SUFFERIN' SAPPHO!

1. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Wkdn/$112.0 Total/$ 210.2

2. The Proposal/Touchstone Wknd/$ 18.5 Total/$ 69.1

3. The Hangover/Warner Wknd/$ 17.1 Total/$ 183.2

4. Up/Disney Wknd/$ 13.0 Total/$ 250.2

5. My Sister’s Keeper/Warner Wknd/$ 12.0 Total/$ 12.0

6. Year One/Sony Wknd/$ 5.8 Total/$ 32.2

7. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3/Sony Wknd/$ 5.4 Total/$ 53.4

8. Star Trek/Paramount Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 246.2

9. Night At The Museum 2/Fox Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 163.2

10.Away We Go/Focus Wknd/$ 1.7 Total/$ 4.1

ROBOT BORES

The Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen opens at number one and you really don’t expect much from a Michael Bay film, but even with low, low standards, he still manages to disappoint you utterly. Like his contemporaries, McG and Brett Ratner, he simply has no clue about telling a story or conveying an emotion. It’s just “bang” “boom” and “pow” and even though that’s the only reason you’re watching a Transformers sequel, you still need those things in some sort of context. The story Bay barely even tries to tell between robot fights, explosions and crumbling buildings is something about the Decepticons looking for an ancient power source built on earth thousands of years ago and of course, our good guys having to stop them. Shia Lebouf is still around and continues to be the ultimate douchebag fantasy figure. He never stops acting like a motor-mouthed weeny (imagine an unfunny 18-year-old Woody Allen) and his reward for this is to be worshipped by giant alien robots and Megan Fox, who fulfills her basic function in this movie by first appearing in a pair of denim cutoff straddling a motorcycle then changing into a leather bike suit then stripping out of that into a good girl sundress. This is in her first five minutes of screen time. Shia Lebouf is leaving both her and his super robot car in California to go to college on the east coast, but this being a douchebag fantasy, of course they both follow him there. It’s not just bad writing that he refuses to help the good robots fight the bad robots like he’s got another planet to live on if they lose, it’s bad writing filtered through a jackass director, so you wind up with a totally unsympathetic main character---unless you’re a douchebag. There was some solid B-movie fun in the first Transformers movie, but that’s been totally lost in Bay’s desire to put as much shit as he can onscreen. Something he’s actually bragged about accomplishing.

YOU KNOW, LIKE WHEN MY GRANDMOTHER TOLD ME TO STAY AWAY FROM WHITE WOMEN

The Proposal is down to number two and Betty White is making a new career out of the movie convention of the “funny old person.” Said old person gets laughs from either being foul mouthed or saying inappropriate things or both. In Lake Placid, a very underrated horror comedy, she was allowed the former and was much funnier than here where she’s only allowed the latter. In fact this entire movie isn’t as funny as one of her lines from Lake Placid: “If I had a dick, this is when I’d tell you to suck it.” In fact, Lake Placid, the story of giant alligator terrorizing a lake in Maine is funnier than this supposed romantic comedy, so I recommend you see Betty White in that.

ANGRYGEEK POWERS, ACTIVATE!

The Hangover is down to number three followed by Up at number four and opening at number five is My Sister’s Keeper, a weepy based on the novel by Jodi Picoult about a young girl who sues for emancipation from her parents who pretty much had her in order to save her older sister who suffers from leukemia. This comes from director Nick Cassavettes and that’s your first clue you’re in trouble. Apparently all he got from his talented father was the name, because these attempts to tell these emotional, dramatic stories fail miserably. I don’t care how many of you loved The Notebook. It was a crap movie from a shit book and usually you can make a good movie from a bad book, because changes are usually all improvements (can you say The Devil Wears Prada?). Cameron Diaz here is another bad sign, given her generally poor taste in scripts and you rarely want to be there when an actor decides they want to “s-t-r-e-t-c-h.” That’s two strikes right there and because I’m an angry geek bastard, Jodi Picoult’s shit run on Wonder Woman is my third. Okay, it wasn’t so much her writing (which did blow), but her response that anyone who didn’t like her crappy story was some loser living in mommy’s basement. Here’s a thought: the next time you decide to write an ongoing series, try taking a look at that series first. I suppose if she stepped in to write on Lost or The Sopranos but wrote something that either conflicted with a previous season or had already been done, you’d all be losers to not like it and point that out too.

LO, HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN

Year One is down to number six and what the hell is Harold Ramis doing? This is the man whose comedic work as a writer and director make him a comedy god. Animal House, Caddyshack, Stripes, Ghostbusters, Groundhog Day, Analyze This…even a failure like Bedazzled has great moments. Jack Black shouldn’t even be allowed to breathe his air, much less work with him. He needs Bill Murray I think, because it was after Groundhog Day that it all went wrong. Multiplicity, Stuart Saves His Family, Bedazzled, The Ice Harvest, and Analyze That…all mediocre to bad. Only Analyze This was the exception to the rule. And Bill Murray needs to stop making art films anyway. A next generation Ghostbusters is going to reunite everyone, but I’d prefer something new. I have this fear of Seth Rogen in Ghostbusters uniform that I just cannot shake.

MAYBE KEKE PALMER AND MILEY CYRUS?

The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3 is down to numb seven and the relative lack of success of this and State of Play is leading people to complain that grown-up movies don’t sell any longer. Well, I won’t argue that having younger actors might have brought in another demographic, but Zac Efron and Nick Cannon simply were not going to make this work. Also State of Play actually did relatively well, as did this. I’d question release dates, for heavier material, staying away from summer. A good opening weekend, which they both did, won’t mean much when something like Star Trek or Transformers opens the following week and drains the box office. But in the end, what really matters is DVD and adults who have kids and can’t get out, will bump up the numbers both films from the comfort of their living rooms.

CRAP WRITING…IN SPACE!

Start Trek is down to number eight and it was written by the same team that brought you Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and that explains a lot as both films are reflections of their directors, having no distinctive voice of their own.

IT NEVER MY FAULT, BUT SOMEONE ELSE’S

Night At The Museum is down to number nine, followed by Away We Go entering the top ten at number ten and this looks like precious indie tripe. It’s because of movies like this I couldn’t find the will to see The Hurt Locker this weekend (not the drinking). Art films just hurt your soul more when they fail because you invest more in them. I can see a big piece of crap like Terminator: Salvation or Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and still be up for more, because I didn’t expect much. But I expect something from director Sam Mendes and this just looks weak from jump street. Also, I’m not an Office fan so John Krasinski means nothing to me. In fact, I’d rather not see his goofy face at all.

JUST LIKE LAW & ORDER, BITCHES!

So it took 25 years in NYC, but I finally saw my first dead body. I was riding my bike up the path where the Fairway grocery store is at 130^th street when I noticed a group of cops, uniformed and plain-clothed standing around. Then I noticed they were standing around something. A body. Partially covered by a white sheet. The head was exposed so I had the wonderful view of his once-brown skin now taking on a gray ash---as well as the flies hovering around it. I thought I noticed a smell too, but thankfully I was moving too fast to make sure. As far as sightings go, this is best. I mean, I dread finding one, especially when I ride because I never take my phone with me and that’s gonna be an awkward conversation later. “Yeah, about an hour ago when I was riding I saw a body. Well, I didn’t have my phone. I don’t carry money either. I don’t talk to other riders either. No, there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m calling now aren’t I?”

SO TELL ME WHERE YOU FROM? UPTOWN, BABY. UPTOWN, BABY.

So, as my “repairs” to my bike coupled with its on natural state of deterioration have left it in a precarious state (can’t change gears, but the brakes are working fine), I decided to get in one more major ride before I handed it over to bike shop to fix what I’d fixed. This time I went all the way up to the tip of Manhattan and crossed the Broadway Bridge into the Bronx to come back down on the east side of the East River facing the city. This was made a bit more difficult by me reading the map wrong and missing that the bike path is only “planned” so until I hit Roberto Clemente Park I was riding in traffic. And that only lasted for a hot second, then it was back down in traffic and some shady areas under the bridges near the river where I fully expected to see another dead body, this time surrounded by the guys who put him there, wondering "What the fuck are you doin’ here, bike boy? Nicky, get bike boy.” I also was treated to the disturbing sight of kids under one of the bridges swimming in the East River. Ewww. Kids, there are public pools. Now, that I was ready to call the cops for immediately because that cannot be good for them. I crossed back over at Macombs which is right at Yankee Stadium. Or should I say, stadiums because for now it seems to be two standing side-by-side. Rather than ride back down the East Side, as I find the sights very unattractive, I decided to go back over to the West Side and came back down through the very nice Riverside Park than the bike path itself. It was almost three hours and I crossed the 600 mile mark on my odometer.

SAPPHIC CONSTUCTION

So, you know you’re accepted when you’re told “You’d better be there, bitch” for the Lesbian Carpenter Birthday party and by that I mean one of the Jezebels who is a lesbian was having a combination birthday party and celebration of her graduation from carpentry school. So yes, a decade later that joke on Will & Grace now makes sense to me (“One of my moms is gay. She can’t dance, but she built our house.”). I wasn’t going at first, but after the aforementioned insistence from her very lovely Kate Winslet-looking girlfriend, Chasing Amy then insisted that I take her, as she wanted one last opportunity to make out with chicks before settling in for a life of beard stubble and the smell of balls. She backed out at the last minute but it’s her loss as there are worst things than a party filled cute, skinny, short-haired lesbians from Canada who either break out into French or have French accents (it’s called a party of nothing but a bunch of ugly dudes arguing about Star Wars and I’ve been there…shudder). Kate Winslet Girlfriend actually worked for Judith Regan as it turns out so she and I exchanged horror stories about working for a demanding yet successful boss, though she had it much worse as Judith Regan deliberately tried to break her will and became more frustrated at each failure. But this also resulted in better stories as Bernie Kerik---the now disgraced former NYC Police Commissioner she was having an affair with using city money and locations---would have sex with her in her office and she’d leave the door partially open so everyone could hear. But if you’re expecting a party filled with lesbians (not that this was the first, but this was mentioned as such on the invite) to be different, think again. The conversation was sex as always, ranging from the realization of women that all the shit you worry about means nothing to us once you’re naked, to a discussion of micro-penises, to one Franco Lesbian’s lust for ironically enough, James Franco, to the plan to convert the straight girls with a full on lesbian who’d give, never expect to receive and would worship then. I made no defense of my side, because that just ain’t happening from a dude. Ever. And because I’m a geek and the Carpenter Birthday Girl was wearing a Wolverine shirt the last time that I saw her, my gift to her was a comic book featuring the new lesbian Batwoman---with a backup feature starring The Question, her ex-girlfriend (yes, the original Question, Vic Sage, is dead). Hey, it was Pride Day.

A WHOLE NEW DEFINITION TO “THUG LOVE”

Speaking of lesbians and Chasing Amy, one night after hanging with her I was walking home up Park Avenue when a private party at a bar had spilled over onto the streets. It was filled with black girls who had all adopted Rhianna as a fashion model and stylish thug dudes who’d opted for 50 Cent. Except as I got closer, I realized those weren’t dudes at all. See, this is why I love this city.

INSERT YOUR OWN SONG-BASED DEATH JOKE HERE

Death is on a rampage, ranging from Z-listers like Billy May to B-listers like Ed McMahon and David Carradine to the A list of Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson. Farrah Fawcett was amazing in a way you may not be able to do any longer as she played one role for one year thirty years ago and was still famous for it. You think Megan Fox is going to be famous for just Transformers in 30 years? And honestly, it may even just be for that damn poster that introduced the erect nipple to an entire generation of young boys and delighted their fathers. But her death was overshadowed by that of Michael Jackson’s and I will admit we will probably never see his like again as we don’t make that kind of performer anymore. He was the last of a line that included Frank Sinatra and Elvis Presley. They weren’t musicians, per se, but performers and out of the three only Michael actually wrote a lot of his own material. Some of his biggest hits came from his own hand, something Frank and Elvis could never say. But honestly for me the man died over a 15 years ago, in the wake of his own growing insanity and abuse of children. As I told a friend who actually interviewed me for it, I’d been a fan of Michael Jackson for as long as I’d been alive. Getting Off The Wall was the highlight of my 13^th birthday and when my friends turned to Prince and repeated the very well known gossip in the black community that Michael wanted to get a sex change and marry Clifton Davis (writer of “Never Can Say Goodbye” and star of That’s My Mama), I was a lone defender. Needless to say, it was sweet revenge when Thriller blew up and those same guys were back to worshipping him. And even when the scandal first hit, I was on his side, smelling extortion…then he found reasons not to come back into the US to face the charges…then he paid. That was it. I don’t care how rich you are, you don’t cough up $23M for a lie. Billionaires don’t piss away $23M with no return on it. No, you only cough up $23M because you’re going to lose a lot more. And if that wasn’t enough the second round was truly the nail in his coffin. Not simply that there was a second round, but the nature of children involved. Poor, minority families, who wouldn’t make too much noise if something happened and could be bought off cheaply if something did come to light, whereas a middle-class white family would know just how much they could get and wouldn’t be financially pressed to settle. He was clearly a predator now and at that point he couldn’t die soon enough for me. But now that he’s gone, I will confess to some feelings of sadness. There’s a child in me that’s hurt by the loss and even though the adult in me realizes he’d rape that child if given half a chance, I nonetheless allow him to mourn. I separated the Michael I loved from the thing he’d become long ago, which why I never had to remove any songs or music from my collection. Speaking of which who the fuck are these “fans” out buying songs. Why didn’t you already have it all!?! The only things I’m missing are videos and until I got my iPod had no reason to buy them. It’s only two I want at that and I already have “Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough” but I’ll be damned if I buy “Rock With You” now with the sheep.

LITTLE RED MOUNTAIN BIKE/WHOO HOO HOO

1. The Proposal/Touchstone Wknd/$ 34.1 Total/$ 34.1

2. The Hangover/Warner Wknd/$ 26.9 Total/$ 152.9

3. Up/Disney Wknd/$ 21.3 Total/$ 224.1

4. Year One/Sony Wknd/$ 20.2 Total/$ 20.2

5. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3/Sony Wknd/$ 11.3 Total/$ 43.3

6. Night At The Museum 2/Fox Wknd/$ 7.3 Total/$ 156.0

7. Star Trek/Paramount Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 239.4

8. Land of the Lost/Universal Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 43.7

9. Imagine That/Paramount Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 11.4

10.Terminator: Salvation/WB Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 119.5

A SERIOUSLY MODEST PROPOSAL

The Proposal opens at number one and this story of an iron-fisted boss who blackmails her assistant into marrying her so she can stay in the country is pretty much a Lifetime/Oxygen movie that escaped into the theaters. Seriously, haven’t you seen this before starring someone like Teri Polo? Or 15 years ago with Markie Post? And you can tell it’s dated because the high-powered industry where Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds work is publishing. Yeah, publishing. Hell, was this even viable a year ago? This stinks of sitting in a drawer because quite frankly, without stars it’s just not that interesting. Unless, you’re at home drinking alone on a Saturday watching a Lifetime marathon. Not that I’ve ever found myself doing that. The saving grace of this is that Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds have built careers on being so engaging and charming that they elevate pieces of mediocrity like this. You just wish they had something better to work with, because the extended gag that has them winding up naked together is so contrived and unfunny, it took a truly bankrupt imagination to conceive it. And there’s not one but two jokes based solely “the white girl likes hip hop” which serve to forever tarnish Rob Bass and DJ EZ Rock’s classic “It Takes Two.” Don’t care so much about them using Lil’ Jon’s “Get Low.”

BECAUSE THERE MUST ALWAYS BE A FUNNY FAT MAN

The Hangover drops down to number two and Zack Galifianakis is another one who’s been hovering around the periphery of actual fame and success for awhile now (can you say Corky Romano?) and this is actually his second film that centers on a blackout drunk night in Las Vegas and a wedding. The first was What Happens In Vegas (of course that catchphrase appears here) and did he ever make a step up in quality. He’s fulfilling the Jack Black role now that people are laboring under the delusion that someone wants to look at a goofy fat bastard in a leading role.

THEY’D HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF REMAKING CAVEMAN

Up is down to number three, followed by Year One opening at number four, showing the limited appeal of a goofy fat bastard in a leading role. Yes, this stars Jack Black and Michael Cera and just what is this proud history of comedies about biblical history that made them think this was a good idea? Even Mel Brooks knew enough to make one Bible joke in his movie then get the hell out. And you’d think Wholly Moses would have been enough to put the nail in the coffin of this forever. If Richard Pryor can’t save your Biblical comedy then nothing can. Only one movie ever made this work and the response of the church condemning it as sacrilege was proof of how funny it was: Monty Python’s The Life of Brian. Because let’s face it: you can’t have a Biblical comedy unless you’re willing to make fun of The Bible (“Gee, what’s up with Lot and his daughters?”) and there’s going to be blowback over that. Blowback these guys obviously weren’t willing to risk. Not from studios still trying to figure out how to get some of that Passion of Christ money.

THE NEW YORK GROOVE

The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3 is down to number five and I measure films about New York according how “real” they get. Does it look dirty? Is it too well lit? Is there a mysteriously dearth of minorities or ethnicity? Do people drop the “f bomb” like it’s going out of style? Are they cynical with a limited appetite for bullshit? This does look dirty, it’s not overly well lit, your stars all answers your question about ethnicity (Black, Italian, Puerto Rican); the R-rating makes sure the New York love of the word “fuck” is authentically represented and when a guy on the train calls the mayor a “douchebag” to his face, you know we’re keeping it real. NYC, bitchez! Represent!

MAY THE LOGIC BE WITH YOU

Night At The Museum: Battle for the Smithsonian is down to number six, followed by Star Trek at number seven and if you think I was exaggerating that this movie was for people who wished Star Trek was more like Star Wars, know that R2D2 makes an appearance if you keep your eyes sharp. Well, that and this is about a farm boy who goes to the stars to fight the man who killed his father who has a giant planet-killing spaceship and the girl the farm boy wants winds up in the arms of a guy he doesn’t like at first, but later becomes his best buddy.

PRETTY, BLACK, NICE RACK, SHORT HAIR. NO THE OTHER ONE.

Land of the Lost is down to number eight followed by Imagine That at number nine and also in this is Nicole Ari Parker, best known to you as Becky Barnett, the Black girl from Boogie Nights. Yeah, I’m sure she thought her career was headed up after that too, but as we know Hollywood can only handle one minority actress at a time and Halle Berry has had the Black category on lockdown for well over a decade now, ever since she showed Angela Basset what little talent had to do, had to do with it.

HE MAY NOT BE BACK

Finally, Terminator Salvation is closing out the top ten at number ten and apparently this is doing gangbusters overseas ($165M there as opposed to $120 here), but before the bean counters at Sony get happy, remember how well The Golden Compass did overseas too. It’s just that when your film costs $200M it’s gonna take some serious DVD sales to put you into the black and as a geek, I won’t be buying this.

ONE EXCEPTION: ALL PIXAR PRODUCTS NEW

So I stopped buying new DVDs last year because I told myself I’d be getting a new HDTV and subsequent BluRay DVD player, so why buy stuff I was only going to replace anyway? Well, given how tight money is, it’s unlikely any of that will be happening soon and coupled with my recent cancellation of premium cable changes I started picking stuff up again. It started with Smallville, then Will & Grace. All bought off eBay at tremendous discounts and used (though I did get one season of Will & Grace brand spanking new that way). I was actually looking for gifts for Chasing Amy and her new HDTV (not that I’m jealous or anything…bitch) when I stumbled upon Best Buy’s ridiculous DVD sales. $4? Shit, that’s the cost of a rental. So I finally picked up “dumb fun” movies like The Fifth Element and Starship Troopers. Yeah, I know they’re on TNT every other day, but you cannot watch Starship Troopers edited and The Fifth Element needs to be letterboxed (not to mention Mila Jovovich’s important nudity). I also replaced my copy of The Replacement Killers with the Director’s Cut, which explained little things…like the characters. Blockbuster is also a good place because their enormous rental inventory means used copies are on sale quickly and since even now Iron Man is still $20, I picked up it and Underworld 3 in their “2 for $20” sale. Yeah, there’s not a lot of art entering my house these days, but I can’t remember the last arty fartsy film that I saw anyway. Times are tough and we just need to see shit blow up real good to help us make it through.

YET ANOTHER STORY OF A ME AND THAT THING BETWEEN MY LEGS THAT I LOVE TO PLAY WITH

I’ve stared riding my bike every day now for two reasons: 1) given all the rain, you don’t know when the next sunny day is coming, so you’d better grab every one like it’s the last, ‘cause it just may be, and 2) I’m a fat fuck and unless I want to die when I go back to kung-fu next month, I’d better try and get back into some kind of shape. Unfortunately, I may have screwed this up when I decided to replace the brakes and the shift cable and while riding one of the front brakes dropped off entirely. It’s funny in retrospect. Luckily, I did the back brakes a little better and they’ve been carrying me through (though as my bike advisor has told me, physics makes the front bakes the more important). But I had to do it. The bike is over ten years old and two days after I bought the new shift cable, the old cable gave way, trapping me in one gear. Also, if I don’t do it myself, I’ll never learn and have to pay someone every time some little thing goes wrong. Oh, and did we forget that “money is tight” thing? I’m not paying someone $40 for labor on top of $40 for parts. The friggin’ bike only cost me $40 a year ago! But I’m not the only one who’s done this. I’ve found other people who’ve bought this same bike and love it insanely as a great first bike. They even post pictures of it online. But I’ll never do that. I love my bike too, but that’s right up there with taking pictures of your cat. Though there is nothing nobler than taking pictures of your action figure collection.

TRAIN IN VAIN

1. The Hangover/Warner Wknd/$ 33.5 Total/$ 105.4

2. Up/Disney Wknd/$ 30.5 Total/$ 187.2

3. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3/Sony Wknd/$ 25.0 Total/$ 25.0

4. Night At The Museum 2/Fox Wknd/$ 9.2 Total/$ 143.4

5. Land of the Lost/Universal Wknd/$ 9.2 Total/$ 35.0

6. Imagine That/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.7 Total/$ 5.7

7. Star Trek/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 232.0

8. Terminator: Salvation/WB Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 113.8

9. Angels & Demons/Sony Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 123.3

10. Drag Me To Hell/Universal Wknd/$ 3.9 Total/$ 35.1

PRETTY PEOPLE RISE

As it turns out The Hangover actually won last week so it’s hanging on the number one slot this week and no one is happier about this than Bradley Cooper, who is this generation’s Tony Goldwyn. You know, the slightly handsome guy usually playing the asshole next to the truly handsome guy. He’s been hanging around on the periphery of stardom for awhile now, in movies like Wedding Crashers and Failure To Launch, not to mention being on shows like Alias and Nip/Tuck. My personal favorite was the TV series based on Anthony Bourdain’s book “Kitchen Confidential.” It was a great show that never got a fair shake and he was good in it. And on a more infamous note he was married to Jennifer Esposito for about nine months. I wanna know what went wrong, but I’m a little afraid to know what went wrong. And it’s never couples like that who make a sex tape. I’m just saying. Also grateful for what is actually a second shot at the brass ring is Heather Graham. Do you think she sees Megan Fox and wants to give her a warning about the years to come for someone who became a star purely because every male from 14 to 50 wants to fuck her? And like most sex symbols, when the ride is over and they don’t have marriage and a family, she’s gone nuts. She’s now a wiccan who thinks Obama owes the election to work of “white magic” she and her sister witches were practicing. It’s amazing that both her career and Joseph Fiennes were done in by a single movie: Killing Me Softly, where they spend most of their time naked and fucking and providing some of the worst acting you’ve ever seen. But she never stopped working on the indie film circuit, though most of them have been awful, with the exception of The Guru, where she again played a porn star. She plays a stripper and escort here, so when you factor Boogie Nights into it, I guess she does her best work as a sex worker.

NO IT’S NOT THE JOKE ABOUT WHAT’S ON TOP OF THE HOUSE

Up holds at number two and did I mention the greatness that were the dogs in this movie with their collars that allow them to speak? There are two great pop culture references in the movie involving dogs that slip by almost unnoticed, but the greater one actually drew applause from people in the audience, myself included. That’s the one I won’t give away because it’s so great to see it, but the other has the dogs in little planes attacking the floating house. The code names of the dogs while in their planes? Red 5, Red 2 and Red 3. Yes, the numbers Luke, Wedge and Biggs have at the end of Star Wars. And remember that’s the not the funniest one.

SHOULDN’T JLO HAVE BEEN ON THIS TRAIN? IT IS THE 6, RIGHT?

The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3 opens at number three and I must admit to never having seen the original and for the worst reasons possible. Walter Matthau was ugly as was most of the cast. Authentic NYC to be sure, but that doesn’t make it any easier to watch. Sorry, but it’s true. I’ve got a large gap in my 70’s film ouvre due simply to the fact it was the time when guys like Walter Matthau, Eliot Gould and Dustin Hoffman were bonafide box office stars. I could claim it’s a feminist statement because women were still required to be beautiful, but it was also when Sissy Spacek, Jill Clayburgh and yes, Diane Keaton were stars too, so I’m just going to have to own up to being very, very shallow. If Burt Reynolds or Robert Redford or even Al Pacino had played the role, I’d have seen it by now. But the upside is I can judge this film on its own merits and not be forever comparing it to the original. Not that this will help a Tony Scott film in the least. Only Tony Scott could take an already compelling story with good actors and think “Hey, you know what this needs? Non-stop visual flourishes that otherwise contribute nothing to the story. No, we don’t need to pay the writers to maybe fix some of these plot holes. That wouldn’t involve me showing my shit.” Sorry, but the biggest flaw in this is that in a post 9/11 NYC anything even remotely suggesting a terrorist attack would not only be met with local law enforcement. NYC is sore spot for every government agency and the fact the FBI doesn’t even get lip service here is nothing short of ridiculous. But if you can suspend your disbelief enough it’s not a bad two hours and given my Tony Scott dislike, that’s not easy for me to say. This movie’s strongest aspect is its straight up NYC (and adjacent areas) acting crew. Yes, I realize the irony of saying that after my opening statement. No one is passing off people from LA or Boston or anywhere else as New Yorkers (there’s still bile in my throat from Matthew McConughey being from Staten Island in How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days). It’s Denzel Washington (NYC), John Travolta (Jersey), John Turturro (NYC), Luis Guzman (NYC), James Gandolfini (NYC). In fact, who knows how much better this would have been with a NYC director at the helm instead of this Brit hack. Not that the writers are blameless. Exactly what was the point of a kid on the train with a computer that allows a video feed from inside the train? Aside from contributing nothing to the story, there’s no way they’d just let it keep going on. It’s like a heavy-handed attempt to show, “Look how different we are from the 70’s version. We’ve got computers and the internet!” So stupid. Okay, in the time it took me to write this, the original ran on A&E and it’s so filled with trademark NYC wiseass behavior it borders on a comedy, especially when Walter Matthau is directing it at the hijackers! Having Jerry Stiller as his sidekick on adds to that.

‘CAUSE REDNECKS IS FUNNY!

Night at the Museum: Battle for the Smithsonian is down to number four, followed by Land of the Lost at number five and also in this is Danny McBride (as Will) and he’s as much of a one-trick pony as his sponsors, Judd Apatow (man-boyism) and Will Ferrell (buffoon). Not that he could play anything more than these idiot, redneck mouth-breathers, but it gets old fast and even Will Ferrell knows to make his buffoons somewhat lovable.

TIME FOR BEVERLY HILLS COP IV?

Imagine That opens at number five and it appears Eddie Murphy’s kiddie career is finally losing steam. I hope The Rock is paying attention. I had no desire to see this, but I won’t pretend I didn’t laugh at the trailer. I didn’t see Daddy Day Care either, but when I saw it on cable it wasn’t that bad. Maybe I’ll have my premium channels back up by the time this comes on.

MEN AT WORK

Star Trek is down to number seven and here as the villain is Eric Bana who was a part of the Australian invasion of a few years back, headed by Hugh Jackman and Russell Crowe, only they sucked up all the success and didn’t leave much for anyone else. Well that and the fact The Hulk wasn’t quite what they’d hoped it’d be and while Troy may have made money, he came in a distant third in that movie behind Brad Pitt and even Orlando Bloom, though he had the most heroic character. Right beside him is New Zealander Karl Urban who does a bang up job as Dr. McCoy. Real geeks know him best as none other than Cupid from Xena Warrior Princess. Unlike Bana, however, he’s only had one real failure of a starring role and that was Pathfinder, but a solid career in supporting roles in everything from the Lord of the Rings Trilogy to The Bourne Supremacy (he was the Russian agent) to this. Of course for me he’s rocking with Thandie Newton as Lord and Lady Vacco in Chronicles of Riddick. If you ever wanted a sexy Macbeth in Space, they bring it.

AN APT DESCRIPTION OF HIS ACTING SKILLS

Terminator Salvation is down to number eight and Common is in this. Why, I don’t know but there’s some pissed off Black actors out there because it’s not like he’s good at it or even brings any presence. And to think, he was actually cast as Green Lantern in the planned Justice League movie before it was called off. Helena Bonham Carter’s appearance however, is how you make the most of only a few minutes. It’s true what they say, no small parts, only small actors. And they just waste Michael Ironside.

PARADISE LOST

Angels and Demons is down to number nine, followed befittingly enough by Drag Me To Hell at number ten.

ONE MORE TIME: BAD BOYS DO BAD THINGS.

If you wonder why Daisy De LaHoya would need a dating show, you need only follow the progress of the guy she called “Fox.” Easily the best-looking guy on the show, he knew it and played her like a flute. Unfortunately, he’s not the brightest thing in creation as evidenced every time he opened his mouth. However, when he opened it to kiss her, she overlooked it. And you know what, I respected her for that! But his sheer stupidity came back to haunt him as the producers tracked down his girlfriend to come on the show. His brother called to warn him and his attempt to defuse the situation by “confessing” to Daisy would have been a total failure for anyone less attractive as it was the most idiotic declaration of half-truths you’d ever hear from someone not running for office. Such boldfaced playa dickery almost commands respect. It was near Clintonian---except for him being the definition of inarticulate, but when you can get booty with a smile, why would you learn words? This week, however, it caught up to him when his girlfriend flat out called the house and spoke to Daisy. Even then he attempted to weasel out (despite being cold busted as Oran Juice Jones would say) with a defense that echoed Eddie Murphy’s classic routine about straight denial. He all but said, “Are you going to believe me or your own lying eyes?” It was awe-inspiring, but again he was just too dumb to do it properly. Still, because she so wanted to fuck him she almost went for it (and again, I respect that!). Almost. And so my favorite contestant is gone, because you need a good villain to make a show work.

LIKE FINE WINE

She’s Got The Look, a.k.a. America’s Top 35-And-Over Model returned for a second season and the more of these women I see the more I lose respect for George Clooney for his steady diet of 20-something waitresses when he could have a gorgeous woman he could actually talk to who might actually know her way around a dick. Clearly the first season was a success so they’re a bit more aware of themselves this time, hence the choosing of openly crazy person, the out lesbian and the transgender to make the show more “interesting.” Needless to say, they kept the lesbian and the crazy person, because being crazy didn’t make her any less blonde or thin. Not to mention there’s no way in hell Beverly Johnson is going to let you throw out a 72-year-old black woman who modeled for Jet and Ebony in the 50’s, so eliminations are clearly biased for the sake of entertainment. I mean why else would the crazy, desperate actress who came in playing a freaking character make it!?! And they kicked it up a notch by keeping an 11^th person when it was only supposed to be 10. But the best change in the new season is that damn Roxette song is gone.

FOXY HEATHERTON, ATTORNEY AT LAW

I haven’t been back to Brooklyn to party with my Jezebel girls for awhile now, but after two months of being forced to be solitary and anti-social by my hemmrhoid, I’ve actually tried to get out of my house. I’m sure I’ll be over it soon enough, but in the meantime I found myself once again with my Jezebel girls in Brooklyn at a birthday party cookout---for her dog. Hey, we’re between holidays so you take excuses to throw parties where you can find them. The rain luckily gave us a reprieve to have the cookout and our lesbian grill master did very good work. Speaking of which, I think the Indigo Girls have cast and undue stereotype upon our sapphic sisters because when the dance music kicked up they were ready to get their groove on. And here I thought only gay men kept Ce Ce Penningston working off two hits for twenty years. Despite the presence of the “dangerous punch” there was no repeat of the New Year’s Eve decadence. Or maybe it’s because there were so many lawyers. And not just lawyers, beautiful lawyers. Suddenly every joke I’d ever made about the ridiculousness of someone like Megan Fox playing an attorney came back to haunt me. Of course the beautiful Black girl lawyer was with the dorkiest White guy on earth, but I’m sure he was a lawyer too, whereas I showed up wearing a t-shirt that read “I Love Cheese” with a belly to back it up, so who am I to say anything?

THAT’S SIR DRACULA TO YOU

Geek news: Christopher Lee was made a knight by the Queen. I just wish Peter Cushing could have lived to get one. You know geeks like Peter Jackson and Tim Burton would have gushed over him as well.

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WAKING UP AND COMING TO

1. Up/Disney Wknd/$ 68.2 Total/$ 68.2
2. The Hangover/Warner Wknd/$ 43.3 Total/$ 43.3
3. Land of the Lost/Universal Wknd/$ 19.5 Total/$ 19.5
4. Night At The Museum 2/Fox Wknd/$ 14.7 Total/$ 127.3
5. Star Trek/Paramount Wknd/$ 8.4 Total/$ 222.8
6. Terminator: Salvation/WB Wknd/$ 8.2 Total/$ 105.5
7. Drag Me To Hell/Universal Wknd/$ 7.3 Total/$ 28.5
8. Angels & Demons/Sony Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 116.1
9. My Life In Ruins/FoxSearch Wknd/$ 3.2 Total/$ 3.2
10. Dance Flick/Paramount Wknd/$ 2.0 Total/$ 22.7

‘CAUSE THE KIDS DIG LOU GRANT
Up holds on to the number one slot and another one of the reasons Pixar always makes better product is that they cast for the role. No one thinks “Hey, lets get Ed Asner. That’ll really bring in the bucks.” No, they chose the actor best suited for the character, unlike the Dreamworks philosophy, which brought you Brad Pitt as Sinbad. Anyone even remember that movie? Exactly. Pretty pictures and big names do not a good animated film make. First of all, it really doesn’t matter a lot that you cast Brad Pitt, Catherine Zeta Jones and Michele Pfeiffer BECAUSE NO ONE IS GOING TO SEE THEM ANYWAY!!! And it’s not like any one of them has a distinct movie voice. Those days are long over. Rich Little would starve if he started out today.

WHAT’S THE SEQUEL? THE DRY HEAVES?
The Hangover opens at number two and I’m really not a fan of man-boy comedies, but this was heavier on the man side and every commercial and every trailer had me laughing my ass off. It’s got the best hook ever: three guys try to figure out what happened to them the previous night which left them married, missing a tooth, briefly hospitalized, in the possession of a cop car, not to mention a tiger and down one friend. You’d have to be pretty fucking incompetent to fuck that up and they are not. Don’t get me wrong; this is not Noel Coward. It’s crass comedy, but it’s crass comedy that delivers. Unlike so many in the wake of epic crude masterpieces like Blazing Saddles and Animal House, they don’t’ think all it takes are some boobs, some drinking and one gratuitous use of an animal to make one of these. It actually takes some imagination which is why Road Trip (from the same director) has not stood the test of even 9 years, much less 20. When was the last time anyone even thought about American Pie outside of the launching pad of Tara Reid’s self-destruction? But this director learned which how we have Old School and now this. This also takes the near revolutionary tactic of jettisoning the nice guy. All these movies have your typical four-man crew: Nice Guy, Roguish Best Friend, Mutual Dorky Friend and The Freak. In Road Trip that was Breckin Meyer, Sean William Scott and Paul Costanzo and DJ Qualls playing both dorky and freak (but with Tom Green also playing freak). In Old School it was Luke Wilson, Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrell playing dorky with a touch of freak. Now, usually the Nice Guy is at the center trying to restrain the chaos of his best friends, but here we have him MIA as his friends trying to track him down with no calm center in the middle. It’s an inspired choice.

WHERE’S SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS!?!
Speaking of Old School and Will Ferrell, Land of the Lost opens at number three and I have to confess, though a die hard fan of all the Sid & Marty Kroff universe, this was ironically my least favorite, though by far their biggest hit. It guess it was because I came in late and there already seemed to be an established universe with an ongoing plotline that I felt I had to play catch up, and back when I was a kid there was no internet where you could just look things up or watch old episodes. If you missed it, you just had to wait for the summer reruns. Also, the Sleestak scared the shit out of me and I didn’t need that on a Saturday morning. But they decided to jettison the actual dramatic adventure premise of the show for a comedic one and the fans have not responded. The original fans are clearly annoyed and to the rest of the world this is just another Will Ferrell buffoon comedy act slapped onto an old kid’s show. The third one in just two years (Semi-Pro and Step Brothers both came out last year). Ferrell suffers without strong comedic players around him to balance him out and Chi McBride is just not in his weight class yet. He needed John C. Reilly or one of the Wilson Brothers to help him out here.

AND WHERE’S THE BEST DAMN DANCER AT THE ABT TODAY, HUH? EXACTLY.
Night at the Museum: Battle For The Smithsonian is down to number four, followed by Star Trek at number five and no one is happier for the success of this than Zoe Saldana who is one of those actors you’ve seen forever in at least one or two films that you like or even love (in my case it’s Center Stage and fuck you very much if you’ve got some shit to say about that), but she’s never been a household name. And worse, she’s one of the only speaking members of the Pirates of the Caribbean cast not to come back for the record-breaking sequels. Well, baby, you may have missed out on a billion dollar movie, but you’ve hopped onto a multi-billion dollar franchise and what’s more, thanks to the change of Uhura actually being Spock’s girlfriend, you’ll always have a significant role and not just be handed one or two token lines or a single small scene like the others. So tell Keira Knightley so kiss your Vulcan-loving ass.

SOMEWHERE ROBERT PATRICK AND KRISTANNA LOKEN WONDER WHY THEY DIDN’T GET A CALL
Terminator Salvation is down to number six and they’re so desperate to get people into see this now they’re giving away the “secret cameo” by Arnold Schwarzenegger in the commericals. Well, it’s a CGI (by the way, that’s Computer Generated Image) version of him from the first film. Linda Hamilton also returns, kinda, in the audiotapes that John Connor listens to. But this sadly completes the failure that Terminator 3 started in the lack of a kick-ass female. T3 realized its mistake in the last five minutes, but by then it was too late (it took a military brat two hours to figure out she knew how to fight rather than just scream a lot?). Moon Bloodgood as resistance fighter clearly should have been that woman here (as John Connor’s wife is pregnant) but they totally waste her. She seems to be destined to be in failed science fiction and fantasy efforts from Daybreak to Pathfinder to Journeyman to Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li. Still she could still be the latest Caroline Munro, just like Dina Meyer has become. And if you know who Caroline Munro is, you’re a sad geek. And we probably need to hang.

AND YOU SHALL KNOW IT BY THE TRAIL OF THE DEAD
Drag Me To Hell has fallen to number seven and the other aspect this is missing is cannon fodder. Every horror movie has a certain amount of people whose sole purpose is to die at the hands of the monster on the way to final conflict between it and our hero. This doesn’t seem to have that and since we know she’s gotta make it, what fun is there for the horror fan there to see blood spilled and creatures run amuck?

WHO LOVES YA, BABY? NO ONE, IT SEEMS.
Angels & Demons is down to number eight, followed by My Life In Ruins, opening at number nine and I totally hated My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I thought it was a sub-par Lifetime movie that escaped to the theaters and somehow became a big hit thanks to Greeks who apparently felt neglected since Telly Salvalas left the screen and Jennifer Anniston refuses to own up to her ethnicity. Well, this also is clearly for them, actually taking place in Greece this time, but looking as lame and uninspired as before. Like slob comedies and action movies, romantic comedies look easy, but are actually very difficult to do well, as Nia Vardalos keeps proving.

IN LIVING COLOR BACK ON THE AIR IN 3…2…1….
Finally, Dance Flick closes out the top ten at number ten as the Wayans family sits back and looks for the next movie trend they can try and mock, because this dance thing clearly didn’t work out.

I GOTTA RIDE LIKE THE WIND TO BE FREE AGAIN
So Wednesday morning I go to the doctor to get my final check up and it’s good, so ten hours later, I’m is out the door capturing the last remnants of daylight, riding against traffic down to the bike path next to the West Side Highway, slipping through the tourists in front of the USS Intrepid and the Circle Line, blowing past the leisure riders on their cruisers, but being smoked by the pretentious twats who keep their racing numbers still on. The wind is against me, but I’m actually glad because it means I get to work a little harder, but in no time I’m down past Chelsea Piers and the gorgeous IAC building, then the West Village (thinking the Richard Meir designed apartments in the West Village have to be cold in winter with floor to ceiling glass windows facing the Hudson), into Tribeca, past the sad hole glowing with construction lights that used to be the World Trade Center until a pause for water at the Battery Park pier where the brave and foolish fish under the gaze of the Statue of Liberty after the tourists have left. Then it’s back up, faster now with a tailwind and a second chance to admire the gorgeous female joggers with legs of banded steel I first saw coming down, now also on their return. I go further up the west side, past home, on beyond the block-long Hustler Club, through the shadows behind Lincoln Center until the lights of the George Washington Bridge are visible, stopping there to return home because that ride is and was for Saturday. 14 miles, one hour, the greatest ride in the world, in greatest city in the world, always reminding me why I suffer to stay here. Baby, I am back! But oddly my legs weren’t nearly as sore as expected, while my crotch was moreso. Time to do a bike overhaul and replace things, starting with that damn seat cushion.

SOLE SURVIVOR
So I found my shoes. Actually, I found them a few times, but never my freaking size. Damn my average sized 9.5 sized feet! And if it was my size it wasn’t in the color I wanted. Damn you Macy’s, where I could have gotten it super-cheap thanks to a coupon! Finally, a David Z. on 14th street came through, which was slightly embarrassing given the David Z’s I’d walked past not thinking they’d be carrying it. Now, I’m briefly happy.

NOW IT WILL BE REFERRED TO AS “DOING A CARRADINE”
I was a bad week for 70’s kung fu when David Carradine accidentally died playing some stupid sex game. But I guess when you’re 72 years old and a child of Hollywood, you’ve pretty much gotten off every normal way possible and need new way to get your kicks. The family is going for a murder investigation, but they should let it go. I mean it’s freaking Thailand. You might not like what you may find, Taylor. It could be some 12-year-old girl assassin getting revenge like in Kill Bill for the way he treated her mother who was a caterer on Lone Wolf McQuade Shih Kieh, best known to you as Han from Enter The Dragon, also died at the age of 93 of natural causes, because apparently he knew better than to tie a rope around his neck and balls in an effort to get off.

HOW STRANGE, SO MANY JEWS IN SHOW BUSINESS IN HEW YORK
Very minor celeb sightings, but they’re plentiful recently. Jonathan Schwartzman on 11th Avenue, Jackie Mason on Broadway and 55th, Gilbert Gottfried on 8th and 47th, David Hyde Pierce on 8th & 49th (he’s doing a show on Broadway) and Richard Kind and his kids running for the bus on Broadway and 58th.

THEN I REMEMBER THAT JOEY LAUREN ADAMS HERSELF IS 41
Chasing Amy threw herself a birthday party for the very first time and this one I had to make. I’ve been feeling a modicum of guilt over recently missed birthday parties thrown by friends which were actually on the isle of Manhattan and never on the upper east side, so I had no excuse other than twice I simply forgot and the other I was geeking out and working on a computer. Chasing Amy has a good-sized studio on Park Avenue in the 30’s and I was there no less than five minutes before she again brings up the idea that we’ll still be doing what we’re doing ten years from now because all that’s changed in the last 10 years that we’ve known on another is more expensive toys and better clothing. It only hurts because it’s probably true. Were I more career oriented, I might have taken advantage of the fact that Chasing Amy and I are in the same line of work now and made some contacts with her friends who are also in the advertising business, but we all now that’s not me. Instead I talked a little shop with the people from her karate class who were there in force, which made it probably the most fit group of partygoers I’d ever seen who were actually straight. And given that Chasing Amy is attractive it was no surprise a good deal of her female friends were as well. While making frozen margaritas (the only reason I think I was actually invited), I was talking to one who was thinking of moving from swimming to kung-fu. Hmmm, that sounds familiar. Of course she lives in Jersey City and seemed to delight in taking pictures of Chasing Amy’s cat. Seriously, what is with women and cats? They don’t love you, you know. They’d sell you into slavery for a fish head if they could. In any case, there were also people from our mutual Columbia House past. Not that I remembered any of them. Well, one but only because he was sleazy and annoying (he actually used the line “I think all women are actually bisexual” after a slightly dim, large breasted co-worker spoke proudly of kissing a girl). Now he’s 20 pounds heavier, even more bald and just as sleazy, trying to talk up 25-year-old hottie who had a six-foot doctor husband so good looking in his own right, the gays in the corner were in a tizzy over him. It’s not a good party unless someone goes too far and they did---falling asleep while on the toilet with her pants around her ankles. Someone had to pick the lock to get her out and then it took us half an hour of sobering her up to find out where she lived other than “415 Williamsburg.” The party lasted until around 3:00 am when it was just four of us left standing---and by standing I mean one guy fell asleep in a chair. And he was wearing the shoes I was looking for! If they’d been in my color, I would have taken them off his drunk ass. The next day Chasing Amy and I met for brunch at Markt on 6th and 21st to cure our mild hangovers with butter and grease. My waffle was good, but as light as air and I prefer that “rock-in-your-stomach” heaviness in my morning meals. My bacon, on the other hand, is going make me go back.

ALL THE TRAMPS KNOW EACH OTHER
My guiltiest pleasure right now has to be the Denise Richards reality show. I never cared for her one way or the other until I saw it and found out she usually has a thick midwestern accent and curses like a sailor. And is it just me or does it comes as no surprise that she’s friends with C-list sexpot, Krista Allen, whose claim to fame is once dating George Clooney and apparently boning him so well he put her in his HBO show, Unscripted, even after they’d broken up? She also seems to be a bit of a “frienemy” the way she kept telling Denise none of the dresses worked even though they were in a hurry, and also while shopping for herself with no one judging her. I hope she shows up in every single episode doing the same shit all the time.

THE MYSTERY REVEALED
So, in case you’re wondering just who and what a Dorito Cheeseburger Woman is (Karyn Plonsky), this a screen test she did a year or so back that I helped her post on YouTube last week during yet another late night IT visit, not to be confused with the upcoming late night “This is how eBay works” visits. She didn’t get it, but given it went to Robin Weigert, who played Calamity Jane on Deadwood and is all kinds of awesome, she shouldn’t be ashamed but flattered she was even going for the same type of role as someone like that. But it didn’t help that the guy playing opposite her is actually the screenwriter and he sucks. He also directed the screen test and he’s no good at that either. Thank god the movie had a real director.

SAVE A PRAYER FOR THE MORNING AFTER

1. Up/Disney Wknd/$ 68.2 Total/$ 68.2
2. Night At The Museum 2/Fox Wknd/$ 25.5 Total/$ 105.3
3. Drag Me To Hell/Universal Wknd/$ 16.6 Total/$ 16.6
4. Terminator: Salvation/WB Wknd/$ 16.1 Total/$ 90.7
5. Star Trek/Paramount Wknd/$ 12.8 Total/$ 209.5
6. Angels & Demons/Sony Wknd/$ 11.2 Total/$ 104.8
7. Dance Flick/Paramount Wknd/$ 4.9 Total/$ 19.2
8. X-Men Origins: Wolverine/Fox Wknd/$ 3.9 Total/$ 170.9
9. Ghost of Girlfriends Past/NL Wknd/$ 3.8 Total/$ 50.0
10. Obsessed/ScreenGem Wknd/$ .7 Total/$ 67.5

WITH THE SEQUEL BE “UP, UP AND AWAY?”
Up opens at number one to no one’s surprise and boy does it ever deserve to be here. Even when they disappoint (Cars, Ratatouille) Pixar’s films are always once step above regular animated fare because they always have a heart to them that the others lack. Seriously, what’s the “heart” of fucking Shrek? Ice Age? Monsters Vs. Aliens? Nothing and no, “a desire to entertain” is not enough and let’s not pretend they EVEN care. No one who had anything to do with Shrek 3 had anything beyond a full bank account in mind. Up is pure heart from the word “go” beginning with lead character meeting the love of his life as a child, both of them fans of a famous explorer. This leads to a wordless montage of their lives together and if you aren’t teary eyed by its end, then you have no soul. The scene where they look at clouds and see babies only to discover she can’t have kids is nothing short of heartbreaking. Again, no tears = no soul. Left a widower, he keeps his promise to his late wife of taking her to South America by tying a million balloons to his house and floating away on the day they come to take him away to a rest home. Unfortunately an overly enthusiastic boy scout he tried to blow off with a snipe hunt was under his house at the time (looking for said snipe) and becomes an all-too-willing partner on his adventure. But he’s not some two-dimensional movie kid either, as his need for a new merit badge turns out to be motivated by his divorced father’s promise to attend the ceremony once he gets it. This isn’t to say the film’s not as funny as always, beginning with said first meeting of the main character and his wife (where she pretty much breaks his arm) and continuing on to the dogs, who absolutely steal. The. Show. Given collars that transform their thoughts into words, we learn just how deep the hatred for squirrels truly runs in the canine world. As is their dislike for mailmen with one of the best running jokes being how they constantly refer to the boy scout as a “tiny mailman” and taunt him by saying none of his other “tiny mailman” friends can help him. I will not be surprised if they are the ones to get the usual Disney spin-off. Pixar also gets major points for making the boy scout Asian without the slightest mention of it. He’s not an Asian kid, but a kid who happens to be Asian and it has absolutely no bearing on the story or his character. I’m sure Disney thanks Pixar for helping to wash away the stain of Song of the South. What also sets Pixar apart is its approach to 3D. One of the directors said he has no use for “stunts” but only what it can do to enrich the visual experience. And it does. The balloons, a major part of the story, look absolutely amazing. You forget you’re actually watching 3D then they appear onscreen and it looks like you can touch them. I’d given up on my dreams of HDTV and a blu-ray DVD player in this current economy, but there’s no point in owning this without them.

IT’S LIKE NOT HAVING BUTTER AND SUGAR IN YOUR CAKE
Night at the Museum: Battle for the Smithsonian is down to number two, vanquished as a soulless sequel should be, followed by Drag Me To Hell opening at number three and honestly I expected this to do better, but I can understand why it didn’t. Everyone knows you can’t get a good horror movie with a PG13 rating. By going PG to get a larger audience, they alienated that very same audience. When I was a kid I had to force myself to see Poltergeist for that very reason. PG means you lose two valuable aspects of the horror genre: sex and gore and the kids know it. Not to mention as any horror fan knows, Sam Raimi never did “serious horror.” All the Evil Dead movies are comedies. Not that this doesn’t seem effective. I don’t do the scary to begin with and this messed with me in the theater (the fly up the nose!?!), so there was no way in hell I was going to see it.

NOTHING BLOWED UP REAL GOOD
Terminator Salvation is down to number four and another component missing from this is the contemporary setting. Part of the fun of all the Terminator movies was watching them just wreck havoc in our world, utterly unconcerned by the consequences. Sarah Connor and her son because they knew the world was going to end anyway and The Terminators because, well, they were Terminators. Unfortunately that ended with the world ending in the third film, so you really don’t get a lot of Terminator carnage in a movie called Terminator. Seriously, what’s the point of a Terminator movie if he’s not fucking shit up!?!

TO SUMMON THE LIGHTNING OR NOT SUMMON THE LIGHTNING, THAT IS THE QUESTION
Star Trek is down to number five and this movie is rich in geek connections via the actors. Aside from Chris Pine being mentioned as a potential Green Lantern for the movie currently in pre-production, Chekhov is Kyle Reese in Terminator: Salvation, Spock is Sylar on Heroes, McCoy was in The Chronicles of Riddick and Lord of the Ring and Nero was the first Hulk. Now, the guy playing Kirk’s father in this movie has been selected to play Thor. I don’t think he’s Nordic-looking enough, but I hated the idea of Robert Downey Jr as Iron Man and look how that turned out. I’m going to have to trust Kenneth Brannagh on this one. Yes, he’s directing. Everybody’s on the superhero bandwagon now because capes sell more than Shakespeare.

THIS TRULY IS THE DARK SIDE OF THE FORCE
Angels and Demons is down to number six and also in this is Ewan McGregor and remember when he was the shit after Trainspotting? Yeah, me too. Sorry, but those Star Wars movies derailed his career as much as movies like The Island did because doing them meant he couldn’t be doing new and original movies (odds alone suggest one or two had to be good). I mean no one thinks of him as Obi Wan, so what’s the point? The last movie that did anything for him was Moulin Rouge---eight years ago! But how interesting is now that he Christian Bale and Jonathan Rhys Meyers were all in Velvet Goldmine together, sometimes having sex? How much would it cost to get that cast together now?

THESE ARE BAD MOVIES REAL ACTORS SHOULD BE MAKING
Dance Flick is down to number seven, followed by X-Men Origins: Wolverine at number eight and what the fuck is Will I. Am from The Black Eyed Peas doing here? Did they all get movie roles while waiting on Fergie to come back (another one of them was in Street Fighter a few months ago). God knows he doesn’t have his own solo career to maintain… Yeah, I’m mocking his crappy album that tanked. And the work he did for the lead Pussycat Doll was so bad they wouldn’t even release hers!

FOR SOME AGING GRACEFULLY IS AN OXYMORON
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past is down to number nine and very quietly has Michael Douglas finally started literally acting his age. He was Kate Hudson’s dad, he was Ryan Reynolds’ dad, he was Evan Rachel Woods’ dad and here he’s Matthew McConughey’s uncle in the Marley role. Of course this won’t do, so he’s now trying to make a sequel to Wall Street, which was a lame little morality play back then and I never understood its success beyond his performance.

HOW CAN WE MISS YOU IF YOU NEVER LEAVE?
Finally, Obsessed closes out the top ten at number ten and is it just me or does it seem like Beyonce never goes away? There’s like an album or movie out every time you turn around. Jay-Z, will you please knock her up and give us all a break?

SOME PEOPLE WILL CALL IT A ONE NIGHT STAND BUT WE CAN CALL IT PARADISE
So it took me twenty years, but I will finally admit what my boy, OG (Original Geek) said is true: the opening line to Duran Duran’s “Come Undone” is pretty goddamn smooth. “My immaculate dream/Made breath and skin/I’ve been waiting for you…” This came to mind as Chasing Amy and I were watching a Duran Duran concert from the last tour with all the original members (which lasted 30 seconds before guitarist Andy Taylor bailed) on her gigantic HDTV, which I insist she got just to emasculate me. I will give them credit. They sounded good. They look like shit, wearing young haircuts with weathered old faces, but Simon still hits the notes and they’re up there as a five-man band, period. It’s just them, not with any sort of backing musicians to help pad them out like some other bands I can name which have seemingly half a dozen extra guys on stage. I’m sure it’s more about money than anything else, hence the sole sista singing backup when everyone knows the rule is three black women and two only if you have to. Chasing Amy mocked me for enjoying it as much as I did, but she’s the one who just spent an obscene amount of money on Depeche Mode tickets, while I will be ignoring that ABC, Berlin, Cutting Crew, Wang Chung and Missing Persons will be playing at Roseland this month, a whopping three blocks from my house. I will. I swear. I’m only comfortable being old, fat and nostalgic in the privacy of someone’s home. Not with a bunch of other old, fat people checking their watches because they’ve got babysitters to pay. Speaking of which, Chasing Amy then gave me a horrifying vision of the future: us still hanging out in ten years time, only by then she’d be a single mom and that child would be sitting alongside us on the couch. What makes it so sad is that it might come true. I’m going to try and let that motivate me to try and change my fate. Tomorrow. I’ll let it motivate me tomorrow.

SOLE OBSESSION
Remember my shoe quest? The Calvin Klein casual sneaker, clearly based on the Chuck Taylor design but better? How I couldn’t find it in my size anywhere but online but refused to pay $80 when I’ve seen it for $24? And how I finally compromised with a Japanese version from Muji for $22? Well, while out looking for replacements for my now dead Nike high tops, I found out that Chuck Taylor came right back at Calvin Klein with their own upscale version of their sneaker, Premiere All-Star---and I want it all over again. This is only $65 retail, but to me that just means that it’s half as much somewhere else. I just have to find it. The cheapest so far has been Macys at $50. And don’t tell me Zappo’s. I find them highly overrated.

FOREVER IN BLUE JEANS, BABE
I need an intervention. I just bought another pair of jeans. My sixth pair. That comes out to one pair of jeans each month since January. In my defense at least two pair were to replace old ones I had to throw out because of holes in the crotch and one was a pair of gray jeans I found on sale at The Gap for $18. How do you turn down $18 jeans in your size in a style and cut you don’t own? Exactly. You don’t. Besides, I needed a new lighter rinse since all the others (save the gray) are dark rinse. I am not rationalizing!

FYI
That movie about Vikings and aliens that I traveled to New Jersey to see? It’s on DVD now. You know you wanna see it.

GRUMPY OLD GEEK
So I’m finally realizing I’m just too old for MTV Awards shows. Much like Mike Myers was last year as host. At least they realized it this year and hired Andy Samberg to do it. When I was younger watching I fully admit being somewhat jealous of all the young, successful pretty people onscreen. Now, however I’m flat out resentful and bitter and that makes for an unpleasant viewing experience. Also, I’m out of booze…You’d think the Billy Crystal standard of inserting yourself into films could never be dull, but you’d be wrong. Now you know why he kept getting invited back to do the Oscars…And I don’t care how funny you think you are, hit a gym, Samberg…I guess they had to give an award to the non-pretty girl from High School Musical who got the nose job. She’s the one most of the audience can relate to…don’t kid yourself: Megan Fox was just as pretty in high school as she is now, maybe even moreso. Those were humbling pictures for anyone insisting she had surgery. And I will be there for the Transformers sequel. I will not front. Giant fighting robots? Please. It’s a summer no-brainer…Twilight. I’m old, male and straight. I get nothing about this…oh, Eminem. How quickly time has passed. They aren’t half as excited as they’d be if Lil Wayne was onstage…how sad that this musical parody about explosions is the funniest thing all night. But how has he not learned that it’s even funnier if the song is good?...I’m not big on the Borat style humor where you go out and fuck with people in their real lives, but I did enjoy how Eminem got pissed off. He’s a humorless fuck and deserved no less… do these kids even know who Chris Isaak is? He’s 50! They probably think he’s Zac Efron’s dad…but they actually let Forrest Whittaker use the word “dick” for “Dick in a Box.” To bad this whole thing was overlong and not funny…I know I’m old because all I can think of Miley Cyrus is that she should be wearing a bra…10 Things I Hate About You as a series? I’ll bet $50 the people behind this show doesn’t know it’s an adaptation of Taming of the Shrew…wow. Ben Stiller has aged and that “Oh, I mean for it to look messy” is a failing attempt to hide the fact that he’s bald. So very, very bald. Triumph The Insult Dog continually harping on the fact Ben Stiller does look like an ape is the funniest thing all night. But again, this bit goes on too damn long. Why is there no booze in my kitchen!?!...Star Fleet clown college doesn’t work either…how many chances is Sienna Miller going to get to be a star?…I do like Kings of Leon though. It’s the highlight of the night…that dead cat joke should have been better. Have these guys never seen Monty Python?...Denzel’s daughter looks just like him and if she wants to be an actress shouldn’t she have been in all of daddy’s films or would that get in the way of him cheating on mom? Oh, you know it’s true…man, that was positively painful. That’s the first time I’ve ever watched an awards show without booze. I’ll never do it again.