THAT'S THE NOT THE BLUE CHRISTMAS I WANT

1. I Am Legend/Warner Wknd/$ 76.5 Total/$ 76.5
2. Alvin & The Chipmunks/Fox Wknd/$ 45.0 Total/$ 45.0
3. The Golden Compass/NewL Wknd/$ 9.0 Total/$ 41.0
4. Enchanted/Disney Wknd/$ 6.0 Total/$ 92.3
5. No Country For Old Men/Mira Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 33.6
6. The Perfect Holiday/YFG Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 3.6
7. Fred Claus/Warner Wknd/$ 2.3 Total/$ 69.0
8. This Christmas/ScreenG Wknd/$ 2.3 Total/$ 46.0
9. Atonement/Focus Wknd/$ 1.9 Total/$ 3.0
10. August Rush/Warner Wknd/$ 1.9 Total/$ 28.1


THE BETA MAN
If you’re still doubting Will Smith’s power as a star, you need to stop. Almost $77M on the first freaking weekend!?! And he’s literally the only person in it? And this is just domestic? How many times a day do you figure he’s ducking phone calls from Martin Lawrence? This is the third adaptation of legendary science fiction author Richard Matheson’s novel, I Am Legend. Originally, it was the last man on earth overrun by vampires and was made into a movie with Vincent Price called The Last Man on Earth, because apparently literal titles were called for (you can watch it on Google video right now if you want). It was made again with a modern twist in the 70’s with Charlton Heston, as part of his “the future will suck” trilogy, with Planet of the Apes and Soylent Green. There it was biological warfare that left him the last man on earth fighting the diseased survivors who wore robes and sunglasses. It was rumored to be the basis for the third Blade Movie, where the vampires had won and he was the last person on earth fighting them (which, though bleak, sounds interesting). Here the plague pretty much turns the people it doesn’t outright kill into marauding cannibals, who are actually scary---until you see they’re just CGI monsters. Yes, once again, needless CGI undercuts a film. As goofy as they were, there was an inherent creepiness in albinos of The Omega Man, here that’s lost. The first glimpse we get of them is obviously guys in makeup and they are frightening, but then they become video game characters and who the hell is afraid of that? We need to band together as a nation---no, as a people---and stop the use of needless CGI in movies! Stop the further “Lucas-zation” of films! While NYC deserted is always fascinating (I had a cab drive accidentally drive onto one of these set ups last year), there’s a bit too much of “a man alone” at the expense of other things, namely, “a man vs. the bad guy.” In the novel and pretty much every remake there’s the idea that the “monsters” are actually a new version of humanity and that by killing them, the last human has actually become their “monster.” That is touched on here, but strangely not explored and actually dismissed by Will Smith even though there is ample evidence to the contrary. We see that one of the infected is obviously leading the others and at one point sets the exact same trap for Will Smith that he set for one of them, but we have to deal instead with the drama of Will Smith and his dog. I would rather have seen more of the struggle between Will Smith and the infected. That’s what I pay to see in a $150M blockbuster movie. Not, explorations of his loneliness in the apocalypse. I got it after the first ten minutes, I didn’t need another twenty. What is the point dumbing it down to eliminate the “how do you define humanity” aspect, if you’re not going to keep going and make it a better “man vs. the apocalypse” action movie.

THE DEFINING ALBUM OF THE 80’S: CHIPMUNK PUNK
Alvin and The Chipmunks opens at number two and sadly, there was still a pull in me to see this. Thankfully, the lazy adult in me overruled the delighted kid in me, but it was considered. Now this is where fucking CGI should be utilized. It’s perfect for a movie like this, especially when they made the decision to make the chipmunks actual size, rather than the size of small children like in the past. To show you just what a pull this still has, it opened incredibly well despite a very lackluster (pretty much nonexistent) ad campaign. Any other week, this would have been the number one film in the country. Let’s face it: we just have a weakness for hearing modern songs being sung in chipmunk voices. And nothing, nothing is funnier than chimpmunks doing hardcore hip-hop. In fact, if this movie had been about Alvin & The Chipmunks being revamped as a rap group I would have been in there! Also, they stressed it was a family film, when what aided the chipmunk comeback of the 80’s was the parody where Alvin was smoking weed.

YOU WANNA MAKE MONEY? PISS OFF JESUS.
The Golden Compass is down to number three and Alvin & The Chipmunks making as much in three days as this has in two weeks is not good news. But there is a silver lining. It’s actually made more overseas than it has domestically, which is ironic considering the Catholic Church has more pull outside the US than it does here. Maybe if it actually pissed people off more it might generate more attention to an indictment of it. Similarly, The DaVinvci Code actually made more than twice as much overseas as it did here. Then again, I think people read more elsewhere, so maybe it’s just more a reflection on the audience of the books. But Daniel Craig must have felt at home onset given his two leading ladies were present. First Nicole Kidman who was with him in Invasion and then Eva “Goth Without Even Trying” Green who was his very nice leading lady in Casino Royale. Aside from being hot, she has a special place in my heart for describing herself as “typically French and lazy.”

OXYMORON: HUMBLE PRETTY BOY
Enchanted is down to number four and also in this continuing his wise career strategy of solid ensemble and supporting work is pretty boy James Marsden as The Prince. Like a good supporting role, it makes him look good, he shares in its success, but even if it fails he gets to be singled out as a good part of a bad movie.

HERE’S WHERE I SHOW I HAVE PROBLEMS
No Country For Old Men is up to number five, followed by The Perfect Holiday at number six and this is---and I hate to categorize it like this---another Black Christmas movie, but this comes from Queen Latifah who needs to let other people make these decisions, because her production efforts are somewhat lacking. Previous efforts include The Cookout and Who’s Your Caddy and you can always tell, because she not only makes a cameo but uses her influence to get a better than average cast, which is why this has a more stellar line-up than This Christmas. Only she could have talked Terrance Howard into this as a character named “Bah Humbug.” And how many times are Gabrielle Union and Morris Chestnut going to be paired up onscreen with no nudity!?! They’re not getting any younger. No, I don’t want an erotic Christmas story---wait, I think I do. And why not? We’ve had Christmas horror stories and Die Hard, Die Hard 2 and Lethal Weapon are all Christmas action movies. Where’s my Christmas fucking!?!

I CONTINTUE TO REVEAL MY ISSUES
Fred Claus is down to number seven and god knows we don’t want to see Vince Vaughn humping in anything, Christmas or otherwise. Now, his love interest here, Rachel Weisz, is another matter altogether and is seeing her naked and having sex is your thing, then check out the movie, I Want You. It’s not a happy movie, but is beautifully shot and there’s no shortage of sex and/or nudity in it. But it’s English sex and nudity, so be warned of pasty and pale asses on display.

HONEY, I SHRUNK MY CAREER
This Christmas is down to number eight and what the hell is Rick Moranis doing in this movie? He had a shot at the brass ring after Ghostbusters and Honey, I Shunk The Kids, but I guess his enthusiasm for the business kinda dissipated when his wife died of cancer in the early 90’s. That’s when he pretty much dropped off the radar. Sad too, because he and Dave Thomas would rock on SCTV and then they had their moment in the sun with Bob & Doug McKenzie---which was promptly extinguished by the movie, Strange Brew, which took waaaay too long to hit the theaters.

STILL SUCKING AFTER ALL THESE YEARS…
Atonement enters the top ten at number nine and this is as Oscar bait as it gets. Based on a novel, English cast, period piece…the Academy eats that shit up, even when it just sucks, sucks, sucks like The English Patient. I’m personally looking forward to it, but I have to see it in the right way. This is one of those films that are like a good meal. You want to sit down and savor it. Twenty years ago this would have been a Merchant Ivory film and have starred Helena Bonham Carter and Jeremy Irons.

THE END
Finally, August Rush closes out the top ten at number ten holding on longer than it had any right to.

CREEPY, PALE, HOT GIRLS IN RETRO DRESS? THE KATE BUSH SYNDROME.
I won’t front. I knew who The Pierces were, but to me they were just another sister act (Sara & Tegan, Aly & AJ, Brick & Lace) and I didn’t give them the time of day---until I saw them on Gossip Girl doing their wonderfully creepy song, “Secret” at the debutante ball (AND I’M STILL LOOKING FOR THAT DAMN JACKET). Because of that I was finally moved to pick up their album “13 Songs of Love & Revenge” and I don’t see how I passed up a title like that the first time. Oddly, enough they don’t have video for this, which is not only the first song on the album, but the best I’ve heard so far, but in keeping with their creepy theme, the video for “Sticks and Stones” begins with a guy shoving a bound and gagged girl into the trunk of his car! Then he picks up The Pierces hitchhiking and let’s just say it’s every horror story you ever heard or read of what happens to people who pick up beautiful hitchhikers. It made me want to hear other creepy songs and the first thing that popped into my mind was Helen Reddy’s “Angie Baby” about a girl who has no friends and is so crazy her parents pull her out of school. Ultimately, she traps the lecherous neighbor boy in her radio to be her lover forever while the rest of the world thinks he’s dead. Ah, the seventies… Where they would tell depressing stories. All. The. Time. The emo boys can be as dark as they wanna be, but it’s nothing compared to something like “Seasons In The Sun” which opens with “Goodbye my love it’s hard to die…”

WELCOME TO THE O.Z., BITCH!
So, I finally got around to watching the six hours of Tin Man on my DVR and…why? Seriously, what was the point of this? It wasn’t totally uninteresting, and definitely had a nice look, but what is the point of changing the story of Dorothy in OZ to DG in The O.Z. (no, I’m not kidding; that’s what they call it in the story; it’s the Outer Zone) and make her, not a simple farm girl from Kansas but a princess from another world raised in Kansas by two robots after her sister, The Wicked Witch, kills her as a child and apparently Glinda the Good Witch is their mother (which is how she’s brought back to life). The Scarecrow is now a genius inventor who was Glinda’s advisor, before the Wicked Witch took his brains through a giant zipper in his head. Tin Man is actually an ex-cop and obviously “tin” is a reference to “tin star.” Why he gets the title is beyond me, since he’s not the focus of the story. It actually feels more like an idea that had Wizard of Oz aspects slapped on top of it to sell it. There are references to the original Wizard of Oz, but are dropped with all the subtlety of a falling anvil. The problem is, there’s no wit or verve behind any of it. There’s no intellectual conceit either, no edge or even some sort of revisionist view (though there is an interesting twist as to how the Wicked Witch became wicked and Dorothy’s hand in it and it actually managed to wake me up). It’s just a very workman like production, like 99% of all the things on The SciFi Channel. This is typical of the Halmis, who are the people behind all those lame fantasy mini-series that keep popping up like Dinotopia, The 10th Kingdom, Earthsea, The Infinite Worlds of HG Welles, etc. Needless to say, they’re also behind the current Flash Gordon TV series. Even actors like Zooey Deschanel and Alan Cummings are dull. Ironically, Anna Friel does a better Zooey Deschanel on Pushing Daisies, which also has all the magic this lacked. But the new flying monkeys are creepier than the originals. It's weird, but bruthas are more disturbed by the flying monkeys than anyone.

ROLLING ON THE RIVER STYX
So Ike Turner died. Hell has a new guitarist. What’s funny and sad is that when Phil Spector was inducted into the Rock & Roll hall of fame he had Ike Turner as a guest at his table, apparently, not giving a rat’s ass Tina Turner was at the ceremony as well. I’m sure Ike will save him a seat in hell on that special level they have for assholes who treat women like shit.

GET ME THAT JACKET!

1. The Golden Compass/NewL Wknd/$ 26.1 Total/$ 26.1
2. Enchanted/Disney Wknd/$ 10.7 Total/$ 83.9
3. This Christmas/ScreenG Wknd/$ 5.0 Total/$ 42.8
4. Fred Claus/Warner Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 65.6
5. Beowulf/Paramount Wknd/$ 4.4 Total/$ 76.0
6. No Country For Old Men/Mira Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 28.9
7. August Rush/Warner Wknd/$ 5.2 Total/$ 20.4
8. Hitman/Fox Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 35.8
9. Awake/MGM Wknd/$ 3.3 Total/$ 10.7
10. Bee Movie/DreamWorks Wknd/$ 2.6 Total/$ 121.0

HEAVEN KNOWS
The Golden Compass opens at number one and this is currently infamous because it’s sent some religious nutcases into a frenzy, because it’s based on a series of books known as the His Dark Materials Trilogy (The Golden Compass is the first book in the series) by an avowed atheist as a flat out attack on religion. In other words, it’s like an answer to the Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe, which was underlying Christian. The irony is, these books are meant for kids who don’t really give a shit either way. All they see are kid heroes, magical worlds and talking animals. The further irony is, in an effort not to alienate the audience either way, the producers of both films have essentially castrated the subtext and underlying themes. All that remains here is the evil body in this movie calls itself The Majesterium, which is also a self-referential term for The Catholic Church. The Majesterium here is trying to stop James Bond (actor Daniel Craig) from researching the possibility of not just other universes but of something called “Dust” which has something to do with people’s souls, which here are called “daemons” and walk alongside you in animal form. The college goes against The Majesterium and funds James Bond’s research. In seeming response The Majesterium sends Nicole Kidman who takes away his orphaned niece who is being raised at the college (and if you can’t see this twist coming, you’re just a moron). Just before the girl goes, the head of the college gives her the last remaining Golden Compass, which was actually given to them by her uncle, though it’s apparently her destiny to have it. The Golden Compass allows the user to divine the truth in situations and all the others were destroyed by The Majesterium (‘cause, you know, they’re evil and need to hide the truth). The girl is supposed to keep it hidden, which is why she, of course, wears it in a leather pouch around her at all times. Because no one is going to notice you with that thing on your body 24/7. Obviously, Nicole Kidman does and with her creepy little golden monkey daemon try to take it from her. The girl then escapes and is found by gypsy types called “Gyptians” because there was obviously some intense imagination going on here. They’re gearing up to fight The Majesterium because it’s been kidnapping their children. Using the Golden Compass, the girl can guide them to the kids, and along the way picks up a warrior polar bear to protect her and this is the best part of the film. There’s much more and it all comes at you a million miles an hour with not much follow through, which is the problem. Books like this are dense with their own mythology and of course a certain amount must be sacrificed when bringing it to the screen. However, Lord of The Rings, whose books started all this crap, proved you can still do them a certain amount of justice, but you’re going to have a near three-hour running time so just suck it up. Not to mention, this comes from New Line, the same studio that produced those films! But still they don’t and the story suffers for it (they even chop the ending off, completely ignoring that parts of it are actually in the trailer!) So between that and destruction of the subtext, it pretty much becomes a movie about fighting polar bears and talking animals. But in that respect, it isn’t bad, though I don’t understand why sooo much CGI is needed. I mean they’re animating dogs and cats. Dogs. And. Cats. You know, those animals that have been trained for 70 years to do things in films? This is the sad precedent set by George Lucas who would CGI actual people when he didn’t need to. If anything, they should have replaced Nicole Kidman with it, because every talking animal in this thing has more life in its face than she does.

CAN’T BUY ME MY NAME ABOVE THE TITLE
Enchanted is down to number two and also in this is Patrick Dempsey, sticking to his guns of “support the woman” which has served him well with his Grey’s Anatomy comeback and even with the modest success of Hillary Swank and her teacher movie. He knows the days of Can’t Buy Me Love are not coming back. Instead he’ll join Mark Ruffalo and Dermot Mulroney in the “Behind Every Actress Who’s An A-List star Is A Dude Who’s Not” club. Here, Amy Adams continues her ascension to A-list she’s been building to since all but stealing both Wedding Crashers and Junebug---for which she was nominated for a Supporting Actress Oscar, and thank she didn’t win, because we would never have seen her again.

BLASPHEMER!
This Christmas is down to number three and if you really want to know just how much Chris Brown annoys me, know that he annoys me more than Usher, who just recreated Gene Kelly’s signature number “Singing In The Rain” for the Movies Rock show (which is partnered with that great Movies Rock magazine I told you about last week). Usher and Gene Kelly should never have been in the same sentence ever, but here they are. I think you can imagine how much that annoys me. Now double that and you’ll just begin to approach what I think of Chris fucking Brown.

AND CRAP BEGAT GARBAGE AND GARBAGE BEGAT JUNK AND JUNK BEGAT…
Fred Claus actually rises to number four and it’s only going to get worse as they get closer to Christmas, which is why stars don’t stop making holiday shit like this.

I KNOW FAR TOO MUCH ABOUT NOTHING AT ALL
Beowulf is down to number five and another odd piece of casting here is Costas Mandylor, one of two Australian brothers who briefly popped up on the radar back in the 90’s. If you remember them then you’re as sad as I am and have watched far too many lame TV shows and bad movies, not the least of which was the adaptation of Delta of Venus. It’s amazing how some people are so untalented they can make sex boring.

PRETTY BOYS DON’T EAT PUSSY
No Country For Old Men is up to number six followed by August Rush, holding steady at number seven which is pretty impressive. Hitman is down to number eight, followed by Awake at number nine and also in this is Fisher Stevens, best known as “The Undeserving Dweeb Who Had And Lost Michelle Pfeiffer.” What’s even more amusing is that he’s rumored to have cheated on her. Now, some may wonder how someone like him could cheat on someone like her, but there are many who insist that pretty people tend to be lousy in bed because they feel no need to try as the object to be desired, whereas ugly people know they have to go that extra mile to get the return engagement. I do agree somewhat with the the latter, as I doubt oral sex was created by someone who ever modeled a swimsuit. No it was some fugly bastard who knew he’d never get another chance unless he did something drastic…and that’s how Oog Ma of the Telu tribe took Mela from Dorak, despite Dorak’s more promienent brow and superior woolly mammoth hunting skills.

BEGONE!
Finally, Bee Movie closes out the top ten at number ten. I’d love to say this was going away now, but so many kids are going to be dumped in the movies on Christmas Day, that even with Enchanted, Fred Claus, The Golden Compass and Alvin & The Chipmunks around, there’ll be enough spillover to bring it back. Sigh.

DIONYSUS UNBOUND!
So, I finally put my body to its ultimate test with my honoring Dionysus at a bar near my home. Needless to say, though it’s half a block away, I still wasn’t there on time, but only The Lunatic had preceded me. Or so I thought, because apparently the Former Blonde Bombshell was sitting at the bar and I walked right by her. She was later joined by Star Sister and her boyfriend, who also didn’t know I was in the back. It was my plan to buy everyone a drink for coming to see me, but then everyone insisted on buying me a drink. I blame Surrogate Sister for this as she tried to make it some sort of birthday celebration for me, but I stopped celebrating it back in my 30’s. Now it’s just a countdown to erectile dysfunction and death, so we just don’t acknowledge them any more. I was surprised to see Vassar Girl make an appearance, as I haven’t seen her in forever (see, she moved to Brooklyn and that’s pretty much the beginning of the end). Movie Buddy demonstrated why she’s a good friend by showing up and immediately asking, “What are we eating?” I momentarily out-gayed Nightlife Guide by getting into a discussion with his friend about the fashion of Gossip Girl (yes, I’m still looking for that damn jacket and if any of you gave a shit about me you’d find it). Around The Way Girl did a drive by to say hello and let me know that her engagement was finally official. Also making an appearance were two of my former co-workers from the real estate agency, Eve Harrington and Cruella DeVille. Eve Harrington is actually a guy I trained who just blended right into that lifestyle of money and bitchery. First job out of college and he found where he could be a bitchy queen and succeed. Cruella DeVille worked in the office in some public relations and I don’t think she could or would dress poorly even with a gun to her head. I also give her points for self-effacing humor as when we made a joke about her having a “blonde moment” she responded, “And I’m Polish too, so it’s twice as bad.” Speaking of former co-workers, their mirror image from the comic book store appeared with Geekus Prime and his girlfriend, Miss Teschmacher, who are both managers. I joked it wasn’t a night until someone hit the floor and someone did, but in true form, it’s always the last person you expect it to be (and I won’t embarrass her here). After she fell for the second time, it pretty much signaled the end of the night and I put her in a cab (she wasn’t so drunk she couldn’t try to negotiate with a few cabs for the ride home to Queens) and headed home myself. This is when I hit the floor. Apparently, I’d been so preoccupied with talking with my friends and then taking care of her, I didn’t realize how freaking drunk I was. I found out quickly…when the bed wouldn’t stop moving. I then wrapped myself up in my favorite 15-year-old “drunk comforter” and went to sleep on the nice, hard floor, which does not move. I woke around 6:00 am still slightly drunk with the beginning of a hangover…WHICH FEELS A LITTLE LIKE A BRAIN BLEED! Yes, for a few moments on the floor in a drunken painful stupor, I began to imagine my brain was bleeding again. Thankfully, I was smart enough to take the next day off and by five I’d healed myself with Popeye’s Chicken and a Slurpee. God’s medicine.

DIONYSUS UNBOUND PT. II
Though she didn’t stay, Around The Way Girl did stop by my gathering, so I felt obligated to stop by hers. Also, my comic book people stopped by and they were getting together, so I could do no less. We started at The Black Room, which is a wine bar near FIT. I’d been there before with Star Sister a few years earlier and there as well we missed each other. Around The Way Girl works in finance and so does her fiancée so you can imagine the make up of this party. Let me put it this way, of the women I wound up speaking to, literally half had gone to Wharton Business School. One was a very nice Italian woman who was thinking about buying an apartment and I offered what little knowledge I had about real estate, mostly expressing how much I hate co-ops and new buildings. We were joined by her friend who entertained me with just her presence, as she was a combination of Miranda and Samantha from Sex & The City. Tall, blonde attractive, but maybe a little too smart for her own good, because she didn’t seem crazy and there’s simply no other reason someone like that is going on a series of blind dates like she was. Samantha/Miranda even broke her dates down to a sad formula: 1st Drink: Discuss Work; 2nd Drink: I’m Divorced; 3rd Drink: You’re So Sexy. She obviously knew what she wanted and made no bones about it and that’s scary to those of us with exterior genitals. That was the other thing; Samantha/Miranda was definitely on the prowl. She came to that shindig prepared to possibly hook up and it was so coming off her, I couldn’t help but smile. Obviously, my short, broke, fat ass was not a consideration, but when the six-foot-something, artistically scruffy Brazilian named Ecco showed up, the Italian and I found ourselves quickly abandoned while she discussed her upcoming trip to Brazil with him, in detail without distraction. But artistically scruffy types aren’t really drawn to the Samanthas and Mirandas of this world, much less a combination, so she was quickly back to us. Round about the time Samantha/Miranda started trying to convince The Italian to get a Hamptons share, I knew it was about time for me to go, as I believe that only the worst people in NYC go to the Hamptons, which is why summer is the best time to be here. Also, I had to join my geeks downtown, where drinks weren’t $10 a pop. It was naturally at a bar across the street from St. Mark’s Comics. A longtime employee who’d moved to Portland---where apparently you can live so cheaply, he now works half as much but is able to save more money---was back in town and that was his hang. After brief stops by the store to buy a new Captain America action figure and to Paul’s Hamburger Palace for cheeseburger to line my stomach, I joined them at the bar. Well, outside first, as one of the staff members is underage and couldn’t get in (and you’re know they’re serious about carding when a cute 18-year-old with a serious rack gets turned away at the door). I then spent the next three hours discussing every possible geek thing you could imagine without shame and with the aid of alcohol. It was not pretty. There was even a comic book artist at the table, who thanked me for supporting the Supergirl book he once drew. This is the problem with booze, because in retrospect I had a bunch of geeky questions I failed to ask him. Then again, he was seemingly more interested in another one of the cute East Village girl clerks St. Mark’s Comics is known for. When she left, he didn’t hang around to talk to us and hopefully when home to his pregnant wife. So two nights, three gatherings a lot of drinks later I’m somewhat confident I’ve fully recovered. After all, you don’t test your brake repair by restrained driving at safe speeds. Yeah, I had one paranoid moment, but I have those every time my head so much as tingles when I work out.

ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES A FAT BOY…
So long as I was destroying my body, I decided to try and make a frittata for the first time. A three-cheese frittata. Mozzarella, Swiss Gruyere and Asiato. Along with freshly cut red pepper that I sautéed in olive oil. Yeah, you know you want me. But I don’t want you, ‘cause I’ve got cheese.

YOU FUNNY
Finally, it was Dave Attell who made my weekend complete when he had an hourlong special on HBO. It was as wonderfully tasteless as ever. You have to love a joke about lying to your Native American girlfriend saying, “You above all should know how meaningless promises are.” I also loved the idea of a jagermeister ad campaign by showing what it does to you. “If the pumpkin didn’t want me to fuck it then why was it smiling at me!?! Jager.” And “A little girl sits alone on a swing crying. Where’s daddy? Jager.” I caught a little of the Kathy Griffin special which was more disturbing than funny. Did I really need to know Barbra Walters uses astroglide? I’ll never touch it again.

HOW DEEP IS YOUR GEEK LOVE?

1. Enchanted/Disney Wknd/$ 17.0 Total/$ 70.6
2. This Christmas/ScreenG Wknd/$ 8.6 Total/$ 36.9
3. Beowulf/Paramount Wknd/$ 7.9 Total/$ 68.6
4. Awake/MGM Wknd/$ 6.0 Total/$ 6.0
5. Hitman/Fox Wknd/$ 5.8 Total/$ 30.2
6. Fred Claus/Warner Wknd/$ 5.5 Total/$ 59.8
7. August Rush/Warner Wknd/$ 5.2 Total/$ 20.4
8. No Country For Old Men/Mira Wknd/$ 4.5 Total/$ 23.0
9. Bee Movie/DreamWorks Wknd/$ 4.5 Total/$ 117.6
10. American Gangster/Universal Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 121.7

WICKED…ENCHANTED, I’M SENSING A TREND HERE.
Enchanted holds at number one and I still didn’t make it in to see this and it becomes less likely with every passing day. Though I was a little more motivated once I learned that Idina Menzel was also in it. She’s better known as the jackpot winner who married Taye Diggs, despite the fact he’s waaaay prettier than she is. Oh, yeah. She won a Tony for Best Actress for Wicked too. I know Rent blew and bombed, but she was the highlight of the movie and I cannot believe she hasn’t gotten better offers. Her Wicked co-star and fellow Tony-winner, Kristen Chenoweth, landed well if not on top with Pushing Daisies where she often gets to sing and is surrounded by fellow theater thespians Ellen Greene and Swoosie Kurtz (two time Tony winner). Since the producers are obviously inclined this way, by their choice of Raul Esparza, maybe they’ll give Idina a job too and get those 15-20 extra theater fans to tune in.

DENZEL WASHINGTON AND HALLE BERRY IN “FLAG DAY”
This Christmas holds at number two and I cannot hate on Mehki Phifer, because after two weeks this is up to $37M with a cost of only $13M, which means everybody who invested in this is going to seriously get paid and he was wisely a producer on this. And there’s still three weeks to Christmas! Despite my hatred of Chris Brown, I’d rather see something like this do well than Tyler Perry’s tripe. But this is only going to serve to piss off more actors who lost roles to no-talent non-actors like Chris Brown and rappers like David Banner, who also appears in this. I also fear for a sudden run on Black family films set around every holiday of the year. Snoop Dogg has an interesting take on Arbor Day I’m told. And the Eddie Murphy Valentine’s Day movie strangely has an all male cast and a huge make-up and wardrobe budget. Hmm. Co-star Ru Paul? Oh. Now I get it.

HERE AGAIN I PONTIFICATE ON A MOVIE I HAVE NOT SEEN
Beowulf holds at number three, followed by Awake opening at number four and this ad campaign was handled poorly, because if there’s something everyone is terrified of it’s being awake during a operation, but the ad seems more committed to be married to Jessica Alba then being awake during an operation. They don’t sell the gut fear of doctors and hospitals that we all have (especially when they steal your iPod and never reimburse you) and so it just looks dull. Not to mention, how do you build two hours around this? And then there’s the matter of giving away the evil plot to kill the guy in the trailer as well. What exactly goes on for two hours worth seeing, especially when we know that Jessica Alba doesn’t do nudity!?! This would have to be a well crafted piece of work to pull this off and the very fact that Jessica Alba is in it makes that very doubtful.

IN HINDSIGHT IT WAS BEST FOR ALL. WELL, MAYBE NOT ALL.
Hitman is down one notch to number five and also in this is Dougray Scott, who will forever suffer the ignominy of having been originally cast as Wolverine for The X-Men movies, but having to give it up because shooting on Mission Impossible 2 ran over due to struggles between Tom Cruise and John Woo (Thandie Newton would have missed on Charlie’s Angels anyway because she was pregnant). But it’s for the best because he’s looking pretty damn old here while Hugh Jackman is aging nicely as they prepare for the Wolverine spin-off film.

CAN YE GIVE US A HAND HERE, DA?
Fred Claus holds at number six followed by August Rush holding at number seven and this was directed by Kirsten Sheridan, the daughter of Jim Sheridan and she’s credited with co-writing In America along with her sister and father, and given the problems with this film, I guess we know just how much daddy carried his little girls. And now you know why it’s a distinctly Irish musician rather than just some American dude. But given the Sheridans know Bono (when I was working at the real estate agency, one of the brokers was working for the Sheridans and mentioned they were staying at Bono’s place in New York), would it have been too much to ask U2 for some better music for the Irish band in this movie? I’m still amazed as how much it sucked. Even The Corrs would have been an improvement. And this gives Terrance Howard two films in the top ten this week, neither one a street hood, which I’m sure is a deliberate effort on his part. He’s damn good as a bad guy, but even Christopher Walken breaks it up now and again.

NEWFLASH: UGLY OBNOXIOUS DUDES DON’T MAKE A LOT OF MONEY
No Country For Old Men rises to number eight as its theater count increases in order to improve Oscar awareness, while Bee Movie takes a massive drop to number nine and this hasn’t even made budget yet, even when you include the international take. It doesn’t help that Seinfeld is revealing himself to be the dick I’ve always suspected him to be in his publicity tour. And he didn’t help himself with his defense of his golddigging, waste-of-space wife when her book about the unoriginal idea of mixing vegetables with other foods to get kids to eat them (like a brownie with broccoli isn’t actually more disgusting than broccoli alone) was accused of plagiarism because a similar book was submitted to her publisher previously. He went on Letterman to trash the author of the other book even though it was others who’d accused his wife of stealing the idea and not her. So here was a famous multi-millionaire beating up on a woman no one had ever heard of while trying to sell something. Not wise. Compare it to the number ten film, American Gangster, which reportedly cost less, but has made more in the same time frame but with an “R” rating and longer running time. Probably because, while no saints themselves, Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe aren’t exactly ugly or lacking in charm. You really can’t say the same for Jerry Seinfeld. Though in all fairness, the reported budget of $100M most likely does not include the costs of the previous aborted version.

WHERE’S MY MAKING OF XANADU ARTICLE!?!
If you have a subscription to pretty much any Conde Nast magazine you probably got the “Movies That Rock” insert (I’ve gotten at least four). Usually, you can throw it away, but this one is actually worth keeping, especially when there are no longer any good movie magazines in the wake of the death of Premiere. It’s about rock music in the movies and in addition to Vanity Fair style photo layouts, a mini-reunion of The Commitments, ripping on celebrity albums (Bruce Willis, Jennifer Love Hewitt, etc), lists of best movie soundtracks (Jazz, Cult, Unreleased)---including listing the 50 best soundtracks (though missing The Rutles “All You Need Is Cash” while including crap like Garden State, Top Gun and stupidly Crooklyn over Do The Right Thing)---it has an amazing article on the genesis of Saturday Night Fever with interviews with most of the cast, including John Travolta, The Bee Gees and Paul Pape who played none other than Double J. He was actually a stage-trained actor who was pigeonholed by the role and now runs a production company. And while everyone knows about Denny Terio teaching Travolta to dance, the man who taught him to move was a six-foot black choreographer queen named Lester Wilson, who would put on music and tell Travolta, “Move with me, muthafucka---move with me!” Then there was the shakedown of the movie by certain elements in Bayridge where it was shot ($7K to Black Stan if youse wanna put lights by da bowling alley). Also, Saturday Night Fever didn’t give birth to the disco craze, it actually saved it when it was dying and then kicked it into the stratosphere. Man, I love that movie.

I COULD SWEAR HE HAD A THEME SONG
So a part of my childhood died with Evel Knievel. I don’t want to think how many stupid things we wouldn’t have done on our bikes if not for the example set by Evel. And then there were the knuckle-punishing toys. See the Evel toy bike sat in a cradle that you would wind up and then when it got fast enough you’d cut it loose with enough velocity to do jumps over whatever little ramps you’d set up. The problem was the crank wasn’t high enough so unless you were very careful, on every downturn you’d scrape your knuckle on the ground! Ah, toys from the past. It’s a miracle any of us lived to wax nostalgic on them.

FINAL REMINDER
At 6:00, Thursday, December 6th at Perdition at 692 10th Avenue (48th & 49th) I will begin paying homage to my pagan gods by imbibing at the nearest tavern and you are welcome to join me. It’s not a party, merely a drunken repudiation of both Christianity and modern medicine. I know who protected me from the evils of physical fitness and it wasn’t science or some Jewish hippie carpenter! For a second I wondered if I screwed up, as this kinda interferes with my dinner, but then I remembered they not only serve food there, they actually have empanadas from Empanada Mama, so I might just bring a toothbrush and a change of clothes, because there’s no real reason to leave. And apparently this is my week to drink, as Around The Way Girl is having an actual party the following night. Needless to say, we are not going into work on Friday. Maybe not even Monday.