STEAM ROOM SPACE CRUISER

1. How To Train Your Dragon/Para Wknd/$ 43.3 Total/$ 43.3

2. Alice in Wonderland/Touchstone Wknd/$ 17.3 Total/$ 293.1

3. Hot Tub Time Machine/MGM Wknd/$ 13.7 Total/$ 13.7

4. The Bounty Hunter/Sony Wknd/$ 12.4 Total/$ 38.8

5. Diary of a Wimpy Kid/Fox Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 35.8

6. She’s Out of My League/Paramount Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 25.6

7. Green Zone/Universal Wknd/$ 3.4 Total/$ 30.4

8. Shutter Island/Paramount Wknd/$ 3.2 Total/$ 120.6

9. Repo Men/Universal Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 11.3

10. Our Family Wedding/Fox Searchlight Wknd/$ 2.2 Total/$ 16.8

NO, IT’S NOT A MOVIE ABOUT MASTURBATION

How To Train Your Dragon opens at number one knocking Alice in Wonderland down to number two giving it a taste of its own medicine. Yeah, it’s better than Alice in Wonderland but that “3D + kids” combination cannot be denied and right now every fantasy book you every bought your kids is being turned into a 3D film. One advantage of this is, unlike most kids films, this usually means a complete 3-act story. The disadvantage is, unless the producers have a passion for this particular story you’re going to get a perfunctory adaptation with none the quality that made the book special. This seems more perfunctory, which is pretty much what you would expect from the producers of Shrek. Metaphors and subtext are just words to them. What they do understand are “dragons” and “coming of age story” and that’s good enough for them and that’s pretty much what you have here. A Viking village has been at war for generations with the flying dragons that besiege them regularly (the film’s first good joke is that being Vikings they simply can’t do the logical thing and just move). The misfit son of the village chief discovers however that the dragons aren’t as bad as everyone thinks when he manages to knock one out of the sky with one of his inventions. Yeah, that’s it. But it’s enough for a 90 minute movie especially when someone had the oddly funny idea that some of the Vikings should have Scottish accents and cast Gerard Butler and Colin Ferguson. And of course, it’s easy on the eyes actually containing a few 3D worthy moments where things come at you, though they abandon it rather quickly.

I GUESS STEAM ROOM SPACE CRUISER WAS BUDGET PROHIBITIVE

Hot Tub Time Machine opens at number three and I have to say this is some inspired silliness. Basically, you have to be pretty smart to come up with an idea this dumb and then proceed full tilt with a knowing awareness of that. This is epitomized by the casting of John Cusack (not to mention an appearance by none other than Johnny from the Karate Kid himself, William Zabka). You couldn’t get more 80’s relevant if you cast Molly Ringwald or Michael J. Fox. But they don’t go for the obvious Say Anything or The Sure Thing references, instead choosing one of Cusack’s smaller comedies, Better Off Dead, which did center around skiing like one of those bizarre sub-genre of teen ski comedies we had in the 80’s. It’s seemed odd to me at the time, but then I remember some people go skiing like others go to the beach, so if you had teen beach sex comedies (Cusack did one of those too, called Hot Pursuit), then you’d have teen skiing sex comedies. It also harkens back to Back To The Future as you have protagonists with a less-than-ideal present situation who are sent back into the past where they must try not to change history---then you realize that may not be such a bad thing after all. Especially when you learn that this time in their lives that they’ve idealized was actually the time of their biggest failures, which forever shaped their lives. There’s even a character that begins flickering out as the circumstances of his conception get tampered with. Movie references continue as they invoke the Here Comes Mr. Jordan/Heaven Can Wait effect of we see the actors as themselves while everyone sees them as their characters, which int his case means 18-year-old selves and the joke of them occasionally seeing themselves in a mirror occurs frequently enough that we don’t forget it, but not overused. There was more mining of the 80’s as joke fodder to be used here but oddly goes untouched (one minor character’s obsession with Red Dawn is a good example) abandoned instead for Rob Corddry being full-tilt Rob Corddry and if you run out of actual wit to fall back on (which they clearly did), it’s not a bad plan.

CUTE CAN GET OLD, BUT BEAUTIFUL LASTS FOREVER

The Bounty Hunter is down to number four and one of the reasons that Jennifer Anniston is allowed to continue on her mediocre comedy movie career (aside from being a planet in the solar system of the white hot sun of Brad & Angelina) is that they never cost too much so they don’t have to do that well to succeed. This only cost $40M and has made almost that much back domestically. It may not be a super success, but neither will it be listed as a tremendous failure, meaning she’s going to keep doing them until she’s too old to be sold on her girl-next-door appeal any longer. Ask Meg Ryan what’s that like as she crossed that threshold a few years back. She got too old to play that “cute” card any longer and had nothing else to sell. Take a look at your future, Kate Hudson.

AND YET, NO DANNY DUNN MOVIE

Diary of a Wimpy Kid is down to number five and if you doubt the salability of kid’s books adapted into film, know this cost $15M with no stars and has made $36M in two weeks.

IT’S NOT THAT WE DON’T LIKE YOU, IT’S THAT WE DON’T “LIKE YOU” LIKE YOU

She’s Out of My League is down to number six and again, it only cost $20M and has made $25. No big smash, but not quite a blight on anyone’s film career either. And like Gerard Butler, Jay Baruchel also does a voice in How To Train Your Dragon (playing Butler’s son in fact) giving them both two films in the top ten, the better, more successful one where they’re not seen onscreen at all.

GET IT? ORIFICES? PENETRATION? YEAH, IT’S SUBTLE.

Green Zone is down to number seven, followed by Shutter Island at number eight and Repo Men at number nine and there are two actually impressive moments in this film. First, is a bloody knife fight with Jude Law and his love interest versus an entire group of repo men. The second follows almost immediately in a “sex-surgery” scene worthy of David Cronnenberg where they have to make incisions in each other’s bodies, reach in and electronically record their artificial organs. As they do so they kiss and embrace and their faces contort in what should be agony, but alternately seems like ecstasy. That they’re using some type of red cocaine as an anesthetic adds to this (“Have you ever fucked on cocaine, Nick?”). There’s also an awesome song playing on the soundtrack called “Sing It Back” by Moloko. So yeah, bloody surgery sex is one of the highlights of the film. You have been warned.

THE END

Finally, Our Family Wedding closes out the top ten at number ten.

IT’S THE “WRATH OF KHAN” TO THE “MOTION PICTURE” OF THE FIRST PART OF THE SONG

Speaking of music being the best part of something, How To Make It In America isn’t good for much aside from giving me a light-hearted show that’s clearly filmed in NYC, but it did give me my new favorite song: “Shooting Star” by Bag Raiders. Though what I really like is the last minute of the four-minute song. There’s a break and it changes dramatically into a different, better, more uptempo song. But this happens a lot. What I like most about Peter Wolf’s “Lights Out” is the last minute of that song. The Spice Girls “2 Become 1” ends with a wonderful rhythmic instrumental repetition---unlike the previous three minutes of them singing.

I NEVER MEANT TO CAUSE YOU ANY SORROW, I NEVER MEANT TO CAUSE YOU ANY PAIN

I complained recently about what I consider a massive failure of the gay men who supposed control the fashion industry: no fashionable rain boots. Seriously, if men are really running things, where are the boots of many colors, styles and designs like women? If you find any they’re like you’re going hunting or something and at best it’s either black, brown or friggin orange. You want colors? Europe. Seriously. Men in Europe have more choices than the greatest city in the greatest nation in the world and that’s unacceptable. The only time I saw a man in fashionable rainboots was a guy in Marc Jacobs on the subway. Thankfully, I live in a city with four Marc Jacobs stores in four blocks of one another (general, men’s, women’s, children’s) and at the men’s store I found men’s rain boots in a variety of colors for only $28 a pop. Now, I could have gone typical dark blue or utterly flamboyant in the florescent colors, but I went for the visual joke that no one, but my buddy OG (Original Geek) got. Dark Purple (with Lavender soles). Get it? Come on, it’s pretty obvious. They’re rain boots…in purple. Purple rain boots. Purple Rain! Sigh.

TOO TIRED TO REALIZE I’M TIRED

Since I was down in the West Village looking for boots, I decided to swing by the bookstore across from Magnolia bakery, which had been there forever and no doubt benefited from those stupid lines caused at Magnolia by its appearance on Sex & The City. But clearly not enough. My heart sank when I saw the empty storefront where it used to be. But as it turns out it was only the location that was lost. The store itself had moved over to Bleecker between 6^th and 7^th. I made the walk, but as I did so was a beset by a nonstop memories of the all time I’d spent down there from time with college friends at that damn Caliente Cab to half a dozen restaurants and bars that no longer existed. If I were out, I was down in the West Village almost always. Young Married Couple and Nice Jewish Doctor both lived in the West Village so I spent a lot of time down there with them as well. Now they’ve got kids and had to move away and hell, I’m just too old be down there. Seriously. While I was never Mr. Nightlife, in retrospect it was not unusual for me to meet friends after work some place on a regular basis, but while down there after work in my search, all I could think about was getting home to take a nap. Calling a friend and saying, “Hey, I’ll be downtown. Wanna grab a drink?” never, ever occurred to me. What did occur to me in fact, is that it didn’t occur to me.

HOW DARK CAN A GUY WITH A BOY WONDER REALLY BE?

Death continues to decimate classic TV taking Davy Crockett/Daniel Boone himself, Fess Parker, and then Robert Culp, best known to one generation from I Spy and another as the FBI Guy in Greatest American Hero. Sadly, after that he’s pretty much unknown on TV. For me, however, there was no greater loss than Dick Giordano, artist inker and editor at DC Comics, best known for inking Neal Adams’ version of the revamped “Dark Knight” Batman of the 60’s. He was also the editor in chief who greenlit Frank Miller’s updating of that concept for Dark Knight Returns, whose influence Giordano would later regret for its dark influence over comics that continues to this day.

QUICK DRAW MCGRAW

1. Alice in Wonderland/Touchstone Wknd/$ 34.5 Total/$ 265.8

2. Diary of a Wimpy Kid/Fox Wknd/$ 21.8 Total/$ 21.8

3. The Bounty Hunter/Sony Wknd/$ 21.0 Total/$ 20.0

4. Repo Men/Universal Wknd/$ 6.2 Total/$ 6.2

5. She’s Out of My League/Paramount Wknd/$ 6.0 Total/$ 20.0

6. Green Zone/Universal Wknd/$ 6.9 Total/$ 24.7

7. Shutter Island/Paramount Wknd/$ 4.8 Total/$ 115.8

9. Our Family Wedding/Fox Searchlight Wknd/$ 3.8 Total/$ 13.7

8. Avatar/Fox Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 736.9

10. Remember Me Wknd/$ 3.3 Total/$ 13.9

MORE LIKE BORN EVERY OTHER SECOND

Alice in Wonderland holds at number one and somewhere P.T. Barnum is smiling at all the suckers coughing up this money to see this in 3D. Do you feel immersed in the film? Do you remember the Cheshire Cat sitting in your lap? No. Then what’s the point of 3D if none of these things occur? People should be ducking under the seats because they think shit is flying at them, not sitting passively. Otherwise, what is the point beyond increased ticket prices that people are far-too-willing to pay because they think they’re getting something extra? I think I just answered my own question.

DIARY OF A GEEK IS MINE AND MINE ALONE

Diary of a Wimpy Kid opens at number two and being old and having no kids, I’ve never heard of this before. Clearly, millions of kids know differently. This is based on a successful book, one that seems like the type of thing that would appeal to me at that age. The movie, however, does not and while going to see animation can be somewhat forgiven, to be a middle aged man with no kids in to see something like this is a quick trip to the FBI watch list.

DEBBIE REYNOLDS DIDN’T NEED IT

The Bounty Hunter opens at number three and Jennifer Anniston should pay her ex-husband alimony. Seriously, without Brad and Angelina exactly what does Jennifer Anniston have to support a film career? She’s not bringing the charm like Sarah Jessica Parker, she’s not bringing the seriously pretty like the aforementioned Angelina and god knows she’s not bringing the acting like Kate Winslet, so what exactly is her appeal based upon? Being “The Wronged Woman” of a super-star couple that’s what. She had her shot at leading lady status when Friends was hot and they all bombed and they looked a lot better than this stuff here. When one of your so-called jokes in the commercial is Gerard Butler tackling Jennifer Anniston you’re in serious trouble. The only role Jennifer Anniston should have in a film is the buddy of the real star. She should be Sarah Jessica Parker’s bitchy/slutty sister, but she’s got no business in the leading role and clearly no taste for scripts if these are the choices she continues to make. She’s right up there with Kate Husdon and Jennifer Garner as “most likely to be in one of the worst romantic comedies you’ve ever seen.”

OPERATION THE MOVIE!

Repo Men opens number four and you know how they always say that homoeroticism is always at the heart of every action movie? Well, movies like this are why they say that. Set in a dystopian future where pretty much your health care provider or loan office can repossess your artificial organs (and leaving you to die in the process) should you not make payments, Jude Law and Forrest Whittaker are two sociopathic repo men who feel no remorse at cutting someone up and leaving them to die on their living room floor, or even taking time out from a barbeque to doing a procedure in a cab, which Forrest Whittaker does, thus causing Jude Law’s wife to leave him. Whittaker is overjoyed with his new roommate, but Law isn’t and plans on moving up to sales until an accident costs him his heart and suddenly he can’t do his job thanks to the empathy he now feels. This, of course ultimately sends him on the run for his overdue payments with Whittaker in reluctant pursuit. Now, this wants to be a dark social satire pretending to be an action movie like Robocop (and it more than matches it in gory bloodletting), but it’s just a B-movie science fiction action movie with delusions of grandeur. That it’s utterly legal to kill people for not paying their debts should have been at the heart of this movie, but it’s not. We should have seen more the incredibly insane society that allows this to happen but we don’t. That there’s also no mention of the otherwise good organs that go to waste when the borrower dies is your first clue. There should have been another competitive business that gathers those. Now, there are two developments at the beginning of the movie, which pretty much give away what’s to occur, and they both play on the love story between Forrest Whittaker and Jude Law. The first is pretty obvious: Forrest Whittaker causes the accident that results in Jude Law’s artificial heart. I don’t think I’m giving anything away as it’s revealed halfway in and we see him doing it! So, basically Forrest Whittaker completely destroys Jude Law’s life to keep Jude from leaving him! The other development is one line that pretty obviously gives away the film’s ending. It’s like the Hitchcock rule: “Don’t show a gun unless that gun is going off.” Well, they show a gun and it predictably goes off at the end of the movie in one of the gayest moments ever short of Forrest Whittaker and Jude Law in a tent.

YES, THIS HAS BEEN A THEME FOR AWHILE

She’s out of my League is down to number five and starring in this is Jay Baruchel and your probably remember him as one of the creepy roommates in Knocked Up. He was also the star of the TV show Undeclared, also a Judd Apatow creation which is probably why the first episode was how a hot chick deflowers him the first night of college.

THIS IS WHAT “THE MAN” LOOKS LIKE

Green Zone is down to number six and Greg Kinnear is making a career out of playing the WASPy weasel. In a perfect world he, James Spader and William Hurt would all play related characters, one in government, one in a corporation and one in the military, basically summing up most of their roles for the last twenty years.

THE TWO OF YOU WHO HAVEN’T SEEN AVATAR MIGHT WANT TO SKIP THIS PART

Shutter Island is down to number seven, followed by Avatar at number eight and if you haven’t seen it by now, tough. I’m going to give away something away by saying maybe one day James Cameron will make a movie where his ass-kicking Latina military officer lives. First the amazing Vasquez (who was actually played by a Jew) bites it in Aliens and Michele Rodriquez won’t be in any Avatar sequel that comes along. Too bad because, she always looks good in tank top with a gun.

NO JOKES ABOUT BRUCE WILLIS’ DAUGHTER PLEASE

Our Family Wedding is down to number nine giving Forrest Whittaker two mediocre films in the top ten, while Remember Me closes out the top ten at number ten and doesn’t it make perfect sense that Pierce Brosnan is the onscreen father of Robert Pattinson? Pretty people usually make more pretty people, not this Harrison Ford and Shia Lebouf bullshit. Know who played Justin Timberlake’s dad in a straight to DVD baseball movie last year? Jeff Bridges. Know who’s gonna play Serena’s dad on Gossip Girl? William Baldwin. Know who’s played Meg Ryan’s mother twice? Candice Bergen. Now that’s casting.

BUT I’LL NEVER SEE GONE WITH THE WIND! EVER!

Well, thanks to an intervention from Movie Buddy ’98 (yes, we’ve known each other that long) I finally saw Crazy Heart and it was good without being excessive Oscar bait. We’ve seen the story of the broken down “your job of choice here” who, in the twilight of their career/life meets a younger person who affects them for the better. Like say, Up In The Air, the “narcissist who discovers themselves” is never, ever new, just a matter of how well it’s done and this is done pretty well without them going over-the-top with it. Though an alcoholic, Bridges is a functioning one and while he may not perform a gig perfectly, he doesn’t miss them because he’s passed out drunk in an alcoholic stupor or get someone hurt the way a less clumsy film would have done for the sake of drama, which is one of the fears that kept me from seeing it over the past four months. But it’s gonna take more than one person to make me see Precious.

SLOW HAND

Somewhere down the line, Timothy Olyphant joined my mancrush list so I was supremely happy to see he’d not only be on TV again , but on a show I’d actually like to watch. Sorry, Deadwood fans, but it just wasn’t to my tastes. I left when Wild Bill died. Also, shows about US Marshals tend to be good, from the incredibly underrated The Marshall with Jeff Fahey, to currently, In Plain Sight. Like those two, Justified continues the tradition of modern TV marshals being smart with a dry wit. This time around Olyphant is a marshal from Kentucky who is sent back there after he kills a man in Miami that he literally told to “get out of town” like a marshal of yesteryear. Back in Kentucky he’s pitted against and old acquaintance who is now a Neo-Nazi criminal, but despite appearances it not dumb. More than anyone he knows why the marshal tends to shoot people. Again, no one is stupid and that goes a long way with me. Too often everyone around our hero is made to look dumb or incompetent so he can look better, not apparently realizing if everyone is smart and competent he looks just that much better when he succeeds. My only problem here is the use of “down home” southern accents and speech patterns, especially on the potential love interest. The actress isn’t up to the task making her scenes painful to watch, like a Minnesota high school production of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. But it’s only first episode and I enjoyed it enough to hope it will only get better as most shows do from their pilots.

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT…YOU FAT PIECE OF SPRITE SOAKED PIZZA

I didn’t mean to watch Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution but it seemed to be destiny as I was eating a frozen pizza (on which I had placed extra cheese) while drinking soda. Yes, we are a nation of fat, fat bastards and it’s our own fault. I could have gotten a freshly made pizza from the Amish Market, but this was on-sale. This is why the soda tax makes sense to me. No sale, no soda in my house. Except the shit I get from work. Though sometimes I swear, I’d have Sprite running from the faucets if I could. Wait. Where was I? Oh, yeah…Yes, the key is taking the time to make the things you like. Pizza and hamburgers aren’t bad, per se, but a freshly made one is infinitely better than one you get out of your frozen food section or from McDonald’s. And if you could make your own crust and bread… But there’s the rub. Who the hell has time!?! There’s a lot of internet to be surfed. Not to mention, no one likes being told they’re totally wrong in how they live their lives, which is what he was essentially doing. Doesn’t matter that he’s right and Fat-Ass, USA was wrong. He’s got an English accent and they need to change. Of course they were going to fight him even though those sad bastards were feeding kids pizza and chocolate milk for breakfast. What. The Fuck. On what planet is that right!?! It also means more work, because to feed the kids better, more of the food would have to be freshly made. Easy to say, but you’re not on the kitchen staff who, used to warming up chicken patties for 450 kids, now has to prepare chicken fresh for 450 kids. And you’re in your 60’s. It shouldn’t be getting harder, but easier. I mean, 99% of the reason I don’t cook more is because I don’t have a dishwasher and cooking means cleaning. Whereas frozen shit means eating it on the container it came in. No mess, no fuss. And honestly, isn’t Sprite amazing? But I need to do something, as despite the semi-regular working out, I’m still threatening to get “the belly line.” You know, that line under your gut right before your crotch completing the circle of your jelly belly? It’s coming. Know why? ‘Cause Sprite is amazing. Especially after nachos.

NICK AT NITE AWARDS TAKE ANOTHER HIT

Peter Graves and Fess Parker in one week? Clearly Death wants all her favorite old TV stars. And I’m still pissed they dicked over Peter Graves’ Mission Impossible character in the movie with Tom Cruise. Show some fucking respect.

WHERE ARE MY RAIN BOOTS!?!

1. Alice in Wonderland/Touchstone Wknd/$ 62.0 Total/$ 208.6

2. Green Zone/Universal Wknd/$ 14.5 Total/$ 14.5

3. She’s Out of My League/Paramount Wknd/$ 9.6 Total/$ 9.6

4. Remember Me Wknd/$ 8.3 Total/$ 8.3

5. Shutter Island/Paramount Wknd/$ 8.1 Total/$ 108.0

6. Our Family Wedding/FoxSearchlight Wknd/$ 7.6 Total/$ 7.6

7. Avatar/Fox Wknd/$ 6.6 Total/$ 730.3

8. Brooklyn’s Finest/ Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 21.4

9. Cop Out/Warner Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 39.4

10. The Crazies/ Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 33.4

A VARIETY OF WOMEN FROM A TO B

Alice in Wonderland holds at number one and somewhere Lisa Marie is pissed beyond all belief, having been summarily replaced in all Tim Burton’s movies by Helena Bonham Carter. And wasn’t she in fact suing him over something? Hell, hath no fury… That she later wound up boning Jeff Goldblum suggests tall, lanky and funny looking is what she likes, but she’s still one of the reasons Burton is full of shit to me. All this bullshit about how he’s different and darker and he went from “model” to “actress.” Wow, that’s really unconventional, Tim. Never seen that before. You and George Clooney would have nothing to talk about. Not to mention he’s technically the boss on the set, so basically he’s banging his employees, which makes him like every other director in the history of film. And more than anything he destroyed my love of Helena Bonham Carter, who is a combination of The Red Queen and The Queen of Hearts in this. They’re two different characters in the books, but not so here. And while there’s a tiny bit of characterization suggesting that she’s not simply evil for the sake of it, it’s sacrificed so Johnny Depp can inexplicably speak in some odd Scottish brogue.

HOW THIS MISSED OLIVER STONE I’LL NEVER KNOW

The Green Zone opens at number two and for those of you disappointed with the lack of “good guys” and “bad guys” in The Hurt Locker or have been waiting for an action film that flat out says the war was bullshit, then here’s your movie. BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WILL PAUL GREENGRASS PLEASE USE A FUCKING TRIPOD!?! This shaky cam bullshit is working my last nerve. It’s okay in small doses, lending a certain gritty edge to films like this, but if I’m too busy dealing with my headache and nausea from said camerawork than watching, then whatever you hoped to accomplish is all for naught. The movie takes place just after the invasion of Iraq and Matt Damon is looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction and continuously coming up empty. He first questions the intel then joins a CIA agent (no, they don’t get the blame this time) and a journalist who once championed the idea in finding out why. This doesn’t sit too well with Pentagon official, Greg Kinnear, for reasons that aren’t difficult to imagine. Yeah, it’s not complex. People who serve in the field and noble and know best and problems always arise from people who sit far away in offices making life and death decisions. A horrible war was caused by a bunch of pencil pushers. If this is what you’re looking for but documentaries with no movie stars weren’t enough for you, your prayers have been answered. Ironically, despite such heavy themes, it’s like any action movie you’ve ever seen: great, so long as you don’t think about it too much, then it collapses in on itself, especially the ending which clearly took place in an alternative universe, as this was 2003 and we know how everything turns out.

A FUNNY UGLY GUY IS STILL UGLY

She’s Out of My League opens at number three and the hook of this is that we’re actually acknowledging that the male lead is vastly inferior to his love interest? As opposed to the literally hundreds of movies where we don’t? Movies that essentially make up the careers of Jack Nicholson, Dustin Hoffman, Nicholas Cage, Bill Murray and now Seth Rogan and Shia Lebeouf? This could be the subtitle for every single one of them from Candice Bergen to Katherine Heigl. And despite the title they still hedge their bets with a guy who’s actually kind of cute and with a girl who isn’t exactly Megan Fox. Honestly, I’ve seen this movie a hundred times but done with an actual plot beyond “She’s too pretty for him.”

SPOILERS ABOUT REMEMBER ME, YOU SONS OF BITCHES!!!

Don’t say I didn’t warn you… Speaking of equally attractive leads, Remember Me opens at number four and I was almost about to see this until I read about the bullshit ending. It’s a happy ending until the vampire pretty boy starts his new job…in the World Trade Center. What. The. Fuck? I’m sorry, but I have no time for that. What kind of talentless fucking hack thinks that’s clever!?! What kinds of idiots also like it and then give him money and then how in debt are the actors involved to take this fucking role!?! I k now you’re tired of the vampire shit, kid, but this was your best choice!?! I don’t hold 9/11 sacred and actually see its use in popular culture is a good sign, a sign of healing. After all, no one blinks about using Pearl Harbor or The Titanic for their stories, though they were horrible tragedies at the time. Know why? Because we’ve healed. No, what I hate about it is the sheer fucking laziness and lack of imagination it takes to do something like this. It’s why I hate Saving Private Ryan, because it’s filled with cheap-ass bullshit clichés made by people who lack the talent to create drama otherwise. Ooh, the solider who tried to show mercy gets killed. Oh, the Nazi that Tom Hanks set free comes back to kill him. Ooh, the guy who can’t kill then kills him. It’s also why I love that they let Natalie Portman live in the movie adaptation of Closer, because it’s just amateur hour to use the “…and then they died!” ending out of the blue. Just because you’re smarter than Alanis Morisette and actually know what “irony” means, doesn’t make you talented enough to use it properly in telling a story. Fuckwads.

AND DAWSON IS JUST FLAT OUT M.I.A.

Shutter Island is down to number five and is it just me or are you happy to see Michelle Williams working every time you see her? Yeah, I know they were apart when Heath Ledger died and he was spending time with skanks in SoHo, but you still feel for her. And she must drive Katie Holmes crazy. A better career in better projects and she didn’t have to sell her soul to get it. Yeah, she suffered in her own way, but she got public sympathy for it, while Holmes’ marriage to Tom Cruise is mocked on a daily basis.

TWICE AS UNINTERESTING

Our Family Wedding opens at number six and yes, on paper it seems like a good idea that if you appeal to two minority groups you don’t have to worry about anyone else, but this is clearly low-rent and you wonder why Oscar Winning Actor Forrest Whittaker is even here. And didn’t Ugly Betty do more for America Ferrara so she wouldn’t have to do stuff like this? And Carlos Mencia…well, clearly Paul Rodriquez and George Lopez said, “No.”

I BARELY WORK DURING THE WEEK AND YOU WANT ME ON THE WEEKENDS TOO?

Avatar is down to number seven, followed by Brooklyn’s Finest at number eight and my plans to see it this weekend were ruined by my freaking job of all things. But that’s okay. The longer it takes me to see it, the more dialogue I’ll probably be able to hear.

THE END

Cop Out is down to number nine with The Crazies closing out the top ten at number ten.

MY FAVORITE PORN STARS DON’T HAVE IMPLANTS

I’ve lived in New York for 25^th years and I have to say without a question, Lady GaGa’s “Telephone” video is one of the gayest things I’ve ever seen and last week I saw some guy with cut-off denim shorts with brightly colored knee socks. You know something is truly gay when it has half-naked women gyrating and all it does is confuse you because you know it’s not meant for your titillation, like say the other Beyonce/Lady GaGa “Telephone” video. All that ass-shaking was meant for me, not the boys in Chelsea. And yes, I did recognize two of the girls in the prison as being leeeetle bit porn-ish, but not so well as I knew them by name. Thankfully, the internet was more than willing to point it out to me at every given occasion (Jessica Drake and Alektra Blue). And color me impressed that Beyonce would be willing to return the video favor and be Lady GaGa’s lesbian girlfriend. Somewhere Madonna is pissed. And of course, it’s always fun to watch Tyrese Gibson die. Unfortunately, the video is so busy with all this other shit, I have no idea what the song sounds like.

ISN’T IT IN HIS CONTRACT THE OTHER CORY HAS TO GO TOO?

Death keeps on keeping on into the New Year taking none other than Cory Haim, who honestly, should have been dead years ago. Two fun facts: he turned down Celebrity Rehab ten days before his death and was dating Daisy from Daisy of Love when he died. I guess she got tired of the drunk who won the show and wanted someone with a big boy addiction. Also from the youth of some of you is Andrew Koenig, who played “Boner” on Growing Pains and I never knew he was the son of Chekhov himself, Walter Koenig. But one death that does affect me was the loss of the bass player from Hall & Oates, Tom Wolk. That man’s work is all over my life.

HERE COMES THE RAIN AGAIN (AND I DON’T ANY NICE BOOTS)

Okay, what the fuck is up with the lack of stylish rain boots for men. I see women in amazing boots all the time when it rains, but men either don’t have them or have them in fucking black. Black!?! That’s it!?! Not even stylish black, but just basic, boring, like-I’m-working-in-a-toxic-clean-up black. Okay, Kenneth Cole makes a stylish pair in black for $99, but women are getting fucking Marc Jacobs for under $30 (yes, he makes them for men too, but when I called the Marc Jacob stores and they were out of my size, the fuckers). But that’s it? Two whole options in all of New York City!?! I can go into any cheap-ass second-rate shoe store in the city and find a variety of boots for women. Can’t do that for dudes. Where are my gay men rising up in the face of this crap!?! Don’t tell me you don’t care!

KATHRYN BIGELOW'S WIN CURES CANCER!

1. Alice in Wonderland/Touchstone Wknd/$116.1 Total/$ 116.1

2. Brooklyn’s Finest/ Wknd/$ 13.4 Total/$ 13.4

3. Shutter Island/Paramount Wknd/$ 13.2 Total/$ 95.8

4. Cop Out/Warner Wknd/$ 9.3 Total/$ 32.5

5. Avatar/Fox Wknd/$ 8.1 Total/$ 720.6

6. The Crazies/ Wknd/$ 7.1 Total/$ 27.5

7. Percy Jackson & Olympians/Fox Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 78.1

8. Valentine’s Day/WB Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 106.3

9. Crazy Heart/Fox Wknd/$ 3.3 Total/$ 29.5

10. Dear John/Screen Gems Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 76.6

I LOVE THE XTC SONG..THAT THEY DIDN’T USE FOR THIS

Alice in Wonderland opens at number one, thanks in no small part to inflated 3D prices, so let’s not kid ourselves that this is a straight up success. Based on both Alice In Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass, we see Alice as an unconventional young woman in very conventional turn of the century England. Her time in Wonderland is just something she believes are dreams she had as a child---until the white rabbit appears at her surprise engagement party (it’s a surprise to her that she has to get engaged) and she follows him back down into the world actually called Underland. Given it’s Tim Burton using Lewis Carroll, that it’s darkly beautiful goes without saying, but that’s all it is. A core of substance is decidedly missing. We’re told from the beginning that Alice is there to save Underland from the Red Queen who has decimated the place since seizing control from her sister, The White Queen. While reluctant heroes of prophecy are hardly unusual, it’s such a conventional story, you have to add something to it to make it interesting (can you say “The Matrix”). They don’t. In fact they take away from it by detailing exactly how Alice is going to win. She just has to follow the steps. The only interesting moment in terms of character is when she actually declares, “I make the path.” If only there’d been more of that, it might have been a better film, but Tim Burton has never, ever been about story. Not that Lewis Carroll’s books are big on it either, but you’d think he’d try to improve on that with something a little more than the most conventional “hero’s journey” story ever. They’d have been better off going the route of her time in Wonderland being a metaphor for her life in the real world, which they actually touch on, but only for use as a single visual gag.

SEE ME, BUT DON’T HEAR ME…

Brooklyn’s Finest opens at number two and I meant to see this, but opted for sleep instead because if I wanted to hear any dialogue, I’d have to catch the 10:00 am Sunday show. Oh, don’t pretend like you don’t know why. That Black people talk in movies is a given, but if it’s about Black people as well, you can just forget about it. Not to mention it’s set in fucking Brooklyn. That meant trying to see it in NYC would have been an exercise in futility. Hell, even in Alice In Wonderland there was a sista next to me who was heavily involved with what was happening to a 19^th Century English Blonde girl, so I don’t want to think about what was going on with Wesley Snipes and Don Cheadle in the Brooklyn projects.

ONE MORE TIME: FUCK YOU, SCORSESE

Shutter Island is down to number three. My concern is now in negative numbers.

BYE, BYE MISS AMERICAN PIE

Cop Out is down to number four and didn’t Sean William Scott have a decent hit in Role Models last year? Then why is he the third lead in this pile of crap? And the funny thing is the most successful member out of the American Pie main cast is Stifler. They all had their shot at the brass ring after the film made them hot, but all pissed it away. Yeah, Allyson Hannigan is on her second successful TV series, but never as the lead and theatrically you can forget it. And Mena Suvari went white hot with American Beauty, but likewise wasn’t able to build on it (she was a white girl with ass too soon). We’ll avoid discussing the sadness that is Tara Reid and Natasha Lyonne. And notice I said “main cast” because buried in that film is none other than John Cho who is now better known now as “Harold” of Harold and Kumar. No, he is not Sulu and that was not Star Trek, goddamnit!

YOU KNOW WHERE ALEC BALDWIN’S EX-WIFE WON HER OSCAR

Avatar is down to number five and did Hollywood ever give James Cameron the finger over this, which is odd given they sucked his dick mightily on Titanic which wasn’t as good as Avatar, while The Hurt Locker isn’t as good as L.A. Confidential.

LOTS OF PEOPLE FREE ON OSCAR NIGHT

The Crazies is down to number six, followed by Percy Jackson & The Olympians The Lightning Thief at number seven and Valentines Day at number eight.

TIME FOR THAT SEA HUNT MOVIE!

Crazy Heart is down to number nine, but thanks to the wins, should get a good bounce next week. Jeff Bridges is long overdue for this one and while it may be at the expense of others (like say Colin Firth) it’s par the course with these awards. At least it was for a good performance anyway like Denzel Washington and not a crap one like Paul Newman or Al Pacino.

RULING IN HELL

Finally, Dear John closes out the top ten to begin its run on Lifetime or Oxygen for the rest of eternity, where it should have been born, lived and died without the rest of us ever having known about it.

ANOTHER EXCUSE TO DRINK HEAVILY

Okay, so the Oscars have come and gone and this was actually one of the highest rated Oscars in five years. So much for mocking the Academy’s strategy of doubling the Best Picture nominations. Batman and Wall-E win in the end it seems….Okay, clearly the song and dance contingent aren’t going anywhere as Doogie Howser opens with a number that wasn’t nearly as funny as Hugh Jackman’s a year ago…Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin make a better team than anyone would expect---or maybe it was because I was already half a bottle of wine in before it even started. But clearly George Clooney has become the new Jack Nicholson; the studly superstar every man wants to be, but actually attractive. The joke with Alec Baldwin is funny because it’s true. Clooney’s career is what Baldwin’s should have been and was on the path to becoming before it collapsed in the late 90’s…the Best Supporting Actor category was pretty much a given and the gay German guy at the party reminds us that like the winner, Hitler was Austrian and not German. And after the party he invaded Poland…this bit with Cameron Diaz and Steve Carell is anything but funny and they probably should have gone with Jude Law. There was no doubt Up was going to win Best Animated Feature, but I’m super curious to see the Secret of Kells…Randy Newman is a plague on music and needs to be stopped. Thank god he lost to the infinitely more deserving T Bone Burnett. His name alone tells you he’s better…Best Original Screenplay was pretty much a given too and a sign of things to come that some Cameron backlash is in full swing, unlike The Hurt Locker backlash which has only been around for a few weeks, including ironically enough, some guy suing over the story saying the main character was based on him…I’m of the age where John Hughes meant a lot to me and apparently we’ve finally supplanted the baby boomers as he gets a death segment all to himself. Not bad for a man who only made three or four really good films. And Emilo Estevez is just a dickhead not to do this tribute. Granted no one on stage was even still talking to John Hughes when he died, but they all showed up. They even dug up Judd Nelson who clearly is preparing for a New Jack City sequel that only he knows about…the French guy behind the animated short winner is funnier than he has any right to be and should probably give lessons… I thought the joke of the Ben Stiller bit was that it was a bad idea. But, if you’ve only got three nominees for Best Makeup why are you even bothering!?! And how the fuck does someone win for fucking Vulcan ears!?! The look the same as they did forty years ago! That’s not Star Trek!!!...I was wrong about Adapted Screenplay and I should have known better. Precious wins and the guy who wins can barely believe it either…Lauren Bacall is a goddess so stand the fuck up and pay your respect. She’s from Brooklyn and might cut you…so Monique has decided it’s better to do what’s right over what’s popular. Was that before or after Charm School?...I made the mistake of listening to the gay guy for Costume Design over the surefire lock of a serious period piece in Young Victoria. When does a film like that ever lose even to something called Coco Before Chanel? It’s "before Chanel" so how good can the costumes be?...this horror movie montage is bullshit as is the statement that it hasn’t been to the Oscars since The Exorcist. What the fuck do you call Silence of the Lambs, which you show in your montage? They were more intent on showing you a big stars starting out (Kevin Bacon in Friday the 13^th, Johnny Depp in Nightmare on Elm Street) than doing a comprehensive look at a genre that more often than not pays the fucking bills and always has…The Hurt Locker wins for sound, Avatar for Cinematography and the death roll leaves out Farrah Fawcett for Brittany Murphy because of time constraints. Time constraints. This will become a joke when the dance routines for Best Score come up right afterwards… I only saw a Nightline story on The Cove two days ago, but knew that was going to win. Some closure for the man who trained Flipper…The Hurt Locker continues and the German guy led me wrong with choosing a German film about war for Best Foreign Film. And then he invaded Poland…Jeff Bridges gets the award he deserved years ago, Sandra Bullock gets an award she doesn’t deserve at all (but at least she seems to know it) and Kathryn Bigelow gets Best Director and Best Picture and apparently cures cancer the way some people are going on about it. Look, I know it’s important for a woman to win and for something not typically “feminine” but so many are projecting their own issues onto this it’s not even funny. The only people who don’t think James Cameron and Kathryn Bigelow are competing are James Cameron and Kathryn Bigelow. Sorry, but her win changes your lives about as much as Denzel Washington’s changed mine, which is to say not at all. And Kathryn Bigelow isn’t some outsider who made good. She played the mainstream, big budget Hollywood game with shit like Point Break, K-19 and Strange Days, with the help of then husband, James Cameron. Who, by the way, advised her to do The Hurt Locker. And his “defeat” leaves him with only two billion dollar films and a license to do any fucking thing he wants to. Kathryn Bigelow could get clearance to do Star Wars remake from Lucas himself and still have an uphill battle. In the immortal words of Jane Child, “Welcome to the real world.” At the end of the day, it’s an indie arthouse film that made good. And ask anyone in indie land how much clout that gets you in mainstream Hollywood. If her next movie isn’t about vampires in love she’s still going to have to get overseas funding. And there’s no Santa Claus either.

THE PAIN CABINET!

1. Shutter Island/Paramount Wknd/$ 22.2 Total/$ 75.1

2. Cop Out/Warner Wknd/$ 18.6 Total/$ 18.6

3. The Crazies/ Wknd/$ 16.5 Total/$ 16.5

4. Avatar/Fox Wknd/$ 14.0 Total/$ 706.9

5. Percy Jackson & Olympians/Fox Wknd/$ 9.8 Total/$ 71.2

6. Valentine’s Day/WB Wknd/$ 9.5 Total/$ 100.4

7. Dear John/Screen Gems Wknd/$ 5.0 Total/$ 72.6

8. The Wolfman/Universal Wknd/$ 4.1 Total/$ 57.9

9. The Tooth Fairy/Fox Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 53.9

10. Crazy Heart/Fox Wknd/$ 2.5 Total/$ 25.1

CONSISTENCY IS EASY FOR THE LAZY

Shutter Island holds the number one slot and I still don’t care.

THERE’S SOMETHING CALLED A STRAIGHT MAN

Cop Out opens at number two and this was directed by Kevin Smith who clearly bonded with Bruce Willis during Live Free or Die Hard but it’s not working out for either of them. That movie actually looked funnier than this one. This is clearly trying too hard. Bruce Willis has yet to learn the Robert DeNiro lesson: he’s funnier when he’s not trying to be. When he “plays” for comedy he goes over the top. They’d have been better off telling him that this was a straight cop movie. And a little Tracy Morgan goes a long way and I can barely take the 10-15 minutes I see of him each week on 30 Rock, so a full-length movie is simply not happening.

CRAZY FOR LIVING AND CRAZY FOR DYING

The Crazies opens at number three and this is a remake of a George Romero movie where a town gets infected by a biological weapon that turns them into homicidal maniacs and the military comes in to contain it. And by contain I means kill or capture---in that order. I don’t do the scary, but it’s rare I’m tempted this much because it’s got two actors I really like: Radha Mitchell and Timothy Olyphant. Olyphant is one of those actors who excels in playing bad guys with a little good in them or good guys with a little bad in them, from the drug dealer Katie Holmes makes out with in Go to Seth Bullock on Deadwood. In fact, Timothy Olyphant is borderline mancrush material, but just like I wouldn’t see Taye Diggs in House on Haunted Hill, I won’t see him here. I also refused to see Radha Mitchell in Silent Hill. Then again I refused to see her in Melinda and Melinda, but aren’t all Woody Allen’s later films horror movies?

ALL THAT’S MISSING IS AT LEAST ONE RAPPER-TURNED-ACTOR

Avatar continues to hang around at number four, followed by Percy Jackson & The Olympians at number five and this is truly is like a low-rent Harry Potter. While that had a list of top British film talent, this has well, these guys: Pierce Brosnan, Uma Thurman, Rosario Dawson, Steve Coogan, Catherine Keener, Kevin McKidd, Sean Bean and Joe Pantoliano. Pretty sure every single one of them has a kid they’re trying to please and an agent who convinced them that they were hopping on the next Harry Potter, lying like a good agent should.

A PORT IN A CAREER STORM

Speaking of all-star casts Valentine’s Day, down to number six, has a legit one and the equally crappy sequel already planned, New Year’s Eve, will probably have one as well. After all, this only cost $52M and has already made over $100M. It’s money in bank and definitely one in the “win” column for your client, should they be someone whose transition from the small screen to the big screen hasn’t taken off like he’d hoped (Topher Grace) or someone whose moment of being the “it” girl resulted in gossip headlines with her superstar boyfriend and not much else (Jessica Biel). But for some it must just be a cruel tease of the movie career they’ll never, ever have (Patrick Dempsey).

YOU KNOW HE WAS PISSED NOT TO GET MAMA MIA

Dear John is down to number seven and this is from director Lasse Hallstrom whose career I personally think peaked with Abba: The Movie. But I guess some of you prefer What’s Eating Gilbert Grape or The Cider House Rules, but don’t try to tell me Chocolat didn’t suck because it did.

THERE’S SOMETHING CALLED CAP WOLF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT

Tooth Fairy is down to number eight, followed by The Wolfman at number nine and this was directed by Joe Johnston who brought you such mediocrity as The Rocketeer, Jumanji, Jurassic Park III, and Hidalgo. He was also supposed to be doing Captain America, but rumor has it the disappointing return of The Wolfman has put that on hold. I hope this is true because his plans are filled with nothing but suck with Cap having angst and singing and dancing for the USO. Then there are the casting rumors, which involved everyone from John Krasinski to Chace Crawford. Sorry, but Captain America is not an Upper East Side pretty boy (he’s actually from the Lower East Side) and certainly not some goofy-looking sitcom muthafucka.

MORPHEUS FORBADE IT

Finally, Crazy Heart closes out the top ten at number ten and I’m on my third week of meaning to go see this but choosing instead to sleep. Gotta see it before the Oscars next week.

AND THE SEQUEL WILL “THE PAIN CABINET”

Speaking of the Oscars, I finally saw The Hurt Locker. Yeah, it was at home, but I have blu-ray so it was still tight and yes, it is good. Unfortunately, I saw it post-hype so I was expecting more than I got, but can see how it rocked the world of anyone who saw it previously. And if you’re putting off seeing it, let me remove the block that kept me away from it: it’s not about the war in Iraq. That’s just the setting. You could set this in any war or actually even in peacetime because what it’s really about is a danger junkie. And the movie tells you that from the quote at the beginning. This could be some new cop joining a precinct in a crime-filled area. Instead, it’s about a bomb tech joining a new crew in Iraq (and as we learn he comes there from Afghanistan). His reckless manner makes his crew so uneasy, at one point they contemplate killing him, but in one of the film’s best sequences, ultimately bond in a desert sniper duel (which has a surprise guest appearance by Ralph Fiennes, star of Bigelow’s Strange Days). But that’s just more fuel to the fire for him, so before the film’s end he literally leads them down into a dark alley of danger. But it’s the execution as much as the story if not more. Bigelow knows how to wring the tension out of a scene where you know the survival of no character is guaranteed. Granted some deaths are horribly predictable, but others are not. This when it helps that no one is a huge name. You know Johnny Depp and Tom Cruise will survive to see the final reel. Anthony Mackie and Jeremy Renner? Not so much.

MORE ABOUT COMICS THAN YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW

Also in my blu-ray player this weekend was Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths, the latest direct-to-video feature from DC Comics. It’s based in part on the Graphic Novel (aka, “big, overpriced comic book”) Earth Two by Grant Morrison, where the Justice League travels to a parallel earth where evil versions of themselves conduct a reign of terror and Luthor is the hero fighting for humanity. So instead of Superman you have Ultraman; instead of Batman you have Owlman and oddly Wonder Woman was Superwoman. As is the case in most things, the bad guys are infinitely more interesting. As usual, the animated features have a decent cast of celebrity voices, but one stands out this time. Now, if you were casting an evil Batman who would you choose? Maybe James Woods!?! Yes, James Woods is Owlman and it’s so awesome I kinda wish they’d done an entire feature on him. In the graphic novel Owlman is still Bruce Wayne, but on his world, his mother and brother were killed by a criminal and his father---Commissioner Thomas Wayne---failed to save him, to he tortures his father by becoming a supercriminal. We don’t get any of that here as this Owlman is an existentialist, but he thoroughly kicks Batman’s ass when they face off. And given that William Baldwin does Batman’s voice that outcome makes sense. The other standout is Superwoman, voiced by Gina Torres. In the graphic novel she was none other than Lois Lane, married to Clark Kent, but having an affair with Owlman. Here, there are no secret id’s but the Owlman relationship remains and she revels in her evil. When Batman comes over to her world, she delights in slowly trying to beat him to death---after kissing him. Also on hand is Mark Harmon in an almost minor role as Superman and Chris Noth as Lex Luthor, which is also, perfect casting.

TURN THE BEAT OFF

Yes, I will admit it: I tried to watch Turn The Beat Around, the made-for-MTV movie about a young dancer putting together a disco dance number for a new club. Emphasis on “tried.” It’s not that it was bad. I knew that going in. Hell, I made it through Center Stage 2, so that her mom was clearly a decade too young to have experienced the disco era didn’t bother me. No, what drove me off were the modern versions of old disco hits. They made my skin crawl and my ears bleed. Besides the biggest draw was the fact that Donna Summer’s daughter, Brooklyn Sudano (her father was one of the guys in Brooklyn Dreams who did the duet “Heaven Knows” with her mom), was in it. And yes, she plays “the bad girl” and at one point she actually dances for a few moments to “Bad Girls.” I knew it would never get more entertaining than that so I took my leave.

NOW I’M ONLY FIVE YEARS BEHIND

So I have a new computer. Well, not new, but new to me. I sold off my old powerbook on eBay for $200 and bought a “less old” one for $300. Of course it’s not me unless there’s a problem, so I basically put mine up for sale as soon as I’d bought the new one, not expecting anyone to buy it immediately, only they did which was a problem because I a) couldn’t ship it until I go the replacement and b) had to install all the software I promised would be there because I swapped out the drives and the new drive was blank. Now, I had the install disc, but it was scratched and didn’t work. So then began my search amongst my Apple friends to borrow an install disc and suddenly I was Sisyphus trying to push a boulder up a mountain. If someone had it, it was Snow Leopard, the upgrade and wouldn’t work for me. Back down the mountain. If someone had it, it was in Florida. Back down the mountain. It’s on Craig’s List for $50, but have to go to Carnsie to get it. Back down the mountain. Buy a bootleg, but he used cheap discs so it doesn’t work. Back down the mountain (but I got my money back). A friend has them, but they only work with the new machines. Back down the mountain. Finally a week later, I get a bootleg from a guy that actually works (he uses the better discs to violate copyright law) and I can finally ship out the computer to the poor woman whose reward for being prompt was waiting forever. My new-but-old computer is not only faster than my old, but also very, very pretty (the last one was a bit beat up) and the battery actually works. I may actually miss it when I sell it off for a better one in six months.

IT’S IMPORTANT. I SLEEP ALMOST FOUR HOURS A NIGHT IN IT.

I also finally got my duvet cover replacement. My old DKNY one developed a tear after a few years and while I got a black one from IKEA as a stopgap replacement, it hardly matches the color scheme I’m trying to work (red and gold, you know, like a turn-of-the-century whorehouse), so I bought a 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton one off eBay. I bought it in gold. The picture shows gold. What I got was…yellow. I wanted Grey Poupon and got French’s. Sigh. Well, at least it’s soft. And not black.

FOREVER IN YOU-KNOW-WHAT

I bought my first pair of jeans for 2010 courtesy of Old Navy’s $19.99 sale. That’s pretty much all a pair of jeans from Old Navy is worth so it’s perfect, but I swear it’s not going to be like last year where I bought a new pair each month for about eight months straight. Especially since cleaning up my closet revealed, not one but two pairs of Ralph Lauren Polo jeans and one pair of Kenneth Cole jeans. One pair was a gift from mom and dad who took a break from buying clothes a size too large for me to getting them too small. The other pair I put away because I felt I’d gotten fat for them, but I got into them pretty easily…as long as you don’t mind that muffin top. The Kenneth Cole jeans are just too nice for me. They fit fine. They’re just too nice for me and sit with a jacket that’s also too nice for me. Don’t ask why I do these things. I just do.