THE BOURNE IDENTITY THEFT

1. Enchanted/Disney Wknd/$ 35.3 Total/$ 50.0
2. This Christmas/ScreenG Wknd/$ 18.6 Total/$ 27.1
3. Beowulf/Paramount Wknd/$ 16.2 Total/$ 56.4
4. Hitman/Fox Wknd/$ 13.0 Total/$ 21.0
5. Bee Movie/DreamWorks Wknd/$ 12.0 Total/$ 112.1
6. Fred Claus/Warner Wknd/$ 10.7 Total/$ 53.1
7. August Rush/Warner Wknd/$ 9.4 Total/$ 13.3
8. American Gangster/Universal Wknd/$ 9.2 Total/$ 115.8
9. The Mist/MGM Wknd/$ 9.1 Total/$ 13.0
10. No Country For Old Men/Mira Wknd/$ 8.1 Total/$ 16.6

GOOD MOVIES DON’T MAKE DISNEY ANY LESS EVIL
Enchanted opens at number one and this has actually gotten some decent reviews as sort of a post-modern take on the classic Disney characters as they find themselves, not just in the real world, but in New York. I didn’t see it because I had no faith in Disney to actually “go there” with their characters, but apparently they do and the result is perhaps the second best reviewed film in the top ten. Eh, maybe I’ll see it. Maybe.

USHER WAS TOO BUSY CUTTING HIS APRON STRINGS TO BE HERE
This Christmas opens at number two and I can pretty much promise you I’ll never see this. No, this isn’t my self-hatred run wild, refusing to see the story of a Christmas with a middle-class black family. I only hate my geek self (that sad, fat, comic book reading loser). No this is my pure hatred of Chris Brown. If you’re too old, you may not know who Chris Brown is, but he’s the latest Michael Jackson to come down the pike. At least, that’s how he sees himself. He’s actually little more than a third-rate Usher and given how annoying Usher himself can be, imagine if his songs weren’t top notch (I can’t hate on Usher in that regard; he has the best in the business doing his stuff), he was an even worse singer and he over-danced even more. Now, I can avoid him for the most part because I don’t listen to the radio and god knows I don’t watch MTV, but now he’s starting to turn up in the movies! Next he’ll be in comics and I’ll have nowhere left to turn! Needless to say he plays the son who wants to be a singer and supposedly everyone is knocked out when he sings, which is the magic of movies, because he can’t sing worth shit with that thin, reedy voice of his. It’s right up there with every movie that wants you to believe that Julia Roberts and Jennifer Garner affect men the way Angelina Jolie and Salma Hayek do. Otherwise this is your typical overly conscious effort to “counter program” against negative images of Black people in films. You know this because the producers always tell you so and Mehki Pfeifer who also stars in this is one of those producers, has also said so. Which is the problem. Make your movie first, your message second. A documentary of my family would be funnier, more interesting and probably have better singing.

IN CASE YOU WONDERED JUST WHY GRENDEL WAS SUCH A WHINER…
Beowulf is down to number three and also in this is none other than Crispin Glover, one of the most annoying actors of the 80’s. He plays the misshapen Grendel, who in this looks more like a giant burn victim than a monster (though making him look like Glover would have been equally horrific). It’s proof that time heals all wounds, because you’d think if Robert Zemeckis had replaced me with Eric Stoltz in the Back To The Future sequels and made him up to look like me and I’d sued Zemeckis over it, I’d never be working with or for him again, but 20 years later here they are. Then again, it’s not like Glover has so much on his plate he can turn down a big movie like this. Looks like Zemeckis bought himself some forgiveness.

STILL WAITING ON COMMAND & CONQUER: THE MOVIE
Hitman opens at number and this is based on yet another videogame I’ve never played. I’ve no idea what the game story is, but here the Church has a side business of assassins that they raise and train from childhood, shaving their heads and imprinting them with bar codes. Supposedly, this organization is so secret no one knows about it, which makes no sense because how do they get hired if they’re a secret!?! Sigh. If you didn’t know to check your brain at the door before, you find out with that little piece of idiocy. Also, even though they’re all bald with bar codes, absolutely no one notices them in their missions all over the world. Like I said, “Brain, you can wait here until the movie’s over. Maybe we’ll go read something afterwards.” Now the best of these assassins is #47, played by Timothy Olyphant (in the role Jason Statham was born to play and has kinda played in other movies) who seems to be chafing at the bit to play such a non-character (if you’ve seen him as the sheriff in Deadwood, you know what I’m talking about). We’re given the hint that he wants more than his life offers (he’s reading articles about relationships between men and women), but it’s never really followed up on. Not even when he gets the pre-requisite Beautiful Girl He Kidnaps, do we expand upon it. The template for this is obviously The Bourne Identity, except they knew to let there be some degree of romance in Bourne’s life. If you throw out the protagonist’s desire to be with women then put him with a sexually aggressive woman, you don’t have him knock her out the way they do here. Well, you do if you don’t want to have his character evolve at all. Because this is a movie made for adolescent males (and grown men who haven’t matured much more than that), she’s a beautiful hooker. They toy with the parallel of their lives both being in distasteful occupations, but still being at the top of it, but never follow through. And why should you deal with things like character when you can have a four bald guy swordfight (no, not the dirty kind)? Just as Jason Bourne had other assassins sent after him, so does 47, but while Jason fought them one at a time, five descend on him at once. And like a broken record, if you’re expecting him to make the super secret organization that turned on him, pay, look for another movie. No, I’m not kidding. He even tells them he’s coming after them, but apparently the words, “in the sequel” were removed in editing. It’s too bad, because the action is pretty well done, you have some strong actors (Timothy Olyphant, Dougray Scott), a smoking hot girl (Olga Kurylenko, a Russian model/actress playing a Russian rather than and American actress doing a bad Rocky & Bullwinkle type accent), an R-rating so you can really do the sex and the violence, but it all collapses with a lame story.

OLIVER TWIST AND SHOUT
Bee Movie is down to number five, followed by Fred Claus at number six and opening at number seven is August Rush, and I’ve been looking forward to seeing this since I saw the first trailer. It is what it seems: a musical fairy tale. It’s the story of the lead singer of an up and coming Irish rock band (John Rhys Myers, finally getting to use his natural accent and doing all his own singing) and the reluctant star cello player of the New York Philharmonic (Keri Russell) who meet on the rooftop of a party overlooking Washington Square Park, share one night of passion (he woos her with Van Morrison the way a good Irish lad should) but are then separated by her father who drags her away. Unbeknownst to the heartbroken singer, she’s pregnant and when she’s injured in a car accident, her father forges her signature and gives the child up for adoption. Ten years later he escapes from a boy’s home to New York City because he’s convinced music will lead him back to his parents. And why shouldn’t he? We see him react to the sound of a music box as a newborn in the neo-natal ward of the hospital. In New York he’s found by a musical Fagin type played by Robin Williams, who instead of having kids steal, has them as musicians in the street. In a nice touch of whimsy, their home is the condemned Filmore East (recently reopened, by the way). In one night the prodigy teaches himself how to play guitar and Robin Williams sees him as meal ticket, giving him the stage name “August Rush.” In the meantime, Rock Star and Cello Player are sleepwalking through their lives in San Francisco and Chicago, respectively (but because this is a movie, no one has aged a bit), but slowly begin to make their own way back to New York and reunite in a series of incredible coincidences. You know it ends happily. Hell, the trailer tells you that. We’re just here for the journey and it’s not bad. I’m a sucker for a movie that tells you music has the power to make it all better (I can even over look the laughable editing where aged, calloused hands playing guitar are supposed to be those of11-year-old August Rush). The fact that it’s shot in NYC is just the icing on the cake. Nonetheless, there are some things you must swallow, like this kid making it through eleven years of school and never once demonstrating a musical talent. Or that, Julliard would take in a kid with no records whatsoever in as a full package scholarship student. And they fail to flesh the characters out a little more (director Kristen Sheridan should have gone to daddy Jim for a little help). We understand why Keri Russell gives up music; she thinks her son died. But John Rhys Myers seems ready to leave his band even before he loses Keri Russell and one night doesn’t really seem to be enough to leave him as affected as he is. And don’t get me started on the Black people who help them make it through, from the Children’s Service Caseworker (Terrence Howard in his second NYC civil servant role this year) who initially helps August and later his mother, to the Artful Dodger kid guitar player who initially leads him to Robin Williams, to the little girl singer living in the church where August later finds refuge (drawn by the music), to the reverend she finally tells about him who then takes August to Julliard. Black folks: helping pretty white families come together in movies since Gone With The Wind! But perhaps the biggest hurdle in a movie about the power and wonder of music is that the music isn’t that powerful or wonderful. I don’t remember a single note of the original work.

IT’S ACTUALLY A COLLECTION OF POST-TURKEY FARTS
American Gangster is down to number eight followed by The Mist opening at number nine and who the hell thought “Hmm, Thanksgiving. How about a horror movie?” Even Christmas is a better idea. And how the fuck is this ready for Thanksgiving but couldn’t be ready for Halloween? It would have made more money there in the first weekend that this will for its current release schedule. And I’d like to thank 20/20 for showing me the monsters in The Mist in their promos for their Stephen King interview. If I’m a producer on this I’m still cursing them out a week later. Them and whatever idiots in the advertising department that gave them a clip with the fucking monsters in it to begin with! And I’ll never see this either. First, it’s “the scary” and we know I don’t do that and second, it’s Stephen King and I sure as hell don’t do that crap.

CLIFF HAS HAD A BETTER CAREER IN DISNEY MOVIES
Finally, No Country for Old Men closes out the top ten at number ten and also in this is Woody Harrelson and I still can’t believe there was a time this bonehead was considered a potential movie star. He’s a decent enough supporting actor (Welcome to Sarajevo, EdTV, Wag The Dog) but he should never have seen time as a leading actor. Ever.

CRANBERRY SAUCE ONLY IF YOU WIN THE CAGE MATCH
So I spent Thanksgiving with The Young Married Couple, who opted to be in the city this year. It worked for me since my cooking aunt was ironically in Georgia and as much as I like my cousin, she’s not ready to step into mom’s shoes just yet as the architect of Thanksgiving dinner (also, I didn’t want to travel to wherever the hell she lives now, because I’d have to catch a ride with my other aunt and be trapped there until she was ready to leave). But there’s no such thing as a free meal and the price was the non-stop assault on my person by their six-year old son. You want to blame society, but the male need for violence may be genetic, ‘cause we seem to want it from the womb. The upside is I was able to get a bit of a workout for the day. He was dressed as a pirate with a hat and a red cape and when I tried to take his cape, he decided to give me one of my own that he could then take it from me. Only this one had a yellow “S” on it. Yes, he gave me Superman’s cape, so obviously my being there was destiny. Unable to match his energy, the struggle took a turn for the worse when I decided to use my greatest weapon and just sit on him. He seemed fine with it, but when I finally let him up, the mood had changed from playful to vendetta and daddy had to take him in his room for a time out lest he kill their hapless guest. After that I was mostly used as a horse. The meal was your typical orgy of far too much…everything, pretty much ruining my new discipline of going to the gym three times a week. And I’ve got leftovers. Sigh. The universe wants me fat.

THE BUSINESS THAT PAYS MY SALARY
I have to say, I love that Kia car commercial where the guy does Flashdance. And the Burger King commercials where the moms are flat out trying to kill Burger King. But that Bud Light "Dude" commercial was stolen from one of David Spade's old routines. Basically, I like my commercials movie-related, twisted and dark. Not that I’m throwing my money either way…but I’m so tempted by that double cheeseburger melt I can’t stand it. Sigh. The universe wants me fat.

WILL ACT FOR FOOD
You’d think with all the actors not working between Hollywood and Broadway, there’d be more sightings, but it’s just Ryan Gosling smoking at 42nd & 10th around 11:00 pm, looking exactly like Ryan Gosling. Not skinnier or shorter than imagined. Pretty much dead on. Not so much for David Morse on 8th Avenue after work one day. Older and slouchier than expected.

WILL I HAVE TO BUY BRITNEY NOW?
It’s been a disappointing musical quarter for old people. The Annie Lennox album “Songs of Mass Destruction” is a letdown from her previous albums, “Bare” and unless you’ve been in a box for the last three weeks, Seal has a new album out and in typical Seal fashion he treats the previous album like a redheaded stepchild, extolling how working on this latest one was the best time ever. Well, this time he’s without Trevor Horn and instead has one of Madonna’s producers with him to try and recapture a club feel. You’re the 40-something father of three. Your club days are over, old man. “Seal IV” is so much superior to “System” I’m tempted to take “System” off my iPod in disappointment. But amazingly, the duet he has with Heidi Klum doesn’t suck like it absolutely should. I mean like any Seal album it’s good music to have on in the background while you’re fucking, but that’s about it.

NAKED, BLOODY CARTOON MEN

1. Beowulf/Paramount Wknd/$ 28.1 Total/$ 28.1
2. Bee Movie/DreamWorks Wknd/$ 14.3 Total/$ 93.9
3. American Gangster/Universal Wknd/$ 13.2 Total/$ 101.0
4. Fred Claus/Warner Wknd/$ 12.0 Total/$ 35.8
5. Mr. Magorium’s/Fox Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 10.0
6. Dan In Real Life/Touchstone Wknd/$ 4.5 Total/$ 37.1
7. No Country For Old Men/Mira Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 4.9
8. Lions for Lambs/UA Wknd/$ 2.9 Total/$ 11.6
9. Saw IV/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 2.3 Total/$ 61.8
10.Love in the Time of Cholera/NL Wknd/$ 1.9 Total/$ 1.9

WHAT NEXT? GILGAMESH WITH JESSICA ALBA?
Beowulf opens at number one providing bad flashbacks for anyone and everyone who went school in the English-speaking world, as being forced to read it is a rite of passage. You’re excited at first to read this story about monsters and heroes, but then the trap slams shut! It’s a poem! In Olde English. Ha-ha-ha! In 8th Grade English no one can hear you scream! This does basically follow the poem. Beowulf fights the Grendel who terrorizes the mead hall, rips his arm off and he dies. Grendel’s Mother comes back for revenge and now Beowulf has to go into her lair and fight her. And in the final act, when he’s an older king, Beowulf has to fight a dragon. But, of course, there are changes made, the most notable being the relationship of the kingdom Beowulf inherits to both Grendel and his mother and even the dragon that shows up for the third act. It’s an interesting twist and adds and nice layer of gray to a heroic story that was always black and white before, but not enough is done with the extra dimension it provides to the story. But who are we kidding? No one is here for the story. The pull is the animation and my only question is…why? Seriously, why make this as an animated feature? Especially when your imagination won’t let you make the characters any different from the very actors portraying them. Shouldn’t you take the freedom of animation and turn it up to eleven? Granted Ray Winstone doesn’t look anything like the blonde, six-pack bearing figure you see onscreen, but he doesn’t look like James Remar either, but that’s who the character most resembles. They come closer to what should be done in regards to the Grendel’s Mother, portrayed by Angelina Jolie. With shimmering golden skin and a dragon’s tale they show some wit and verve there, but how the fuck do you make an image of Angelina Jolie done from a computer generation of a very face less attractive!?! They not only do it to her, but they make Robin Wright Penn look like a child’s plastic doll. The Princess Bride herself!!! And I won't get into the blinking problem that still exists. I blame director Robert Zemeckis, who is typical of the Spielberg children (filmmakers who owe their careers to a direct hand from Steven Spielberg) in that they view technology as the motivation and not the story itself. He was so happy to meld old film footage into Forrest Gump he didn’t bother with the story, which should have been more whimsical and not nearly so melodramatic. If he were more interested in filmmaking than technology, he’d have paid more attention to the superior Zelig that preceded it or even Little Big Man for how to treat an innocent stumbling through history. And it shows the maturity level of Zemeckis---which remains on the same adolescent level as Spielberg---the very fight with Grendel is one non-stop dick joke. I’m not kidding. In the poem, Beowulf does fight Grendel naked, but since you obviously cannot show his penis, CGI or no, there’s a constant stream of objects that “just happen” to wind up in front of Beowulf’s crotch, including---and again, I’m not kidding---a sword handle. Given how much of the story is changed, why not just put him into a fucking loincloth and avoid this jarring display if immaturity? “Hee-hee-hee. We’re covering his wang. Hee-hee-hee.”

DO-WAH, DO-WAH, DO-WAY DITTY, LET THE BOY TELL YOU ‘BOUT NEW YORK CITY
Bee Movie is down to number two, followed by American Gangster at number three and it’s a pity director Sidney Lumet, the man behind such gritty NYC classics as Serpico and Dog Day Afternoon didn’t do this. He was there, so he’d have made this stink with authenticity. After all, he also did Prince of the City, which was about corruption in the NYPD in the 70’s, which is partially addressed in this film. Even his smaller, less noteworthy dramas like Night Falls on Manhattan and Q&A come obviously from a man who knows Houston Street is pronounced “Hows-tun” not “Hews-tun.” I think he would have made sure that The Rza’s “Wu Tang Clan” tattoo was covered up, because it’s kinda hard to explain on a narcotics detective in 1972. Yes, The Rza is here as is Common playing father to none other than T.I. Between them and Denzel Washington as a GQ gangster, this will soon join Scarface in the DVD collection of hip-hop artists everywhere.

BACK TO FIGHTING WITH JERRY STILLER TO PLAY BEN STILLER’S DAD
Fred Claus is down to number four, but expect this to hang around the top ten like a bad genital rash pretty much until Christmas, unlike Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium, which opens at number five, and Dustin Hoffman must just be bored to do something so beneath him like this. It’s like he’s trying to prove he wasn’t too old to be in Willie Wonka and The Chocolate Factory. And Natalie Portman wanted something so kid-oriented, her legions of creepy male fans would lay off wanting her nude (and for that you can see Hotel Chevalier, the short-film prequel to Dejeeling Limited, on iTunes). No, I’m not one of them. She reminds me too much of someone I once knew for that.

YOU BETTER, YOU BETTER YOU BET
Dan in Real Life is down to number six and at one point in this movie Steve Carrel and Dane Cook do a cover Pete Townsend’s “Let My Love Open The Door” and who knew this would become the classic it has over the last 20 years? Or maybe it’s just amazing to me, because I remember how great I thought it was when it came out in the early 80’s (on the same album where he sung about his homosexual leanings on “Rough Boys) and couldn’t believe that everyone else didn’t feel the same. It’s one of those songs I just never get tired of hearing (and actually taught myself to play on the guitar). Apparently I was right after all. Notice how the solo 80’s work of Steve Perry isn’t quite standing the same test of time (but you’ll find me singing “Foolish Heart” in the shower as part of my Journey Tribute Set).

THE SCOTTISH VERSION OF THE OUTSIDERS
No Country For Old Men enters the top ten at number seven and this gives James Brolin two films in the top ten as he’s also a corrupt cop in American Gangster. Also in this is none other than Kelly McDonald. Remember her as the Lolita who blackmails Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting? Well, it took me a moment to place her because her accent is so dead on. It’s embarrassing how English, Irish and Scottish actors come to this country and do regional accents better than Americans. Or do I have to remind you how Cate Blanchett embarrassed pretty much the entire cast of The Gift? Every time you think only Ewan McGregor became a success after Trainspotting, another actor turns up. Kevin McKidd had Rome and now Journeyman. Robert Carlyle wasted his heat from The Full Monty, but recently turned up in 28 Months Later. Unfortunately, Jonny Lee Miller is now best known for being Angelina Jolie husband #1 and who the fuck knows what happened to the guy that played Spud. Who cares, really? His girlfriend, however, lucked out not just playing Jude in the Bridget Jones movies, but Moaning Myrtle in Harry Potter, so she’ll always have cheese on her Whopper. Or whatever they fuck they put cheese on in England.

GEEK LOVE IS FOREVER, BABY. JUST ASK SHATNER.
Lions For Lambs is down to number eight, followed by Saw IV at number nine and it seems the gravy train actually ended for my beloved Dina Meyer with Saw III when her character was killed. Still, three is more than enough for convention money.

BECAUSE TRUE LOVE SHOULD BE BEAUTIFUL ON THE OUTSIDE
Finally Love In The Time of Cholera opens at number ten and starring in this is none other than Javier Bardeem, who described doing Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s classic literary romance after being the psychotic hit man of No Country For Old Men like “taking a cleansing shower.” I’ll probably never see this for two reasons: 1) Javier Bardeem is ugly, so I have no interest in any romance where he’s the lead, much less a lead who gets laid a lot. Benjamin Bratt is in this as well, so why the hell couldn’t he be the romantic lead and Javier Bardeem as the old guy who marries the love interest at one point? And 2) when I think of the appropriate director for a decades long Spanish love story, Mike Newell, the director of Four Weddings & A Funeral does not come to mind. In fact, no one who went to Cambridge should be doing this. When you think of the passion and longing of the Spanish-speaking people of the world, some English guy telling them how to do it should not be your next thought. If it is, I question you really know what passion and longing is.

WHAT I SAID ABOUT EXTERNAL BEAUTY? I WAS JUST KIDDING.
I feel badly for Kanye West about his mom, but she wasn’t in the hospital for a medical condition; she was there for vanity. And this was after the first plastic surgeon declined to work on her because she had a condition that made him fear for her life. How bright do you have to be to think, “Maybe I’ll just use these thousands of dollars or therapy or a personal trainer?” Or even have a another doctor look into the very condition the first doctor was concerned about? Sorry, people. As cruel as it sounds, this is Darwin at work. You do dumb shit and you die. And going to a plastic surgeon whose office is over a Kinko’s is dumb.

WHEN I SAID I WAS KIDDING ABOUT EXTERNAL BEAUTY? I LIED. IT’S ALL THAT MATTERS.
Speaking of being so disgusted with what you see in a mirror, you’re willing to have someone take a knife to you, I’ve not only gained back all the weight I lost in the hospital (damn sushi!) but another five just to be safe. My “winter coat” apparently. I’ve reached that point where you can feel layers of your fatty skin folding over on one another when you sit down. Yeah, ew. This is what sent me to a martial arts class on the Upper West Side and this one was serious, unlike that silly shit over on 8th Avenue. It was a real taekwondo school. White uniforms, forms (katas for you karate people; hyungs for taekwondo) and an older Asian guy overseeing it all. Unfortunately it’s also $200 a month, which would hurt almost as much as the “free introductory lesson” they put me through to see what 20 years of no training had done. Kicks, kicks and more kicks. I was in serious, serious pain the next day. When I could once again bend my foot I was grateful because after the “brain bleed” I fear every unusual discomfort is something on my body breaking down. Until I decide whether or not to lay out the money for this, I’ve stepped up my normal workout at the gym by including weight training along with the swimming. Normally I’d do one or the other (actually, I don’t weight train at all because it’s boring), but never both. Unfortunately, the man boobs and the fleshy rolls beneath them demand more from me. And the swimming…oy. Given I’m too disgusting to be seen in my streamlined, aqua-dynamic, square bottomed Speedos (meaning they’re thigh-length and not some bikini-banana-hammock type) that I bought after being inspired by Michael Phelps in the last summer Olympics, I’ve returned to my fat-friendly, knee-length regular trunks (the choice of pot-bellied frat boys the world over). But because I’m a label whore, they’re my Ralph Lauren Polo regular trunks.

BESIDES, IT AIN’T A PARTY WITHOUT BLOOD ON THE FLOOR AND WHO WANTS THAT?
So I’m not having a party. I’m drinking in a bar and you’re welcome to join me paying homage to the god Dionysus for his gift of the grape (not that tequila comes from grapes, but you get what I’m saying). Obviously, I didn’t seriously expect any of you outside the NYC area to even consider showing up, much less doing so. Hell, I don’t expect anyone outside the borough of Manhattan to seriously consider it. I wouldn’t. You have a gathering outside my comfort zone (i.e, “my apartment”) and my chances of showing up are somewhere near “zero” and negative numbers. But for those of you sentimental enough or just plain bored, it’s December 6th, before you’re too busy with Christmas and are over Thanksgiving. If you didn’t get an invite, it means I probably just forgot you (not that I refuse to forgive you for that thing you did, ‘cause I’m over it, seriously). If you did, pretend you weren’t raised in a fucking barn and respond appropriately. To be able to RSVP is a privilege, not a right. I chose a bar close to home for obvious reasons: if you bother me, I can leave easily and go home to drink in peace. Where the absence of my pants won’t be an issue.

I HAVE SEEN EVIL AND IT’S PRETTY, SET TO MUSIC WITH A LOT OF QUICK CUTS
Stay away from the music video section of iTunes. You can buy videos for $2 a pop. You think you won’t…and then you see “Candy” by Cameo… And then there was “Tell Me” by Groove Theory, which is flat out one of the best R&B songs from the 90’s. Back when they still made R&B. I’m just happy they don’t have the uncut version of Duran Duran’s “Girls on Film” that I can have on my iPod for $2. But for all you “New Romantic” holdovers, there is “Planet Earth” with the sound remastered No Spandau Ballet either. Good. Less temptation. Ooh, Kate Bush…!

IT ACTUALLY TOOK A SILVER YOGA STICK

1. Bee Movie/Dreamworks Wknd/$ 26.3 Total/$ 72.2
2. American Gangster/Universal Wknd/$ 24.3 Total/$ 80.7
3. Fred Claus/Warner Wknd/$ 19.2 Total/$ 19.2
4. Lions for Lambs/UA Wknd/$ 6.7 Total/$ 6.7
5. Dan In Real Life/Touchstone Wknd/$ 5.9 Total/$ 30.7
6. Saw IV/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 5.0 Total/$ 58.1
7. The Game Plan/Disney Wknd/$ 2.4 Total/$ 85.4
8. P2/Sum Wknd/$ 2.2 Total/$ 2.2
9. 30 Days of Night/Sony Wknd/$ 2.1 Total/$ 37.4
10. Martian Child/New Line Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 3.7

BEE FUNNY
Bee Movie is actually rises to the number one spot and one of the reasons the courtroom sequence is the comedic high point is that the voice of the lawyer for the honey companies is none other than John Goodman, who is a funny muthafucka. He’s one of those actors who pretty much lift whatever material they touch and this is no exception. Unfortunately, also in this is Patrick Walburton, best known as Puddy from Seinfeld and he just leaves the material at the level he finds it. Shouting is not acting, no matter what Al Pacino tells you.

DADDY DAY CAMP THREE MONTHS AGO DIDN’T HELP
American Gangster is down to number two and also in this and trying to climb his way out of the cellar is Cuba Gooding Jr., who has so damaged his rep, they don’t even include him in the advertising with fellow “Academy Award Winners” Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe and they never miss an opportunity for that in films, even if you’re just a nominee. He plays the other Harlem gangster from the 70’s with a movie out about him, Nicky Barnes. Only his film is a documentary, so he doesn’t have a good looking movie star and a somewhat fictional portrayal of him, omitting non-glamorous details like the fact that Denzel Washington’s character couldn’t read. Yeah, no one fantasizes about being an illiterate gangster. Also in this is the man who’s career Cuba Gooding Jr. would love to have right now, Chiwetel Ejiofor, whom I’ve enjoyed since Dirty Pretty Things, but most of you know as the guy who marries Kiera Knightley in love actually, or the assassin in Serenity or one of the rebels in Children of Men. Actually, you wouldn’t since no one saw any of those movies. He was also Denzel’s partner in The Inside Man. Yeah, now you know him. I think his Oscar nomination is purely a matter of time and if you can’t get Denzel, this is the guy who should get the call. The call Cuba Gooding once thought would be his. Do I have to point out that his dad was in The Main Ingredient who’s big hit was “Everybody Plays The Fool” apparently anticipating his son’s career.

AFTER ALL, IT’S NOT THAT FAR TO “SATAN” FROM “SANTA”
Fred Claus opens at number three and if there’s something worse or more annoying than Vince Vaughn’s wiseass, motor-mouth persona, it’s his wiseass motormouth persona with no one to balance him out (The Wilson Brother, Jon Favereau) or watered down for the kids. This is both as when it was first announced they were going for an “R” rating and you know what happens to an “R” rated comedy that has to become family friendly. It seems every year brings the most horrid holiday films with major stars who should know better, but the money is too good because these things always seem to turn a profit in the end. Sadly, this is when you need Billy Bob Thornton because he wouldn’t have backed down on the rating. And really, did we need another sappy family film, wasting the talents of people who have made their careers being pretty unpleasant? Seriously, Vince Vaughn, Paul Giamatti, Miranda Richardson are not warm and fuzzy. What the world needs is more films acknowledging that the pressure to be nice and loving at Christmas sucks. You can still have your happy ending; just don’t wuss out on the venom bile beforehand. You know what I have a soft spot for? Scrooged with Bill Murray. It’s a big, bloated mess of a film, but Bill Murray carries it and saves it from giving you a cavity, because even when he’s nice, he’s not that nice.

WAR FOR DUMMIES
Lions for Lambs opens at number four and while I am as good a liberal as I can be coming from the south (meaning I’ve got no problem with the death penalty or gun ownership), the idea of having Robert Redford preach at me just makes me want to vomit as much as the idea of my beloved Meryl Streep sharing celluloid with none other than Tom Cruise. What in the name of all that is holy has these two not only in the same movie, but in the same scenes!?! Suddenly Robert Redford and Meryl Streep become Katie Holmes; making an unholy bargain with Tom Cruise because he is one of the biggest movie stars in the world. For all the good it does. This just goes on the pile of anti-war films that are too much, too soon. It took America over a decade before we could start making films about Vietnam, so why these people think they can make movies about wars going on right now is beyond me. I can turn on the news and be depressed, so why the fuck would I pay money for the privilege? Especially when it inevitably comes with a lecture? And no matter what side of the war you fall on, you don’t want Tom Cruise on your side, because it instantly brands your side as crazy.

I THINK THIS IS WHAT’S KILLING THE BEES
Dan In Real Life is down to number five, followed by Saw IV at number six and Saw V and VI are already in the planning stages. And you thought global warming was the only thing you had to fear about mankind’s folly

CONCEIRGE: IT’S FRENCH FOR TERROR!
Down to number seven is The Game Plan, followed by P2 opening at number eight and we may have a new winner for “Dumbest Movie Title” for 2007. It sounds like a video game system when It’s supposed to be a horror movie about a woman being terrorized by a security guard in parking lot and…wait. A horror movie about being terrorized by a security guard in a parking lot!?! Are you fucking kidding me!?! How’d this even get made much less released!?! What next, being stalked by a Valet? “When you get your car, be sure to check the backseat for…THE VALET!” Man, what Wes Bentley has to do for drug money after pissing away his American Beauty heat years ago. Now any role he’d do will go to that wussy guy on heroes.

MAYBE THEATER…
30 Days of Night is down to number nine, with Martian Child closing out the top ten at number ten, and also in this is none other than Amanda Peet who is pretty much a curse on the big screen and small screen. We’re getting to the point where her biggest success is going to be that Jack & Jill show.

THEM KILLIN’ FIELDS
Not breaking the top ten as it’s still in limited release is No Country For Old Men and after few years of comedies The Coen Brothers have returned to their peak form of Miller’s Crossing and Fargo. Few others can depict graphic violence with an undercurrent of humor the way they can, but I recommend having something happy planned for afterwards, because when cowboy steals $2M in drug money thinking he can outrun the psychotic assassin sent to recover it, it cannot end well for anyone connected and it does not. After all, this is based on a novel by Cormac McCarthy who just won a Pulitzer Prize for a bleak novel about a post-apocalyptic world. Happily ever after is not what he does. Much has been said about Javier Bardeem’s turn as the assassin with the odd pageboy haircut and every single bit of it deserved. He’s carved out a place for himself in cinematic bad guy history with this one. Josh Brolin is the cowboy not as smart as he thinks when he takes the money, but, ironically, his trouble starts not when he takes the money, but when he goes back to the scene for an act of mercy to a man he left dying. That single merciful misstep is when he gets found out and all his trouble begins---though it’s made clear Bardeem would have pretty much killed everyone in a ten-mile radius until he found the money. Basically, if you’ve seen him, you die. His primary method of dispatching people with the stun-gun cattlemen use to kill livestock. It’s unique and terrifying. But not as terrifying as he is with his croak of a voice and menacing manner. Every conversation he has is tense because there’s a 99% he’s going to kill that person no matter what. Your only salvation is a coin toss he offers, but he almost never offers it. Tommy Lee Jones is here as the sheriff of the small town trying to get to Josh Brolin before Javier Bardeem does and supplies a great deal of the dry wit present in the movie. In fact, most of humor comes from the tried and true Coen Brothers source: the folksy ways of ordinary people. But his sheriff is weary and doesn’t see a place for himself in the world that’s coming. A world that could produce a killer like Bardeem. You start by looking forward to his showdown with Bardeem, but as time passes and you see what an unstoppable force Bardeem his, you wonder if Tommy Lee Jones is, in fact, his immovable object. Though like a lot of movies you have to give this a certain amount of suspension of disbelief, given that Javier Bardeem could leave such a trail of blood and not attract more law enforcement attention. Or that his employers would want him generating a body count for just that reason (though the American half of the drug deal seems to have that very concern and sends Woody Harrelson to kill him). Also, in cattle country no one recognizes the device he’s using to kill people even though Tommy Lee Jones actually describes it in another scene for a separate matter? And the film takes place in 1980, not that you’re told. It’s just something you have to decipher for yourself, which is a problem in a rustic setting because things just aren’t that different on the surface. God knows cowboy fashion has pretty much been the same since the 50’s.

YOU KNEW IT WAS AN UNSTABLE, THANKLESS JOB WHEN YOU TOOK IT
Okay, so the Writer’s Guild is striking and while this will throw a huge crimp into my life which is 90% TV, I must side with my brethren on this and if you’re wondering who’s right and who’s wrong in this, know that former CEO of Disney, Michael Eisner, is against the strike. That’s like OJ Simpson coming out against safety handles on knives. His mere support of it lets you know that side is wrong. A rule of thumb is this: if the millionaires are for it and the people who aren’t millionaires are against it, chances are it’s nothing less than the purest evil. Even amongst the writers, the guys who are writer/producers are the people you hear hedging. Why? Because they make more money! This not just about DVD money, but the money to be made online. The studios insists that no money is being made there so there’s nothing to share, but he writers are going hardline on this because they got fucked as hard you can get fucked over home video twenty years ago. Also there’s a shitload of advertising on every network site and I sincerely doubt they’re giving that space away.

THE NAKED AND THE DEAD
Death took a heavyweight this week in Norman Mailer and somewhere Gore Vidal is having a drink. The man has been the face of American Literature for the last fifty years part of the post-WWII movement that defined “modern.” He also was a bit of a blustering macho Hemmingway type, which is to say he was pussy trying to be tough because everyone knows writers are anything but, no matter much they think or how many women they sleep with. And in Mailer’s case, stab.

YOU CAN GET MORE WITH A YOGA STICK AND SMILE THAN JUST A SMILE
If you’d asked me who killed that real estate broker last week, I could have pointed you in the direction of the beleaguered assistant who snapped under one insult too many and clubbed her to death with yoga sticks (talk about your Upper East Side deaths; not too many poor people die yoga related deaths). But here’s the fun part: not only did this happen at my old real estate agency, Prudential Douglas Elliman, but it was my old temp agency, Axion, that placed her there! Obviously the goal was to kill all their top brokers. Unfortunately, I failed in my assignment because you can’t kill what isn’t alive. I hope this keeps her up at night. It’s good for people to fear that being an asshole one too many times will get you killed…especially if you’re rude to the sociopath with a criminal history who happens to be your assistant. I’ll bet you this is on Dick Wolfe’s list for Law & Order story ideas the moment the writer’s strike ends.

THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR...CASUAL WEAR

1. American Gangster/Universal Wknd/$ 46.3 Total/$ 46.3
2. Bee Movie/Dreamworks Wknd/$ 39.1 Total/$ 39.1
3. Saw IV/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 11.0 Total/$ 51.1
4. Dan In Real Life/Touchstone Wknd/$ 8.1 Total/$ 23.0
5. 30 Days of Night/Sony Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 34.2
6. The Game Plan/Disney Wknd/$ 3.9 Total/$ 82.0
7. Martian Child/New Line Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 3.7
8. Michael Clayton/Warner Wknd/$ 2.9 Total/$ 33.2
9. Why Did I Get Married/LGF Wknd/$ 2.7 Total/$ 51.2
10. Gone Baby Gone/Miramax Wknd/$ 2.4 Total/$ 14.9

UNSCARRED-FACE
American Gangster opens at number one and this barely covers Denzel Washington’s salary as he’s been paid $40M to do this movie. See they tried to make this two years ago with Antoine Fuqua as the director and with Benicio Del Toro in the Russell Crowe role. Denzel had a $20M pay-or-pay deal, which means you pay him $20M if you make the fucking thing or not. They did not and he got paid. And when they decided to try and make it again, they had to pay him again. This is the true story of Frank Lucas, who became the biggest gangster in NYC when he became the heroin source in New York by using the US Military to convey it, specifically, putting it in the coffins of dead servicemen. It’s a miracle it took this long to for someone to make a movie about it (or simple racism and you know that’s not a position I casually jump to). Given you’ve got such a compelling story this should have been a better movie. But then it was directed by Ridley Scott and it becomes a surprise it’s this good. No, I still don’t like Ridley Scott because he’s still a guy not that interested in characters or important telling details. Frank Lucas goes from saying he’s at the end of his money to buying his mother a mansion without any hint of the time that’s passed. We don’t know how long he’s been this super-dealer until Russell Crowe mentions at the end how long he’s been doing it. He brings his brothers up to run his operation (imitating the Italian model by keeping it all in the family to insure loyalty and trust) and this is done instantly and is a mystery to us, again, until Russell Crowe explains it. Crowe also gets better characterization than Denzel because we never get a clue inside of the man. He’s more like an android built the take the place of a gangster, than the pure sociopath he’d to be do in order to do what he does. He was the driver of famous gangster Bumpy Roberts (making this an odd sequel to Hoodlum, starring Lawrence Fishburne, about Bumpy’s rise to power), but we never know how that shaped him until, again, Russell Crowe lets us know and it’s only in his presence that Lucas provides a clue of how the man was made and what shapes his worldview. And I’m just not buying Russell Crowe as a Jewish cop “from the neighborhood.” Sorry, I’m just not. He gets more details to his character as a cop who turns in a million dollars in unmarked cash, but still hangs out with childhood friends who are mob members. An honest cop but an unrepentant womanizer who fights for custody of his son mainly to just to defeat his ex-wife. Get it? He’s complex! Ridley Scott can show you these things, but he has no clue as to how to make you feel it. Oh, and it’s too long.

BEE MINUS
Bee Movie opens at number two and for a funny animal movie not from Pixar, it’s not awful, but yet another example of how good they are at what they do and why everyone else pales in comparison. Oddly enough Jerry Seinfeld is part of the problem because his humor of “didya ever notice” is the dominant tone of the movie and at the movie’s lowest point, it becomes little more than his schtick animated. I’m having trouble even talking about this because I can barely remember what happened in the 97 minutes of this movie. But I do remember laughing because even bad Seinfeld is still funnier than most. The movie does have a funny premise: a bee goes into the world only to discover that humans are stealing honey from bees they keep as slaves, so he sues them. In fact the trial was the funniest part (it’s all coming back to me). This level of utter absurdity throughout would have served this film well. In fact, just letting Seinfeld write and not allowing him the lead role also would have been better. Matthew Broderick is his sidekick and I think he’s got a little comic timing under his belt, so he should have been the lead as Seinfeld’s a lousy, lousy actor when playing anything other than his cool, sociopathic self. Being just a voice doesn’t change that. In fact when Chris Rock shows up, it’s like a duel between the two worst comedic actors working.

THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF WINNING BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Saw IV is down to number three followed by Dan In Real Life and also in this is Juliette Binoche, still struggling to recover from the curse of Best Supporting Actress which was inflicted on her a decade ago with The English Patient. She insisted that doing this film was not “selling out” on her part, making her delusional as well as cursed. This is nothing but selling out. Hell, it’s selling out on Steven Carell’s part!

FUNNY BOOKS FOR SIMPLE PEOPLE
30 Days of Night is down to number five and while this was first a success in comics, it actually began a movie pitch, didn’t sell and so was turned into a comic, which is actually ideal because it provides a visual execution of the concept. This is perfect for illiterate business majors who sign off o decisions like this. Lots of pictures and none of that heavy reading that requires you to imagine things yourself. Believe it or not, there’s an entire industry of non-superhero work in comics that’s actually pretty good. Granted I read very little of it, but what I do touch on is worth your time. In fact one of the things I’m really looking forward to is Pax Romana, a series about the future where Islam is the dominant religion in the world, the Catholic Church getting its hands on a time machine and goes back to change things---starting by sending an army from the future to the first Christian emperor, Constantine. Needless to say, things will go wrong. The other idea that is a movie-waiting-to-be-made is The Light Brigade, which is of a army unit in WWII that finds itself fighting zombie troops raised by angels in their civil war that has fallen to earth. Bad angels with Nazis, good angels with Allies with a climatic battle at a monastery to protect the Sword of God. Oh, and did I mention the main character is Greek American soldier who’s lost his faith since the death of his wife? Yeah, I can’t believe it’s not coming out next summer either. But Batman: The Dark Knight is and that’s what I’d rather see anyway.

MORE ABOUT COMICS BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND
The Game Plan is down to number six and speaking of comics, the proof of why falling stars do family films is what happens when they are successful, like this trip. The Rock suddenly has a little clout, so when he says he’s set on playing the character of Black Adam, the prime enemy of Captain Marvel (HIS NAME IS NOT FUCKING SHAZAM!!!), this makes that movie’s production a lot more likely, because while he cannot carry it, as a bad guy he’d guarantee a certain audience. And it’s a wise move for him, because it means he doesn’t have to carry the movie. Unlike, say, The Sub Mariner movie he was also mentioned for. And yeah, he’d be perfect for both roles. Muscular? Widow’s peak? Vaguely ethnic? He’s your guy.

SAY ANYTHING? MORE LIKE “BE IN ANYTHING”
The Martian Child opens at number seven and how can John Cusack look at himself in the mirror? He’s such a pretentious prick but now is a painful sellout. Now he’ll pretty much do anything for a check, including warm and fuzzy family fare like this. Bear in mind this is guy who mocked crap like Indecent Proposal and Point of No Return (the lousy La Femme Nikita remake with my beloved Bridget Fonda) in interviews. And what’s he doing now? Must Love Dogs and 1408. Whore.

NOT A DOCUMENTARY ON THE MAKING OF DISNEY WORLD
Michael Clayton is down to number eight and I will see this, I swear. Just not so long as there’s something more fun to see. One main reason is I’m a fan of Queen Unisex herself, Tilda Swinton (who could be Cate Blanchett’s odd sister) who’s also in this. I’ve liked her since Orlando and if you’ve never seen it, you’re missing out on a beautiful little movie (nominated for Best Art Direction and Costume Design). It begins with Quentin Crisp as Queen Elizabeth and only gets better from there. Most of you, however, know her as the angel Gabriel in Constantine.

EASY READER SAYS, “DID YOU READ CATCHER IN THE RYE, BITCH!?!”
Why Did I Get Married is down to number nine, followed by Gone, Baby, Gone, closing out the top ten at number ten and also in this is Morgan Freeman and you know what he needs to do? Play a really bad guy, because I’m sick of this “benevolent patriarch” routine. Even when he was Easy Reader on The Electric Company I knew he wasn’t a guy who’d take a lotta shit. Easy Reader kinda looked like a pimp, so there was always this implied threat that he’d take a car antenna to you if you didn’t do your assigned reading. And am I the only person who remembers that his first breakout role onscreen was as a vicious pimp in Street Smart?

BLOOD AND SUCKING BUT NOT IN A GOOD WAY
Halloween in NYC is scary, so I usually spend it hiding indoors. I did my time out and about in the village trying to get into overcrowded bars when I was a kid. This year I spent it with former vampire, Chasing Amy. Yes, when she was younger she was one of those people who spent their time dressed up like they were extras in Amadeus…or in a New Romantic band. She never went so far as to do the teeth thing, but she’s got plenty of embarrassing photos involving heavy eyeliner, fishnets and obviously gay boyfriends in pirate shirts. We’ve been trying to do a vampire marathon for awhile now, but this seemed to be the right time. Also, we had to break in her blender, which meant one thing: frozen margaritas. The first time I’ve ever made them outside my home. We only made it through one movie and that was Rise: Blood Hunter a vampire movie with Lucy Liu and Carla Gugino. It was released in maybe one theater and that was one too many. Lucy Liu plays a journalist who stumbles on real vampires and is converted into one of them. She then starts killing them off in revenge. The major flaw in this movie is that it attempts to somewhat “de-glamorize” the vampire existence and who the fuck wants that!?! Vampires in this don’t have super-strength or fangs (they use the little cross-blades from The Hunger---which Chasing Amy recognized instantly as it was probably a defining film in her life). They don’t even have a cool underground club where they hang out. But the most disappointing part is that they can have their asses kicked like anyone else. We know this because Lucy Liu spends half the movie unconscious. I stopped counting the fourth time she was knocked out. And then there’s the utter lack of sex appeal. You have Lucy Liu, who isn’t opposed to nudity in a vampire threesome and it’s not played up to maximum erotic effect. Do they seduce her and make her member of this un-dead ménage a trios? Nope. She’s raped and fed on by the first guy, then finished off by the girl, played by Carla Gugino, in another waste of a hot babe. Yeah, there’s no girl-on-girl action here so save your money. Then comes her wussy vampire hunter efforts. Unlike Blade and Buffy, vampires here know no martial arts, which is incredibly stupid because Lucy Liu actually does! So you’ve got a hot actress who does nudity and martial arts and you put her in a movie with no sex or fight scenes. And I’m sorry, Lucy Liu is 5’ tall, so unless you make her some sort of ass kicker she doesn’t come across as any sort of intimidating “hunter” of any kind. That getting knocked out every five seconds doesn’t help. The ultimate crime is that this is one of Mako’s last films. Not that he didn’t make a lot of crap, but it would have been better if Avatar: The Last Airbender was the end of the line.

BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN
So I’m almost totally back to normal, resuming all my old habits, bad and good. I returned to the gym…and it still sucks. I hate working out and I hate it even more now that the pool is closed for a week and all I can do is lift weights. Aside from boredom, I have the fear of becoming one those short guys who go “wide” because they can’t go “up.” Not that I work out hard enough to make that even a remote possibility. I also bought a new pair of boots. I had to. As some sort of odd benefit of having a subscription, GQ sent me a $50 card for Kenneth Cole that had to be used within two weeks. I had no choice but to buy that pair of boots I saw a month ago. Unfortunately I had to do it alone now that my shopping companion, The Libertine, has left me for a job in South Carolina. I can’t remember the last time I had to buy shoes using just my own opinion. Granted, it’s almost always right, but it still helps to have someone there to validate it. This time I went brown because all my other boots are black. This decision was supported by all my sisters (the ones my parents gave me and the ones I made myself). Though I was somewhat insulted Surrogate Sister asked me if I had a brown belt to match them. What part of “GQ subscription” did she not understand!?!

HE SAID HE’D NEVER LEAVE IN AUTUMN. HE LIED.
So Porter Wagoner is gone along with Robert Goulet, reminding me that I don’t have the Camelot soundtrack on CD. It’s a dull movie, but the music is great. Also gone is Friedman Paul Erhardt, who was a chef and the inspiration for the Swedish Chef on The Muppet Show. Yeah, now you’re feeling the loss.