PLAY IESHA FOR ME

1. Obsessed/ScreenGem Wknd/$ 28.5 Total/$ 28.5
2. 17 Again/Warner Wknd/$ 11.7 Total/$ 40.0
3. Fighting/Rog Wknd/$ 11.4 Total/$ 11.4
4. The Soloist/Paramount-DW Wknd/$ 9.7 Total/$ 9.7
5. Earth/Disney Wknd/$ 8.6 Total/$ 14.2
6. Monsters Vs. Aliens/DreamW Wknd/$ 8.5 Total/$ 174.8
7. State of Play/Universal Wknd/$ 6.9 Total/$ 25.1
8. Hanna Montana The Movie/Disney Wknd/$ 6.4 Total/$ 65.6
9. Fast and Furious/Universal Wknd/$ 6.0 Total/$ 145.2
10. Crank: High Voltage/LionsGate Wknd/$ 2.4 Total/$ 11.5

MAYBE IF SHE’D USED THAT WHIP CREAM BIKINI FROM VARSITY BLUES
Obsessed or as I like to call it “Play Iesha For Me” opens at number one and this movie is either the one you most want to see in a Black audience, or the last film you want to see with a Black audience and you know why in both cases. It’s a totally interactive free-for-all. If you hear one word of dialogue from the screen it’s because there was a collective pause to eat the food smuggled in or drink the liquor smuggled in. I know for a fact some Black women were going to see this because they wanted to see a blonde White girl get her ass kicked for trying to take a Black man from a Black woman. Yeah, because they only go kicking and screaming to Buffy von Yellowcoochie’s embrace. It’s not the absolute first thing you do when you get a little success (I think the NFL actually gave out a pamphlet at the Draft this weekend to rookies called “Your Guide to White Women”). I can’t help but think the producers knew whom this film would appeal to the most and didn’t want to put them off, which is why the brutha never actually sleeps with Ali Larter. This is when you know they’re playing to the cheap seats, because it robs the character of some degree of depth that he wouldn’t make such a mistake and deprives the Ali Larter character a touch of humanity that her obsession doesn’t have a legitimate jumping off point. This is another variation on the obsessed woman theme whose godmother is actually Play Misty For Me, the Clint Eastwood film and not Fatal Attraction like most have believe, but again, in those films, the male lead does actually sleep with the eventually dangerous crazy person, but I’m sure that has nothing to do with why they’re probably better than this. When I realized they didn’t have the guts to make his character more a party to his own troubles, I knew I wouldn’t see it. I’ve no interest in the good, good Black man and his family being tormented by the evil, evil Blonde only to face justice as the fists of Sista Girl. Well, not unless we get a scene where we see Beyonce slipping off her earrings, getting out of her heels and putting Vaseline on herself so Ali Larter couldn’t get a good grip. Now that would be worth seeing.

FAMILY SITCOM: THE FINAL FRONTIER
17 Again is down to number two and say what you want about Jennifer Anniston, but at least she’s the star of her movies. Can you imagine her pretending to be the older version of Miley Cyrus? When did it all go wrong for Matthew Perry? Now, Fools Rush In is not a good movie, but it’s not awful either and who is going to say “No” to a romantic comedy with Salma Hayek? Next, it was Almost Heroes with Chris Farley and on what planet is a comedy about Lewis & Clark ever a good idea? Then came Three To Tango, another not good, but not awful movie and honestly this is the real crime. Mediocrity is worse than just being flat out bad. He got lucky when The Whole Nine Yards mysteriously became a hit and proved what I’ve always known: if you want Bruce Willis to be funny, make him play it straight. But it was right back down into the cellar with Serving Sara where he was cast as a tough, wiseass process server who secretly wanted to make wine. Yeah. It should have ended there, but no, they went through and made a film and while I personally feel Liz Hurley in a short plaid skirt is justification for an entire movie the rest of the world disagrees. After this came The Whole Ten Yards where they let Bruce Willis try to actively be wacky and the result was like the rest of his bad comedies. Realizing the big screen was not his friend, he returned to TV in the train wreck that was Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip. I’m sorry but have these guys learned nothing from the career of John Ritter? He tried movies, but came to realize his home was TV and his four-decade career in it reflected that. Your future is in another sitcom as well, Matthew Perry. You’re at that age. Time to play a beleaguered father with three kids (attractive teen, overly smart middle child, cute kid) and a wife who are all smarter than you and William Shatner playing your dad to explain those pauses in the way you speak.

NEXT UP FOR OBVIOUSLY MOVIE TITLE: JOKING
Fighting opens up at number three and if you go by the movies, there’s a massive underground fighting network that practically spans the globe where rich people bet all the time. Notice how you’ve never heard about it in the real world. No one is ever arrested running one, no down-on-his-luck ex fighter winds up in one…basically this is the movie equivalent of the hooker-with-a-heart of gold in that it exists solely in the minds of writers who cannot fight and have never met a hooker in their lives. Now I saw Jean Claude Van Damme endure it in Lionheart 19 years ago and Jackie Chan do it in The Big Brawl 29 years ago (damn, I’m old!), so I decided to spare myself this, especially when it just looks like boxing and not martial arts (not that I would have seen that either), but it got some decent reviews by not being the typical movie it could and probably should have been. Not that I care.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT AMY IRVING AS PUERTO RICAN WAS ENOUGH
The Soloist opens at number four after being postponed from its original Oscar bait December release, which is never a good sign. But I’m grateful because had it gotten Oscar nominations as well as the begrudgingly positive reviews it’s been getting I might have felt pressure to go see it. Now, I’ve disliked Jamie Foxx to begin with, but with every passing second of every day he becomes more and more unbearable. Not even the presence of Catherine Keener and Robert Downey Jr are enough to allow me to overcome it. It doesn’t help that, even though it’s a true story and even though Downey is technically playing a Latino (no, I’m not kidding), it comes across as still another story about a White person who finds meaning in his life thanks to a Black person he saves. See what you should have been doing with your one little moment of heat, Benjamin Bratt?

GOOD THING THEY RECORDED IT BEFORE IT’S GONE
Earth opens surprisingly well at number five and this is a warm and fuzzy documentary about the nature and world. You know, those things we’re slowly killing? Yeah, them. I’m pretty sure this is all IMAX money, which is good for them and ultimately good for theatrical films because it provides a reason to actually go out to see them rather than wait for cable or DVD, being an experience you simply can’t duplicate at home.

MONSTERS VS. ALIENS VS. A PUBLIC USED TO BETTER
Monsters Vs. Aliens, down to number six has made $175 domestic…which means it just broke even. No, I’m not kidding. Lucky for it another $125M is coming in from international, though it still has yet to turn a profit and probably won’t until well into DVD territory. Somewhere, a group of Pixar people are laughing their asses off.

THE QUEEN AND THE GLADIATOR…DOING IT
State of Play drops down to number six letting you know what the American public thinks of talky-talky adult movies that deal with subjects like the death of newspapers, and co-opting of the military by private contractors. If it helps you to see it, while it may feel like a 70’s conspiracy movie, it doesn’t have that same type of depressing ending. I mean, it ain’t fully happy but it does end somewhat hopefully. And we are mercifully not burdened with a romantic subplot between Russell Crowe and Rachel McAdams. He’s the experienced reporter and she’s the blogger working on her first big story. Though if they wanted Helen Mirren and Russell Crowe to hook up I’d have been down for that. The way they fight you know they’re supposed to be fucking and you know it’d be hot.

I HATE THAT I KNOW ANY OF THIS
Hannah Montana The Musical is down to number eight and supposedly little Miley Cyrus is dumping her model boyfriend to return to a more age appropriate Jonas Brother. Model boy shouldn’t be surprised because: 1) He’s nobody and 2) at his age he should know musicians always win. I guess this is the beginning of his “Chris Judd” phase where he’s briefly known for being the ex of a superstar before vanishing altogether into the ether. Then again, Chris Judd existed in the time before the internet really came into its own. This fucker could be with us indefinitely, especially if he lands another celebrity.

SOME OF US ARE JUST TOO PRETTY TO WORK
Fast & Furious is down to number nine and unlike Monsters vs. Aliens this is clearly profitable, having cleared $289 worldwide on an $85M budget and I find myself liking Paul “Pretty Boy” Walker more when he confessed that he’s really good at not working. I like it when other people are lazy too even when their jobs are easy.

SOMEWHERE LOBBYING FOR DAWSON’S CREEK THE MOVIE
Finally, Crank: High Voltage closes out the top ten at number ten and begins its journey to becoming one of those films people watch while stoned. In other words, just like the first one. With Amy Smart here and Ali Larter in Obsessed and even Paul Walker in Fast & Furious, we’ve got Varsity Blues well represented. How sad is the irony that the only person not showing up in movies is the star, Paul Van der Beek? It’s even worse for She’s All That. Paul Walker, Dule Hill, Gabrielle Union, Usher, Lil Kim, Anna Paquin and even Jodi Lynn O’Keefe are all working, but when was the last time you saw Freddie Prinze Jr. or Rachel Leigh Cook? Well, Matthew Lillard isn’t working either but that’s just because his entire career was a sin against god.

CALL IT THE “SPIDER-MAN” EFFECT WHERE EVERY HERO IS BETTER YOUNGER
While most people only know Iron Man from the movie, kids and geeks know he keeps getting animated shows and the latest to arrive is Iron Man: The Armored Adventures on Nicktoons. This time they make it clear who their audience is by making Tony Stark a teenager, looking to avenge (yes, that’s a pun) his father’s death at the hands of Obadiah Stane and get his family’s company back. Rhodey, Pepper and even Happy Hogan are his high school classmates. Of course geeks are up in arms about this, apparently forgetting that in the mainstream Marvel Comics he was actually turned into Teen Iron Man for awhile and Orson Scott Card also did an adaptation of Iron Man where he’s a kid genius running around in an Iron Man suit. Honestly, if you take it for what it is, it’s not a bad show. A damn sight better than the Wolverine & The X-Men show that also started this year. And it’s got a great theme song by Rooney.

DOUCHEBAGS OF LOVE
It’s the dream we all dream of…at last, Daisy of Love started on VH1, just as I was beginning to go through withdrawal from Rock of Love and after being totally disappointed by The Cougar, which was only amusing in that the woman pretty much stated she was there to fuck young dudes. And I’m pretty sure I saw Vivica Fox high five her for saying so, but I can’t be sure. Talk about a fall there. From making movies with Will Smith and Halle Berry to hosting a reality show to help you pursue your current hobby of cradle robbing, proving that it can be as unattractive on women as it is on men. And I’d like to say the producers purposely front-loaded Daisy with a lot of losers, but having seen her actual boyfriend on Rock of Love 2, she’d probably be dating these guys in real life anyway. I’d love to see what would happen if they switched the men from The Cougar with the men from Daisy of Love. I don’t think Daisy would know what to do with a man who had an actual job. Now Daisy’s appeal is that she seems like someone who needs protecting and saving. This effect extends to women as well as men and nothing about the show changes that. I guess this is why they gave her a chaperone in Rikki “Sloppy Seconds” Rachtman. She needs protection and constant, constant supervision. And where the hell is her uncle, Oscar de la Hoya? It’s not like he’s working. And they probably wear the same lingerie, though he’s a bit prettier. Sorry, but he is. Someone needs to make Daisy over, stat. She’s rocking a strong tranny look (or Janice from the Muppets), which I suppose says something about the men who want her. Only the douche known as 12-Pack was honest enough to say what everyone was thinking. But I will not miss an episode.

AND THEN THERE’S…
So Bea Arthur passed and while many remember her as Maude and others from The Golden Girls, for me she’s immortalized as the recipient of the best diss ever from Jeffery Ross: “I wouldn’t fuck you with Bea Arthur’s dick.” I doesn’t get any meaner or funnier.

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP CSI

 

 1. 17 Again/Warner                                                Wknd/$  24.1            Total/$   24.1

 2. State of Play/Universal                                    Wknd/$  14.1            Total/$   14.1

 3. Monsters Vs. Aliens/DreamW                        Wknd/$  12.9            Total/$ 162.7

 4. Hanna Montana The Movie/Disney            Wknd/$  12.7            Total/$   56.1

 5. Fast and Furious/Universal                        Wknd/$  12.3            Total/$ 136.7

 6. Crank: High Voltage/LionsGate                        Wknd/$    6.5            Total/$     6.5

 7. Observe and Report/Warner                        Wknd/$    4.1            Total/$   18.7

 8. Knowing/Summit                                                Wknd/$    3.5            Total/$   73.7

 9. I Love You, Man/Paramount                        Wknd/$    3.4            Total/$   64.7

10. Haunting in Connecticut/LGF                        Wknd/$    3.2            Total/$   51.9

LIKE FATHER LIKE SON HE’S VICE VERSA BIG AT 18 AGAIN ON THIS FREAKY FRIDAY

17 Again opens at number one and it’s time to face facts: the youth/adult body switching genre is here to stay.  Basically it’s a sub-division of the high school movie genre and that will never die because everyone goes to see them.  Kids because they’re in high school and adults since they were either traumatized either by high school or by being forced to leave it.  This taps into both fantasies; going back with what you know now to be cool or returning to the last time in your life when you were cool.  And the kids are there to see Zach Efron, who takes his first step towards being a real star and separating himself from Chace Crawford, who is actually prettier in my opinion because he doesn’t look like a brainwashed cult member.  Little girls may like that bright-eyed look, but it’s scary to adults.  You look like you’re just seconds away from forcing them to take the seminar that changed your life and only cost you $40K.  This movie could easily be Big 2: Electric Bugaloo, because it’s the basic set-up: a wish engineers a body change, only this time it’s from old to young (or 18 Again with George Burns) and there’s a little Back To The Future because now he’s got to help out his family, in this case his son and daughter.  It also makes me think of a great little underrated movie called Plain Clothes where a cop goes back to high school to clear the name of his younger brother who has been arrested.  It had the same joke about him trying to dress like a teenager and blowing it, only to eventually become a cool kid (it also introduced me to the e.e. cummings poem “She Being Brand New”).  Also, this wisely dismisses any chance of a romantic sub-plot, which is creepy no matter how a comedy tries to spin it.  In retrospect, a 26-year-old Jon Cryer hooking up with 18-year-old (we hope she was 18) Annabeth Gish in Hiding Out was all kinds of wrong.  And that he winds up with her at the end in college?  Ewwww.  Likewise the teacher who is strangely attracted to this seemingly mature student.  Even when the truth comes out, there’s still that little matter of YOU WANTED TO BONE ONE OF YOUR STUDENTS!  Because I’ve obviously seen so many of these things both good and bad, I could tell this wasn’t going to be one of the better ones.  Not to mention, on the best day of his life, Matthew Perry never came close to looking like Zach Efron.  Ironically enough, Matt LeBlanc did kind of look like him in his pretty boy prime and would have been a better choice.

THE PARALLAX VIEW OF ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN

State of Play opens at number two and this is notable for being a honest-to-goodness grown up type movie not being released to win Oscars.  Seriously.  When do you usually see movies like this?  The fall.  Never the spring and god forbid summer.  But I can understand why. I had to force myself to see it.  Thankfully, it just had too many notable actors (Russell Crowe, Ben Affleck, Rachel McAdams, Helen Mirren, Jason Bateman, Viola Davis, Jeff Daniels, Robin Wright Penn) in it for me to overlook.  Not to mention, Rachel McAdams works so damn infrequently you have to see her when you can.  This is a remake of a BBC mini-series, so there was the danger of losing impact due to its necessary compression to two hours.  I never saw the mini so I don’t know what was lost (though Bill Nighy in the Russell Crowe role must be all kinds of awesome), but this is pretty well done and moves briskly for two hours.  I never felt bored or a lull, so sometimes maybe less is more.  Unfortunately, I also never felt for one second that Ben Affleck and Russell Crowe were contemporaries (they’re supposedly college roommates).  Oddly, Affleck should have gained a little weight the way Russell Crowe obviously did.  Though Affleck is in his mid-30’s, he looks like a boy standing next to a man.  And Robin Wright Penn is his wife?  I want to give them big points for casting an older woman and calling them contemporaries like they do with men all the fucking time, but it’s a problem here for the same reason it’s a problem there: you don’t believe it and it pulls you out of the film occasionally.  The movie begins as a murder mystery and quickly becomes a political suspense thriller like the 70’s, when a murder Russell Crowe is reporting on becomes linked to the death of Ben Affleck’s aide and apparent mistress.  The movie has some nice twists and turns and understands even though you’re talking about the gravest of matters humor is still present. In fact, it’s the people who deal with the heaviest situations that joke the most.  This is why 99% of all indie dramas suck ass.  No one smiles.  Ever.  This could also be a lesson on how to deal with the war.  They’re clearly taking a point against corporations making money off the war (can you say “Blackwater”) but it’s just the backdrop of the movie.  Be glad Edward Zwick (Blood Diamond, Last Samurai, Glory) dropped out of directing or it would have been a half hour longer, totally humorless and filled with painful liberal whining masquerading as courage.  At least here when someone makes something resembling a speech, another character calls them on it, pointing out that it’s bullshit covering for utter selfishness.

MOOKIE WOULD BE UPSET

Monsters Vs. Aliens is down to number three, followed by Hannah Montana: The Movie down to number four and Fast & Furious down to number five and this is the first Fast & Furious movie not to give a job to an R&B star.  In the first we had Ja Rule.  In the second, Ludacris because Tryese’s musical career peaked with that Coke commercial he did.  In the third, Lil Bow Wow was the minority sidekick. Here, no one gets to moonlight and it’s proof that you don’t need them, something that will bring a smile to the faces of Samuel L. Jackson and Nia Long.  Ironically, playing the small roles that probably would have traditionally been assigned to bruthas (criminal contact, FBI agent working with Paul Walker) are Asians.  Why?  Because it’s directed by Justin Lin, that’s way.  Looking out for his own and I ain’t mad at him.  That’s what you’re supposed to do.  He even includes Sung Kang in his role as Han from Tokyo Drift, explaining how that fits into the series (though not why they thought having an ugly male lead in Tokyo Drift would work).

GRAND THEFT AUTO: THE TRANSPORTER

Opening at number six is Crank: High Voltage and this is essentially a movie version of Grand Theft Auto as made by people who learned filmmaking from YouTube.  There’s just no other way to put it.  The first was disappointing because it tried to be an action movie of sorts and failed.  This is a total so-far-over-you-can’t-even-see-the-top comedy that it succeeds.  You know what you’re getting when the last few seconds of the first film---where Jason Statham falls to his death from a helicopter---are recreated through the use of 8-bit video game graphics, complete with Statham kicking the other guy in the crotch.  From there his body is harvested by the Chinese Mobs and he only gets up when they’re about to chop his dick off.  Then we’re back on the same stream of mayhem like the first, where he beats or kills anyone standing between him and the heart that’s been stolen from him, and like the first he needs to artificially be kept at a certain level to stay alive.  The first time it was heart rate, but that’s obviously missing this time so he has to use whatever means necessary to physically charge the battery in his artificial heart.  This ranges from jumper cables on his tongue to tazering himself to yes, another public sex scene in front of a crowd with Amy Smart (static energy, natch), complete with numerous positions and pixilated body parts.  It’s as if due to the greater charge needed, the outputs are proportionately higher. Before he’d just kill or beat someone up; this time he greases up a shotgun with motor oil and shoves it up a man’s ass.  And that’s just in the first five minutes.  After that you’ll see a gun toting stripper leaking silicone after she’s shot through her breasts, a man get his elbow chopped off, Bai Ling (hysterically sub-titled) hit a man in the balls with a bicycle until they bleed and a gang banger chop off his own nipples as way of atonement.  Then there’s the gay sidekick (the brother of the first sidekick) whose plans for revenge are regularly sidelined by “fully body Tourette’s”; the gay leather biker gang he calls in to help, the porn star strike, more gun-toting strippers and hookers and a flashback/delusion where we see Statham as a kid on a talk show with his mom, as played by Ginger Spice herself, Geri Haliwell.  It’s not for everyone, but if this type of deliberate cartoon mayhem is your speed, you’ll probably love it.  Right now I’m sure Quentin Tarantino is somewhere hailing this as a work of genius.

HE MADE YOUR HEART SING

Observe and Report is down to number seven and how sad is it that Ray Liotta is in this?  I don’t think his career ever recovered from the one-two punch of Operation Jumbo Drop and Turbulence. But they’ll never take Something Wild and Goodfellas away from him.

IF ONLY I KNEW

Knowing is down to number eight and now that I know the ending to this movie, I’m doubly glad I didn’t waste a second of my life on it.  Hell, I’m even annoyed that I read the full movie synopsis spoiler rather than just jumping to the last paragraph.

AS HE LOOKED UPON THE BREADTH OF HIS EMPIRE ALEXANDER WEPT FOR THERE WERE NO MORE WORLDS TO CONQUER

I Love You Man is down to number nine and let’s total this up: Judd Apatow’s wife is in 17 Again, Paul Rudd and Seth Rogan are in Monsters Vs. Aliens, Seth Rogan is in Observe & Report and Paul Rudd and Jason Siegel are in this which was written and directed by a former director for Apatow’s show’s, Undeclared.  Who’s your daddy now, bitchez?

THE END

The Haunting in Connecticut closes out the top ten at number ten.

MORE NEWS FROM MY ASS

So, a month has past and I needed to see my doctor to get my ass checked.  Apparently the groundhog living there popped its head out and there’s going to be six more weeks of ass-soakings, maxi-pads and anal cream.  Sigh.  But I’m not suffering alone.  I’m taking you fuckers down with me.  If I can’t ride my bike on a beautiful 76 degree Saturday afternoon, then the world will know my pain!

SOLE MAN

So, I bought another pair of shoes.  A pair of all black (sole and canvas) PK Flyers. They were only $23, so don’t judge me, monkey.

DUDES DON’T DRESS AS WELL AND THEY SMELL BAD

You know how you laugh when you see Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist in The World is Not Enough or any of the movies or TV shows that has a stunningly beautiful forensic scientist (Men In Black, Bones, CSI, etc)?  Well, you have to stop.  There was another Jezebel drinking outing and I met this gorgeous, well-dressed woman who told me she was a forensic scientist.  Not only that, but she does consulting work for all the various TV shows (she’s also black so no one tell my mom or I’ll never hear the end of it).  Needless to say, what you see is borderline science fiction.  The FBI has all the good stuff and her advice on how it really works is, “Don’t get killed unless you’re important.”  There also was a woman in fashion who I’d met before, who bonded with her over being Columbia alums.  Maybe a little too much, as there were jokes about Fashon Woman’s fervor after she left.  But I understood.  She didn’t like her job and had a day where she was essentially made the babysitter for a 7-year-old French girl because she spoke French.  I found it sweet, but as her drink intake increased I could see she didn’t feel the same.  She also didn’t care for the typical fashion look she had to maintain: all black, hair pulled back tightly.  “Yes, it’s like a Robert Palmer video,” she told me.  Again, I loved it because that’s how I view fashion, but I guess living it isn’t as much fun.  Because of this when another attractive well dressed woman came in to take her to another party, I assumed she was in fashion as well.  “Oh, no. I’m a scientist,” she told me.  Out of nowhere I heard the cruel mocking laughter of fate reminding me of how I turned my back on being a science geek over 25 years ago: “So how’s that writing career going? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”  Thankfully, there was a girl there in an amazing lace dress that brightened up the rest of my night simply by looking at it.  It reminded me of the dress Maria de Mederios wore at the end of Henry & June…and that in a nutshell is why I don’t have many male friends and drink with chicks.

AND THE GEEKS ARE 0 AND 2.

Aside from the loss of science fiction author JG Ballard to prostate cancer, there was also the tremendous loss of none other than Marilyn Chambers.  The very first x-rated film I ever saw in my life starred Marilyn Chambers, so I can never understate her impact on me.  She was a porn star in the 70’s where they threatened mainstream success in a way that wouldn’t be seen again for another 30 years.  She also achieved a special notoriety because she was a model who appeared on an Ivory Snow box and the producers exploited the hell out of this.  Ironically, she was one of the first ever in porn to shave herself, so while I could blame her for this current plague, I don’t because despite her success no one emulated her at that time.  She also cursed me with one of the worst songs in the history of mankind that permeated one of her most famous films, Insatiable.   Because she made porn when they actually shot on film, they had to have plots to beat the obscenity laws for better or worse (I say “worse” because you don’t want to see porn stars “acting”) and this led to delusions of grandeur by people involved who created actual soundtracks.  “Sometimes love ain’t nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools” is on the soundtrack to my nightmares…as is the sight of John Holmes sodomizing her…which I sold off a few years ago during one of my many DVD purges.

SOLE SURVIVOR

1. Hanna Montana The Movie/Disney Wknd/$ 34.0 Total/$ 34.0
2. Fast and Furious/Universal Wknd/$ 28.8 Total/$ 118.0
3. Monsters Vs. Aliens/DreamW Wknd/$ 22.6 Total/$ 141.0
4. Observe and Report/Warner Wknd/$ 11.1 Total/$ 11.1
5. Knowing/Summit Wknd/$ 6.7 Total/$ 68.0
6. I Love You, Man/Paramount Wknd/$ 6.4 Total/$ 59.0
7. Haunting in Connecticut/LGF Wknd/$ 5.7 Total/$ 46.3
8. Dragonball Evolution/Fox Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 4.7
9. Adventureland/Miramax Wknd/$ 3.4 Total/$ 11.5
10.Duplicity/Universal Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 36.8

I PREFER MARY BETH OREGON ON NICKELODEON
Hannah Montana opens at number one and since I don’t have kids and don’t babysit that often she’s mystery to me. Something about a teenager who is a pop superstar under another name like she’s a superhero or something…? Meh, who cares? On the other hand because I do pay attention to media gossip, I do know she’s played by Miley Ray Cyrus and she’s now worth a billion dollars in revenue to Disney and they’re already grooming a replacement for her since she’s growing up and dipping her toe in the pool of a wild teen youth by dating at 21-year-old underwear model. I have to give it up to her for that. I mean, if found out my 16-year-old daughter was dating a 21-year-old, I’d be super pissed and after his head. But if it was a 21-year-old model, I might just let it slide. Sorry, but I respect the hell out of that. She’s not playing, “Oh, I want someone who makes me laugh and has a nice personality.” No, she’s straight up, “I want someone even prettier than me.” Which, honestly isn’t that hard to do. Oh, shut up. You know I’m right. She’s cute like any kid, but pretty? Unless she were Miley Cyrus, she’d always be playing the sidekick. And let’s not kid ourselves by pretending this isn’t part of her success. Like Amanda Bynes and Hilary Duff before her, she wasn’t born with unattainable beauty. Her fans love that she looks more like them than a model. It’s also probably why her “older man” is only 21 and not 31 or 41, because if you’re going to be a dirty old man, it’s gonna be for someone so gorgeous that other men not arrest you for it (which happens every day and you know it). Let me put it this way: the pretty girl in the Harry Potter movies is dating a 27-year old. But I’ve seen Miley in interviews and she’s so typically teen I have to give up to Billy Ray and his wife that her only questionable choice is an older pretty boy. I mean, she’s not Lindsay Lohan or Drew Barrymore…or me. If I were rich, famous and 16, I’d emancipate myself from my parents then launch on a worldwide tour of utter debauchery to the point where they’d refer to certain criminal acts committed while nude and drunk an “angrygeek.” “So I heard over in the 24th precinct they caught a guy ‘angrygeeking’ that sick fuck.”

2 POINTY, 2 BREAKY?
Fast and Furious is down to number two and I can see from other reviews that I’m not the only person who noticed the softer jawlines on the leading men. While the women are more attractive now than they were eight years ago. And do you think somewhere Keanu Reeves is pissed as this was just a landlocked version of Point Break? I mean in this chapter Paul “Pretty Boy” Walker actually joins the FBI, like Special Agent Johnny Utah. Man did that movie ever suck. But where could the sequels go for Point Break? Could Keanu Reeves travel the world as a crime-busting surfer? And what kind of horrible sequel names would there be? Point Break: The Big Kahuna? Point Break: Gee These Waves Are Cold And Small On The East Coast? Everyone drives, everywhere, so there’s always street racing, but not everyone surfs. He’d be severely limited. Also, they’d have to find some way for Patrick Swayze to have survived Australia. But you know, it’s movies so he washes up onshore in Thailand, coincidentally when Keanu is there trying to bust a sex-slave ring which has for some reason kidnapped Lori Petty. They’d be more likely to kidnap pretty, pretty Keanu before her. Oh, shut up. You know I’m right. It would have to be Lori Petty’s younger, hotter sister, played by Megan Fox.

IGNORE AND INSULT
Monsters vs. Aliens is down to number three, followed by Observe and Report opening at number four, giving you a double dose of Seth Rogen. Now, I hate to admit that Seth Rogen was the best part of Monsters vs. Aliens, which had the upside of not having to look at him. Not so much in Observe and Report which is supposedly inspired not a little bit by Taxi Driver. You couldn’t make a movie less appealing to me without adding Jonah Hill as his sidekick and promising nude scenes of both. And Anna Faris gets points for willing to go out all the way she does in comedies, but that’s still not enough to make me see this.

AND I’D GIVE NICHOLAS HAMMOND WORK TOO
Knowing is down to number five, followed by I Love You Man at number six and also in this is Lou Ferrigno (Paul Rudd is a real estate agent trying to sell Ferrigno’s house) and you can tell how many geeks are working in Hollywood by how many times comic book stars like Lou Ferrigno get paid to show up to play themselves. Before this he was a semi-regular on King of Queens. Also on that show playing himself was Adam West, who recently turned up on 30 Rock playing himself. I won’t lie. I’d be doing it too if I could. But where’s the love for Burt Ward? Holy Overlooking!

GOLDEN YEARS FA-FA-FA-FA-FA
The Haunting in Connecticut is down to number seven, followed by Dragonball Evolution at number eight and I’ve been watching geeks seethe over this for the past year because this was obviously a trainwreck in the making, much in the same way I watched them pitch a fit over Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li. It’s fun watching rather than living it. I know nothing of Dragonball, not to mention Dragonball Z and could really care less, but I’d be pissed too if some ugly white dude was playing the lead of my Asian character, while his love interest (of course) remained Asian, played no less by the annoying girl who always looks on the verge of tears. She was also the lead in the Samurai Girl mini-series (again where the Asian guy was made White because you can’t have an Asian girl kissing on one of her own). But what’s really sad is that Chow Yun Fat is in this! Let me show you how horrible this is. Imagine if George Clooney had been in that Street Fighter movie. That’s how degrading this is. Hollywood has treated the man horribly and just when you think it can’t get any worse (second banana to Mark Walberg in The Corruptor, and to Sean William Scott in Bulletproof Monk) along comes something like this. And also here making a car payment is James Marsters, aka, Spike from Buffy, but you knew when that show was over so was he, but for the love of geeks. I call it the “Roddy McDowell Career Path” where you’ll never be in anything A-list again, but you’ll always work in science fiction, fantasy or horror and where you’ll probably be the best thing in it. And maybe one day you’ll get the Vincent Price or Christopher Lee effect where a geek will grow into an A-list movie talent and put you in his films and take care of you in your golden years.

THAT SHINY THING THAT YOU KEEP MISSING? THE BRASS RING.
Adventureland is down to number nine and Ryan Reynolds is the “older man” in this film to the two young leads which should be a wake-up moment for him in his career as he’s always played the young guy and usually the young wiseass. Time is ticking and he’s not getting any younger. In fact, the role he’s playing is someone aging in one place planning on being a success while the world is moving on around him. Actually, if you include the film Waiting, where he was the older guy next to Justin “I’m A Mac” Long, this is the second time he’s kinda done this, so now the writing’s clearly on the wall. For young characters, you’re an old man. Get it together now or you’re going to be back on TV. Look at your wife, Scarlett Johansson. She’s what A-list success in your 20’s genuinely would have looked like. Coincidentally they’re both going to be in upcoming Marvel Comics films. He’s Deadpool in the new Wolverine film and she’s been horribly miscast as The Black Widow in Iron Man 2. Deadpool is a very popular minor character in comics and Reynolds is openly hoping for a spin-off. Yeah, talk to Michelle Pfeiffer about her Catwoman spin-off film that was made 15 years later with Halle Berry. Or talk to Halle Berry about her Jinx spin-off film from James Bond that was never made at all. This is just more reason for him to regret not playing Wally West in the planned Flash film from Batman and Blade writer, David Goyer. Now he would have been perfect for that!

I LOVE MYSELF FOR HATING YOU
Finally Duplicity closes out the top ten and for a second I totally forgot what this movie was about and who starred in it and I’m supposed to know these things. That’s a bad sign, but clearly explains its failure. All I do is hate and if I can’t care enough to hate you…

SOLE MAN
So I’ve once again been obsessed with shoes. As a friend of mine put it, “I love that your Facebook status messages are gayer than mind.” Needless to say he’s gay. But I question his gayness as he can’t help me shop for shoes. It doesn’t help that my shoe-shopping buddy, The Libertine, now resides elsewhere. She left me for love. Bitch. It was totally an accident as I was doing the semi-annual replacement of black t-shirts. People outside New York won’t know this, but New Yorkers know there comes at time when the black you own is no longer quite so black and that simply will not do. You have to replace it. So I was in Daffy’s getting a 3-pack of black Calvin Klein t-shirts cheap when I saw they were selling a bunch of casual sneakers and amongst the Keds and PK Flyers was the most amazing thing I’d ever seen: the Calvin Klein Tarik. It’s like a Chuck Taylor only better. First of all, every fucking hipster asshole isn’t going to be wearing it. Secondly, the reason I don’t wear the Chuckie-T’s currently in my closet is the notoriously thin rubber sole. If I wanted to be that close to the ground I’d just go barefoot. I need support and this CK sneaker had it, complete with a rounded rubber heel. Oh, and it was a $90 sneaker going for $23.99. Of course they didn’t have my size. So I went to another Daffy’s. Nope. Then another. Nope. I went to every single one in NYC to no avail. DSW, nothing. I looked online. Nothing. eBay has a baby blue version but that’s just not going to fly. I called up the Calvin Klein store on Madison Avenue and was told that was Calvin Klein “white” and that the store was Calvin Klein “black” which is another way of saying “You’re a poor person looking for something from our poor person line and I know this because if you were a rich person, you would already know this and I’d probably already know your name as a regular customer, like the Van der Woodsens who were just here. Now go look for it at Macy’s, you plebian bastard, whilst I wash both the phone and my ears from having your poor person voice stain them.” I’m no fan of Macy’s either, but subjected myself to it to come up empty. And before you ask, “Why not just check the Calvin Klein site?” I did. And it’s there for $78. Now, I know it makes no sense given that’s cheaper than my Kenneth Cole sneakers, but I can only pay $78 for them if I know the original price was $160. Knowing I could have had them for $24 makes this purchase (sober) impossible. So the next step was to exploit my friends and head out to a CK outlet store in New Jersey and look there (somewhere the guy from the Calvin Klein store cackles gleefully at my poor person behavior). Salvation came from the Japanese. More specifically, the Muji store on 40th Street in the New York Times building. I was actually looking at a beautiful light blue linen shirt I saw in the window (which could be the gayest Facebook update ever if I bought it) when I notice a variation of the shoe I was looking for…for $20. I’m wearing them right now. But I admit, it’s like getting Megan Fox when you wanted Angelina Jolie.

OF CUPCAKES AND THINGS
So, I’m still on my strawberry milkshake kick, but cupcakes have reappeared in my life. After dinner with My MacGoddess---the friend I’ve known for 25 years who gave me my first mac (that’s right, bitch, we’re old)---where we discussed in detail our mutual anal ailments (she had what I had only they fucked it up the first time and she had to go into the hospital to have it done right) and general body deterioration, we got a cupcake from Crumbs Bakery on University and praise be to them. They make giant, weird cupcakes designed to kill you. Cookie dough cupcakes, Oreo cupcakes, Devil Dog, Reese’s Peanut Butter, Fudge, Boston Cream, etc. But the one I got was Apple Caramel and My MacGoddess put it best when she said, “This is so sweet it hurts my teeth.” I had to wait until I got home to finish it, it was so overwhelming. It was so good brought one for Dorito Cheeseburger Woman when I saw her the following night. It’s not unusual for me to go without seeing her for six months, but this time there was a legitimate reason beyond my own self-involvement: she’d been literally unable to walk. She went home for Christmas and was felled by a spinal problem that left her essentially paralyzed from the waist down. In a funny sad way, that this was my second dinner with someone where we discussed how fate decided to smite us down with a horrific condition out of the blue. Like my brain bleed, her ailment came out of nowhere and pretty much healed itself. She was seriously fortunate as she walked again just two hours before what was scheduled to be her first spinal surgery. Needless to say, if you wanted the easiest mugging ever, we were your targets. Neither of us can run nor risk too much movement right now. Take my money, just please don’t aggravate my ass. In her quest to regain her strength without impact on her spine she’s now swimming every day, reminding me of how much I miss it. And if you told me ten years ago I’d be someone who missed working out, I’d have thrown one of my cheese-covered nachos at you---then picked it up off the floor and ate it. Shut up. You’d have done it too. But I’m glad there are no Crumbs Bakeries near me. What the hell do you mean there’s one at 42nd and 6th!?!

SUPER SAVINGS
I’m not going to talk about how a conversation online led to me buying the first four seasons of Smallville on DVD off eBay (they kill Jonathan Kent in the fifth season which was a horrible mistake). I’m just not. I won’t even mention how I got a partial refund because one came in lousy condition, resulting in it costing me total about $30, as opposed to the best possible retail price of $120.

ROCK LIKE ABS OF LOVE
So Rock of Love 3 is over and I hope this is the last because while it’s fun still, it’s not as much fun and the women do seem to get a bit sadder each time. I’m pretty sure 50% of the first season weren’t single moms like this season and honestly, they seemed more emotionally stable. I can’t laugh too much at someone’s crazy, trailer park single mom. So I’m kinda glad Mindy lost because I don’t see Taya taking it well, being a crazy single mom. But I respect Brett for sleeping with Mindy not once, but twice because her body was ridiculous. Real breasts and a stomach you could wash laundry on. But she was too young, whereas Taya is clearly lying about her age and is at least within a decade of his. But did we really think the Penthouse Pet wasn’t going to get the rock star? Come on. Now on to The Cougar and in two weeks DAISY OF LOVE!

BRILLIANT BUT DISTURBING
The Burger King ad with Sir Mix-A-Lot and Spongebob Squarepants. It’s disturbing, creepy, funny…and maybe the most amazing commercial ever made. But do you think Gatorade told Tiger Woods the animated version of him would be quite so…black? Afro-Asian he is not. Then there’s the clearly “black voice” of the bear and the heavy R&B soundtrack? Someone is screaming at his lawyers and agents right now.

MY MILKSHAKE AND IPOD ARE BETTER THAN YOURS

1. Fast and Furious/Universal Wknd/$ 72.5 Total/$ 72.5
2. Monsters Vs. Aliens/DreamW Wknd/$ 33.5 Total/$ 105.7
3. Haunting in Connecticut/LGF Wknd/$ 9.6 Total/$ 37.2
4. Knowing/Summit Wknd/$ 8.1 Total/$ 58.2
5. I Love You, Man/Paramount Wknd/$ 7.9 Total/$ 49.3
6. Adventureland/Miramax Wknd/$ 6.0 Total/$ 6.0
7.Duplicity/Universal Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 32.4
8. Race To Witch Mountain/Disney Wknd/$ 3.4 Total/$ 58.4
9. 12 Rounds/Fox Wknd/$ 2.3 Total/$ 9.0
10.Sunshine Cleaning/Over Wknd/$ 1.9 Total/$ 4.8

SLOW AND RELAXED
Fast and Furious opens at number one and I have to give Universal some credit for not giving this some silly title and essentially using the same name as the original, only dropping “the” from the title. The four principles from the first movie are back and you know when they all declined to be in the various sequels they thought their careers would go to a place where they wouldn’t have to do something like this. Surprise! And you know they’re confused because it’s not like their other work is so much worse than this. Chronicles of Riddick was better. Into the Blue was even better (S.W.A.T. and D.E.B.S….not so much). But this is what worked, so pride got checked at the door. You know what didn’t return? Chiseled jawlines, because both Paul “Pretty Boy” Walker and Vin Diesel have a bit more softness under their chins. I’m sorry, but what’s the point in hiring beefcake if it’s going to be soft? You guys don’t work because they couldn’t get Daniel Day Lewis. You’re here to be toned meat and you can’t even do that? I guess this is why there’s not even one shirtless scene between the two of them. The funny thing about all these movies is that there’s not really a lot of actual racing going on. There are chases, but not much racing which is odd in a movie about, you know, racing. This time Diesel comes back for vengeance while Paul “Pretty Boy” Walker has somehow gone from being a cop in the first, to a fugitive in the second, to an FBI Agent here. Only in the movies, kids. They’re both after the same drug lord for different reasons and “go undercover” as street racers to work for him. And that’s it. I’m serious, that’s the total plot. That’s like an episode of your average TV cop show, only without the character depth. But you’re not really here for that anyway, are you? You just want to see pretty cars go pretty fast and that does happen, though arguably the best action scene is a foot chase. I guess you could say it’s fast and furious. And the lack of sex continues. This is car porn, not people porn. Beautiful girls abound, but they can’t compete with a fuel-injected V8. We see Vin Diesel and Paul Walker getting hot and heavy with their cars long before Walker notices the near perfect Jordana Brewster is around. The closest thing to non-automotive eroticism are the girl-on-girl make-outs that are apparently commonplace at street races according to these movies. This how you know while it may be a male movie, it’s not a man’s movie, because only boys see this and lose their shit. The rest of us roll our eyes and wonder when the race is going to start. I half expect the director to say that girls can only kiss girls because of cooties.

NUMBER THREE IS “JO” WHICH MY OTHER SISTER GOT
Monsters vs. Aliens is down to number two and starring as the voice of Ginormica is Reese Witherspoon and if you didn’t know she was a southern debutante, know that her name is Laura Jeanne Reese Witherspoon. Laura Jeanne!!! Let me put it this way, Britney’s middle name is Jean too. The only more clichéd southern middle name for a woman is “Lynn” which her sister got…and so did my mom…who then gave a version of it to my baby sister. It’s the south, y’all.

VACATIONS: GOOD FOR YOU, GOOD FOR THE VIEWING PUBLIC
The Haunting in Connecticut is down to number three, followed Knowing at number four and since 2004 Nicholas Cage has released eleven films (and technically been in 12)! He has kids. Doesn’t he miss them?

YOU KNOW WHAT I DID LAST SUMMER?
I Love You Man, is down to number five followed by Adventureland, opening at number six and this is a worthy entry into the coming of age genre and now I’m at the age where period coming of age films are now actually set when I was coming of age (just last year there was The Wackness, which was set in the early 90’s). This takes place in 1987 when Jesse Eisenberg has his plans to spend the summer after college in Europe derailed when his father is demoted and they have to move back to Pittsburgh. There he has to get a job at a cheesey, low-rent theme park by the name of Adventureland, where of course he finds romance, makes friends and takes a step on the road to manhood. Off-hand I’d say half this film’s budget went to the soundtrack and this actually uses the songs when appropriate, not just throwing them in willy nilly (yes, that’s an expression old people use). I consider it a minor miracle that “Boys Don’t Cry” isn’t set to a montage and the use of Crowded House’s “Don’t Dream It’s Over” was affecting and had me singing it the theater. It also avoids the trap of winking knowingly at the modern viewer. When they play video games at the arcade, there’s no aside about how great it would be to have those quality graphics at home one day. There are no jokes about Regan or comments on then hot celebrities. And the clothes and hair strive for accuracy without being kitschy or becoming costumes. Like most coming of age films, virginity plays a part and this is no exception. The protagonist has managed to escape college with his virtue intact mainly because he keeps telling girls about it (it had me at that point---not that the exact same thing once happened to me, because it didn’t now shut up about it!). To remedy this problem there’s always the appearance of “The Girl” and she’s here too, but you can always tell your better coming of age films, because she’s not necessarily idealized and has a darker hue. Again, no exception here. There’s even the older, wiser mentor, complete with the modern twist of them not being as perfect as they appear to be (because why else would they be in this dump to begin with). Nothing is new in a coming of age film, so it’s all in the execution and this is well executed (one of my favorite coming of age films to incorporate all these things is the little-known Those Lips, Those Eyes, starring Frank Langella, with Tom Hulce as a pre-med student working in summer stock theater in Ohio in the 50’s). Needless to say, writer/director Greg Mottola worked at a theme park when he was young. For that matter, so did I, but the dark truth about these coming of age films is that rarely is there some beautiful girl who makes you a man or breaks your heart in real life. There was a girl when I worked at Six Flags. She was the 17-year-old mother of a 2-year-old. I took her to the prom because I was too afraid to ask the girl I really wanted to take, it was a disaster, I learned nothing, never got the other girl and never really saw her again outside of work. That’s how real geeks spend their adolescence (and their 20’s and their 30’s and…when will this shit end?) Now, would you pay to see that? Exactly. Next time we'll cover my summer in NYC after my sophomore year where I managed not to get laid despite the two willing girls I was spending my time with. Now that's comedy!

AND IF THEY AREN’T SOLVING MYSTERIES, WHO CARES?
Race To Witch Mountain is down to number eight, followed by 12 Rounds at number nine and Sunshine Cleaning enters into the top ten at number ten and if you think the story of a woman who cleans up after crime scenes sounds familiar, that’s because it was done before. Bruce Willis’s hot cab driver from Pulp Fiction was played by Angela Jones, who later made a Tarantino produced film called Curdled where she was a woman who, fascinated by murder, cleaned up after crime scenes. I know it’s unfair but because I didn’t like that I was less inclined to even give this a try. It doesn’t help that this just stinks of “indie precious.” This is from the people who brought you Little Miss Sunshine and I suppose they thought they were being clever to use “sunshine” in the title but it also serves to rub me the wrong way. One day Amy Adams will make a movie I want to see.

LOVE PLUS 100
Speaking music from the 80’s, of course I had to watch the Top 100 One Hit Wonders of the 80’s. Normally this leads to me filling gaps in my collection, but I actually have all of it. All of it. Yes, my iPod is both that sad and that awesome. Of course the rules of this are suspect. They define “one hit wonder” as someone who only breaks the top ten once. I think that’s cheating. Quarterflash had three Top 40 hits: “Harden My Heart” “Night Shift” and their best song, though not their most successful “Take Me To Heart.” Shannon had “Let The Music Play” and “Give Me the Night.” Nu Shooz had “Point of No Return” and “I Can’t Wait” and so on… But I loved the updates of all the artists, not to mention finding out myth breaking facts like “Turning Japanese” not being about masturbation and “I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight” being about having an orgasm (Cutting Crew also had a second hit with the better “I’ve Been In Love Before”). And trivia like Fergie and Jennifer Love Hewitt singing backup on Martika’s “Toy Soldiers” and finding out Michael Sembello was playing guitar for Stevie Wonder when he was 17, so you know he’s the shit (he also had a second hit with “Automatic Man” and yes, it’s on my iPod). But there were some things clearly overlooked, like how The New Bohemians tried to continue on without Edie Brickell (not on my iPod because I do have standards) or that Robbie Dupree’s “Steal Away” not only sounded just like “What A Fool Believes” but Michael McDonald sang on it. I also became a fan of Ben Lee, who said some of the funniest shit about these acts, especially his comment on Jack Wagner (who also had a second hit in “All The Way”). You can tell who had a drug problem and who didn’t by their ability to still hit the notes. And it’s amazing who’s still making music, ‘cause some of these cats were already in their 30’s then, though some need to stop (yes, Twisted Sister, I’m talking to you). I love how gay men are keeping so many of the artists alive. Let that be a lesson to you: make a decent dance song and you can play gay clubs until you die. And while a few were surprisingly grateful and humble about having just one hit (which is actually more fucking amazing and difficult than you’ll ever know), but then there were the people who were clearly bitter, and while some had every right to be after being cheated out of millions, “Black Velvet” shouldn’t have been a hit anyway, Alyannah Myles, so suck it up. Now, give me my One Hit Wonders of the 90’s!

IN THE WORDS OF HALLE BERRY “MAKE ME FEEL GOOD!”
In these times of strife we turn to TV more than ever to help us make it through, so I’ve come to depend on certain “comfort food” shows, which include The Mentalist, The Eleventh Hour and now Castle, a very lighted-hearted crime drama about a very successful murder mystery author who “teams up” with an unwilling homicide detective because he wants to write a book about her and everyone in New York City from the mayor on down loves him. As always, I’m a sucker for a show clearly filmed in NYC, which makes it look good. That it’s fun also helps. I also liked how they openly acknowledge that it’s unusual for an attractive, upper middle class white woman (from Manhattan, no less) to be a cop. That’s just real for such a frothy show. You’ve never even seen it mentioned on a show like Law & Order. One thing all these shows have in common is that the hero is such because he’s smart. These aren’t tough guys with guns. In fact on every show the “tough guy” is the female law enforcement officer by his side. This one is a tad more believable because she’s tall. The girl from The Craft ain’t scaring nobody, gun and badge be damned.

ARE THE STARS OUT TONIGHT
I tend to forget when I see celebs which is why I haven’t done this in awhile. I mean it was weeks ago I was walking home and saw Taylor Momsen (Little J from Gossip Girl) and Phillip Seymour Hoffman in just two blocks. But this Sunday’s sighting will not be overlooked: Taye Diggs at 5th and 23rd. Yeah, this is how we roll in the big city, bitches.

NEWS FROM MY ASS
Well, I can walk standing upright two weeks later, though I can’t take full strides, so I’m sure people wonder who that freak is doing quick baby steps along the streets of New York. I almost never use the painkillers any longer and so have reached the most dangerous part of recovering from any illness of injury: feeling well enough to do stupid things. Yes, I’m so tired of changing my maxi pad three times a day because I’m soaking my ass three times a day. I’m tired of having to prop up on all fours in front of a fan to dry my ass after a soak because I can’t touch the two-inch wound---which looks like someone took an ice cream scooper to the inside of my ass cheek (yes, I bend over naked in front of the mirror to see it)---with a towel. After which I then apply the cream known as Analpram (you wish I were kidding) directly to the wound. But I’ve gotten so good at that my finger no longer smells like ass after I do it. And yes, I smell it every time. I’m also sick of the Metamucil twice a day and the stool softner three times a day. I’m sick of fearing taking a dump as it ranges from mildly irritating to still surprisingly painful (and occasionally bloody). And what happened to me that getting a great deal on maxi-pads became an accomplishment? Sigh. I’m sick of all of this, but I know I can’t stop even though I feel relatively fine. I can’t imagine what I’d do if I had a real illness and had to deal with months of recovery and the resulting fatigue. I’ve been comforting myself with strawberry milkshakes. I literally make one every night before bed using strawberry ice cream and real strawberries (sometimes I’ll add a banana). What’s pathetic is that even with this diet and no working out, I’m still five pounds lighter than I was before this happened. Let’s hear it for weight loss through trauma, everybody!