WHERE ARE MY RAIN BOOTS!?!

1. Alice in Wonderland/Touchstone Wknd/$ 62.0 Total/$ 208.6

2. Green Zone/Universal Wknd/$ 14.5 Total/$ 14.5

3. She’s Out of My League/Paramount Wknd/$ 9.6 Total/$ 9.6

4. Remember Me Wknd/$ 8.3 Total/$ 8.3

5. Shutter Island/Paramount Wknd/$ 8.1 Total/$ 108.0

6. Our Family Wedding/FoxSearchlight Wknd/$ 7.6 Total/$ 7.6

7. Avatar/Fox Wknd/$ 6.6 Total/$ 730.3

8. Brooklyn’s Finest/ Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 21.4

9. Cop Out/Warner Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 39.4

10. The Crazies/ Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 33.4

A VARIETY OF WOMEN FROM A TO B

Alice in Wonderland holds at number one and somewhere Lisa Marie is pissed beyond all belief, having been summarily replaced in all Tim Burton’s movies by Helena Bonham Carter. And wasn’t she in fact suing him over something? Hell, hath no fury… That she later wound up boning Jeff Goldblum suggests tall, lanky and funny looking is what she likes, but she’s still one of the reasons Burton is full of shit to me. All this bullshit about how he’s different and darker and he went from “model” to “actress.” Wow, that’s really unconventional, Tim. Never seen that before. You and George Clooney would have nothing to talk about. Not to mention he’s technically the boss on the set, so basically he’s banging his employees, which makes him like every other director in the history of film. And more than anything he destroyed my love of Helena Bonham Carter, who is a combination of The Red Queen and The Queen of Hearts in this. They’re two different characters in the books, but not so here. And while there’s a tiny bit of characterization suggesting that she’s not simply evil for the sake of it, it’s sacrificed so Johnny Depp can inexplicably speak in some odd Scottish brogue.

HOW THIS MISSED OLIVER STONE I’LL NEVER KNOW

The Green Zone opens at number two and for those of you disappointed with the lack of “good guys” and “bad guys” in The Hurt Locker or have been waiting for an action film that flat out says the war was bullshit, then here’s your movie. BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WILL PAUL GREENGRASS PLEASE USE A FUCKING TRIPOD!?! This shaky cam bullshit is working my last nerve. It’s okay in small doses, lending a certain gritty edge to films like this, but if I’m too busy dealing with my headache and nausea from said camerawork than watching, then whatever you hoped to accomplish is all for naught. The movie takes place just after the invasion of Iraq and Matt Damon is looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction and continuously coming up empty. He first questions the intel then joins a CIA agent (no, they don’t get the blame this time) and a journalist who once championed the idea in finding out why. This doesn’t sit too well with Pentagon official, Greg Kinnear, for reasons that aren’t difficult to imagine. Yeah, it’s not complex. People who serve in the field and noble and know best and problems always arise from people who sit far away in offices making life and death decisions. A horrible war was caused by a bunch of pencil pushers. If this is what you’re looking for but documentaries with no movie stars weren’t enough for you, your prayers have been answered. Ironically, despite such heavy themes, it’s like any action movie you’ve ever seen: great, so long as you don’t think about it too much, then it collapses in on itself, especially the ending which clearly took place in an alternative universe, as this was 2003 and we know how everything turns out.

A FUNNY UGLY GUY IS STILL UGLY

She’s Out of My League opens at number three and the hook of this is that we’re actually acknowledging that the male lead is vastly inferior to his love interest? As opposed to the literally hundreds of movies where we don’t? Movies that essentially make up the careers of Jack Nicholson, Dustin Hoffman, Nicholas Cage, Bill Murray and now Seth Rogan and Shia Lebeouf? This could be the subtitle for every single one of them from Candice Bergen to Katherine Heigl. And despite the title they still hedge their bets with a guy who’s actually kind of cute and with a girl who isn’t exactly Megan Fox. Honestly, I’ve seen this movie a hundred times but done with an actual plot beyond “She’s too pretty for him.”

SPOILERS ABOUT REMEMBER ME, YOU SONS OF BITCHES!!!

Don’t say I didn’t warn you… Speaking of equally attractive leads, Remember Me opens at number four and I was almost about to see this until I read about the bullshit ending. It’s a happy ending until the vampire pretty boy starts his new job…in the World Trade Center. What. The. Fuck? I’m sorry, but I have no time for that. What kind of talentless fucking hack thinks that’s clever!?! What kinds of idiots also like it and then give him money and then how in debt are the actors involved to take this fucking role!?! I k now you’re tired of the vampire shit, kid, but this was your best choice!?! I don’t hold 9/11 sacred and actually see its use in popular culture is a good sign, a sign of healing. After all, no one blinks about using Pearl Harbor or The Titanic for their stories, though they were horrible tragedies at the time. Know why? Because we’ve healed. No, what I hate about it is the sheer fucking laziness and lack of imagination it takes to do something like this. It’s why I hate Saving Private Ryan, because it’s filled with cheap-ass bullshit clichés made by people who lack the talent to create drama otherwise. Ooh, the solider who tried to show mercy gets killed. Oh, the Nazi that Tom Hanks set free comes back to kill him. Ooh, the guy who can’t kill then kills him. It’s also why I love that they let Natalie Portman live in the movie adaptation of Closer, because it’s just amateur hour to use the “…and then they died!” ending out of the blue. Just because you’re smarter than Alanis Morisette and actually know what “irony” means, doesn’t make you talented enough to use it properly in telling a story. Fuckwads.

AND DAWSON IS JUST FLAT OUT M.I.A.

Shutter Island is down to number five and is it just me or are you happy to see Michelle Williams working every time you see her? Yeah, I know they were apart when Heath Ledger died and he was spending time with skanks in SoHo, but you still feel for her. And she must drive Katie Holmes crazy. A better career in better projects and she didn’t have to sell her soul to get it. Yeah, she suffered in her own way, but she got public sympathy for it, while Holmes’ marriage to Tom Cruise is mocked on a daily basis.

TWICE AS UNINTERESTING

Our Family Wedding opens at number six and yes, on paper it seems like a good idea that if you appeal to two minority groups you don’t have to worry about anyone else, but this is clearly low-rent and you wonder why Oscar Winning Actor Forrest Whittaker is even here. And didn’t Ugly Betty do more for America Ferrara so she wouldn’t have to do stuff like this? And Carlos Mencia…well, clearly Paul Rodriquez and George Lopez said, “No.”

I BARELY WORK DURING THE WEEK AND YOU WANT ME ON THE WEEKENDS TOO?

Avatar is down to number seven, followed by Brooklyn’s Finest at number eight and my plans to see it this weekend were ruined by my freaking job of all things. But that’s okay. The longer it takes me to see it, the more dialogue I’ll probably be able to hear.

THE END

Cop Out is down to number nine with The Crazies closing out the top ten at number ten.

MY FAVORITE PORN STARS DON’T HAVE IMPLANTS

I’ve lived in New York for 25^th years and I have to say without a question, Lady GaGa’s “Telephone” video is one of the gayest things I’ve ever seen and last week I saw some guy with cut-off denim shorts with brightly colored knee socks. You know something is truly gay when it has half-naked women gyrating and all it does is confuse you because you know it’s not meant for your titillation, like say the other Beyonce/Lady GaGa “Telephone” video. All that ass-shaking was meant for me, not the boys in Chelsea. And yes, I did recognize two of the girls in the prison as being leeeetle bit porn-ish, but not so well as I knew them by name. Thankfully, the internet was more than willing to point it out to me at every given occasion (Jessica Drake and Alektra Blue). And color me impressed that Beyonce would be willing to return the video favor and be Lady GaGa’s lesbian girlfriend. Somewhere Madonna is pissed. And of course, it’s always fun to watch Tyrese Gibson die. Unfortunately, the video is so busy with all this other shit, I have no idea what the song sounds like.

ISN’T IT IN HIS CONTRACT THE OTHER CORY HAS TO GO TOO?

Death keeps on keeping on into the New Year taking none other than Cory Haim, who honestly, should have been dead years ago. Two fun facts: he turned down Celebrity Rehab ten days before his death and was dating Daisy from Daisy of Love when he died. I guess she got tired of the drunk who won the show and wanted someone with a big boy addiction. Also from the youth of some of you is Andrew Koenig, who played “Boner” on Growing Pains and I never knew he was the son of Chekhov himself, Walter Koenig. But one death that does affect me was the loss of the bass player from Hall & Oates, Tom Wolk. That man’s work is all over my life.

HERE COMES THE RAIN AGAIN (AND I DON’T ANY NICE BOOTS)

Okay, what the fuck is up with the lack of stylish rain boots for men. I see women in amazing boots all the time when it rains, but men either don’t have them or have them in fucking black. Black!?! That’s it!?! Not even stylish black, but just basic, boring, like-I’m-working-in-a-toxic-clean-up black. Okay, Kenneth Cole makes a stylish pair in black for $99, but women are getting fucking Marc Jacobs for under $30 (yes, he makes them for men too, but when I called the Marc Jacob stores and they were out of my size, the fuckers). But that’s it? Two whole options in all of New York City!?! I can go into any cheap-ass second-rate shoe store in the city and find a variety of boots for women. Can’t do that for dudes. Where are my gay men rising up in the face of this crap!?! Don’t tell me you don’t care!