WATCH THIS

1. Watchmen/Warner Wknd/$ 55.7 Total/$ 55.7
2. Madea Goes To Jail/LGF Wknd/$ 8.8 Total/$ 76.5
3. Taken/Fox Wknd/$ 7.5 Total/$ 118.0
4. Slumdog Millionaire/Fox Searchlight Wknd/$ 6.9 Total/$ 125.4
5. Paul Blart: Mall Cop/Sony Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 133.6
6. He’s Just Not That Into You/WB Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 84.6
7. Coraline/Focus Wknd/$ 3.3 Total/$ 65.7
8. Confessions of a Shopaholic/Touch Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 38.4
9. Jonas Brothers 3D/Disney Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 16.8
10.Fired Up/ScreenGems Wknd/$ 2.6 Total/$ 13.1

WATCHING THE WHEELS GO ROUND AND ROUND
Opening at number one to the delight and disappointment of geeks around the world is Watchmen, based upon the seminal comic book mini-series from the 80’s. Yes, I’m going to start the geek out hard this week and point out that a “graphic novel” is as different from a “mini-series” as a “movie” is from “TV series.” It would be like collecting The Sopranos and calling it a “movie.” It wasn’t and neither was Watchmen. That said, this is a failure because it’s too worshipped a piece of work. Books are not movies. Plays are not movies. When you adapt them to film you have to do just that “adapt” as in change to allow survival. Comics are also a different medium from film and because they’re both predominantly visual in nature doesn’t mean you can simply copy one onto another. This movie makes such an attempt and suffers because of it, starting with the opening scene where the superhero known as The Comedian is killed. This is needlessly dragged out and given this film is almost three hours, cutting this down to him just going through the window would have been effective enough. But no, Zack Synder is reverential to every panel of the comic. It doesn’t get better after that, but lucky for him the material is strong enough that it still manages to be somewhat effective, especially the Dr. Manhattan sequence. In fact, considering he decided to just follow the series so closely, he would have been better off dividing the film into 12 chapters like the series rather than trying to force it into the cohesive whole it never was to begin with. Also as Sin City taught us, dialogue that works on the printed page is not the same coming out of someone’s mouth, but some didn’t learn that lesson so you have moments that should have more depth or effect failing because they don’t transcend their two-dimensional origins. Characters like Rorschach (whom Alan Moore once called “Batman without the apologies”) and Dr. Manhattan survive the transition because their characters are so absolute in one way or the other their authentic dialogue is somewhat ham fisted and two dimensional. The others, however, who are supposed to be more normal flesh-and-blood humans do not fare as well. You never fully understand or appreciate The Comedian’s nihilism as shown in this film. It’s important considering it begins with him and somewhat revolves around him. One thing the book oddly didn’t have was extended fight scenes, so their inclusion here (done Zak Synder 300-style no less) are glaring stand outs, but I must admit helps to let you know that these are, in fact, superheroes, even if they are sometimes, old, fat and retired. Oh, and they’re called The Minutemen. Never in the comic are they called “Watchmen.”

FLESH FOR CHEESE
Madea Goes To Jail is down to number two, followed by Taken at number three, which actually rises a notch and I wonder how this is doing in France, given the French are shown to be a bunch of wimps who not only fail to stop human trafficking, but take a cut so they can buy more cheese. Okay, I can’t argue too much with that last one. I’d sell any one of you for a good gouda.

GET HER SOME MO-HINDER
Slumdog Millionaire is down to number four and while I’d love for this to mean something, I think we all know the reality of the minority actor in Hollywood. Let’s face it, the most prominent non-stereotypical role for an Indian has been Kumar in Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. And the model-turned-actress? Well, she can still model, I guess. Though the leads are rumored to be dating they insist they aren’t. If true then you dodged a bullet, dude. I mean, she made it and dumped her ugly husband almost immediately. What do you think would have been your fate once she met that hot dude from Heroes?

THE CLEANSING PART I
Paul Blart: Mall Cop actually rises to number five and I was originally at a loss for it but then I thought maybe these people tried some Oscar winner then left either depressed or bored or both and needed something stupid and silly to cleanse their minds---but wouldn’t sink to the level of Tyler Perry. It’s all I got.

OBVIOUSLY FILMED DURING THE OBAMA INAGURATION WHEN ALL THE BRUTHAS WERE OVER IN DC
He’s Just Not That Into You is down to number six and in case you didn’t know it, this is set in Baltimore. Surprised that it doesn’t look like the Baltimore you’ve seen on The Wire? You know, the one that’s 60% black!?! What. The. Fuck? Sorry, but there’s no role here that you couldn’t have a black actor replacing someone and not alter the stupid script in the slightest. Or do they think that Black people don’t become total morons when they date either? We do…from what I remember.

THE CLEANSING PART II
Coraline holds at number seven followed by Confessions of a Shopaholic at number eight which actually rose up from nine. How? Check my Paul Blart explanation. It’s the only way. A bunch of people who saw The Reader needed a mental cleanse---but wouldn’t sink to the level of Tyler Perry. That my beloved Kristin Scott Thomas is in this means I will at least check it out on cable in a couple of months.

AND WHEN I SAY “NURSE” I, OF COURSE MEAN “CANDY STRIPER”
Jonas Brothers: The 3D experience is down to number nine suggesting that “d” is for “Don’t” followed by Fired Up, still holding on at number ten because there are apparently a lot of people who want to see the girl in the bikini from Disturbia now wear a cheerleading outfit. I must admit that’s the biggest draw here for me as well. First a bikini, now a cheerleading outfit. Next for her I predict either a nurse or just a flat out stripper, so long as she’s appealing to your average American fantasy.

A LAKE OF CHEESE
So, my mission to help Chasing Amy through her break-up continues. As we all know, it’s easier to help someone else out with their lives than focus on your own, which is how we wound up at our favorite Mexican place in the Village, which was chosen because it made the list of one of the best margaritas in NYC. It’s well deserved, let me tell you. But while waiting for a table we discovered something else wonderful about it: lake of cheese. Okay, so it’s not called “lake of cheese” but that’s what it looked like going by. It looked like a thin island of jalepenos and meat in lake of melted cheese. It was the first thing we ordered when we finally sat down. It took four people at the other table to handle one, but we were one drink away from having a knife fight to be the sole consumer of ours. One thing Chasing Amy and I have always loved doing while out drinking it people watching. That night was no exception and since the margaritas were fierce it went base very quickly and became a running commentary on women’s asses. It became even more amusing as the booze hit her because she went from “Oh, I don’t care. All I need is a pretty face” to “That’s just wrong! How can you work without an ass!” Yes, bisexuals are funny. We left the Mexican place then went looking for a bar to continue drinking. We’re old, so crowds of kids just won’t do which is how we wound up at the wine bar, where the “dignified drunks” go. I was personally tempted by the louder bar where “Umbrella” was playing loudly and the bartender actually opened one up as he danced to the song, but it was not to be. We settled in for more drinking and discussing how ordinarily straight women all want to have sex with Angelina Jolie. A week or so previous, the nicest, sweetest little Jewish girl (and by little, I mean she’s 5’11”) confessed that she both wanted to be Angelina Jolie and she wanted to “do” Angelina Jolie. The Libertine also talks about “doing” Angelina Jolie and I noticed a theme of how they all wanted to be the aggressor in the situation. This lead to Chasing Amy’s own issue of whether or not to hook up with the tattooed lesbian Angelina Jolie lookalike she works with, who is apparently only one of a few women in her office hot for her. She was not pleased for me to be the morality police in that the lookalike is actually in relationship and to mess with that would be wrong, so I couldn’t support it, much less be used by joining them for drinks to make it seem less like a hook-up. We also discussed the apparent blind date unfolding in front of us, which seemed to be going well until he got a business call and had to step outside…which then led to a follow-up call that kept him outside even longer. Now given it had something to do with a gun being accidentally discharged and somehow his job required him to deal with it, I cut him some slack, but now that we were borderline drunk, Chasing Amy was not as charitable, as someone fresh out of a relationship with a dickweed is like to be. The longer he stayed out side, the angier she became and kept threatening to tell the girl to cut him loose. Finally, as we were leaving the girl borrowed a cigarette from someone as an excuse to go outside with him, which only pissed Chasing Amy off even further. One more drink and might have been violence, Bayridge Italian style. Supposedly nights like this are the plan for the upcoming summer. Between the “lake of cheese” and the drinking, I may not see the fall.

HERE TO FIGHT THE FORCE OF EVIL
Okay, Wonder Woman came out on DVD. Did you get your copies you sad sons-of-bitches!?! Hey, if you want a Wonder Woman live action movie, you’d better go buy it. And buy one for a friend too!