PLAY IESHA FOR ME

1. Obsessed/ScreenGem Wknd/$ 28.5 Total/$ 28.5
2. 17 Again/Warner Wknd/$ 11.7 Total/$ 40.0
3. Fighting/Rog Wknd/$ 11.4 Total/$ 11.4
4. The Soloist/Paramount-DW Wknd/$ 9.7 Total/$ 9.7
5. Earth/Disney Wknd/$ 8.6 Total/$ 14.2
6. Monsters Vs. Aliens/DreamW Wknd/$ 8.5 Total/$ 174.8
7. State of Play/Universal Wknd/$ 6.9 Total/$ 25.1
8. Hanna Montana The Movie/Disney Wknd/$ 6.4 Total/$ 65.6
9. Fast and Furious/Universal Wknd/$ 6.0 Total/$ 145.2
10. Crank: High Voltage/LionsGate Wknd/$ 2.4 Total/$ 11.5

MAYBE IF SHE’D USED THAT WHIP CREAM BIKINI FROM VARSITY BLUES
Obsessed or as I like to call it “Play Iesha For Me” opens at number one and this movie is either the one you most want to see in a Black audience, or the last film you want to see with a Black audience and you know why in both cases. It’s a totally interactive free-for-all. If you hear one word of dialogue from the screen it’s because there was a collective pause to eat the food smuggled in or drink the liquor smuggled in. I know for a fact some Black women were going to see this because they wanted to see a blonde White girl get her ass kicked for trying to take a Black man from a Black woman. Yeah, because they only go kicking and screaming to Buffy von Yellowcoochie’s embrace. It’s not the absolute first thing you do when you get a little success (I think the NFL actually gave out a pamphlet at the Draft this weekend to rookies called “Your Guide to White Women”). I can’t help but think the producers knew whom this film would appeal to the most and didn’t want to put them off, which is why the brutha never actually sleeps with Ali Larter. This is when you know they’re playing to the cheap seats, because it robs the character of some degree of depth that he wouldn’t make such a mistake and deprives the Ali Larter character a touch of humanity that her obsession doesn’t have a legitimate jumping off point. This is another variation on the obsessed woman theme whose godmother is actually Play Misty For Me, the Clint Eastwood film and not Fatal Attraction like most have believe, but again, in those films, the male lead does actually sleep with the eventually dangerous crazy person, but I’m sure that has nothing to do with why they’re probably better than this. When I realized they didn’t have the guts to make his character more a party to his own troubles, I knew I wouldn’t see it. I’ve no interest in the good, good Black man and his family being tormented by the evil, evil Blonde only to face justice as the fists of Sista Girl. Well, not unless we get a scene where we see Beyonce slipping off her earrings, getting out of her heels and putting Vaseline on herself so Ali Larter couldn’t get a good grip. Now that would be worth seeing.

FAMILY SITCOM: THE FINAL FRONTIER
17 Again is down to number two and say what you want about Jennifer Anniston, but at least she’s the star of her movies. Can you imagine her pretending to be the older version of Miley Cyrus? When did it all go wrong for Matthew Perry? Now, Fools Rush In is not a good movie, but it’s not awful either and who is going to say “No” to a romantic comedy with Salma Hayek? Next, it was Almost Heroes with Chris Farley and on what planet is a comedy about Lewis & Clark ever a good idea? Then came Three To Tango, another not good, but not awful movie and honestly this is the real crime. Mediocrity is worse than just being flat out bad. He got lucky when The Whole Nine Yards mysteriously became a hit and proved what I’ve always known: if you want Bruce Willis to be funny, make him play it straight. But it was right back down into the cellar with Serving Sara where he was cast as a tough, wiseass process server who secretly wanted to make wine. Yeah. It should have ended there, but no, they went through and made a film and while I personally feel Liz Hurley in a short plaid skirt is justification for an entire movie the rest of the world disagrees. After this came The Whole Ten Yards where they let Bruce Willis try to actively be wacky and the result was like the rest of his bad comedies. Realizing the big screen was not his friend, he returned to TV in the train wreck that was Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip. I’m sorry but have these guys learned nothing from the career of John Ritter? He tried movies, but came to realize his home was TV and his four-decade career in it reflected that. Your future is in another sitcom as well, Matthew Perry. You’re at that age. Time to play a beleaguered father with three kids (attractive teen, overly smart middle child, cute kid) and a wife who are all smarter than you and William Shatner playing your dad to explain those pauses in the way you speak.

NEXT UP FOR OBVIOUSLY MOVIE TITLE: JOKING
Fighting opens up at number three and if you go by the movies, there’s a massive underground fighting network that practically spans the globe where rich people bet all the time. Notice how you’ve never heard about it in the real world. No one is ever arrested running one, no down-on-his-luck ex fighter winds up in one…basically this is the movie equivalent of the hooker-with-a-heart of gold in that it exists solely in the minds of writers who cannot fight and have never met a hooker in their lives. Now I saw Jean Claude Van Damme endure it in Lionheart 19 years ago and Jackie Chan do it in The Big Brawl 29 years ago (damn, I’m old!), so I decided to spare myself this, especially when it just looks like boxing and not martial arts (not that I would have seen that either), but it got some decent reviews by not being the typical movie it could and probably should have been. Not that I care.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT AMY IRVING AS PUERTO RICAN WAS ENOUGH
The Soloist opens at number four after being postponed from its original Oscar bait December release, which is never a good sign. But I’m grateful because had it gotten Oscar nominations as well as the begrudgingly positive reviews it’s been getting I might have felt pressure to go see it. Now, I’ve disliked Jamie Foxx to begin with, but with every passing second of every day he becomes more and more unbearable. Not even the presence of Catherine Keener and Robert Downey Jr are enough to allow me to overcome it. It doesn’t help that, even though it’s a true story and even though Downey is technically playing a Latino (no, I’m not kidding), it comes across as still another story about a White person who finds meaning in his life thanks to a Black person he saves. See what you should have been doing with your one little moment of heat, Benjamin Bratt?

GOOD THING THEY RECORDED IT BEFORE IT’S GONE
Earth opens surprisingly well at number five and this is a warm and fuzzy documentary about the nature and world. You know, those things we’re slowly killing? Yeah, them. I’m pretty sure this is all IMAX money, which is good for them and ultimately good for theatrical films because it provides a reason to actually go out to see them rather than wait for cable or DVD, being an experience you simply can’t duplicate at home.

MONSTERS VS. ALIENS VS. A PUBLIC USED TO BETTER
Monsters Vs. Aliens, down to number six has made $175 domestic…which means it just broke even. No, I’m not kidding. Lucky for it another $125M is coming in from international, though it still has yet to turn a profit and probably won’t until well into DVD territory. Somewhere, a group of Pixar people are laughing their asses off.

THE QUEEN AND THE GLADIATOR…DOING IT
State of Play drops down to number six letting you know what the American public thinks of talky-talky adult movies that deal with subjects like the death of newspapers, and co-opting of the military by private contractors. If it helps you to see it, while it may feel like a 70’s conspiracy movie, it doesn’t have that same type of depressing ending. I mean, it ain’t fully happy but it does end somewhat hopefully. And we are mercifully not burdened with a romantic subplot between Russell Crowe and Rachel McAdams. He’s the experienced reporter and she’s the blogger working on her first big story. Though if they wanted Helen Mirren and Russell Crowe to hook up I’d have been down for that. The way they fight you know they’re supposed to be fucking and you know it’d be hot.

I HATE THAT I KNOW ANY OF THIS
Hannah Montana The Musical is down to number eight and supposedly little Miley Cyrus is dumping her model boyfriend to return to a more age appropriate Jonas Brother. Model boy shouldn’t be surprised because: 1) He’s nobody and 2) at his age he should know musicians always win. I guess this is the beginning of his “Chris Judd” phase where he’s briefly known for being the ex of a superstar before vanishing altogether into the ether. Then again, Chris Judd existed in the time before the internet really came into its own. This fucker could be with us indefinitely, especially if he lands another celebrity.

SOME OF US ARE JUST TOO PRETTY TO WORK
Fast & Furious is down to number nine and unlike Monsters vs. Aliens this is clearly profitable, having cleared $289 worldwide on an $85M budget and I find myself liking Paul “Pretty Boy” Walker more when he confessed that he’s really good at not working. I like it when other people are lazy too even when their jobs are easy.

SOMEWHERE LOBBYING FOR DAWSON’S CREEK THE MOVIE
Finally, Crank: High Voltage closes out the top ten at number ten and begins its journey to becoming one of those films people watch while stoned. In other words, just like the first one. With Amy Smart here and Ali Larter in Obsessed and even Paul Walker in Fast & Furious, we’ve got Varsity Blues well represented. How sad is the irony that the only person not showing up in movies is the star, Paul Van der Beek? It’s even worse for She’s All That. Paul Walker, Dule Hill, Gabrielle Union, Usher, Lil Kim, Anna Paquin and even Jodi Lynn O’Keefe are all working, but when was the last time you saw Freddie Prinze Jr. or Rachel Leigh Cook? Well, Matthew Lillard isn’t working either but that’s just because his entire career was a sin against god.

CALL IT THE “SPIDER-MAN” EFFECT WHERE EVERY HERO IS BETTER YOUNGER
While most people only know Iron Man from the movie, kids and geeks know he keeps getting animated shows and the latest to arrive is Iron Man: The Armored Adventures on Nicktoons. This time they make it clear who their audience is by making Tony Stark a teenager, looking to avenge (yes, that’s a pun) his father’s death at the hands of Obadiah Stane and get his family’s company back. Rhodey, Pepper and even Happy Hogan are his high school classmates. Of course geeks are up in arms about this, apparently forgetting that in the mainstream Marvel Comics he was actually turned into Teen Iron Man for awhile and Orson Scott Card also did an adaptation of Iron Man where he’s a kid genius running around in an Iron Man suit. Honestly, if you take it for what it is, it’s not a bad show. A damn sight better than the Wolverine & The X-Men show that also started this year. And it’s got a great theme song by Rooney.

DOUCHEBAGS OF LOVE
It’s the dream we all dream of…at last, Daisy of Love started on VH1, just as I was beginning to go through withdrawal from Rock of Love and after being totally disappointed by The Cougar, which was only amusing in that the woman pretty much stated she was there to fuck young dudes. And I’m pretty sure I saw Vivica Fox high five her for saying so, but I can’t be sure. Talk about a fall there. From making movies with Will Smith and Halle Berry to hosting a reality show to help you pursue your current hobby of cradle robbing, proving that it can be as unattractive on women as it is on men. And I’d like to say the producers purposely front-loaded Daisy with a lot of losers, but having seen her actual boyfriend on Rock of Love 2, she’d probably be dating these guys in real life anyway. I’d love to see what would happen if they switched the men from The Cougar with the men from Daisy of Love. I don’t think Daisy would know what to do with a man who had an actual job. Now Daisy’s appeal is that she seems like someone who needs protecting and saving. This effect extends to women as well as men and nothing about the show changes that. I guess this is why they gave her a chaperone in Rikki “Sloppy Seconds” Rachtman. She needs protection and constant, constant supervision. And where the hell is her uncle, Oscar de la Hoya? It’s not like he’s working. And they probably wear the same lingerie, though he’s a bit prettier. Sorry, but he is. Someone needs to make Daisy over, stat. She’s rocking a strong tranny look (or Janice from the Muppets), which I suppose says something about the men who want her. Only the douche known as 12-Pack was honest enough to say what everyone was thinking. But I will not miss an episode.

AND THEN THERE’S…
So Bea Arthur passed and while many remember her as Maude and others from The Golden Girls, for me she’s immortalized as the recipient of the best diss ever from Jeffery Ross: “I wouldn’t fuck you with Bea Arthur’s dick.” I doesn’t get any meaner or funnier.