BLUE EYES

1. Eagle Eye/Par-DW Wknd/$ 29.2 Total/$ 29.2
2. Nights In Rodanthe/Warner Wknd/$ 13.6 Total/$ 13.6
3. Lakeview Terrace/Screen Gems Wknd/$ 7.0 Total/$ 25.7
4. Fireproof/Gold Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 6.5
5. Burn After Reading/Focus Wknd/$ 6.2 Total/$ 45.5
6. Igor/MGM Wknd/$ 5.5 Total/$ 14.3
7. Righteous Kill/ Wknd/$ 3.8 Total/$ 34.8
8. My Best Friend’s Girl/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 3.8 Total/$ 14.5
9. Miracle At St. Anna/Touchstone Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 3.5
10. The Family That Preys/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 3.2 Total/$ 32.8

I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE, HOT SHICKSAS EVERYWHERE
Eagle Eye opens at number one and I almost saw this mainly because of Michelle Monaghan, who is pretty much the Lara Flynn Boyle of the new millennium, minus the eating disorder and daddy issues. What stopped me? 118 minutes. This is a stupid movie from almost the first frame of the trailer and so has no business being almost two hours long. Two hours gives you too much time to realize just how stupid a stupid movie is, starting with a super secret organization being able to slam a crane into a building then send a message over a giant teletype on a building. Unless the fucking city was empty, then someone else saw the message, which immediately clears Shia LeBeouf, but I’m sure in this movie, no one saw the message so he remains a suspect. Then there’s the whole slamming a crane into a building thing. You’re hardly a secret bad guy organization when you’re doing over-the-top shit like that. My other reason not to see it was, of course, Shia Lebouf. I overlooked him in Transformers because I was there to watch giant robots fight. I overlooked him in Indiana Jones because I was there to see, well, Indiana Jones. Here, he’s the main star and Michelle Monaghan or no, I just cannot stomach that. Not since Skeet Ulrich has a young leading man left me so utterly cold towards a concept I might otherwise tolerate. And god knows I don’t want to see him kiss Michelle Monaghan. But you know who’s the executive producer on this, right? Steven Spielberg, who will never stop trying to make a geeky Jewish kid into a leading man (who doesn’t kiss Jewish women).

BETTER TO END ON MUST LOVE DOGS
Nights in Rodanthe opens at number two and while normally I’d be all over a reunion of Richard Gere and Diane Lane (pretty people together; this is what the fuck I’m paying for), two words stopped me dead in my tracks: Nicholas Sparks. This ridiculous hack and his drippy novels have infected the big screen like a venereal disease. That he wrote it utterly killed my enthusiasm. First of all, you know someone’s got to die. That’s a given. And they pretty much give this away in the trailer, so the incompetence began with the written word and continued on to the creation of the promotional campaign. And worst yet, it’s the straw that broke the back of Diana Lane who is sick of playing nice girls and has more or less announced her retirement after playing it again here. Apparently, like the viewing public she’s forgotten about a little film released earlier this year called Jumper, where she was the bad guy. And given that Jumper wound up with a $222M worldwide gross, a sequel has been announced so maybe the idea of hunting down Hayden Christensen will keep her working.

REMEMBER THE DUDE FROM SAVE THE LAST DANCE? ME EITHER.
Speaking of hunting down Hayden Christensen, Samuel L. Jackson was the person doing it in Jumper and his latest, Lakeview Terrace, is now down to number three. Also in this is Kerry Washington who will always have a special place in my heart for her “sista girl” portrayal in Save The Last Dance and if you’re a black actor who wants an Oscar, she’s your girl, as she’s been the female lead in both Ray and The Last King of Scotland. Terrence Howard and Don Cheadle should be calling her daily.

BUT NOT MORONPROOF
Fireproof opens at number four and this is a “God doesn’t want you to get divorced” movie starring none other than Kirk Cameron, who will not kiss any woman other than his wife, so for the kissing scene they had to dress her up like the actress and shoot the scene so that her identity could be hidden. Yeah, he’s crazy. Ironically, I believe this is one of the movies they make you watch in hell. Call me crazy, but if you can only save your marriage through a mutual love of Christ and not a love of each other, then that marriage is just about done. It’s like me maintaining a relationship based on a mutual love of cheese. “I hate the way you brush your teeth, but you know how to pick a good gouda, so let’s have kids.”

ANOTHER WHO’D BE BETTER OFF WITH MUST LOVE DOGS…
Burn After Reading is down to number five, followed by Igor at number six and once again let’s count the falling stars doing voices in an animated movie for a quick boost or an easy paycheck: John Cusack, Molly Shannon, Steve Buscemi, John Cleese, Eddie Izzard, Sean Hayes (Jack from Will & Grace), Arsenio Hall and Christian Slater. Yeah, I thought Arsenio Hall was dead too.

IT’S EVERYONE’S FAULT BUT MINE
Righteous Kill is down to number seven and also in this is Donnie Wahlberg and how much do I hate myself for liking the New Kids on the Block song “Single”? I’m crediting Polo Da Don, the man behind Fergie’s “London Bridge” and “Glamorous” for it, since this is his tune. Having Ne-Yo on it doesn’t hurt. And I give them credit for dressing like men in the video and not trying to dress whatever the hip kids are wearing, because a bunch of guys in their 30’s trying to wear white belts and skinny jeans would have been sad (just ask New Edition who tried to look hip on their last disappointing album, when twenty years ago for their best, most successful album they all wore suits on the cover). After a certain point in your life, the best thing a man can wear is a suit, especially a nice one. But when did the little one turn into a little Hugh Grant clone?

NOT THAT YOU NEED ANOTHER REASON
My Best Friend’s Girl is down to number eight and if you need another reason this film sucks aside from the big three, it was directed by Howard Deutch, whom I remember as part of the downfall of John Hughes. It was his direction of Pretty in Pink that was the beginning of the end. After that he did Some Kind of Wonderful. Other notches in his bedpost include Grumpier Old Men, The Odd Couple II and The Whole Ten yards, showing if you want a crappy sequel, he’s the man to go to.

SOMEWHERE CLINT EASTWOOD IS LAUGHING
Miracle At St. Anna opens at number nine and I was actually making plans to get up early to go see this when the little old man who lives in my finally spoke up and said, “What the fuck are you doing? Spike Lee directed this and it’s almost three hours long. Spike Lee could share every interesting thought in his head and it wouldn’t take more than twenty minutes.” And he was right. The last thing this world needs is a three-hour movie about Black soldiers in World War II from Spike Lee, because you know he throws in a lot of unnecessary shit. Now, the world does need a movie about Black soldiers in World War II just as it needs a movie about the Japanese American soldiers in World War II, but it seriously doesn’t need them to either bad or preachy, because it pretty much insures that one will be the last. You can only hope HBO will eventually get around to it and that they will be directed by who can spell subtlety. I mean, Spike Lee needs someone to hold him back, but he’s still better than say, Tyler Perry, whose The Family That Preys closes out the top ten at number ten. Not only would it have been awful in his hands, but one of the soldiers would strangely have been a dude in drag.

WHY DIDN’T THEY JUST CALL IT “BRAINS”?
New shows continue to start and The Mentalist has potential based purely on the charm of Simon Baker as man whose ability to observe and process information puts him on a Sherlock Holmes level of deductive skill. He also revels in saying inappropriate things based on the information he’s garnered. Yes, they burden the show with what has become the biggest cliché on cop shows---an ongoing sub-plot about a serial killer---and they don’t even pretend to connected with any sort reality regarding law enforcement, but like Bones it rides on the charm of the people involved. I find Jay Mohr to be charm free, so for him to be the sympathetic protagonist of Gary Unmarried is an exercise in futility. He was never better than as an obnoxious movie executive in Action. You know the routine Jeremy Piven does as Ari on entourage every week that wins him Emmys? Jay Mohr did it first on Action.

ROCK IS DEAD
Sad but true: every Chris Rock special is less funny than the one before it. The first, Bring The Pain, was great. The second, Bigger & Blacker, may have been both, but one thing it was not was funnier. Now, Kill The Messenger shows that was not just a fluke. The only thing more shocking than a Black man running for president with no David Chapelle at all, is that Chris Rock couldn’t do more with that. After starting strong, the show quickly goes to hell with a long, unfunny routine about the word “faggot” where he showed an uncommon lack of empathy. That it never crossed his mind that “faggot” was for gay men what “nigger” is for Black people was as disappointing as hell. There’s also an unfunny bit about the word “nigger”, which makes no sense given that Chris Rock had actually stopped using it until David Chapelle did so without apology and became the biggest comedian working. Let me put it this way: D.L. Hughley does a better routine about it. Finally, he falters where he has for the last few years: jokes about relationships. Just get a divorce already. Seriously. Every show has some bit about how women make life hell, especially Black women. He made it work the first time, but since then it’s just been unfunny complaining. A promising bit about how Michelle Obama would make a bad First Lady because Black women won’t stay and in the background or play nice is lost to him ranting about Black women being pushy and leads to another unfunny bit about what is obviously his unfulfilled desire to date a White woman. Just get the divorce and do it. In this land of Obama-mania there are more White women ready to bone a brutha for political reasons since the 60’s, so you won’t be alone very long. I mean, you gave your marriage a good try. Spare your daughters any further damage from them having to watch daddy hate mommy on a daily basis and get a divorce.

DEATH, YOU BITCH
Death took a god this week in the form of Paul Newman. Sadly, it was not unexpected. Earlier this year when he backed out of directed Of Mice & Men onstage, it was pretty much known the cancer was closing in on him. My favorite Paul Newman films are not Cool Hand Luke or Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid or The Hustler, but The Young Philadelphians, Harper and The Verdict, for which he deserved the Oscar, not The Color of Money, which remains a dull as dishwater movie. I’m also a fan of The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean, which I’m sure even he didn’t like. Can you believe that anyone ever once suggested that Matthew McConughey would be the next Paul Newman simply because he was blonde and pretty? Geek trivia: Paul Newman was the original artist basis for the Silver Age Green Lantern, Hal Jordan.

STRANGELY, I REMAIN A FAT BASTARD NO MATTER WHAT I DO
Fall is officially here! I know because I fell off my bike again. One of the hazards of riding at night. But I’m getting better at it, because once I felt the fall, I jumped off and landed on two feel with barely a bruise. However, I popped my tire and had to walk my bike back from 72nd street. The irony being, when I wound up riding at night in rain with a headwind so strong it was practically like I wasn’t moving, I was fine. Sigh. The days to ride are rapidly ticking away, but the upside is I’ve found a place to swim. The Riverbank Center up on 145th is a massive complex open to the public and they have an Olympic sized pool you can swim in for $2, and at 5:00 on a rainy Saturday afternoon in September it was all but empty. But my swimming muscles are long gone. The pool at Crunch was about half Olympic sized and I could do ten full laps on the sucker without pause. I managed about two laps in the Riverbank pool before a near collapse, which is even less than half of my peak performance. Needless to say Sunday was Advil day.

DUKE, DUKE, DUKE

1. Lakeview Terrace/Screen Gems Wknd/$ 15.6 Total/$ 15.6
2. Burn After Reading/Focus Wknd/$ 11.3 Total/$ 36.4
3. My Best Friend’s Girl/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 8.3 Total/$ 8.3
4. Igor/MGM Wknd/$ 8.0 Total/$ 8.0
5. Righteous Kill/ Wknd/$ 7.7 Total/$ 28.8
6. The Family That Preys/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 7.5 Total/$ 28.4
7. The Women/ Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 19.2
8. Ghost Town/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.2 Total/$ 5.2
9. Batman: Dark Knight/WB Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 521.9
10. The House Bunny/Sony Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 45.7

“SUSPENSE COMES SPECIAL DELIVERY…”
Lakeview Terrace opens at number one showing the “_____ From Hell” concept never gets old. It can be everything from “mistress” (Fatal Attraction) to “roommate” (Single White Female) to “fan” (um, The Fan) to “secretary” (The Temp). Basically any person you meet can make your life hell and people will come to see their worst nightmare come to life (I’m still waiting on one about a crazy mailman). This time around it’s not just a cop from hell (which was done in Illegal Entry), but a neighbor and cop from hell. I think that’s the wave of the future, combining the entries. It’s not just your mistress trying to destroy you, but your mistress is also your lawyer. It won’t just be your roommate after you, but your roommate will also be your doctor---and he’s a proctologist! And so on… I have no basic interest in these movies because I already subscribe to Sartre’s belief that “Hell isn’t a place, it’s people.” I really don’t need for someone to be crazy to make my life a pain. Just feel the need to ask me how my day is every fucking time I buy orange juice from you and we’re already there. Trying to kill my bunny is just semantics at this point. I don’t know if the fact that our protagonists are an interracial couple has anything to do with what sets Samuel L. Jackson off, but I’d be surprised if they went that way, because usually when a white guy has a minority girlfriend or wife, no one ever really mentions it, but if a white woman has a minority lover, it’s the story, period. It’s also seems a bit too inflammatory for such a genre type of film, but Neil LaBute is directing and he doesn’t exactly shy away from controversy (In The Company of Men anyone?). And I’m sure he’ll make sure to remind you how horribly shallow the pretty people are and therefore somewhat deserving of their suffering.

HE REMEMBERED ROSEANNE’S LAST FEW SEASONS
Burn After Reading is down to number two and where are the screaming fat men? If there was one sign of a Coen Brothers film it was a screaming fat man and most of the time that fat man was John Goodman, so I guess I’m asking where’s Coen Brothers mainstay, John Goodman? Or did he take a look at this script and immediately take a pass, sensing their comedy glory days were long over (though Intolerable Cruelty has strong first act and decent third act, not to mention a role that looked tailor-made for Goodman).

MOM WAS WITH A-LIST DUDES UNTIL HER 50’S.
My Best Friend’s Girl opens at number three and I believe we are no longer pretending that Kate Hudson is an A-list star. Her co-stars pretty much make that clear. Cameron Diaz makes movies with Ashton Kutcher. She makes movies with Dane Cook and Jason Biggs. I think that says it all. The real question is what is Alec Baldwin doing here? He sees quality comedy scripts every week, so how could he have thought this was a good idea? Maybe he just needed money for lawyers for his neverending legal battle with Kim Basinger. And this movie borders on science fiction, that B-list star Kate Hudson would be dating someone like Jason Biggs, or that she would then fall for Dane Cook. I fully expect everyone in this movie to get around on jet packs or find out that all the other men have died in a plague that consumed the world that left only dweebs and douchebags alive to compete for the women. Forget science fiction. It’s nothing short of Gandalf level fantasy that Dane Cook is making a living by being a date so bad women return to their boyfriends. Who’s really gonna care if they had a bad date with Dane Cook? Again, if you go out with Ashton Kutcher and it sucked you might resign yourself, but Dane Cook? I think not.

THAT’S PRONOUNCED “EYE-GOR”
Igor opens at number four and the idea of a movie about Igor sounds great to me. An animated movie about Igor even better. And an animated movie where all mad scientist assistants are called Igor but one wants to be a scientist himself sounds like the best of all. So why didn’t I see this? I didn’t even know the damn thing was coming out this week. They had zero advertising, which suggests they knew they had a turd on their hands. I hate to say it, but this is a movie Tim Burton should have done. Though I then I wouldn’t have watched it on general principle of hating his ass.

WARNING A SPOILER FOR THIS CRAPPY MOVIE
Righteous Kill is down to number five and I’m still trying to deal with the sight of Robert DeNiro doing Carl Gugino doggiestyle that’s seared into my brain. But to let you know where she sat on this, she did no nudity. She did nudity for Sin City, but none for Bobby. And if you thought it was a cheap male fantasy to begin with that she’s a decades younger hottie who digs rough sex, note that for daring to be a woman who likes sex, she eventually suffers the fate of most women in movies who dare to like sex and gets raped. Oh, and beforehand she first ridicules DeNiro for his inability to fuck her rough then pushes him away emotionally, so it’s obviously punishment for her rejection of “the nice guy.” Yeah, someone’s got issues with vagina. It’s time to get over the hot girl in high school who banged everyone but you, dude.

EVIL NEVER DIES, IT JUST DRESSES IN DRAG
The Family That Preys is down to number six and while it probably cost about half of what Righteous Kill did to make, it’s now made as much money, insuring Perry’s reign of onscreen terror.

HOW IS RENEE SOFER NOT HERE?
The Women is down to number seven and how much snickering do you think went on when Jada Pinkett-Smith was announced to be playing a lesbian? And this isn’t just an all-star B-list cast, but a C and D list as well. Also here are Debbie Mazar, Carrie Fisher, Joanna Gleason, Lynn Whitfield, Ana Gasteyer (of SNL) and other vets like Bette Midler and Candice Bergen who obviously owes Diana English and had to be here. Movie trivia: Candice Bergen plays Meg Ryan’s mother here just as she did over 20 years ago in Rich & Famous, the last film by someone who actually knew how to direct women, George Cukor.

IF THEY DON’T USE THE SONG BY THE SPECIALS…
Ghost Town opens at number eight and I’m simply not a Ricky Gervais fan. I’m not a fan of comedy of watching unaware morons fulfill their destiny, so the guy who’s currently doing it better than anyone else means nothing to me. And there’s obviously a sub-genre of comedy all about ghosts and I am not a fan of it. The best it gets is Ghostbusters and their job is to get rid of the ghosts. Not even Cary Grant in Topper alters my opinion. And if your movie is a comedy about a curmudgeon who is forced to do good things in order to be left alone, shouldn’t those funny missions be your selling point? I’m much more interested in whatever he has to do in order to make the Naked Ghost go away than I am in the “romance” that’s inevitably supposed to develop between him and Tea Leoni.

IT’S A PLAY ON WORDS, GET IT?
The Dark Knight is still around at number nine and also in this for you Tick fans is Nestor Carbonell as the mayor of Gotham City. In the live action adaptation of The Tick cartoon, he actually played “Batmanuel” (who in the cartoon was called Die Fledermaus which means “The Bat” and yes, it’s from the opera) and I wonder how many times he mentioned that on-set. “Hey, isn’t it funny I’m in a Batman movie when I played Batmanuel? Right? Right? Guys? I’m in the sequel, right?”

THE END
The House Bunny closes out the top ten at number ten

AS I WALK THROUGH THIS WORLD/YOU WILL BE MY DUCHESS OF EARL
Opening in limited release to begin the long, sloooooooow march to the Oscars is, The Duchess and is the first notable contender since Heath Ledger’s performance in The Dark Knight. And once again, it’s not the main role we’re talking about. Kiera Knightley is fine as the legendary Duchess of Devonshire (whose name was in fact Spencer and is actually related to the late Princess Di) but she never really takes it to another level. Ralph Fiennes, however, as The Duke all but steals this film. If he has excelled at anything it’s playing cold aristocrats, but like Dennis Hopper and villains, he never does two the same way. Here he manages to imbue the Duke with a level of humanity and sadness with just a look, a sigh or even a grunt, effectively conveying to us that while The Duchess is a prisoner of her life, so is he. His cage just happens to be a little bit larger. But I really shouldn’t chide the script over it, because I’d rather not be subjected to out-of-character speeches explaining it to me. That’s the kind of costume crap you can save for The Tudors. Needless to say, Best Costume Design is also on the menu because The Duchess was a fashion plate of her time and oddly enough not enough is made of this. History lesson: fashion trends actually come from people striving to emulate royalty and royalty changing so as not to look like the common people (don’t say you don’t learn anything here). Also, oddly underplayed, in fact, totally eliminated is her younger sister, who may have actually led an even more interesting life. Like her latter day relative, The Duchess was married to an older member of royalty (though he was only 26 to her 17) and also like her latter day relative had affairs outside the marriage. The only difference is her lover was Charles Grey, who became Prime Minister of England, fought to abolish slavery in England and give Catholics civil rights in Ireland and had the tea named after him, while Princess Diana picked a douchebag who can’t keep his mouth shut. Oh, and The Duchess actually bears him a child. Also, Camilla was hardly Diana’s best friend much less living with her and Prince Charles, the way The Duchess initially unwillingly shares her husband with Lady Elizabeth Frazer.

ODDLY THE GINO VANELLI SONG IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND
Also not cracking the top ten but not getting any Award attention either is Appaloosa and this has everything you expect from a western: evil boss, nasty henchmen, quick draw sheriff, loyal deputy, new-in-town love interest, beleaguered town leaders at their wits end, Indians on the prowl, guns for hire brought in and interesting facial hair. Like any western it’s about dudes, in this case law-for-hire Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen. They’re hired by the town of Appaloosa to protect it from Jeremy Irons. We get hints to a darker depth to the story because the agreement requires the word of Ed Harris to be law. If you think this will lead to more harm than good, think again, because it’s never followed up upon one way or the other. Also, at one point Ed Harris beats the shit out of an innocent man because he feels momentarily embarrassed. Also never followed up on. Even when it embraces the complexity of Renee Zellweger being the type of woman who pretty much hooks up with the alpha male, even if he’s just kidnapped her and put a gun to her head, there’s still no real examination over it. She’s a widow but that’s all you learn about her past. Given her actions you think finding out exactly how her husband died might be of interest, but Ed Harris doesn’t care. He still wants her warts and all, even when she makes a move on Viggo Mortensen (his love interest isn’t even given a name). The movie goes on far too long and should have paid more attention to Rio Bravo, the movie it briefly becomes when Ed Harris actually puts Jeremy Irons in jail and has to wait for the judge to arrive. Instead, we actually get a trial! Did we really need to see the trial? I think not. More gunfights are what we needed. The best part of the film is the relationship between Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen, which is yet another western depiction of manly love. Viggo makes this clear when he tells Renee Zellweger “You’re with him. And I’m with him.” And the final act of the film is all about said manly love. But you can’t be hip and revisionist while trying to be traditional so the film ultimately fails, by winding up all over the place.

YOU CAN SMELL THE DESPERATION COMING OFF THE SCREEN
The new PC ads are just as much a failure as the initial ones with Jerry Seinfeld because by addressing the Apple ads they’re admitting defeat. If they weren’t kicking your ass, you wouldn’t need to bring them up. Notice the Mac ads aren’t a response to any PC ad. But this doesn’t mean you fuckers shouldn’t chip in and get me an Xbox now that the price has dropped to $200. I do so much for you all and get nothing in return. This is the least you can do, because god knows if I develop and actual life I won’t have time to do this any more. You don’t want that do you? I didn’t think so.

THAT AIN’T RIGHT
Death took some heavyweights this week and tried to take a few lightweights. Nate Dogg is recovering from his second stroke, which his own family blames on his lifestyle Also, Travis Barker and DJ AM almost went out classic rock style in a plane crash. I’m glad they didn’t because it’s offensive they should die in the same way as Sam Cooke and Stevie Ray Vaughn. Yeah, yeah, I’m evil. Get over it. Granted I never gave a shit about Fletch, but I’m sure the passing of Gregory McDonald who wrote the novels was sad to some. Richard Wright, keyboardist for Pink Floyd died from cancer, but what got me personally was the loss of Norman Whitfield, Motown writer and producer and a driving force behind both Marvin Gaye and The Temptations. He co-wrote “Heard It Through The Grapevine” which instantly makes him one of the greatest songwriters ever. Other songs like “Pride & Joy” “Ball of Confusion” “Car Wash” “Just My Imagination” “Son of a Preacher Man” “Papa Was A Rolling Stone” and “War” were just gravy.

AND DID I MENTION THE UPPER EAST SIDE SUCKS?
I took my ride up around Manhattan again this weekend only to realize the East Side sucks so much it actually looks worse on a pretty day. The gray overcast weather of my initial trip actually leant itself to the bland surroundings. But this time I went down St. Nicholas Avenue like I was supposed and not only is there a bike lane, but that sucker is pretty much all downhill for thirty blocks. It was a bit chilly despite the sun being out which reminded me that if I’m going to continue riding in the fall, I’m going to have to bundle up. Already a few night rides have been unexpectedly cool. I went to Old Navy and got myself a nice all-white hoody for $12 so I can ride at night and not---what’s the word---yeah, die. Don’t know what to do about the legs though. I have full-length lycra tights that used to wear to work out in college. Now I only use them for those winter days when the wind chill is below zero. It may be time to return them to their original function. But I don’t want to look like those douches that bike dressed like they’re in the fucking Tour de France, head-to-toe in fucking gear. Especially the tubby fuckers, whom I will no doubt resemble. Some even ride with their race numbers still pinned on. Exactly who do you think is impressed by that? Exactly one bike racer alive is getting laid and his name is Lance Armstrong. The rest of you had better settle for the friction from your seat.

FORGET AFTER SEEING

1. Burn After Reading/Focus Wknd/$ 19.4 Total/$ 19.4
2. The Family That Preys/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 18.0 Total/$ 18.0
3. Righteous Kill/ Wknd/$ 16.5 Total/$ 16.5
4. The Women/ Wknd/$ 10.1 Total/$ 10.1
5. The House Bunny/Sony Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 42.2
6. Tropic Thunder/Par-DW Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 103.0
7. Batman: Dark Knight/WB Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 517.7
8. Bangkok Dangerous/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 2.4 Total/$ 12.5
9. Traitor/Over Wknd/$ 2.1 Total/$ 20.7
10. Death Race/Universal Wknd/$ 2.0 Total/$ 33.2

FORGET AFTER SEEING
Well, summer is over and the “real” films are now being released as this week’s top four movies can attest to. All are aimed at adults and even in humor are supposedly dealing with more serious matters. Funny thing is, none of them are better than some of the dumbest shit you’ve seen all summer. First to stumble in the fall season are none other than the Coen Brothers. No Country For Old Men has strangely wiped out the fact that they were once best known for humor, be it broad based in the excellent Raising Arizona or black as night in the Oscar-winning Fargo. Here they lean more toward Fargo in the story of a comedy of errors as a former CIA analyst finds himself being blackmailed by a fitness instructor who wants plastic surgery, just as his wife is divorcing him for a man who also happens to be sleeping with said fitness instructor. You say that doesn’t sound funny? Well, that’s cause it’s not, really. The funniest part of the film comes from the reactions of J.K. Simmons (best known to you as J. Jonah Jameson from Spider-Man or Schillinger from O.Z.) as the insanity of the participants is described to him. In fact the film would have been better served being told in flashback as everything was described to him, but Simmons actually doesn’t show up until halfway through the film---after the first body drops. As with most Coen Brothers films the laughs come from watching the very odd people with strange names just be themselves and create chaos, but unfortunately they just aren’t chaotic enough to generate any real humor. It ping pongs from character to character as if hoping the next one will be funnier than the previous one, but to no avail. Except for J.K. Simmons, who just happens to be the character it spends the least amount of time with.

THE SEQUEL: LEIGH ME DOWN FOR CHRISTMAS
Tyler Perry’s The Family That Preys opens at number two and I hope to go to my grave never seeing a Tyler Perry movie in its entirety. Yes, I know “How can you judge without seeing it?” Look, I’ve never German fetish porn where people crap on each other either, but just from the description I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t like it. For me Tyler Perry’s heavy-handed chitlin theater idiocy is evident from some of the titles alone. Oooo, he used “prey” instead of “pray.” This may be impressive to his fans but to the rest of us it’s just obvious and stupid. Either he’s an idiot or thinks his audience is dumb, neither of which I have time for. And yes, it bothers me more because this nimrod is perhaps the most successful Black filmmaker working and as you can see his web of influence is expanding beyond his usual C-list cast. Now I expect to see Robin Givens here, as she’s lucky to still be working, but Kathy Bates!?! The closest contact Robin Givens should have to Kathy Bates is turning out for a Screen Actors Guild meeting. And Cole Hauser and Sanaa Lathan were slowly establishing themselves as potential A-list leads and could have, should have been able to do better than this.

NO MOVIE FOR OLD MEN
But if you want to see A-list actors doing crap, look no further than the number three entry this week, Righteous Kill. This is a Cinemax movie that would normally star Michael Pare and Mickey Rourke that somehow managed to get Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro to star. You’re better off watching Heat again to see their five-minute conversation in a diner than wasting your time watching them in this. First of all they’re both at least twenty years too old for the roles they’re playing. I fully expected Carla Gugino to be playing DeNiro’s daughter, but of course she’s playing his girlfriend, a forensics cop so hot she makes the women on CSI look like dudes in drag. She also just happens to like rough sex and gets turned on hearing about DeNiro beating up a suspect. Similarly, Al Pacino wears all black all the time and rides a motorcycle also with some woman less than half his age on it. The movie obviously appealed to both their vanity and their wallets, if not their better instincts, because I cannot stress how fucking old they both look in this, making co-stars John Leguizamo and Donnie Wahlberg look young even though they’re both 40. And I won’t even get into how old 50 Cent makes them look. Unless you’ve never been a movie in the last thirty years you know from the first line being uttered just who the killer really is. Yeah, it’s that lame. You can always tell a bad film about cops because they live in a vacuum. There’s a serial killer murdering bad guys and leaving poems and strangely only four cops are involved and their lieutenant (played by Brian Dennehy, also too fucking old for his role). There’s no Chief of Police with any interest or a commissioner or mayor. Nor is there any press. You’d think when a Catholic priest is murdered and the note shoved in his ass, it might be newsworthy, but no, not here.

DRECKS IN THE CITY
The Women opens at number four and is currently being touted as one of the year’s worst films, as if the utter lack of an ad campaign wasn’t a clue. If not for Sex & The City doing so well, this probably never would have been released theatrically. It’s been 15 years in the making but I don’t think a thousand years would have made it better given Diane English is behind it. Murphy Brown was a horribly overrated, unfunny sitcom that benefited from an idiotic Vice President lending the show a gravitas it never really possessed. Not to mention the play and the original movie are essentially products of their time. I’m not sure you can take it out of the period and have it work. We live in an America now where a female president doesn’t even shock conservatives and divorce rates are 50% and hardly a social stigma. How does the central plot point of a husband cheating on his wife with a perfume counter girl stand up? The same pressure to make a marriage work simply does not exist, especially when the wife has been changed to a career superwoman. The only question now is why she doesn’t leave him, take everything and get a boytoy. Not to mention the original was also about class, though it’s rarely acknowledged. Was it because her husband was cheating on her or because he was cheating on someone so far below his station? And that she was unrepentant about it? And while color-blind casting is to be applauded it now stinks of lower class minority daring to fuck the rich white man, with Eva Mendes in the Joan Crawford role. That’s the other thing. I like Eva Mendes but she really should never be mentioned in the same sentence as Joan Crawford and now we have to. This cast is B and C list with Meg Ryan and Annette Benning 15 years past their A-list days and my beloved Debra Messing never quite making it there (much less Jada Pinkett-Smith). It’s an amazingly lackluster cast.

OR WAS IT WEIRD SCIENCE?
The House Bunny is down to number five, followed by Tropic Thunder at number six and The Dark Knight still kicking around at number seven and did we mention that non other than Anthony Michael Hall has a role in this? Yeah. Director Christopher Nolan must be a really big Sixteen Candles fan.

BY THE WAY, KIRK DOUGLAS IS STILL ALIVE TO REGRET IT
Bangkok Dangerous makes a swift drop to number eight, followed by Traitor down to number nine and also in this is Guy Pearce, a momentary “Next Big Thing” until it became obvious he had no interest in joining the Hollywood machine, preferring indie work. But what I find most interesting is that in Australia he played the lead in the TV series based on none other than The Man from Snowy River, a movie whose claim to fame is that everyone wanted to see what happened when all the horses went over the cliff in slow motion that was shown in every commercial for it. It sure wasn’t for Kirk Douglas playing twin brothers, one in a Gabby Hayes make-up job.

THE BOX ON LOAN FROM TOM CRUISE
Finally, Death Race closes out the top ten at number ten and as “the bad guy” in this is none other than my beloved Joan Allen and given she’s about six feet tall in heels, they must have had Jason Statham standing on a box in their scenes together.

VAMPIRE LOBBYISTS? NOT HOT.
True Blood started on HBO and it’s interesting enough, I guess. I’m not really a vampire person, but when I do watch them I like them sexy and gothic be it classic or the noveau goth. Rural is not really something that interests me, and the twist of the main character being a telepath really isn’t enough to keep me coming back, nor is the conceit that vampires are openly living in society and fighting for their rights. That only serves to make them more mundane in my opinion. And no, not even the gratuitous sex is enough to keep me coming back.

THE Z-Z-Z-Z FILES
Fringe premiered and you say you miss The X Files? You say you miss it so much, you’ll take just about anything? Well then this is the show for you. It’s yet another show that starts out on one level of realism, but when that proves to be a detriment to their limited writing skill, it’s immediately tossed out the window. Some actress who looks like she was put together out of some leftover Cate Blanchett DNA is an FBI liaison officer when a jet filled with melted bodies lands in the United States. First of all, the plane lands itself. Uh, no. Was it too much to have the pilot last long enough to land it? Then, as liaison officer between the various agencies, she’s bossed around by the Homeland security guy running the task force. Makes sense, right? Well, that ends when, to follow up on lead even he declares slim, she somehow manages to take a private jet to Iraq. If you know jack shit about the government, that couldn’t have been a bigger departure from reality if she’d sprouted wings and flown herself. And it’s downhill from there. She’s teamed up with Pacey from Dawson’s Creek because his dad is literally a mad scientist, but their only hope. And apparently dad’s former lab partner runs a massive super-secret company that may or may not be complicit in all the weird things happening in the world resulting from “fringe science.” We’ll find out in future episodes. Well, you will, because I’m not coming back. It’s from JJ Abrams, the most overrated geek icon since Joss Whedon. At least Whedon can back up his devotion. Lost must be the greatest show ever to continue allowing him to shit on TV and film the way he does between Mission Impossible 3 and Cloverfield and now this.

NO ONE EVER DOES ROD STEWART’S “YOU WEAR IT WELL”
Fashion Rocks is yet another show that I record just to watch the musical acts. God knows it wasn’t 15 years past-his-prime Dennis Leary hosting. Fergie doing Blondie’s “Call Me” continues her path of inspired covers. It got even better when Debbie Harry joined her onstage. The theme was fashion based on the various eras of music, so for the old school R&B we had Beyonce doing Etta James, whom she plays in an upcoming film. She sang “At Last” and somewhere Christina Aguilera was laughing because she knows she does it better. Even Etta James sitting in the front row didn’t seem as impressed as she might have been. Rhianna doing “Vogue” only made you realize that Madonna’s voice is stronger than you thought. But she was Ella Fitzgerald compared to her boyfriend, Chris Brown, who embarrassed himself and committed blasphemy trying to do Sam Cooke. I’d have leapt through the TV and choked him to death if I could. This is why that little shit has to dance all the time. HE CANNOT SING! In comparison, Justin Timberlake doing Marvin Gaye’s “Got To Give It Up” was positively soulful and he and Beyonce did a decent job covering Marvin Gaye & Tami Terrell. I won’t apologize for liking the Pussycat Dolls, especially that one who does the standing split. I’m just a man, goddamnit! The Black Eyed Peas doing a rap version of “Miss You” is something that never should have left the discussion stages. What, are there no real rock bands anymore who could have come on to do this? Will someone please tell Mariah Carey this cutesy sex kitten stuff needs to stop? I think the world is embarrassed for her now. Kid Rock? Talk about out of place and Mary J. Blige couldn’t help him anymore than Lil Wayne could last week. That song sucks and bringing out the surviving members of Lynard Skynard to a New York fashion audience? Uh, no. It’s good that Beyonce and her family support her younger, less talented (and let’s face it, less attractive) sister, Solange, because they’ll probably be doing it for the rest of her life. I love Duffy, but I hope she normally gives better performances than that. I didn’t even bother to listen to Chris Cornell or Mr. Nicole Kidman, Keith Urban, but they do have fashion sense. I hope the big all-girl superstar single sells well, but I couldn’t listen to it all the way through.

AND DID I MENTION THE EASTSIDE SUCKS?
My latest biking adventure took me back up the west side, only this time I didn’t stop. I kept going until the trail ended then cut across Dyckman Avenue---apparently the place to go if you want your windows tinted---to the east side and back down again. I went up so far I saw Yankee Stadium only on my way back down. Another sign summer is over is the number of people out on the bike paths. Usually, once you get above 100th street on the west side, the number of people, much less white people, decreases. Nope. Not any more. Now, all those annoying douches who were spending their weekends outside the city are back to annoy the shit out of me. I started riding my bike at just the right time to be denied their odious presence. But even they dropped away by the George Washington Bridge, much less the crossover to the east side. And coming down the east side is another visual treat, as this bike path is pretty much brand new. I was alone in my ride down the east river almost until I hit 155th street where the path ends. From there you’re supposed to go down St. Nicholas until you hit 120th where the path restarts, but I didn’t pay that much attention to the map and spent the next 30 blocks riding through traffic and almost took my ass onto the FDR. The east side ride isn’t as picturesque as th west side obviously because a) your only view is of fucking Queens, and b) the east side sucks! Once I got down to around 86th, greater numbers of people began appearing again and of course no they were no longer of color. But this lower part of the path sucks because rather than a smooth surface it’s all interlocking stones, so it’s blocks of crotch bruising bumps. No wonder I was one of the few riders. Still, the views of the various islands in the East River are nice (the bridges are as ugly as sin), but I didn’t bring my camera that day because of the ongoing threat of rain that keeps fucking up my riding schedule. Yes, millions evacuate due to the threat to their lives from the weather and my only concern is riding my bike. I’m that dick.

SOMETHING IN THE WATER
Okay, apparently the only people who love R&B more than Jews are the English, because there’s yet another White girl singing it old school and this one is named Adele. And again, this is someone I read about in Blander six months ago, but forgot about only to see her blow up later. I give her credit because she wasn’t trying to be a performer only a writer and she’ll actually play a guitar and sing, so she’s real. But as nice as her single “Chasing Pavements” is it’s the dance number in the video that stays with you. With so much of this dance crew nonsense, you forget dancing is also about grace, not gymnastics. Heh. See you kids when you’re 35 and the bill for all this jumping around comes due. Yes, I’m a bitter old man whose body betrays him daily, so I hate everyone young and healthy.

DRINKING WITH CHICKS – PART 712
So Friday night was another night out with the girls from Jezebel and this one wound up relocating down the lower east side for the birthday part of one of the writers from Jezebel whose pride was apparently damaged when I not only took no interest in her cleavage but informed her that in my family that would be small. The next night I went out with Star Trek Woman for sushi and pool. She actually wanted to play ping-pong, but that’s too much athleticism to go along with drinking. Fat Cat on Christopher apparently now has cute little cover charge. It’s only $3 but only after you pay do you find out there’s going to be a two-hour wait for a pool table. We passed the time drinking and watching the crowd and the inequality of male to female dress continues to make me sad. Women make an effort. Even if it’s just jeans and a top, it’s a nice top, it’s nice jeans and probably heels. In the meantime, he looks like he just rolled out of bed and put on what didn’t smell bad. One girl was dressed especially nice with shoes so killer I almost asked her where she got them. And what did her date have her doing? Playing shuffleboard. She was tall, blonde, thin and attractive. There’s an older man coming to take her off his hands in 3, 2, 1… “Hi, my name’s George Clooney. Those are really nice shoes. Can I buy you a drink?” One couple we especially liked was the dweeb with the hot girl. Seriously. He could easily play The Skinny Dork in any Judd Apatow film, but somehow managed to snag a little Sade-esque cutie, whose pretty little white bra with black polka dots would pop into view occasionally. But not nearly as much as her iliac crest (those “V” shaped lines that point to your crotch), thanks to her low riding jeans. He only the other hand barely had a chin, was wearing a shirt that looked like his mom got for him from JC Penny and was wearing brown cords---with his wallet bulging in the front pocket. But she loved him. Every time he made a shot she’d clap her hands. But this has a shelf-life too. She’s a little too pretty and a little to open, as she began talking to some guy while he returned the balls to the bar. Hell, she saw us watching her and stopped to tell us about it (she was convinced the guy who tried to talk to her was gay) while he hovered impatiently. When we finally got a table I was reminded of why we hadn’t played in years: she kicks my ass. I’m not that good to begin with (pool is literally all about math and physics), but she owns her own cue stick. Never a good sign. But as time passed, I got better or she just got tired. Out of ten games I won four (as opposed to last time when I didn’t win any). Two clean victories and two because she blew it and sank the “8” ball before she was supposed to. But in my own defense another came I should have won I lost for the same reason. Of course this in no way alters the severity of my ass whupping by her hands. There were times I’d sink one or two balls and she’d just finish up. It’ll probably be another two years before we play again. She’ll be older, she’ll be slower and my time will come: at least a 50% victory!

THAILAND STUPID

1. Bangkok Dangerous/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 7.8 Total/$ 7.8
2. Tropic Thunder/Par-DW Wknd/$ 7.5 Total/$ 96.8
3. The House Bunny/Sony Wknd/$ 5.9 Total/$ 37.0
4. Batman: Dark Knight/WB Wknd/$ 5.7 Total/$ 512.2
5. Traitor/Over Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 4.7
6. Babylon A.D./Fox Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 17.2
7. Death Race/Universal Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 29.8
8. Disaster Movie/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 3.3 Total/$ 10.9
9. Mamma Mia/Universal Wknd/$ 2.7 Total/$ 136.3
10. Pineapple Express/Sony Wknd/$ 2.4 Total/$ 84.2

SPHINCTERTHUMP PAINFUL
Bangkok Dangerous opens at number one and there was a time seeing this would be a no-brainer for me. I would have either been in the theater immediately after work or first thing Saturday morning to avoid the mouth breathers who frequent action movies. No more. I’m older, more impatient, much cheaper and this just looked like so much crap. Nicholas Cage is an old man and he and his revolving wig collection simply cannot pull off this kind of role any longer. His segue into a more cerebral adventurer in National Treasure was the right move. And quite frankly, the idea of the professional hit man suddenly finding his soul has been done to death and needed a spin, which this doesn’t seem to have. Oh, wait, the original did have a spin with the hitman being a deaf mute, but you don’t pay guys like Cage $20M+ to just emote with their eyes. The irony being, Cage has very emotive eyes and could have done it. I’m also scarred by years of bad low budget martial arts films made in Thailand. Just the thought of it turns me off. I’d be expecting guys like Don “The Dragon” Wilson and Michael Dudikoff to come around the corner in every scene. And I haven’t even gotten to the silliness of the name. I know it may sound cool in Asia, but in the west you can’t have “bang” next to “kok” and not get giggles. It sounds like a porn title. You might as well call it “Slamdick Deadly” or “Pussypop Fatal.” Now that last one I might actually see…

NO SMALL ROLES ONLY ACTORS
Tropic Thunder is down to number two and while this may seem like a hit, bear in mind it had a budget of $92M and has just barely passed that domestically after almost month in release, including a holiday weekend. Also in this a firm member of the Apatow Clan, which I just realized is actually a sub-category of the Stiller Clan given that Apatow worked on The Ben Stiller Show and can actually be seen in a few of the segments, is Jay Baruchel, best known as the lead in the underrated Undeclared. He was also one of Seth Rogan’s disgusting roommates in Knocked Up. Though oddly, his most famous role may be from Almost Famous” as Vic, the Led Zeppelin fan.

GENE THERAPY
The House Bunny is down to number three and also in this is Rumer Willis, the daughter of Demi Moore and you-know-who. Now, I’m not going to pretend I haven’t made lots of mean jokes about her looks over the years, but I feel validated because she not only hadn’t earned her D-list fame, but seemingly wasn’t working for it either, just showing up and partying with people like Lindsay Lohan. If your only claim to fame is being someone’s kid and you’re not at least trying to be an actress/musician/whatever, then I’m just going to compare you to your famous parents and in her case the best you could say was that she was prettier than her dad. In a world of Shiloh Jolie-Pitts and Zoe Kravitzs, she wound up in the room with Alexia Ray Joel. She’s even mentioned how she was teased about her jawline in high school, being called “Jay Leno.” But she had company because also in this film is Colin Hanks, who also doesn’t look as good as his famous parent, but lucky for him Tom Hanks was never really known for his looks as much as his nice guy demeanor, so he won’t suffer as much in comparison. Also, despite having been working for the last few years most people don’t even know he exists.

HE MAN WOMAN-HATERS CLUB
The Dark Knight is down to number four and this is officially the number highest grossing domestic film in history----unadjusted for inflation. It’s also at $949M worldwide and you’d think this would get a Wonder Woman movie on the fast track, but you’d be wrong.

THUNDERBURKA
Traitor holds at number five and the story about an American Muslim secret agent may have seemed good on paper, but if learned anything over the past few years is the only thing the American viewing public wants to see less onscreen than movies about the Middle East be it war or terrorism it’s possibly Speed Racer. It’s got some good indie actors in it, but that’s part of your problem. This was still released in summer and nothing says “unfun summer film” like indie + political. For this to work, it needed to be more Jason Bourne and and less Fahrenheit 9/11. You have to slip in your little political message under the cover of an action movie, but this seems to play its hand too soon. I mean, it couldn’t get me in to see it and I actually like Don Cheadle and Guy Pearce.

WHERE HAVE YOU GONE JEAN CLAUDE A NATION TURNS ITS LONELY EYES TO YOU?
Babylon A.D. is down to number six and this is currently most famous for being trashed by its own director, but I’d take it with a grain of salt because I don’t see how more of his vision would have made this better. Ever see the early Jean-Claude Van Damme movie Cyborg? In it he has to transport former model Dayle Haddon across a post-apocalyptic world to save humanity. Or maybe Children of Men where Clive Owen has to transport the first pregnant woman in twenty across a dystopian England to also save humanity. Well, in this Vin Diesel has to transport as mysterious woman from a nunnery across a dystopian Russia for an undefined purpose, but a mysterious religious organization insists it’s to save humanity. So this has not only been done already, it’s been done better by Jean-Claude Van Damme and the director of Alien From L.A. (though to be fair he also directed The Sword and the Sorcerer). The director has said he wanted to show more of the refugee situation in a Russia, which as essentially collapsed and is run by gangsters (one of whom is played by a near unrecognizable Gerard Depardieu). Yeah, that’s what we wanted to see more of, more visions of a depressing future and not say, a freaking explanation for what the fuck is going on. Vin Diesel plays another Vin Diesel character, meaning a badass living by his own code. This time he’s a mercenary hired to carry a strange girl from a nunnery to New York. The girl’s guardian is played by Michelle Yeoh who must wonder why every time she makes a movie in Hollywood it sucks out loud. And what Charlotte Rampling is doing here I’m sure is a mystery to even her. The problem with this movie is that it thinks it’s some sort of intellectual vision of a dark future when what it's just a goofy science fiction action film with weak action scenes that makes no sense. Let me put it this way: at one point one of the factions who wants the girl delivered nukes another faction. They have enough power to launch a nuke, but can’t smuggle one girl?

BECAUSE HE’S TOO SCARY TO PLAY A MAGICAL NEGRO
Death Race is down to number seven and also in this is Tyrese Gibson who is pretty much “The Young Black Guy” who will bolster, but is ultimately too bland to really threaten, your B-list male lead. He’s no threat to Jason Statham here the way he was no threat to Paul “Pretty Boy” Walker in Too Fast, Too Furious the way he was no threat to Josh Duhamel in Transformers the way he was no threat to James Franco in Annapolis. I really don’t like him so I’m enjoying his sad fate and pray that his threat to portray Luke Cage: Power Man onscreen never comes to fruition. For those of you who with actually saw another human naked while in high school, Luke Cage is a B-list Marvel Comics superhero created in the 70’s to cash in on Blaxsploitation films. His trademark phrase was “Sweet Christmas!” which was pretty much the equivalent of “Aw, shit!” Nicholas Cage actually took his name from the character. Later, Marvel teamed him with their kung-fu exploitation character Iron Fist. Any my instantaneous knowledge of this is why I’m single with no children.

CTDs (CINEMATICALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES)
Disaster Movie is down to number eight and this series is a herpe on the movie screens of the world. A nasty result of one good time you once had that you hope will go away, but keeps popping up. Not that I know anything about that.

THE END, HOPEFULLY
Momma Mia is down to number nine followed by Pineapple Express closing out the top ten at number ten and can we please be done with fucking Seth Grogan and Apatow films for the year!?! Please!?!

KONICHIWA, BITCHES
I have a high tolerance for utter crap. I can watch most anything in a genre I like and at least have some fun with the badness. I mean how else could I reference movies like Cyborg or Worth Winning (Mark Harmon and Madeline Stowe in a movie so bad I think they’d rather have a gay sex tape released)? But then I see something like Samurai Girl on ABC Family and threshold is overcome. You’d think a movie about a young girl forced to fight against her adopted father’s Yakuza clan would have some dumb fun, but you’d only be half right. I couldn’t watch this for more than five minutes at a time before my brain insisted I either fast forward or be shut down with another hemorrhage. Everything is bad. The script is bad, the direction is non-existent, the actors sound like they learned their lines phonetically…and I watched all six hours (albeit in about two). And while ABC Family does get some credit for minority women in leading roles (they asked that the female lead in the excellent The Middleman be cast as a Latina), they take two steps back because the male love interest must always be a White guy---who in this case, just happens to be ninja as well. Yeah, White guy ninja. Brendan Fehr, best known as the guy who wasn’t the lead in Roswell, is supposed to be some sort of master with a blade, who of course can beat any Asian guy who comes his way. What’s even more ridiculous is that in San Francisco the only Asians present are the ones who come over from Japan. In fucking San Francisco!!! Now, Asians play other Asians all the time so it’s not that big a deal. I mean, if a Greek person plays Italian it’s only the most hardcore people who give a crap, but you mean to tell me not one fucking Japanese actor got a role in this!?! Not one!?! And I pity any and every young Asian actress out there to lose out the title role in this to a girl whose claim to fame was being on MTV’s The Real World. All your classes, all your training and you lose to a reality star who sucks and isn’t really a star at all. That’s worse than losing to a rapper. I know these are based on a series of books and those books may suck too, but you can always make a good movie out of a bad book. Well, maybe you could, but these people couldn’t.

DID YOU HEAR THE 90’S WERE OVER? NOT EVERYONE DID.
Speaking of Asians on TV and in San Francisco, The Margaret Cho Show started on VH1 and like one of more recent routines it’s heavy on her love of the Gay and Lesbian community, issues with her looks and ultimately not that funny. But her mom and dad are on it and they are absolutely adorable. Strangely missing from the show? Her husband. But big points to him for opting out of it.

SUMMERTIME AND THE LIVING IS EASY
I took a few days off last week for an end-of-summer vacation. I’d planned to use it doing all the things I claim to never have time for. I did none of them. At best I visited Angelina Jolie Smile and her two adorable kids in New Jersey. Now, there’s a reason I never leave the city. I get lost easily. I actually wrote down my stop, but I missed it so she had to drive to the next town over and pick me up. Downtown Trenton: catch the excitement! She told me that her daughter really liked the picture of Burt Ward as Robin that I had on my Facebook page for awhile, so I not only wore my Robin t-shirt, but I brought her a little girl Robin action figure (it’s a long story I won’t go into now, but there are at least two girls who have been Robin). For her older brother, Batman. Within the hour she’d popped both Robin’s and Batman’s heads off while her brother kicked my ass at Mario Kart, a game I’d been able to play quite well while drunk a month or two ago (so I think we know the secret to good game play). While we watched the kids play outside with their friends, riding their bikes, electric cars and Green Machines (which will never be the equal of a Big Wheel in my opinion), we talked about how our parents never did that with us. There was also another mom out watching and every time a car came by she’d yell out a warning. When I was kid, I’d hop on my bike and leave around noon and my mom wouldn’t see me again until nightfall. There was no one watching even when we were at my house riding down the nearby hill to build up enough speed to hit the incline in my driveway to produce a “jump” (how none of us were killed doing this I’ll never know). There was also no supervision when I used the stop sign in from of my house as a target for practice with my BB gun when I was 10! Of course when I was 10 my parents were all of 28. I wouldn’t let a 28-year-old watch TV unsupervised much less a child. The only other thing I accomplished on my days off was to finally go biking in Central Park. I know it seems odd that I’m only doing it now, but Central Park is filled with those things I hate. You know…people. I figured the middle of day, in the middle of the week after summer was over would be pretty empty and it was. I won’t get into how gorgeous it is. Everyone knows that already, but I remain amazed at these people who were still out during the middle of the fucking day jogging, bike riding and sunbathing. They have to be actors. They were far too fit to be normal and who the hell else doesn’t have to be trapped somewhere by a job. My favorite spot remains the small pond near the 100th Street entrance near where I used to live. It’s the definition of picturesque, tree shrouded with ducks and on this particular day two mothers with their kids playing, one of whom was butt naked but for a little hat on his or her head. It was so sweet I felt a cavity spontaneously develop in my mouth. It was also a problem because I was trying to take pictures of the lake and if I got someone’s naked kid I’m looking at prison time and you know what they do to soft geekboys in prison. And once again I did a good deed sans one of my many geek shirts. I was wearing one the day before and wearing one the day after, but when I found some woman’s pearl necklace while stopping to take photos, I was free of geek apparel. Just as well because then I’d have to make jokes about my shirt while they thanked me (“Guess you really are a superhero. Ha-ha-ha.”) and I’d really prefer not to. My shirts are no laughing matter.

80 HOURS IN HEAVEN
80 Hours of the 80’s was my crack over the Labor Day weekend. Any time I started watching it, I couldn’t stop. I went to bed watching it and woke up watching it. They played shit I literally have not seen in 20+ years. I mean, one hit wonder and Madonna clone, Regina doing “Baby Love”!?! But it wasn’t perfect. Yes, I know The Pixies and Jane’s Addiction were technically together in the 80’s but they were really more 90’s bands. And how the fuck do you not play Prefab Sprout!?! The bigger artists got at least for videos while lesser artists got two (.38 Special actually got two), but even with at least four Prince videos (none of them his really old bikini briefs stuff) they didn’t play one video from The Time! No Vanity Six either! But my beloved The Producers got one in, even though it oddly wasn’t their biggest hit. And how can you play Warrant and not play “Cherry Pie” (though they did play “Down Boys”) the video some saw as the beginning of the end!?! And why on god’s green earth would you waste time with Patty Smythe’s version of “Downtown Train”!?! I’m no Tom Waits purist because I actually like Rod Stewart’s version, but that’s another one-hit wonder who got gypped out of a slot. They really, really needed me to program this for them.

BACK IN MY DAY…WELL, IT SUCKED THEN TOO
I don’t know why I bother watching the MTV Music Awards any more. I don’t know these bands and it was never what I’d call good. I mean, videos are essentially commercials for songs so you’re voting for commercials. I didn’t get it 25 years ago when they started. I don’t get it now. Not that anyone cares about the awards. Like the Grammys, it’s all about who’s performing. This is why I tape the show and fast-forward to the musical acts. Why Rhianna is doing this weird opening number I don’t know but maybe she’s actually moved on beyond being Aliyah 4.0 (Ashanti was 2.0, Ciara was 3.0 and Cassie was a sad 3.5)…Russell Brand proves once again that English humor tends not to translate well…Okay, so basically, it was “Britney if you show up we’ll give you an award because you are the only reason this show is considered relevant to anyone.”…The Jonas Brothers don’t bother me because you could take them and drop them into almost every pop era unchanged. In fact, those clothes are serious teen pop group 1963. I’m actually more curious as to what Hanson thinks of them. And why is the middle brother always the pretty one and the oldest the ugliest?..Katy Perry sucks and so does her song, but her cover of “Like A Virgin” isn’t half bad…why does it make perfect sense that a big goofy looking white boy like Michael Phelps loves someone like Lil’ Wayne. And the way the Pussycat Dolls were looking at Phelps, I fear for his safety. Well, the safety of his foreskin, anyway because it may be rubbed off before the night is over…Personally, I hate Lil’ Wayne. I know it’s wrong, but he’s just too disgusting looking for me to overcome. And T-Pain just annoys me. I’m old. So very old…I could make a joke about Lindsay Lohan keeping the company of lesbians given she just came done with Ciara, but those are just rumors…I will not apologize for loving the lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls or the one with short blonde hair who can extend one leg straight up from a standing position. That’s wife material. And weren’t there six of them?...I love Paramore. And they did “Misery Business.” Baby, you can’t headbang and sing. Headbang between verses…Xbox 360 is now only $200? This could be bad for me. Especially with the warm weather ending soon…Pink did that stunt live. I’m impressed. But that open shirt is driving the director crazy. The cut-aways to prevent an errant nipple-flash are ridiculous…Slipknot is still around working this lame gimmick?...I know John Legend is short, but damn…How is T.I. not in jail again?...okay, when did Rhianna basically become the queen of MTV? The director is dealing with nippleflash fear again…poor Christina Aguilera. No matter what, she’ll always be #2 who tries too hard. If Britney wanted to perform they’d have bumped her off in a heartbeat. And now she’s singing along to a track so much she might as well be lip-syncing. But that babyweight looks good on her. Now do you believe she’s a Latina?...Okay, it’s guys like the lead singer of Tokio Hotel (whom I’ve never heard of) that give young girls complexes. Face it: he’s prettier than you will ever be. No wonder Chase Crawford had to introduce him…”Going Back To Cali” may be LL Cool J’s best song ever. Too bad it’s older than half the people in audience and onstage…I would so much rather have seen Lupe Fiasco perform than pretty much everyone else tonight…Kid Rock, let the 70’s go. Hell, let the 90’s go. Your time is done. Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? Not even Lil Wayne can make this relevant to the kids in the audience…Yeah, they seriously promised Britney awards if she showed up.

IT’S CALLED THE GRIM REAPER, CHARLIE BROWN
Death begins her year-end clearance taking Jerry Reed, movie voiceover king, Don LaFontaine and in an icy stab to heart of the child in all of us, Bill Melendez, who directed Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown and produced and directed all the rest. He was also the “voice” of Snoopy and Woodstock. He was also 91. Excuse me, but I’m gonna need a minute. Got something in my eye…

LET IT BEGIN! LET IT BEGIN!
My Falcons won! I am now unavailable on Sundays for the next 16 weeks!