AH-OOOOH! WEREWOLVES JUST OUTSIDE LONDON.

1. Valentine’s Day/WB Wknd/$ 56.4 Total/$ 56.4

2. The Wolfman/Universal Wknd/$ 31.8 Total/$ 31.8

3. Percy Jackson & Olympians/Fox Wknd/$ 31.4 Total/$ 31.4

4. Avatar/Fox Wknd/$ 23.5 Total/$ 661.1

5. Dear John/Screen Gems Wknd/$ 16.1 Total/$ 54.0

6. The Tooth Fairy/Fox Wknd/$ 6.0 Total/$ 42.0

7. From Paris with Love/Lions Wknd/$ 5.5 Total/$ 16.6

8. Edge of Darkness/Warner Wknd/$ 4.8 Total/$ 36.3

9. Crazy Heart/Fox Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 16.8

10. When In Rome/Touch Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 26.3

VD: WHICH IS SO APPROPRIATE FOR THIS MOVIE, I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU

Valentine’s Day opens at number one and even a romantic comedy whore like myself has had no choice but to pass on the crap being passed out as romantic comedies, this being the epitome of it. But why should I be surprised when it comes from the inept hand of Garry Marshall who inflicted Julia Roberts and Pretty Woman on us? Opening at number on a three-day Valentine’s Day weekend is child’s play. Any romantic comedy no matter how bad could have done it. If it couldn’t open at number one with that cast on this weekend, that would have been a story. This is not. And watch it die next week without this boost.

ONE STEP CLOSER TO THAT BIG SCREEN THREE STOOGES MOVIE

The Wolfman opens at number two and if you like an old-fashioned horror movie with modern gore, then this is your movie. We’ve got fog-enshrouded moors, palatial English estates, gypsies, frightened townspeople, inspectors sent down from Scotland Yard, a rampage through the streets of London and a guy in wolf-suit looking as wonderfully stupid as Lon Chaney did 70 years ago. Oh yeah, there’s CGI aplenty, but I love that they went old school and just had guys in wolfsuits. I loved that The Howling and An American Werewolf in London took it to another level, but I will always prefer what is clearly any actor in some make-up. Especially in a movie like this. They also have the silliness of a Latino American in the middle of a bunch of White English accents (he’s an actor in the states, so that’s why he doesn’t have an accent any longer and his mother was clearly Latin and he takes after her, but his brother didn’t). And while I don’t do the scary, this is more of an old-fashioned fun monster movie than it is some device to try and make you wet your pants or to give you a boner over people being tortured to death. It follows the basic plot of the original film, but with a fun little twist that allows Anthony Hopkins to chew up the scenery a bit more. How something so utterly simple could have taken years to make to the big screen is beyond me. It’s not like you’re seeing some epic, complicated piece of work. It’s just dumb fun.

I WAS A TEENAGE DEMI-GOD

Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief opens at number three and speaking of werewolves, a year or two back there was a movie called Blood & Chocolate based on a Young Adult series of books. It was clearly looking to cash in on the Harry Potter films. It failed (because it should have been trying to cash in on Twilight, but pre-dated that film by a year) but filmmakers have not stopped trying which is why this exists. Percy Jackson is another young adult series involving fantasy and that’s all they knew. You’d think they’d have paid more attention to the fact Harry Potter was a mega-bestselling work on top of it, but no. Let me put it this way: I’d heard of Harry Potter before the films were made, but I hadn’t heard a thing about this before the film came out. I was tempted because I am an old mythology buff and actually only returned to the world of comics when I ran out of mythology to read, but when I saw the two-hour running time I decided to just stay home and read comics. There’s just not two hours worth of story here to me. I can see it just in the trailers. When the most interesting image in your supposed adventure movie is of Uma Thurman as Medusa with an iPhone, you’ve got a problem.

DANCES WITH WOLVES PART II WAS ONLY TEN MINUTES LONG

Avatar is down to number four and they keep talking about a sequel. Why? You can’t have a sequel, because like any story about aborigines defeating the invaders what really happens is the invaders come back with more firepower and wipe them out. Seriously, how exactly is communing with the planet going to stop carpet-bombing from orbit!?!

WHY TINA FEY GETS A HUNDRED TEXTS ABOUT A MEAN GIRLS SEQUEL A DAY

Dear John is down to number five and the success of this undoubtedly sent Lindsay Lohan on another drinking binge given the fourth female lead behind her in Mean Girls now has a better movie career than she does.

ANALYZE THIS CAREER

Tooth Fairy is down to number five and remember when Billy Crystal was a box office star with the one-two punch of When Harry Met Sally and City Slickers? I’m sure he does, given he’s also in this in what seems to be a variation of his Miracle Max role from The Princess Bride. Come to think of it, he’d have made a funnier version of this as perhaps some tax accountant sentenced to become a Tooth Fairy.

BUT THEY’RE STILL WUSSIER THAN OUR GHETTOS BECAUSE THEY’RE FRENCH

From Paris With Love is down to number seven and say what you want about this movie, but it’s rare you see Paris depicted as a multi-cultural city complete with housing projects (thanks for nothing, Amelie). The tourist board may not appreciate this small touch of realism, but I find it as fascinating as when I found out England also has housing projects. Which begs the question: why doesn’t Europe have better rappers?

SOMEWHERE DANNY GLOVER IS SMILING, HIS WORTH PROVEN

Edge of Darkness is down to number eight and this isn’t quite doing for Mel Gibson what Taken did for Liam Neeson, but will probably find a second life on DVD and eventually on cable as it is a solid little revenge fantasy. I expect the next film will have Sylvester Stallone and just be called, “Don’t Fuck With My Daughter Or I’ll Kill You.”

AN OPEN CALL FOR A MOVIE BUDDY

Crazy Heart is down to number nine and someone needs to make me see this. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

SOME DEPRAVED RELATIVE OF CHUCK’S

Finally, When in Rome closes out the top ten at number ten and also in this is none other than Don Johnson as Kristen Bell’s father and I get a kick out the second career movie stars get playing the parents to the next generation. And I’ve always liked Don Johnson. It’s about time he turned up on Gossip Girl as someone’s dad by now, right?

I BLAME HER LACK OF NEW MATERIAL FOR MY NONEXISTENT SEX LIFE

It’s been a decade, but Sade finally released a new album! It’s more of the same, which is to say, music to have sex to. That’s all you really want from her and she delivers. The best track is the single, “Soldier of Love” which breaks a bit out of the mold and she’s at her best when she’s mournful. I was watching a little “making of” documentary online where this English guy was talking about the band and lo and behold that English guy was her! Damn. She’s always had a deep voice, but if you need an argument not to smoke, you’ve got it. But what I really hope this leads to is another Sweetback album (the band Sade without Sade). The first one was awesome, but the second one I don’t even remember and it’s here somewhere.

HOW I DIDN’T MAKE IT IN NYC

How To Make It In America started on HBO and my weakness for shows actually filmed in NYC forced me to watch it (not to mention that Shannyn Sossamon is in it), but it depressed the hell out of me because I can still remember being a 20-something with plans on “making it” and like these fuck-ups, I didn’t want to really work for it either. Yeah, that doesn’t work. Then there’s the scene of the sure thing you blow and she winds up with someone else. I still play that over in my head. I don’t need to see it onscreen. But it does make being young and struggling in NYC seem to be the most glamorous thing ever. Unfortunately, that only happens if know people who live this hip, chic, downtown NYC life and just seem to know everybody everywhere. And don’t think it’s not self-aware as shit. “Oh, Nico’s loft? That was my birthday party,” is as heavy-handed as it gets. It’s also a bit dated. Eating on someone’s Conde Nast expense account is very unlikely these days. And someone’s imagination was truly taxed to make the minority character an ass-hound and a hustler. Wow. Never seen that before And who the fuck loves Bryan Greenberg so much to give him all these chances!?! This is the third series he’s been in (remember the horrific October Road?) and the second HBO series (remember Unscripted?). I will try not to torture myself with further episodes, but I think we know my track record with crappy shows shot in NYC. I mean, I’m still watching freaking Gossip Girl, aren’t I?