TRAIN IN VAIN

1. The Hangover/Warner Wknd/$ 33.5 Total/$ 105.4

2. Up/Disney Wknd/$ 30.5 Total/$ 187.2

3. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3/Sony Wknd/$ 25.0 Total/$ 25.0

4. Night At The Museum 2/Fox Wknd/$ 9.2 Total/$ 143.4

5. Land of the Lost/Universal Wknd/$ 9.2 Total/$ 35.0

6. Imagine That/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.7 Total/$ 5.7

7. Star Trek/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 232.0

8. Terminator: Salvation/WB Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 113.8

9. Angels & Demons/Sony Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 123.3

10. Drag Me To Hell/Universal Wknd/$ 3.9 Total/$ 35.1

PRETTY PEOPLE RISE

As it turns out The Hangover actually won last week so it’s hanging on the number one slot this week and no one is happier about this than Bradley Cooper, who is this generation’s Tony Goldwyn. You know, the slightly handsome guy usually playing the asshole next to the truly handsome guy. He’s been hanging around on the periphery of stardom for awhile now, in movies like Wedding Crashers and Failure To Launch, not to mention being on shows like Alias and Nip/Tuck. My personal favorite was the TV series based on Anthony Bourdain’s book “Kitchen Confidential.” It was a great show that never got a fair shake and he was good in it. And on a more infamous note he was married to Jennifer Esposito for about nine months. I wanna know what went wrong, but I’m a little afraid to know what went wrong. And it’s never couples like that who make a sex tape. I’m just saying. Also grateful for what is actually a second shot at the brass ring is Heather Graham. Do you think she sees Megan Fox and wants to give her a warning about the years to come for someone who became a star purely because every male from 14 to 50 wants to fuck her? And like most sex symbols, when the ride is over and they don’t have marriage and a family, she’s gone nuts. She’s now a wiccan who thinks Obama owes the election to work of “white magic” she and her sister witches were practicing. It’s amazing that both her career and Joseph Fiennes were done in by a single movie: Killing Me Softly, where they spend most of their time naked and fucking and providing some of the worst acting you’ve ever seen. But she never stopped working on the indie film circuit, though most of them have been awful, with the exception of The Guru, where she again played a porn star. She plays a stripper and escort here, so when you factor Boogie Nights into it, I guess she does her best work as a sex worker.

NO IT’S NOT THE JOKE ABOUT WHAT’S ON TOP OF THE HOUSE

Up holds at number two and did I mention the greatness that were the dogs in this movie with their collars that allow them to speak? There are two great pop culture references in the movie involving dogs that slip by almost unnoticed, but the greater one actually drew applause from people in the audience, myself included. That’s the one I won’t give away because it’s so great to see it, but the other has the dogs in little planes attacking the floating house. The code names of the dogs while in their planes? Red 5, Red 2 and Red 3. Yes, the numbers Luke, Wedge and Biggs have at the end of Star Wars. And remember that’s the not the funniest one.

SHOULDN’T JLO HAVE BEEN ON THIS TRAIN? IT IS THE 6, RIGHT?

The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3 opens at number three and I must admit to never having seen the original and for the worst reasons possible. Walter Matthau was ugly as was most of the cast. Authentic NYC to be sure, but that doesn’t make it any easier to watch. Sorry, but it’s true. I’ve got a large gap in my 70’s film ouvre due simply to the fact it was the time when guys like Walter Matthau, Eliot Gould and Dustin Hoffman were bonafide box office stars. I could claim it’s a feminist statement because women were still required to be beautiful, but it was also when Sissy Spacek, Jill Clayburgh and yes, Diane Keaton were stars too, so I’m just going to have to own up to being very, very shallow. If Burt Reynolds or Robert Redford or even Al Pacino had played the role, I’d have seen it by now. But the upside is I can judge this film on its own merits and not be forever comparing it to the original. Not that this will help a Tony Scott film in the least. Only Tony Scott could take an already compelling story with good actors and think “Hey, you know what this needs? Non-stop visual flourishes that otherwise contribute nothing to the story. No, we don’t need to pay the writers to maybe fix some of these plot holes. That wouldn’t involve me showing my shit.” Sorry, but the biggest flaw in this is that in a post 9/11 NYC anything even remotely suggesting a terrorist attack would not only be met with local law enforcement. NYC is sore spot for every government agency and the fact the FBI doesn’t even get lip service here is nothing short of ridiculous. But if you can suspend your disbelief enough it’s not a bad two hours and given my Tony Scott dislike, that’s not easy for me to say. This movie’s strongest aspect is its straight up NYC (and adjacent areas) acting crew. Yes, I realize the irony of saying that after my opening statement. No one is passing off people from LA or Boston or anywhere else as New Yorkers (there’s still bile in my throat from Matthew McConughey being from Staten Island in How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days). It’s Denzel Washington (NYC), John Travolta (Jersey), John Turturro (NYC), Luis Guzman (NYC), James Gandolfini (NYC). In fact, who knows how much better this would have been with a NYC director at the helm instead of this Brit hack. Not that the writers are blameless. Exactly what was the point of a kid on the train with a computer that allows a video feed from inside the train? Aside from contributing nothing to the story, there’s no way they’d just let it keep going on. It’s like a heavy-handed attempt to show, “Look how different we are from the 70’s version. We’ve got computers and the internet!” So stupid. Okay, in the time it took me to write this, the original ran on A&E and it’s so filled with trademark NYC wiseass behavior it borders on a comedy, especially when Walter Matthau is directing it at the hijackers! Having Jerry Stiller as his sidekick on adds to that.

‘CAUSE REDNECKS IS FUNNY!

Night at the Museum: Battle for the Smithsonian is down to number four, followed by Land of the Lost at number five and also in this is Danny McBride (as Will) and he’s as much of a one-trick pony as his sponsors, Judd Apatow (man-boyism) and Will Ferrell (buffoon). Not that he could play anything more than these idiot, redneck mouth-breathers, but it gets old fast and even Will Ferrell knows to make his buffoons somewhat lovable.

TIME FOR BEVERLY HILLS COP IV?

Imagine That opens at number five and it appears Eddie Murphy’s kiddie career is finally losing steam. I hope The Rock is paying attention. I had no desire to see this, but I won’t pretend I didn’t laugh at the trailer. I didn’t see Daddy Day Care either, but when I saw it on cable it wasn’t that bad. Maybe I’ll have my premium channels back up by the time this comes on.

MEN AT WORK

Star Trek is down to number seven and here as the villain is Eric Bana who was a part of the Australian invasion of a few years back, headed by Hugh Jackman and Russell Crowe, only they sucked up all the success and didn’t leave much for anyone else. Well that and the fact The Hulk wasn’t quite what they’d hoped it’d be and while Troy may have made money, he came in a distant third in that movie behind Brad Pitt and even Orlando Bloom, though he had the most heroic character. Right beside him is New Zealander Karl Urban who does a bang up job as Dr. McCoy. Real geeks know him best as none other than Cupid from Xena Warrior Princess. Unlike Bana, however, he’s only had one real failure of a starring role and that was Pathfinder, but a solid career in supporting roles in everything from the Lord of the Rings Trilogy to The Bourne Supremacy (he was the Russian agent) to this. Of course for me he’s rocking with Thandie Newton as Lord and Lady Vacco in Chronicles of Riddick. If you ever wanted a sexy Macbeth in Space, they bring it.

AN APT DESCRIPTION OF HIS ACTING SKILLS

Terminator Salvation is down to number eight and Common is in this. Why, I don’t know but there’s some pissed off Black actors out there because it’s not like he’s good at it or even brings any presence. And to think, he was actually cast as Green Lantern in the planned Justice League movie before it was called off. Helena Bonham Carter’s appearance however, is how you make the most of only a few minutes. It’s true what they say, no small parts, only small actors. And they just waste Michael Ironside.

PARADISE LOST

Angels and Demons is down to number nine, followed befittingly enough by Drag Me To Hell at number ten.

ONE MORE TIME: BAD BOYS DO BAD THINGS.

If you wonder why Daisy De LaHoya would need a dating show, you need only follow the progress of the guy she called “Fox.” Easily the best-looking guy on the show, he knew it and played her like a flute. Unfortunately, he’s not the brightest thing in creation as evidenced every time he opened his mouth. However, when he opened it to kiss her, she overlooked it. And you know what, I respected her for that! But his sheer stupidity came back to haunt him as the producers tracked down his girlfriend to come on the show. His brother called to warn him and his attempt to defuse the situation by “confessing” to Daisy would have been a total failure for anyone less attractive as it was the most idiotic declaration of half-truths you’d ever hear from someone not running for office. Such boldfaced playa dickery almost commands respect. It was near Clintonian---except for him being the definition of inarticulate, but when you can get booty with a smile, why would you learn words? This week, however, it caught up to him when his girlfriend flat out called the house and spoke to Daisy. Even then he attempted to weasel out (despite being cold busted as Oran Juice Jones would say) with a defense that echoed Eddie Murphy’s classic routine about straight denial. He all but said, “Are you going to believe me or your own lying eyes?” It was awe-inspiring, but again he was just too dumb to do it properly. Still, because she so wanted to fuck him she almost went for it (and again, I respect that!). Almost. And so my favorite contestant is gone, because you need a good villain to make a show work.

LIKE FINE WINE

She’s Got The Look, a.k.a. America’s Top 35-And-Over Model returned for a second season and the more of these women I see the more I lose respect for George Clooney for his steady diet of 20-something waitresses when he could have a gorgeous woman he could actually talk to who might actually know her way around a dick. Clearly the first season was a success so they’re a bit more aware of themselves this time, hence the choosing of openly crazy person, the out lesbian and the transgender to make the show more “interesting.” Needless to say, they kept the lesbian and the crazy person, because being crazy didn’t make her any less blonde or thin. Not to mention there’s no way in hell Beverly Johnson is going to let you throw out a 72-year-old black woman who modeled for Jet and Ebony in the 50’s, so eliminations are clearly biased for the sake of entertainment. I mean why else would the crazy, desperate actress who came in playing a freaking character make it!?! And they kicked it up a notch by keeping an 11^th person when it was only supposed to be 10. But the best change in the new season is that damn Roxette song is gone.

FOXY HEATHERTON, ATTORNEY AT LAW

I haven’t been back to Brooklyn to party with my Jezebel girls for awhile now, but after two months of being forced to be solitary and anti-social by my hemmrhoid, I’ve actually tried to get out of my house. I’m sure I’ll be over it soon enough, but in the meantime I found myself once again with my Jezebel girls in Brooklyn at a birthday party cookout---for her dog. Hey, we’re between holidays so you take excuses to throw parties where you can find them. The rain luckily gave us a reprieve to have the cookout and our lesbian grill master did very good work. Speaking of which, I think the Indigo Girls have cast and undue stereotype upon our sapphic sisters because when the dance music kicked up they were ready to get their groove on. And here I thought only gay men kept Ce Ce Penningston working off two hits for twenty years. Despite the presence of the “dangerous punch” there was no repeat of the New Year’s Eve decadence. Or maybe it’s because there were so many lawyers. And not just lawyers, beautiful lawyers. Suddenly every joke I’d ever made about the ridiculousness of someone like Megan Fox playing an attorney came back to haunt me. Of course the beautiful Black girl lawyer was with the dorkiest White guy on earth, but I’m sure he was a lawyer too, whereas I showed up wearing a t-shirt that read “I Love Cheese” with a belly to back it up, so who am I to say anything?

THAT’S SIR DRACULA TO YOU

Geek news: Christopher Lee was made a knight by the Queen. I just wish Peter Cushing could have lived to get one. You know geeks like Peter Jackson and Tim Burton would have gushed over him as well.