FUNNY VS. MONEY

1. Monsters Vs. Aliens/DreamW Wknd/$ 58.2 Total/$ 58.2
2. Haunting in Connecticut/LGF Wknd/$ 23.0 Total/$ 23.0
3. Knowing/Summit Wknd/$ 14.7 Total/$ 46.2
4. I Love You, Man/Paramount Wknd/$ 12.6 Total/$ 37.0
5.Duplicity/Universal Wknd/$ 7.6 Total/$ 25.6
6. Race To Witch Mountain/Disney Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 53.3
7. 12 Rounds/Fox Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 5.3
8. Watchmen/Warner Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 103.3
9. Taken/Fox Wknd/$ 2.7 Total/$ 137.1
10. The Last House On The Left/Uni Wknd/$ 2.6 Total/$ 28.5

EARTH VS THE FLYING SAUCERS WAS FUNNIER
Monsters Vs. Aliens opens at number one and whatever Pixar is doing they need to lock it up in a vault like the recipe for Coke or Kentucky Fried Chicken, because no one else even comes close and this is another example of that. You’d think with such a premise you’d have so many jokes you wouldn’t know what to do. Well, the five people who worked on this screenplay were apparently frozen by the prospect they could barely create any at all. When Seth Rogen essentially ad libbing his role as a Blob is the comic highlight, you have a problem. The first problem is that they take monsters from the 50’s rather than modern ones (not that we really create them much any more). You have The Missing Link (The Creature From The Black Lagoon), Insectasauris (Mothra), Dr. Cockroach (The Fly), Bob (The Blob), Ginormica (Attack of the 50 Foot Woman). I get the impression that the writers may have just been too young to know what to do with them as they were very much products of their time. I mean shouldn’t there have been some satire on their roles as monsters? How they may be outdated in today’s modern world of Freddy, Jason, Predators and Aliens? Or how much money the government has spent keeping them on ice for 50 years with no return on it? They’re promised release if they fight the aliens, when it would have been funnier if they were being released anyway due to budget cuts. There are just sooo many ripe targets in this and they touch on none of them, instead choosing very sitcom level jokes like Dr. Cockroach loving garbage or The Missing Link being out of shape. Yeah, exactly. And just as they clearly have no idea what to do with these characters, they have even less of an idea of what to do with the 3-D effect. Granted, it looks nice, but shouldn’t I feel like shit’s coming at me? Shouldn’t I feel somewhat involved in what’s going on onscreen? I didn’t and you won’t.

A BIG GULP…OF TERROR!
The Haunting in Connecticut opens at number two and if the only thing stopping you from liking The Amityville Horror was it was it being a bit too New Englandy then rejoice. We’ve moved it to the tri-state area. Eventually every state will get a movie about a house that’s suspiciously cheap with a history that the agent either neglects to mention or that people ignore to later regret. Make a date for POLTERGIESTS IN PENNSYLVANIA! APPARITIONS IN ARKANSAS! I’m thinking if you’re an agent, wouldn’t it be worth your while to have it exorcised so that you could raise the price? And if you’re an investor, tear the frigging house down and make is something else. Haven’t heard many stories about a 7-11 being haunted because it was built over a graveyard---though that would be hysterical. “The microwave burritos! They are possessed! And the Slurpee has the taste of HELLFIRE!” Needless to say, I didn’t see this. I don’t do the scary and this was actually trying to be scary, not simple torture porn like we’ve seen to recently.

I DON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE, MAN
Knowing is down to number three followed by I Love You Man at number four and this was written and directed by the writer of the Meet The Parents movies as well as Along Came Polly, which isn’t awful, but not exactly giving me confidence. And while he was also a writer on Undeclared, this pegs him as a member of the Apatow Clique, which means two-dimensional women and men who remain lovable despite being somewhat assholish and just from the trailer you can see Jason Segel is living up to his end of the deal.

PRETTY SCHADENFREUDE
Duplicity is down to number five and at just $25M they haven’t even paid for the salaries of Julia Roberts and Clive Own yet. Heh-heh-heh.

THAT THING YOU DID STILL DOESN’T WORK
Race To Witch Mountain is down to number six and also in this is Tom Everett Scott who was once a “hot young thing” when he was chosen by Tom Hanks to play the “Tom Hanks Role” in the vastly underrated That Thing You Do. I can only conclude the failure of that film was because it was too nice. I mean, Grease was raunchier. You can pretty much run That Thing You Do uncut on TV. I can’t think of a single curse word that occurs in it. His second misfire was An American Werewolf in Paris alongside Julie Delpy, who also never caught on, proving once again that we like our Frenchwomen with short dark hair. Then came The Love Letter, which was produced by Steven Spielberg, and starring his wife, Kate Capshaw. Again a movie that should have done better, didn’t but is fun to watch on a Sunday afternoon. Then came a show that’s laughable now: The $treet, which was about brokers on Wall Street. Jennifer Connelly played his love interest, but she obviously rebounded much better than he did. The failure of that was the beginning of the end. The next time you saw him he has “blink-and-you-miss-it” role in Van Wilder. Since then it’s been TV and more TV with reoccurring roles on e.r., Law & Order and Cashmere Mafia. He had another shot with a TNT show, but they don’t always take and his didn’t. Geek connection: he was the voice of Booster Gold on the Justice League series.

MAKES COMMANDO LOOK LIKE THE GODFATHER
12 Rounds opens at number seven and do you know how dumb you have to be to be considered a dumb action movie? I saw the trailer for this and my head started to hurt it was so stupid. The Rock not withstanding, if a wrestler is starring in it, it’s going to be crap. I mean crap so bad it makes Lethal Weapon look like Citizen fucking Kane. Saddest part? This was directed by Renny Harlin, who was on his way to being an action movie auteur in the 80’s with Die Hard and Cliff Hanger. Then came the train wreck that was Cutthroat Island, which put the brakes on all of it. He never came back, though I insist The Long Kiss Goodnight is underrated. Deep Blue Sea was a minor bounce back, but Driven then dragged him back down and down he’s stayed, which is why he’s now making movies with wrestlers. Somewhere his ex-wife, Geena Davis, is laughing because rumor has it their marriage ended when she walked in on him banging his assistant (though the devastation that was Cutthroat Island cooled her career just as much).

SHOWING YOUR JUNK DOESN’T MAKE IT ART
Watchmen is down to number eight and speaking of “hot young things” that made good movies which were supposed to put them on top, Billy Crudup (and his penis) are in this and you can’t make a better movie than almost famous and I can’t tell you why it failed. It definitely wasn’t too nice. All I can think of was that it was just too smart a movie to be released in the summer. Now Billy Crudup runs some bullshit about not wanting to be a star. Yeah, that’s why you were in Mission Impossible 3 and made this with Zack fucking Synder, because you’re interested in art. And yes, I’m team Mary Louise Parker and will never forgive him for dumping her when she was eight months pregnant for friggin’ Claire Danes---who just got engaged to actor Hugh Dancy and is now praying that karma doesn’t really exist.

THE END
Taken is down to number nine followed by Last House on the Left at number ten

WHEN NUDITY WAS GROOVY
Recently my friend the Fitness Woman used a picture of herself from when she was 15 as her Facebook picture. It’s soft-focus, heavy on the make-up with a white fur. Basically, it looks like porn. And creepy porn when you realize she was only 15 (and it was her dad’s idea of classy). In fact, I told her it reminded me of something from Penthouse in 1979 and that her photographer may have been moonlighting. As a joke I went looking for the photo it reminded me of and scarily enough it was a Penthouse cover from 1979. Obviously this made an impression on me to stay for so long and the realization reawakened something that briefly made an appearance at home over Christmas: an appreciation of men’s magazines from the 70’s (I’m not alone in this as Playboy recently started a function on their website where you can see ever cover ever published and I learned my favorite was September 1977). I know I’m getting old fogey, but they were truly better then (lack of minorities not withstanding). No one had fake boobs, was borderline anorexic AND THEY HAD PUBIC HAIR LIKE GROWN WOMEN ARE SUPPOSED TO! Even the photography was different with more natural light than you’d ever see today. And while there was retouching, they weren’t photoshopped into unrecognizable plasticine perfection. So I went to eBay and sure enough, for $9 you can get a year’s worth of magazines from 30 years ago and that’s exactly what I did. A few times actually, but I realized that my window of nostalgia was very narrow. Nothing after 1980 so, everything I got after that I resold on eBay. I turned 14 then and apparently whatever fascination I had vanished. Maybe the thrill was abated when social interaction with actual girls began (or semi-began considering I was a geek), but the three years before then is permanently engraved on my psyche. I can remember almost every aspect about any magazine I saw in that time period; the giddy thrill of seeing something new and forbidden alongside the anxiousness of getting caught and realization of the limited time I had to look everything over. The adult owner in question---uncle, family friend we were visiting, whomever---would be back soon and I needed to take in as much as possible as quickly as possible. No matter how beautiful the girl, I didn’t have much time to dwell on just her. I had to see them all. And they were all beautiful. They seemed so much older and sophisticated at the time, but now as an adult I realize they were just children. Especially now when I read their profiles. I shake my head with amusement at Daniella’s dream to be a writer, while she sits nude on a beach, her legs akimbo, clutching both breasts in her hands. Michelle wants to work with children. Most likely soon after she stops faux-masturbating on the hood of that Mercedes. I also realize now these women are in their 50’s at the very least and may have gorgeous daughters the same age they were when they took these photos (and supremely nervous fathers as a result). Knowing far too much about these women I know there were no books written and very little social work done. After a few appearances as “the naked girl” in movies they all wound up marrying wealthy real estate investors…or escorting, then marrying a wealthy real estate investor. But the real treats now are the ads, ads for the modern, sexy man-on-the-go, usually featuring some guy with a mustache and chest hair. Apparently women aren’t the only ones who were plucked over the last 30 years, as up until the 80’s, you needed hair to be a man. And three pages for a single cigarette ad!?! Can you imagine that now? And of course every other article was about sex in the 70’s and how great it was after the sexual revolution. Needless to say it was cruel for someone to see all this then finally come of age under Regan and AIDs. Though the vanishing pubic hair thing didn’t happen until Clinton. Which makes perfect sense if you think about it, because he seems like the kind of freak who likes it that way.

NIGHTS WILL BE FOREVER WITHOUT HIM
England Dan of England Day & John Ford Coley died of cancer last week. He and his brother were gods of 70’s lite AM rock. No, John Ford Coley was not his brother. His full name was Dan Seals and his brother was Seals of Seals & Croft. Yeah, any trip to a dentist’s office is like a Seals family reunion. And for the last time the lyrics are “I’m not talkin’ ‘bout movin’ in” not “I’m not talkin’ about the linen.”

GUNS AND 'RHOIDS

1. Knowing/Summit Wknd/$ 24.8 Total/$ 24.8
2. I Love You, Man/Paramount Wknd/$ 18.0 Total/$ 18.0
3.Duplicity/Universal Wknd/$ 14.4 Total/$ 14.4
4. Race To Witch Mountain/Disney Wknd/$ 13.0 Total/$ 44.7
5. Watchmen/Warner Wknd/$ 6.7 Total/$ 98.1
6. The Last House On The Left/Uni Wknd/$ 5.9 Total/$ 24.0
7. Taken/Fox Wknd/$ 4.1 Total/$ 133.1
8. Slumdog Millionaire/Fox Searchlight Wknd/$ 2.7 Total/$ 137.2
9. Madea Goes To Jail/LGF Wknd/$ 2.5 Total/$ 87.2
10. Coraline/Focus Wknd/$ 2.1 Total/$ 72.8

I KNOW THIS MUCH IS TRUE
Knowing opens at number one and “knowing” this came from the director of I, Robot and “knowing” it starred Nicholas Cage, I was suddenly “knowing” I’d be sleeping in and not wasting my time seeing it. Predicting the end of the world? Sorry, but unless the world actually ends, this will inevitably wind up just being more of the same old, same old. Not to mention, when the director (who obviously got lucky with The Crow, because everything since then has been disappointing) mentioned something about religion being a part of it I knew it was over, because if I wanted that shit I’d be watching the Left Behind series with Kirk Cameron. That was the real killer for me, because then it was no longer science fiction, but some sort of religious tripe under guise of science fiction and having recently endured that in Battlestar Galactica, I wasn’t about to pay for more. Honestly, I’d rather have seen National Treasure 3---and I have no desire to see National Treasure 3.

I’D LOVE YOU MAN…IF YOU WERE BETTER LOOKING
I Love You, Man opens at number two and you’d think a movie about a guy with all girl friends looking for a dude pal would have some resonance with me, but honestly I’m sick of all these man-boy movies. Yeah, yeah, I see the irony in me saying that, but my manchild behavior is limited strictly to my hobbies. I’m not spending hours with other dudes acting like I’m 14. I’m out shoe shopping, goddamnit. And as a guy with a lot of girl friends, I don’t understand why he’d need to have a best man anyway. Why not “Best Woman” or “Best Person”? Why does it have to be some dude he barely knows rather than a woman who knows him well? It pretty much dies right there with me. It actually goes against the very concept of his character that he’d even be doing this and if his fianceé was the one forcing it only him due to her concept of what a wedding should be, then she’d either accept his brother in the role or the movie would be about him falling for someone else because of his annoying, insecure fiancée. Also not helping this movie is that it’s both illogical and long. I’m not spending almost two hours in a mistake. But honestly, if it were at least two good-looking guys it might have made the cut, but Jason Segel is the other male lead I’m not paying money to see a guy I already ignore on TV. Role Models made me realize just how long we’ve been doing without good-looking guys in comedies since this whole Apatow trend started. Honestly, put Ashton Kutcher in his place and it might have opened at number one.

PRETTY ANNOYING WOMAN
Duplicity opens at number three and while I like Clive Owen and wouldn’t mind seeing him in something not so dark and gloomy for once, I’m not putting up with Julia Roberts’ horsy face and jackass laugh for it. Yeah, you heard me. Twenty years I‘ve put up with this moderately attractive, untalented woman being shoved down my throat as a great beauty with amazing talent and I’ve just about had enough. I thought she was retiring! At least when she made a movie with Tom Hanks there was no sense of loss, here it’s just painful to think of her wasting Clive Owen’s time and talent like this.

WHITE BREAD & MAYO VS. GARLIC BREAD AND RED SAUCE
Race To Witch Mountain is down to number four, followed by Watchmen at number five and what do these two have in common? Carla Gugino, who’s underrated TV show, Karen Cisco, I’m still waiting for on DVD. And a smarter director would have had her play the Malin Ackerman role and herself as a younger woman rather than stick her in lousy old age make-up and force us to endure Ackerman’s line readings. But you can’t ask your average white boy to choose between a curvy brunette in her 30’s and a skinny blonde in her 20’s. It’s no choice at all. I guess that’s why she’s also not going to be in the Night At The Museum sequel as Ben Stiller’s love interest. Methinks he finally learned her real age and decided the script “needed to go in a new direction.” Coincidentally, Malin Ackerman also played Stiller’s love interest in The Heartbreak Kid.

JR JR
Last House On The Left is down to number six and speaking of Julia Roberts, also in this is Monica Potter whose initial claim to fame as a “Hot Young Thing” was that she looked like a blonde Julia Roberts. She’s actually less horsy and prettier…for all the good it did her. Her career derailment was almost instantaneous, from the commercially successful but critically reviled Patch Adams, to Along Came The Spider, the sequel to Kiss The Girls which made the horrendous mistake of taking away the strong female co-star so integral to the success of the first. After that was a horrific romcom with Freddie Prinze Jr (Head Over Heels and yes, I saw it) and the next thing you know she’s back on TV and there she remains, currently on the basic cable show Trust Me and I’m still trying to figure out who is supposed to be watching it.

THE RICH, THEY DIE DIFFERENT THAN YOU AND ME
Taken is down to number seven and poor Liam Neeson. I can’t even rag on yet another rich person dying while skiing this is so sad. What’s ironic is that on the same day, a boxer suffered the same injury in a fight and like her he wasn’t taken to the hospital until he began complaining of headaches. The difference being, he was here in NYC and was at the hospital in minutes and they were able to save him. The doctor later remarked that if they’d waited half an hour longer it would have been too late. That’s how small a window of survival is.

THE REST
Slumdog Millionaire is down to number eight, followed by Madea Goes To Jail at number nine and Coraline closing out the top ten at number ten.

MY ASS? GLAD YOU ASKED…
There’s an ancient tradition in mythology and folklore about people asking for wishes and not being specific enough in the details and wind up suffering for it. After my brain bleed in ’07, I quietly wished for a year of good health. Well, fate took me at my word as three months into ’09 I developed a hemorrhoid the size of a golf ball and had to have it surgically removed. Apparently ’08 was my year and now we’re back to my deterioration. Now, the truth is, everyone has hemorrhoids, except they’re supposed to stay inside your ass and not cause you pain. Mine first began popping out sometime last year. No pain, just this odd anal protrusion that I couldn’t explain. I called The Lunatic, who is the mistress of anal issues (none in a fun way). She explained to me that was a hemorrhoid. It receded within minutes of every appearance so I gave it no thought. That changed last week when, after an uneventful toilet trip something large and painful popped out and showed no signs of retreating. I hoped it would go away while I slept, but it was there to greet me in the morning, even angrier. I found a modest relief in Advil and Preparation H, though the latter’s effect is so slight and it’s so ridiculed amongst sufferers I can’t understand how it remains in business. I even went to my kung fu class, because there’s a funny thing about pain; sometimes it hits a level where it just becomes numbing. You acclimate and just keep going. I tried some homeopathic relief but that just served to strengthen my disregard towards that way thinking. Give me guys in white lab coats over hippies with boiled roots any day. What finally broke me was taking a dump after my kung fu class. I was in so much pain I felt my legs go numb. I’d finally reached a level where acclimation was simply not possible. First thing Thursday I called my doctor to see if I could get an appointment. I got one for 12:15, but didn’t see him until almost one because I was a squeeze in. He’d already made a 2:00 appointment for me downtown with a proctologist based purely on the description I’d given him. See, I didn’t just have an external hemorrhoid, but an external hemorrhoid with a blood clot in it, which is why it was HARDENING and INCREDIBLY PAINFUL. Seriously, it looked like I was giving birth out of my ass. The proctologist saw it and almost immediately told me it had to come off and called the anesthesiologist to come over. So, I’d gone from doctor’s appointment at 12:15 to laser surgery at 4:00. While I’m sure being in Chelsea on all fours naked from the waist down in a room with three strange men being given drugs is just another Friday night for some, it was a heavy Thursday afternoon for me. But whatever painkillers they gave me for surgery should have come home. I literally woke up singing show tunes and felt fine, but the doctor quickly reassured, “That’s the drugs, darling. The pain is coming.” He gave me an “Anal Treatment Plan” which is a list of things I have to do every day to recover. They include Metamucil twice a day, stool softener three times a day, soaking in warm water 3-4 times a day, putting hydrocortisone on the wound 4 times a day and most importantly WEARING A MAXI PAD. Yes, today I am a woman. I go through three a day, changing them after every soak. I’m currently using Stayfree with wings, but I asked my women and Always got the big thumbs up. The pain had already stopped me from eating, but afterwards I lived in fear of that next dump, stool softener or no. I tried to keep my diet protein high and roughage free. Grilled chicken, no bread or salad. I lasted three days, but by Saturday night, it could not be denied. That screaming some of you might have heard was me. Expect to hear variations of it over the next month. But what bothers me most is that while the doctor attributed this to reading on the toilet, I’ve done that all my life with no problems. The only thing new over the last year that involves my ass are the hours spent riding my bike. Sigh. Figures. A type of exercise I genuinely enjoy, that gets me out of the house and it hurts me.

HAND ON THE GLOCK
Needless to say, I won’t be attending kung fu for a while but my break comes on a high note with my class: a field trip to a firing range. I suppose it’s the height of irony that my first experience with firearms comes through my martial arts class, but I like to think of it being honest an excellent dose of perspective. After all, from Day One I’ve been told by all my teachers that a wallet is not worth dying for. My first instructor even once told me a black belt was knowing “just enough to go and get yourself killed” so an outing to a shooting range by my martial arts class actually makes perfect sense. It helps that my sifu is a Federal officer (you find lots of cops in martial arts) so it’s not like he’s some gun nut preaching the gospel of firearms. I wanted to go because quite frankly I’ve got a bit of a fear of guns. I’ve no illusion about their raison d’etre and the power to do so in the hands of any idiot anywhere is a bit scary. But while I’m a liberal who believes in gun control, I’m a southern liberal and fully believe in the right to bear arms (the cornerstones to freedom are being well-informed and well armed, which is why these are our first two amendments, kids) but, this doesn’t make them any less scary to me, so I signed up to confront my fears. We were at the West Side Shooting Club, which is on 20th Street near 5th Ave, so “west” is very much a technicality. The range is in the basement and we met in one of the two classrooms for a brief class on gun safety, mechanics and stances beforehand. From there we went off to shoot with our weapons of choice. There were .22s, .32s, .38s, .40s and of course the 9mm. It was $20 for a box of shells and as it was my first time, my sifu recommended I start with a .22 and if I wanted I could try something else later, which 15 years of gangsta rap told me had to be the .9mm (“...’cause when I got my neener then you know I’m straight trippin’…"). Unfortunately, everyone was starting out and the .22 list became too long, so we were advised to move over to a shorter list. This is how I wound up with the .38 Smith & Wesson revolver. Don’t kid yourself. It’s a freaking cannon and it had quite a kick. Movies won’t be quite the same now that I know what a real gun sounds like and they have a scary noise to accompany a scary purpose. I did okay, but my first shot was so off the mark I almost took the target off the top hook (I’m sure the shaking of my hands had nothing to do with that). And I wasn’t alone. A few people shot their targets off for similar reasons I’m sure. On the other hand the girl who had visible erect nipples after getting her rounds did well and between kung fu and firearms, whomever she’s dating had better watch their ass. The 9mm list remained long so I decided my next go round would be with the .40, aka The Glock. Also, one of the other students did pretty well with it (and there’s no shortage of rap tunes about it either). I can understand why now. I did pretty well with the Glock, even scoring one dead center (for a dollar I got one of the human targets this time around and maybe that helped). No wild shots or big misses. Now this is irony: it slightly fueled my fear of guns even more. It was just a too well made a piece of destruction. Light, efficient and easy to use. Potential chaos and slaughter in the palm of your hand should that be your goal. Further irony? I kinda want one anyway. God forbid I’d have actually tried the 9mm. I’d probably be buying one in a backroom in Brooklyn or The Bronx right now. Actually, I have an uncle who’s a cop in Alabama, so I could probably just make a phone call and get it. We don’t shy away from getting guns for our loved ones in the south.

YOU DON’T SEE ME TALKING ABOUT “THE FORCE” IN CHURCH, DO YA?
So, geek life became a bit sadder this week with the end of Battlestar Galactica and…are you FRAKKIN’ KIDDING ME!?! God!?! Angels!?! Is that seriously the answer to all that’s happened over the last five years!?! I do not watch science fiction to be told at the end of the day, “God has a plan and is going to help you follow it” which is what all of this amounted to. There’s only one “god” in science fiction and that “god” is scientific knowledge. Imagine if the key to Captain Kirk’s success was “God told him to fire the photon torpedoes.” Or Ripley defeating the Alien because the android Bishop was actually an angel sent to help her. Or John Connor leading mankind to victory over the Terminators because of a plan that was in a dream god sent to him. Who the fuck wants to see that? In the end, Battlestar Galactica is basically the story of what happens to man when he tries to become god and create life. That life turns on him while emulating him and almost wipes him out, but “God” had a plan for this and it leads man to a new home to start over again. Oh, and he sends angels to help. It’s not mankind surviving by his own wits and intelligence over his experiment gone wrong. Oh, no. This has left such a bad taste in my mouth over what was easily one of the best science fiction shows ever put on TV, right up there with Star Trek and The Twilight Zone. At least on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (the creator of this new Battlestar Galactica was one of the producers of that show), the “gods” in the wormhole where actually just aliens. Here, it’s really fucking god. And the idea that they gave up all their advanced technology to start all over here 150,000 years ago is crap. Yeah, it sounds good until you remember a little something called MEDICAL SCIENCE!!! It’s why 50% of women don’t fucking die in childbirth the way they used to. It’s why measles, smallpox and polio don’t plague mankind. That people would give all that up it utterly ridiculous. Not to mention given their names were “Athena” “Hera” and “Apollo” what the fuck were they doing landing in Africa? They should have been in Greece, or at the very least, Northern Africa, not southwestern. But this is par the course with series finales. I’m still pissed how little Xander cared when Anya died at the end of Buffy. And don’t get me started on The X-Files…

GIMME BACK THAT FILET ‘O FISH/GIMME THAT FISH
I love McDonald’s Filet ‘O Fish. I’ve loved them since I was kid. I don’t even care if there’s little likelihood of there being fish in it. Two Filet ‘O Fish sandwiches, a large fries and a large strawberry milkshake and I was a happy camper. So yes, I’ve been there a few times this week during their 2 for $3 special. Until I remembered however cheap, I’m still poor, so for $5 I bought a bag of filets at the grocery store. But it’s not the same. Sigh.

STUCK IN AN ALBUM YOU JUST CAN’T GET OUT OF
Okay, there’s no two ways around it: the new U2 album blows. It’s boring, depressing and it blows. It’s so sad. This is going over on the shelf next to Pop, their last album of all suck. But hey, it’s only two in over 25 years. That’s not too bad.

WITCH MOUNTAIN CASINO

1. Race To Witch Mountain/Disney Wknd/$ 25.0 Total/$ 25.0
2. Watchmen/Warner Wknd/$ 18.1 Total/$ 86.0
3. The Last House On The Left/Uni Wknd/$ 14.7 Total/$ 14.7
5. Madea Goes To Jail/LGF Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 83.2
4. Taken/Fox Wknd/$ 6.7 Total/$ 126.8
6. Slumdog Millionaire/Fox Searchlight Wknd/$ 5.0 Total/$ 132.6
7. Paul Blart: Mall Cop/Sony Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 137.8
8. He’s Just Not That Into You/WB Wknd/$ 2.9 Total/$ 89.0
9. Coraline/Focus Wknd/$ 2.7 Total/$ 69.1
10. Miss March/Fox Searchlight Wknd/$ 2.3 Total/$ 2.4

THE BLAIR WITCH MOUNTAIN PROJECT
Opening at number one and my box of childhood memories is Race To Witch Mountain, which is actually Disney’s third attempt to unearth the Witch Mountain franchise. I didn’t watch either of those and didn’t go to see this one. Forget that the original probably wouldn’t hold up to a modern viewing, but this looks bad without the virtue of simply being dated. There’s bad and there’s needlessly stupid from people with zero imagination. As soon as I saw the commercial with The Rock making that stupid joke about what aliens are supposed to look like, I knew this was the latter. I know it’s a kid’s movie, but kid wouldn’t get that joke considering it’s a holdover from science fiction of the 40’s and 50’s, so now it’s just stupid and unfunny. Bolt was from Disney as well, but didn’t make as many stupid jokes in its entirety as I saw in this trailer alone. When your animated work is more sophisticated than your live-action work, you’ve got a problem. But I’m loving The Rock trying to pretend making family films was a choice for him. ALL YOUR OTHER MOVIES FAILED!!! It was this or back to wrestling and become the next Hulk Hogan! At least Vin Diesel had a sense of shame about The Pacifier and never made another. And then there’s the Kim Richards factor. Kim Richards was a childhood crush and that started for me in Escape to Witch Mountain and lasted through Hello Larry until Tuff Turf (co-starring James Spader and Robert Downey Jr). This was aided in no small part to her waist-length hair. I know she’s making a cameo in this, but even that wasn’t enough to get me in. Not to mention there’s no harmonica!

DID I SAY GEEKS? I MEANT FUCKING NUMBNUT VIRGIN GEEKS!
Watchmen is down to number two and here’s some hardcore geek for you: the characters in Watchmen were inspired by characters from Charlton Comics (after briefly toying with the idea of using the Archie Comics line of superheroes). DC Comics has acquired them in the 80’s and Alan Moore wanted to use them, but given the bleak results of this story, DC asked him to just create original ones. I agree with Alan Moore’s original idea that seeing a character you know descend into madness or get murdered carried more weight. Granted, seeing The Peacemaker (The Comedian), The Question (Rorschach), The Blue Beetle (Owlman) and Captain Atom (Dr. Manhattan) wouldn’t have made much difference to you, but in the comics it would have had a much greater impact. While some of the sad fates of the characters were still affecting, there was still a detachment because I had no previous connection to them. Imagine this movie with an insane Batman and a detached, uncaring Superman and you’ll see what I mean. The only character not from the Charlton universe was Miss Jupiter, played here by Carla Gugino and as her daughter, Malin Ackerman. While there was a Charlton character called Nightshade, Sally Jupiter was just a general commentary on why female superheroes have to wear high heels and be half-naked, though DC Comics does have Black Canary, whom like Miss Jupiter is a two generation female superhero who runs around in fishnets and heels---despite numerous attempts to pull her out of the masturbatory ghetto in which she dwells and put her in boots and pants. And if you want to get into a nice long internet fight, try suggesting that geeks grow up and stop dressing superhero women like strippers. Not that I’ve done it...or am doing it right now and getting pissed off all over again.

“NO MEANS NO” APPLIES TO SNUFF PORN HORROR FLICKS AS WELL
Last House on the Left opens at number three and while I obviously don’t do the scary something else I’ve had an increasingly weak stomach about as I’ve gotten older are rape scenes. It’s why I had to stop watching Law & Order SVU after the first season due to it being about sex crimes. Apparently I’m not alone, as this has been getting the serious pile-on from critics due to an unusually brutal rape scene. I guess the filmmakers decided that since the character live this time around, they could make the crime against her extra brutal. As if someone goes to see a scary movie for a graphic rape. Then again, they’ve been going to movies like Saw to see people graphically dismembered, so maybe this is their cup of tea. The movie is a remake of a Wes Craven film which was itself take off of a---yes---a Bergman film called Virgin Spring, which is based on an old European Folk tale about a family whose daughter is raped and murdered and her attackers unknowingly wind up seeking shelter in their home. However, unlike today’s family they were denied the pleasure of shoving a rapist’s head into a microwave.

HE’S GUILTY OF BLACK-ON-BLACK CRIME
Taken is down to number four, followed by Madea Goes To Jail---excuse me, Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes To Jail--- at number five and this week Entertainment Weekly discovered that all Black people don’t like him (nine actors refused to even be interviewed for the article). Shocking! You mean, we’re not all the same!?! You’ve discovered There’s a class system based on education and income just like real people!?! Oh my god! And yes, the higher the educational level and income, the less likely we are to like his crap. By the way HAVE YOU SEEN THE PRESIDENT!?! But they pussy out in only talking to actors. They should have asked Spike Lee what he thought.

PAUL BLART WITH A VENGEANCE
Slumdog Millionaire is down to number six, followed by Paul Blart: Mall Cop at number seven and given this is a bit of a Die Hard parody, I wonder if the inevitable sequels will follow the films? Now to make them deliberate parodies of the Die Hard sequels actually would be funny. And you know Samuel L. Jackson would be totally willing to show up.

AS INEVITABLE AS A TEENAGE BOY’S BONER: BAD TEEN SEX COMEDIES
He’s Just Not That Into You is down to number eight, followed by Coraline at number nine and opening in the top ten is Miss March, which was actually Miss February until the release date was changed, which may be the funniest thing about this movie. Just as Porky’s unleashed a stream of teen sex comedies in the 80’s and American Pie did it again in the 90’s, so have the works of Judd Apatow inadvertently done it for the latter half of the new millennium’s first decade. The irony being this didn’t do any better than the sexless sex comedy of the PG rated Fired Up last week. Boobs or no boobs, if you’re not funny, they will not come.

HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO CRAZY
Speaking of Drew Barrymore, not only is she one of the producers of He’s Just Not That Into You, but is also one of the producers of Tough Love, which is obviously in the same vein of just explaining the obvious---though if there’s something that’s obvious, it’s that Drew Barrymore shouldn’t be part of teaching anyone about a successful relationship. There’s apparently a lot of people who are incapable of change unless some jackass gets in their faces and tells them, “Change, you dumb bitch!” Luckily there’s a jackass out there for the job. And why is it all matchmakers seem to be assholes? Or does being a matchmaker makes you into an asshole because people just dumbasses? Given that they’re on a reality show, I’m going to go with the latter. But if he was nice and they were smart, you wouldn’t have a show, now would you? And what they really need is therapy to deal with the issues that makes them undatable, but again, that wouldn’t be fun to watch and would hardly justify humiliating them on film. But the idea that women are more delusional than men when it comes to dating is crap. Every fat, bald bastard out there thinks he’s funny and thinks he deserves Angelina Jolie because of it. No woman who looks like Jabba The Hut thinks she deserves Brad Pitt.

IF NOTHING ELSE, THIS WILL STOP HIS MOVIE CAREER
Speaking again of Drew Barrymore, can you believe that Jimmy Fallon was the first person to ever tell her she talks like a stroke victim? Too bad he didn’t mention that lisp. Yes, I did try watching Late Night With Jimmy Fallon. I hated Conan O’Brian so I wasn’t sad to see him go. At least Jimmy Fallon has experience in front of the camera to justify this gig. Conan was just a writer. And he’s not so bad. I mean, no one can interview Robert DeNiro because Robert DeNiro hates being interviewed. But Fallon needs to learn how to tell a bad joke as well as a good one. If you do it right, it’s still funny. But “Slow Jam The News” is hysterical, mainly because The Roots are the shit. Anyone who gives them shit about taking this gig has obviously never tried to make it as a musician or is a jealous musician, because now they’ve got health insurance. They’ve fought the good fight and earned a cushy gig like this one.

WATCH THIS

1. Watchmen/Warner Wknd/$ 55.7 Total/$ 55.7
2. Madea Goes To Jail/LGF Wknd/$ 8.8 Total/$ 76.5
3. Taken/Fox Wknd/$ 7.5 Total/$ 118.0
4. Slumdog Millionaire/Fox Searchlight Wknd/$ 6.9 Total/$ 125.4
5. Paul Blart: Mall Cop/Sony Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 133.6
6. He’s Just Not That Into You/WB Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 84.6
7. Coraline/Focus Wknd/$ 3.3 Total/$ 65.7
8. Confessions of a Shopaholic/Touch Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 38.4
9. Jonas Brothers 3D/Disney Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 16.8
10.Fired Up/ScreenGems Wknd/$ 2.6 Total/$ 13.1

WATCHING THE WHEELS GO ROUND AND ROUND
Opening at number one to the delight and disappointment of geeks around the world is Watchmen, based upon the seminal comic book mini-series from the 80’s. Yes, I’m going to start the geek out hard this week and point out that a “graphic novel” is as different from a “mini-series” as a “movie” is from “TV series.” It would be like collecting The Sopranos and calling it a “movie.” It wasn’t and neither was Watchmen. That said, this is a failure because it’s too worshipped a piece of work. Books are not movies. Plays are not movies. When you adapt them to film you have to do just that “adapt” as in change to allow survival. Comics are also a different medium from film and because they’re both predominantly visual in nature doesn’t mean you can simply copy one onto another. This movie makes such an attempt and suffers because of it, starting with the opening scene where the superhero known as The Comedian is killed. This is needlessly dragged out and given this film is almost three hours, cutting this down to him just going through the window would have been effective enough. But no, Zack Synder is reverential to every panel of the comic. It doesn’t get better after that, but lucky for him the material is strong enough that it still manages to be somewhat effective, especially the Dr. Manhattan sequence. In fact, considering he decided to just follow the series so closely, he would have been better off dividing the film into 12 chapters like the series rather than trying to force it into the cohesive whole it never was to begin with. Also as Sin City taught us, dialogue that works on the printed page is not the same coming out of someone’s mouth, but some didn’t learn that lesson so you have moments that should have more depth or effect failing because they don’t transcend their two-dimensional origins. Characters like Rorschach (whom Alan Moore once called “Batman without the apologies”) and Dr. Manhattan survive the transition because their characters are so absolute in one way or the other their authentic dialogue is somewhat ham fisted and two dimensional. The others, however, who are supposed to be more normal flesh-and-blood humans do not fare as well. You never fully understand or appreciate The Comedian’s nihilism as shown in this film. It’s important considering it begins with him and somewhat revolves around him. One thing the book oddly didn’t have was extended fight scenes, so their inclusion here (done Zak Synder 300-style no less) are glaring stand outs, but I must admit helps to let you know that these are, in fact, superheroes, even if they are sometimes, old, fat and retired. Oh, and they’re called The Minutemen. Never in the comic are they called “Watchmen.”

FLESH FOR CHEESE
Madea Goes To Jail is down to number two, followed by Taken at number three, which actually rises a notch and I wonder how this is doing in France, given the French are shown to be a bunch of wimps who not only fail to stop human trafficking, but take a cut so they can buy more cheese. Okay, I can’t argue too much with that last one. I’d sell any one of you for a good gouda.

GET HER SOME MO-HINDER
Slumdog Millionaire is down to number four and while I’d love for this to mean something, I think we all know the reality of the minority actor in Hollywood. Let’s face it, the most prominent non-stereotypical role for an Indian has been Kumar in Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. And the model-turned-actress? Well, she can still model, I guess. Though the leads are rumored to be dating they insist they aren’t. If true then you dodged a bullet, dude. I mean, she made it and dumped her ugly husband almost immediately. What do you think would have been your fate once she met that hot dude from Heroes?

THE CLEANSING PART I
Paul Blart: Mall Cop actually rises to number five and I was originally at a loss for it but then I thought maybe these people tried some Oscar winner then left either depressed or bored or both and needed something stupid and silly to cleanse their minds---but wouldn’t sink to the level of Tyler Perry. It’s all I got.

OBVIOUSLY FILMED DURING THE OBAMA INAGURATION WHEN ALL THE BRUTHAS WERE OVER IN DC
He’s Just Not That Into You is down to number six and in case you didn’t know it, this is set in Baltimore. Surprised that it doesn’t look like the Baltimore you’ve seen on The Wire? You know, the one that’s 60% black!?! What. The. Fuck? Sorry, but there’s no role here that you couldn’t have a black actor replacing someone and not alter the stupid script in the slightest. Or do they think that Black people don’t become total morons when they date either? We do…from what I remember.

THE CLEANSING PART II
Coraline holds at number seven followed by Confessions of a Shopaholic at number eight which actually rose up from nine. How? Check my Paul Blart explanation. It’s the only way. A bunch of people who saw The Reader needed a mental cleanse---but wouldn’t sink to the level of Tyler Perry. That my beloved Kristin Scott Thomas is in this means I will at least check it out on cable in a couple of months.

AND WHEN I SAY “NURSE” I, OF COURSE MEAN “CANDY STRIPER”
Jonas Brothers: The 3D experience is down to number nine suggesting that “d” is for “Don’t” followed by Fired Up, still holding on at number ten because there are apparently a lot of people who want to see the girl in the bikini from Disturbia now wear a cheerleading outfit. I must admit that’s the biggest draw here for me as well. First a bikini, now a cheerleading outfit. Next for her I predict either a nurse or just a flat out stripper, so long as she’s appealing to your average American fantasy.

A LAKE OF CHEESE
So, my mission to help Chasing Amy through her break-up continues. As we all know, it’s easier to help someone else out with their lives than focus on your own, which is how we wound up at our favorite Mexican place in the Village, which was chosen because it made the list of one of the best margaritas in NYC. It’s well deserved, let me tell you. But while waiting for a table we discovered something else wonderful about it: lake of cheese. Okay, so it’s not called “lake of cheese” but that’s what it looked like going by. It looked like a thin island of jalepenos and meat in lake of melted cheese. It was the first thing we ordered when we finally sat down. It took four people at the other table to handle one, but we were one drink away from having a knife fight to be the sole consumer of ours. One thing Chasing Amy and I have always loved doing while out drinking it people watching. That night was no exception and since the margaritas were fierce it went base very quickly and became a running commentary on women’s asses. It became even more amusing as the booze hit her because she went from “Oh, I don’t care. All I need is a pretty face” to “That’s just wrong! How can you work without an ass!” Yes, bisexuals are funny. We left the Mexican place then went looking for a bar to continue drinking. We’re old, so crowds of kids just won’t do which is how we wound up at the wine bar, where the “dignified drunks” go. I was personally tempted by the louder bar where “Umbrella” was playing loudly and the bartender actually opened one up as he danced to the song, but it was not to be. We settled in for more drinking and discussing how ordinarily straight women all want to have sex with Angelina Jolie. A week or so previous, the nicest, sweetest little Jewish girl (and by little, I mean she’s 5’11”) confessed that she both wanted to be Angelina Jolie and she wanted to “do” Angelina Jolie. The Libertine also talks about “doing” Angelina Jolie and I noticed a theme of how they all wanted to be the aggressor in the situation. This lead to Chasing Amy’s own issue of whether or not to hook up with the tattooed lesbian Angelina Jolie lookalike she works with, who is apparently only one of a few women in her office hot for her. She was not pleased for me to be the morality police in that the lookalike is actually in relationship and to mess with that would be wrong, so I couldn’t support it, much less be used by joining them for drinks to make it seem less like a hook-up. We also discussed the apparent blind date unfolding in front of us, which seemed to be going well until he got a business call and had to step outside…which then led to a follow-up call that kept him outside even longer. Now given it had something to do with a gun being accidentally discharged and somehow his job required him to deal with it, I cut him some slack, but now that we were borderline drunk, Chasing Amy was not as charitable, as someone fresh out of a relationship with a dickweed is like to be. The longer he stayed out side, the angier she became and kept threatening to tell the girl to cut him loose. Finally, as we were leaving the girl borrowed a cigarette from someone as an excuse to go outside with him, which only pissed Chasing Amy off even further. One more drink and might have been violence, Bayridge Italian style. Supposedly nights like this are the plan for the upcoming summer. Between the “lake of cheese” and the drinking, I may not see the fall.

HERE TO FIGHT THE FORCE OF EVIL
Okay, Wonder Woman came out on DVD. Did you get your copies you sad sons-of-bitches!?! Hey, if you want a Wonder Woman live action movie, you’d better go buy it. And buy one for a friend too!

FOREVER IN BLUE JEANS

1. Madea Goes To Jail/LGF Wknd/$ 16.5 Total/$ 64.9
2. Jonas Brothers 3D/Disney Wknd/$ 12.7 Total/$ 12.7
3. Slumdog Millionaire/Fox Searchlight Wknd/$ 12.2 Total/$ 115.1
4. Taken/Fox Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 107.9
5. He’s Just Not That Into You/WB Wknd/$ 5.9 Total/$ 78.5
6. Paul Blart: Mall Cop/Sony Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 128.1
7. Coraline/Focus Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 61.1
8. Street Fighter: Legend of Chun Li Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 33.7
9. Confessions of a Shopaholic/Touch Wknd/$ 4.4 Total/$ 33.7
10.Fired Up/ScreenGems Wknd/$ 3.8 Total/$ 10.1

A MAN WHO WILL ALWAYS HAVE OSCAR NIGHT FREE
Madea Goes To Jail holds at number one and Tyler Perry has unfairly teased the world with the idea he might retire this character---which I unfortunately initially read as the idea he might retire altogether and rid the theaters of his crap. Besides, if he gets rid of Madea he won’t be able to justify dressing up in drag and pretending to like men.

OR MILEY WILL DROP THE BEANS DURING HER COKE BINGE IN TWO YEARS
The Jonas Brothers 3-D Experience opens at number two and I’m just patiently waiting for the day a disgruntled employee spills all the dirty details about what’s really going on with these three supposedly virginal brothers with every teenage girl in America at their feet. The thing about these little “promise ring” kids is that only penile-vaginal intercourse counts as sex, so they could be sodomizing girls all around the country while claiming to be virgins. And if Santa really loves me, it won’t all be girls either. I’m still thinking Taylor Swift is a drag queen.

YEAH, BUT IT’S BATMAN BILLIONAIRE
Slumdog Millionaire jumps to number three thanks to its Oscar wins which is what studio people really want from awards. But now millions of people around the world are saying, “That’s it? That’s what wins Academy Awards!?!” And god help you if you’re sitting next to a fan of The Dark Knight still seething over its omission.

WHERE IDEAS GO TO BE RUN INTO THE GROUND
Taken is down to number four and the $100M+ gross of this domestically (overseas where girls really are taken it’s at $70M+) has guaranteed at the very least a direct-to-video sequel. I mean, did you know they made a sequel to Roadhouse that way? Yeah, exactly. Liam Neeson probably won’t do it but Steven Segal should slide right into that slot.

THE OTHERS
He’s Just Not That Into You is down to number five, followed by Paul Blart: Mall Cop at number six and Coraline at number seven.

EVERY YEAR MORTAL KOMBAT JUST LOOKS BETTER AND BETTER
Street Fighter: Legend of Chun Li opens poorly at number eight and yes, I saw this. Hell, I saw the first mess, why not see this one? This is one of the rare times I’m outside the geek milieu and be just be a consumer---unlike the gaming geeks who have been pitching a shitfit since this was first announced. It’s all the same shit I’ve heard coming out of my own mouth on more than one occasion and it’s no wonder no one wants to fuck me (but Michael Keaton as Batman remains the utmost BULLSHIT). But there’s a reason I’m King of the Geeks and not just another loser virgin subject and that I know there’s no way you can duplicate the proportions of illustrated characters and finding some Asian girl with thighs bigger than her freaking head is a ridiculous thing to ask for, which has been their complaint about Kristin Kreuk (best known to you as Lana Lang on Smallville) getting the role. Yes, I bitched about her hair not being red, but that’s so easy to do, it’s obvious negligence or laziness that producers don’t do it, but massive Olympic Sprinter thighs is just ridiculous. The irony is, Kristin Kreuk doesn’t exactly have small thighs in proportion to the rest of her body. As I’ve never missed an episode of Smallville in the 8 years it’s been on, I can attest to her being relatively thick in that regard (something she actually alluded to in an interview). But she doesn’t look exactly like a fucking 2-D image in a game so the same chronic masturbators who spend hours photoshopping her head onto naked bodies and posting them online are upset. The greater irony is she’s the best thing about the movie. She gives it her all, but she’s the only person who showed up ready to do so. I guess years of playing it straight on Smallville taught her something about keeping a straight face amidst crap. The movie is essentially a prequel to the actual Street Fighter concept, which is about a martial arts tournament (because that’s apparently the only martial arts idea that’s ever existed). Chun Li is one of the contestants and this is apparently how she came to be, though it uses many of the characters from Street Fighter utterly out of context of the game. Now this outrage makes more sense. Even Shakespeare gets changed from play to movie, but you still have to pay some respect to the original concept, because if it’s so bad why are you even bothering to adapt it? But even if they had displayed some loyalty to the original concept, what ultimately sinks this is what sinks every bad movie: the incompetent execution. Chun Li’s father is kidnapped when she’s a girl because the bad guys want all the information he possesses of his father’s legitimate business contacts so they blackmail them. Um, if you read a newspaper you know that someone who had everything last year literally has nothing this year, so there’s no way his information can be viable a decade later, especially since he’s presumed dead. And it’s downhill from there. Apparently the screenwriter here didn’t agree with the rest of the world who all thought that the flaw in Superman The Movie thirty years ago was that he was ultimately fighting a real estate scam, because that’s at the heart of this too (though I’m sure you’ll find people who think that gentrification is worse than Lex Luthor ever was). Needless to say, the fight scenes are shit because they hired a bunch of non-fighting actors and then had to constantly inter-cut them with the stuntmen doing the real fighting. The twisted highlight of the film becomes how entertaining the bad parts are and Chris Klein---who decided that every line should be delivered with a sneer from flared nostrils---more than delivers. He’s like 80’s Don Johnson. I like to think he knew how bad this was and just decided to have as much fun as possible. In the end the best thing about the film remains Kristin Kreuk in shorts wearing white Doc Martens.

I’M THINKING A MORE MASCULINE NAME MIGHT HELP: HUGH STEEL
Confessions of a Shopaholic is down to number nine and this is a “who’s who” of actors who deserve better. John Goodman, my beloved Kristin Scott Thomas, John Lithgow, Joan Cusack and Lynn Redgrave (though she kinda gave up respectability years ago when she wouldn’t deny being friends with Ron Jeremy). And we need to face up to the fact that Hugh Dancy is simply not going to be the UK’s next big heartthrob. Not when he picks films like this, Basic Instinct 2 and Blood & Chocolate.

BRRR IT’S COLD IN HERE/A BAD CHEERLEADING MOVIE IS VERY NEAR
Finally, Fired Up closes out the top ten at number ten and normally I’m a shoe-in for a cheerleader movie, but given this actually had a website for it called “notacheerleadingmovie.com” so I decided to bypass it. A real cheerleading movie is not about two dudes trying to bone cheerleaders. Granted that’s at the heart of my love of them, but it’s not really what I want to see onscreen and neither did anyone else apparently.

KUNG FU PUSSY
No, that’s not the ill-titled sequel to Kung Fu Panda or some porn version of it. It’s this odd form of double jeopardy at my kung fu school. See. in addition to basic classes they’ve got what are called “San Daa” classes, which is more practical application of the skills. Fighting drills basically. A solid hour of non-stop kicking and punching and occasionally ground techniques and throws. I promised myself I’d eventually work my way up to including it, but of course I never did. Then they changed the schedule so now “san daa” is before the actual class which was pushed back. Initially I thought “Great, now I don’t have to rush to class right after work” but then came the peer pressure. Yes, what I avoided so well in high school is now unavoidable in middle age. To be the only person taking the 8:00 kung fu class who didn’t take the 7:00 San Daa class instantly makes you a “kung fu pussy.” Everyone else just lost ten pounds of water weight so who are you to just be grunting and groaning for just one class…you pussy. So for me it’s either do both classes or don’t do any classes, because I will not be a kung fu pussy. The girls from a yoga school one instructor attends do both classes and I can’t? Sigh. So now I do two-and-half-hour workouts. You know, to the point where your sweat smells like ammonia? I looked that up. If you’re smelling like ammonia, that means your body has exhausted its basic fuel and is now feasting on your muscles to keep going. I can literally go one notch down on my belt after one of these classes. While this can literally turn me into a lean, mean, fighting machine, it’s thrown my workout schedule into havoc. Usually kung fu was Monday, Wednesday, Friday and bike riding Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday. Now, because I need my legs fresh for San Daa on Wednesday and Friday, I can’t ride on Tuesday or Thursday nights any more. Hell, I couldn’t even do it this past Saturday because I was so wiped out. At least not until I get to a place where my body can handle that kind of endurance and I think we know the likelihood of that. It’s not too much of a problem now that the ground is frozen over every other week and I can’t ride anyway, but come summer it’s going to suck because I love riding my bike.

AND THE WINNER IS…BOOZE
As always, I spent Oscar night in the company of some of my geek girls, though truth be told it’s usually only two of them and their friends. I dragged Chasing Amy along with me because she’s going through a break up and wants to spend all her time alone in her pajamas watching TV. I’d let her do it if I hadn’t touched her back recently and felt her bones through it. I know that when you’re forced to socialize you’ll eat, so even when she tried to bail I went over and made her get dressed and dragged her down for food, booze and snarking…and there was plenty to snark about. Apparently Hugh Jackman’s deal was he could do musical numbers or there was no deal. I liked the brutal honesty of the jokes that no one had seen some of the films and that The Dark Knight was stupidly snubbed as a popular and critically praised film. I’m sorry, but it was no worse than fucking Titanic or Gladiator and it was damn sure better than Benjamin fucking Button….I’m sure the idea of five previous winners presenting the acting Oscars seemed like a good idea at the time, but what it looks like in execution is the Final Five Cylons showing up…Penelope Cruz won for playing an overly top passionate Latina. What next? An Irishman winning for playing a romantic drunk?...Tina Fey and Steve Martin remain a frighteningly good duo. Was that a mole on her cleavage?...I didn’t understand the need to show a montage of films that weren’t even nominated. Were they just trying to humiliate people? Though I did like it when Will Smith did it because it pointed out just what films really paid the bills. And Wall-E was dicked out of a best picture nomination for this ghetto category of “Best Animated Feature.”…Benjamin Button did deserve that Costume award because those clothes were the best thing about the film and it was equally fitting that James Bond and Carrie Bradshaw give out those awards…I hate Joaquin Phoenix so I’m enjoying this thing he’s going through, real or faked and I enjoy him being mocked…in case you didn’t know how big Judd Apatow’s dick was after the last two years, getting a short film at the Oscars based on one of the least funny films (except that one with Owen Wilson) let you know….another musical number, per Hugh Jackman’s deal, with Beyonce and the kids from High School Musical in a vain attempt to bring down the age curve…Heath Ledger deserved to win, but if he hadn’t died they wouldn’t have given it to an actor in a comic book movie…Jerry Lewis was remarkably well behaved and funny for Eddie Murphy to introduce him given how Lewis bitched about them remaking The Nutty Professor, even though he got seriously paid for it…whomever thought that Queen Latifah singing over the Roll Call of Death needs to be fired. Just show me pictures and not a picture of a screen. Sigh. Paul Newman…given how Ewan McGregor had a falling out with Danny Boyle over The Beach, you think he’s a little more willing to kiss and make up now, given George Lucas did jackshit for his career?...those poor Slumdog Millionaire kids. Going from something that can’t be called a shack because it technically doesn’t have four walls to the lap of LA luxury only to go back again. It’s soooo going to fuck up their minds. Yeah, I know the producers bought their families houses. The same families who slap them when they don’t want to do interviews. I want it to end well, I’m just not expecting it too. And I love the female lead dumped her husband when she made it. Remember: success lets you be who you really are. Which is to say none of you have ever seen the real me…oh, and Yellowtail makes an amazing Shiraz. We drank numerous wines all night, but that one killed. I’ve been drinking it since.

SOLE SURVIVOR
So it took four stores over two days, but I finally got shoes at the Kenneth Cole sale that’s still going on. They’re transitioning from fall to spring and clearing out things at up to 70% off. Now, this all depends on what store you go to. In SoHo it’s only 50%. Near Union Square and in Rockefeller Center it’s 70% and midtown it’s only 30%. I got a pair of brown loafers at the Union Square location the second day I went there and I got the shoes I was originally told were sold out (I went through about ten pairs of shoes, damn my average size feet). Originally $150, I got them for $36. Yeah, babee! And just as I cannot have too many pairs of Kenneth Cole shoes, I cannot have too many pairs of Levis and picked up another pair of those at Dave’s Army & Navy, where I’ve been buying my jeans since college. It was a particular pair I couldn’t find in my size a month ago (I’m going with a less baggy fit because I want everyone to know when I have an unplanned erection), so it was a good shopping day. I even broke my promise to stop buying anything with a Gap or Old Navy label, but how can you pass up $5 boxer briefs with an argyle pattern? You can’t! Though my favorite pair of underwear are the blue and white horizontally striped boxer briefs I bought at Uniqlo in SoHo. They look like a French Sailor shirt. I really wish gay men would release their stranglehold on the men’s underwear industry. It’s very difficult finding stylish underwear that doesn’t scream “I’VE GOT A DICK RIGHT HERE!” in their design. I think we all know where the junk is, fellas.

AND FLASH GORDON IS MY DAD
Philip Jose Farmer, a name unknown to most of you, but to geeks he’s a god as a prolific science fiction writer and he died in his sleep last week. He was best known for his Riverworld series and his use of sex in science fiction (geeks find it easier to imagine spaceships than touching another human), especially with classic characters. Before Alan Moore let you know your favorite heroes could he sexual deviants, Philip Jose Farmer let you know that, raised as an ape, Tarzan would have been fucking monkeys. He also wrote stories connecting heroes to each other through lineage, so Tarzan, Doc Savage and James Bond were all related and existed in the same universe. So basically you’re either born a hero or you’re not.