groupie. There are actually only two real wives in the group. That’s when I checked out. I gave Chili the full half hour because, well, it’s only a half-hour, she’s actually accomplished something in her life, she’s easy on the eyes and it takes place in Atlanta. Also, Tionna Smalls is on it and she actually became one of my Facebook friends two years ago when I first signed up. She had a pretty funny “sista girl” type advice column on Gawker for awhile, but clearly she’s hit the big time. Now, I don’t believe in settling, so this whole trend of asking successful, smart women to settle for douchebags is bullshit, but Chili’s list is a bit much. Oh, it’s not the good-looking (better than Denzel), successful, washboard abs, “huge” dick (yes, she said that on national TV) part. She’s gorgeous and in great shape, so she has every right to demand someone gorgeous and in great shape. No, it’s that no pork bullshit. No woman alive is worth giving up bacon, period. And no drinking either!?! You will die alone, woman! On the other hand that Taye Diggs looking guy she went out on a date with needs to meet my sister… I lasted about five minutes in Brandy and Ray J because I don’t care about Brandy and Ray J is annoying. Very. Annoying. Not to mention responsible in part for Kim Kardashian being famous. That’s two strikes by itself. I’ll probably come back to Chili’s show, but that’s it.

CASTING THE GREATEST SITCOM EVER

Okay, now Death took Dixie Carter, aka, Julia Sugarbaker from Designing Women so every sitcom star over the age of 60 needs to watch their back! What’s strange is that she was married to Hal Holbrook who’s like a million years old. Why would she go first?

TLC : Creep
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TITANTIC. NOT.

1. Clash of the Titans/Warner Wknd/$ 61.4 Total/$ 61.4

2. Why Did I Get Married Too/Lions Wknd/$ 30.2 Total?$ 30.2

3. How To Train Your Dragon/Para Wknd/$ 29.2 Total/$ 92.3

4. The Last Song/Touchstone Wknd/$ 16.2 Total/$ 16.2

5. Alice in Wonderland/Touchstone Wknd/$ 8.3 Total/$ 309.8

6. Hot Tub Time Machine/MGM Wknd/$ 8.0 Total/$ 27.8

7. The Bounty Hunter/Sony Wknd/$ 6.2 Total/$ 49.0

8. Diary of a Wimpy Kid/Fox Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 35.8

9. She’s Out of My League/Paramount Wknd/$ 1.5 Total/$ 28.6

10. Shutter Island/Paramount Wknd/$ 1.5 Total/$ 123.4

IT AIN’T A HISTORY LESSON. IT’S A GIANT MONSTER MOVIE.

Clash of the Titans opens in the number one slot and I declined to pay more money for the scam that is 3D this time around. And it is a scam. If it were really a 3-D movie the part where they fight the scorpion would have led it seeming like a scorpion tail was coming right at you. There isn’t. There also isn’t a whole lot of sense in this either as the story of Perseus, Andromeda, Medusa and Pegasus has been turned into a near incomprehensible story of rebelling against the gods. But who cares, right? We’re here to see special effects and monster fighting and you do get that, but even that’s dumb in the context of the story. It seems man has turned against the gods, which makes sense if you know anything about how the Greek Gods really were. Lot of raping and cursing of man was going on. Not really a lot to pray for. Hades then appears in Olympus saying that Zeus just needs to let him torment man to get them to pray again. This clearly beats being nice to god who loves to rape women, so Zeus agrees and Hades goes after the main hub of rebellion, Argos and says he’s going to send the Kraken to destroy the place unless they sacrifice the princess Andromeda to it. Now, if you know the actual myth Andromeda was there because her mother said she was more beautiful than the goddesses of the sea and an offended Poseidon was sending a generic sea monster (Kraken is a Nordic myth) after them unless they sacrificed Andromeda to teach her a lesson. Perseus learns this while on another separate adventure. You know, the one involving Medusa? Yeah, it was never one linear story, but two stories that crossed, so while I understand the difficulty in making it into one, it was done better than this previously. First of all is the clumsy way they even put Perseus into this. They have the fisherman finding him and his mother in a box like in myth, but now she’s dead and the fisherman has a wife and later another child---who are killed almost immediately by Hades. So basically, their purpose is solely to give Perseus a chip on his shoulder regarding the gods, so later when he’s given gifts by Zeus on his quest to save the city, like an idiot, he rejects them. We’re supposed to think this is him standing up for man, but what it’s really standing up for being a total moron. The movie even points out that by refusing the gifts, he’s only getting the soldier who helping him killed. And we reach rock bottom stupidity when he does finally use the gifts to save the day, so all those guys died for a principle he abandoned when it became too difficult. Nice going, hero. Of course you might wonder that since that the gods are actually the reason behind all this, especially Zeus, why is Zeus sealing his doom by helping his son? It makes no sense. And the other gods don’t help as they do in myth, so their appearance here is pretty much wordless, so no Hera going after him this time either. And while the original felt compelled to do Cellini’s famous statue of Perseus with the head of Medusa, this one, not so much. On the upside, know what else is gone? That damned owl, created solely to put an R2D2 into Greek myth. He does make an “in-joke” appearance, however. Unfortunately, it was not to be smashed into a million bits like I’ve been wanting since I was 15-years-old.

WHY DO THEY KEEP MAKING THIS CRAP?

Why Did I Get Married Too opens at number two. Get it? Phonetically it’s a sequel title. Culturally and artistically it’s another cinematic tombstone courtesy of Tyler Perry. And once again I take great pleasure in pointing out that A-list Black actors are never in this shit. It’s people lucky to have a job and yes, that means you, Janet Jackson. But history sadly proves that Black people are willing to watch themselves in damn near anything, so long as it’s not too smart or too good.

THE FIRST “NO EXCUSES” ANIMATED CASTING EVER

How To Train Your Dragon is down to number three and aside from Gerard Butler and Colin Ferguson being the highlights of this as Scottish Vikings and a…“contribution” from Jay Baruchel as the lead (what can I tell you, he’d kind of annoying), also voicing in this are America Ferrara as the Viking love interest Astrid (yes, she’s voicing a skinny, Nordic blonde; your social observations here____) and Kristin Wiig and other Apatow alumnus Jonah Hill and Christopher Mintz-Plasse as Viking kids. This is unique as no one really “needed” this for a failing career. Everyone is either decently successful or on the rise. Next they’ll be doing horror films with established stars.

SMART, SCHMART. SHOW ME YOUR ABS.

The Last Song opens at number four and this is a union made clearly in hell: Miley Cyrus and Nicholas Sparks, who ascended to new heights of douchebaggery when he compared himself to Shakespeare, Hemmingway and Sophocles. Yes, the most talentless, formulaic fucker in history compared himself to the greatest writers ever merely because they share a common medium. This is like fucking Michael Bay comparing himself to Alfred Hitchcock they’re technically both directors. This is reason alone for you to wish for this film’s quick and immediate demise and not just because it’s essentially the female version of She’s Out of My League. But I’m not trying to be cruel when I say that. In fact I applaud Miley Cyrus and Sarah Jessica Parker for doing what men who are far from models have been doing for decades. Even better, Miley Cyrus is now dating him. Seriously, I respect her like a muthafucka for her history of dating much, much prettier than herself and not settling for this “oh, he’s smart and funny” bullshit.

PLUS, IT WOULD HAVE MEANT MORE BREASTS ONSCREEN

Alice in Wonderland is down to number five, followed by Hot Tub Time Machine at number six and in a better movie John Cusack’s love interest would have been there because she’d gone back in time herself. In fact, given John Cusack’s sister is the same mess now for the same reason he is and was there for the weekend that defined their lives, it seems hot she wasn’t a part of the trip back. But then she’s a girl and we know they’re icky. Unless they look like the girl who does the nude scene in the hot tub, Jessica Pare, whose career will forever be limited by being tall, thin, pretty and having enormous real breasts. Poor thing.

ITS PORN TITLE IS PRETTY OBVIOUS: THE BOOTY HUNTER

The Bounty Hunter is down to number seven and why does Gerard Butler touch Jennifer Anniston’s ass? Because he can, goddamnit! This is not rocket science and it’s pretty nice for a white girl. Not Jessica Biel nice, but a thousand times better than Angelina Jolie’s utter lack of one.

IN CASE YOU DIDN’T HEAR ME THE FIRST TIME

Diary of a Wimpy Kid is down to number eight, followed by She’s Out of My League at number nine and seriously, this “just pretty” blonde with her giant teeth is the best they could find in Hollywood to play the dream girl? Hell, the girl in Hot Tub Time Machine is ten times better. Like I said, they didn’t have the courage of their convictions. They didn’t get anyone Seth Rogen ugly and put him with someone Megan Fox pretty.

THE END

Finally, Shutter Island closes out the top ten at number ten.

THINGS I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT BUT SADLY DO.

Now that it’s common knowledge I should let you know that for people who know a little about porn, Jesse James’ little Nazi and tattoo fetish was common knowledge. His ex-wife was porn star Janine who was gorgeous and pretty much tattoo-free before him and now looks like a fucking Japanese gangster and is apparently married to yet another racist. A racist who probably doesn’t appreciate that after her divorce from Jesse James the first thing Janine started doing was Black guys. Two at a time. With names like “Mandingo.” Clearly to get back at him for something. And yes, it seems to be the same syndrome Tiger Woods and Bill Clinton suffer from---banging hamburger when you’ve got steak at home---I’m thinking it’s a little different going from a porn star to a normal person, because that thing that your porn star wife wouldn’t blink at doing is “Not in a million fucking years” in the world of Sandra Bullock. And she’s damn sure not bringing girls home from work. But there is also the ego thing. He’s nothing in the universe of Sandra Bullock, while in the world of being a cable TV star married to Sandra Bullock, he’s a big star.

YOU DON’T WANT TO PISS OFF A WOMAN WHO’S DONE DOUBLE ANAL

Speaking of Tiger Woods, how much does his skankiest porn star ex (the others aren’t milking it every day and one is actually pretty) hate him? She’s going to Georgia to strip the same week he’s there for the Masters. Dude, write her a check or get down on your knees and apologize, because in her mind you’ve clearly done something she’s not letting go of. And how great is that Vanity Fair article where you find out he used to refer to himself in the third person as “Ti?” And how none of this bullshit actually started until he actually started hanging around Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan, who had his own history of banging porn stars while he was married!?! It’s actually kind of damning to think until he started hanging around with Black guys, he didn’t start cheating on his wife. Yeah, now that you’re a cheating scumbag you’re a brutha. Thanks for that. But in Jordan’s case it’s more “not until he started hanging around another great athlete, but total dickweed” did he start. I can see that conversation:

MJ: Yo, Tiger. We’re going to take these porn stars up to the room and bang them two at a time. You down?

TW: Um, I’m married, Mike.

MJ: So!?! She knows what time it is! She knew you were greatest golfer in the world when she signed up! That’s like marrying a rock star. Nobody expects Mick Jagger not to get his fun elsewhere. When you’re the best you have privileges.

TW: Then why’s Barkley doing it?

MJ: Oh, he just likes him some pussy. But you and me, we’re different. We’re entitled. That’s why we don’t have to tip either.

TODAY IN “WELL, DUH!”

Ricky Martin is gay. This is news to whom, exactly? And notice how this news comes not when he’s on top and has everything to lose, but is now probably secure enough to know he could never need work again for the rest of his life. Hell, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised to find out he and his accountant worked out a number that, once hit, he could come out. But I will say this: at least he didn’t parade around with some starlet pretending she was his girlfriend or worse, marrying someone.

GIRL, I HEARD EVERYBODY’S DYING, HEARD EVERYBODY’S DYING…

Death continues to claim classic TV taking John Forsythe, best known as a) the voice of Charlie of Charlie’s Angels TV and movies and b) Blake Carrington of Dynasty, second only to Luke Spencer as TV’s best known rapist that was glossed over. Also gone is none other than Johnny Maestro of The Brooklyn Bridge who had one of the greatest hambone songs of the rock era.