THE PAIN CABINET!

1. Shutter Island/Paramount Wknd/$ 22.2 Total/$ 75.1

2. Cop Out/Warner Wknd/$ 18.6 Total/$ 18.6

3. The Crazies/ Wknd/$ 16.5 Total/$ 16.5

4. Avatar/Fox Wknd/$ 14.0 Total/$ 706.9

5. Percy Jackson & Olympians/Fox Wknd/$ 9.8 Total/$ 71.2

6. Valentine’s Day/WB Wknd/$ 9.5 Total/$ 100.4

7. Dear John/Screen Gems Wknd/$ 5.0 Total/$ 72.6

8. The Wolfman/Universal Wknd/$ 4.1 Total/$ 57.9

9. The Tooth Fairy/Fox Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 53.9

10. Crazy Heart/Fox Wknd/$ 2.5 Total/$ 25.1

CONSISTENCY IS EASY FOR THE LAZY

Shutter Island holds the number one slot and I still don’t care.

THERE’S SOMETHING CALLED A STRAIGHT MAN

Cop Out opens at number two and this was directed by Kevin Smith who clearly bonded with Bruce Willis during Live Free or Die Hard but it’s not working out for either of them. That movie actually looked funnier than this one. This is clearly trying too hard. Bruce Willis has yet to learn the Robert DeNiro lesson: he’s funnier when he’s not trying to be. When he “plays” for comedy he goes over the top. They’d have been better off telling him that this was a straight cop movie. And a little Tracy Morgan goes a long way and I can barely take the 10-15 minutes I see of him each week on 30 Rock, so a full-length movie is simply not happening.

CRAZY FOR LIVING AND CRAZY FOR DYING

The Crazies opens at number three and this is a remake of a George Romero movie where a town gets infected by a biological weapon that turns them into homicidal maniacs and the military comes in to contain it. And by contain I means kill or capture---in that order. I don’t do the scary, but it’s rare I’m tempted this much because it’s got two actors I really like: Radha Mitchell and Timothy Olyphant. Olyphant is one of those actors who excels in playing bad guys with a little good in them or good guys with a little bad in them, from the drug dealer Katie Holmes makes out with in Go to Seth Bullock on Deadwood. In fact, Timothy Olyphant is borderline mancrush material, but just like I wouldn’t see Taye Diggs in House on Haunted Hill, I won’t see him here. I also refused to see Radha Mitchell in Silent Hill. Then again I refused to see her in Melinda and Melinda, but aren’t all Woody Allen’s later films horror movies?

ALL THAT’S MISSING IS AT LEAST ONE RAPPER-TURNED-ACTOR

Avatar continues to hang around at number four, followed by Percy Jackson & The Olympians at number five and this is truly is like a low-rent Harry Potter. While that had a list of top British film talent, this has well, these guys: Pierce Brosnan, Uma Thurman, Rosario Dawson, Steve Coogan, Catherine Keener, Kevin McKidd, Sean Bean and Joe Pantoliano. Pretty sure every single one of them has a kid they’re trying to please and an agent who convinced them that they were hopping on the next Harry Potter, lying like a good agent should.

A PORT IN A CAREER STORM

Speaking of all-star casts Valentine’s Day, down to number six, has a legit one and the equally crappy sequel already planned, New Year’s Eve, will probably have one as well. After all, this only cost $52M and has already made over $100M. It’s money in bank and definitely one in the “win” column for your client, should they be someone whose transition from the small screen to the big screen hasn’t taken off like he’d hoped (Topher Grace) or someone whose moment of being the “it” girl resulted in gossip headlines with her superstar boyfriend and not much else (Jessica Biel). But for some it must just be a cruel tease of the movie career they’ll never, ever have (Patrick Dempsey).

YOU KNOW HE WAS PISSED NOT TO GET MAMA MIA

Dear John is down to number seven and this is from director Lasse Hallstrom whose career I personally think peaked with Abba: The Movie. But I guess some of you prefer What’s Eating Gilbert Grape or The Cider House Rules, but don’t try to tell me Chocolat didn’t suck because it did.

THERE’S SOMETHING CALLED CAP WOLF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT

Tooth Fairy is down to number eight, followed by The Wolfman at number nine and this was directed by Joe Johnston who brought you such mediocrity as The Rocketeer, Jumanji, Jurassic Park III, and Hidalgo. He was also supposed to be doing Captain America, but rumor has it the disappointing return of The Wolfman has put that on hold. I hope this is true because his plans are filled with nothing but suck with Cap having angst and singing and dancing for the USO. Then there are the casting rumors, which involved everyone from John Krasinski to Chace Crawford. Sorry, but Captain America is not an Upper East Side pretty boy (he’s actually from the Lower East Side) and certainly not some goofy-looking sitcom muthafucka.

MORPHEUS FORBADE IT

Finally, Crazy Heart closes out the top ten at number ten and I’m on my third week of meaning to go see this but choosing instead to sleep. Gotta see it before the Oscars next week.

AND THE SEQUEL WILL “THE PAIN CABINET”

Speaking of the Oscars, I finally saw The Hurt Locker. Yeah, it was at home, but I have blu-ray so it was still tight and yes, it is good. Unfortunately, I saw it post-hype so I was expecting more than I got, but can see how it rocked the world of anyone who saw it previously. And if you’re putting off seeing it, let me remove the block that kept me away from it: it’s not about the war in Iraq. That’s just the setting. You could set this in any war or actually even in peacetime because what it’s really about is a danger junkie. And the movie tells you that from the quote at the beginning. This could be some new cop joining a precinct in a crime-filled area. Instead, it’s about a bomb tech joining a new crew in Iraq (and as we learn he comes there from Afghanistan). His reckless manner makes his crew so uneasy, at one point they contemplate killing him, but in one of the film’s best sequences, ultimately bond in a desert sniper duel (which has a surprise guest appearance by Ralph Fiennes, star of Bigelow’s Strange Days). But that’s just more fuel to the fire for him, so before the film’s end he literally leads them down into a dark alley of danger. But it’s the execution as much as the story if not more. Bigelow knows how to wring the tension out of a scene where you know the survival of no character is guaranteed. Granted some deaths are horribly predictable, but others are not. This when it helps that no one is a huge name. You know Johnny Depp and Tom Cruise will survive to see the final reel. Anthony Mackie and Jeremy Renner? Not so much.

MORE ABOUT COMICS THAN YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW

Also in my blu-ray player this weekend was Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths, the latest direct-to-video feature from DC Comics. It’s based in part on the Graphic Novel (aka, “big, overpriced comic book”) Earth Two by Grant Morrison, where the Justice League travels to a parallel earth where evil versions of themselves conduct a reign of terror and Luthor is the hero fighting for humanity. So instead of Superman you have Ultraman; instead of Batman you have Owlman and oddly Wonder Woman was Superwoman. As is the case in most things, the bad guys are infinitely more interesting. As usual, the animated features have a decent cast of celebrity voices, but one stands out this time. Now, if you were casting an evil Batman who would you choose? Maybe James Woods!?! Yes, James Woods is Owlman and it’s so awesome I kinda wish they’d done an entire feature on him. In the graphic novel Owlman is still Bruce Wayne, but on his world, his mother and brother were killed by a criminal and his father---Commissioner Thomas Wayne---failed to save him, to he tortures his father by becoming a supercriminal. We don’t get any of that here as this Owlman is an existentialist, but he thoroughly kicks Batman’s ass when they face off. And given that William Baldwin does Batman’s voice that outcome makes sense. The other standout is Superwoman, voiced by Gina Torres. In the graphic novel she was none other than Lois Lane, married to Clark Kent, but having an affair with Owlman. Here, there are no secret id’s but the Owlman relationship remains and she revels in her evil. When Batman comes over to her world, she delights in slowly trying to beat him to death---after kissing him. Also on hand is Mark Harmon in an almost minor role as Superman and Chris Noth as Lex Luthor, which is also, perfect casting.

TURN THE BEAT OFF

Yes, I will admit it: I tried to watch Turn The Beat Around, the made-for-MTV movie about a young dancer putting together a disco dance number for a new club. Emphasis on “tried.” It’s not that it was bad. I knew that going in. Hell, I made it through Center Stage 2, so that her mom was clearly a decade too young to have experienced the disco era didn’t bother me. No, what drove me off were the modern versions of old disco hits. They made my skin crawl and my ears bleed. Besides the biggest draw was the fact that Donna Summer’s daughter, Brooklyn Sudano (her father was one of the guys in Brooklyn Dreams who did the duet “Heaven Knows” with her mom), was in it. And yes, she plays “the bad girl” and at one point she actually dances for a few moments to “Bad Girls.” I knew it would never get more entertaining than that so I took my leave.

NOW I’M ONLY FIVE YEARS BEHIND

So I have a new computer. Well, not new, but new to me. I sold off my old powerbook on eBay for $200 and bought a “less old” one for $300. Of course it’s not me unless there’s a problem, so I basically put mine up for sale as soon as I’d bought the new one, not expecting anyone to buy it immediately, only they did which was a problem because I a) couldn’t ship it until I go the replacement and b) had to install all the software I promised would be there because I swapped out the drives and the new drive was blank. Now, I had the install disc, but it was scratched and didn’t work. So then began my search amongst my Apple friends to borrow an install disc and suddenly I was Sisyphus trying to push a boulder up a mountain. If someone had it, it was Snow Leopard, the upgrade and wouldn’t work for me. Back down the mountain. If someone had it, it was in Florida. Back down the mountain. It’s on Craig’s List for $50, but have to go to Carnsie to get it. Back down the mountain. Buy a bootleg, but he used cheap discs so it doesn’t work. Back down the mountain (but I got my money back). A friend has them, but they only work with the new machines. Back down the mountain. Finally a week later, I get a bootleg from a guy that actually works (he uses the better discs to violate copyright law) and I can finally ship out the computer to the poor woman whose reward for being prompt was waiting forever. My new-but-old computer is not only faster than my old, but also very, very pretty (the last one was a bit beat up) and the battery actually works. I may actually miss it when I sell it off for a better one in six months.

IT’S IMPORTANT. I SLEEP ALMOST FOUR HOURS A NIGHT IN IT.

I also finally got my duvet cover replacement. My old DKNY one developed a tear after a few years and while I got a black one from IKEA as a stopgap replacement, it hardly matches the color scheme I’m trying to work (red and gold, you know, like a turn-of-the-century whorehouse), so I bought a 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton one off eBay. I bought it in gold. The picture shows gold. What I got was…yellow. I wanted Grey Poupon and got French’s. Sigh. Well, at least it’s soft. And not black.

FOREVER IN YOU-KNOW-WHAT

I bought my first pair of jeans for 2010 courtesy of Old Navy’s $19.99 sale. That’s pretty much all a pair of jeans from Old Navy is worth so it’s perfect, but I swear it’s not going to be like last year where I bought a new pair each month for about eight months straight. Especially since cleaning up my closet revealed, not one but two pairs of Ralph Lauren Polo jeans and one pair of Kenneth Cole jeans. One pair was a gift from mom and dad who took a break from buying clothes a size too large for me to getting them too small. The other pair I put away because I felt I’d gotten fat for them, but I got into them pretty easily…as long as you don’t mind that muffin top. The Kenneth Cole jeans are just too nice for me. They fit fine. They’re just too nice for me and sit with a jacket that’s also too nice for me. Don’t ask why I do these things. I just do.