1. The Twilight Saga: New Moon Wknd/$ 42.5 Total/$ 230.7
2. The Blind Side/Warner Wknd/$ 40.1 Total/$ 100.3
3. 2012/Sony Wknd/$ 18.0 Total/$ 138.8
4. Old Dogs/Touchstone Wknd/$ 16.8 Total/$ 24.1
5. A Christmas Carol/Disney Wknd/$ 16.0 Total/$ 105.4
6. Ninja Assassin/Warner Wknd/$ 13.1 Total/$ 21.0
7. Planet 51/Sony Wknd/$ 10.2 Total/$ 28.5
8. Precious/Lions Wknd/$ 7.1 Total/$ 32.5
9. The Fantasic Mr. Fox Wknd/$ 7.0 Total/$ 10.1
10. The Men Who Stare at Goats/ Wknd/$ 1.5 Total/$ 30.6
ONE PERSON’S CHILD PORN IS A CHILD’S REGULAR PORN
The Twilight Saga: New Moon holds at number one and when I see this werewolf kid on the cover of magazines in a wet t-shirt, I understand why Kristin Davis who made a movie with him when he was still a kid is disturbed. Like so many female models, that may be an adult’s body, but that’s still a kid’s face and seeing him trying to do “sexy” looks is just plain creepy. But I guess it’s okay if you’re a teenage girl just now discovering the many uses of the shower massage. For you, there’s like a thousand porn magazines from Rolling Stone to Men’s Health. If you’re older than that, then we’ve got a cell next to Roman Polanski for you.
2012 SPOILERS AS IF YOU COULDN’T GUESS
The Blind Side holds at number two, with 2012 holding at number three and this film follows the disaster movie formula of letting you think certain people are going to make it, then ruthlessly killing them in the final reel, but of course never the dog. One particular bit of ruthlessness is the situation with George Segal. He’s the musician partner of the father of the heroic scientist played by Chiwetel Ejiofor and he apparently stopped talking to his son when he married a Japanese woman and moved to Japan. Let me get his straight: your best friend and partner is Black, but you’ve got a problem with your son marrying an Asian woman? Now, they’re on a luxury liner that will stop in Japan. How do you think this ends? Think again because there’s a tidal wave coming. Like I said, ruthless. But again, no one would dare kill a dog, so stick with him.
OLD DOG CRAP
Old Dogs opens at number four but this isn’t about dogs and every critic in America would like to kill it. I can’t say that I blame them. I feel personally insulted by the sheer avarice and stupidity of the commercials. Not to mention John Travolta’s horrible, horrible wig. It looks like it something Nicholas Cage had to sell him to pay off his debts. This movie looks like the typical two-dimensional formula crap that Touchstone has made its bread and butter for the last 20 years. Just plug stars into it and voila! Money. The only thing missing is an overplayed Top 40 single to go along with it. But even this obvious crap still broke the top five when, if there were any justice in the world, it should not have.
AND HIS BROTHER, NINJA CATERER
A Christmas Carol holds at number five, followed by Ninja Assassin (the world’s most redundant title), opening at number six and it’s been a loooonnng time since the world has seen a good ninja flick. Okay, maybe none of them were good, but they were all the rage in the 80’s, reaching their apex and eventual downfall with Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles. Now, the Turtles came back with a movie last year with little fanfare, but did pretty well worldwide. It was only a matter of time before humans followed. This is everything you want from a martial arts movie: sadomasochistic training scenes, a revenge storyline, Asians never speaking their native tongue only heavy accented English, guys in pajamas kicking the shit out of guys with guns and so much blood you could surf on it. Seriously, the first death is some guy getting his head sliced off at the jawline and it’s dismemberment and digital blood central from then on. The story is simple: a ninja seeks revenge upon his former clan and an attractive female cop from Europol (what happened to Interpol) gets caught up in it. Seriously, that’s it. But do you really need more? I don’t. The lead ninja in this case is played by Korean superstar, Rain, best known in this country from his rivalry with Stephen Colbert, because I doubt if any of you saw him in Speed Racer. Though half the work is done by his chiseled torso, he does display the charisma that’s undoubtedly part of his success. He also shows some chemistry with the lead actress, Naomie Harris, but don’t think they get down. Just because a black man is in the White House, don’t think Hollywood is prepared to show a sexually active Asian man, especially if he’s sexually active with a woman who is not also Asian.
SOME PEOPLE GOT TO HAVE IT, SOME PEOPLE REALLY NEED IT
Planet 51 is down to number seven and let’s see who else got themselves some Christmas money to do this piece of crap: Jessica Biel whose moment of heat has yet to produce a single successful film and she’s in danger of just being known as Justin Timberlake’s girlfriend; Justin Long who probably tossed this off between doing Apple commercials and doing Drew Barrymore; Gary Oldman trying to bring the number of films his children can actually see up to three; Seann William Scott who did this before Role Models made enough money so that he doesn’t have to and John Cleese who stopped pretending it wasn’t about money when he did his first ginger ale commercial two decades ago.
LADIES IN WAITING
Precious is down to number eight and also in this is Paula Patton, aka, that girl you keep mistaking for Halle Berry at first. She really turned a corner as heir apparent to “the” young black actress. In fact, Zoe Saldana may have sewn it up. Oh, well. Every Halle Berry needs her Vivica Fox. You may not get the Oscars or the paydays, but Halle didn’t get to be in Kill Bill either. Would you rather have that or $14M to do Catwoman?
IS THIS WHAT WE CALL TYPE CASTING?
The Fantastic Mr. Fox enters the top ten at number nine followed by The Men Who Stare At Goats at ten, giving George Clooney two films in the top ten and ironically the one where you don’t see his face is getting rave reviews. I do mean to see it, but I thought I was going to be able to see The Princess & the Frog, only to find out it was some sort of Disney “Milk the little bastards for all they’re worth” even where tickets were $30 and $50. And can you believe that fucking thing was still sold out at 10:00 am!?! This left me too annoyed to try and rush over to catch another movie.
ADVENTURES IN MOVIE GEEKLAND
When I decided to finally bite the bullet and buy the high definition flatscreen I knew it would only lead to more spending, because then I’d have to get the Blu-ray DVD player and then I’d have to start replacing my DVDs. I thought I could put it off, but like my impetus to first buy a DVD player all the years ago, I was once again forced (forced, I say!) by the movie studios who started putting shit on DVD that wasn’t available on VHS. Now, they’re putting shit on Blu-ray that’s not available on the regular DVD and nothing irks me like knowing there’s something out there I haven’t seen. So once again, I began to do my research and the best-reviewed, affordable Blu-Ray player came from Panasonic. I would have put it on hold until after Christmas, but then I was watching TV on Wednesday and I see an ad for it as part of PC Richards “Black Friday” sale for $99. Yes, I was put in the position of having to buy something now to save money later as the cheapest I’d found it was $140. That brought me to the unthinkable: up at 6:00 am to get one. The last time I saw sunrise I was coming home from a night out with Chasing Amy, but there I was on a bus down to 23rd street to get my new toy. There’s a Best Buy on 23rd nearby and they literally had a line down the block. I couldn’t help but smile knowing those suckers were getting ripped off because Best Buy jacks their prices up beforehand so they can claim a sale when they drop them again. You should only buy “loss leaders” from Best Buy, which is to say the discounted New Releases that are supposed to entice you in so you might buy something else. I never buy anything else. Now when I bought the TV I was encouraged to buy the HDMI cable, which provides the best resolution for HD. I refused because the TV should come with one and I was right. I thought the same for the DVD player and I was wrong, but it would have to wait because I needed to get some sleep. Later, when I woke up in the afternoon, I did my online research and found those suckers usually start at $20 even at Radio Shack and of course no one was marking them down for “Black Friday.” I ultimately found one at Blockbuster of all places for $15---only to peel back the label when I got home and see that it was originally $10. Despite all my efforts not to be I was still buggered in the end by “The Man.” Now, what good is this expense and effort with nothing to watch? Remember what I said about Best Buy’s “loss leaders”? Well, now was the time to exploit it. Blu-Ray DVDs are as expensive and DVDs used to be, starting in the $25-$30 range. So, when I saw movies I needed to replace marked down to $7.99 it was time to go, especially since like the TV, I was able to sell off the old DVD player on Craig’s List. I had cash in my pockets! Sadly, because all this silly technoshit is the province of dudes, there’s not much in the way romantic comedies on Blu-Ray, but every stupid action or horror film seems available. I mean, how the fuck is Over The Top with Sylvester Stallone on Blu-Ray but Four Weddings and a Funeral is not!?! And how can you only have the first Matrix film available and not the others? Well they are if you’re going to bend over and buy the trilogy and I will not have Matrix Revolutions in my house. But the first was also on-sale and what they say about Blu-ray is true. I never knew Switch (the girl dressed in white) was wearing a translucent top with nothing on underneath until now. I also feel on a first name basis with Lawrence Fishburne’s acne scars. And I can’t remember the last time I saw Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan and thought, “Ooh, pretty.” But the biggest thing on my list was getting Up. It was too beautiful onscreen to ever think of buying it on regular DVD so Blu-Ray meant I could finally get it. Well, after the sale knocked it down from $35 to $20 in a big Disney family pack, which comes with a Blu-Ray disc, a regular DVD (presumably for the kid’s room or for travel) and a digital copy to put on your iPod. God fucking forbid you just want one of them at a cheaper price point. But it is glorious in high definition and again I cried like a baby through the opening scenes. Now my big problem is restraining myself to replace everything I can because it’s on sale. Yes, Ronin is on sale for $8, but when was the last time I even watched it? And is there any real point in replacing a crappy film like Wolverine? It’s not like high-def is going to make it suck less. I rented Star Trek to see the deleted scenes, but tried watching the whole thing again, only to give up because it still sucks and annoys me. Thank goodness I had Wrath of Khan to wash the taste away. And why would I ever want the complete Buck Rogers TV series on Blu-Ray? I wouldn’t but it’s only $10! Someone please stop me! I’ve got a credit card and internet access! I need an intervention!
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