GOOD COMRADES

1. Resident Evil: Extinction Wknd/$ 24.0 Total/$ 24.0
2. Good Luck Chuck/Lions Wknd/$ 14.0 Total/$ 14.0
3. The Brave One/Warner Wknd/$ 7.4 Total/$ 25.1
4. 3:10 To Yuma/Lions Gate Wknd/$ 6.4 Total/$ 37.9
5. Eastern Promises/Focus Wknd/$ 5.7 Total/$ 6.5
6. Sidney White/Universal Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 5.3
7. Mr. Woodcock/New Line Wknd/$ 5.0 Total/$ 15.7
8. Superbad/Sony Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 116.2
9. The Bourne Ultimatum/Universal Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 220.2
10. Dragon Wars/Free Wknd/$ 2.5 Total/$ 8.4

THIS IS PLANET EARTH! BOP-BOP-BOP-BA-BOP-BOP-BA-BOP!
Opening at number one is Resident Evil: Extinction and I was lured into the first Resident Evil by the prospect of a hot girl kicking ass in a tight red dress with a slit up the hip---only to be disappointed (Michelle Rodriquez kicks ass only to die in the end). They got me into the second one, Resident Evil: Apocalypse, with the lure of second hot girl in short skirt kicking ass. Again, disappointment as the actions scenes just sucked. And while the ads for this with a post-apocalyptic Vegas were interesting, they don’t up the hot girl kicking ass quotient and remain with only two (with no short or slit skirts) and this was not enough to overcome the first two disappointments (not to mention Mila’s other movie as a butt-kicking hot girl, Ultraviolet) so I didn’t give up 90 minutes of my life for it. I never played the Resident Evil games, but it really doesn’t matter, because the movies aren’t allowed to be too much like the game for fear of cannibalizing the audience---which is the dumbest goddamn thing I’ve ever heard of. That’s like saying if porn is too much like real sex, people won’t want to have any. This was directed by Russell Mulcahy, the auteur behind The Shadow and Highlander II, but if you’re of a certain age you know him as the director of none other than The Buggles “Video Killed The Radio Star”; Billy Joel’s “Allentown”; Culture Club’s “The War Song” and a number of Duran Duran videos including “Hungry Like the Wolf” and the epic, “Wild Boys.” But why I will forgive him for everything is that he directed Spandau Ballet’s “True.”

SOME THINGS EVEN A GREAT ASS CANNOT SAVE
Good Luck Chuck opens at number two and if there’s nothing else good to be said about this movie it’s that Dane Cook’s hot second is just about over, as this was originally a vehicle for him, but because Jessica Alba is a bigger star than the trailers were retooled to be about him dating a clumsy girl, when it’s actually about a guy who is cursed to sleep with a woman then have her marry the very next guy. This is great because every woman wants him, but the curse part shows up when he meets Jessica Alba and wants to keep her so he can never have sex with her. Again, this is why we should kill the marketing people even before the lawyers. The plot of the movie is so much more interesting than “Hey, the cute girl is clumsy” which is one of the oldest jokes in the book for the casting of beautiful women in comedies. Not to mention, it stinks of Jessica Alba trying too hard. Waaaay too hard. So hard it’s reeks of desperation and isn’t the least bit funny---much like Dane Cook himself. This movie looks so bad even Jessica Alba in panties was unappealing.

BAGGER VANCE II: THE REVENGE
The Brave One is down to number three and lack of realism aside, at least they didn’t pussy out in the name of political correctness and have a bunch of white guys be the criminals who assault her in Central Park. As Chris Rock once joked, in New York we all know if it’s a stupid brutal, random crime in a public place, it’s gonna be minorities; if it’s twisted or involves a lot of money (or both), it’s white people. In this case, Jodie Foster is beaten by a bunch of Puerto Ricans and when approached on the train, it’s a couple of black guys. However, when it comes to the guy who keeps a hooker in a car for a week, burning her with cigarettes or the rich guy who beats his wife, shoots her in the head and makes it look like suicide and plans on killing his stepdaughter because she saw it, well, you know they’re white. Ironically, having minorities as random violent criminals is now not much more of a cliché than the kindly black African neighbor woman (because not everyone from Africa is black, kids), who not only patches Jodie Foster up when she’s hurt in a vigilante killing, but also washes her the blood on the stairwell, then dispenses sage wisdom about the nature of mankind. Given that her experience comes from the killing fields of Africa, it might have been more interesting if she’d totally supported the need for bloody revenge and not been just another heartfelt negro.

FROM RUSSIA WITH BLOOD
3:10 To Yuma is down to number four, followed by Eastern Promises entering the top ten at number five and if you’re hoping for a gritty, Russian version of the Godfather from director David Cronenberg and his star Viggo Mortensen, look elsewhere. Surprisingly, it just doesn’t get dark or morally compromising enough. Mortensen is the gangster with a heart of gold and you just know he’s not going to go the Michael Corleone route and descend into depravity. Oh, they don’t shy away from the violence. In the first five minutes you get a pretty graphic throat cutting, then that man’s corpse gets its fingers severed. Then there’s the fight in the steam room. Did I say “fight?” Oh, I meant “naked fight.” Well Viggo is naked anyway. He’s taking a steam when the brothers of the throat-cut guy show up for revenge. It’s bloody and violent and peppered with the occasional shot of Mortensen’s dick and balls. Ostensibly, this film is about Naomi Watts, as Englishwoman of Russian descent who is drawn into this world when a 14-year-old girl dies in labor, leaving behind only a diary explaining how she wound up in London as a prostitute. The film stumbles almost immediately when Watts’s Russian uncle initially refuses to translate the diary and she has to go to the restaurant run by the mobster for a translation. I’m sorry, he’s the only fucking Russian she can go to for this? Someone of Russian descent and she only knows one person who reads Russian!?! If I needed a Russian diary translated, I’d have to walk about five blocks to get it done. And when you learn Watts had a miscarriage is the fate of the baby girl really a mystery? A better film would have had her be the “Kay” to Mortensen’s “Michael” joining him in his descent into hell for the promise of being a mother, but this is not that film.

THE NEW DWARVES: DATE RAPEY, BINGE DRINKY…
Sydney White opens at number six and this is a retelling of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves with “Sydney” White as a sorority girl who is helped by seven geeky frat guys. I must admit I think the premise is pretty cute, but that ends at the casting of Amanda Bynes, who just annoys me. I know she’s got a solid fanbase---otherwise she wouldn’t keep getting these starring vehicles---but I doubt if she appeals to anyone older than herself. It’s not that she simply isn’t pretty (she really isn’t), but neither is she all that interesting as an actor. Once again the cliché about talented people being messed up (Lindsay Lohan) and not-so-talented people being as dull as hell (Amanda) is given weight. But it’s not all her fault also . It’s the “talent” she works with. It’s sad with this director in particular, as he’s the man behind the minor geek classic short film, George Lucas In Love, which was a take off on Shakespeare in Love. Obviously it got him noticed, but so far that short remains the best thing he’s done, as his other work includes American Pie Presents The Naked Mile and Sleepover. Oh, yeah. He’s a whore.

CRUSIN’
Mr. Woodcock is down to number seven and everyone is cruising in this. Billy Bob as the crusty bastard, Sean William Scott as the hapless lead, Ethan Suplee as the slob pal and Amy Pohler as the sardonic blonde. Everybody needed to pay a car note that month.

THE BOURNE RETIREMENT
Superbad is down to number eight, followed by The Bourne Ultimatum on its eighth week. They are going to throw so much money at Matt Damon to make a fourth it’s not even funny though he has already dismissed it, joking that another at this point would be called “The Bourne Redundancy.” But he did say the character might have something more to say after maybe a decade. Um, follow your first instinct and walk away proud. You got three decent movies out of this. Quit while you’re ahead. Keanu Reeves was not so lucky, only getting one-and-a-half out of The Matrix and Ben Affleck’s attempt to follow Harrison Ford as Jack Ryan was DOA. Let me put it this way: without overseas profits, Live Free or Die Hard would have failed, ‘cause in America the return of John McClane wasn’t the event they’d hoped.

BEFORE PUBERTY, GIANT MONSTERS AND ROBOTS ARE YOUR PORN
Finally Dragon Wars closes out the top ten and if they had combined this with Transformers it would have been the greatest movie any 8-year-old would ever see in his life.

UPPER EAST SIDE STORY
The new fall season has begun and one of the most anticipated is Gossip Girl, based on a series of books and brought to life by the creator of The OC. Now, I never bothered with The O.C. mainly because of that fucking title. Also, I can’t get with any show where the romantic lead couple simply isn’t that attractive (sorry, but Mischa Barton looks kinda like a duck). Finally, I could give a shit about the lives of teenagers, because it just doesn’t matter. All the shit that seems like the end of world will be meaningless by the time you go to college. I guess it has to do with how attached you are to your college years. If you loved them or longed for a do over, you like this shit. If you wouldn’t go back for all the tea in China your time is spent elsewhere. I was a geek so take a guess how I feel? In any case, I have a weakness for movies and TV shows shot in New York. I’ll give you a try is you go that extra mile and film here. However, I’ll leave if you get wrong after that (can you say the shadows and fog of CSI New York?). This is definitely NYC and that much I really did enjoy. I even like the cast of pretty people, beginning with Blake Lively, who looks like Gwyneth Paltrow 2.0 and as her mom, my perennial favorite, Kelly Rutherford (remember her from the failed 80’s soap, Generations?). In fact, I prefer the adult cast (especially the has been rock star from the 90’s), which shows that they learned from The OC’s being praised for having an interesting adult cast to go along with their youthful one. And apparently the decadence of underage bar drinking, drug using fornicating Upper East Side rich kids isn’t far from the truth. Still, it kinda leaves me cold. I’ll stay a bit for the eye candy (and the kicking soundtrack), but if anyone thinks I’m missing the Grey’s Anatomy’s spin-off, Private Practice (with Taye Diggs) for this, they’d better think again.

CAN WE EVEN CALL IT CROOKLYN ANYMORE?
Did you know Fort Greene was now white? No wonder Spike Lee didn’t feel like a hypocrite to leave it for the Upper East Side, there were no bruthas and sistas to leave. Let me put it this way: I wound up out there last week for sushi and sitting in the restaurant with her husband and baby was none other than Felicity herself, Keri Russell. It doesn’t get much whiter than that. She was very pretty, but also very thin even after a baby and this is giving her a slightly “gaunt” look as she gets older. She needed to be at the nearby rib place (which was my first choice). This also lets you know just how expensive Manhattan is when only A-list celebs can live here. And her husband is a contractor, so you know he’s got connections, but they still had to go to Brooklyn. And don’t give me any shit about how great Brooklyn is. Yes, it’s very nice, but no one comes here from East Buttfuck, Ohio to live in Brooklyn. You settle for Brooklyn when you see the insanity of Manhattan real estate, but it was never part of the dream. Should I have asked her if she talks to Britney or Justin or Christina anymore since their time in the Mickey Mouse Club together? Betcha they’ve all got places in the city.

MS. 9MM

1. The Brave One/Warner Wknd/$ 14.0 Total/$ 14.0
2. 3:10 To Yuma/Lions Gate Wknd/$ 9.2 Total/$ 28.5
3. Mr. Woodcock/New Line Wknd/$ 9.1 Total/$ 9.1
4. Dragon Wars/Free Wknd/$ 5.4 Total/$ 5.4
5. Superbad/Sony Wknd/$ 5.2 Total/$ 111.3
6. Halloween/MGM Wknd/$ 5.0 Total/$ 51.3
7. The Bourne Ultimatum/Universal Wknd/$ 4.1 Total/$ 216.2
8. Balls of Fury/Rogue Wknd/$ 3.3 Total/$ 28.9
9. Rush Hour 3/New Line Wknd/$ 3.3 Total/$ 133.2
10. Mr. Bean’s Holiday/Universal Wknd/$ 2.7 Total/$ 28.5

MS. 9MM
The Brave One opens at number one and I cannot believe they didn’t have a better title than this. Seriously. This sounds like an indie film that’s a study in the emotions of someone who’s been the victim of a violent crime but we spend 99% of our time watching them smoke and cry, which is why indie films tend to suck like that. This is just as much about the shooting as the crying and smoking and needed a title that fit. Ms. 9MM? (If you don’t get that, then you missed one of the premier B-movies of the 80’s) In any case, Jodie Foster is the shit. She takes years off between films, but every time she returns, they open at number one, period. She’s also the queen of the “female action movie” and this is also par the course, though they aren’t as usually bang-bang as this one (the real “female action movie” is the “estro-thriller” and this isn’t about suspense they way they usually are). Jodie Foster and her fiancée are savagely beaten in one of the underpasses in Central Park. By the time she recovers and wakes up three weeks later, he’s already dead and buried. Unable to live with the fear she now suffers from, she heads out to buy a gun. She can’t get one immediately the way she wants, but this being New York, there just happens to be someone in the gun shop who can get one for her immediately. How this differs from Death Wish is that Jodie Foster doesn’t go looking for punks to kill. The first time she just happens to be at the deli when some guy shows up to murder his ex-wife and the second time she’s coming home from Brooklyn when punks mess with her, though in the second instance, she doesn’t leave when she can. Nope, she hangs around to put bullets in someone’s ass and the middle-aged woman sitting near me for the 11:00 am Saturday show, could not have been happier. Throughout all this, she struggles with her own trauma and guilt over what she’s become. Then there’s the mild flirtation with the very detective after her, played by Terrence Howard (because she’s already worked with Denzel and he’d never a supporting role anyway) who struggles with his own frustration with law and order. This movie reminded me of the new 3:10 To Yuma in that performances by the leads make up for the gaps in logic that appear regularly. First Jodie Foster heals pretty quickly from happens to her, needs no physical therapy from her brutal assault and isn’t advised to get some emotional therapy by the hospital. Also, she apparently only has one friend who gives up on her quickly. I know she has to be isolated, but even her fiancée’s mother never checks up on her! And there’s no media after her when she’s released, even when she starts talking about violence on her radio show. After her first shooting, they make a big deal about her stealing the surveillance tape, but apparently no cameras work in the subway or parking garage where she does her next few vigilante acts. Sorry, but in post-9/11 NYC, there are cameras every-freaking-where. Unless you take to the rooftops in cape & cowl, you’re going to be caught on tape. Then there’s a point of the forensic evidence, which is discussed by Terrence Howard, but apparently never touches her and she never leaves any (she’s injured at one point, but seemingly leaves no blood at the scene). Still, the performances are good, it’s fun to watch the assholes we hate in the city die and if you’ve got some Jodie lust, that leather jacket she’s rocking in the last half of the movie is gonna moisten some seats at Henrietta Hudson’s. Even Terrence Howard notices it, but it’s not meant for him or anyone with a penis.

HIS FAILURE TO BECOME A TEEN SENSATION DROVE HIM TO CRIME
3:10 To Yuma is down to number two and you can’t have a good western without a good bad guy and what kind of bad guy are you if you don’t have a gang and no gang is complete without a bloodthirsty second-in-command played here by…Ben Foster? Are you kidding me? Not only is it Ben Foster, but also he’s the guy in the poster. Yeah, that’s neither Christian Bale nor Russell Crowe. In that defense, Foster is wearing the best outfit in the movie. And as Christian Bale’s wife, is that…yes, I think it is! Vanity Fair-curse poster girl, Gretchen Mol! She’s the mother who doesn’t want killer Russell Crowe in her home, tells her kids not to talk to him, but later finds her self falling for his game, which you could see coming a mile away. It would have been more original for her to shut him down cold, but Crowe is a bigger star then Bale.

ONCE YOU’VE BEEN TO THE MOUNTAINTOP WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO DO?
Mr. Woodcock opens at number three and you could also call this “Bad Coach” and you’d never think Billy Bob Thornton once wrote and starred in edgy indie work like One False Move and Sling Blade. He’s decided to just go on cruise control and make money playing this same son-of-a-bitch character over and over again. Now it’s just a question of what other occupations he can slide this persona into. Ice Cream Man, Kindergarten Teacher, Social Worker, Couples Therapist…he could do this forever. But if I’d gotten to bone Angelina Jolie during her 20-something-bisexual-freaky-sexy prime, I’d lose the impulse to work hard too. I mean, that’s why men do things and once they have them, they kinda stop and their music/writing/acting turns to shit. So if you want great art from men, ladies. Stop sleeping with them. You have no idea how much this column would suck if I were getting laid.

STOP DRAGON MY HEART AROUND. YEAH, I WENT THERE.
Dragon Wars opens at number four and with a million “quality films” seemingly opening every week (this week alone it was The Brave One, Eastern Promises, Across The Universe, Great Wall of Sound, The Rape of Europa, Silk, December Boys, Ira & Abby and King of California) it solved the problem of which of them I’d see on Sunday morning: none. A 90-minute movie about the army fighting dragons in the middle of LA or one of the 120+ minute “Academy, look at me!” films? Yeah, you know how we do. But it was fun. This is actually a Korean film called D-War and I have to wonder if there’s a version of this with Korean actors in the starring roles. If not, why they hell do you make a movie with a bunch of B-list white actors? When Robert Forester is your biggest name… No one here is making $70M dollar movies with Korean actors. Not that it really matters, but there is an over-explanation of how two serpents are fighting to ascend and become real dragons. One is good and one I evil. Ascension comes from the life force of a special girl born once every 500 years. She’s guarded by two men: a master and his student. Of course, the student falls in love with the girl and rather than sacrifice her, they commit suicide, so everyone waits 500 years until the girl is reborn in LA. The student is reborn too as a reporter for CNN, I mean CGN as shown here. The old master however, is still around and kicking waiting for this. A good thing too, ‘cause the student is still a moron, and pretty much spends the movie not doing what he should and everything happens despite him. But who really cares? We’re here to see the monsters and when they attack in the middle of downtown LA it’s as much fun as when the same thing happens in Transformers and easier to comprehend, as sometimes I didn’t know what the hell I was looking at when the machines were fighting. Particularly thrilling to the 8-year-old inside me is the battle between the attack helicopters and the flying monsters that spit fire. Someone put serious work into that and it show. Also what I liked was that modern weapons put a hurtin’ on magical monsters, which you almost never get. Reign of Fire, that movie about dragons taking over the world sucked because you find out at the very freaking end that a big steel arrow can kill them, but someone the arsenal of the US military accomplished nothing? Here, bullets and rockets may not pierce scales, but they obviously hurt the big serpent and kill the smaller monsters. Too bad all the imagination and talent went to creating the monsters, because those moments in between with the people never stop sucking and I can’t get over how non-heroic the hero was. They should have watched the other Korean monster movie from this year to show you can still be flawed, but still be a hero.

SOMETIMES THE QUARTERBACK IS NICER THAN THE GEEK
Superbad is down to number five and not to harp on this, but it’s sad when you realize the women of the painfully inferior American Pie were better fleshed out, which is why they shared in the success of the film and these poor girls will not (a lack of nudity doesn’t help). It’s why you know who Tara Reid is, did more for Allyson Hannigan than seven seasons of Buffy, was part of a one-two punch with American Pie for Mena Suvari, gave Natasha Lyonne a shot at an indie movie career and why Shannon Elizabeth was oddly considered hot (it pains me still that she was put in a comic book where she was Iron Man’s date).

THE PRICE OF PROGRESS IS THAT NOW EVERYONE IS FREE TO SUCK OUT LOUD
Halloween is down to number six, followed by The Bourne Ultimatum at seven and Balls of Fury at number eight and also in this is George Lopez, who is a Mexican Tim Allen to me. An unfunny comedian who had a long-running show on ABC. If there’s one upside to racism, it means he’ll be prevented from spreading his evil on the big screen. Then again, it didn’t stop Eddie Griffin.

ONE MORE…
Speaking of unfunny minority comedians on the big screen. Rush Hour 3 is down to number nine.

MONTY PYTHON BEING THE WONDERFUL EXCEPTION TO THE RULE
Finally, Mr. Bean’s Holiday closes out the top ten at number ten. Recently, an Englishwoman tried to convince me that British comedy was funnier than American comedy. Given the fact that 90% of American comedy sucks and I’m sure the same holds for Brit TV (friends sucked as much as Coupling---which then gave way to an even worse American remake), and the obviously cultural differences (we seem to love humor based around getting hit in the nuts, while they remain obsessed with transvestites or the bum) the simple fact is….she’s just fucking wrong and this piece of crap is proof of it! USA! USA! USA!

AMERICA’S FAVORITE TRAINWRECK
Speaking of Tara Reid, how happy must she be knowing that Britney Spears is now the new standard of hot mess after taking the crown away from Tara Reid’s direct pupil, Lindsay Lohan. Yes, I did watch the MTV Video Awards, though I don’t know why. I’m 40. There is nothing about this show that is meant for me anymore. Though after reading some posting online, some twenty-somethings feel the same way (though it was the girls on Jezebel.com and those bitches hate everything). What is that bullshit of showing you hot bands rocking hotel suites then cutting away. Yeah, I understand you could go online, but I’m not online when I’m watching fucking television. It was the dumbest idea ever, though with some nice matches. Nothing hurt more than not being able to see the full performance of Fall Out Boy and Rhinanna doing her very 80’s pop rocker “Shut Up And Drive” (I like that song and not just because she’s got Captain America’s shield on her jacket in the video). Instead, we get a fucking eternity of Chris Brown, who is the answer to the question, “What if there was a second Usher, but with worse music and twice as annoying.” But the train wreck of Britney Spears cast a shadow over everything that followed. Did you even remember other people had performed until I just reminded you? It’s fitting she’s in Vegas. I mean, what screams Las Vegas more than southern superstar, now bloated and giving lame performances. Only it took Elvis 20 years to fall that far. Girlfriend did it in half that time. But her apologizing for it is bullshit. If she’d done a good show, you wouldn’t have been half as entertained and she sure has hell wouldn’t have been the top news item MTV needs to apologize for that whole goddamn show. Of course the irony is, as much as we love to tear people down, we love comebacks and underdogs. Besides, the song is currently rising up the charts, so she’s weeping all the way to the bank.

BACK TO “YOUNG GIRLS IN TROUBLE WITH EACH OTHER #7”
Since the 70’s there have always been directors talking about wanting to used actual sex in a movies, which to me is jus their way of getting more pussy in auditions, but I’m cynical that way. A few have tried to less-than-impressive results if not outright disasters. The problem is, sex pulls you out of a movie. Even if it’s something as simple as a bare ass or pair of breasts, you stop seeing that character and see that ass and those breasts. Now if you can’t get past a pair of tits, how are you supposed to work with an erect penis? This is the problem of Tell Me You Love Me, the new series on HBO. It’s three couples with the same therapist. You’ve got the young woman with the non-committal boyfriend and her own jealousy issues. You’ve got the married couple whose daughter has started menstruating at 10 and the husband would rather masturbate than have sex with his wife (who wants to ignore their daughter’s puberty). Then there’s the couple trying to have a baby and can’t which is pressuring their marriage. Finally, the therapist has apparently her own ghosts, but if you’re down for senior sex, it’s there. Again, if you can’t handle boobs, you gonna handle old boobs? And watching porn doesn’t make you more immune to this. In fact, it may make me less, because sex is supposed to be separate. There is no plot. There is no movie. Just a collection of sex scenes. So when the young couple starts having sex and I’m impressed by the realism of her grinding on him, I see his balls and I’m out of the show. Now I’m thinking about how they’re hiding his dick to shoot this, since they aren’t really having sex. The other sex scenes are typical Hollywood-over-in-thirty-seconds-with-no-sweat-or-puddle type of scenes---until the end. It’s the couple who can’t conceive and she’s found out that it’s not her, so when they’re at home on the couch, she decides to jerk him off, as if she could see what’s wrong with his junk (his baby batter, his Oil of Onan, his man-milk…). Enter the erect penis onscreen. Okay, it’s not a real penis, but still it’s disconcerting. Then she starts her handjob and I’m so out of this show I might as well be reading. Aside from the fact I’m watching this actress (the wife from Mind of the Married Man and was recently on Lost) jerk a fake dick, I’m thinking how he’s over acting because she just started and it’s not that good. Just a slightly rough up and down action (no lube, no corkscrew motion on the head, nothing), but he’s in ecstasy. Then he comes. And we see it. Yes, a cumshot on HBO. Again, I’m so out of this show I’m playing music in a club somewhere. All I can think of is how many takes that took. What if the director thought that was too much sperm? Maybe not enough? Who’s the guy who has to refill the fake sperm in the fake dick? Where are the “dick controllers” positioned on-set? Also, if that were real, he’d be pissed it got on that nice sweater of his, ‘cause it’s not coming out. This is why we can’t have hardcore sex in films, people. You’ll never get used to it, so you’ll forget the reason they’re fucking is to stop the aliens from taking over the planet. You’ll just think how Brad and Angelina actually have pretty ugly genitals for such pretty people.

JUST WAIT UNTIL NEXT YEAR
Yes, football season has started and yes, this will probably be a crap year for my Falcons, but I remain true! Losing Michael Vick hurt, but we went to the Super Bowl before he ever arrived and we’ll go back again one day without him. But I’m not going to defend him. Aside from dogfighting being disgusting and ghetto, this is America. You could kill people and get less shit than for killing dogs. If he didn’t know that then he deserves to be in jail for being so fucking stupid. Now if we can only get Joey Harrington to kill some cats. You don’t go to jail for that because cats suck, but it’s an excuse to get rid of him.

BECAUSE I LOVE IT THAT MUCH

Rmember that RAZR 2 commercial I was going on about? Well you can see the full, uncut version here. Her name is Nikolette Barabas and she's a Hungarian model and he's Matthew Mullins and he's an actor and a member of Sideswipe, a mixed martial arts, acrobatic, entertainment team. And we should really get together and pay them to have sex on film for our enjoyment. �

DICK GALORE

1. 3:10 To Yuma/Lions Gate Wknd/$ 14.1 Total/$ 14.1
2. Halloween/MGM Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 44.2
3. Superbad/Sony Wknd/$ 8.5 Total/$ 103.7
4. Balls of Fury/Rogue Wknd/$ 5.7 Total/$ 24.3
5. The Bourne Ultimatum/Universal Wknd/$ 5.5 Total/$ 210.1
6. Shoot ‘Em Up/New Line Wknd/$ 5.5 Total/$ 5.5
7. Rush Hour 3/New Line Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 129.2
8. Mr. Bean’s Holiday/Universal Wknd/$ 3.4 Total/$ 25.1
9. The Nanny Diaries/MGM Wknd/$ 3.3 Total/$ 21.0
10.Hairspray /New Line Wknd/$ 2.0 Total/$ 114.9

THEY MISSED THE 2:30 TO LOGIC
3:10 To Yuma opens at number one and this is a remake of a movie based on a short story by non other than Elmore Leonard and I can’t help but think it was dumbed down something fierce, because a lot of illogical crap happens in this movie that has you scratching your head. Basically what saves this are the performances of Russell Crowe and Christian Bale. The meat of the movie is watching them bounce off one another and others, including Peter Fonda, whose resemblance to his dad lends this whole shebang an air of Western authenticity. Christian Bale is a poor rancher who agrees to help escort vicious outlaw Russell Crowe to the 3:10 To Yuma because he needs the money to save his family. In addition to this, he’s got a son who’s ashamed of him (and enamored of outlaws) and he lost a foot in the Civil War. Because this is a modern western, both men are “complex” which means that your good guy isn’t perfect and your bad guy has some “depth” to his evil. In this case, Russell Crowe was abandoned when he was 8 by his mother and likes to sketch. Like I said, what carries the movie are the performances, because logic is violated on a regular basis. While escorting Crowe everyone is told not to talk to him, but of course they all do because no one has ever heard of a gag. Then there’s a mind-blowing stupid scene where Crowe’s gang---who is obviously trying to stop him from going to prison---is in a perfect position for no less than five good guys to just kill them all in two seconds, but they don’t. Instead we just get more talking. Apparently, someone didn’t tell the director that, while character is very, very good, westerns aren’t about “talking heads”; they’re fast guns with hopefully talking heads on top of them.

BACK PEDALLING AWAY AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE
Halloween is down to number two and I may have to give Rob Zombie a teeny bit of respect back as he says he will not only not be a part of any kind of Halloween sequel, but will never to a remake again. If only he’d had this burst of integrity before this. And is Malcolm McDowell the Anthony Perkins of Science Fiction/Fantasy/Horror. Is there no check he won’t turn down?

DWEEB TRIUMPHANT
Superbad is down to number three and if you haven’t seen this yet, tough. I’m going to spoil something. In the true tradition of teen sex comedies, the geekiest guy gets to nail the slutty girl. Of course, he only gets as far as “It’s in” before the cops break in, but like football, all you have to do is break “the plane” and you’ve scored. But what’s missing is that we don’t get a “day after” with McLovin’ the way we do with the other two. Not only did he get some from the hot slut, but his buddies the cops give him a great exit by taking him away in the squad car like he’s a badass. None of this matters unless people in school talk about it. But hey, this is what DVD is for, right?

THE PROBLEM WITH METHOD
Balls of Fury is down to number four and also in this is Jason Scott Lee, best known for playing Bruce Lee in the film Dragon and either this is part of the joke or he can’t let go, because he’s doing a dead on Bruce Lee here. A funnier movie would have just had him do a Bruce Lee parody. Oh, wait a funnier movie did: Kentucky Fried Movie.

THE SEQUEL: BANG, BANG, BABY
The Bourne Ultimatum is down to number five with Shoot ‘Em Up opening at number six and does anyone remember The Dark Brothers? Well, there was some controversy a few years ago, because one of them directed a Britney Spears video as The Dark Brothers were two guys from Princeton who made porn in the 80’s, with made titles like Let Me Tell Ya About White Chicks, New Wave Hookers and Black Throat (two of which starred none other than Traci Lords) but because they had an intellectual bent they pretty much made satirical versions of porn. How do you satirize something already ridiculous? You take it extremely over the top, which in their case meant EXTREME CLOSE UPS to the point where you couldn’t even tell if it was human genitalia and scripts so ridiculous the bad acting actually helped to make it funnier. Of course most people didn’t get it, but they loved the over-the-top graphic nature and this type of extreme close up took over porn. Shoot ‘Em Up is a similar type satire of action movies. It mocks all the conventions by taking them extremely over the top, from Clive Owen being your typical ex- super soldier, to campy one-liners after a kill, to Monica Bellucci as the hooker with a soft spot for him, to even the “hero gets tortured scene” but in this case, all ten fingers get broken and he still has to conduct a shoot-out! That’s the kind of exaggeration I’m talking about. It still could have used another pass in terms of the script, but it’s not bad, especially when it starts playing with the 2nd Amendment. I’m not kidding. The raison d’etre of any action is always guns, but in this case it’s literal. It’s the best moment of the film and includes a gunfight in free fall from a jet. If the entire movie had that same level of wit, it might have been a minor classic.

THE OTHERS
Rush Hour 3 is down to number seven, followed by Mr. Bean’s Holiday and The Nanny Diaries at number nine.

SHE ACTUALLY CAN’T AFFORD TO GET WAXED
Finally, Hairspray closes out the top ten at number ten as it sets off to live forever at slumber parties. Right now Disney is renegotiating with the pretty boy here from High School Musical and this moderate success isn’t going to make it any easier. Apparently he escaped the contract that his beard---I mean his girlfriend didn’t, because she had to “leak” a nude photo of herself to hopefully have Disney get rid of her. It was overkill, because a topless shot would have done it, but I understand them both. High School Musical has made Disney a mint. You think they’re sharing it with them? Hell no. If she’s locked into something, not only will she be unable to maybe do movies like this, but be paid shit. Oh, and kudos to seeing a young woman who actually had some pubic hair. Could the tide finally be turning?

IF YOU MENTION CHEESE, THERE HAD BETTER BE SOME FUCKING CHEESE
Two years ago at the Tribeca Film Festival there was a movie called I Want Someone To Eat Cheese With. Obviously, I wanted to see, but it was either conflicting with something more important (the Superman documentary) or was sold out. Well, two years later it found a distributor and I got my ass up early on a Sunday to see it (needed the day free to watch football) and I won’t need to sue. First of all, IT’S NOT ABOUT CHEESE! They’re lucky I didn’t demand my money back! Yeah, there’s a self-hating middle-aged fat guy, but the similarities with my life end there. It’s Chicago, not New York and he’s fat because he eats crap like Ho-Ho’s, not cheese. And he lives with his mom, while I have a common law wife. He’s also an actor, played by Jeff Garlin, best known as the agent on Curb Your Enthusiasm and there’s some of that type of humor here which annoys me, because I don’t like that type of “make an ass of yourself” of humor (hell, there are some episodes of Seinfeld that I can’t watch because of a watered down version of Larry David in George, you think I can take the pure form?). It’s about a somewhat talented actor in Chicago who is pretty much ruining his own life with his self-loathing and self-destructive habits, such as looking down on certain types of work and, of course, poor eating habits. A particular bone of contention is a remake of Marty for which he’s not even allowed to audition, though he’s pretty much living the character’s life (this point is driven home time and time again). The cruelest, funniest cut is that Aaron Carter gets the role with Gina Gershon as his mother and we get to see scene from the movie (Aaron Carter screaming about his fatness to a cleavage heavy Gina Gershon). Still, because this is a movie when goes to an ice cream parlor Sarah Silverman is working there and, of course, she wants to bone him. I don’t like Sarah Silverman either because I don’t find her schtick of saying the most offensive thing she can think of all that funny and I loves me some profane and vulgar women (by the way, thanks for keeping that side of yourselves undercover when you met my parents in the hospital; you know who you are). This is no exception here and I think it’s because the movie was probably improvised a lot, as every single actor is someone you’ve seen before and no doubt a personal friend of Garlin’s. Silverman’s role is essential just playing the hot (relatively) girl. It’s a step up for her and a wise move career-wise, but because she was allowed to be too much herself, she blurts out some line about “doing a hoagie” which essentially tit-fucking (never knew it had a name and that’s a bad one anyway). Then there’s a joke about being a crack whore, which ultimately undermines Garlin’s kindness at giving her a semi-seduction scene where she tries on lingerie and she gets to say the film’s title (it’s refers all they really want in the search for love). Oddly, Chicago mainstay, Bonnie Hunt also comes off hot (relatively) in this movie, as the prevailing love interest. Whoever decided to give her Kyra Sedgwick’s hair from The Closer should be given a pay raise.

THEY’LL NEVER CALL IT OCTOPUSSY
One of the advantages of living with a woman is that you can watch things you probably couldn’t watch with a dude, like Tim Gunn’s Guide To Style aka, the show Queer Eye For the Straight Girl tried to be but failed (because those Bravo dipshits set it in fucking LA with a different cast and for some reason brought in a lesbian because we all know how fashion conscious they are). But isn’t a gay guy telling a woman how to dress like 99% of fashion in general? It could also be “More Stylish Minorities Show Your Tight Asses How To Dress” because it’s not just a gay man, but also a black woman, in this case former model (I refuse to call her a supermodel, because she was never on the level of Cindy & Co.) Veronica Webb, best known for boning both Spike Lee and Robert DeNiro---and still failing in Hollywood! She was also a bad writer because some guy smartly realized, “Maybe if I tell her she’s got writing talent, she’ll fuck me.” Thank god that ended with her modeling career. The first thing they did right was getting someone not living in NYC. Yes, there are many people who dress horribly here, but still there’s an uncommon number of people who looked like they walked out of a fucking magazine without even trying, so it’s just not fair. But other than that, it’s the same as any other make over show, just this time it’s Tim Gunn, who, honestly carries more weight in his pinky than all the other shows combined (Chairman of the Fashion Department at Parsons and now working at Liz Claiborne as its Chief Creative Officer). Tim and Veronica show up, make bitchy comments about people shorter and less fabulous than they are, give them free shit form places they could never otherwise afford, the attention of people they’d never otherwise have access to and a few bon mots of how to dress as well as some saucer deep psycho-analysis and voila: another successful makeover. Yeah, they made her look better, but unfortunately she then looked ten years older. Correct me if I’m wrong, but if dressing like shit made you look ten years younger then the Jacquelyn Smith collection at K-Mart would drive Armani out of business. Now, I’m late the table on this, but I love Tim Gunn. I never watched Project Runway, because I could give a shit, but now I see why he was the star and eventual got his own show. And he and Veronica Webb look good together as girlfriends, all tall, lean and chic. They look like they should be on a poster for a very gay James Bond movie.

ONE STEP FORWARD…LITERALLY
So, I’m finally walking normal to the point where slow people are pissing me off again. Needless to say, this is when my doctor called to arrange my next angiogram to re-puncture my leg so we can start the recovery all over again. Yay. But if you’re looking for visible signs of my recent experience look no further than my head. This is the first full head of hair I’ve grown since the experience and there’s twice as much grey as there ever was. But it’s not like neat on the sides like Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four, just a million strands throughout my head. Well, if I’m like my mother’s father, at least I’ll get to keep it all pretty much for the rest of my life. But I can make this work for me. Maybe I can start getting some old folks discounts now.

IT’S WHY BRETT RATNER MAY LIVE FOREVER
We haven’t done the death roll for a while now but when Luciano Pavarotti goes down, we have to. That makes two out of the major music “they go in threes” rule as the first was legendary jazz drummer, Max Roach and the keyboardist for Edie Brickell & The New Bohemians is definitely not the third. Remember them? They ended when she married twice-her-age, Paul Simon and started cranking out his kids. She still makes music, but kinda in the way Bruce Springsteen’s wife still makes music. But their band continues with a new lead singer and given how pissed they were the record company decided to put her out front, they may not have missed her all that much. Anyway, this moron died because he was drunk and kicking on his neighbor’s door. Not good in a southern or western state where people have guns. Almost joining the list were Hulk Hogan’s ugly and stupid son, Nick, who was racing on the streets (after getting away with it twice before) and Owen Wilson, which you already know about. Who knew? All those times we just thought he was just Texas-laid back and stoned, he might have been depressed and on heroin. Now, I’m not a fan of the guy, but I don’t want him dead and unfortunately, I understand depression far too well---but there’s a shitload of difference between being depressed alone in a 1BR in New York City and being depressed with your face in Kate Hudson’s sweet buttcheeks in a Malibu beach house. Get your shit together, douchebag! You can get legal drugs while you’re in therapy. And some people are sending others in their place, as John Singleton accidentally killed a jaywalker. Then again, Death tends to want talented people and that ain’t him.

SCHILL ME!
So I love, love, love that Razor commercial with the hot couple fighting in the subway. She looks like a grown up Sofia Bush, the hot, little scratchy-voiced brunette from One Tree Hill whom apparently everyone loves from Nickelodeon kids to the people at Fashion Week. I get the kids and I’m a dirty old man, but why do those fashionista bitches like her? But what puts the icing on the cake of the spot is the use of Shiny Toy Guns, “Le Disko.” Good music, pretty people, some martial arts…the only thing that could make it better would be if they started eating cheese. Or fucking. Whatever your thing.

OH, THIS IS WHY THEY DO IT
So, I’m still without online access and hauling my precious baby out into the world, but research shows there are free hotspots out there----if you live in fucking Williamsburg. Okay, they’re in the city too, but nowhere near me because there are no colleges near me. The Apple stores have free bandwidth, so I’d take her to the movies with me and afterwards walk to the store and while I still despise having to go there and to Starbucks I’ve a new understanding of just why so many people do it: eye candy. See you may not know this, but there are some damned good looking people in NYC and they buy coffee and iPods. And while there was no eye candy at the midtown Apple store, the one in SoHo will kill you. Then there was the hot girl studying for the LSATs directly in my line of site at one of the many Starbucks. But none of this makes up for me having to wear pants.

RIBS

1. Halloween/MGM Wknd/$ 26.5 Total/$ 26.5
2. Superbad/Sony Wknd/$ 12.5 Total/$ 89.3
3. Balls of Fury/Rogue Wknd/$ 11.3 Total/$ 11.3
4. The Bourne Ultimatum/Universal Wknd/$ 10.3 Total/$ 199.7
5. Rush Hour 3/New Line Wknd/$ 8.6 Total/$ 120.4
6. Mr. Bean’s Holiday/Universal Wknd/$ 6.0 Total/$ 19.0
7. The Nanny Diaries/MGM Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 15.3
8. Death Sentence/Fox Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 4.2
9. WAR/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 4.1 Total/$ 17.0
10. Stardust/Paramount Wknd/$ 3.9 Total/$ 31.1


JUST DON’T TOUCH PROM NIGHT!
The Halloween remake opens at number one and you know you’re getting old when the culture of your youth is deemed “forgotten enough” to be remade. I was the generation of that big slasher phase that was kicked off by the original Halloween. This also began Jamie Lee Curtis’s reign as the 80’s screen queen, which was considered by some to be destiny as her mom was Janet Leigh, who was in the original slasher movie, Psycho---but unlike her mother, Jamie Lee lived to see the end of all her movies (except for The Fog, but she wasn’t the star). Now someone had the idea of remaking the granddaddy of teen-slasher pics as part of the new torture porn movement by none other than Rob Zombie himself. I always tended to separate Rob Zombie from the rest because, well, he calls himself Rob fuckin’ Zombie, so obviously the man has some sense of humor about himself, but it doesn’t seem to translate to this. His imagination pretty much stops at his name. He just wants a gory, high body count horror movie like all the rest. What’s weird is, didn’t they just wrap up the original, complete with Jamie Lee Curtis making an appearance? And Michele Williams back at her Dawson’s Creek peak? Busta Rhymes? Anyone remember? Anyone? Bueller? Oh, and did I mention I didn’t see this and never will, not because it’s scary, because Rob Zombie is too fucking incompetent for that, but because it’s stupid and I don’t like the torture porn. Next up in the recycling bin? Terror Train. I shit you not.

LIKE A CINEMATIC VERSION OF THE CLAP, IT SPREADS
Superbad is down to number two and by this time next summer, expect to be deluged by a half-dozen attempts to cash in on this. With a budget of $20M and a return of $90M everybody on board is getting cheese on their Whopper and now everyone else in town wants the same cheese. Just as Porky’s spawned a million teen sex comedies in the 80’s and American Pie did it again about a decade ago, this will give birth to a new run for all the new teenagers. You know what people tend to forget because it was sooo much better than everything around it? Risky Business. Style, wit and execution aside, it was a teen sex comedy. Horny teenage boy meets hooker and opens bordello to pay for wrecking dad’s Porsche? That ain’t Ibsen, kids. And it was one of two teen sex comedies Tom Cruise did. Can you name the other? Here’s a hint: his leading lady was Shelly Long. No, I am not kidding.

‘CAUSE TESTICLE JOKES ARE ALWAYS FUNNY. ALWAYS. YOU’LL SEE.
Balls of Fury opens at number three and it’s just a week of regurgitation, because this is a spoof of Enter The Dragon, much in the way of “Fist Full of Yen” in Kentucky Fried Movie. The difference is, a “Fist Full of Yen” was consistently funny, while Balls of Fury, runs out of gas much too quickly. The problem is they simply lack the skill to maintain this. If they cut this down to a 20-minute parody it would have been nothing short of brilliance. At this length, not so much. And it had so much going for it, from the absolute absurdity of underground ping-pong death matches to Christopher Walken as a Chinese crime lord (with no make-up and his “Noo Yawk” accent intact) but it lacks the necessary manic energy. Not to mention there are too few jokes to have so many fail. Something like this should have had five jokes going on at any one time. Your main joke, two minor jokes, one visual in the background and a follow-up to the main joke. I hate to formularize comedy that way, but when you look at the great ones, there is a rhythm there that doesn’t exist here. It’s sad when the most memorable thing about this film is that Maggie Q (playing a character named Maggie to show you the imagination present) apparently has a dragon tattoo on her upper thigh. It seems to be real, as it’s only accidentally shown and not part of the film at all. And for god’s sake get her a meal. Whomever though it would be a cheap thrill to stick her in a tank top and shorts needs to question his heterosexuality or the depth of his Asian fetish, as the only round thing on her body is her head. This is her third disappointment in becoming the next Asian Girl Of The Moment (neither Mission Impossible 3 nor Live Free or Die Hard did as well as hoped). Pretty soon, she’ll be doing direct to video vampire lesbian movies like Lucy Liu. Which reminds me I need to rent that. It’s not really a vampire lesbian movie, but she does have a bloody, nude, semi-sex scene with Carla Gugino, which was released online to stimulate interest in the movie. It didn’t work, but I likes me some Carla.

RUMORS OF HIS DEATH AND SLIMNESS WERE GREATLY EXAGGERATED
The Bourne Ultimatum is down to number four, followed by Rush Hour 3 at number five and between it and War, John Lone has two films in the top ten---which is funny because I could have sworn he died a year or so ago. I think I even said so here. Ooops. Well, he’s alive and well and making movies where guys kick each other in the head and it apparently pays well, because he hasn’t missed any meals.

KEVIN BACON TO BRUCE LEE…GO!
Mr. Bean’s Holiday is down to number six, followed by The Nanny Diaries at number seven and opening at number eight is Death Sentence, from the man who brought you Saw. Yeah, someone sees the writing on the wall of the future of torture porn horror and is trying to branch out. If you think this smells of Death Wish, it’s not just you. This is actually based on a book by the author of Death Wish, who knew which side his bread was buttered on. It’s the same as every revenge movie you’ve ever seen: loved one killed, formerly mild-mannered person becomes killing machine. Hell, you’re going to see it again in a few weeks from Jodie Foster, though probably superior as it has a real director in Neil Jordan. While I’m no snob when it comes to a good revenge movie, this looks like anything but and only adds to the great Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, because not only is the ubiquitous John Goodman in it which opens up thousands of other possibilities, but Aisha Tyler, who is also in Balls of Fury, which now connects him to the entire Hong Kong film industry.

OH WE FORGOT FUNNY ANTI-STEREOTYPE ROLE WHICH ISN’T FUNNY
WAR is down to number nine and you gotta pity your average Asian actor struggling to make it. You don’t want to play into stereotypes, but when a job comes up, you gotta take it ‘cause rent has to be paid. So your sad choices in this world are Balls of Fury, which is at least supposed to be a joke, or WAR where you have to keep a straight face onset, and I bring this up because you will see familiar faces in the cast. A lot of “Hey, didn’t he play the Overbearing Father To Daughter In Love With A White Guy/Crime Lord/Crime Lord’s Assistant/Head of Electronics Corporation/Crime Lab Guy?” Though in this particular case in a rare turn in form, Hiro Kanagawa, who plays a crime lord’s assistant here, actually played the principal of Smallville High for a while on TV. I’m sure he hated being killed off, because it sent him back to this kind of work. At least he had an exit. The old black guy they replaced him with (again, you’d know him if you saw him, because all he plays is The Old Black Guy) just kinda disappeared. But someone getting a quick, hard dose of ethnic movie reality is Devon Aoki, who plays the Japanese Crime Lord’s Daughter (I think she shares one whole scene with Jet Li and none with Jason Statham). Get used it, baby. Ain’t much else here for you. I almost feel bad for her, because she was spoiled getting to play French in D.E.B.S. and even her role as a hot girl driver in 2 Fast 2 Furious wasn’t about race. But coming from money, she really doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to. I know she’s a model too, but I’m still thinking that’s a joke just like the career of Audrey Quock. Why are all the Asian models in high fashion ugly? Is there some genetic curse that says once they break 5’7” they have to give up the looks?

STILL SUCKING TO BE ME…AN ONGOING SERIES
So the last of the meds were on Tuesday, which was just in time for the Labor Day weekend and in theory, this meant me in margaritaville from Friday afternoon until Sunday night, with Monday to recover. Unfortunately, it didn’t work that way because on the last two days of my anti-seizure meds, I suddenly felt lightheaded the way I hadn’t for a while. Now the problems is, drinking also creates its own feeling of light-headedness and vertigo, albeit a much more pleasurable one, but if I’m still getting these moments I can’t imagine they’d combine well with an artificially created one. Oh, and I have this vision of tequila reaching my brain and killing me. They stopped as quickly as they came and yeah, maybe they were related to being up until four in the morning and not eating breakfast, but I’m a little freaked and am going to stay that way.

BABYBACK MY ASS, I WANT THAT ADULT PIG!
So, I think we may have finally solved the issue of keeping off those remaining ten pounds: ribs. See, when I saw Manda Bala they had a scene with churroscuro. which made me want barbeque. There’s a place called Daisy Mae on 11th Ave, which I’ve walked by for years on my way to the gym ever since it opened just up the street from H&H. I’ve never been because when it first opened it had ridiculously short hours, so dinner was impossible, but now with a little success they are open later. And it is not a good thing. I’ve eaten there three times in less than a week. Bear in mind, every portion lasts me two days! I’ve had the sweet & sticky ribs, the dry rub ribs and the jumbo rib. And if you’re giggling at the names of “sweet & sticky” “dry rub” and “jumbo” then you need to grow up. And after you grow up, haul your ass over there and get us some ribs. Get the “plate” which comes with two sides and I want the cream corn with cheddar and the spicy cornbread (which isn’t spicy but sweet). Oh, and even when I briefly felt nauseous the next day from eating one, I still finished off the leftovers that night. Yep, we’re going to lose sight of our feet again any day now.

THE EVIL ONE’S FAVORITE CARTOON
So, the new Flash Gordon series sucks ass, but it reminded me that I do like Flash Gordon so I looked for other, better sources. Now the movie still sucks. Despite a great set design and good supporting actors (Topol, Max Van Sydow, Christopher Plummer, Brian Blessed and Timothy Dalton), it was a boring as this show. They’ve yet to truly package the original series so what’s left are the original print comics (good luck finding Vol. 1 of the recent reprints) and the 1979 series from Filmation. It was the result of a made-for-TV animated movie that Pauline Kael just loved, notable for using a great deal of rotoscoping, which is filming people or objects and then drawing over them. It did well so they made it into a series using the movie to make up the first four episodes. Because growing up in Georgia occasionally sucked ass, my local NBC affiliate decided not to run it, so I never fucking saw the show. Until now. Last year the entire series was put on DVD. I bought it off eBay and that’s how I spent my Labor Day weekend. Gettin’ my geek on with the reason Star Wars existed (George Lucas tried to get the rights and when he couldn’t, he created Star Wars). Because it was late 70’s and before Korean slave labor, there’s a noticeable cheapness to it. A lot of the action is implied rather than shown. You’ll see Flash charge at a bad guy and then see the bad guy on the ground but miss the fight. It’s actually funny after awhile. There’s also how a lot of what went into this from the voices used to the designs were later used in He-Man (it’s noted in the DVD extras). But what makes this better than pretty much every other version of Flash Gordon is that the executive producer loved Flash Gordon. He wasn’t just some guy trying to cash in on Star Wars by digging up one of the original space heroes. He was intent on adapting the original series as best he could with what he had and there are even instances when you see the style of Alex Raymond’s original artwork. But obviously two things he couldn’t do were the racism of the original (it’s not “Ming” for nothing as both Buck Rogers and Flash Gordon were created during the “yellow peril” period in America when for some reason they were terrified of Asians) and all the S&M. No, I’m not kidding. If you took out every scene of someone being beating whipped or flogged, you’d lose a third of the series. Especially the girl-on-girl flogging.

WHY PAY FOR THEATER?
There are good and bad things about living in a neighborhood that has essentially become Upper Chelsea. The bad thing, as for any straight male in a predominantly gay neighborhood (gay male, I should say which now makes me wonder where the lesbians live), is that you’re always one of the fattest, poorly dressed guys around, because everyone else is sporting a six pack and looking like he’s got a personal dresser. Where once groups of young men might stand on a corner and snort derisively “Queer” whenever the unfortunate member of the minority walked by, now you’ll get an equally contemptuous, “Breeder” under someone’s breath as his pals snicker. But the upside is the free entertainment in the streets. At any given time you can find yourself walking along and suddenly hear a group of men singing Whitney Houston’s “So Emotional” in perfect harmony without even trying (yes, it happened). And if you’re walking along and you think you hear a bunch of young black women singing some dance tune you’ve never heard or---again, in perfect harmony---it’s actually two gay guys sharing an iPod (yes, that happened too).

THIS IS WHY IT’S OKAY TO STEAL CABLE; THEY SUCK
If you’re wondering why this is late, it’s not because I had a busy weekend (if you know me, you realize how impossible that is), but because I have no internet connection, thank you very fucking much Time Warner Cable. And I won’t have it again until the technician comes by on Wednesday, so I’ve been forced to join the hipsters by taking my powerbook out to fucking Starbucks (my Jennifer, she doesn’t like to leave home). Yes, it sucks as much as I imagined. First of all, this isn’t fucking Seattle; broadband is not free. You pay. Secondly, they play whatever fucking CD they’re pushing so you’re trapped with that shit. And finally, there are people there and you how I feel about people. Especially people who feel the need to go to Starbucks with their fucking computers! Why!?! You can’t even porn surf there! And writing this with my pants on is more difficult than you think. The keys to good rants have always been booze and freely breathing balls. The booze is gone. Imprison my nuts and I might as well stop writing this thing.