I AM THE 400TH RIP OFF OF THIS IDEA

1. Unknown/Warners Wknd/$ 21.8 Total/$ 21.8

2. I Am Number Four/Touchstone Wknd/$ 19.4 Total/$ 19.4

3. Gnomeo And Juliet/Disney Wknd/$ 19.2 Total/$ 50.3

4. Just Go with It/Sony Wknd/$ 18.5 Total/$ 50.3

5. Big Momma 3/Fox Wknd/$ 16.3 Total/$ 16.3

6. Justin Bieber/Parmount Wknd/$ 13.3 Total/$ 48.2

7. The King’s Speech/Weinstein Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$103.2

8. The Roommate/SGems Wknd/$ 3.9 Total/$ 32.5

9. The Eagle/Focus Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 15.1

10. No Strings Attached/Paramount Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 66.0

THEN HE’LL TAKE ON THE KILLER BEES

Unknown opens at number one and Liam Neeson has begun a second career as an aging action star battling the collective fears of society. First, he stops those dirty foreigners from taking your virginal daughters because the weak-ass French sure as hell can’t do it and now he’s going to snap the necks of anyone trying to steal your identity. In the next one I want him to kill people who steal your wireless internet signal. You can tell he’s a bigger star now because in the last one the 20-something actress played his daughter. Here the 20-something actress plays his wife. Honestly, because this just looked so much like Taken and because they gave so much away in the trailer (it’s clearly a plot against him and apparently he’s got ass-kicking skills no normal doctor would have) sleeping in looked like a more enjoyable option.

THE AMAZING POWERS OF BUFFY ON THE ROSWELL/SMALLVILLE BORDER

I Am Number Four opens at number two and I’ll admit, this was a guilty pleasure to me, but given I’ve watched ten years of Smallville is that a surprise? Superpowered teens have been a part of pop culture since Superboy first popped up sixty years ago and has continued on through Spider-Man, Buffy and technically the Twilight series. That last example is especially relevant when you consider this is based on Young Adult novel from the fiction factory of none other than disgraced novelist, James Fry (by fiction factory I mean his name is on it, but it’s written by one of a group of writers). But the real wonder is how the creators of either the Powers of Matthew Star or Roswell aren’t suing them for essentially copying their idea. Basically, the last members of the elite of an alien race are all hiding on earth and each has a guardian. Judging by the looks of them, this was a planet of supermodels, as pretty boy Alex Pettyfer (who aside from being a model is the son of a model) is the charge and Timothy Olyphant is the guardian. This is what makes their “blend in” strategy so hysterical. Yeah, no one’s going to notice the tall, good-looking father and son duo. Especially when the kid dyes his hair blonde of all colors, because no one notices a tall, good-looking blonde. But on a basic level it works, especially in the last twenty minutes, where all the teen angst stops and the powers, explosions and special effects come out. Just don’t ask yourself logical questions, like, if their guardians know these kids are to be the super-powered defenders against evil why the fuck aren’t they training them? When the kid throws a tantrum and uses his newly awakened powers against Timothy Olyphant, Olyphant the uses a precise strategy to kick his ass anyway. You’d think that lead to a lecture about his powers not being enough against someone used to fighting them (like their enemies clearly did to wipe out their race) but it doesn’t. Little details like that are what prevent this from at least being a decent little teen action movie. Another reason the last half-hour is a lot fun is entrance of the no-nonsense Number Six, a cute blonde on a motorcycle who actually knows how to kick ass using her powers, but a smarter producer would have introduced her to the film midway through, not in the final act. It’s not like it’s a good book you’d be changing.

BLONDE, PRETTY, BIG BOOBS…SINCE WHEN DO PEOPLE LIKE THAT?

The cinematic herpes known as Gnomeo & Juliet holds at number three, followed by Just Go With It At Number four and what is it about Brooklyn Decker that I’m not getting? Even on a purely physical level (not that there’s anything else) what is it about her that makes seeming every male cream in their jeans? Honestly, Bridgette Wilson in Billy Madison was hotter.

MARTIN THE MOVIE WOULD BE BETTER

Big Momma: Like Father, Like Son opens at number five and there just are no words for this…abomination. Seriously, this looks like one of those 30 Rock joke movies that Tracey Jordan has made. As Eddie Murphy said about Beverly Hills Cop 3 “It’s hard to turn down $15M dollars” but there shouldn’t be any amount of money in the world that would get you to do this. Will Smith, you should help your boy out and make Bad Boys 3 to stop him from doing shit like this. No, the world doesn’t need Bad Boys 3 either, but it needed this even less.

POTENTIAL AND FIFTY CENTS WILL GET YOU A CUP OF COFFEE

Justin Beiber: Never Say Never is down to number six, followed by The King’s Speech at number seven and The Roommate at number eight and also in this is Billy Zane who is like a rocket that just simply couldn’t make orbit. He’s been around forever and always seemed like just one step away from being a star, from having a role in Titanic to being the titular star of the potential Phantom movie franchise, but it just never happened to the point he was reduced to a joke about mostly being famous for dating models, as shown in Zoolander. Know who else was in The Phantom? Catherine Zeta Jones. He was also the psycho who tormented Nicole Kidman and Sam Neil in Dead Calm. And was the funniest part of Only You with Marisa Tomei and Robert Downey Jr. Yeah, that’s gotta hurt seeing how many of your own generation have succeeded and now you’re just supporting the next generation. Well, at least you’re working. Can’t remember the last time I saw your sister, Lisa Zane. Maybe she’s hanging out with Angelina Jolie’s brother.

MANLY MEN DOING MANLY THINGS

The Eagle is down to number nine and this is the manliest movie in the manliest sense because there are no women in it. I mean there are women of course, but none with an actual speaking role that I can remember, much less a character of any substance or weight. Even the book has at least one woman who actually saves the life of Jamie Bell’s character in the arena. In the movie Channing Tatum does it so the “No Girls Allowed” sign can stay on the clubhouse door. It’s funny because I mocked Centurion for its somewhat forced inclusion of the beautiful woman who helps the lead. You just can’t win with me.

THE SECOND IN THE HISTORY OF STAR WARS

No Strings Attached closes out the top ten at number ten and far from crushing Natalie Portman’s Oscar chances with a Norbit like torpedo, this may actually bolster it by showing her as a successful box office force. It’s made $88M worldwide on a $25M budget without a single special effect and Black Swan has made $200M off a $13M budget. Gasp! Is Natalie Portman finally a genuine A-list star?

I WAS BORN IN A SMALL TOWN

Not in the top ten is Cedar Rapids a comedy about Ed Helms as a small-town manchild who loses his innocence in the wilds of Cedar Rapids. This is one of those films that simultaneously exalt the virtues of middle America but at the same time ripping off the veil. Helms is genuinely a simple innocent, but the film opens with him boning his former 5^th grade teacher, played by Sigourney Weaver. He loves the small insurance firm where he works and idolizes its best salesman---who then dies of autoerotic asphyxiation. He genuinely does not know the girl talking to him in front of the hotel is a hooker and gives her butterscotch but later winds up doing meth and making out with her. Yeah, it’s like that, but believe it or not, it all works thanks in no small part to an army of talented supporters from the aforementioned Sigourney Weaver to Stephen Root to Anne Heche to John C Reilly (as the foul-mouthed agent who helps lead him down the path of awakening) to Rob Corddry to Isaiah Whitlock Jr, providing a meta joke as very square insurance salesman who loves “HBO’s The Wire.”

ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST

I love you, Judy Greer, but Mad Love is yet another bad TV show you’re on and I cannot put myself through it just for you. I remain eternally sad love monkey didn’t work out. Even that show on ABC with as a guidance counselor was better than this.

DO YOU LIKE MOVIES ABOUT GLADIATORS?

1. Just Go with It/Sony Wknd/$ 31.0 Total/$ 31.0

2. Justin Bieber/Parmount Wknd/$ 30.3 Total/$ 30.3

3. Gnomeo And Juliet/Disney Wknd/$ 25.5 Total/$ 25.5

4. The Eagle/Focus Wknd/$ 8.6 Total/$ 8.6

5. The Roommate/SGems Wknd/$ 8.4 Total/$ 26.1

6. The King’s Speech/Weinstein Wknd/$ 7.4 Total/$ 93.9

7. No Strings Attached/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 59.9

8. Sanctum/Universal Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 17.5

9.True Grit/Paramount Wknd/$ 3.8 Total/$160.3

10. The Green Hornet/Sony Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 92.3

BEAUTIES AND THE BEAST

Just Go With It opens at number one and I’d like to rant on about this as another instance of ugly men with gorgeous women half their ages in movies, but it’s always been like this. Humphrey Bogart is a movie god, but he was not good looking and Lauren Bacall was half his age. Ugly men run the movies and always have. If they were good looking, they’d be in front of the camera. You don’t see Ryan Reynolds making any business decisions do you? No boy from Gossip Girl is going to be deciding who gets hired and fired. No one with an aquiline nose, chiseled jaw, full head of hair and a flat stomach decided, “Hey, let’s put Adam Sandler with a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model.” No, Adam Sandler decided that and his legions of equally aesthetically-challenged fans let the world know it was all right, the same way they did when he cast Bridget Wilson, Julie Bowen, Winona Ryder, Courtney Cox, Jessica Biel, Emmanuelle Chirqui, Kate Beckinsale and Salma Hayek as his love interests. Drew Barrymore, not so much. With the exception of Happy Gilmore, I find Adam Sandler’s humor to be one colossal lowbrow failure and I’ve got nothing against a good lowbrow joke. He’s just not funny. That he’s ugly doesn’t help. Needless to say I did not and will not see this.

NEW EDITION, NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK…THE LIST IS ENDLESS

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never opens at number two and he’s always freaked me out because while it’s a running joke that he looks like a lesbian, I know a lesbian who does in fact look just like him. That said, he doesn’t bother me. Seriously, Katie Perry bothers me more. Bieber is just the latest in a tradition of teen idols going back to Frank Sinatra with everyone from Elvis, Michael Jackson and Justin Timberlake in between. People who hate him either have no sense of history or are just painfully stupid. Not to mention, that clip of him drumming at two is better that I can drum right now, so I can’t deny he’s probably more talented on some level than 90% of the populace.

NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS

Gnomeo & Juliet opens at number three and you have got to be fucking kidding me. Just when you think you have hit rock bottom with Alpha & Omega, they clearly have started tunneling with shit like this. But it always makes money because every parent in the country will take their child to this just to have 90 minutes of peace. Not the parent taking them, but the one who gets to stay home, who will owe the other big time.

NO, WE ARE NOT ENTERTAINED

The Eagle opens at number four and what the hell is this return to movies about the Roman Empire? Is this still a residual effect of Gladiator? But it’s not big mainstream work, but smaller indie films that are doing it. Earlier this year it was Centurion, which was about the loss of the legendary 9^th Legion, which was annihilated by the Northern British tribes, without one single survivor to tell the tale. This is about Channing Tatum as the son of the general who led the 9^th into disaster trying to redeem his family’s honor by finding “The Eagle” the symbol of Roman military might. Aiding him in this is his British slave, Jaime Bell, whom he saved from death in the arena when he [Bell] wouldn’t fight to amuse the Romans. Now, I give the film credit for trying to do more than just be an action movie and spending time to show the details of both Roman life and that of the tribes of Britain who justifiably hated them, but that only makes sense if the movie were about Tatum’s growing awareness of the flaws of Rome and his eventual realization of the rights of those people. It’s not. It’s about him finding the fucking Eagle and pretty much killing the people who stand his way. There’s never any real doubt whether or not his slave will turn on him though they give it lip service. Of course he’s so impressed he is with Channing Tatum’s quest for honor he forgets about how his father had to kill his own mother to keep her from being raped by Roman soldiers. How can you give your situation depth but not give your main character the same consideration? There’s even a moment where the beautiful daughter of the chieftain who has The Eagle takes notice of Tatum. You know where this is going, right? Wrong. It leads to nothing. It’s dismissed as quickly as it comes up is the possibility his father didn’t die fighting, something he suggests early in the film. Basically, showing history in more detail is easy, creating a fully realized character is not. And while this is drama and not history (something critics of The King’s Speech need to learn) it still pisses me off that they do so much to show details of life of that period, they still get the fucking “thumbs” wrong. When the emperor wanted someone to die, he gave thumbs up to say “Yes, do it!” Thumbs down was “No, he lives.” One fucking painting has epically defined general knowledge of this.

AND SHE LOOKS KINDA PORNY

The Roommate is down to number five and there are actors who were made for TV and actors who were made for the movies. Alyson Michalka is a TV actor. Tall, blonde and attractive you’d think she have her choice of roles, but the fact is, her look isn’t…innocent enough to be “The Girl” for whom our hero longs for. In this she’s the suspicious best friend who meets a bad end (thank you trailer for giving it all away) and in Easy A she’s the annoying friend who turns on her. On TV, however, where women hold the most viewing power, she’s the lead of her own series. Discuss amongst yourselves.

THERE’S NOTHING WORSE THAN GEEK SLOPPY SECONDS

The King’s Speech is down to number six and I had the worst crush on Helena Bonham Carter beginning back with the still perfect Room With A View (whoever stole my copy, you’ll pay for that in hell) carried on through every other period piece she did and climaxed with a full frontal nude sex scene in The Wings of the Dove. Then Tim Burton tainted her forever with his seed. I know they’ve broken up, but his gothic geek stench remains.

MRS. RALPH BELLAMY

No Strings Attached is down to number seven and also in this is Lake Bell. This is her second movie with Ashton Kutcher and in both she’s the more interesting second banana female. She’s funnier and tougher than Cameron Diaz in What Happens In Vegas and is funnier and more interesting than Natalie Portman here (with a better boobs than both). She was so Meryl Streep’s nemesis in It’s Complicated. Again, on TV she was the lead in her own ill-fated series about weird alien undersea creatures, but in the movies she cannot get the guy.

THE END

Sanctum is down to number eight, followed by True Grit at number nine and The Green Hornet closing out the top ten at ten.

I’M NOT GAY AND DON’T HAVE GOLDFISH

Again, trying to keep to my New Year’s resolution of going out more, I wound up at a karaoke, where everyone now clearly bases their song choices on this week’s episode of Glee (they should really get a cut of how they’ve probably improved karaoke business over the last year). I was at a bar near midtown on 38^th street with a few of the Jezebels though they’re more Tumblr people these days and apparently it’s something I need to be doing. Dunno. Daddy can barely handle Facebook. Tumbling and Tweeting may be a bit much. Besides, none of our lives is actually that interesting. We were doing traditional karaoke this time, $1.50 per song in a bar with others, rather than the painfully expensive private room, but I still made the same mistake as always: too much time talking loudly in a bar before trying to sing. My voice was shot before a single note. I mean it was going to suck no matter what, but now it was going to be execrable. Fortunately, there are songs that don’t require actual singing like Cameo’s “Word Up” and Justin Timberlake’s “Sexy Back.” Trying to do Maroon 5 “If I Never See Your Face Again” was a mistake, however, though he really can’t sing either. I could oddly hit the high notes however and the group of sistas at the bar helped me out. Of course the best part of any karaoke experience are others, even though their pathetic behavior may strike a bit too close to home. Namely the lonely middle-aged drunk queen who started off by massacring Swing Out Sister’s “Breakout” they proceeded to annoy our group all night. He started by believing the myth that as a gay man he’s got a bond with every larger-sized black woman on the planet and commented on the coat of a girl in our group. Then he starting hitting on one-half of the gay couple until he was told in no uncertain terms to “Go the fuck away.”…which only sent him to try and strike up conversation with the girls in our group. Finally, he left…only to return and continue to annoy everyone around him. Clearly there was no one at home (I’m sure even his goldfish were annoyed by him) and judging by his musical choices his best years were the 80’s. Like I said, pathetic behavior that struck a little close to home. Then he left again…and came back again, only to finally find someone he couldn’t annoy, two guys who were characters in their own right. One was shorter larger-sized guy and the other was his taller, thin longhaired friend. Basically the comic relief sidekicks to the main character in any movie you’ve seen. The thin guy even had a pathetic growth on his face that he was trying to call a goatee. Basically think of that tall geek from Freaks and Geeks. He didn’t seem to annoy them, but we feared for their future if they got too drunk with him. They might wake up the next morning to find their friendship had crossed line. We left karaoke to go another bar nearby but the area between Madison and Fifth is where K-town becomes Murray Hill, is unfortunately filled with the douchebaggery the east side has been known for. It was initially the Upper East Side that was populated with the crowd who can’t seem to leave college, then it sprouted up on Park Avenue in the area between 18^th street and 23d and now Murray Hill fills the gap. The guys who wear Axe and women who get roofied by them. None of us could stand it so we then went to place in K-Town that promised fried chicken with cocktails---only to be disappointed to find it closed. However, there was another Korean fried chicken place just across the street that was open (it was after midnight after all) and yea, it was good. After that we closed the night out at an Irish bar between 5^th Avenue and Herald Square where I continued my new thing of whiskey. Yes, today I have become a man…thanks to the lesbians who made me drink it on New Year’s Eve.

HALF THE MUSIC, ALL THE ANNOYANCE

My DVR is so full it not only wouldn’t record all The Grammys for me, but started deleting stuff on top of it. Sigh. Okay, I came in at Katy Perry and she doesn’t annoy because of her music---which is just recycled 80’s hooks, which is why Nicole Kidman loves it so much---it’s the lyrics. It’s not that they’re bad. I mean, I grew up on Duran Duran, so I know bad, but they’re not even interesting. They’re worst than bad. They’re banal, boring. There is no greater sin in art...Norah Jones, Keith Urban and John Mayer doing his best Johnny Depp doing Dolly Parton ain’t bad at all…If you’d told me 5-6 years ago that Rhianna would still be around and a megastar I’d have called you crazy. And I don’t even know who the second singer with Eminem is. You know you’re old when the Grammys are more current than you…poor Esperanza Spalding, the curse of “Best New Artist” is on you now. Just ask Men at Work, Taste of Honey or even Christina Aguilera who won it over Britney what it means for your future…the musical role call of death…MICK! Clearly doing a tribute to someone who meant something to him. This is what a superstar looks like, kids. Holy shit is that Raphael Saddiq on guitar? You can’t push him like you push Keith. He’s not used to it….Kris Kristofferson when did you get so old?...Babs and another example of what a superstar looks like, kids. Though that dress isn’t doing her any favors…Nicki Minaji clearly loved that Bride of Blackenstein sketch on SNL last week…P. Diddy needs to stick to classic suits. Trying his own edgy style looks like shit…so how is it with all the men Rhianna worked with, none of them beat the shit out of Chris Brown?...JLo is The Bride of The Zombie…it’s okay, Babs. Beyond a bunch of hipsters who are undoubtedly upset that “their” band is even on the Grammys, no one knows or gives a fuck about Arcade Fire. Though I do like the idea that winners get to close the show.

PRETTY AS A PICTURE

1. The Roommate/SGems Wknd/$ 15.6 Total/$ 15.6

2. Sanctum/Universal Wknd/$ 9.2 Total/$ 9.2

3. No Strings Attached/Paramount Wknd/$ 8.4 Total/$ 51.8

4. The King’s Speech/Weinstein Wknd/$ 8.3 Total/$ 84.1

5. The Green Hornet/Sony Wknd/$ 6.1 Total/$ 87.2

6. The Rite/Warners Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 23.7

7. The Mechanic/CBS Wknd/$ 5.4 Total/$ 20.1

8.True Grit/Paramount Wknd/$ 4.8 Total/$148.4

9. The Dilemma/Universal Wknd/$ 3.4 Total/$ 45.7

10. Black Swan/FoxS Wknd/$ 3.4 Total/$ 95.9

SINGLE WHITE COED

The Roommate opens at number one and when I was a boy it was called Single White Female and because you hired actual actors instead of pretty starlets they didn’t have to look exactly alike to begin with. If you do that then where’s the transformation to indicate the descent into psychosis? In the meantime, somewhere Blake Lively is pissed off that she wasn’t the first Gossip Girl cast member to have a #1 as the star.

SPELUNKING SHOULD BE A TERM OF ONLY THE NASTIEST SEX

Sanctum opens at number two and really, without underground monsters to fight, who the hell wants to see a movie about spelunking? With no stars no less!?!

SHE SAID THE SAME ABOUT JOEL SILVER SO YOU KNOW SHE’S RIGHT

No Strings Attached is down to number two and also in this as Ashton Kutcher’s dad is Kevin Kline, which I think is a nice casting move. You get a clear reason where the character’s height and good looks come from. Kline is clearly repaying director Ivan Reitman for Dave, one of the few good movies Reitman has made without Harold Ramis or Bill Murray. His rep is build on movies like Meatballs, Stripes and Ghostbusters, but without them you get Kindergarten Cop, Twins, Junior, Father’s Day, Six Days Seven Nights, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, etc. Big stars with little laughs. In her book, “You’ll Never Eat Lunch In This Town Again” the late Julia Phillips called him “another businessman pretending to be an artist” and she was right.

MOVIES FOR THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR

The King’s Speech is down to number four, followed by The Green Hornet at number five and also in this is Christopher Waltz who won an Oscar just last year for Inglorious Basterds. But like Cameron Diaz’s presence, you wouldn’t know it from the advertising. They’re aiming for the odd audience that is interested in neither tall blondes nor talented actors. Strangely, that makes sense for a Seth Rogen movie. They know they aren’t getting laid and don’t want to think.

THE MAN WAS HAWKEYE PIERCE FOR GOD’S SAKE!

The Rite is down to number six, followed by The Mechanic at number seven and Donald Sutherland’s career long ago became supporting the younger leading man actually carrying the movie as far back as Ordinary People with Timothy Hutton on through A Time To Kill with Matthew McConughey, but showing up just to die to propel the movie is just sad. For half a second I expected Mark Walberg to show up in a mini cooper.

DO YOU EVEN KNOW THE LYRICS TO U.N.I.T.Y? DIDN’T THINK SO.

True Grit is down to number eight, followed by The Dilemma at number nine and also in this is Queen Latifah and exactly what is her continued stardom based on? Outside of Chicago she has no real movie hits, her rap career was a loooong time ago and she never enjoyed the success of say, LL Cool J. Living Single? Was it that successful, because I never watched it after the first episode? Somewhere along the line she became famous simply because she was famous.

THE “IN THE BLACK” SWAN

Finally, Black Swan closes out the top ten at number ten and can you believe this thing is about to hit $100M? I didn’t care for it, but it’s returns like these which keep indie film alive $95M for a $13M film means everyone gets cheese on their Whopper and another few works get the green light in hopes of the same high reward for low risk.

GIRLS ON FILM! AND BRIDGES! AND TATTOOED FREAKS!

So, we always talk about the artistic opportunities constantly available in NYC but the truth is we rarely indulge in them. They’ve always been there and will always be here, so we take for granted being able to see it at our leisure. This is how I missed the Gustav Klimt exhibit at the Jewish Museum a few years back. I kept telling myself I’d go see it and then…it was gone. This weekend, however, I continued to make good on one of the two New Year’s Resolutions I made get out more to see some kind of art in the city (the other was get more sleep and I think we all know that was a big failure). I went to see Amel Larrieux at the Blue Note two weeks back and this weekend went to see an exhibit of the photography of Mark Seliger at a gallery on 23^rd street for his book “Listen.” You know his work best from Rolling Stone or GQ or Vanity Fair and he even did a whole book on Lenny Kravitz (he did the shot of Kravitz in the red paint)…which is odd. The recent Glee cover of Rolling Stone? Him. Kim Kardashian on the cover of “W” in silver paint? Him. Katie Holmes trying to look like Jackie Kennedy on the cover of New York Magazine? Him. That “nip/tuck” poster with the girl with sutures up her back that you didn’t know was based on a real person? Him. Brittney Spears for Candie’s ads? Um, yeah. Him too. Gotta pay the bills. Any multi-star Vanity Fair photoshoot? If it wasn’t Annie Lebowitz, it was him. And while we all take pictures of the Brooklyn Bridge or skyline of NYC, it’s the artistry of photography, which makes his photos of the same better, unique, allowing you to see things you never saw before. Of course my favorite shot was of the naked woman with her legs spread, but that’s neither here nor there. There’s still a gorgeous shot of abandoned bridge supports in New Jersey totally validating all I’ve said. All the photography is in glorious black & white lending credence to what Goddard or Truffaut said about color “being” a distraction. And you know how in the movies when our artist hero is an art gallery and two gorgeous, dark and “artsy-looking” women walk in? I can never say that’s just Hollywood fantasy again, because that’s exactly what happened. See, this is why “Californication” exists. Some dude’s fantasy about what would happen if he had a classic “hip” novel and looked like David Duchovny and was in an art gallery and two hot artsy babes walked in. Me, I have no novel, don’t look like Duchovny and was wearing a Superman shirt, so I just left and went down to Chelsea Market to have hot chocolate. ‘Cause that’s how I roll bitchez!

FASTER PUSSYCAT, DIE, DIE

Tura Santana, star of Russ Meyer films like the classic, Faster Pussycat, Kill Kill died yesterday and up until I read her obit I had no idea she was Asian going against that demure bullshit stereotype all along. Represent, sista!

SUPER WHATEVER

So another Super Bowl has come and gone and while I kinda wanted the Steelers to win because my mom has always been a Steelers fan and I like the hold Brett Farve held over Green Bay, I like the fact that serial sex offender Rothlesberger didn’t win. Also, when you turn the ball over three times, get bad calls that go your way and the Packers lose one of their strongest defensive players and you still can’t score, you don’t deserve to win. I pretty much ignored the awful-as-usual halftime show to rewatch the Captain America commercial over and over again and it’s still miscast. Best commercial of the night? Sorry, but it’s Eminem standing up for Detroit showing you can shill for an evil corporation and still maintain your dignity. Not that Danica Patrick would know anything about that with those damn Go Daddy spots. And yes, we all love the kid Darth Vader Volkswagen commercial.