LOOK! LOTS OF SPORTS WE DON'T CARE ABOUT!

1. Shutter Island/Paramount Wknd/$ 40.2 Total/$ 40.2

2. Valentine’s Day/WB Wknd/$ 17.2 Total/$ 87.4

3. Avatar/Fox Wknd/$ 16.1 Total/$ 687.8

4. Percy Jackson & Olympians/Fox Wknd/$ 15.3 Total/$ 58.8

5. The Wolfman/Universal Wknd/$ 9.8 Total/$ 50.3

6. Dear John/Screen Gems Wknd/$ 7.3 Total/$ 66.0

7. The Tooth Fairy/Fox Wknd/$ 4.5 Total/$ 50.0

8. Crazy Heart/Fox Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 21.2

9. From Paris with Love/Lions Wknd/$ 2.5 Total/$ 21.2

10. Edge of Darkness/Warner Wknd/$ 2.2 Total/$ 40.3

I WANT A MONSTER!

Shutter Island opens at number one and I’m beginning to realize that I just don’t like Leonardo DiCaprio onscreen. His weird elf-like face works better on that McSteamy guy on Grey’s Anatomy. At least he looks like a man. DiCaprio looks like a child forcibly aged. It also doesn’t help that Martin Scorsese continues to poison the well with his continued support of Roman Polanski. Now I’ll be the first to tell you, you do need to separate the dancer from the dance. Show me a genius and I’ll show you a pervert, but for some reason Scorsese’s insistence on it just pisses me off and that bleeds over into my willingness to see his work. But mostly it’s just DiCaprio. Not to mention I just don’t care. DiCaprio winds up on an island with crazy psychiatrists using their criminal inmates for experiments. Yawn. This holds no interest for me unless there’s going to be a monster at the end. Yes, I’m serious. I need mad scientists making a big man-eating creature for this to appeal to me at all. Otherwise, a bunch of people torturing Leonardo DiCaprio only makes me hope they win.

CRY ANOTHER DAY. SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

Valentine’s Day is down to number two followed by Avatar at number three and Percy Jackson down to number four and also in this is Pierce Brosnan who seems quite content to have settled into a career of being a supporting player post-Bond. Though oddly he’s still pissed about losing Bond and won’t watch Daniel Craig. Dude, get over it. You’re taller and prettier, but there’s no way you could have brought the same menacing physicality to the role. If Daniel Craig comes into a room, you can believe he’d kill you. If Pierce Brosnan comes into a room you wonder if that’s the guy from an ad in GQ and you want to ask him about his shoes.

MY PEOPLE REFER TO HIM AS GOD.

The Wolfman is down to number five and also in this is Hugo Weaving who has carved out a place in the geek pantheon for himself. In addition to this he also has The Matrix Trilogy, The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, V for Vendetta and Transformers (though he’s never met Michael Bay). All he needs is a Star Trek or a Star Wars for the cherry on top, but even now he can live off geek convention money for the rest of his life.

LIKE A COUNTRY SONG, THEY’RE ALL THE SAME

Dear John is down to number six followed by The Tooth Fairy at number seven and Crazy Heart at number eight and it’s understandable if you think you’ve already seen this before when it was called Tender Mercies. It’s no coincidence. Robert Duvall is in both and co-produced both. But one small difference is Tender Mercies was written by none other than Horton Foote, who has my favorite observance ever: “Things often change. Things rarely change back.”

HOW TO WRITE A SEQUEL

From Paris With Love is down to number nine with The Edge of Darkness closing out the top ten at number ten and can you smell another Lethal Weapon coming? I can. Riggs and Murtagh called out of retirement for one last case and have to deal with a pair of cops who have their same dynamic---but with the twist that’s only interesting to someone who went to business school, the White cop is the family man and the black cop is the ex-solider who’s crazy! Oh, and she’s a lesbian! I’d like my check for that made out to “cash.”

ICE DANCING? SERIOUSLY?

When I was a kid, I hated the Olympics because they screwed up TV viewing by knocking all the shows off one network and making the others show reruns. Now I’m grateful because my DVR was up to 97% full and I’ve finally gotten it back down to into the 50’s with this break, because god knows I’m not watching fucking curling or figure skating. Now, I bought into the Lindsey Vonn hype and watched her win Gold and Bronze and as stupid as I find tape delay in the age of cable and the internet, it was still interesting. Of course, her being hot helps. A lot. I feel sorry for women who had Michael Phelps, who had a god’s body, but if he had to make his living modeling, would starve to death, ‘cause pretty he ain’t. And since when have Black people been part of the Winter Olympics!?! Yes, I’m being a self-bigot, but a brutha not only competing but also winning both breaks and solidifies stereotypes. Breaks them because, well, he’s there at all. We’ve never been big on the water to begin with, especially when it’s frozen. But it solidifies them because if it’s a sport, we’ll master it. At this point I’m seriously glad no one black is in “ice dancing.”

AH-OOOOH! WEREWOLVES JUST OUTSIDE LONDON.

1. Valentine’s Day/WB Wknd/$ 56.4 Total/$ 56.4

2. The Wolfman/Universal Wknd/$ 31.8 Total/$ 31.8

3. Percy Jackson & Olympians/Fox Wknd/$ 31.4 Total/$ 31.4

4. Avatar/Fox Wknd/$ 23.5 Total/$ 661.1

5. Dear John/Screen Gems Wknd/$ 16.1 Total/$ 54.0

6. The Tooth Fairy/Fox Wknd/$ 6.0 Total/$ 42.0

7. From Paris with Love/Lions Wknd/$ 5.5 Total/$ 16.6

8. Edge of Darkness/Warner Wknd/$ 4.8 Total/$ 36.3

9. Crazy Heart/Fox Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 16.8

10. When In Rome/Touch Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 26.3

VD: WHICH IS SO APPROPRIATE FOR THIS MOVIE, I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU

Valentine’s Day opens at number one and even a romantic comedy whore like myself has had no choice but to pass on the crap being passed out as romantic comedies, this being the epitome of it. But why should I be surprised when it comes from the inept hand of Garry Marshall who inflicted Julia Roberts and Pretty Woman on us? Opening at number on a three-day Valentine’s Day weekend is child’s play. Any romantic comedy no matter how bad could have done it. If it couldn’t open at number one with that cast on this weekend, that would have been a story. This is not. And watch it die next week without this boost.

ONE STEP CLOSER TO THAT BIG SCREEN THREE STOOGES MOVIE

The Wolfman opens at number two and if you like an old-fashioned horror movie with modern gore, then this is your movie. We’ve got fog-enshrouded moors, palatial English estates, gypsies, frightened townspeople, inspectors sent down from Scotland Yard, a rampage through the streets of London and a guy in wolf-suit looking as wonderfully stupid as Lon Chaney did 70 years ago. Oh yeah, there’s CGI aplenty, but I love that they went old school and just had guys in wolfsuits. I loved that The Howling and An American Werewolf in London took it to another level, but I will always prefer what is clearly any actor in some make-up. Especially in a movie like this. They also have the silliness of a Latino American in the middle of a bunch of White English accents (he’s an actor in the states, so that’s why he doesn’t have an accent any longer and his mother was clearly Latin and he takes after her, but his brother didn’t). And while I don’t do the scary, this is more of an old-fashioned fun monster movie than it is some device to try and make you wet your pants or to give you a boner over people being tortured to death. It follows the basic plot of the original film, but with a fun little twist that allows Anthony Hopkins to chew up the scenery a bit more. How something so utterly simple could have taken years to make to the big screen is beyond me. It’s not like you’re seeing some epic, complicated piece of work. It’s just dumb fun.

I WAS A TEENAGE DEMI-GOD

Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief opens at number three and speaking of werewolves, a year or two back there was a movie called Blood & Chocolate based on a Young Adult series of books. It was clearly looking to cash in on the Harry Potter films. It failed (because it should have been trying to cash in on Twilight, but pre-dated that film by a year) but filmmakers have not stopped trying which is why this exists. Percy Jackson is another young adult series involving fantasy and that’s all they knew. You’d think they’d have paid more attention to the fact Harry Potter was a mega-bestselling work on top of it, but no. Let me put it this way: I’d heard of Harry Potter before the films were made, but I hadn’t heard a thing about this before the film came out. I was tempted because I am an old mythology buff and actually only returned to the world of comics when I ran out of mythology to read, but when I saw the two-hour running time I decided to just stay home and read comics. There’s just not two hours worth of story here to me. I can see it just in the trailers. When the most interesting image in your supposed adventure movie is of Uma Thurman as Medusa with an iPhone, you’ve got a problem.

DANCES WITH WOLVES PART II WAS ONLY TEN MINUTES LONG

Avatar is down to number four and they keep talking about a sequel. Why? You can’t have a sequel, because like any story about aborigines defeating the invaders what really happens is the invaders come back with more firepower and wipe them out. Seriously, how exactly is communing with the planet going to stop carpet-bombing from orbit!?!

WHY TINA FEY GETS A HUNDRED TEXTS ABOUT A MEAN GIRLS SEQUEL A DAY

Dear John is down to number five and the success of this undoubtedly sent Lindsay Lohan on another drinking binge given the fourth female lead behind her in Mean Girls now has a better movie career than she does.

ANALYZE THIS CAREER

Tooth Fairy is down to number five and remember when Billy Crystal was a box office star with the one-two punch of When Harry Met Sally and City Slickers? I’m sure he does, given he’s also in this in what seems to be a variation of his Miracle Max role from The Princess Bride. Come to think of it, he’d have made a funnier version of this as perhaps some tax accountant sentenced to become a Tooth Fairy.

BUT THEY’RE STILL WUSSIER THAN OUR GHETTOS BECAUSE THEY’RE FRENCH

From Paris With Love is down to number seven and say what you want about this movie, but it’s rare you see Paris depicted as a multi-cultural city complete with housing projects (thanks for nothing, Amelie). The tourist board may not appreciate this small touch of realism, but I find it as fascinating as when I found out England also has housing projects. Which begs the question: why doesn’t Europe have better rappers?

SOMEWHERE DANNY GLOVER IS SMILING, HIS WORTH PROVEN

Edge of Darkness is down to number eight and this isn’t quite doing for Mel Gibson what Taken did for Liam Neeson, but will probably find a second life on DVD and eventually on cable as it is a solid little revenge fantasy. I expect the next film will have Sylvester Stallone and just be called, “Don’t Fuck With My Daughter Or I’ll Kill You.”

AN OPEN CALL FOR A MOVIE BUDDY

Crazy Heart is down to number nine and someone needs to make me see this. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

SOME DEPRAVED RELATIVE OF CHUCK’S

Finally, When in Rome closes out the top ten at number ten and also in this is none other than Don Johnson as Kristen Bell’s father and I get a kick out the second career movie stars get playing the parents to the next generation. And I’ve always liked Don Johnson. It’s about time he turned up on Gossip Girl as someone’s dad by now, right?

I BLAME HER LACK OF NEW MATERIAL FOR MY NONEXISTENT SEX LIFE

It’s been a decade, but Sade finally released a new album! It’s more of the same, which is to say, music to have sex to. That’s all you really want from her and she delivers. The best track is the single, “Soldier of Love” which breaks a bit out of the mold and she’s at her best when she’s mournful. I was watching a little “making of” documentary online where this English guy was talking about the band and lo and behold that English guy was her! Damn. She’s always had a deep voice, but if you need an argument not to smoke, you’ve got it. But what I really hope this leads to is another Sweetback album (the band Sade without Sade). The first one was awesome, but the second one I don’t even remember and it’s here somewhere.

HOW I DIDN’T MAKE IT IN NYC

How To Make It In America started on HBO and my weakness for shows actually filmed in NYC forced me to watch it (not to mention that Shannyn Sossamon is in it), but it depressed the hell out of me because I can still remember being a 20-something with plans on “making it” and like these fuck-ups, I didn’t want to really work for it either. Yeah, that doesn’t work. Then there’s the scene of the sure thing you blow and she winds up with someone else. I still play that over in my head. I don’t need to see it onscreen. But it does make being young and struggling in NYC seem to be the most glamorous thing ever. Unfortunately, that only happens if know people who live this hip, chic, downtown NYC life and just seem to know everybody everywhere. And don’t think it’s not self-aware as shit. “Oh, Nico’s loft? That was my birthday party,” is as heavy-handed as it gets. It’s also a bit dated. Eating on someone’s Conde Nast expense account is very unlikely these days. And someone’s imagination was truly taxed to make the minority character an ass-hound and a hustler. Wow. Never seen that before And who the fuck loves Bryan Greenberg so much to give him all these chances!?! This is the third series he’s been in (remember the horrific October Road?) and the second HBO series (remember Unscripted?). I will try not to torture myself with further episodes, but I think we know my track record with crappy shows shot in NYC. I mean, I’m still watching freaking Gossip Girl, aren’t I?

JUST TWO GUYS WITH GUNS AND NO CHICKS

1. Dear John/Screen Gems Wknd/$ 32.4 Total/$ 32.4

2. Avatar/Fox Wknd/$ 23.6 Total/$ 630.1

3. From Paris with Love/Lions Wknd/$ 8.1 Total/$ 8.1

4. Edge of Darkness/Warner Wknd/$ 7.0 Total/$ 29.1

5. The Tooth Fairy/Fox Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 34.3

6. When In Rome/Touch Wknd/$ 5.5 Total/$ 20.9

7. The Book of Eli/Warner Wknd/$ 4.8 Total/$ 82.2

8. Crazy Heart/Fox Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 11.2

9. Legion/SGem Wknd/$ 3.4 Total/$ 34.7

10. Sherlock Holmes/Warners Wknd/$ 2.6 Total/$ 201.6

LOVE ME OR DIE TRYING

Giving the appearance of being a masterstroke of counter-programming, Dear John opens at number one this week, pushing Avatar down to the number two slot. Over the coming year you’ll probably see a half-dozen female-oriented films opening on the weekend of big sporting events hoping to generate a similar result, because it’s not like anyone thinks this movie is good and its initial success is based on quality. But I call this an appearance because the Super Bowl is only on one day, Sunday. So how do you explain box office results on Friday and Saturday? This would have opened big regardless, dooming us I feel to an even worse fate: more Nicholas Sparks books and movies. Let me guess what happens here: boy meets girl, they fall in love, and something tragic happens off-screen in the final act. Given he’s a soldier, he probably dies, because that’s how Sparks appears to work. When your audience is primarily women, you kill the dude. Even in The Notebook, he doesn’t get to outlive her. You’re either loving her or you’re a corpse (can you say “Titanic?”). This is so calculated, so cynical and so clearly effective I almost respect him for it. Almost.

NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT.

From Paris With Love opens at number three and this might also be seen as a the result of opening an action movie on Super Bowl weekend, but again, where were the dudes on Friday and Saturday? Seeing Dear John with their girlfriends, that’s where. It’s time to face the fact that John Rhys Meyers is the new Colin Farrell. A short, pretty, not-wholly untalented Irishman who gets many shots at the brass ring with big stars, but just not connecting and this is the latest example of it. Like Farrell, things that should be surefire, don’t make it because there’s just something missing. This is as basic an action movie as you can get. Seasoned pro gets partnered with rookie and they embark on a path of mayhem. The problem with this particular film is that it’s not fast enough to support its non-stop action storyline and simultaneously doesn’t slow down enough to flesh out the characters more. It pushes suspension of disbelief that a secret agent would cause this much public damage with no repercussion. We never feel the sense of urgency it would need to justify it, like say, an episode of 24. Also Travolta is little more than a cartoon character. We know no more about him at the end of the movie than we learn in the first five minutes. We don’t need a crying scene about how he lost his wife and kids or anything like that, but something more than a Pulp Fiction joke two-thirds of the way through the movie. What makes this more inexplicable is that we do get a two-second bit of expository dialogue from Jonathan Rhys Meyers explaining his past, which should have been the cue for a similar response from Travolta, but nothing. Now, a homoerotic angle is part of any buddy action film, but when Travolta has a shaved head, goatee, an earring, designer scarf and complains about Rhys Meyers’ girlfriend you have to ask if they’re finally in on the joke.

GIVE ME PASSION, GIVE ME INTENSITY, GIVE ME OILY!

The Edge of Darkness is down to number four and has Danny Houston ever been in a movie where he wasn’t the bad guy? It seems that he’s joined that elite club of Christopher Walken and Dennis Hopper as the go-to villains for A-list stars. It’s more difficult than you know to just “seem” oily, but he does it with consummate ease. Also here is Damian Young and you probably don’t know the name, but again when you need an asshole boss, ex-husband, or in this case politician, he’s made a career out of it. Let me put it this way: he was Mr. Big’s boss interrupting Samantha’s toast in the Sex & The City movie. He was also Karen’s fiancée on the first season of Californication. Now you know him. How can Mel Gibson not be the bestest of good guys when these assholes are on the other side?

MOMMA MONTANA?

The Tooth Fairy is down to number five and also in this is Ashley Judd, rumored to be such a pain some actors refuse to work with her. I can’t say as if I’m all that surprised. She looks very much like someone who thinks they’re easygoing, but is actually a tremendous pain in the ass. She was the “Next Big Thing” for a hot moment with Kiss The Girls and Double Jeopardy under her belt, but instead of wisely sticking with the estro-thriller, she tried to make a series of A-list dramas from Where The Heart Is to Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood and they all died. When she tried to return to the estro-thriller with High Crimes (complete with a reunion with Morgan Freeman) it flopped because it blew the central rule of the genre (SPOILER ALERT): if you’re fighting to save your husband from being framed as an assassin for the military, he can’t wind up actually being an assassin for the miliatry! Add to this one of Hugh Jackman’s many non-X-Men flops (he’s crashed with every leading lady from Halle Berry to Nicole Kidman to Meg Ryan), she’s now here beside The Rock doing kids movies and next will probably be playing mom for Miley Cyrus or someone like that.

THE MAN TO GO TO WHEN YOU WANT TO END YOUR CAREER

When In Rome is down to number six and there is no greater demonstration of the fleeting nature of fame and success than Jon Heder, who is also in this. For one brief, shining moment he was white hot with the cult success of Napoleon Dynamite, but a few bad movie choices later and he’s not even mentioned as a supporting actor in this one. Which, by the way, comes from one of the worst directors in the world, Mark Stephen Johnson, he of the odious Daredevil and Ghost Rider movies. And I never get tired of mentioning that John Irving so knew any adaptation of A Prayer for Owen Meany would suck, he made it a condition that the name be changed to disassociate it from the novel. He even came up with the alternate name: Owen Birch…which also starred none other than Ashley Judd. Honestly, this dude has never made a good movie.

WHAT A FEELING!

The Book of Eli is down to number seven and also in this as the mother of Mila Kunis is…Jennifer Beals? Say whatever you want about Jennifer Beals, but very few actors are still working in A-list films almost 30 years after their only real cinematic success. And the thing that’s most famous about it she didn’t even do! Seriously, what the hell else does Jennifer Beals have in the movie “win” column but Flashdance!?! From 1983!?! Yeah, we all loved The L Word, but it was never a “must see” cable show like Sex & The City or The Sopranos or even Dexter. And this is actually her second movie with Denzel Washington, as she was the namesake of Devil in Blue Dress, playing a role that was practically made for her: the Black woman passing for White. Yeah, I said it.

HEY, THERE’S MORE GOING ON IN TRON THAN YOU THINK!

Crazy Heart finally enters the top ten beginning Jeff Bridges’ long overdue march to the Oscar podium. I like him so much I don’t even have to see this to want him to win for it…and I really don’t want to see it. This is such an old story and we saw it just last year with Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler. Sigh. But I probably will.

THE END

Legion is down to number nine, followed by Sherlock Holmes at number ten.

AIN’T NO PARTY LIKE A BACON PARTY

So I was social for a second consecutive Saturday night, heading off to meet with the other batch of girls I know from Jezebel and as a tribute to how well they know me, not only was there bacon, but the bacon didn’t come out until I arrived. Unfortunately the host only had one pound of maple bacon. Fortunately, however, she warned me about this before I came out and I brought a second pound and given how quickly it was eaten, I should have brought two. The difference between the Jezebel groups is that one group is at least 50% lesbian and a party with them is a straight up party with music and dancing and at this last one an actual disco ball. This group is most straight (bisexuality does not count) and it’s a party in the hang out, eat, drink and talk about politics and art sense. I know the lesbian dance party sounds better, but there’s never any bacon there much less maple bacon, so I’m going to have to mark them as equals.

WHAT DO YOU CALL THE BIGGEST BOWLING GAME THEN? THE SUPER DUPER BOWL? ULTRA BOWL?

I’m disappointed the Colts lost because I like Peyton Manning and as an Atlanta Falcons fan I’ve hated the New Orleans Saints all my life, but unlike say, the Vikings who defeated themselves, the Saints actually won this one and this week cannot be over soon enough so all the recaps and analysis on ESPN will stop. But honestly, the game wasn’t all that exciting and sadly this year’s commercials reflected that. Pepsi took the year off to give to charity and the rest all seemed to be about “women are bitches who don’t let us have fun.” The exceptions were the Doritos commercials and they won me with the very first one of the dog who takes off his anti-bark collar and puts it on the guy taunting him, then starts barking. Nothing but win there. The much debated Tim Tebo commercial was funnier and not nearly as polarizing as we’d been led to believe and the “Nothing but net” commercial remake with Lebron James only reminded you how good the original one was. And I hope you people who complain about unrealistic images in TV, magazines and films enjoyed that CareerBuilder.com commercial. That’s what real people look like. Who the fuck wants to see that!?! And then there was the Dockers commercial with more “real people.” In tighty-whiteys no less! As if anyone would choose those horrible pants for any reason. And Half-Time with what used to be The Who was just sad. One old man is deaf, the other old man had throat cancer and his epic voice has long since faded away...I couldn’t even watch it was so painful. I instead made my first sloppy joes in over 30 years. Damn. How have I gone so long without them!?!

NEWSFLASH: FAST FOOD IS BAD FOR YOU. NO, SERIOUSLY. IT’S BAD FOR YOU.

One thing I can go without for another 30 years is KFC. The agency I work for represents them and there was a photoshoot with a couple hundred bucks of it and they gave it out afterwards. I went home with a bucketful (Extra Cripsy, no less), but not your normal bucketful. It was actually a few buckets shoved into one, so no matter how much I ate, it never seemed to make a dent. Its effect on my body was immediate and devastating. Five pounds in three days with actual growth in the already present jelly belly. That’s how dangerous fast food can be. Then there was the mild semi-sick coma I’d be in each time I ate it. There’s a reason I only eat Popeye’s 2-3 times a year and never any sort of large meal. I never want to learn to hate it.

GRUMPY OLD MEN...WITH GUNS

1. Avatar/Fox Wknd/$ 30.0 Total/$ 594.5

2. Edge of Darkness/Warner Wknd/$ 17.1 Total/$ 17.1

3. When In Rome/Touch Wknd/$ 12.1 Total/$ 12.1

4. The Tooth Fairy/Fox Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 26.1

5. The Book of Eli/Warner Wknd/$ 8.8 Total/$ 74.4

6. Legion/SGem Wknd/$ 6.8 Total/$ 28.6

7. The Lovely Bones/Par Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 38.0

8. Sherlock Holmes/Warners Wknd/$ 4.5 Total/$ 197.6

7. Extraordinary Measures/CBS Wknd/$ 7.0 Total/$ 7.0

9. Alvin & The Chipmunks 2/Fox Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 209.3

10. It’s Complicated/Universal Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 104.0

CHICKS AND GUNS! A MATCH MADE IN 14-YEAR-OLD-BOY HEAVEN!

Avatar holds at number one and also in this is Michelle Rodriquez and it should just be a rule that she has to appear in every movie in a tank top with a gun. She did it in S.W.A.T. and it was hot and she does it here and again, it’s hot. Then again I’d be hard pressed to find any woman who wouldn’t look hot wearing a tank top carrying a large firearm. But it helps if you’ve got a presence like hers. If Cameron made Aliens today, you know she’d be playing Vasquez. “Let’s rock!”

CLEARLY HE’S NOT TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT

Edge of Darkness opens at number two and Mel Gibson is kinda, sorta back. Like most aging action heroes, he’s now playing the grumpy old man kicking ass in the name of his kids. Liam Neeson scored big this year in Taken on a similar theme: mess with my little girl and I’ll kill you. Unfortunately, in this case, she’s not just taken but killed outright in front of him and dies in his arms. Then it’s bad guy killing time. Like Neeson, he’s not just any dad but a 30-year-cop in Boston, not to mention a former Master Sergeant, using a classic action movie archetype of the trained killer being reawakened. He starts investigating the circumstances of his daughter’s murder, beating up or killing anyone in his path, which is pretty much what I paid to see, so I was satisfied. This is by no means an exceptional action movie. The bad guys are so obvious they might as well be wearing shirts that read “No One Knows I’m Evil.” Point of fact: no good guy since the 70’s will ever be seen in a silk robe while wearing gold chains. Because Mel Gibson is a working-class cop, all bad guys wear expensive suits and have oily hair. There’s also your usual disregard to logic and gaping plot holes (she’s actually been poisoned with radiation, though the police autopsy reveals none of this because it would have drastically changed the plot), but it moves quickly enough for you not to dwell on it. You can tell Mel’s not the star he once was because they don’t shy away from showing how short he is. More than once he’s placed next an actor easily over six feet with no attempt to hide the discrepancy (Tom Cruise, this will be you one day). And his face is a walking argument against smoking. The lines and crevices are deep and unforgiving. It’s hard to believe he was once a pretty boy.

WHEN USING A SCREENWRITING PROGRAM

When In Rome opens at number three and romantic comedy whore I am, I was tempted to see this, but the more they showed of it in the commercials the worse it got. Basically, the plot is a girl takes three coins from a fountain in Rome, which causes the three guys who threw them in to come after her. But of course there’s a real love interest they’re interfering with. Now that’s not a bad plot, but you wouldn’t know this from any of the commercials because they’re highlighting the incredibly unfunny joke about breaking the vase. And honestly, I hate Kristen Bell. Someone suggested that Josh Duhmael is like the guy who loses the girl to the hero. Well, it’s appropriate that Kristen Bell is his love interest here, because she’s like the bitchy girl who loses her nice guy boyfriend to female hero. A role she’s already somewhat played in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Plus she just gives off a “bitch vibe” to me. I was never a Veronica Mars fan so I don’t come with any of that built in love. And I’ve got serious, serious issues with movies that clearly film in New York City, but then light it so it looks like a studio lot. What is the fucking point!?! This will be seen on cable in about a year. Probably on a double feature with Leap Year.

THE SOUND OF MUSIC OWNS YOUR ASS

The Tooth Fairy holds at number four and also in this is Julie Andrews and you know you’re a beloved icon when you can continually do shit like this and still be loved and still get reviews that say you bring “magic” to a role you’re clearly sleep-walking through. I’ve never seen the Sound of Music and I never will because clearly it’s like some sort of Julie Andrews heroin.

BECAUSE FROM MEL TO VIGO, PEOPLE IN THE POST-APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND ARE GORGEOUS

The Book of Eli is down to number five and also in this in the dual role of the princess who gets saved and the whore who gets redeemed is Mila Kunis. She’s the daughter of the girlfriend of town boss Gary Oldman, so she’s a princess of some sort, but at the same time he pimps her out to try and get Denzel Washington to stay reducing her to whore. Of course our hero would never do such a thing, but instead teaches her about prayer. No, I’m not kidding. Later, reading lessons come in. And if you don’t see the ending coming a mile away, then you haven’t seen enough movies. It almost makes me sad this movie hasn’t done well enough to warrant a sequel.

BE CAREFUL WHO YOU BEFRIEND ON THE WAY UP, BECAUSE YOU MAY HAVE TO BE IN THEIR CRAPPY MOVIES LATER

Legion is down to number six and how far has Dennis Quaid fallen to just be another piece of cannon fodder in a movie like this? He’d have been better off as one of the famous faces scattered throughout 2012. At least that was fun. He must have needed some money quick to do this. At least GI Joe looked like easy franchise money. This? This is just whoredom. Or maybe everyone lost a bet because Meredith from Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice is here as well and we know she doesn’t need the money. Playing her husband is Jon Tenney, who is Kyra Sedgwick’s husband from The Closer. Another bet loser, Tyrese Gibson as…well, The Angry Black Guy. Not to be confused with Charles Dutton as The Old Black Guy. Yeah, I’m thinking everyone here owed someone a favor to be in this.

THE OTHERS

The Lovely Bones is down to number seven, followed by Sherlock Holmes at number eight and Alvin & the Chipmunks The Squeakuel at number nine.

THE END

Finally closing out the top ten at number ten is It’s Complicated and I’ve really tried to see this, I really have. I loves me some Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin has finally fulfilled the comedic promise of 20 years ago, but clearly this is just not to be. I even tried a Saturday night run---which I never do---but fate and movie times were against me. See you on cable in a year.

BARELY A TWO

Long after its debut and fall from the top ten is the movie I did wind up seeing on Saturday night: Nine. And if you wonder why such a seeming hit (Six Oscar winning Actors in a Tony-winning musical from the director of the Oscar winning film version of Chicago) failed so totally know this: the two best musical numbers come from Kate Hudson and Fergie. Yeah, exactly. This the film adaptation of the musical adaptation of the classic film Fellini film, 8 ½. It became the musical Nine in 1982 with Raul Julia and won a Tony (it actually beat out Dreamgirls) and was revived twenty years later to win another Tony with Antonio Banderas and I’m sure given director Rob Marshall’s success with Chicago this seemed like money in the bank, especially given the casting of Daniel Day Lewis, Judi Densch, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, Marion Cotilliard and Sophia Loren. How Fergie and Kate Hudson snuck in we’ll never know, but ironically they got the best numbers. It seems that Rob Marshall is more at home with lowbrow than he’d like to believe. That they are also the more grandly choreographed numbers clearly plays to his origins as a choreographer, but Marion Cotilliard has two ballads that also work very well, though still not enough to save this. What works onstage doesn’t necessarily work on film and whatever needed to be translated clearly was not. I never saw the film (much less the Broadway show) so I can’t compare it to this, but this honestly is what I always fear about seeing: a shambling, near incoherent mess centered on a person I could give a shit about.

SADLY, THIS IS NO TKO

So Death enjoyed last year in the world of creativity so much it’s continuing this year. It’s only January and already we’ve lost everyone from J.D. Salinger to Robert B. Parker to the creator of Gumby to Teddy Pendergrass. Needless to say Teddy Pendergrass bothered me the most. Another genuine R&B singer is gone and his successors are few and far between. Nee-Yo? I think not. Also gone, Pernell Roberts, Jean Simmons, Eric Rohmer, Erich Segal and the creepy small person from Poltergeist, Zelda Rubenstein. Not even porn is immune as both Juliet Anderson and Erica Boyer have died. The latter was actually killed in a car accident (which kills porn stars like planes kill rock stars) on New Year’s Day, which is the most fucked up thing in the world. She has a son who has to deal with mom dying on the day that most symbolizes a new beginning. It’s almost as bad as dying on Christmas.

SHE SINGS CRAZY SONGS/I SING SIMPLE ONES/BUT I MADE MORE MONEY…

As always, I recorded the Grammys to watch later at fast-forward to skip all the dull talk and country numbers (seriously, if it’s not the pretty money-making blondes, why do they even include them?)…Lady GaGa is making a career out of putting on the best show at an awards ceremony. And unlike a lot of people I could name she’s actually fucking singing. And is it really surprising to see her with Elton John? I think not. She’s just as much his descendant as she is Madonna’s. It’s a shame no one remembers Captain Fantastic as much as they do this portly middle-aged guy in a suit…I preferred Green Day when they were just young punks and before they became adults and gained awareness. I mean look at the gut on the drummer. The drummer! That’s when you know you’re successful and old when even your drummer gets fat…the most interesting thing to me about Beyonce’s performance is her all-girl band. Sorry, but I just don’t care and better singing doesn’t improve Alanis Morisette…and you know Seal is happy. Look at how fat he is even in black. You’d think his model wife could help him dress to hide that. Then again, hiding fat is not something she’s familiar with…Pink the balladeer is also boring and it doesn’t matter how stunning the aerial gymnastics are. But her body is a rock from having to do this on tour almost every night…Fergie, however still has her curves from doing Nine where she played an Italian hooker and I’d rather they just jump to the overplayed hit than make me listen to other albums tracks that aren’t hits for obvious reasons…and we’re skipping the country music performance…I hate Jamie Foxx, so we’re going to fast-forward through this, stopping only to see Slash for the whore he’s been since working with Michael Jackson…don’t care about the Joe Brown Band and I don’t care about Taylor Swift either, but Stevie Nicks compels me to stop and watch and hear that Taylor Swift cannot sing anything other than her own songs and honestly she sounds awful there too. Ouch…not having the necessary 3D glasses means the Michael Jackson number was lost on me to a certain extent, though I remain unmoved. And I’m trying not laugh at his INCREDIBLY WHITE CHILDREN coming up to the podium. Yes, I’m an evil bastard…is it just me or is Bon Jovi getting shorter as he gets older?...the road to hell is paved with good intentions and overblown remakes of old songs. Who is really going to buy this version of “Bridge over Troubled Water”?...they have not printed enough money to make me listen to Dave Matthews…Maxwell and Roberta Flack. That’s some R&B up in your face, bitches. Roberta Flack can still sing but needs help with her make up. And that wig? WTF? And keep clinging to the idea that Maxwell is straight, ladies. Divas don’t react that way to straight men…the roll call of death, but only Les Paul deservedly gets the tribute number…well, I just heard half a rap song thanks to all the bleeping and of course the blondest, whitest girl in the universe, Taylor Swift is up and bouncing to it…and she won Album of the year in typical, middle-of-the-road-safe-Grammy-Fashion. See you next year!