THE PRINCESS FROG

1. The Princess & The Frog/Disney Wknd/$ 25.0 Total/$ 27.9

2. The Blind Side/Warner Wknd/$ 15.5 Total/$ 150.0

3. Invictus/Warner Wknd/$ 9.1 Total/$ 9.1

4. The Twilight Saga: New Moon Wknd/$ 8.0 Total/$ 267.4

5. A Christmas Carol/Disney Wknd/$ 6.9 Total/$ 124.5

6. Brothers/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 5.0 Total/$ 17.4

7. 2012/Sony Wknd/$ 4.4 Total/$ 155.3

8. Old Dogs/Touchstone Wknd/$ 4.4 Total/$ 40.0

9. Armored/ScreenGems Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 11.7

10. Ninja Assassin/Warner Wknd/$ 2.7 Total/$ 34.3

NEXT UP: ONE FOR THE LATINAS

To no one’s surprise, The Princess & The Fog opens at number one and this is a special Disney film for three reasons. One, it’s a return to hand-drawn animation after having CGI rule the roost for the last decade or so. Two, it’s also a return to musicals, as CGI movies really don’t do much of it and three, oh yeah, THE PRINCESS IS BLACK! I know it seems amazing that after all these years, this is Disney’s first Black leading lady, especially given how there have been Native American (Pocahontas) and even Asian (Mulan) but there’s really been nothing for the sistas. Well, our long national nightmare is finally over and even The Prince is clearly of a darker hue, though oddly from a European country where they speak French (which I’m sure will piss off someone, somewhere because he’s not an ebony child of the motherland). Not quite sure how that works, but hey, we’re going to go with it. I like hand drawn animation, because as nice as CGI is, there’s a warmth lacking in its technical perfection. What I don’t like are musicals and they fact that I was ready to nod off at one point is proof in the pudding. Unless the songs are exceptional and move the plot, all they do for me is slow the movie down. For example, when we meet The Shadow Man, his song explains him, but at the same time we see him moving the plot forward by moving against The Prince. When Mama Odie has her musical number she doesn’t move the plot forward and it’s not a coincidence this is when I felt the urge to nod off. It’s not that great a song and it doesn’t move the plot, so it’s just wasted time and you add those up and it’s a lot of wasted time, diluting the drama and cutting the movie’s effectiveness in half.

SHINY HAPPY BLACK PEOPLE

The Blind Side is down to number two, followed by Invictus at number three and while the fictional “Happy Negro Who Helps While People” may be done, but there are real life ones are still available as Nelson Mandela teaches Matt Damon to love Black people and help to unify the South African people…with rugby. Thing is, you don’t survive what he went through and accomplish what he accomplished merely by being a “happy negro.” This is clearly a very intelligent (borderline manipulative and cynical) political and social move, but it was no doubt one of many from an intelligent and very aware man, a little more than a Happy Smiling Negro. I hope there’s more of that man in this film, but the trailers just push a smile and Matt Damon’s growing awareness at me and I’m not interested in either.

MOTHER’S BABY, FATHER’S MAYBE

New Moon is down to number four, followed by A Christmas Carol at number five and Brothers is down to number six and also here as the parents to Tobey Maguire and Jake Gyllenhaal are Mare Winningham and Sam Shephard. Sorry, but there’s more manhood in Sam Shephard’s left nut than in the two of these boys combined. Clearly they are his stepchildren and actually hers by Rob Lowe, a result of their relationship in St. Elmo’s Fire.

AND SHE WAS IN THE RECENT X-FILES MOVIE IF THAT TELLS YOU ANYTHING

2012 is down to number seven and also in this is Amanda Peet, finally having one in the win column after years of misses. Does anyone remember the show Central Park West but me? Yeah, she was on it, but what initially gave her heat was The Whole Nine Yards, but that was the exception while the rule was movies like Whipped and Saving Silverman and she returned to TV for that show Jack & Jill. Yeah, her agent is clearly a guy who can get you downfield, but falters in the red zone. We’re not even going to get into Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, a show I loved to hate. And this is actually her third film with John Cusack after Identity and Martian Child and clearly the third time was the charm.

NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH SHO ‘NUFF, THE SHOGUN OF HARLEM

Old Dogs is down to number eight, followed by Armored at number nine and closing out the top ten is Ninja Assassin and I cannot believe I forgot to mention that none other than Sho Kosugi is in this. In a perfect bit of casting, the man who was at the heart of the ninja movie explosion of the 80’s plays the head of the ninja school here. I’m not ashamed to say I saw Enter The Ninja, Revenge of the Ninja, that horrible TV show called The Master (where Lee Van Cleef was teaching Timothy Van Patten how to be a ninja in one of the worst martial arts TV show ever), Ninja III: The Domination, where the girl from Breakin’ was possessed by a ninja; Nine Deaths of the Ninja, Pray for Death, Rage of Honor and the movie that ended it for me, Black Eagle, which also had Jean Claude van Damme, but rather than the epic fight we were promised, van Damme was killed by a boat propeller. The movies had all been crap, but really turned to shit by the end and were pretty much an excuse to show his little boys, Shane and Kane kicking ass. He pretty much disappeared after that point himself until now. His sons are also still around having been in War (with Jet Li and Jason Statham), The Last Samurai and yes my beloved D.O.A: Dead or Alive.

ANYONE CAN READ BOOKS

The great DVD conversion continues. Twenty went out the door this week alone, but only two came in: The Chronicles of Riddick and The Fifth Element. What? You don’t maximize Blu-ray and High Definition TV with some drama about miners. You need something pretty with lots of digital effects (besides, The Godfather is still being sold as a trilogy rather than separate units and I will not have the abomination known as III in my home). Speaking of which, the last big Star Wars release looks great. Some regular DVD’s don’t survive the translation provided by a Blu-ray player on a hi-def TV, but say what you will about George Lucas and his continued milking of his fanbase with multiple releases, this came through with flying colors. Likewise with Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Terminator, because I sure has hell don’t remember seeing Arnold’s penis quite so clearly before.

ONE DAY WE WILL ALL BE OLD ASIAN MEN WITH WEIRD FRIENDS

So there was a moment of glimpsing one’s own mortality for me recently. I was walking home from the grocery store when I saw a man on the ground in front of the liquor store. Now this is hardly an unusual sight anywhere, especially New York, but there was something odd about this particular situation as there was a fairly well-dressed woman trying to see to him, rather than an irate store owner or exasperated cop trying to move him along. Then another woman came to her aid and this is when that annoying southern shit kicked in, because I couldn’t let two women try and pick some guy up and just walk on by. When I went to help I discovered he wasn’t actually a drunk, but an elderly Asian man who’d fallen and simply couldn’t get up. He too was fairly well-dressed, but easily in his 70’s and clearly frail. We asked him if he lived nearby or needed a cab, but all he wanted was to get the restaurant across the street so I took one arm and one of the ladies took the other and we led him to the restaurant. Sure enough, waiting for him in the corner were a couple, easily in their 50’s or 60’s, with a bottle of champagne. They were a tad flamboyantly dressed, suggesting artists of some sort and I had some idea of a reunion of a Round Table type of group, or possibly celebrating someone’s latest book being published. The woman told me they’d put him in a cab to make sure he got home, thinking I was the person taking care of him, suggesting how little she really knew about his life and that sadly struck a chord in me as I saw myself in 30 years, still trying to maneuver around an unforgiving city to meet my equally aged friends who were relatively clueless about the actual status of my life because I never told them anything. I needed a drink after that and had to open up a bottle of my roommate’s crappy wheat beer (that tastes sweet and of lemon) just writing that down. If he’d been black, I’d probably have a severe drug problem now. But for better or worse I have a pretty good coping system. I try remember that both he and his friends were all pretty well dressed, not like usual old people, which clearly meant they’d at least maintained their mental faculties and were either doing fairly well or had a nice, timeless sense of fashion and style and there are worse fates, so nothing’s up with me. What’s up with you?

MY DVR HAS BETTER THINGS TO DO

No, I will not watch Men of a Certain Age. That’s a little too close to home. It’s not like Cougar Town where we’re laughing at it while being smoking hot and boning 20-somethings. This is a drama.

ALONE AGAIN, NATURALLY

Speaking of fate, it’s been trying to fuck with my solitude. When I sold off my TV it was to some woman over Craigslist. he came to my place to pick it up and like the beginning of a Penthouse Letter as she was absolutely gorgeous. I mean, I’d say it was the opening of a Penthouse Letter if her dad wasn’t with her…her dad who was clearly African, so I’d had five-feet-eight-inches of sheer perfection brought to me straight from the motherland. And to top it off, her email let me know she’s working for the ACLU in the Racial Justice Department, literally fighting for truth, justice and the American way. It’s like my mom got fed up waiting for grandchildren and ordered her for me. For all the good it did. I was actually too focused on my getting rid of my old TV to do anything, so when she said, “Oh, there must be a new TV here,” I failed to respond with “Yes, would you like to see it?” and strike up casual conversation (making sure she knew that the white woman in my apartment was only my roommate) resulting in a funny story for our kids on how we met. Nope, I just got them the hell out of my apartment so I could get dinner. Later, that week I’d discovered the sinful pleasure of Five Napkin Burger and was eating it every other day, which is not good given they’re about $15 a pop, but they’re gourmet and worth every friggin’ penny. I was debating on whether or not to just go there and eat at the bar so I could have it hot, but decided I’d bring it home. Of course when I’m at the bar getting it, two beautiful women (more sistas) come and drop down right beside me. A smarter dude would have immediately reconsidered and had his meal there. I went home. Finally, I was trying to take a picture of myself on with my bike by the river during one of my long rides when this woman who’s clearly photographing the views just like I was, comes over and offers to take my picture. I declined, hopped on my bike and went home. I’d say it’s because she wasn’t as pretty as the others, but I’d be lying. I was just being my usual idiot self. Just like those times when women have randomly commented on what I was buying in the grocery store (“Oh, is that chipolte sauce? I love it too.”). And then there’s the epic example of a woman flirting with me that I thought was a lesbian. That’s literally how I started off the year. I am anti-social, self-involved and self-loathing to be sure, but most of all I’m completely clueless and pretty much socially inept. But that’s okay because “I can’t afford to go out because I’ve spent all my money upgrading my DVD collection to Blu-ray” would pretty much kill anything before it started. It’s better this way, so mom, put down the voodoo dolls.

TIGER, TIGER BURNING BRIGHT, YOUR TASTE IN WOMEN IS A SAD, SAD SIGHT

Finally, clearly I know nothing of what it means to be a rich and famous person because I thought the point was to get to sleep with the most beautiful women in the world with almost no effort, not bone skanks and pay for the privilege. Yes, the fall of Tiger Woods has it been delicious to watch. Christmas came early for those of us who have never liked this arrogant fuck. Sorry, while I’ll never be a Black Panther or even an NAACP member, his bullshit stance about not being Black always rubbed me the wrong way. Then there’s the little matter that he’s a shitty tipper which pretty much says all you need to know about a person’s worth. The first billionaire athlete and he’s stingy to wage slaves!?! Well, wage slaves who don’t suck his dick. And you know I don’t feel badly about his wife either as she once took back one of few large tips he ever doled out. Excuse me, bitch, but what golf tournaments have you won? But how humiliating is it that every single tramp your husband has boned is less attractive than yourself? It’s one thing to find out your husband has been working his way through the Victoria’s Secret catalogue. It’s something else again to see Hooters waitresses, Reality Show Contestants and D-list porn stars. But it’s like David Letterman, Bill Clinton and that ESPN guy. It’s about a deep seated insecurity that exists no matter what the achievements. You won’t be the most prominent person to a supermodels or actress. Just maybe the most prominent person hitting on her that particular day. Not to mention she’s just as famous as you are and may not give a crap you won some game. She just got the cover of Vogue. Also, what if they say “No.” After all, you’re not a model. How crushing would that be? All your achievements and you’re back to being turned down by the head cheerleader. See, it’s not just about your dick, but your ego’s dick. “Ego Dick” is why every time some famous dude gets caught, it’s with some girl who wouldn’t be allowed to even intern at Elle, much less make its cover. It’s got to be someone so beneath you, that your every word, every visit is a major event in her life. Not someone who blows you off in Paris because a prince invited her to a party in Rome. And while it may seem a lot for him to give up $180M in endorsements to drop out of golf to save his marriage, it’s less than the cost should she divorce him, because then they’ll be gone for good, on top of alimony, child support and whatever the hell was in the pre-nup, which the public humiliation may allow her to break anyway. Yeah, I’m laughing more every day.

SO SEXY IT HURTS

1. The Blind Side/Warner Wknd/$ 20.4 Total/$ 129.3

2. The Twilight Saga: New Moon Wknd/$ 15.7 Total/$ 255.6

3. Brothers/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 9.7 Total/$ 9.7

4. A Christmas Carol/Disney Wknd/$ 7.5 Total/$ 115.0

5. Old Dogs/Touchstone Wknd/$ 6.9 Total/$ 33.9

6. Armored/ScreenGems Wknd/$ 6.6 Total/$ 6.6

7. 2012/Sony Wknd/$ 6.6 Total/$ 148.8

8. Ninja Assassin/Warner Wknd/$ 5.0 Total/$ 29.8

9. Planet 51/Sony Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 34.0

10.Everyboyd’s Fine/Miramax Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 4.0

APPARENTLY MORGAN FREEMAN WON’T HAVE MANY JOBS IN THE FUTURE

The Blind Side moves into the number one slot and if there’s one thing more annoying the “Benevolent Negro” it’s classic “Noble Savage” which is clearly still with us, where the person of color manages to somehow rise above their station---thanks to the help of the White man. Even the subject of the movie is being very diplomatic in how he talks about it. Give it a few years and he’ll cut loose with how he was portrayed. You have to wonder what goes through the mind of a moron who thinks that an audience won’t like it if he has too much responsibility for his own survival. I’d love to hear that meeting for its clear racism: “We need the white people to save him more.” Then again, it’s risen to number one, so how can you tell them they were wrong? I guess this means the age of the Black person helping some White person (Will Smith in the Legend of Bagger Vance, Djimon Hounsou in In America, almost every Black female role ever…) is done for now.

BUT WHERE’S KIRSTIN DUNST?

The Twilight Saga: New Moon is down to number two and also in this is Dakota Fanning, which with her eerily pale skin is pretty much typecasting. She’s always looked like a vampire child. She’s also apparently the anti-Lindsay Lohan, staying in school despite a very successful career as a child actress. She’s even a freaking cheerleader, which is what normal thin, pretty blondes are supposed to do in high school. I can only hope puberty took care of the scary old man voice she had for most of prepubescence. Geek connection: in an episode of the Justice League animates series where Wonder Woman was deaged to kid, she did the voice.

LIKE THOMAS JANE AND AARON ECKART

Brothers opens at number three with the picture-perfect casting of Tobey Maguire and the man who would have replaced him as Spider-Man and did as the boyfriend of Kirstin Dunst (man, did she probably freak when she heard of this casting), Jake Gyllenhaal. They’re two guys whom you think look alike when apart but when side-by-side…eh, not so much. And art imitates life when Tobey Maguire goes missing, Jake Gyllenhaal as the hunkier-yet-still-a-loser brother (not that it’s difficult to be hunkier than Tobey Maguire) steps in to take care of his family, all the way down to giving Natalie Portman a little lovin’, which probably would have happened in any story involving this set up. Your hotter, shiftless brother always hooks up with your hot wife. I didn’t see it because this story has just been done so many times, so unless he comes back from the grave or as a brainwashed assassin or something like that I’ve no real interest. I’m just not up for almost two humor-free hours of post-traumatic stress disorder, sibling rivalry and adultery right now.

EVIL NEVER DIES

A Christmas Carol actually rises to number four and remember what I said about counting this out too early? It’s three weeks until Christmas and this fucking thing isn’t going anywhere.

ROBOT CHICKEN THE MOVIE YOUR TIME HAS COME

Old Dogs is down to number five and Seth Green deserves so much better than this. He’s funnier if five minutes on Robot Chicken than Travolta and Robin Williams have been in the last decade. Hell, he alone has been the funniest thing on entourage in forever. I’d much rather see him in the “less-attractive-guy-gets-the-hot-girl” role than Seth fucking Rogen.

NO ARMORED CAR DUTY FOR OLD MEN

2012 is down to number six, followed by Armored opening up at number seven or as I call it, “A Lot of Old Guys vs. A Young Guy.” Seriously, it’s Matt Dillon, Lawrence Fishburne and Jean Reno fighting the kid who killed it as Little Walter in Cadillac Records last year. Even Skeet Ulrich is 40 now. But aside from Skeet Ulrich who I wouldn’t mind seeing die a few times, I’ve no desire to see a bunch of actors I like being unable to defeat some kid I barely know. Especially when part of the reason is the kid is trying to protect Milo Ventimiglia, whom I’d also like to see die a few times over.

BLACK & YELLOW BRUTHAS UNITED AGAINST THE MAN!

Ninja Assassin is down to number eight and this makes me both happy and sad. Where’s the audience for non-science fiction buttkicking? Must is all be incredibly over-the-top Asian stuff? Is it so much to ask to see people in US of A kicking each other in the head competently? Apparently so. But the good news is this won’t advance the career of the director, James McTeigue who was on tap to possibly direct the next Superman movie and his interviews show him to be a dickhead company for Warner Brothers. See, heirs to the creators of Superman have won back certain rights to the character including Superboy and Kal-El and Krypton, which means if you want to do a Superman movie and tell his origin, you have to pay them. Warner Brothers does not want to pay them so “suddenly” there’s no merit in telling his origin again. Yeah, there’s a little movie called Batman Begins that suggests you’re full of shit. And how much of a misstep was it not to bump up the partnership aspect of Naomie Harris given how Black people love martial arts people and Asian people tend to love Black culture (if not us). See, there was another little movie called Rush Hour, which suggests there may be some money in that.

EVERYBODY’S OLD

Planet 51 is down to number nine, followed by Everybody’s Fine opening at number ten and finally Robert DeNiro has settled into the dad role he should have been playing for the last 15 years rather than forcing the hideous idea of him boning Carla Gugino on me in Righteous Kill just recently. Now, he’s playing the dad to Drew Barrymore who is actually the same age a Carla Gugino. The ride is over, old man. But did it have to end in something like this, which looks so heartwarming and sickeningly sweet I got a cavity and diabetes just watching the trailer? Luckily, I know he finds out his kids aren’t so happy, which is a much needed bitter tang something like this needs to save it from being yet another Hallmark Hall of Fame movie that’s escaped into the wild.

WHERE THE AIR IS RAREIFIED

Not yet in the top ten is Up In The Air, another George Clooney vehicle where he pretty much gets to play himself, but ten or fifteen years ago this would have been a perfect Richard Gere movie as the narcissist who discovers himself and nobody did that better than Gere. Clooney is Clooney as a corporate hitman, called in to layoff employees for faltering businesses. In classic narcissist style, he loves his solitary life with no connections but finds it upended by two things: love and a younger person. The other thing that usually up-ends the status quo is death, be it a parent or one’s own self, but this thankfully is not that type of movie, as I had no desire to Clooney face his own mortality through prostate cancer or something like that. Honestly, it’s movies like this that keep that type of drama alive as they all think they can be this good, but rarely are. I’ve been a fan of director Jason Reitman (yes, son of Ivan) since the Zero Effect and he rarely disappoints me. What’s sad is that he’s from the Apatow camp, but they never seem to use him, probably because he prefers movies about grown-ups usually starring attractive men (George Clooney, Bill Pullman, David Duchovny) and even when it’s not, it’s something like Juno which also has no place in a camp filled with fat hairy dweebs lusting for shicksa goddesses. Thankfully, the movie doesn’t get too sentimental at the end because it is difficult for some leopards to change their spots, and not to give too much away, but someone you’re only seeing casually should never accompany you to a wedding or similar event. It will not end well (I speak from personal experience, but I was an idiot blinded by good sex). Clooney is supported by a top notch cast from Anna Kendrick and Vera Farmiga as the youth and the love, respectively, as well as Jason Bateman playing the soulless boss to perfection. There are also nice appearances from J.K. Simmons, Danny McBride and Sam Elliot. Oh, and Young MC. No, I’m not kidding. I enjoyed the movie so much it fills me with a stupid optimism for other Oscar bait, which I know will go unrewarded (Nine, I’m looking at you).

I’M TOO SEXY FOR THIS WEDDING

Speaking of weddings, I went to one of the best ever over the weekend, courtesy of Surrogate Sister. Seems her new husband was too busy serving his country in the Air Force Reserve to accompany her to a wedding, so I got called into duty at the request of the Bride-to-Be herself, best known as Not Reese Witherspoon. The wedding was held at a restaurant down in the West Village on Wooster and it occurred to me I’d never attended one where the open bar was literally a bar and we actually watched the ceremony with drinks in our hands. All weddings should be like that! Drinking before, during and after is the way to go! The ceremony was mercifully short, though it could have been shorter if the guy presiding over it was as funny as he clearly thought he was, but once it was over we went to our tables where the highlight of the evening was to be discovered in the form of our seating assignments. There were two couples at our table, one, which was just pretty, and the other, which was pretty crazy. The first couple was a six-foot-blonde named Heidi---no, I’m not kidding---and her mancandy escort, whom I just called “Mancandy” all night as he was tall, good looking and just too goofy to be gay. They were a good looking couple, but perhaps too good looking because the other couple---The Sexy Couple---took a liking to them, but then again, they took a liking to everyone. Surrogate Sister called them swingers and I was hard pressed to argue the point as they were hypersexual and freely shared it. He looked like John Schneider, better known to you as either Bo Duke or Jonathan Kent from Smallville, while she looked like any attractive sharp-featured brunette you’d ever seen, though we settled on Kate Jackson. He was a guy who clearly knew he was good looking, but also knew the peak years were over. As it turns out she was also pretty in a professional sense, a fit model and from same agency as none other than Dorito Cheeseburger Woman (aka, Kayrn Plonsky). Yes, it’s a small fucking city. Now The Sexy Couple seemed to looking for “friends” to have fun with and took a great many pictures of Heidi and Mancandy, when not asking for pictures to be taken of themselves. I jokingly said that pretty people like themselves never make sex tapes only to be corrected by Kate Jackson almost immediately. I began to like them more and more, especially when they bullshitted Surrogate Sister into thinking they’d been married ten years with two kids, when everyone else at the table knew they were not (they even told Heidi and Mancandy they’d met online a few months earlier). Then again, I wasn’t one of their targets, as Surrogate Sister clearly was---until they found out she was a smoker, which then left them focused solely on Heidi and Mancandy. Well, I thought I wasn’t a target, until I regularly felt my ribs being poked and my ass slapped on the dance floor, only to turn and find The Sexy Couple next to me. The dance floor had it’s own amusements from the cliché aged British DJ with the “messy” hairstyle clearly trying to cover a receding hairline to “The Terror” who is that guy at every wedding who thinks he can dance and while he may know the steps, has no sense of them and terrorizes anyone woman he thinks he’s “getting down” with, which happened to be the bride at one point. He was not helped much by the music. I enjoyed the irony of Surrogate Sister complaining about it when she was a ruthless dictator at her own wedding, but she had a point. Not Reese Witherspoon is in her late 30’s so a lot of the music came from 20 years ago and as much as I love The Smiths and The Cult, they aren’t what you’d call danceable. Neither were U2 or friggin’ Coldplay (seriously, Coldplay?). And requests for Lady GaGa by Surrogate Sister and The Fabulous Gays (a very nice couple who were good friends to the bride and were our companions for most of the night) fell on deaf ears. Around midnight when the crowd had thinned down we climbed into the white stretch limo and went to the afterparty down at the SoHo Grand and the most hysterical thing about that venture was how the crowd was constantly scanning you as you walked by to see if you were anyone. And they were all clearly wannabes, not people out to have a good time in a nice place. Far too much “posing” going on. We were only there briefly to make an appearance, which was for the best as my vodka gimlet was the best one I’d had all night. If we’d stayed, I’d have hurt myself on them. Now, I’m just waiting to hear back from Dorito Cheeseburger Woman (aka, Karyn Plonsky) to see if she knows more about The Sexy Couple.

DUE TO THE STATE OF MY ABS, YOU CAN NOW CALL ME “THE PREDICAMENT”

So The Jersey Shore debuted on MTV and it is worst best TV show to hit in a looooong time. Here you have some deplorable people who represent the worse in Italian stereotypes short of being in the mob and are incredibly proud of it. Now, as a Black person I’m used to this bullshit of people attempting to reclaim something negative and make it a positive (to paraphrase Animal House “Ugly, drunk and stupid is no way to through life”), but some Italians are losing their minds over it. But what’s really funny is watching it and seeing just how much of Black culture is appropriated but people who traditionally don’t care for the bruthas. You’re not going to see a lot of ethnic diversity on this show. You’re also not going to see a lot of anything resembling self-awareness or intelligence. Basically, it’s a show to allow everyone to laugh at a group of dumb people and I’d almost feel sorry for them, given they’re kids, but that’s only an excuse up to a point (you know, in what you spend on hair gel and tanning, you could probably visit Italy). And the irony that the men never stop working on their bodies, while the girls have clearly never set foot in a gym is hysterical. What’s really sad is when a similar type of show was attempted on BET called “Hot Ghetto Mess” and in a rare display of effectiveness Black groups were able to stop it, but there’s apparently nothing The Knights of Columbus could do about this. Everyone else in the world seems to love it, but I found it awful beyond enjoyment, like Charm School, where you couldn’t laugh at girls so clearly damaged. And trust me, there’s something wrong with Snookie. No one who gets drunk that fast and is that desperate for attention had a happy childhood. I’ll just wait for the next Rock of Love, thank you.

NUDITY, YES, BUT THERE IS A LIMIT

I’ve started to sell off my old DVD collection to finance the purchase of replacement blu-rays and this week added Bullitt, Die Another Day and Swordfish. Bullitt for obvious reasons as one of the greatest cop movies ever made and the others basically to look at Halle Berry in the highest definition possible. But I will draw the line at high definition porn. Seriously, why do I need to see breast implant scars, stretch marks and pubic razor bumps? Illusion, illusion, illusion. That’s my motto. If I want to see naked flawed people I’d walk naked in front of a mirror.

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FROM THE PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT YOU NINJA DIPLOMAT

1. The Twilight Saga: New Moon Wknd/$ 42.5 Total/$ 230.7

2. The Blind Side/Warner Wknd/$ 40.1 Total/$ 100.3

3. 2012/Sony Wknd/$ 18.0 Total/$ 138.8

4. Old Dogs/Touchstone Wknd/$ 16.8 Total/$ 24.1

5. A Christmas Carol/Disney Wknd/$ 16.0 Total/$ 105.4

6. Ninja Assassin/Warner Wknd/$ 13.1 Total/$ 21.0

7. Planet 51/Sony Wknd/$ 10.2 Total/$ 28.5

8. Precious/Lions Wknd/$ 7.1 Total/$ 32.5

9. The Fantasic Mr. Fox Wknd/$ 7.0 Total/$ 10.1

10. The Men Who Stare at Goats/ Wknd/$ 1.5 Total/$ 30.6

ONE PERSON’S CHILD PORN IS A CHILD’S REGULAR PORN

The Twilight Saga: New Moon holds at number one and when I see this werewolf kid on the cover of magazines in a wet t-shirt, I understand why Kristin Davis who made a movie with him when he was still a kid is disturbed. Like so many female models, that may be an adult’s body, but that’s still a kid’s face and seeing him trying to do “sexy” looks is just plain creepy. But I guess it’s okay if you’re a teenage girl just now discovering the many uses of the shower massage. For you, there’s like a thousand porn magazines from Rolling Stone to Men’s Health. If you’re older than that, then we’ve got a cell next to Roman Polanski for you.

2012 SPOILERS AS IF YOU COULDN’T GUESS

The Blind Side holds at number two, with 2012 holding at number three and this film follows the disaster movie formula of letting you think certain people are going to make it, then ruthlessly killing them in the final reel, but of course never the dog. One particular bit of ruthlessness is the situation with George Segal. He’s the musician partner of the father of the heroic scientist played by Chiwetel Ejiofor and he apparently stopped talking to his son when he married a Japanese woman and moved to Japan. Let me get his straight: your best friend and partner is Black, but you’ve got a problem with your son marrying an Asian woman? Now, they’re on a luxury liner that will stop in Japan. How do you think this ends? Think again because there’s a tidal wave coming. Like I said, ruthless. But again, no one would dare kill a dog, so stick with him.

OLD DOG CRAP

Old Dogs opens at number four but this isn’t about dogs and every critic in America would like to kill it. I can’t say that I blame them. I feel personally insulted by the sheer avarice and stupidity of the commercials. Not to mention John Travolta’s horrible, horrible wig. It looks like it something Nicholas Cage had to sell him to pay off his debts. This movie looks like the typical two-dimensional formula crap that Touchstone has made its bread and butter for the last 20 years. Just plug stars into it and voila! Money. The only thing missing is an overplayed Top 40 single to go along with it. But even this obvious crap still broke the top five when, if there were any justice in the world, it should not have.

AND HIS BROTHER, NINJA CATERER

A Christmas Carol holds at number five, followed by Ninja Assassin (the world’s most redundant title), opening at number six and it’s been a loooonnng time since the world has seen a good ninja flick. Okay, maybe none of them were good, but they were all the rage in the 80’s, reaching their apex and eventual downfall with Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles. Now, the Turtles came back with a movie last year with little fanfare, but did pretty well worldwide. It was only a matter of time before humans followed. This is everything you want from a martial arts movie: sadomasochistic training scenes, a revenge storyline, Asians never speaking their native tongue only heavy accented English, guys in pajamas kicking the shit out of guys with guns and so much blood you could surf on it. Seriously, the first death is some guy getting his head sliced off at the jawline and it’s dismemberment and digital blood central from then on. The story is simple: a ninja seeks revenge upon his former clan and an attractive female cop from Europol (what happened to Interpol) gets caught up in it. Seriously, that’s it. But do you really need more? I don’t. The lead ninja in this case is played by Korean superstar, Rain, best known in this country from his rivalry with Stephen Colbert, because I doubt if any of you saw him in Speed Racer. Though half the work is done by his chiseled torso, he does display the charisma that’s undoubtedly part of his success. He also shows some chemistry with the lead actress, Naomie Harris, but don’t think they get down. Just because a black man is in the White House, don’t think Hollywood is prepared to show a sexually active Asian man, especially if he’s sexually active with a woman who is not also Asian.

SOME PEOPLE GOT TO HAVE IT, SOME PEOPLE REALLY NEED IT

Planet 51 is down to number seven and let’s see who else got themselves some Christmas money to do this piece of crap: Jessica Biel whose moment of heat has yet to produce a single successful film and she’s in danger of just being known as Justin Timberlake’s girlfriend; Justin Long who probably tossed this off between doing Apple commercials and doing Drew Barrymore; Gary Oldman trying to bring the number of films his children can actually see up to three; Seann William Scott who did this before Role Models made enough money so that he doesn’t have to and John Cleese who stopped pretending it wasn’t about money when he did his first ginger ale commercial two decades ago.

LADIES IN WAITING

Precious is down to number eight and also in this is Paula Patton, aka, that girl you keep mistaking for Halle Berry at first. She really turned a corner as heir apparent to “the” young black actress. In fact, Zoe Saldana may have sewn it up. Oh, well. Every Halle Berry needs her Vivica Fox. You may not get the Oscars or the paydays, but Halle didn’t get to be in Kill Bill either. Would you rather have that or $14M to do Catwoman?

IS THIS WHAT WE CALL TYPE CASTING?

The Fantastic Mr. Fox enters the top ten at number nine followed by The Men Who Stare At Goats at ten, giving George Clooney two films in the top ten and ironically the one where you don’t see his face is getting rave reviews. I do mean to see it, but I thought I was going to be able to see The Princess & the Frog, only to find out it was some sort of Disney “Milk the little bastards for all they’re worth” even where tickets were $30 and $50. And can you believe that fucking thing was still sold out at 10:00 am!?! This left me too annoyed to try and rush over to catch another movie.

ADVENTURES IN MOVIE GEEKLAND

When I decided to finally bite the bullet and buy the high definition flatscreen I knew it would only lead to more spending, because then I’d have to get the Blu-ray DVD player and then I’d have to start replacing my DVDs. I thought I could put it off, but like my impetus to first buy a DVD player all the years ago, I was once again forced (forced, I say!) by the movie studios who started putting shit on DVD that wasn’t available on VHS. Now, they’re putting shit on Blu-ray that’s not available on the regular DVD and nothing irks me like knowing there’s something out there I haven’t seen. So once again, I began to do my research and the best-reviewed, affordable Blu-Ray player came from Panasonic. I would have put it on hold until after Christmas, but then I was watching TV on Wednesday and I see an ad for it as part of PC Richards “Black Friday” sale for $99. Yes, I was put in the position of having to buy something now to save money later as the cheapest I’d found it was $140. That brought me to the unthinkable: up at 6:00 am to get one. The last time I saw sunrise I was coming home from a night out with Chasing Amy, but there I was on a bus down to 23^rd street to get my new toy. There’s a Best Buy on 23^rd nearby and they literally had a line down the block. I couldn’t help but smile knowing those suckers were getting ripped off because Best Buy jacks their prices up beforehand so they can claim a sale when they drop them again. You should only buy “loss leaders” from Best Buy, which is to say the discounted New Releases that are supposed to entice you in so you might buy something else. I never buy anything else. Now when I bought the TV I was encouraged to buy the HDMI cable, which provides the best resolution for HD. I refused because the TV should come with one and I was right. I thought the same for the DVD player and I was wrong, but it would have to wait because I needed to get some sleep. Later, when I woke up in the afternoon, I did my online research and found those suckers usually start at $20 even at Radio Shack and of course no one was marking them down for “Black Friday.” I ultimately found one at Blockbuster of all places for $15---only to peel back the label when I got home and see that it was originally $10. Despite all my efforts not to be I was still buggered in the end by “The Man.” Now, what good is this expense and effort with nothing to watch? Remember what I said about Best Buy’s “loss leaders”? Well, now was the time to exploit it. Blu-Ray DVDs are as expensive and DVDs used to be, starting in the $25-$30 range. So, when I saw movies I needed to replace marked down to $7.99 it was time to go, especially since like the TV, I was able to sell off the old DVD player on Craig’s List. I had cash in my pockets! Sadly, because all this silly technoshit is the province of dudes, there’s not much in the way romantic comedies on Blu-Ray, but every stupid action or horror film seems available. I mean, how the fuck is Over The Top with Sylvester Stallone on Blu-Ray but Four Weddings and a Funeral is not!?! And how can you only have the first Matrix film available and not the others? Well they are if you’re going to bend over and buy the trilogy and I will not have Matrix Revolutions in my house. But the first was also on-sale and what they say about Blu-ray is true. I never knew Switch (the girl dressed in white) was wearing a translucent top with nothing on underneath until now. I also feel on a first name basis with Lawrence Fishburne’s acne scars. And I can’t remember the last time I saw Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan and thought, “Ooh, pretty.” But the biggest thing on my list was getting Up. It was too beautiful onscreen to ever think of buying it on regular DVD so Blu-Ray meant I could finally get it. Well, after the sale knocked it down from $35 to $20 in a big Disney family pack, which comes with a Blu-Ray disc, a regular DVD (presumably for the kid’s room or for travel) and a digital copy to put on your iPod. God fucking forbid you just want one of them at a cheaper price point. But it is glorious in high definition and again I cried like a baby through the opening scenes. Now my big problem is restraining myself to replace everything I can because it’s on sale. Yes, Ronin is on sale for $8, but when was the last time I even watched it? And is there any real point in replacing a crappy film like Wolverine? It’s not like high-def is going to make it suck less. I rented Star Trek to see the deleted scenes, but tried watching the whole thing again, only to give up because it still sucks and annoys me. Thank goodness I had Wrath of Khan to wash the taste away. And why would I ever want the complete Buck Rogers TV series on Blu-Ray? I wouldn’t but it’s only $10! Someone please stop me! I’ve got a credit card and internet access! I need an intervention!

Buck Rogers
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SOMEWHERE BRAM STOKER IS PISSED

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IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT

1. 2012/Sony Wknd/$ 65.0 Total/$ 65.0

2. A Christmas Carol/Disney Wknd/$ 22.3 Total/$ 63.3

3. The Men Who Stare at Goats/ Wknd/$ 6.2 Total/$ 23.4

4. Precious/Lions Wknd/$ 6.1 Total/$ 8.9

5. Michael Jackson’s This Is It Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 68.2

6. The Fourth Kind/Universal Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 20.6

7. Couples Retreat/Universal Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 102.1

8. Paranormal Activity/Paramount Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 103.8

9. Law Abiding Citizen/Over Wknd/$ 3.9 Total/$ 67.3

10. The Box/Warner Bros. Wknd/$ 3.2 Total/$ 13.2

BUT FOR ONCE WE DON’T WATCH NYC GET WIPED OUT

2012 opens at number one and I have one question: when your calendar runs out at the end of the year, do you expect the fucking world to end? No, so I join the actual Mayans who wonder what the fuck is wrong with you people who think that this calendar ending means the end of the world. That said, it’s a good thing people do subscribe to this, otherwise we wouldn’t have a perfectly serviceable piece of disaster porn. We have an odd fetish of watching beloved buildings being destroyed and this satisfies that need in spades, especially if you’re an American…or hate America for that matter. LA goes down in serious detail. They even find a way of showing the subway’s destruction. Of course actual science and the laws of physics have no place here, or the family we’re rooting for to survive would be dead at the first signs of trouble (um, you shouldn’t be able to drive on broken streets, much less accelerate). But perhaps the biggest piece of suspension of disbelief is that the world leaders would not only believe scientists who tell them the world is ending, but they’d be somewhat prepared when it did---though not so prepared they’d have a manned space station set up to coordinate things even though an international space station is part of our currently reality. I won’t even get into cell phones still working when half the world is underwater. But seriously: we need to see buildings all over the world be destroyed. Yeah, it was fun watching the Sistine Chapel fall on the pope and cardinals praying for salvation (the crack that leads to it of course goes right between God reaching out to touch Adam, signifying the covenant was broken and we were on are own) but there’s a world filled with landmarks to wipe out. Let’s see Big Ben tumble! And you can never see The Eiffel Tower fall too much! The Pyramids and the Sphinx have had a good run, time to go! Considering part of the film takes place in China it seems odd we don’t see The Great Wall of China go down. Or when a tidal wave hits India, the death of the Taj Mahal. And what about the Sydney Opera House, those giant twin skyscrapers in Thailand, Tokyo going down without a monster present…so many choices. And Dubai is simply fucking evil, so if you’re going to take Las Vegas down (and they do), you have to take that hellish place too. I think I speak for moviegoers everywhere when I say we’d rather see more destruction than John Cusack bonding with his son in the middle of it.

SOME MOVIES AND CAREERS ARE LIKE COCKROACHES

A Christmas Carol is down to number two and while I’d love to join others in predicting its failure, I once did that for The Polar Express only to see it do better and better as the holidays approached and be saved by IMAX. You see, it’s hard to kill evil.

PERSONALLY, I’M DRUNK, BUT WHATEVER WORKS FOR YOU

The Men Who Stare at Goats holds at number three and also in this is Jeff Bridges who has for his entire career been the most underrated combination of looks and talent. He’s never been considered B-list, but he’s never gotten the type of attention an A-lister usually gets either, though he’s always in A-list films doing top work (his Oscar nomination for The Contender is well-deserved). But I’m still waiting for him and Beau to do a big screen version of Sea Hunt. In the meantime A SEQUEL TO TRON IS COMING! It’s telling that it and The Big Lebowski are his two most beloved films. The Last Picture Show may be considered a work of art, but who the hell wants to watch that stoned at two in the morning?

I SWEAR IT’S NOT SELF-HATRED

Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire enters the top ten at number four and what the fuck is up with that title? It’s a sad statement that either the writer was that egotistical or---and this is the more likely scenario---they felt the book’s audience would be too dumb to realize it had been made into a movie without it. Now, I’d like to see this, but probably won’t because seeing it in the theater means seeing it with bruthas and sistas and “seeing” is all I’d be able to do, because hearing actual dialogue will not be an option. It’ll probably be on video in time for Oscar season, so I’ll check it out then.

LET’S SAY MICHAEL WAS GRENDEL…

This Is It is down to number five and the fucking monster that Joe Jackson is almost makes me feel sorry for Michael Jackson, because it’s pretty clear he was doomed to be utterly fucked up.

A QUEEN OF GEEKS

The Fourth Kind is down to number six and starring in this is Milia Jovovich and if it’s better to rule in hell than serve in heaven, then she is a queen as she never appears as a supporting player in mainstream A-list Hollywood fare, but stars in her own genre flicks and yes, there is a fourth Resident Evil movie coming. Don’t ask me how considering the world had pretty much been destroyed in the third one, but it’s coming. I ended my pain with the second one and only saw that because it promised me a hot girl in a mini-skirt with guns. I’m easily swayed.

IT’S LIKE YOUR LOCAL THEATER HAS A MILD RASH

Still hanging around at number seven is Couples Retreat and in the business this is what we call “having legs” and while $124M worldwide isn’t nearly as impressive as it should be with a $70M budget (next time use Hawaii as paradise), it’s nothing to sneeze at either and will probably have a long life on DVD and cable.

MRS. ROBINSON WOULD BE PROUD

Paranormal Retreat is down to number eight, followed by Law Abiding Citizen at number nine and closing out the top ten at number ten is The Box, and add to the list of misfires for this movie is setting it in the 70’s. What the fuck for? And while I wouldn’t see it, part of me wanted it to do better because a) I’m a geek and Richard Matheson is a minor god, and b) it’s one of the rare movies where you’ll see an actress with a man not only prettier than she is, but younger. Yeah, I know Sandra Bullock did it twice this year alone, but she’s the producer of her films now. That makes sense. The irony here is, the last hit Cameron Diaz had was with a younger man prettier than she is: Ashton Kutcher in What Happens in Vegas.

IT’S NOT LIKE I NEED MONEY FOR DATING OR ANYTHING

So, I finally did it: I bought a flatscreen like I’ve been talking about doing for the past year, only every time I started preparing for it, something else came up like rent or food or seeing my family at Christmas and buying them gifts (damn moochers). Then there’s the fact I suffer from the worst buyer’s remorse in all of recorded human history. Every major purchase I make is followed by intense guilt and regret over not using the money for more constructive reasons and I spend the next few weeks scouring the sales in the paper looking for better deals to torture myself with how much I could have saved had I just waited a week, or a month or six months, utterly ignoring that I wouldn’t have been using said purchase for all that time. I almost bought this a month ago when I found an open box sale at Best Buy for $50 off the regular price. I was literally in line with it in my hand when I chickened out. The whole “open box” thing rubbed me the wrong way. As did my usual path, which would be to buy it off eBay. I needed to be able to go to a store and yell at people should something go wrong (also, there’s the matter of warranties that don’t exist that way). But on the upside, my nonstop research served to eliminate brands like Toshiba. The model I had in mind had just as many complaints as it did praise. Also, numerous visits resulted in Panasonic looking the best in my eyes (Sony was clearly out of the price range), so that was the deal I was looking for. Only it never really came. At best it was one of those “only a few pieces at this price” things. Eventually, the fatigue of the hunt set in and so long as it was under $400 I didn’t care any more. I found it at B&H for $380 and it was a go. Panasonic, 32-inches (LCD, 720p) was not only all my budget allowed for but space as well. Yeah, I could have then gone to Best Buy and had them match it, but I hate Best Buy because they jack up prices the week before a sale so they can say they lowered them. Because I did it on a Sunday, I couldn’t go down to TimeWarner cable and get my new HD box, so I’m really not getting all I can from basic viewing, but DVD’s sure as hell look nicer (don’t make my think of BluRay right now or I’ll start to cry) and I haven’t even fine-tuned the picture settings yet. The model I have oddly comes with an iPod dock but apparently this is fairly common these days, but who the hell plugs their iPod into their TV!?! I mean I guess this allows me to now run my iPod through my stereo but still. Now my only issue is, of course, the remorse, especially when the holiday sales kick in. I’m trying to head it off by looking at a website that tracks price drops and this same unit was selling for $600 back in July and was $500 as recently as September. I’m not saying it’s working, I’m just saying I’m trying that. I’ll feel better if someone actually buys my old one off Craigslist (if for no other reason than to get this big ass thing off my floor and save me from hauling it to Goodwill). But you know what my real problem is? My old CRT TV was big enough for me to safely put my superhero statues on it. The new one, not so much. Maybe if I get some these damn books off my bookshelves I’ll have room for the things that really matter.

REM End of the world
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