LOOK! LOTS OF SPORTS WE DON'T CARE ABOUT!

1. Shutter Island/Paramount Wknd/$ 40.2 Total/$ 40.2

2. Valentine’s Day/WB Wknd/$ 17.2 Total/$ 87.4

3. Avatar/Fox Wknd/$ 16.1 Total/$ 687.8

4. Percy Jackson & Olympians/Fox Wknd/$ 15.3 Total/$ 58.8

5. The Wolfman/Universal Wknd/$ 9.8 Total/$ 50.3

6. Dear John/Screen Gems Wknd/$ 7.3 Total/$ 66.0

7. The Tooth Fairy/Fox Wknd/$ 4.5 Total/$ 50.0

8. Crazy Heart/Fox Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 21.2

9. From Paris with Love/Lions Wknd/$ 2.5 Total/$ 21.2

10. Edge of Darkness/Warner Wknd/$ 2.2 Total/$ 40.3

I WANT A MONSTER!

Shutter Island opens at number one and I’m beginning to realize that I just don’t like Leonardo DiCaprio onscreen. His weird elf-like face works better on that McSteamy guy on Grey’s Anatomy. At least he looks like a man. DiCaprio looks like a child forcibly aged. It also doesn’t help that Martin Scorsese continues to poison the well with his continued support of Roman Polanski. Now I’ll be the first to tell you, you do need to separate the dancer from the dance. Show me a genius and I’ll show you a pervert, but for some reason Scorsese’s insistence on it just pisses me off and that bleeds over into my willingness to see his work. But mostly it’s just DiCaprio. Not to mention I just don’t care. DiCaprio winds up on an island with crazy psychiatrists using their criminal inmates for experiments. Yawn. This holds no interest for me unless there’s going to be a monster at the end. Yes, I’m serious. I need mad scientists making a big man-eating creature for this to appeal to me at all. Otherwise, a bunch of people torturing Leonardo DiCaprio only makes me hope they win.

CRY ANOTHER DAY. SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

Valentine’s Day is down to number two followed by Avatar at number three and Percy Jackson down to number four and also in this is Pierce Brosnan who seems quite content to have settled into a career of being a supporting player post-Bond. Though oddly he’s still pissed about losing Bond and won’t watch Daniel Craig. Dude, get over it. You’re taller and prettier, but there’s no way you could have brought the same menacing physicality to the role. If Daniel Craig comes into a room, you can believe he’d kill you. If Pierce Brosnan comes into a room you wonder if that’s the guy from an ad in GQ and you want to ask him about his shoes.

MY PEOPLE REFER TO HIM AS GOD.

The Wolfman is down to number five and also in this is Hugo Weaving who has carved out a place in the geek pantheon for himself. In addition to this he also has The Matrix Trilogy, The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, V for Vendetta and Transformers (though he’s never met Michael Bay). All he needs is a Star Trek or a Star Wars for the cherry on top, but even now he can live off geek convention money for the rest of his life.

LIKE A COUNTRY SONG, THEY’RE ALL THE SAME

Dear John is down to number six followed by The Tooth Fairy at number seven and Crazy Heart at number eight and it’s understandable if you think you’ve already seen this before when it was called Tender Mercies. It’s no coincidence. Robert Duvall is in both and co-produced both. But one small difference is Tender Mercies was written by none other than Horton Foote, who has my favorite observance ever: “Things often change. Things rarely change back.”

HOW TO WRITE A SEQUEL

From Paris With Love is down to number nine with The Edge of Darkness closing out the top ten at number ten and can you smell another Lethal Weapon coming? I can. Riggs and Murtagh called out of retirement for one last case and have to deal with a pair of cops who have their same dynamic---but with the twist that’s only interesting to someone who went to business school, the White cop is the family man and the black cop is the ex-solider who’s crazy! Oh, and she’s a lesbian! I’d like my check for that made out to “cash.”

ICE DANCING? SERIOUSLY?

When I was a kid, I hated the Olympics because they screwed up TV viewing by knocking all the shows off one network and making the others show reruns. Now I’m grateful because my DVR was up to 97% full and I’ve finally gotten it back down to into the 50’s with this break, because god knows I’m not watching fucking curling or figure skating. Now, I bought into the Lindsey Vonn hype and watched her win Gold and Bronze and as stupid as I find tape delay in the age of cable and the internet, it was still interesting. Of course, her being hot helps. A lot. I feel sorry for women who had Michael Phelps, who had a god’s body, but if he had to make his living modeling, would starve to death, ‘cause pretty he ain’t. And since when have Black people been part of the Winter Olympics!?! Yes, I’m being a self-bigot, but a brutha not only competing but also winning both breaks and solidifies stereotypes. Breaks them because, well, he’s there at all. We’ve never been big on the water to begin with, especially when it’s frozen. But it solidifies them because if it’s a sport, we’ll master it. At this point I’m seriously glad no one black is in “ice dancing.”