GET STUPID

1. Get Smart/Warner Wknd/$ 39.2 Total/$ 39.2
2. Kung Fu Panda/Paramount Wknd/$ 21.7 Total/$ 155.6
3. The Incredible Hulk/Universal Wknd/$ 21.6 Total/$ 96.5
4. The Love Guru/Paramount Wknd/$ 14.0 Total/$ 14.0
5. The Happening/Fox Wknd/$ 10.5 Total/$ 50.3
6. Indiana Jones 4/Paramount Wknd/$ 8.4 Total/$ 290.8
7. You Don’t Mess With The Zohan Wknd/$ 7.2 Total/$ 84.1
8. Sex & The City/New Line Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 132.4
9. Iron Man/Paramount Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 304.8
10. The Strangers/Rogue Wknd/$ 1.9 Total/$ 49.6

WOULD YOU BELIEVE I COULD CARE LESS?
Get Smart opens at number one and somewhere Andy Dick is crying (he starred in a failed TV series where he played the son of Maxwell Smart). While I enjoyed the show as a kid, I’m not so devoted to it that going to see this was high on my list of priorities. Especially since, as I grew older, I developed an intolerance of humor based on someone being a moron (this is also why I don’t watch either version of The Office). Ironically, what I enjoyed most were the conclusions of the episodes, where they’d act like real secret agents and kick a little ass. This is why I also find it ironic that critics are complaining about the action quotient in the big screen version. The roots of it are in the show. But this adaptation is filled with actual missteps beginning with the casting. I know Steve Carell makes a good idiot, but Eric McCormack---who actually got started in acting because he love Don Adams, the original Maxwell Smart---would have been just as good, if not better and I would have been more inclined to go see him. Also—and you knew I was coming---what the fuck is 20-something Anne Hathaway doing playing Agent 99? Not since Julia Stiles played the world’s youngest CIA agent in the Bourne movies has there been such inappropriate casting for a role. Was every actress over 30 too busy for this? Actually, Catherine Keener, Carell’s 40-Year-Old Virgin co-star would have been fine as Agent 99, but she’s his age and we can’t have that. And last I heard both Buck Henry and Mel Brooks the creators of Get Smart were still alive and kicking. Why aren’t they involved in this? Oh, because they’re funny. I’ll watch this on cable in a year, mainly to see the Bill Murray cameo as Agent 13.

WHERE ARE THE GOOD ASS-KICKING SONGS?
Kung Fu Panda holds at number two and how sad is it that in 30 years no one has come up with a better martial arts song than “Kung Fu Fighting” by Carl Douglas? Needless to say, it’s used here over the closing credits like it was used over the closing credits to Kung Fu Hustle just a few years ago. At least this time around they actually changed the lyrics to reflect the movie. Now, I hate Jack Black and Cee-Lo, but I like what they’ve done to this song. They could have simply opted to use the Fatboy Slim dance remix version from a few years back. “One, two do the kung-fu/Three, four on the dance floor…” Shudder.

COMIC BOOK HISTORY 101 WITH PROFESSOR ANGRYGEEK
The Incredible Hulk is down to number three and the original was on TV this weekend and I cannot tell you what an improvement this is in terms of entertainment. However, it has no artistic style, whereas the Ang Lee version is dripping with it. Unfortunately, what it’s not dripping with is action, humor and some cheap fanboy thrills like a super villain to fight, the super-soldier serum that created Captain America being a plot point and the aforementioned appearance by Iron Man himself, Tony Stark. He tells General Thunderbolt Ross that they’re “putting a team together” which is obviously The Avengers. This is from that Ultimate universe line of Marvel Comics I told you about a few weeks ago, where Nick Fury looks like Samuel L. Jackson. In that version, The Ultimates (not Avengers) are formed by Nick Fury and Tony Stark. In the original version, Iron Man, The Hulk, Ant-Man, The Wasp and Thor come together to fight Thor’s evil brother, Loki (who hates that he inadvertently creates a force for good and never stops trying to destroy the team). Don’t lie. You always wanted to know that.

MUGGING IS CRIME FOR A REASON
The Love Guru opens at number four and given this lackluster response and the critical savaging this movie has taken, I’ll take it the world is where I was after the first Austin Powers movie: sick of Mike Meyers and his tireless mugging. To me the only funny part of Austin Powers was Dr. Evil BECAUSE HE NEVER BROKE CHARACTER! Which he obviously never stops doing here. And he’s got a shit reputation behind the scenes, to the point where Entertainment Weekly just did a story on it. This is a sure sign you’ve lost power when a mainstream magazine like EW feels free to take a shot at you. They’d never have done this when the second Austin Powers movie came out and he could do no wrong. I have zero interest in this, so this is yet another movie I’ll watch on cable next summer in pieces. And do I have to bring up the friggin’ age difference between Mike Meyers and Jessica Alba? Sigh.

IT’S NOT LIKE YOU WERE CLOSE TO THE DOPE WHITENESS THAT WAS 3RD BASS
The Happening is down to number five and right about now I’m thinking Mark Wahlberg wished he’d made more time for The Brazilian Job, which was to be the sequel to The Italian Job, one of the few caper films I can actually stand. And I find it odd he’s ashamed of his Marky Mark days. Douchebag, without Marky Mark as a stepping-stone, nobody knows your name. There but for the grace of god you’re not like your brother, whose TV show tanked last year so now he’s doing a New Kids on The Block reunion. Hell, you’re lucky you weren’t Snow. Licky-boom-boom down, asshole.

AND YOU THOUGHT KATE CAPSHAW WAS ANNOYING
Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is down to number six and say what you want about this movie, at least it didn’t include what was rumored and feared by millions the world over: Calista Flockhart, Harrison Ford’s real life girlfriend for a couple of years now. You think Shia LeBeouf sucks (and I do), imagine her in the Cate Blanchett role or some new love interest. Yes, that might mean no Shia LeBeouf at all, but that would mean not Karen Allen either, so it would have been much worse. I mean have you noticed absolutely no one remembers Ally McBeal? There’s no Ally McBeal movie in the works and I doubt you can even find it in syndication.

IT’S TINA FEY’S WORLD AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT
You Don’t Mess With The Zohan is down to number seven and between this and The Love Guru, I think it’s safe to say that the time of a certain generation of SNL vets has more than passed on the big screen. Not that it will ever be Andy Samberg’s time.

AND GIRLS WITH “GREAT PERSONALITY” EVERYWHERE CELEBRATE THEIR VICTORY
Sex & The City is down to number eight and speaking of Ally McBeal, this appeared one year later and made it clear just how much the character of Ally McBeal and that show sucked overall, as it has utterly eclipsed it in the minds of women everywhere. Probably because SATC had a strong female writing staff and Ally McBeal was all David E. Kelly, who hates women and so it never occurred to him that what they wear would matter beyond sticking them in inappropriate mini-skirts.

NEXT UP: ROBERT DENIRO AS THE RED SKULL?
Iron Man is down to number nine and as the villain in this is Jeff Bridges, as William Hurt is an antagonist in The Incredible Hulk and this is the continuation of a precedent set by Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor 30 years ago, the use of established actors who are normally leading men as your bad guy, to give some weight to the bad guy’s presence. And for them, well, it’s an easy payday and something their kids can see.

EITHER THAT OR FELICITY: THE MOVIE
Finally, The Strangers closes out the top ten at number ten and right now Scott Speedman is looking for that fourth Underworld movie since number three is going to be a prequel and have no place for him. Is it I just me or are he and Simon Baker (something new, The Devil Wears Prada) almost the same person?

DEATH LOVES MUSICALS…IT’S WHY SHE TOOK THE WHOLE GENRE
Death took a shot directly at me this week. While the rest of you were mourning Tim Russert, I was down on bended knee over the loss of Tula Ellice Finklea, aka, Cyd Charisse. One less goddess now walks the earth and I renew my call for a color of green dedicated solely to her, given how hard she rocked it in both Singing In The Rain and There’s Always Fair Weather. She had such an impact in Singing In The Rain, people tend to forget that Debbie Reynolds was Gene Kelly’s actual leading lady. They made up for this in both Brigadoon and There’s Always Fair Weather. She was supposed to have the Leslie Caron role in An American In Paris, which would have been amazing, as Leslie Caron is the gaping hole in that movie. She also originally had the Ann Miller role in Easter Parade, but she hurt her knee, so I guess that $5M insurance policy on her legs came in handy (adjusted for inflation that’s $39M). And to top it off, she turned down the lead in Funny Face, which is how we got yet another creepy casting with Audrey Hepburn and a dude old enough to be her father.

ALL WE’RE MISSING IS THE TOKEN BLACK GUY…WAIT, WAS THAT ME?
Apparently, I’m only meant to see pretty boys as yet another member of the Gossip Girl cast crossed my path, this time Serena’s gay little brother. But this trend led to one big time sighting. I’m limping along 54th street and suddenly a gorgeous girl on a bike crosses my path. I mean stunning. Tall, thin, beautiful…had to be a model. Oddly, she’s followed by some skeevy looking guy who seems totally out of place on a bike. He’s looking back to the third member of their party…Leonardo DiCaprio. Now the model on the bike made perfect sense, as did the goofball sidekick. It’s almost like his little bike party was cast; male superstar, beautiful model and comic relief.

I SHOULD HAVE KICKED HIM FROM THE HIP
Well my first month of Hung Ga Kung Fu has come to an end as has my three classes a week attendance, thanks to my first injury. Now, when I was young I was bored with forms in taekwondo class. I just wanted to fight. I was there to learn how to kick muthafuckas in the head, not pose. As I grew older my point of view changed. I came to understand just what my instructor meant when he called forms “moving meditation” and while kicking muthafuckas in the head was still important, it wasn’t a priority. Maybe if I had kept I a bit more of a priority, I could have stopped the young PhD candidate, whose only concept of control seems to be a Janet Jackson album, from kicking me in the leg so hard, I’ve been limping ever since and I won’t be back to class on Monday night. I’d forgotten that even when I liked sparring it sucked fighting the young guys whose adrenaline just turned them into bruise machines. While you were tapping them with control, they were nailing you at almost full force. The tough South American woman with the Kaballah bracelet popped me in the eye but she had control, so there wasn’t even a scratch. Of course, it was my right leg he nailed, because that would have been the one I would have subsequently used to kick him in his muthafuckin’ head. Now, just bending it is a problem, much less kicking muthafuckas in the head. I got myself some version of Ben Gay (it had one more active ingredient and I wanted all I could get) and quickly discovered the icy-burning cure is almost worse than the disease. At least this time I remembered to wash my hands before going to the bathroom. That’s an experience I don’t want to repeat…as oddly pleasurable though it may have been, like having sex with the Queen of Fire & Ice.

IT’S NOT COMPLICATED, JUST STUPID

So I read a somewhat favorable review of Denise Richards’ new reality show, It’s Complicated and decided to check it out. As you know, she’s the ex-wife of crazy ass Charlie Sheen (who once left a message calling her a “nigger”), though in one moment of clarity, he fought her to keep their daughters off this show. To be fair, they aren’t on much, but given how little they show, why have them on at all? The last non-competitive reality show I watched was The Osbornes all those years ago, so I’d forgotten they’re simply about nothing and if your subject isn’t wonderfully eccentric, it’s an exercise in tedium. This is truly an exercise in tedium, though she’s not totally without appeal and her widowed father who now lives with her (she looks like him) is just the sweetest guy in the world and you now see her attraction to douchebags is Freud in action. She’s just not attracted to dudes who remind her of her dad, meaning, never a nice guy will see her naked. Or as she candidly admits on the show, “I like hot, sexy guys with big dicks.” That’s the real reason I like her. There was no bullshit about liking guys who are “funny and smart” or pretending size doesn’t matter. I also like that she curses like a sailor to the point it’s even an issue on the show. She also has serious Midwestern accent that pops out a lot, like when she said John Stamos didn’t want to date a woman with kids, “But we had a good time!” See, she and John Stamos didn’t make a sex tape. Pretty people never do. Her sister and her best friend are also funny in that they’ll be brutally honest with her and tell her dressing like a whore and doing a second Playboy spread is not the wisest move if you’re trying to change your image. In the end, however, I wound up fast forwarding through most of it because it’s just not that interesting…which should be the name of the show.