WHO WEARS SHORT SHORTS

1. Wall-E/Disney Wknd/$ 62.5 Total/$ 65.2
2. Wanted/Universal Wknd/$ 51.1 Total/$ 51.1
3. Get Smart/Warner Wknd/$ 20.0 Total/$ 77.3
4. Kung Fu Panda/Paramount Wknd/$ 11.7 Total/$ 179.3
5. The Incredible Hulk/Universal Wknd/$ 9.2 Total/$ 115.5
6. The Love Guru/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.4 Total/$ 25.3
7. Indiana Jones 4/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.0 Total/$ 299.9
8. The Happening/Fox Wknd/$ 3.9 Total/$ 59.1
9. Sex & The City/New Line Wknd/$ 3.8 Total/$ 140.1
10. You Don’t Mess With The Zohan Wknd/$ 3.2 Total/$ 91.2

I ROBOT
To no one’s surprise, Wall-E opens at number one and the Pixar animation juggernaut continues unabated. Yeah, Cars and Ratatouille were nowhere near the level of The Incredibles and even this isn’t on the level of it or Finding Nemo, but it’s a step up from the previous two. Wall-E is actually a Waste Allocation Load Lifter Earth class. He’s the last one still doing his job on a now-abandoned earth, building literal skyscrapers of garbage. Wall-E also collects pieces he finds interesting, which include a videotape of Hello, Dolly he’s rigged to play on an iPod. Wall-E is also very lonely, despite the company of apparently the last living thing on earth, his pet cockroach (whom he feeds Twinkies, which have survived the apocalypse just as predicted). So the humans send an Extra Terrestrial Vegetation Evaluator, aka, Eve (which is both a stretch and wrong, and should either be TVE since it’s originally from Earth to begin with or ETVE) and Wall-E falls immediately in love---despite the fact she’s got an itchy trigger finger and almost kills him twice. Wall-E courts Eve by showing her the things he’s collected from human trash and one of these just happens to be the first plant to grow on Earth in almost a millennia, which is exactly what Eve was there to find. This has her recalled to the human ship and Wall-E hitches a ride. Pixar films have never shied away from social criticism and if it wasn’t clear with the trash-filled Earth scenario, it comes with both barrels this time around, showing us a space-ship with humans so pampered by the robots they’ve built, they’re literally too fat to walk and are pretty much unaware of anything not on a video screen in front of them, including the stars they’re currently flying through. And apparently the world wasn’t being run by any government at the end, but a corporation called BNL (Big ‘n Large). Finally, there’s a direct shot at the president as well when “Stay the course” is used to advocate avoiding a creative change and maintaining an ultimately doom status quo. But the real story of Wall-E is, of course, him. Remember what I said about there being a lack of depth in Kung Fu Panda? Well, this has it in spades, as the first twenty minutes of the film are essentially silent as we discover what makes Wall-E, Wall-e and all the nuances of his personality. And like any good story much of what is laid down for you in beginning comes back for a pay-off in the end.

NICE PEOPLE DON’T SHOOT STRANGERS IN THE HEAD
Opening at number two, but with a pretty damn good box office is Wanted, the latest adapted-from-a-comic film this year, and the third this summer alone. And out of the three, I’d place it at number three, failing to have the personality of Iron Man and not fully engaging the essence of the work the way The Incredible Hulk did. The comic mini-series Wanted was about a world where super-villains won. They won, took over the world and then wiped the memories of everyone on earth about their victory. Why? Well, no one wants chaos, so they let the order stand but they live in impunity, doing whatever they like when they like. The central character is an angry, frustrated corporate drone who discovers that he’s the son of the greatest assassin who ever lived and now he’s going to take his father’s place. He’s jumps at the chance to literally rape, maim and murder. It’s the blackest humor possible with no bounds of taste, allowing the protagonist (he ain’t no hero) at one point to essentially rape Britney Spears just because he can (and this is after murdering a precinct full of cops). And I hate to say it, but this movie lacks that dark anarchic energy. In this movie the protagonist is the same suffering drone, but when he is inducted into the Fraternity of Assassins, he doesn’t do what pretty much anyone would do if they became a superpowered assassin: kill every person who ever pissed him off. This is part of the cost of dropping the plot of the book about evil winning. They’re now “good assassins.” They kill for the greater good, because the people selected would apparently go on to cause greater harm, as shown to us in a ridiculously heavy-handed flashback involving Angelina Jolie’s character. Since they’re not technically “evil” they can’t go around doing superego type shit. Also, in the original work, war ultimately breaks out between the super-villains with some wanting to openly rule the world and terrorize humanity rather than just rule quietly (one Nazi supervillain is pissed he wasn’t allowed to kill all the Jews when they won). Now it’s apparently just one member of the Fraternity coming after them. One guy versus all the other assassins in the world. Pardon me if I’m not feeling a sense of conflict or dramatic tension. At the very least it should have been an entire group who’d broken off. But the biggest disappointment is the waste of Angelina Jolie as a total badass. With no one to really fight, we don’t get to really see her cut loose and unleash mayhem. Also, in the book her character is the lover of the main character. Not here. That trailer is deliberately cut to make it look like they have a sex scene and all they essentially share a single kiss. But if all you need are some incredible looking stunts involving flying cars and bending bullets, this is your flick. I would have preferred they at least kept the social satire that started off the film, with moments like his ATM telling him he’s a loser, or when he smashes the face of his supposed best friend (whom his girlfriend is sleeping with) with a keyboard and the flying keys spell out “F-u-c-k-y-o” with the “u” being filled out by a bloody loose tooth. This all stops the moment the assassin storyline begins and doesn’t come back until the last minute of the movie. Robocop showed you could have both action and satire, but apparently the producers missed that.

LISTEN, BUD, ACTION IS THEIR REWARD
Get Smart is down to number three and remember when I said the family film was a flotation device of a failing career which is why The Rock was doing them? Well, he pretty much owns up to it in a recent interview in Entertainment Weekly and is reinventing himself as a family film guy. On one hand you have to respect someone who reads the writing on the wall and would rather rule in hell than serve in heaven. On the other hand…what a pussy. You didn’t seen Dolph Lundgren, Jean Claude-Van Damme or Steven Segal wuss out like that when their big screen action careers failed. To this day, you can find them on cable in a movie that was made last year that you’ve never heard of with the words “Death” “Kill” “Blood” or “Vengeance” in the title. That’s what real men do. They continue working even though the average moviegoer thinks they died in car crash in 2003 (come on, you all thought Jean Claude was dead). Oh, and he’s dropping “The Rock” too and trying to just go by “Dwayne Johnson” apparently forgetting no one on earth wants to be called “Dwayne” which is why he started calling himself “The Rock” to begin with.

EVEN ANGELINA IS MUY MACHO
Kung Fu Panda is down to number four and given that Angelina Jolie is one of the voices here, it gives us two films where she’s wasted, though her Tigeress character does get a little more time than the others. Ironically, the flashback here explaining her current character works better than the one in Wanted. Then again, who wouldn’t be moved by the sad face of a baby kung fu tiger? Shut up. I’m still more man than Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

THE OTHER PASTY MIDDLE AGED INDIE DUDE IN THIS MOVIE
The Incredible Hulk is down to number five and also in this is Tim Blake Nelson as Samuel Sterns whom most comic fans (aka, geeks) know will become one of The Hulk’s biggest foes, The Leader. They actually set it up pretty well, as even before the machinations that will lead to him changing occur, you can see he’s pretty much a mad scientist already. The gamma radiation is just putting gasoline on a fire. Tim Blake Nelson does a really nice job here and I’m glad to see him making a little loot after years doing solid indie film work. He was also reduced to doing family films, but you won’t see him acting like it’s something he wants to do. Maybe he should start calling himself “The Rock.” He certainly deserves it more.

THERE ARE PLENTY OF SECOND ACTS IN AMERICAN LIVES. THIRD IF YOU COUNT CABLE.
The Love Guru is down to number six and while this is currently seen as a failure, the Entertainment Weekly article on Mike Meyers points out that the original Austin Powers wasn’t that big a hit. It was home video where it was ultimately successful, so that when the second film came out it was a major production. So this isn’t as over as you might think. It could become a favorite of stoned college students everywhere and ultimately save him. Though I hope not.

IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE IT’S TRUE
Indiana Jones and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is down to number seven and Shia LeBeouf blows. Yes, we’re gonna rip on him until this damn film is gone from the top ten.

THEY HAVE BEEN TO THE MOUNTAIN TOP
The Happening is down to number eight and Zooey Deschanel is in this and like virtually every member of the cast of almost famous she seems doomed for it to be the best movie pretty much she will ever make, because most of them have not made a film as good or better since it came out eight years ago and that includes writer/director Cameron Crowe. Philip Seymour Hoffman and Frances McDormand have persevered, but they were making good films even before that. All the kids, however, have been ruined by doing something so great, so early. Though I’m not sure what’s Cameron Crowe’s excuse.

MONEY AND HER POCKET
Sex and the City is down to number nine and this has made $311M worldwide and Kim Catrall was right to shut this fucker down until all the actresses were paid the same, because as a producer Sarah Jessica Parker will be getting cut of that money while the other actresses will not. And they really need to let the idea of a sequel go. They’re all married moms now, so what stories are really left to tell? And age-wise we’re getting to the point where those jokes about it being like The Golden Girls are too close to the truth to be funny.

BUT I’M THINKING NOT SO POPULAR IN SAUDI ARABIA
Finally, You Don’t Mess With The Zohan is down to number ten and apparently Israelis love this freaking movie because it actually addresses how many of them would like to get out and get away from the fighting all the time. I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day, so it was only a matter of time before some truth appeared in his comedy. Damn sure aren’t many laughs in it.

BESIDES, EVERYONE LOVES A TRAMP
So I was going to cancel my Showtime when The Tudors ended this season, but I was quickly sucked into Diary of a Call girl. Light-hearted sexual fluff involving accents. I’m really not hard to please. This was apparently a cause for scandal in England when it premiered because they felt it showed the life of a whore to be a desirable one. Well, shit, MASH didn’t exactly make war in Korea look depressing, but I’m sure no one thought that. I’m also sure no suburban moms are taking up pot dealing because of how it looks for Mary Louise Parker on Weeds. Lighten up, people. This is supposedly based on the writing of a real life hooker. Again, if she thinks she’s empowered having guys like Elliot Spitzer in her various orifices for money, you should pity her, not hate her. And we’re all whores for something. Prostitutes are just a little more honest about it. What I’d do for a flatscreen TV would sicken and disgust you. And be available on Pay-Per-View for $9.99.

MEN IN BLACK AND GRAY
Also on my summer viewing list (cause going outside is for losers) is The Middleman a little Men In Black type show where a young girl is recruited into a secret organization that fights threats to the Earth by aliens and mad scientists (like Men In Black, it too was based on a comic book). A lot of the jokes are very geek in jokes because I don’t think the average person is going to understand why the main character was offended when asked which Flash she loved, “Barry Allen or Wally West?” See, you don’t get that and you shouldn’t, but I did and laughed my ass off. The Middleman himself is an all American squared jawed hero who eschews cursing and drinks milk while slamming a goomba’s head repeatedly into the side of a car. But part of the joke is he knows he’s an all-American square jawed hero. The pithy back and forth between the two of them can seem a little forced, but works for the most part. The female lead is Natalie Morales, who is apparently the girl you call when Rosario Dawson isn’t available and cup size isn’t a deal breaker. She even wears the glasses. This makes perfect sense given Dawson is a geek favorite and was in Men In Black 2.

SALES OF NAIR SUDDENLY SHOT UP
Okay, so where was I when short-shorts took over and just became shorts so every woman everywhere is now wearing them? Apparently the standard is now to end at buttock, while every man including myself is running around in cargo shorts that are lucky to stop at the knee. I’m trying to enjoy the maximum exposure of flesh I really am, but I’m old and seeing a 16-year-old girl like that only makes me feel creepy. Also, some people need to be covered, period. Flabbly thighs need to be covered as much as humanly possible. I don’t care if it’s hot! I’m not showing my man boobs and hiding my gut as much as possible, so you cover that shit up too.

DID I MENTION I WAS WEARING MY SUPERMAN SHIRT THE ENTIRE TIME?
Earlier this summer the Metropolitan Museum of Art opened an exhibit called “Superheroes: Fashion and Fantasy” in the costume wing. I was waiting for the crowds to die down before I could see it, but honestly, if Former Movie Buddy hadn’t wanted to see it as well I probably would have let it slip past me like so many other exhibits. She brought her daughter as well, so I continued my program of corruption by bringing her a Superwoman figure. It was originally Supergirl but in retrospect I decided for a dark haired 3-year-old, a blonde in a mini-skirt and midriff was inappropriate and possibly damaging. She’ll find out soon enough the tyranny of skinny blondes that exists (if she doesn’t know already, being a child model), so we’re not going to rush into it. Superwoman is from universe where all the roles are reversed and she fights alongside Batwoman and Wonder Warrior, but she’s still Kal-El from Krypton, raised by The Kents on a farm just like Superman---who is pretty much the first thing you see when you enter the exhibit JUST LIKE GOD INTENDED. The costume on display for Superman is the Christopher Reeve version which is good, but why not the new one which was much more detailed and intricate? I mean, this is about fashion, after all. Next to the most famous superhero is the most popular: Spider-man. They had both the red and blue original as well as the black costume, along with “fashions influenced” by it from well-known designers, which is of course shit you’d never wear. Rather than being broken up by hero or genre, it’s broken up by the “body” represented. Superman and Spider-man were “the Graphic Body” while Wonder Woman was “the Patriotic Body.” Sadly because there’s not yet a Captain America movie, there was no representation of the most famous “patriotic body” and the Wonder Woman costume Lynda Carter wore was poorly maintained. It was horribly faded as if they left it out in the sun. And it was only the modern version with the high cut crotch. “The Virile Body” was represented by The Hulk and The Thing, but they didn’t have any costumes for them, only the fashion interpretations of this type of “rock hard” body, which basically meant shoulder pads, like a football player. No, I didn’t get it either. And why none of the Fantastic Four costumes from the movie? “The Paradoxical Body” was pretty much the fucked up way women are represented in comics, which is why I had to change what gift to give. They had the Catwoman costume with subsequent fashion versions, but only one. No Juliet Newmar or Halle Berry. Only Michelle Pfeiffer’s. Batman and Iron Man were “the Armored Body” and they had Christian Bale’s outfit and the silver Iron Man armor. Again, if anything was a fashion-type outfit it was that nipple shit that George Clooney wore and it should have been there. And this is the fucking Met. You couldn’t get the red-and-gold Iron Man? There was “the Aerodynamic Body” as demonstrated by the skintight outfits that athletes wear and their inspiration was The Flash, but they wisely didn’t have that crap outfit from the TV show. “The Mutant Body” was just the feathered stuff Rebecca Romijn wore and none of the actual black costumes from the X-Men Movies. Ghost Rider and The Punisher represented “The Post Modern body”, but again, they only had The Punisher and not Ghost Rider. Ultimately, I was disappointed because there was sooo much missing and I can’t believe the Met couldn’t get it if they really wanted it. So in addition to multiple Superman, Batman, Catwoman, Iron Man and Wonder Woman costumes, X-Men costumes, Fantastic Four costumes, , we should have also seen Supergirl, Daredevil, Elektra, Blade, The Crow and Judge Dredd just to name a few. Apparently no geeks are working for The Met.

MEAN GIRLS
So after seeing the Met exhibit I actually took my ass out to Brooklyn to drink with my Jezebel girls. I’d normally have blown it off, but since we’ve had a no kung-fu week because of my leg, might as well top it off with some boozing. I was early and hadn’t eaten so I stopped at this little seafood type of place on Smith near the bar. It was fine---until I pulled the hair out of my mouth while eating fries. See, this is why I don’t leave the city. 25 years in Manhattan and no hairs in the food. At least it was a long hair so I knew it came from someone’s head. The group has been getting together enough now that a hierarchy has formed no matter what anyone says. There are queen bees now and once the group reached maximum capacity, they broke off to go smoke outside and pretty much didn’t come back. Just like in high school, the cool kids always smoke. The remainders of us inside were obviously the AV squad, but ultimately I feel it was a matter of the weather. It was hot and not having a nicotine addiction I wasn’t going to endure it when I could drink inside with the AC. Besides, inside we got to hear stories from Muscha Girl (the girl with the Muscha tattoo on her back, only this time we got to see the Jean Gray Phoenix tattoo below it) about buying clothes for John Rhys Meyers who greeting them at the door wearing nothing but boxers and Doc Martens and then proceeded to hit on both of them. Then there was the opportunity to live in a huge duplex in SoHo for only $700 a month---if she was willing to occasionally walk around bottomless. Since we were all jaded New Yorkers, no one responded with “Ew, pervert.” No we instead asked about details such as, if this would include utilities and maybe cable? Look, I like to be naked at home anyway, so this would have been no problem for me. The Queen Bees eventually came inside where the shot drinking and picture taking began until we adjourned for the “after party” at the lawyer’s duplex after making a food and beer run. But it was more weed smoking than drinking at this point, so I was literally and figuratively the odd man out. But was good, because they probably would have burned the place down as only I remembered the frozen pizza was done cooking. There’s always a moment in the night when you know you’re done. In this case it was when women begin yelling at each other, “Get your tits out!” So I and the other Manhattan resident hopped in a cab to make the journey home, swearing the next gathering would be in the city or would not see us. I mean, if I wanted hair in my mouth while eating I’d be dating.

“GET OUT OF TOWN SHERIFF OR WE’LL FUCK YOU!”
So George Carlin died because apparently Death wanted a comedian who hadn’t been funny since 1978. Yes, yes, I know. He was one of the few entertainers who could actually be described as culturally significant, but after the famous “7 Dirty Words” and his bits on cowboy movies and the differences in baseball and football, he became just an angry old crank with an audience probably stoned so they’d laugh at anything or replaying older, funnier jokes in their heads.

GET STUPID

1. Get Smart/Warner Wknd/$ 39.2 Total/$ 39.2
2. Kung Fu Panda/Paramount Wknd/$ 21.7 Total/$ 155.6
3. The Incredible Hulk/Universal Wknd/$ 21.6 Total/$ 96.5
4. The Love Guru/Paramount Wknd/$ 14.0 Total/$ 14.0
5. The Happening/Fox Wknd/$ 10.5 Total/$ 50.3
6. Indiana Jones 4/Paramount Wknd/$ 8.4 Total/$ 290.8
7. You Don’t Mess With The Zohan Wknd/$ 7.2 Total/$ 84.1
8. Sex & The City/New Line Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 132.4
9. Iron Man/Paramount Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 304.8
10. The Strangers/Rogue Wknd/$ 1.9 Total/$ 49.6

WOULD YOU BELIEVE I COULD CARE LESS?
Get Smart opens at number one and somewhere Andy Dick is crying (he starred in a failed TV series where he played the son of Maxwell Smart). While I enjoyed the show as a kid, I’m not so devoted to it that going to see this was high on my list of priorities. Especially since, as I grew older, I developed an intolerance of humor based on someone being a moron (this is also why I don’t watch either version of The Office). Ironically, what I enjoyed most were the conclusions of the episodes, where they’d act like real secret agents and kick a little ass. This is why I also find it ironic that critics are complaining about the action quotient in the big screen version. The roots of it are in the show. But this adaptation is filled with actual missteps beginning with the casting. I know Steve Carell makes a good idiot, but Eric McCormack---who actually got started in acting because he love Don Adams, the original Maxwell Smart---would have been just as good, if not better and I would have been more inclined to go see him. Also—and you knew I was coming---what the fuck is 20-something Anne Hathaway doing playing Agent 99? Not since Julia Stiles played the world’s youngest CIA agent in the Bourne movies has there been such inappropriate casting for a role. Was every actress over 30 too busy for this? Actually, Catherine Keener, Carell’s 40-Year-Old Virgin co-star would have been fine as Agent 99, but she’s his age and we can’t have that. And last I heard both Buck Henry and Mel Brooks the creators of Get Smart were still alive and kicking. Why aren’t they involved in this? Oh, because they’re funny. I’ll watch this on cable in a year, mainly to see the Bill Murray cameo as Agent 13.

WHERE ARE THE GOOD ASS-KICKING SONGS?
Kung Fu Panda holds at number two and how sad is it that in 30 years no one has come up with a better martial arts song than “Kung Fu Fighting” by Carl Douglas? Needless to say, it’s used here over the closing credits like it was used over the closing credits to Kung Fu Hustle just a few years ago. At least this time around they actually changed the lyrics to reflect the movie. Now, I hate Jack Black and Cee-Lo, but I like what they’ve done to this song. They could have simply opted to use the Fatboy Slim dance remix version from a few years back. “One, two do the kung-fu/Three, four on the dance floor…” Shudder.

COMIC BOOK HISTORY 101 WITH PROFESSOR ANGRYGEEK
The Incredible Hulk is down to number three and the original was on TV this weekend and I cannot tell you what an improvement this is in terms of entertainment. However, it has no artistic style, whereas the Ang Lee version is dripping with it. Unfortunately, what it’s not dripping with is action, humor and some cheap fanboy thrills like a super villain to fight, the super-soldier serum that created Captain America being a plot point and the aforementioned appearance by Iron Man himself, Tony Stark. He tells General Thunderbolt Ross that they’re “putting a team together” which is obviously The Avengers. This is from that Ultimate universe line of Marvel Comics I told you about a few weeks ago, where Nick Fury looks like Samuel L. Jackson. In that version, The Ultimates (not Avengers) are formed by Nick Fury and Tony Stark. In the original version, Iron Man, The Hulk, Ant-Man, The Wasp and Thor come together to fight Thor’s evil brother, Loki (who hates that he inadvertently creates a force for good and never stops trying to destroy the team). Don’t lie. You always wanted to know that.

MUGGING IS CRIME FOR A REASON
The Love Guru opens at number four and given this lackluster response and the critical savaging this movie has taken, I’ll take it the world is where I was after the first Austin Powers movie: sick of Mike Meyers and his tireless mugging. To me the only funny part of Austin Powers was Dr. Evil BECAUSE HE NEVER BROKE CHARACTER! Which he obviously never stops doing here. And he’s got a shit reputation behind the scenes, to the point where Entertainment Weekly just did a story on it. This is a sure sign you’ve lost power when a mainstream magazine like EW feels free to take a shot at you. They’d never have done this when the second Austin Powers movie came out and he could do no wrong. I have zero interest in this, so this is yet another movie I’ll watch on cable next summer in pieces. And do I have to bring up the friggin’ age difference between Mike Meyers and Jessica Alba? Sigh.

IT’S NOT LIKE YOU WERE CLOSE TO THE DOPE WHITENESS THAT WAS 3RD BASS
The Happening is down to number five and right about now I’m thinking Mark Wahlberg wished he’d made more time for The Brazilian Job, which was to be the sequel to The Italian Job, one of the few caper films I can actually stand. And I find it odd he’s ashamed of his Marky Mark days. Douchebag, without Marky Mark as a stepping-stone, nobody knows your name. There but for the grace of god you’re not like your brother, whose TV show tanked last year so now he’s doing a New Kids on The Block reunion. Hell, you’re lucky you weren’t Snow. Licky-boom-boom down, asshole.

AND YOU THOUGHT KATE CAPSHAW WAS ANNOYING
Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is down to number six and say what you want about this movie, at least it didn’t include what was rumored and feared by millions the world over: Calista Flockhart, Harrison Ford’s real life girlfriend for a couple of years now. You think Shia LeBeouf sucks (and I do), imagine her in the Cate Blanchett role or some new love interest. Yes, that might mean no Shia LeBeouf at all, but that would mean not Karen Allen either, so it would have been much worse. I mean have you noticed absolutely no one remembers Ally McBeal? There’s no Ally McBeal movie in the works and I doubt you can even find it in syndication.

IT’S TINA FEY’S WORLD AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT
You Don’t Mess With The Zohan is down to number seven and between this and The Love Guru, I think it’s safe to say that the time of a certain generation of SNL vets has more than passed on the big screen. Not that it will ever be Andy Samberg’s time.

AND GIRLS WITH “GREAT PERSONALITY” EVERYWHERE CELEBRATE THEIR VICTORY
Sex & The City is down to number eight and speaking of Ally McBeal, this appeared one year later and made it clear just how much the character of Ally McBeal and that show sucked overall, as it has utterly eclipsed it in the minds of women everywhere. Probably because SATC had a strong female writing staff and Ally McBeal was all David E. Kelly, who hates women and so it never occurred to him that what they wear would matter beyond sticking them in inappropriate mini-skirts.

NEXT UP: ROBERT DENIRO AS THE RED SKULL?
Iron Man is down to number nine and as the villain in this is Jeff Bridges, as William Hurt is an antagonist in The Incredible Hulk and this is the continuation of a precedent set by Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor 30 years ago, the use of established actors who are normally leading men as your bad guy, to give some weight to the bad guy’s presence. And for them, well, it’s an easy payday and something their kids can see.

EITHER THAT OR FELICITY: THE MOVIE
Finally, The Strangers closes out the top ten at number ten and right now Scott Speedman is looking for that fourth Underworld movie since number three is going to be a prequel and have no place for him. Is it I just me or are he and Simon Baker (something new, The Devil Wears Prada) almost the same person?

DEATH LOVES MUSICALS…IT’S WHY SHE TOOK THE WHOLE GENRE
Death took a shot directly at me this week. While the rest of you were mourning Tim Russert, I was down on bended knee over the loss of Tula Ellice Finklea, aka, Cyd Charisse. One less goddess now walks the earth and I renew my call for a color of green dedicated solely to her, given how hard she rocked it in both Singing In The Rain and There’s Always Fair Weather. She had such an impact in Singing In The Rain, people tend to forget that Debbie Reynolds was Gene Kelly’s actual leading lady. They made up for this in both Brigadoon and There’s Always Fair Weather. She was supposed to have the Leslie Caron role in An American In Paris, which would have been amazing, as Leslie Caron is the gaping hole in that movie. She also originally had the Ann Miller role in Easter Parade, but she hurt her knee, so I guess that $5M insurance policy on her legs came in handy (adjusted for inflation that’s $39M). And to top it off, she turned down the lead in Funny Face, which is how we got yet another creepy casting with Audrey Hepburn and a dude old enough to be her father.

ALL WE’RE MISSING IS THE TOKEN BLACK GUY…WAIT, WAS THAT ME?
Apparently, I’m only meant to see pretty boys as yet another member of the Gossip Girl cast crossed my path, this time Serena’s gay little brother. But this trend led to one big time sighting. I’m limping along 54th street and suddenly a gorgeous girl on a bike crosses my path. I mean stunning. Tall, thin, beautiful…had to be a model. Oddly, she’s followed by some skeevy looking guy who seems totally out of place on a bike. He’s looking back to the third member of their party…Leonardo DiCaprio. Now the model on the bike made perfect sense, as did the goofball sidekick. It’s almost like his little bike party was cast; male superstar, beautiful model and comic relief.

I SHOULD HAVE KICKED HIM FROM THE HIP
Well my first month of Hung Ga Kung Fu has come to an end as has my three classes a week attendance, thanks to my first injury. Now, when I was young I was bored with forms in taekwondo class. I just wanted to fight. I was there to learn how to kick muthafuckas in the head, not pose. As I grew older my point of view changed. I came to understand just what my instructor meant when he called forms “moving meditation” and while kicking muthafuckas in the head was still important, it wasn’t a priority. Maybe if I had kept I a bit more of a priority, I could have stopped the young PhD candidate, whose only concept of control seems to be a Janet Jackson album, from kicking me in the leg so hard, I’ve been limping ever since and I won’t be back to class on Monday night. I’d forgotten that even when I liked sparring it sucked fighting the young guys whose adrenaline just turned them into bruise machines. While you were tapping them with control, they were nailing you at almost full force. The tough South American woman with the Kaballah bracelet popped me in the eye but she had control, so there wasn’t even a scratch. Of course, it was my right leg he nailed, because that would have been the one I would have subsequently used to kick him in his muthafuckin’ head. Now, just bending it is a problem, much less kicking muthafuckas in the head. I got myself some version of Ben Gay (it had one more active ingredient and I wanted all I could get) and quickly discovered the icy-burning cure is almost worse than the disease. At least this time I remembered to wash my hands before going to the bathroom. That’s an experience I don’t want to repeat…as oddly pleasurable though it may have been, like having sex with the Queen of Fire & Ice.

IT’S NOT COMPLICATED, JUST STUPID

So I read a somewhat favorable review of Denise Richards’ new reality show, It’s Complicated and decided to check it out. As you know, she’s the ex-wife of crazy ass Charlie Sheen (who once left a message calling her a “nigger”), though in one moment of clarity, he fought her to keep their daughters off this show. To be fair, they aren’t on much, but given how little they show, why have them on at all? The last non-competitive reality show I watched was The Osbornes all those years ago, so I’d forgotten they’re simply about nothing and if your subject isn’t wonderfully eccentric, it’s an exercise in tedium. This is truly an exercise in tedium, though she’s not totally without appeal and her widowed father who now lives with her (she looks like him) is just the sweetest guy in the world and you now see her attraction to douchebags is Freud in action. She’s just not attracted to dudes who remind her of her dad, meaning, never a nice guy will see her naked. Or as she candidly admits on the show, “I like hot, sexy guys with big dicks.” That’s the real reason I like her. There was no bullshit about liking guys who are “funny and smart” or pretending size doesn’t matter. I also like that she curses like a sailor to the point it’s even an issue on the show. She also has serious Midwestern accent that pops out a lot, like when she said John Stamos didn’t want to date a woman with kids, “But we had a good time!” See, she and John Stamos didn’t make a sex tape. Pretty people never do. Her sister and her best friend are also funny in that they’ll be brutally honest with her and tell her dressing like a whore and doing a second Playboy spread is not the wisest move if you’re trying to change your image. In the end, however, I wound up fast forwarding through most of it because it’s just not that interesting…which should be the name of the show.

INCREDIBLE JERK

1. The Incredible Hulk/Universal Wknd/$ 54.5 Total/$ 54.5
2. Kung Fu Panda/Dreamworks Wknd/$ 32.3 Total/$ 118.0
3. The Happening/Fox Wknd/$ 30.5 Total/$ 30.5
4. You Don’t Mess With The Zohan Wknd/$ 16.4 Total/$ 68.8
5. Indiana Jones 4/Paramount Wknd/$ 13.5 Total/$ 275.3
6. Sex & The City/New Line Wknd/$ 10.2 Total/$ 119.9
7. Iron Man/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 297.4
8. The Strangers/Rogue Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 45.4
9. Prince Caspian/Disney Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 131.7
10. What Happens In Vegas/Fox Wknd/$ 1.7 Total/$ 75.1

INCREDIBLE JERK
The Incredible Hulk opens at number one and this is what the first movie should have been, rather than Ang Lee’s dull, dense treatise on anger and relationships between fathers and sons (I sold my copy on eBay three years ago and haven’t been tempted to replace it). This is what you do with an A-list cast (Ed Norton, Liv Tyler, William Hurt, Tim Roth) in a comic book movie. Granted, I’m still geek enough to be annoyed that no one ever thinks to include Rick Jones, whose character would provide some much needed comic relief, but this does have some semblance of levity, which the previous version was utterly lacking. Sorry, you can’t do a movie about a giant in purple pants and not have at one person making jokes about it. This also pays respect to the TV series. Both Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno make appearances and there’s also the piano theme that appeared at the end of every show. Simply put, this movie came to entertain and entertain it did. You’re paying to see Bruce Banner suffer under the weight of his curse, Betty Ross to cry for her love’s pain, General Thunderbolt Ross bark orders, the army to attack and for The Hulk to smash! And you get it all here. Ooh, and he actually says “Hulk smash!” in this one. Another big flaw in the first: no talking Hulk. This also clocks in at under two hours while this went almost two-and-a-half. Reportedly, Edward Norton isn’t doing press because he was unhappy with this cut of the film, which lost a good 70 minutes. Sorry, but if you can make a film shorter and shut Ed Norton the hell up, you’ve been very productive. He’s extra-sensitive on this one because he also co-wrote the screenplay, and would literally rewrite things every day (though he ultimately gets no credit). The cherry on top of this has been given away in the commercials: Robert Downey Jr. appears as Tony Stark dropping another hint about The Avengers. In addition there are references to Captain America if you know anything about the origin of the character. I was geeking pretty hard throughout.

MAYBE GRANDMASTER FLASH WIIL BE IN THE SEQUEL
Kung Fu Panda is down to number two and I’ve been sold on this since learning of the title two years ago. You can’t go wrong with Kung Fu Panda. Not even with Jack Black in it. And then you tell me that the animals in it are the actual animal styles of kung fu, tiger, crane, monkey, snake and mantis!?! And they’re called “The Furious Five!?!” Yeah, baby. And I’m not ashamed to admit I had a good time. Not actually seeing Jack Black helps tremendously. An actual panda is much more appealing than some panda-shaped dude. And they sit on his personality in favor of the character, which also helps tremendously. But don’t get me wrong. This ain’t Pixar, kids. There’s a notorious lack of depth and character development. You could barely fill a saucer with what’s going on here. What’s the point in having Angelina Jolie do a voice (she plays Tiger) if you’re not going to give her something to do than just be angry? And don’t get me started on the utter waste of none other than Jackie Chan as Monkey. The biggest martial arts star on the planet and he has maybe three lines. Sigh. But I give it points for actually trying to keep the martial arts accurate (and thanks to my recent classes, I could tell) and make each animal actually match the style that bears its name. Not only has the head animator at DreamWorks has studied martial arts for years, but they even went as far to have the animators take a few lessons. What’s funny is, as much as pandas are loved in Asia, they probably never would have made film like this, but yet another freaking Monkey King movie. Hell, even Forbidden Kingdom was in its heart about The Monkey King. The problem with monkeys is, as much as we love them, they’re too much like us, so there’s equal reason to hate them. Pandas, however, just look cuddly. And unlike say, other bears (yes, DNA shows them to be bears and not raccoons), you’ve never heard of someone being mauled to death in a panda attack. At worst, you’ll see that sneezing panda video and die of terminal cuteness.

NO RERUN AND ROG ARE NOT IN THIS
The Happening opens at number three and I am no fan of M. Night Shyamalan and his over-long Twilight Zone episodes and this doesn’t seem to be an exception. Something “happens” and people all over the world start killing themselves. Shymalan has already given away what the cause is, and while I won’t give it away it’s not a bad idea, it’s just that I’m not going to give him another chance with execution, much less subject myself to another one of his overlong cameos. You know Hitchcock never even spoke in his. Shymalan can’t be onscreen less than 15 minutes in his movies. Not since Woody Allen cast himself as Julia Roberts’ lover has a director been so self-indulgent.

ANNOYING IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY
You Don’t Mess With The Zohan is down to number four and I’ve never had any tolerance for Adam Sandler. He managed to hit the target once with Happy Gilmore (no, I never saw The Wedding Singer), but that’s it. I will acknowledge that he has grown up a little this time by not going back to his angry manchild shtick, but I still don’t care and it still looks stupid. An Israeli soldier who quits to be a hairdresser is a Saturday Night Live sketch, not a full-length movie and certainly not in the hands of Adam Sandler and his crew. And I sure as hell don’t want to see his 40-something ass with Emmanuelle Chiquri as his Palestinian love interest (yeah, there’s a whole “give peace a chance” sub-plot running through it). Apparently every actress over the age of 35 was unavailable for this.

INDIANA JONES AND YO’ MOMMA
Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is down to number five and word has leaked out about one of the earlier versions of this, Indiana Jones & The City of God where there was no freaking Shia LeBeouf character! Not to mention, Marion isn’t a kidnap victim, but running her own expedition that Indy joins. Unfortunately, there’s no place for Cate Blanchett in it either so obviously we’re forced to take the good with the bad here. There’s also the original version, Indiana Jones & The Saucer Men, which is the bullshit George Lucas want to do, but both Spielberg and Harrsion Ford said, “Hell, no!”

WAIT UNTIL THE SEQUEL: SATC 2 - VAGINAL DENTALIS
Sex & The City is down to number six and what the fuck is up with the reaction of some men to this movie? You’d think it was a movie called How To Castrate Men & Take Their Money they way they’ve been reacting. In a world where 99% of summer movies are directed at men where women are just there to be arm candy, you’d think just one that’s not for them wouldn’t be a problem. Au contraire. Apparently any role other than “Female Love Interest” is unacceptable to some douchebags. I can only surmise that more men have tiny, tiny dicks than I ever thought possible to be so threatened by one friggin’ movie. This is the real reason Buffy never really had a bigger audience

7 DEGREES OF COMIC BOOK FILMS
Iron Man is down to number seven, giving Robert Downey Jr, not just two movies in the top ten, but two movies in the top ten playing the same role, while The Strangers---which is down to number eight---also gives Liv Tyler two films in the top ten and one of those roles is in the same movie as Robert Downey Jr. Sigh. If only Kevin Bacon were here then we’d have a real game. Liv Tyler has said in a recent interview that Empire Records was one of the best times she ever had making a movie. Of course you did. You were young, making a movie with a bunch of other young people (like Renee Zellwegger, playing sexy for perhaps the last time) so it was probably a non-stop party. However, it remains a very crappy movie. And I wanted to like it. The best part of is that damn Gin Blossoms song.

TALES OF BARSOOM
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian is down to number nine and the failure of this is rumored to have sent Disney to try and develop Edgar Rice Burroughs’ John Carter Warlord of Mars series as its next franchise. This fills me with mixed emotions. I loved the John Carter books, but under Disney I see them hopelessly castrated. I’d rather them not be made than made poorly. Then again, I might get a Speed Racer situation where I love it just fine, but no one else does, so it remains mine all mine!

ONE DOES NOT LIVE BY SEQUELS ALONE
Finally, What Happens In Vegas closes out the top ten at number ten and this has made over a $100M overseas, so couple that with its $75M take here an you’ve not seen the last of Michael Kelso on the big screen any time soon. And this is a much-needed shot in the arm for Cameron Diaz, who hasn’t had a hit where you could see her face in quite awhile.

WHERE THEY LOVE THE GUVNA, WOO-OOH-OOH
So there was no top ten last week due the naked emotional manipulation by my family to force me to attend my cousin’s wedding in Birmingham, Alabama. They actually brought up not just my dead grandfather, but my grandmother’s advancing age as well. Bastards! When I insisted it was just a money issue, they cruelly offered to buy my $600 plane ticket, knowing that would make me feel like shit. But aside from the cost of the plane ticket (I managed to get it cheap on Priceline, thank you Captain Kirk), there was still that suit issue. Remember how I split the pants on it? Well, I managed to get out of going to a wedding with Chasing Amy (she reunited with her boyfriend in the nick of time), but this time I was just going to have to literally suck it up or…buy a new suit. Which is how I found myself in K&G looking at their 2-For-$150 sale the Thursday night before I left. I ultimately opted not to, but my family was not having it. When I got home, my dad used a connection to get the suit from K&G that I was unwilling to buy for myself. Only it was too big. At least to everyone but him. I don’t wear a 42 regular. I wear a 40 short. Emphasis on the “short.” My dad was so insistent that he was right and I was wrong, that when we went shopping for the tie I’d forgotten to bring, he had the salesmen bring me a jacket in a 42R to try on and get them to weigh in on it. Of course they said he was right. When I insisted the sleeves were too long, the salesman replied, “Oh, they’re all made that way to be tailored.” I was back home in the south so I couldn’t let 20+ years of New York living give the response I was thinking: “So, it’s a fucking racket is what you’re saying, ‘cause god fucking forbid I buy a goddamn suit that fits to begin with.” I have to admit however, that aside from the weight gain, the last couple of years of swimming have changed my shoulders to the point where I may need a new suit size. But that size ain’t 42R. Now, normally the rehearsal dinner for the bridal party alone, but that’s only when you haven’t turned the wedding into a makeshift family reunion, which is why we were all there. While I fought it tooth and nail I must admit I was pleased to see my extended family again, though my younger cousins being funnier than I am still bothers me to no end. The relative who I mentioned at Christmas as an undercover geek let me know he does read this and wondered if that title was a compliment. Dude, it is. Trust me on this. It’s always best to have people surprised you like comics than have them surprised you like football, which is the shit I get on a regular basis. He actually married my first cousin who was like my sister when we were kids (something my sisters repeated with their same age cousins). She told me their son had oddly turned out like me. I was a bit skeptical until he suddenly blurted out without provocation or encouragement “I like cheese.” I suddenly regretted I had so little time to spend with him to teach him the ways of Gouda. He also wanted to see Iron Man and Speed Racer but no one had taken him and I again cursed our limited time together. This boy needs geek schooling, stat! I made the best of what time we had by allowing him to take me through his Pokemon collection (which he apparently carries with him) and we made and threw paper airplanes until both our respective mothers told us to stop. But for the rest of the weekend he was known as my “shadow.” At this dinner, people were asked to give words of wisdom to the couple. My dad had a few drinks and instead made jokes about how hard marriage was. My mom understandably took umbrage at this and went and tried to repair the damage. Unfortunately she’d as had a few drinks. Ultimately, my sisters wound up apologizing to my cousin and his bride and pointed out that my our parents met when they were 13 and were still together at 60, so even if they couldn’t tell you how it works, they did really know. This was the same weekend of the east coast heat wave, so whatever you went through, I went through---only in Alabama and Georgia. Thankfully, it was not only a night wedding, but the church was air-conditioned and we arrived just minutes before it began. And it was only 30 minutes. Seriously, they got in and got out and I don’t think I loved my cousin more for it. But this is the south so if you were expecting the pastor to talk about how marriage was about love, think again. More than once it was mentioned how God should be feared and you were going to be judged and when the bride tried to just say “Love and honor” and leave out “obey” HE MADE HER DO IT AGAIN! See, this is when I would have told him to go fuck himself, south or no south. He should have been told beforehand, “You want your check? You better leave that ‘obey’ shit out.” The reception was at Vulcan Center & Observation deck in Vulcan Park, which is on top of Red Mountain. There’s a 56-foot statue there of the god, Vulcan, representing the city’s history as a steel-mining town (it was originally supposed to be in the center of the city, but he’s naked and a pagan, which ain’t happening in Birmingham). My mom actually ran down a brief history to where the men in her family worked in the various mills. As if to make up for the brief ceremony, the bride and groom took forever to get there, leading to one of my Bronx born cousins cursing out the poor lady in charge because we weren’t allowed into the dining area until they arrived. The highlight of the reception was when Shalamar’s “For The Lover In You” came up and pretty much every woman in my family jumped up and started stinging along, including my mom, which surprised me. I took photos and with every shot their group got larger and larger and larger… My second favorite moment was whenever the son of one of my other Bronx-born cousins would dance. He was also the ring bearer (his dad was one of the groomsmen), so he was in his is little tux cuttin’ up a rug. More than once his dad was told to get him an agent quickly, before the cute wears off. And yes, because this was a Black wedding, the night did not end before there was sliding going on. I don’t do that. And apparently neither does my “shadow” who never ventured once onto the dance floor. Excellent. You’ve learned well, young jedi. Though I hate to admit it I did enjoy the trip and am glad I went. I’m also doubly resolute that I will never put my family through such an event and will just elope to Vegas. When I told my mother she thanked me (though she questions my choice of Star Trek ceremony over Elvis). Now, I just have to get this friggin’ suit tailored…

ONLY LOSERS PLAY IN THE SUN
The summer TV season is here and I’m down for In Plain Sight, which will hopefully succeed the way Karen Sisco should have all those years ago. There just aren’t enough ass-kicking broads on TV. It tried a little too hard in the first episode of a wiseass US Marshal in charge of witness relocation, but it will hopefully settle down and make a nice companion show to Burn Notice, which returns in July. Also on the docket is She’s Got The Look, which could also be called America’s Top Middle-Aged Model (yes, they used that damn Roxette song). My reasons for watching are obvious. Hot women my own age. What could be better? What I like about it is that they don’t pretend these women are all neophytes. If you’re tall and attractive, you aren’t going to make it 40 years without someone, somewhere asking you to model and more than a few of these women are following up on a missed opportunity 20 years ago. But because it’s a reality show and we need drama, we include the 63-year-old woman and the painfully, insecure big black lesbian. My personal favorite is the 40-year-old belly dancer, Roxanne, because aside from looking a little like Joan Allen, she basically came to win and the others hate her for it (especially the California Blonde who is her only real competition). Totally confident, rocking the mid-riff the way few 40-somethings can and ultimately sabotaging herself while trying to make others look bad. Do I have to tell you she’s a redhead? Of course not! Just telling you she’s evil let you know that. I also like the 5’5” sista named Hope, because she confessed to liking 18-year-old guys. Needless to say, the mom who missed her family and the 63-year-old were the first to go and I think they only got rid of the mom (who looks like Cindy Crawford crossed with Sela Ward) to make cutting the old lady less obvious. They’ll probably cut the California Blonde alongside the Painfully Insecure, Big Black Lesbian to make that less obvious too. It’s odd this is hosted by Kim Alexis given that all the real supermodels from the 80’s are also in their 40’s now and would have been my first choice for a gig like this, but I guess they weren’t going to be a part of helping some new bitch take already scarce work away from them. Whereas Kim Alexis and Beverly Johnson really don’t have jobs to steal. Oh, shut up. You know it’s true.

EXCESS & THE CITY

1. Sex & The City/New Line Wknd/$ 55.7 Total/$ 55.7
2. Indiana Jones 4/Paramount Wknd/$ 46.0 Total/$ 216.9
3. The Strangers/Rogue Wknd/$ 20.7 Total/$ 20.7
4. Iron Man/Paramount Wknd/$ 14.0 Total/$ 276.6
5. Prince Caspian/Disney Wknd/$ 13.0 Total/$ 115.7
6. What Happens In Vegas/Fox Wknd/$ 6.9 Total/$ 66.1
7. Baby Mama/Universal Wknd/$ 2.2 Total/$ 56.1
8. Speed Racer/Warner Wknd/$ 2.1 Total/$ 40.6
9. Made of Honor/Sony Wknd/$ 2.0 Total/$ 43.0
10. Forgetting Sarah Marshall/Univer Wknd/$ 1.0 Total/$ 60.5

EXCESS & THE CITY
Sex & The City opens up at number one and this is pretty much been the female equivalent of the Super Bowl. Weeks of relentless hype for something that couldn’t possibly live up to the anticipation, so basically it becomes just and excuse to hang with your friends and party. And that’s what this was. An excuse for women to get together with their best gal pals (or best gays) and party (with the odd affect pissing off a lot of very insecure men). I went to a 10:15 am Saturday show to avoid this party---only to walk into a theater three quarters full with packs of chicks. At least they were sober. At least I thought they were sober until they started applauding the scene where Sarah Jessica Parker wears a wedding dress from every major designer alive. But you know what? It was totally appropriate because that’s part of what this movie was all about anyway. Unfortunately, it’s a bigger part than it ever was before. Initially the fashion was icing on the cake, now it’s like one of those cupcakes from Magnolia (which is the only thing this show actually ruined) where you have to wipe half the icing off because it’s too much. Aside from pretty much every location scene taking place in a major designer’s store or prominent New York restaurant, we get no less than two fashion montages, one funny, appropriate and actually too short as when Carrie cleans out her closet of 20 years of fashion, and the other the aforementioned wedding dress parade, which wasn’t funny and too long. I’d rather find out something the show actually never gave us LIKE CARRIE’S MOTHER! Yeah, Carrie---who is now a successful author, working on her third book---is planning to marry Mr. Big and not one mention of her mother or his, whom we actually met. Apparently they both died during the last five years. Likewise, Charlotte gets pregnant, but do you think her family shows up? Nope. What makes things like this maddening is when they do good things, like not pretending for one second that Carrie isn’t 40. Also, that this is his third marriage becomes a bone of contention for Big. And my personal favorite is, when upon learning that Steve has cheated on her, Miranda tells him “I changed who I was for you!” Damn right and it bothered the hell out me every step of the way that she’d hook up with that one-balled lisper and move to Brooklyn. If you’re looking for an extended episode of the show with an extra emphasis on the fashion thanks to a movie-sized budget, then this is for you. If you hoped that the over two hour running time would give you a little more depth, then you should let that fantasy go now. Now there are some bitching quite loudly that Jennifer Hudson plays yet another “Magical Negro” who helps a White person make it through. These people need lives and should just go back to complaining that a Black guy betrayed Hal Solo in The Empire Strikes Back. What they need to be pissed about is how Jennifer Hudson took this job from a real actress, because Best Supporting Oscar or no, she sucks. All she really does is her fucking job as an assistant. She really doesn’t go above and beyond the call of duty in any respect personal or professional, though it might have been nicer if we found out why Carrie of all people would even get a personal assistant. She’s not the type and it would make more sense if it were pushed on her by her publisher, with Carrie having no clue to what exactly a personal assistant does. But ultimately I’m most disappointed in myself, because no straight man should recognize Anna Wintour’s cameo in this film, especially when they don’t even show her face! When does football season start?

WHY THERE MUST ALWAYS BE AN ENGLAND
Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is down to number two and if nothing else the Indiana Jones moves have a solid history of getting some of the best old English actors alive to appear in them. This time around Jim Broadbent, Ray Winstone and John Hurt join the list of Denham Elliot, Sean Connery and John Rhys Davies. How Richard Harris or Peter O’Toole never showed up is beyond me. If George Lucas didn’t have his head up his ass, he might have noticed that Lawrence Kasdan, the screenwriter of Raiders of the Lost Ark, deliberately left open the possibility of Marion’s father, Abner Ravenwood, being alive (he even said so in interviews) and that would a been a great role for an old English actor. But that would be admitting Kasdan was a better writer and that he himself sucks, and that’s something Lucas will never do.

THE ONLY THING STRANGE IS HOW THIS GOT MADE
The Strangers opens at number three and who the fuck cares? I’m sorry, but could this film look dumber? Two girls and one guy without guns, take on a guy and a girl with a gun. This should not be a struggle. Any idiot would know to just put your back to a solid wall and kill anyone or anything that comes at you. Anyone except these two idiots, because if they did, you wouldn’t have a movie. Not to mention, the physical odds are hardly threatening. One more person? That’s it? It’s not even two guys and a girl? Just one guy and two girls and everyone is the same age. If the coupler were older it might have made it more threatening. Seriously, who cares? It’s not so much scary now as stupid and that old, “Bad guy appears silently in the background” has just been run into the ground at this point.

MICKEY D’S DON’T PLAY THAT SHIT!
Iron Man is down to number four, followed by The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian at number five and the mea culpas have begun. The head of Disney said they screwed up by releasing this in the summer rather than at Christmas, which was the original plan. It seems their partners on this were releasing Water Horse at the time and they didn’t want it to conflict. Um, you chose instead to risk the $200M franchise film? Honestly, how do these people manage to keep their jobs? How do you fuck up a $200M investment and still have a parking space on Monday? Lose $200 working the register at McDonalds and see if you still get to keep your paper hat.

NOT FAR FROM THE TREE
What Happens In Vegas is down to number six, but it’s actually done well. Also in this as Ashton Kutcher’s dad is Treat Williams which is the perfect role for the aging leading man. You expect Ashton Kutcher’s dad to look like something like this the same way it always makes sense that Blythe Danner is a movie star’s mom (and why Harrison Ford is unacceptable as Shia Lebouf’s dad).

NOT FAR FROM THE TREE PT. 2: ELECTRIC BUGALOO
Baby Mama is down to number seven followed by Speed Racer at number eight and speaking of movie star parents, Susan Sarandon and John Goodman play Mom & Pops Racer. The irony is, John Goodman’s a big enough star that he will probably never actually have to play the father of kid whose body actually resembles his. His movie kids will all strangely fail to inherit his fat gene. Susan Sarandon proves she’s perfect movie star mom by giving birth to hot actress daughter in Eva Amurri.

NOT FAR FROM THE TREE PT. 3: RETURN OF THE JEDI
Continuing our topic of movie star onscreen parents, Made of Honor is down to number nine and you don’t know how much it hurts me that this piece of crap is Sidney Pollack’s last film, appearing as Patrick Dempsey’s dad. At least it could have been Michael Clayton, or The Sopranos, or even Will & Grace, but no, it’s this. This is like Wicked Stepmother being Bette Davis’s last work. He wasn’t the most prolific director who ever lived with only about 20 or so films to his credit, but among them are Three Days of The Condor, The Swimmer, They Shoot Horses Don’t They, The Way We Were, Out of Africa and my personal favorite, Tootsie. I’m going to pretend that his remake of Sabrina just didn’t exist, ‘cause this is just about the good times.

“WE TOOK ‘EM IN THE BACK AND PLAYED RICKY-TICKY ON THEIR SKULLS, BARN”
Finally, closing out the top ten is Forgetting Sarah Marshall and also in this is none other than Steve Landesberg who ruled as Dietrich on Barney Miller. His delivery was the driest of the dry and one of the reasons it was flat out one of the funniest sitcoms and greatest sitcom casts ever. Ever, muthafuckas! Ever!

FIST FULL OF YEN STILL RULES
Not breaking the top ten is Foot Fist Way, which is pretty much the literal translation of Tae Kwon Do. This is appropriate because it’s about a buffoon of a taekwondo instructor in an Alabama suburb. Normally, I can’t stand movies about watching an idiot act like an idiot. It’s why I have a low tolerance for Will Ferrell, why I don’t like either version of The Office and why I cannot stand Jack Black in a lead role, but the martial arts aspect drew me in…and my position remains unchanged. YOU NEED A STRAIGHT MAN! The entire world cannot be your straight man! This would have been immeasurably better if the lead character, the buffoon were a supporting character in the story of a suburban taekwondo instructor and his odd students and staff (someone like Broken Lizard who did Super Trooper would have done amazing things with that). That way you’d be looking forward to every appearance he makes instead of ultimately just getting tired of him. This was an indie film that appeared at Sundance two years ago and ultimately found release appropriately enough through Will Ferrell. I’m sure they also debated remaking it with Ferrell in the lead before giving this guy his shot, because it’s a Will Ferrell role. Ben Stiller is also a fan and that makes sense too (the actor playing the buffoon instructor will not only be in Ben Stiller’s movie this summer, but the next Judd Apatow movie as well). Imagine if there was a movie about just his Dodgeball gym owner character. Yeah, it would be funny, but how soon before it grew old? Especially when they don’t develop any secondary characters, beyond an equally buffoonish adversary---which in this case is a B-movie martial arts action hero he idolizes, whom he’s too dim to see is actually goofy reflection of himself. This is probably why he has sex with the instructor’s slutty wife, who should have had a larger role, because her appearances are funny, but brief, so you anticipate her return with tales of her latest indiscretion.

THEY SHOULD CALL THE BAND CHEESE EATING SURRENDER MONKEYS
Remember that French Guy in college? He wasn’t that good-looking, a completely obnoxious asshole, never stopped talking about how much America sucks, yet he still managed to fuck everything that moved, including the girls who said they hated him and never would have anything to do with him. Now, imagine if he started a band and sang about being a dick. That band would be called The Teenagers. And they don’t so much sing as talk in a thick French accent over the music. Now, every song pretty much sounds the same, so by the end of the album it’s like you listened to one really long song, but individually they’re not bad. Bear in mind, they’re not totally serious as they write songs about Scarlett Johansson and fucking their American cheerleader step-cousin. They’re actually making fun of the obnoxious French guy stereotype in songs like “Homecoming” where we actually hear the story of their hook-up from both sides, his crude hers, romantic (“I fucked my American cunt/I loved my English romance”).

DEATH NEEDED SOME LAUGHS
So not only did Sidney Pollock die, but a god of comedy has shuffled off this mortal coil. Harvey Korman died and that means pretty much the major leads from Blazing Saddles are all gone, but for Gene Wilder and Mel Brooks, who sadly looks like he’s going to outlive everyone. And the comedy hits keep on coming with the death of Dick Martin of Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In. Sadly, I thought he was already dead. It’s hard to explain Laugh-In to the kids today, but suffice it to say, they had a counter-culture comedy show on TV long before Saturday Night Live, but it was truly groundbreaking and revolutionary when they did it. And if you think Kate Hudson has a nice body, you should have seen her mother, Goldie Hawn, dancing up a storm in a bikini as a go-go dancer on the show. What’s a go-go dancer? Sigh. It’s a club dancer. Now go get daddy his medicine.